The Father Your Children Will Remember | Positive Parenting with Mentor Moe | Pure Masculinity

[00:00:15]Okay, I guess we're on YouTube now.

[00:00:18]>> Okay.

[00:00:22]>> Alhamdulillah.

[00:00:23]Um me get the YouTube link so I can also share with others who are on the YouTube now.

[00:00:31]>> Okay.

[00:00:36]>> Um get the YouTube link so I can also share with others YouTube now.

[00:00:44]>> Okay.

[00:00:49]um get the YouTube link so I can also share with others on YouTube now.

[00:00:56]>> Okay.

[00:01:03]>> Get the YouTube link so I can also share.

[00:01:12]>> All right.

[00:01:14]I think I can get it started.

[00:01:16]Um, >> probably I don't know. We fixed this echo thing the last time. I don't know if it's you can if you can help check it out.

[00:01:31]>> Am I echoing?

[00:01:33]>> It's not really you. I think it's from the YouTube side of things, but I have um I've tried to adjust it now. I I think it's not recheing, right?

[00:01:45]It's not. It's not.

[00:01:46]>> Yeah. Okay. Alhamdulillah. Proudly, it's from my side. So, I've tried to fix that. Okay. So, I think we can get started inshallah. Now, >> now we give all praise, thanks and adorations unto Allah. We ask all his endless benedictions to be showered upon the soul of the no blessed of mankind.

[00:02:14]his household and companions and the generality of Muslims who threat the path of righteousness until the last day breathe ourselves to the best of salutations the greetings of the people of paradise may Allah count to be one of them once again it's >> alhamdulillah it's an honor to have with you today uh with me today my beloved brother and friend brother Muhammad Ahmed which popularly known as mentor and like we said in our last conversation last month we were going to have this conversation on a monthly basis. Alhamdulillah and this is the second of the series. Today we want to talk about positive parenting as fathers and the idea is to look at how we can show up as fathers for our children as mentors following the model which the laid down for us especially.

[00:03:11]So it's um a conversation which I believe every Muslim man should listen to and benefit from. So I'll start by checking in with mentor Mo as usual. How are you doing today?

[00:03:23]>> Alhamdulillah. Today has been a very beautiful day. I feel so loved. I feel I feel so confident just because um yes my staffs have been amazing around me. Then beyond that I had a walking each time I engage with a male um client in therapy >> and at the end of the session we do an evaluation and they give positive feedback about how they feel and about themselves. There's a way it elates me, you know, it gives me the sense of hope because the reasons we're having the conversation for today essentially, you know, is to have young men who have what we call parenting self-efficacy, the confidence in their ability to become parents, to become fathers. And it starts from >> anything that brings a man to therapy. I see the sign of accountability. And if a man can have that strength but it goes a lot in the conversations we're going to talk about today. Yeah. So I feel good.

[00:04:35]I feel good already. Yes.

[00:04:37]>> That sounds good. Mashallah. That's beautiful. Thank you for sharing that.

[00:04:41]All right. I think a good note for us to start is um understanding the fact that most times men used to or every most people used to have this mentality or saying that every child needs a good mother, right? And they absolutely do for sure, right? But what unique role do you think fathers can play in the life of their children?

[00:05:07]my brother to be very very objective with you. If we must solve the parenting crisis, >> it's it's it starts with the leadership and that's with fathers.

[00:05:20]>> Every I I say it over and over and over.

[00:05:25]Every girl child issue I faced in therapy, every issue about the boy child I faced in therapy starts with the father. a father who wasn't present or a father who wasn't involved. A father who was um probably um overprotective, a father that was probably you know once there's no moderation in how you balance warmth and structure discipline which most times come from you know from from the father from the father viewpoint there's always going to be that um challenge. So fathers are the most important. That's the truth because they are the anchor with which even the mothers and the rest of the family you know stand on. Yes, mothers have the role to procreate and you know give that early childhood support. But trust me, what really helps the mother do what she has to do right is actually the presence of a father who understands that he is not perfect but is willing to be part of the process.

[00:06:42]>> So trust me fathers are most important in this conversations. And then you see by extension even before we even talk of fatherhood 20 years before now say 20 30 years when we had the mainstreaming project the gender mainstreaming project the arguments about equality started in the country in Nigeria here you know and then so we had a lot of empowerment for the girl child a lot of interventions >> fast forward to today 10 years from now let's say 15 years from now we started to see the trend that even though our girl child children grew up becoming assertive, they grew up becoming confident, they were good at what they could do, at the end of the day is not the same boy child that was neglected that they would marry.

[00:07:31]>> Yes. So, so we now started having issues of domestic violence on the rise where you neglected the boy child that you should have nurtured that you should have given the love and attention to that you should have given you know the the the support to be confident in himself and he has just grown up by default into childhood doing all he can do by by himself in that adulthood they now telling him that all he has left to do to make sense for himself is not his reality. tell me how there won't be issues. So, so the bottom line is even before we even talk of father mother relevance is to say even the boy child is significance >> you know is is is in is inesteemable.

[00:08:16]Yes. Because even you start to see it from sibling relationships.

[00:08:20]>> Mhm. If you have a good um male a boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy child figure in the family the sisters themselves the way they feel protected their attachment style is balanced they are open they have what we call emotional warmth the psychological safety that my brother is there to protect me even if my father is not there >> of course >> yes you're right >> so so my brother it's just the way the system has pushed the narrative of yes women are important and In Islam, we need to talk about this in this perspective. Now, you know, Islam, they say the paradise of a child is under the feet of the mother, you know, and then we we we give a lot of um examples as to how mothers are important in the early childhood years and all, you know, uh but the truth is we've limited the father role to just provider >> is why that argument is the way it is.

[00:09:17]>> Yeah.

[00:09:18]>> Yes. And if you look at the examples of how the prophet nurtured >> you would see that he was a balance.

[00:09:29]>> True.

[00:09:29]>> It was a balance. Yes. Look at um uh the the the the son um even nas I forgotten his name that probably uh said the prophet never coded him.

[00:09:47]>> Yeah. has been married. Yes. Yes. Sorry, I missed that. You know >> that that is what we call in the therapeutic paralance >> unconditional positive regard.

[00:10:01]All these things >> it is it is something that has been lived >> by the prophet. That's why I'm saying that you see in in even our conversation >> Mhm.

[00:10:16]>> the right the right parenting itself is therapy. You get >> it is therapy. Why are we qualifying parenting as positive today? That's the question I should ask you.

[00:10:27]>> You know why are we qualifying parenting as positive? By default parenting should be positive.

[00:10:35]>> Yeah.

[00:10:36]>> Yes.

[00:10:36]>> Yeah.

[00:10:37]>> Yes. So I want you to speak to why why why are we here where we are today? Is it because we have different types of parents? Is it the is it cultural issues? Is it just the way things have turned out?

[00:10:51]>> Why are we trying to make parenting sound as if it was a bad thing before now?

