Samurai Cop (1991) is Astoundingly Awful... and Awesome

[00:00:07]I want to know where your samurai friend is.

[00:00:10]>> We're not good friends.

[00:00:13][singing] >> Greetings, my friend.

[00:00:23]>> Oh, hi there. My name is prosthetnic Voggon Jeffs and in this video I'm talking about an early9s cult classic. A movie that exemplifies So bad it's good.

[00:00:33]A movie that ventures so far past Awful Town it winds up in Awesome City.

[00:00:39]>> A movie that simultaneously underperforms and overdelivers in all the right ways. That's right. In this video I'm talking about Samurai Cop. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[00:01:02][music] >> Why did you come under?

[00:01:08]>> Cuz I'm an undercover cop.

[00:01:11]Written and directed by Amir Shervon, Samurai Cop is the story of a philandering police officer trained in the martial arts who speaks fluent Japanese, except he never speaks Japanese and his martial arts training consists of technically questionable boxing. But he is a womanizer. That part is accurate. The film, if we can be given the leniency to call it that, stars Matt Hannon, Robert Zadar, Mark Fraser, Janice Farley, Cranston Kamuro, Melissa Moore, and the legendary Gerald Okamura. Yeah, you know that dude from Big Trouble in Little China.

[00:01:48]Samurai Cop is an early '90s action flick that gained notoriety 20 some odd years after its initial release. It never hit theaters, and outside of a limited European release, it collected dust in a vault somewhere until the early 2000s. From there, it amassed a cult following, which led to an inevitable sequel in 2015. A sequel that is somehow worse than the original in both quality and entertainment value. I don't know how they did it. Samurai Cop 2 has at least 300% more adult movie stars, yet 400% less tit.

[00:02:22]>> [laughter] >> It also has 100% more Tommy Wiso.

[00:02:25]>> NO ONE CAN STOP ME, BUT I CAN stop myself.

[00:02:30]>> 100% more established.

[00:02:33]>> And 1,000% more plastic surgery. I don't understand percentages.

[00:02:40]Hey, you don't forget to keep your ears peeled for the secret word. When you hear it, I want you to scream at the top of your lungs for no reason whatsoever.

[00:02:48]Okay, cool. The secret word is face.

[00:02:58]All right. Um, [laughter] oh man, are you guys ready for this? This is going to be wild.

[00:03:04]Okay, here we go. First things first, there's this gang, the Katana gang. It's run by a dude named Fujyama, and he's trying to consolidate power and control the coke business of Los Angeles.

[00:03:15]There's some disagreement within his ranks, but I can't stress this enough.

[00:03:18]It literally doesn't matter.

[00:03:19]>> It's the Order of Katana.

[00:03:23]We fight.

[00:03:24]>> While confronting a rival gang, we learned one of the core rules of Samurai Cop. Martial arts are no match for guns.

[00:03:32][screaming] And the LAPD is no match for the Katana gang. So, Officer Frank Washington is tasked with bringing in and teaming up with samurai cop Joe Marshall.

[00:03:45]>> Are you sure this is a good bust? Yeah, cocaine.

[00:03:50]>> He's on loan from the San Diego Police Department because, yeah, sure, why not?

[00:03:55]Joe was trained in the martial arts in Japan, where he also learned to speak fluent Japanese. We're going to have to take the movie's word for it, though, because at no point do we see either of these things being demonstrated. Frank and Joe head out on a drug bust and connect with fellow LAPD officer Peggy.

[00:04:10]She helps Rigs and Mr. >> [laughter] >> I mean, uh, Joe and Frank track a blue coke filled van across the city. It's on its way to the marina where the deal is going down. Instead of focusing on the task at hand, Joe and Peggy flirt and discuss how hard and warm they are for each other.

[00:04:26]>> Okay, Joe, keep it up.

[00:04:27]>> Oh, it's up and ready. Uh, you just keep it warm.

[00:04:30]>> It's warm and ready.

[00:04:31]>> The blue van gives the cops the slip, and the deal goes down without incident.

[00:04:35]Smooth move, samurai cop. Instead of leaving empty-handed, Frank and Joe decide to wait for the blue van to leave the marina and then engage in a Benny Hill car chase.

[00:04:55][music] A high-speed gunfight breaks. [laughter] Okay, sorry. Did I say higheed? Okay. A regular speed gunfight breaks out and Joe gives Frank some sage advice.

[00:05:05]>> Shoot. Shoot him.