[00:10:56]>> Subhan Allah. That's true. I agree with you and that's a good um it's a good way to segue. I love the fact that you said why do we really have to call parenting positive today because um I would say that parenting is difficult. It's a challenge on its own, right? It could be a daunting task because the interesting part is kids don't come with a life manual. But the reality is we chose to have kids. Those kids did not choose who their parents were. Right? So this is why parenting can be challenging and if you don't have the right support um it will be something that you will just do without the right guidance. So as Muslims it is important for us to know that every life challenge we are facing uh we can always find solution in the Quran and the sunnah for us. So when we are talking about positive parenting that approach is that we are seeking how we can develop our children their moral character their confidence their emotional wellbe through guidance back to the Quran the sunnah of the messenger sallallahu alaihi wasallam right um how they can connect with people uh how they can overcome intimidation bullying in school how they can conquer their fears and be more confident right so it's not really a kind of uh uh permissive parenting whereby you get laidback, right? And you just feel like your child can do anything. In fact, if you look at today's world, we have limited parenting more to the screen like a digital thing.

[00:12:31]They give a child a tablet at as young as 2 years old.

[00:12:36]>> Everything instruction access to is what he is being fed. So that kills even his um mental growth and things like that.

[00:12:44]So from >> now let now let me bring you back. I was throwing that dab at you. You see even from the conceptual viewpoint.

[00:12:55]>> Mhm.

[00:12:57]>> In the context of what positive psychology is.

[00:13:01]>> Mhm.

[00:13:02]>> The word positive parenting fits into your explanation now because positive parenting is holistic.

[00:13:10]towards the development of the total child, the moral, the social, the academic, you know, all the things you listed. And that is what positive psychology seeks to achieve. And I keep saying it that if we had been in the time of the the prophets, >> positive psychology would have been the true Islamic principles of psychology because the views of positive psychology is about because it is strengthbased does not mean that we are ignoring the negatives or probably the the the challenging aspects of of the particular conversation. So yes, I agree with you that positive parenting has to be realistic.

[00:13:58]>> Yeah, >> that's that's the point I wanted to bring out of the way explaining I was happy to say okay yes this man is is is getting to the point of okay we're talking positive parenting we are talking holistic parenting and that still brings us back to what the Quran and um the sunnah is all about.

[00:14:16]>> Thank you. Thank you for chiming in that. And I also wanted to mention a few pillars of positive parenting too because sometimes people don't know some of these things. I love the fact that when you were speaking you mentioned uh discipline like uh I tell people this a lot of time. Uh an emotionally unintelligent adult is a product of emotionally unintelligent parenting methods. Many of us grew up with our parents spanking us. You just gave us the hadith that Malik said the prophet never raised his hands against anyone.

[00:14:47]Not a child, not an animal, nobody. He did not beat anybody. And gave us a beautiful example one day. The prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam sent him on an errand to go and do something. And as a young boy, he saw that children praying. He was looking at them and the prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam came from behind and held him. He said, "Yeah, wouldn't you go to where I have sent you to?" He looked back and then he ran.

[00:15:06]>> So, but if it starts today, we want to punish. So there are some pillars of positive parenting which includes um discipline instead of punishment. So rather than you punishing a child, teach them discipline, right? Let there be consequences for their action. You also need to build a relationship with your child before you enact rules for them.

[00:15:27]>> Parenting, positive parenting is about more about action, not really about your words. It's about what you do, not what you say. You teach them. You don't control them. You don't tell them do this and you you don't do those things.

[00:15:41]You don't tell them go and pray but you are sitting down playing games or watching Netflix you know and things like that. So it's more about encouraging the child rather than criticizing them. A child does not know those things that you know as an adult.

[00:15:55]So these are just some of the pillars of positive parenting that I just wanted to add based on um your question earlier.

[00:16:02]Okay.

[00:16:02]>> Yeah. So, so, so to lean on that >> is to say that even in the ways of the prophet >> sallallahu alaihi wasallam, >> the prophet was warm and firm >> sallallahu alaihi wasallam >> and you know and so so and I want to go to I want to take it from that position of because when we say firmness firmness is not about being ash >> yes >> it's about you ensuring there is clarity consistency and timing in the intervention look at the example you gave about um a nas playing around and immediately at that point you know he gave a direction.

[00:16:40]>> Yes.

[00:16:40]>> Look at the the addict that also talked about if your child does not pray by the age of 10 >> Mhm.

[00:16:47]>> you know what do you do?

[00:16:49]>> And then again another part of um the the the the also says that until a child understands is right from his wrong. So you see >> it is not totally boxed in just this is what you have to do generally. It is giving us an understanding that the prophet understood that every child has individual differences have different learning curves >> and their their view of life based on their realities and it is based on that as such that you should manage a child and that's why comparison is not the way of Islam. You you are not to compare children. You are not to you know you are not to compare them with themselves or compare them with other children. You know that is part of what we're talking because when you start to compare a child that is where labeling starts from that is where the child feels are conditions of worth is associated with that with which he or she is compared with. I was in therapy sometimes and the the the girl she's now she was telling me that childhood that meant a good girl to her was for her to just pass alone just academics alone >> and so all that mattered and she was from a very poor family. So all the parents were saying to our head was you know we are we know we are not rich you have to pass you have to pass you have to pass that was the only thing >> so that those were the conditions of so up till so the challenge was all she now did in her adult years was to just focus on career alone and make so much money and just focus on achievement and achievement and that now affected her relational aspect of life. She struggled with relationships >> because at 30 she still didn't have a she didn't couldn't sustain a a relationship talkless of getting into a marriage. So these are some of the challenges we need to in the light of positive parenting we need to see how to balance the narratives also again is the challenge of having to choose having to decide for our children all the time especially in those early years. The moment you start to always decide for them, >> you what you do what you're doing is you're taking off the their choice of initiative.

[00:19:13]>> Your duty is to even when you know what is right, your duty is to present to them options >> options and let them make a decision whether it is right or wrong. It is a learning curve.

[00:19:26]>> Yeah.

[00:19:26]>> For you to now guide them when they make the wrong decisions to and give them explanation as to why it's a wrong decision. So as they grow up into the future, they also understand that they can continue to make mistakes in safe places, learn from those mistakes and grow it. It does creativity once it is always the parents deciding the career path, deciding what the child would be.

[00:19:47]In fact, eventually it turns them into mommy's boy or or or those kind of Yes.

[00:19:53]Because that child is unable to make decision for himself. When you see an adult male in marriage and he's still calling his mom for a decision, >> it is it is an outcome of such patterns of parenting.

[00:20:05]>> The other part of it is when you overjudge a child too.

[00:20:10]>> When you overjudge a child from those early years, the child makes mistakes, you saying you are lazy, you are dump, you are stupid, you are you are not smart. When you do all those things, the child start to experience what we call self-doubt.

[00:20:22]>> Yes. Yes. Once in those early years, >> the problem problem there's a problem.

[00:20:35]>> That's a huge problem.

[00:20:36]>> Yes. Because Yes. Because they would carry that into adulthood and they suffer from what you call internal locus of control. They would always continue to seek external validation.

[00:20:48]>> They would always want somebody's opinion about themselves. And do you see what we are doing? What is happening today in social media?

[00:20:55]>> Some people would have problems. They would go on social media to seek validation if they the right path or not.

[00:21:01]>> So these are the issues and this doesn't parenting. It does in it compounds it.

[00:21:08]It compounds it. It compounds it >> you know because they start to lose call autonomy start to lose lose control of your life. You are from you you're not tied to roots. You're not you're not tied to that, you know, no matter how much you pray because you're not rooted in the belief in the in that absolute, you see yourself still having to struggle with life every single day.

[00:21:46]>> So >> positive parenting is critical. It is authoritarian in the in the in the palance of um Bobby and the the the the western um views meaning that you are warm at the same time you are still instilling discipline. The warmth you are creating in the environment >> is for a child to feel safe enough >> to to to to flourish and blossom. And then you know the firmness comes from you giving clarity you giving consistency and taking action when a child makes a mistakes >> mistake >> not just coding and beating the child and giving instruction all the time. So these are things we want to you see most times parents actually project their fears or their unaccomplished childhood challenges on their children.

[00:22:43]Mhm. They transfer their >> God bless you. Yes. Most times they project it.

[00:22:49]>> But one thing I want to say in this trauma based perspective again is this.

[00:22:53]Look at the prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam.

[00:22:57]>> His papa died before uh yeah he was born.

[00:23:02]>> He was an orphan. Yeah. Mhm.

[00:23:04]>> His mom also passed away at the age of um is it four?

[00:23:09]>> Six.

[00:23:10]>> His grandfather took him in again. He passed away at 8.

[00:23:14]>> Yes.

[00:23:14]>> He was it was his uncle Abutali that raised him.

[00:23:18]>> Mhm.

[00:23:18]>> What I'm bringing out from there is that he was practically an orphan.

[00:23:23]>> He didn't have a direct father as a role model.

[00:23:27]>> But he had father figures, mentors, guidance along the way.

[00:23:32]>> Mhm. And in those days where he was with his uncle, he was building the character that redefined him >> for the true modeling he now displayed to his children and to the whole of humankind.

[00:23:49]>> So the lesson there again is there are men on this call that would say I didn't have a father or my father wasn't present or I suffered this or I suffered that. the the the the the the trauma can end with you if you are >> the word here is the layer the bottom line for positive parenting for doing it right is the layer with which you actually want to be a parent.

[00:24:17]If your intention is grounded in the sacredness of the marriage in in in the belief that this is servitude to Allah, you would understand that even when a child tests you, which is what they are meant to do, even when you struggle with certain aspects of parenting a child, you will still go back to the intention in your sa in your during your prayers that I want to be better. I want to do this. I want to be able to achieve this and it happens. It it it becomes what it should be.

[00:24:55]>> No.

[00:24:56]>> So, so, so, so I think why we struggle again with positive parenting especially within the confines of Islam and Sunna is because we are not intentional enough at that stage of I am now a father. In fact, the moment your wife tells you I have missed my period >> that the the fathering starts at that phase.

[00:25:19]>> The foundation starts there. Yeah, I agree with that.

[00:25:22]>> Yes. Because the mood of a child directly relates to the mood of the mother >> at the fetus level. So the woman is sad the um the period. I assure you that child would have the predisposition to sadness and depression.

[00:25:42]>> Subhan Allah.

[00:25:42]>> So that is why we say spousal support.

[00:25:46]>> A man being present, a man being available, supportive during the period of pregnancy can never be underestimated. There's supplement above that.

[00:25:58]>> The supplement above that. But look at the challenges we face today.

[00:26:03]Husband would go to work on Mondays, come back on Fridays, spend weekends with the family, go to work in Abuja, h go to spend time some husbands would even travel abroad. I have people that two two weeks two weeks you know we now due to immigration something I think we should speak to >> because I I am of the opinion that the break in family dynamics has actually led this conversation I think during the time of life of the prophet also had reasons to travel.

[00:26:41]Yeah.

[00:26:42]>> They had reasons to travel. They had I want to ask you because how do you how do you see managed because one thing is one one very key factor is there is this there was no communal living regardless of how the travels were during the time of the prophetam >> even if even if they were leaving home there was still a father figure >> there was still somebody to you know and that you know so I think a lot around the principles of how a the family should be in Islam has actually catered catered for most of these things we experience today you know >> so so so so so I don't think there's anything new that is happening now that we cannot give explanations to and see oh this is how it should be done this is how it shouldn't be done within this the the the position of Islam >> so so so these are really my thoughts these are my thoughts >> thank you thank you thank you for sharing sharing those beautiful thoughts. You know, while you were speaking, a lot of things came to mind.

[00:27:46]But um I will just use this moment to try and reset the conversation and remind our viewers who are watching live that they can ask questions. Inshallah, if you have questions on parenting as fathers especially, feel free to ask our guest resource person in person or brother Ahmed Muhammad and he'll be willing to answer. And if some of you I have also made this broadcast on WhatsApp. If you want to ask directly on WhatsApp feel free to drop a message for me there and I'll read it out to be addressed inshallah.

[00:28:19]So now let's come back to something you mentioned while you were speaking which is presence and provision right we know it's tough the role of being a father as the provider as the protector as the mentor and still having to come back home and do this and that you know it's a bit challenging and I'll give you a scenario which I've dealt with with one of my brothers and friend right his wife was complaining that he works too much that he's always working working he goes to work and come back comes home he's still on his computer is working and working and working and to her she felt like she needs to spend quality time with him and the children right that there he's not doing that and when I was having that conversation with him I was asking him he said well I feel like I'm showing love by paying the bills like that's my own way of expressing love so why do fathers really equate love with paying the bills I don't know if it's yeah I know it's same with a lot of men So >> is that is it?

[00:29:20]>> Yes. By by by by by default a man's sense of self-esteem is really tied more to his achievements.

[00:29:29]>> Mhm.

[00:29:30]>> And definition of his achievement is about being able to meet up with his responsibility quote and unquote in the in the in the space of providing for those around him.

[00:29:42]>> Okay, that is something research has consistently shown. So what's what what's actually suffers is the quality of the social relationships >> which in this context familiar relationships. So but the truth again again is this we need to find a balance.

[00:30:03]We must find a balance because you can not no matter the amount of money you have. It cannot replace the first five to seven years quality time you give to a child.

[00:30:18]>> And that has to do with presence not your money.

[00:30:21]>> What your child wants is your presence.

[00:30:24]Because your child wants to she wants to wants to always listen, wants to always see who am I to you? Who am I becoming? You see the feedback loop comes from how attentive you are. And that brings us to the concept of play. In the first seven years of a child, the very important thing to them is play. Whether you no matter what you are telling me is play >> unstructured because in those early years their brain are not fully developed yet. Your brain is not fully developed until you are probably about 23 or 25. And when a child faces pressure, when a child faces a challenge, when a child is struggling at that phase emotionally, the only thing that helps a child cope is they fall back to their repertoire of memor their knowledge and they fall back to positive emotions. They try to recall positive events. That's how they cope.

[00:31:25]So if you have now not created environment for them to remember memories of you, for them to remember memories of their home, adults currently in therapy when you ask some of them the question, what is your earliest memory of childhood? Some of them cannot even remember one single positive memory of childhood. It is that bad.

[00:31:44]>> It is that it is that challenging. Some some adults started struggling at a very early age from their families from the age of very early as early as 8 n spending you know they've been exposed to emotional um abuse or domestic violence that their parents have presented you know they they suffered so much that >> they have grown up too fast too soon >> you know so once you abandon a child but according to um developmental studies A key component of adverse childhood experience is childhood neglect. When you think it's just about the money alone and you are not present for the child, that child is experiencing what we call adverse childhood experience.