[00:05:09][music] >> You got him.

[00:05:11]>> Hold on. Hold on.

[00:05:15]>> Watch it.

[00:05:16]>> The chase heads off road and the last gunman is taken out. We get a bit more Benny Hill.

[00:05:33]And then Frank manages to shoot the driver/drugdealer who subsequently crashes the van. It explodes and releases a massive fireball as vans are want to do. And the driver emerges, flailing frantically in feverish flashing flames. [laughter] It must have been pretty hot because it burned off his mustache. But he'll live, which means the bust is a moderate success.

[00:05:54]>> Good job, guys.

[00:05:55]celebration.

[00:05:56]>> You got it. I'll see you back at your place.

[00:06:00]>> Naturally, Peggy and Joe decide to celebrate by heading back to his place for a hump session. And if we learned one thing from R. Kelly back in the '90s, it's that there ain't nothing wrong with a little bump and grind.

[00:06:15]Oddly enough, R. Kelly's abuse allegations began in 1991, the very same year that Samurai Cop wrapped production. Coincidence?

[00:06:30]Fujiama is pissed. So, he sends his top samurai, a white dude with a massive jaw named Yamashita, to decapitate the heavily toasted dealer in the hospital.

[00:06:40]>> I want his head on this piano so that every man in my organization understands once more that No Katana gets captured alive or >> Oh, good god.

[00:06:50]>> Frank and Joe make it there first and try to interrogate him. Do you think he'd be able to answer a few questions?

[00:06:55]>> No way. His lips are burned.

[00:06:57]>> Ah, okay. That that makes sense. If the fire burned the dealer's mustache off, it stands to reason that his lips would have been burned as well. Okay. Well, instead of an interrogation scene, can we have a Joe Essouse level conversation between Joe and the nurse?

[00:07:09]>> Do you like what you see?

[00:07:12]>> I love what I see.

[00:07:14]>> Would you like to touch what you see?

[00:07:16]>> Yes. Yes, I would.

[00:07:18]>> Would you like to go out with me?

[00:07:21]Would you like to [ __ ] me?

[00:07:25]>> Bingo.

[00:07:27]>> That escalated quickly.

[00:07:28]>> Well, then let's see what you've got.

[00:07:32]>> Doesn't interest me. Nothing there.

[00:07:35]>> Nothing there.

[00:07:36]>> Have you been circumcised?

[00:07:38]>> Yeah, I have. Why?

[00:07:39]>> Well, your doctor must have cut a big portion of it off.

[00:07:42]>> No, he uh he was a good doctor >> and deescalated twice as fast.

[00:07:46]>> Don't worry, I got enough. It's big.

[00:07:51]>> I want bigger.

[00:07:52]>> What [laughter] the hell is going on in this scene? Anyway, after getting rejected for having a small willie, Joe leaves the hospital with Frank and tow.

[00:08:00]Moments later, Firebush of Clan Katana shows up and sneaks Yamashita into the dealer's room. After completing a headctomy, Yamashita tucks himself back into Firebush's garbage cart, and they make for the exit. But their actions are soon discovered, and Yamashida is forced to deal with the Hey, wait a minute. I'd like to talk to you gang. Hey, wait a minute. I want to talk to you.

[00:08:21]>> Hey, wait a minute. Stop.

[00:08:25]Hey, wait a minute.

[00:08:27]>> HEY, WAIT A MINUTE. DOCTOR, I'd like to talk to you.

[00:08:31]>> Back at the police station, Captain Ror gives Joe and Frank the business for their sloppy police work.

[00:08:36]>> Godamn you guys. All you've done is cost me bloodshed and mayhem.

[00:08:40]>> The captain is ready to send Joe packing, but Frank manages to convince him to give the samurai cop another chance.

[00:08:46]>> What they want is results. That's what we're going to give him. We're going to give him the results. Why don't we give Samurai here a second chance? I need him. We need him. So, why don't we just help him and support him?

[00:08:55]>> God damn it. Get the hell out of my Elvis. Get out of here. I don't want to see your face.

[00:09:01]>> You son of a [ __ ] >> And now that we're about a third of the way through the movie, it's probably a good time to take some questions.

[00:09:07]Anybody have any questions?

[00:09:08]>> What does katana mean?

[00:09:10]>> It means Japanese sword.

[00:09:12]Joe and Frank decide to visit the Blue Lagoon restaurant to confront Fuj Fujama.