[00:32:31]>> So what now happens is that that child will now just be finding ways to grow up by themselves. Survivalist instincts will kick in, you know, and so the child is just struggling to just, you know, live life the way they see it.

[00:32:46]So they don't enjoy quality childhood experiences and that would continue to be the gap they would struggle to meet up with as they go into adulthood. And you see even it plays out with some girl children because all their life they've taking responsibilities and when they get into marriage or when they meet a man who is not responsible it traumatizes them. Or when they meet a man who is not measuring up it traumatizes them. But when they get into a marriage and they realize that the man himself is like the experiences they they fear to live with. So they get triggered even if that is not the case cuz they themselves have unresolved trauma you know and when you even see men also who have taken responsibilities from the very early age especially if they the first sons in the family but they grow up into adulthood with so much stress pressure and all that. So it gets to a point where they themselves struggle for meaning in life because they've lived all their life for others as against having to care for themselves.

[00:33:52]So this are concerned that is why beyond the money see I'll give you a very good story during the strike period I don't know if I've said this to you before during the strike period while I was in University of Ibado we had I I lived in the BQ >> so we had and and you know BQ's are extensions of the main flats >> professors and you know my uncle main flat the BQ I was on the landlord for the six I was one catering for all the supplies in the in the for um other students in the region. So at some point a family of five got a job in the university and their first point of residence was to manage that vacuum you know and it so what I noticed was during the strike period the family of very early the husband would have gone to get water from the from the reservoir water on his head the wife is cooking you know the children are so happy they always smiling everything it was even radiating around me I was happy to see a family In that one room, that one room living a happy life. Every morning you see them happy. At that same time, my brother, we had professors in in the three, four bedroom flats, large rooms.

[00:35:08]Every morning you see them shouting, you know, I don't like eggs. You bought eggs for me. My life, you have not made me.

[00:35:15]It was crazy.

[00:35:17]>> Subhan Allah.

[00:35:19]>> It wasn't about the the the much knowledge you had. It wasn't about the pedy or the money, >> it was it was about those things that mattered, >> you know. So, so it's important for men on the call listening to me to understand that it's okay to make money but there's a point where you shouldn't sacrifice spending quality inclusive all year I had no days Mondays to trainings building myself and all and it to it took a toll on the family >> it was this year I had to reset to say that okay >> during weekends I I only home or afternoons that I I close early just to balance my life. So it's okay that at some point in time in our lives we may have to sacrifice to actually meet up with some demands. But the slippery slop is we shouldn't now make it a way of life because it now tilts the balance.

[00:36:24]So we need to also have accountability partners to check us to say ah come on guy it looks like we manage ourselves if we can come back to what Islam has described for us you know your isa and your your sub prayers essentially you should pray them in the masid you know and um it's expected that after isa you go back home to rest but if you are the type that you have friends that it you are always probably at a club or at an itery or you're out in the night, you know, there's no control to actually make you remember that you need to go back home, you need to spend time with family and all. Then again, when a child is actually still young in those early years, is important for the male children, I mean the male uh the fathers to be available. It is therapy for fathers themselves. I have heed so much from the quality time I spend with my children.

[00:37:24]>> So when a father learns to play like a child >> with the opportunity he has with his children, >> he starts to eat from inside and very importantly is for fathers to also connect their children to their grandfathers.

[00:37:39]>> You know it is very very critical. It's also a very significant form of therapy.

[00:37:43]In that way even generational crisis or issues are actually you know resolved because even if your grandfather who is now your his grandfather your child's grandfather who is your father actually had made mistakes in the past >> at that later age they always look for ways to make >> to their generations like you see some parents love their grandchild so much light.

[00:38:16]>> Let me tell you one funny story. You know, one time I was, you know, we always go home and I went home with my children and they were still very young then. So, one of my my oldest son was doing something and I I wanted to beat him and my mom said don't beat him. The words you did more than that. I was like mommy you you saying I shouldn't beat him. You know how you beat us when we were younger? You want to spoil these children for us. So, I I agree with you.

[00:38:42]those grandparents they show extra love to the point that even sometimes they want to spoil the children but um thank you so much for that. I know we are really moving fast on time. I want us to segue towards building character and this aspect but before I go into that something just came to my mind based on this presence and provision. Yes, I just remember that there was this instance where there's this companion Abdullahbas one time his wife went to the wife of the prophet Aisha and she was not looking wellkept like maybe she didn't braid her hair or something and Aisha was wondering and saying why do you look like this she said she has a husband who doesn't even care he doesn't even look at her like that so Aisha related that to the messenger of Allah sallallahu alaihi wasallam right and what happened when the prophet wasallam heard He called Abdullah and he said, "Oh Abdullah, after I heard that you do this, you pray all night, you fast all day." And then the prophet told him, "You don't do this because your body has a right over you, your family have a right over you, your your wives have rights over you." Meaning that whatever we are doing, we need to still create time for our loved ones. May Allah subhana wa ta'ala make it easy for us.

[00:39:53]Uh, subhan Allah.

[00:39:56]I just lost mentor Mo's uh he just dropped from the call. So hopefully inshallah he joins us back in the conversation. So we'll keep it up inshallah while uh we await him. I think another thing the next segment which we would want to talk about is um the area of building character. Okay.

[00:40:15]Alhamdulillah you're back.

[00:40:17]>> Nah, sorry about that.

[00:40:19]>> That's okay. No problem. So um I just related that hadith of um the as I'm talking about but we can move quickly to building character and my question when it comes to building character is I get these questions a lot of time parents come to me and they complain about their children not being honest that they tell lies a lot. They complain about their children trying to take things that they are not giving. Right. M >> so I want us to understand as fathers how do we intentionally teach children honesty courage while still disciplining them you know especially these areas of like telling lies and taking things you know there's this if you lie you will they go something like that so how can we address these issues as fathers >> alhamdulillah the first is for fathers themselves to be present It is when you are present that you see that there's something wrong around your children.

[00:41:21]>> Present here means not just being around in the home but intentionally monitoring or intentionally being available to have conversations, genuine conversations with your children, not just pressing the phone all the time or just so the first is presence. Once your child understands that my dad is always present when we are around when they around, you know, they they are they are also conscious of that fact. That's the first thing. Second is role modeling.

[00:41:48]>> Role modeling starts with you the father um yourself.

[00:41:54]What are the conversations you have on the phone? What are the conversations you have with your spouse? What are the conversations you have with your children, with your neighbors, with your colleagues that your children hear? They internalize all these things that they don't act immediately. But there's a day a day would come where they would tell you uh it's very simple. There was a time I struggled to get my children to bed on time. I'm a researcher. So most times I'm my study walking up late and then my wife is also probably on their phone saying my customers it is in the midnight in the night time they available and we now left the children to uh to themselves. So I realized that them sleeping late does not help in the morning routines. So I now I now instructed my wife that please you must take these children to bed early blah blah blah. That didn't still work also.

[00:42:46]I would also tell my children they say but daddy you also on your laptop.

[00:42:51]So one day I sat down and I said to myself isn't this bad? I think the problem is me myself. I'm not also going to bed early enough. So I decided moving forward that whatever it is I do after dinner and after all of us have uh what then we have our 20 30 minutes play time I would take them to bed myself.

[00:43:13]>> Should I shock you? I did that consistently for the first two weeks and I realized that 30 minutes or 15 minutes 15 to 20 minutes into when I take them to bed they sleep off. M >> but because I'm there present with them >> they sleep off and I just wake up quietly I go back and continue my work >> so initially when we started going through the room early so their mom is left in the room started also seeing that oh I'm the only one left behind gradually she also started coming in early so eventually I was able to rewire their biological clock to sleeping early so even these days they will be the one say that is that time to take us to bed. You know, >> those it starts with everything in the first >> I would say overall in those formative years is is with modeling as to what you say as to when your child even challenges you.

[00:44:13]>> You do not go defensive. Some will say shut up. Are you the one I'm talking to?

[00:44:19]You know, you know, statements like that. No, you don't you don't do that.

[00:44:23]The most important thing is when a child is asking questions or interjecting, the child is curious, you would now find the time to actually sit down and have those conversations. You know, sometimes I've had scenarios where it is probably the the wife that shouts on the husband most of the time. Then the the the child now starts to shout on the husband. M >> in that situation the duty of the husband or the man in that situation is to use it as a learning curve for the child not to be reactive but because he understands that the children are tabular rasa they are free slates it is what you put into them that they become >> so it is for the man to with gentleness and kindness that a better time correct the child and say look at the story of even adults even when we even do that for adults There was a there was a there was um during the pro prophet's time sallallahu alaihi wasallam a man that came and pee in the >> masjid. Yes.

[00:45:21]>> And what did he say? He said leave him let him finish what he was doing. And the were hungry and it was after that learning came. So if the prophet understood that it is not about being reactive, it is about being responsive and it is by you understanding when exactly it is for learning to take place.

[00:45:43]>> No, >> you know so thank you.

[00:45:45]>> So so the present the accountability and the role modeling goes a long way. So our brothers have to be emotionally intelligent enough to understand that it is what they do >> that projects character that determines how the child is formed, not what they say to the children.

[00:46:03]>> You know, I mean I mean thank you. Thank you for that. I think this is a good uh moment for us to segue to emotional intelligence because that word came out in your response towards conclusion, right? And uh before I talk about that, I'll give context a little bit. So one day I was with my son, the younger son, we prayed fudger. I was leading the salah and then there was a place whereby I recited um a verse that required me to do saga. So I went on sujud and came back up and then continued the recitation. When we finished praying, you know what this boy told me? He said, "Daddy, you prayed rubbish."

[00:46:41]>> Said, "Daddy, you prayed rubbish." I'm like, "Really? Who told you that? Why would you say that? He said because you were supposed to go on Ruku but you did not do RKU and you went straight to Saga and then you came back. I said okay >> that's a beautiful one.

[00:46:56]>> The boy tackled me. So and then I then explained to him that there are portions in the Quran about 15 places whenever you come through and you mention sujud you have to prostrate. So I explained it to him. Alhamdulillah. Today the boy is even he has memorized the Quran to a large extent.

[00:47:15]Yes.

[00:47:15]>> Bless all our children. So at that point he was curious going back to what you were saying like we don't let them that inner curiosity that inner child of them we don't kill it. We don't intimidate them. So my question now is how can we as fathers build emotional safety without raising emotionally weak children? You know when you were speaking earlier you mentioned something as mommy's boys. Mommy's boys are emotionally weak children. They were raised like that and that is why they carry that mommy poison into husbandhood and fatherhood. It affects the spouse. It affects the children too.

[00:47:51]Even it affects themselves and many of them don't know. I'm sorry to say cuz I know that is so >> uh please let's talk about this how we can build emotional safety without raising emotionally weak children.

[00:48:05]There is the framework of um parenting don't know if it is by um Burind uh but it talks about balancing over protection and care.

[00:48:20]It is important for us to understand that if you if you if there is too much um protection and there is less care, you would see that the child has no control of his or emotions in the child is weak.

[00:48:45]So there has to be a balance. Also if there is less protection and too much care the child would also you know have the child won't have what we call the the locus of control because the child would always think the child will be entitled to whatever it is. So, so the point is rather than build we have to balance when the low the care the care does not have to be too low the care does not have to be too high. If the care is too low and there is too much protection it means you are dominating that child's life and that means you are projecting your fears on the child. If there is no care and there's no protection it means it is going to be a weak scenario. the child will just be weak because you are absent.

[00:49:38]>> If there is too much protection and there is too much care, you are it leads to uh you know being too involved in your children's life.

[00:49:51]So the goal is to have high care and low over protection. That's the goal.

[00:49:58]>> You must show care. And if you still go and look at how the prophet actually nurtured >> it was consistent warmth that is I care cuz in those early years of a child what provides a sense of safety and security is that care and without safety you cannot even show love. You can't show care.

[00:50:23]Yes. So the care is very important. It has to be consistent because it is at that stage that children will consistently make mistakes. But when you care and nurture for them, they start to blossom properly and then there must be no over protection. See the word you must not overly protect them too much.

[00:50:44]If there is high overp protection, they also lose the capacity, the sense of agency, the sense of initiative, the capacity for free will, they lose that.

[00:50:55]M >> and and and that is the goal. So fathers themselves must understand that if they have grown up without care, it is their duty to start learning how to show care.

[00:51:07]That's where emotional awareness comes in. You have to be emotionally aware enough and that's within the frame of emotional intelligence. You must be able to be aware of your emotion as a father to say am I just lonely? Am I absent? Am I overwhelmed?

[00:51:23]Um am I scared? Because some fathers are actually scared. That's the point. They are scared of the fact that they might not even be able to nurture a child.

[00:51:31]Well, that's why they distance theel from the child. So, you need to understand where your deficits are as a father, especially with your emotions before you can. For example, in this example you gave, fathers that have insecurity, if they were in that situation and their child said such a thing to them, they would have just reacted and say just spoke stupidly.

[00:51:53]Why? you know they could have said something rash and that would have really really affected the child's sense of self self-esteem you know so yeah it would have also is fathers who have enjoyed overp protection and are struggling must also understand that it shouldn't repeat itself so they must find a way to balance and then again is beyond just fathers alone now you don't you have situations in in families where the husband is this way the wife is this And then they put the children in confusion.

[00:52:26]>> Mothers will say don't do this. Father will say do this. So it comes to communication. Fathers and mothers have to align to a large degree. Okay. Is as good as saying okay um why are you doing this? Mommy say I should do it. It is not for you to query or questions mommy's authority immediately at that time. You allow them okay if your mommy said it no problem. But you now sit back later with your wife to explain your point of view and make your wife understand that moving on forward it shouldn't be so. So that by the time they want to do it the next time they your wife will be the one correcting them to say ah don't do this again because of this and this and I think your dad would also be happy if you don't do this. So you see there's a synchronization the children understand that this is what mommy and daddy agrees to not just mommy's going south and daddy's going north. And that is a problem major problem in our marriages today. The marriage is a competition ground. It's a ground for dominance.

[00:53:23]It's a ground to say I'm in charge in this home. Sadly for men that are struggling with finances and women are taking care of the homes or providing for the homes and more so in dominant cultures where it is individualized like in the west.

[00:53:37]>> Yeah.