[00:09:17]>> Are you Fuj Fujiama?

[00:09:19]>> Yes, I am. Who are you?

[00:09:21]>> I'm a cop.

[00:09:24]So, you're the infamous boss of this [ __ ] katana gang, huh?

[00:09:27]>> Yeah, apparently his first name is Foo.

[00:09:30]Or would that be his last name? Eh, it doesn't matter.

[00:09:32]>> You have no right insulting my client.

[00:09:35]You have nothing on him.

[00:09:36]>> We have many things on him.

[00:09:37]>> You have nothing on me.

[00:09:38]>> Oh, I got a lot of [ __ ] on you. The cops have nothing on the guy. They just thought it would be a good idea to interrupt his meal and talk [ __ ] to his ugly mug.

[00:09:45]>> And yeah, this is the land of opportunity for legitimate business, not for death merchants.

[00:09:51]>> After giving Fujiamyama a lecture, Joe falls in love with restaurant manager Jennifer.

[00:09:56]>> What's an all-American girl like you doing with a geek like this?

[00:09:59]>> And Frank laughs hysterically.

[00:10:01][laughter] >> They get some of Jennifer's deets from Sebastian. This is my first name.

[00:10:10]>> And then head out to the parking lot.

[00:10:11]Yamashita can't abide the disrespect, so he gets some katana goons to attack Joe one at a time.

[00:10:19]>> The samurai cop beats the piss out of each of them and even cuts one of their arms off [screaming] before Yamashita loses it and starts gunning all of them down. When he runs out of bullets, he starts lobbing grenades. Now, you'd think that all of this would be enough to warrant a chase or at the very least some kind of a charge against Fujama.

[00:10:38]>> Captain Roma's going to burn my ass.

[00:10:40]Yeah, he's going to burn it. Charcoal black.

[00:10:42]>> But no, instead, Joe and Frank take a break for racial unity.

[00:10:47]>> It is black. Right on.

[00:10:50]>> Later, Joe returns to the restaurant to ask Jennifer out on a date. She turns him down because she's only got room for one long-haired beast in her life.

[00:10:58]Seriously, what the hell is going on with this lion? Why are we framing these shots around the lion? Joe can't take no for an answer and starts prying into her private. [laughter] Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. The lion. What is going on with this lion? On his way out of the restaurant/nightclub, Joe is confronted by a group of goons.

[00:11:16]>> Don't move. What are you going to do?

[00:11:18][music] Shoot me?

[00:11:19]>> Stay back. This guy is mine.

[00:11:23]>> He beats them all up and chases one dude for several blocks. He finds out that they were sent by Okamura, one of Yamashita's enforcers. So Joe grabs Frank and Peggy and this guy, and they head over to Okamura's house. They're about to bust in on a potentially dangerous situation. So obviously, the only thing Peggy can think about is dick.

[00:11:42]>> This time he probably cut my dick, too, huh?

[00:11:44]>> You better come to my house before you report to the captain.

[00:11:46]>> For what?

[00:11:47]>> Let's use it before you lose it.

[00:11:49]>> I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that her character is motivated entirely by Schlong.

[00:11:54]>> You and I got nothing to do.

[00:11:57]Let's [ __ ] >> Shut up.

[00:11:59]>> The whole operation goes tits up when Joe is unable to operate a sliding door.

[00:12:04]>> Don't move. You're under arrest.

[00:12:05]>> He eventually catches up with Okamura, who challenges him to unarmed combat.

[00:12:11]>> Joe complies and Okamura kicks so hard that he breaks reality and they travel to an entirely different filming location. The katana goon rips off Joe's hair in the heat of battle, but Joe uses his samurai powers to instantly grow it all back. And angered by being de-wiged, Samurai Joe punches Okamura back to their original filming location. He snaps his neck, but also doesn't because that wasn't part of the script, man. He breaks his arm instead, and then they try to arrest him, but his arm isn't really broken either, and he grabs Frank's gun. So, Joe is forced to put a bullet in his head.

[00:12:44]>> Well, this one's dead, too. Not captured alive.

[00:12:47]>> Now, this really upsets Fujiyama. So, he gets Yamashita to call in support from New York. and a bunch of black guys show up with Adrien Brody, ready to break legs. Joe shoots his way out of the ambush and walks away completely unscathed. And it's been a minute since we've seen any boob. So, cut to Firebush and American Dad getting their freak on.