[00:53:37]>> That struggle comes into play. The children will be like whatever mommy says is final and the man starts to feel less of himself in the home. And then when we see that there's a failure that is opportunity to now say I told you and then we start to push blames you know so before you know it things will get so poor. So in the context of positive parenting especially from the Islamic perspective we should better communicate with ourselves which is critical to emotional intelligence by being self-aware of our emotions and then knowing how to actually regulate in social context with our children with our family members and and I think we with that we can build um a better uh Islamic um society.

[00:54:21]>> Now thank you for that. I got a question from one of our listeners. They sent me a question which I would you could address this inshallah.

[00:54:31]>> The person says, "Islamic parenting in 21st century coupled with unguided social media, how can Muslim parents instill Islamic ethics with distant children in boarding school?" Right?

[00:54:44]There are two questions. So, let's take that one first.

[00:54:49]>> Distant children in boarding school.

[00:54:51]>> Yes, children. I'm going to paint the scenario of probably a parent in the UK having a child in the boarding school in Nigeria.

[00:54:58]>> I'm just giving that example to capture distance um you know the distance and then in boarding school. So if you are in another country or in another location and your child is in a boarding school in another location, >> the first question is what conditions did you use to strain that boarding school? If it is indeed one that fits into the quality of what you want Islamically and otherwise, then you are still worried about having to parent that child. Back then we also went to boarding school.

[00:55:30]>> It's just that things have actually changed.

[00:55:32]>> Yeah. Our house masters were guidians.

[00:55:35]>> Your parents could call somebody to say, "How is this child doing?"

[00:55:39]>> And on visiting days, even when our parents were not around, we had families that would represent our parents that would visit us.

[00:55:47]>> Correct?

[00:55:48]>> You know, so so the point is most of these parents complaining about these challenges, they have not also builded the extended family framework or they've not built relationship capitals around them. such that there is a father figure somewhere there's a mother figure somewhere that can actually fill in gaps even despite the distance and you can't also rule out the space of culture the culture in the west is different from the culture in in in in in the in Africa so these are factors we look into but beyond the culture generally the culture in the school environment is is what is most important if you have chosen a school you have also relinquished the rights of illoc parentes is that is the right of a parent to the school system to the teachers to the caregivers.

[00:56:38]>> It is now your duty as a parent to have good communication line with the caregiver or the guardian with which you have handed your child over to you know and also to ensure that there's also extended family support or uh or or or friends of families that can also actually support if they are within the location of that child. Uh >> now thank you for now thank you for that. The other question here is um transmission of parental conflict hatred between Muslim parents and neighbors to their children. Kindly give advice on the growing uh children and the parents.

[00:57:14]So I think the question is not very clear even to me but I can give an instance. So sometimes parents have beef between themselves but their children are friends right and then you say ah don't go to Alaji Lbaja's house so you know this is that that and the funny scenario is somebody told me this he said after he told his child not to do that the child went to tell that other person's child that this what father said right so that's just a scenario of what I think the person is trying to ask that you should advise on how you can deal with this kind scenario transmission of parental conflict and hatred amongst Muslim parents.

[00:57:52]>> Ah uh you see it's because again you know we can't use completely the Islamic framework here because we are in a non-Islamic environment most of the time. So we can't use the group mind principle of the um if it was a group mind principle of one um we know we'll meet in the masjid or there will be a central point where everybody would meet. So but but in cases like this in cases like this depending on the age of these children if they are already adults >> no >> they would not say a word of contempt to their parents even if they perceive their parents are not right they would respect or honor their parents position and find ways to actually manage the relationships I am sure most of the time even these relationships are probably romantic ones say want to marry each other and they saying we shouldn't each other, you know, things like that, you know.

[00:58:48]>> Yeah.

[00:58:48]>> And interestingly, they've had probably good times before where they were >> friends, those parents, maybe there were issues and then there was the crackdown and all and life is not a straight road.

[00:59:01]These same parents can still come back to reconcile later in the future. So we have to look at this from the place of um Allah forgives us the place of Talba the space of um um Sabber the space of Afwa you know uh we need to start so it is but we as children also depending on how the nature of our parents to treat our parents with kindness in situations like that and use it as an opportunity for learning. So what I would advise the children's in those situation is for them to understand Islam very well enough to use it as an admonition to their parents that ah nobody knows what tomorrow will bring forth. We should forgive ourselves and you know as as long as Allah forgives us and then we should move on. But however if it is genuine say for example the parents notice that the other parent is involved in shik or something that uh will take them out of the context of Islam. It is the protection. It is for that child to understand and understand that they say whatever what a parent see standing what an elder standing if a child climbs the role tree >> not see. So the child must also understand because of cultural intelligence. But then again brother it is also the quality of the relationship a parent has with his child that determine whether the child would listen to him or her. So that is it comes back to our concern on learn to nurture your children before giving them instructions or command is our >> I mean I mean thank you so much for that. That was a beautiful response. So um I just want to be considerate of our time. I know we used to schedule this for 1 hour but there are still things I would like us to discuss. I don't know how much generosity you would have for us to move further a little bit.

[01:00:47]>> Okay. Please let's let's do let's do probably 15 minutes.

[01:00:50]>> Okay. 15 minutes. Okay. So we'll do it quick fire inshallah. So maybe you just try and make your responses brief so as we can try as much as we can to cover them. So there's this aspect we haven't spoken about which is discipline right u here in the west usually discipline is you can't discipline a child you can't punish a child but back home in Nigeria you own your child that's not which is not even the right thing to somehow but um I want to ask is punishment the same as discipline >> it is not >> okay so how do we really discipline a child as far as >> so discipline is more of a psychological than physical thing.

[01:01:29]>> Okay.

[01:01:30]>> Discipline is more psychological than physical. Discipline is first making a child understand their objective reality. This is who you are. This is what you've done. Clarity first. When you want to discipline, there must be clarity.

[01:01:45]The very important thing again is discipline has to do with delayed gratification.

[01:01:50]Discipline does not allow a child enjoy goodness immediately.

[01:01:56]>> Okay. So discipline is having to sacrifice for for something that would be meaningful. The third part of discipline is meaning. There must be meaning in what that discipline is about. So psychologically if a child does not connect meaningfully to that meeting. If a church does not understand that I don't have to be promiscuous now because later on I would enjoy better or in the in the future or or in my youth Allah and the prophet said we should use our youth writing so that we can enter Jenna you know if a child does not understand all the delay that the delay is not denial the delay is actually you building something that would benefit you in future you know then the first one which is objective reality.

[01:02:47]Objective reality has to be it has to do with about helping a child understand clearly who they are where they are in life. Sometimes the children do not know they are confused about their roles especially as they grow up into adolesence and their bodies and everything. So they want direction. So discipline is about direction. It's about evidencing the objective reality.

[01:03:12]It's about helping them delay gratification. is about helping them find meaning in the process of control.

[01:03:20]>> Now, >> because at the end of the day, the duty of discipline is to allow a child develop the capacity to restrain themselves from that which is not appropriate and focus on that which is appropriate is to help a child do things that are not convenient when it is right like salah. So beating a child all the time would not really make them see reasons to actually complete their salah if all those things I've said are not there.

[01:03:51]>> So punishment is totally not out of place.

[01:03:56]If a child does something grave, something very grave that we know is is is an outlier is totally away from the mean. Mhm.

[01:04:08]>> Punishment is a physical pain. So is a form of what we call negative reinforcement.

[01:04:15]>> When you introduce an aversive stimulus to reduce a problem behavior, when you introduce an aversive stimulus is a painful stimulus. When you introduce it to reduce, okay, a child steals now and immediately you beat the child. You know that is a painful stimulus. Each time the child remembers that he or she steals, he remember what it was associated with that event.

[01:04:44]>> So that is punishment. You don't use punishment all the time. But doesn't mean you cannot use punishment once in a while.

[01:04:52]>> Okay. But the truth about discipline is that it is more psychological than physical and it comes with all those components I talked about.

[01:04:59]>> All right.

[01:04:59]>> No problem.

[01:05:00]>> Thank you. Thank you so much for that. I love the part where you mentioned that you make discipline have meaning. Yeah.

[01:05:07]And even if you look at the life of the prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam and even most of the >> Allah disciplined them. They went through trials and he made their suffering have meaning. Look at Musa Alam >> when from Egypt right and he helped the the girls with their water and their shepherd and he cried unto Allah in need of anything good you can send to me.

[01:05:29]After that what happened? Allah gave him a wife. Allah gave him a job. Allah granted him provision. You know, so those sufferings sometimes or trials that we go through, it is for us to have meaning to eat at the end of the day. So it makes sense. I could connect to that.

[01:05:44]Thank you for that. Now I want us to talk about raising children as couples now like as husband and wife. Growing up, I used to see my father. Something came to my mind right from childhood that I don't I I have seen people beat their wives, right? But I have never heard my father raise his voice against his wife or beat her or anything. So that thing psychologically was in my head that I I would not beat my wife. My dad never beat his wife. But there are people that also went through domestic violence. They saw their fathers beating their mothers and thought it was a normal thing. I have heard that before that. She said her father used to beat her mother so she could tolerate it because she thought it was normal and there are men too like that you know so how does a father's treatment of his wife shape his children can you talk briefly about that >> even by extension some of the the the the so-called alas have twisted even verses of the Quran to say that if your wife that like you should you must um you know you must also be aggressive you know so it is totally out of place now in in the context of children who have grown up in homes that those children were at risk they've been exposed to such events the advice I always give is that you see in even our negativities there's still something to There's still something to learn. The sad part is that the way Islam has designed the um was for check and balance.

[01:07:31]>> Yes.

[01:07:32]>> But in this present day, especially in the context of me and my wife and all, people don't get the support systems as buffers to actually cushioning their challenges. So they just do things the way they have seen it done. They have not seen there's so called vicarious learning. If I grew up in a home where it was beaten all the time but in my adult years I was exposed to other people's homes where it was not so learning can still take place. Change can still occur.

[01:08:05]So it's important for us as um individuals growing up into adulthood to take the journey towards learning by exposure and experience. We must also look at what the ideal is, what the right is and the standard is in the Quran and the Sunnah. If you grew up in a home where it was like this, the question you want to ask yourself is how did the prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam bodeled marital life.

[01:08:37]If you and that which you are aware that he never beat his wives, he never was never ashed on them. You know that is enough modeling for you to understand that yes, I've been exposed to this. I need to get help. I need to seek therapy if I'm still struggling with those thoughts so that when I actually because the truth is for a male child that has gone through those experiences they display externalizing behavior early enough in life in form of aggressiveness in form of destructiveness especially in their mids to early adulthood. But the female child they internalize it my brother. It is when they get into marriage that it is triggered especially when their spouse mimic potentials or patterns. For example, if your father who was abusive was always saying shut up in the house and for some reasons in conversations one day your husband said shut up. that's enough to trigger those childhood experiences that you have not integrated or resolved in therapy or that you've not had reasons to actually speak to somebody about. So it's important that if you still have so much of these deep in you, you need to find a professional to actually you know resolve this before you actually say you want to bring forth a child or even go into a marital journey because that can be a significant stressor for you and your marital quality.

[01:10:02]Thank you. Thank you for that. That makes sense. Uh now let's talk about digital parenting. That's one aspect I think I wanted us to also talk about.

[01:10:10]You know a lot of parents expose their children to smartphones and tablets at an early age. So what is the biggest digital danger that parents underestimate and what is the ideal age for children to have access to personal devices?

[01:10:26]I would say that a child that is not at midense yet which is 14 15 should not in any way have access to a personal uh phone device.

[01:10:41]A child from the ages of probably seven eight upwards can have access to a tablet that they would be monitored to use. You see once the child have a sense of ownership to device and that's why I prefer homes where you can watch from the TV or the smart or the the tablets are given at specific times >> like for example now my daughter I have a daughter that is 6 years of age it's only on weekends I give her access to my tablets weekends alone >> during school period she doesn't have access to my phone she can't even or my tablets But weekends, there are specific periods in the weekends that allow her, you know, watch what she wants to watch regulated and all. So, it has to be regulated because the truth is when you say screen time, you combine the TV screen time to the phone screen time to the tablet screen time, not just one.

[01:11:40]And they already in some schools, they already have they already exposed to computers and um um TVs and tablets or laptops already. So now bringing them home and they still addicted to it is a problem. What it does is when there is excessive exposure to screen time it has it has impact on their thinking pattern on their behavioral pattern and on their quality of life generally. It's going to disrupt even their sleep pattern because the point is this your eye poop your poops are meant to dilate a number of times per minute.

[01:12:21]When you are now fixated to the screen and your eyes are not blinking, it is not healthy for as a child even as an adult. So when you stay vigilated, it is creating damage to your to to to your health and beyond that you now start to struggle with wanting to sleep and and and so because the gadgets itself creates behavioral addiction >> and once the pattern of addiction is that it is sensation seeking it it it stimulates them. It needs to over stimulation. You see them scrolling, scrolling, scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. You know, as they scroll and watch, scroll and watch, scroll and watch, it brings too much information.

[01:13:06]They experience what we call information overload. And once a child at the early age is experiencing information overload, the child is unable to regulate their emotions. Those are the children that you see displaying tantrums. When they collect the device, they are hungry. They they cannot regulate their emotion. So children that are exposed to devices early eventually become emotionally unintelligent because they do not have what we call social emotional regulation skills.

[01:13:34]>> The problem now is that we now start to teach them how to manage their social relationships, how to initiate relationships, friendships, how to maintain friendships. We now start to teach them how to regulate their own emotions, how to regulate emotions of others. Whereas in those early years they should have been interacting with other children in physical play in the sand on the tree. They should have been playing football. They should have been playing games, hide and seek, making you know you should buy toys. There's what called the psycho motor domain of of of our development.

[01:14:10]>> So as a child there's the emotional domain, there's the academic, the intellectual domain, the cognitive domain and the psycho motor domain. When we talking of old child development, >> if a child is addicted to too much gadgets, it affects their emotional life, their social emotional life. They do not build the right social capitals.

[01:14:32]They don't know how to even talk to people. They don't know how to communicate. They don't know how to even identify their emotions. Second is that it affects even the cognitive life eventually because once you suffer from information overload your brain is not able to retain memory is not able to retain information properly. So you would struggle with attention. A lot of children that suffer from attention deficit hypatic disorder today or a lot of children suffer from ADD today. It is because they've been exposed too early to gadgets in their lives. M >> when you have extreme cases like schizophrenic conditions too it is associated go and check research is associated with early exposure to devices >> and then the third domain which is most critical too the psycho motor domain which has to do with your hand to eye coordination how you use your hands a lot of children do not they are not creative they do not cannot they can't build skills they can't do things with craft a boy of 10 year old can you change your father's tire they can't do it you know as simple as even sweeping and that is why domesticating a boy child is important they must learn to watch late they must learn to sweep they must learn to do all those minial things it helps them improve in their hand to their fine motor skills and their gross motor skills are improved this is what we call holistic development of a child >> so once they addicted to gadgets their time to doing all those other things are stolen away and then eventually you find out that look at where the world is going to now look at China schools in China schools in Switzerland they their early years program they have taken away tablets from them they have also seen by research that these things are creating more hand than good >> correctly yeah I've seen that as well a lot of European countries are these are the issues >> thank you thank you for addressing that makes sense so before we go to the rapid fire questions which we'll wrap it up with. I would like to ask what if um if you could give an advice to every father watching right now, what do you think they should start doing that would improve their fatherhood? What advice would you give?

[01:16:53]Um are you there mentor mo? I can see your video is paused again.

[01:17:00]>> Hello brother.

[01:17:01]>> Yes, I can hear you now. Did you hear the question? I'm sorry.

[01:17:04]>> Yeah. So, what advice would you give to every father?

[01:17:07]>> Yes. Listening. Yes. To improve their fatherhood. Yes.

[01:17:10]>> The advice.

[01:17:18]>> Yeah. Your video has frozen again. We can't hear you anymore.

[01:17:28]>> Me now.

[01:17:29]>> Yes, I can hear you now.

[01:17:31]>> I'm sorry about that.

[01:17:33]I'll give I'll tell every father to go and learn to play again. They must incorporate play into their everyday life.

[01:17:43]>> Play is significant in all ways to their adult health. If you do not have a child yet, start visiting orphanages. Look for your nephews. Look for your siblings. Learn to start having meaningful connection with children. It is important.

[01:18:02]>> Yes, it is important. Learn to be. It is the inner child. Learn to be without your role, your title, without your your your your position. Learn to be ordinary. Learn to be vulnerable. It is in the moment of unstructured play.

[01:18:20]Play that is not competitive, that does not require you to have a result. It is in that moment that you are most vulnerable. It is in that moment that you find your real self. It is in that moment that you heal from unresolved infantile conflict you know. So it's important for fathers to learn to play like a child. I want to encourage you father to learn to do this every day. I don't joke with this every single day around my children.

[01:18:48]>> I mean I mean that makes sense. I really love the way in which you put it that yes we need to learn a play especially something that our children are interested in that they love to do. then you do it >> not what you love to do because sometimes we want them to do the things we love about no it's about them it's about them mashallah thank you for that brother >> also I I would also advise parents or fathers that if we could also create some time to have conversation with our children and I learned this from a young girl in one madasa which I used to teach back in 2018 the girl was talking to me she was asking me a question and I was on my phone I wasn't really paying attention and she said why is it that like why is it that adults not pay attention to children when they are talking to them? I said where did you see that from? Why? He said my parents the same thing and you are doing it too.

[01:19:39]He said I want to ask you a question but you are not listening. You're just on your phone. I just dropped my phone and I listened to that girl and we had a good conversation and that was where I learned that yes we need to pay more attention to people. So I'll give you at least brothers listening three questions you can always ask your child on a daily basis or from time to time. Make it a habit. Ask them what made you smile today.

[01:20:00]>> You are building emotions through that.

[01:20:03]They will understand what are the things that make them happy. Right? Ask them what was the tough situation that you experienced today? What was the hard thing you went through? And you can have a conversation around it. That's how they open up to you with their problems and then you ask them too what do you think I can do for you to make a better day for you or make tomorrow better.

[01:20:24]This is very important and we should not reflective question of dua. Make dua for your children. Many of us don't make dua for our children because our children >> perfect fathers. Our fathers were not perfect too. Most many of us too we grew up learning how to become a father when we became fathers right we are in a journey. We are all work in progress now.

[01:20:46]>> Yeah. But the children need that present father in their life. Not even the presents that we give to them. Some of us we just buy toys for them. No, this is very important. May Allah make it easy for us. Thank you so much for your time.

[01:21:01]Let me give you a quick fire question just quickly. Okay. Uh so the first quick fire question is one parenting book every father should read.

[01:21:12]>> Ah the Quran.

[01:21:15]>> Mashallah. That's a good one. I love that. Thank you for that. All right. Uh, one parenting habit every father should stop.

[01:21:28]>> Being too bossy.

[01:21:30]>> Being too busy. Interesting. Okay. One family tradition every father should start.

[01:21:40]>> It is playtime. Oh, >> play time. Awesome. That's good.

[01:21:44]>> Playtime. Yes. Playtime. What is a phrase you think every child should hear from their father?

[01:21:55]>> You are the coolness of my eyes and I'm always proud of you.

[01:21:59]>> Mashallah. Beautiful. That's good.

[01:22:01]That's good. Mashallah. That's beautiful. So, um, thank you so much for your time and I don't know how much to appreciate you enough. I've been getting a lot of messages from people thanking >> us for having this conversation even though maybe most of them were unable to ask a lot of questions but some people were present >> alhamdulillah I hope and pray Allah accept this from us and count of so >> if there is one area we haven't covered is there anything else you like to share before we close inshallah >> uh wall it's been a lot of learning for me you know it was conversational so I in fact it it has allowed me reflect also and a lot of insight you gave from even your own end you know as has as been a learning curve for me so I want every father watching to understand that there's no perfect situation >> but uh yes there's no perfect situation we just have to be intentional about our every day what can I do to become better today that's the way forward. Most times we expect automaticity. We expect it to just happen overnight. But lie is not going to happen cuz it takes time for behavioral change to take place. So be kind to yourself as a father. Please >> be very kind to yourself. Be just to yourself by not being too overly critical. Okay? And just take it one day at a time. If you are kind to yourself, then you be kind to everybody around you. May Allah is our affairs. I mean I mean thank you so much for your generosity of your time and resources for spending this with us. I would love to end on this note inshallah with a reflective question that should linger in our hearts as Muslim men as fathers.

[01:23:47]Imagine 25 years from now your children are standing at your janaza. What do you hope they say to you about the kind of father which you were? Subhan Allah.

[01:23:58]This is very important that we understand that this conversation is not just about today. It's about the legacy we leave behind when we are gone. Some children will not make dua for us because we did not contribute positively to their lives. And some children will continue to make dua for us on a daily basis. Some children will even execute for us even before we die because of how much impact they felt we had in their lives. So this is very important for us to understand that fatherhood is not simply about raising children. It's about raising the next generation of truthful believers who we will be proud of inshallah who will be leaders of the um who will be truthful servants of Allah and whom the prophet will be proud of their numbers on the day of resurrection. Every father is writing a legacy that would outlive them. I hope me and you will write a good one for ourselves as well. Really want to appreciate you. May Allah bless and reward you abundantly for all you do.

[01:24:53]May Allah bless your efforts and your work and I accept from you as well.

[01:24:56]Inshallah I hope to see you guys next month as well when we host another live conversation like this with mento. Until then keep striving to be the best father you can be.

[01:25:11]Salam.