[00:13:05]Now, cut to Joe creeping on Jennifer at her church service. He takes her back to his place under false pretenses.

[00:13:11]>> So, this is the police station where you're interrogating me?

[00:13:14]>> This is the place >> where he cooks the restaurant manager a nice chicken dinner. They follow their meal with a quick dip in the [laughter] Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait. Did Jennifer bring that bathing suit with her? Does she wear it all the time under her clothes for just such an occasion?

[00:13:28]Or did Joe have a spare suit just lying around his house? Anyway. Anyway, while Joe is putting the moves on Jennifer, Yamashita and the Katana gang are visiting all of his co-workers for information on the samurai cop's whereabouts. This dude and his wife are murdered. Peggy is tortured. And Frank is Well, Frank's fine.

[00:13:45]>> What do you want? I'm going to kill you now or I can relieve you of this gift.

[00:13:50]This black gift.

[00:13:51]>> He manages to turn the tables on his attackers. Frank tries to call Joe to warn him about the katana gang.

[00:13:57]>> Is it a phone?

[00:13:58]>> But the samurai cop is too busy baking a birthday cake for Jennifer.

[00:14:03]>> Happy birthday to you.

[00:14:06]Happy birthday to you.

[00:14:08]>> Jesus Christ.

[00:14:10]>> Happy birthday, dear Jennifer. Happy birthday to you. Thank you.

[00:14:16]>> You're welcome.

[00:14:16]>> Well, I mean, you can't argue with the results. It seems ridiculous, but Jennifer is smitten. She lets Joe whisk her away to the bedroom where we get a bit more kissing, softcore love making, or more tit. I mean, come on. It's all three, of course. Haven't you been paying attention? Unfortunately, just as Joe is about to slide into home plate, he gets another call from Frank.

[00:14:36]>> Look out fast, man. Those guys are looking for you.

[00:14:39]>> Who warns him of the impending katana threat.

[00:14:41]>> Looks like they're already here. Got to Joe and Jennifer managed to escape. She heads back to her restaurant and the buddy cops get chewed out by the captain yet again.

[00:14:49]>> I should fire both of you.

[00:14:50]>> But this time, the captain has completely lost it.

[00:14:53]>> I want you to turn [music] his house into a bloodbath. Don't leave anybody alive.

[00:14:59]>> Now you're talking.

[00:15:00]>> And decides to let Joe and Frank loose on some homicidal rampage. They break into the Katana gang compound and shoot their way through Fujama's henchmen. But oh no, the gang leader has taken Jennifer hostage. He convinces the police officers to drop their weapons.

[00:15:13]>> All I want to do is get out of this country.

[00:15:15]>> And then promptly shoots Frank in the chest. Luckily, he was wearing a bulletproof vest.

[00:15:20]>> He's not as smart as I am.

[00:15:22]>> There's a lot of luck going around in this scene. Lucky that he wasn't shot anywhere else. Lucky that Fujama didn't try to shoot Joe first. But I think if we're nitpicking stuff at this point, we've kind of lost the plot. The plot that barely existed in the first place.

[00:15:36]Oh, and it looks like Joe and Jennifer are making out again. Guys, come on. Can we save this for the end of the movie, please? Frank and Joe head out for another ridiculously long and laughably awful gunfight until Yamashita shows up.

[00:15:47]He convinces Samurai Cop to duel to the death using swords. And hold on, would you look at this thing? Could we not have gotten these close-ups before beating the props to [ __ ] Look at that blade. This thing isn't cutting anything. Hattorii Hanzo is spinning in his grave. Joe picks up a spare sword and cleans it using his arm. There's no blood on it, but I guess using a dusty sword is bad etiquette or something.

[00:16:10]Whatever. After taking turns posturing for the camera in front of a mountain, the duel is on. We get a bit of cringe sword play, but honestly, who watches a movie called Samurai Cop for sword play?

[00:16:20]The two samurai warriors disarm each other and proceed to punch mugs.

[00:16:35][music] Oh, okay. And back to the swords for a few moments and then back to punching.

[00:16:48]I guess variety is the spice of life.

[00:16:51][screaming] >> Joe does another one of his fake neck breaks and Yamashita admits defeat. You lost.

[00:16:58]You lost face. [screaming] [laughter] >> Joe prepares to Highlander his way to a conclusion, but Frank interjects at the last moment.

[00:17:08]>> No, Joe, [music] you're a cop.

[00:17:10]>> Yamashita then commits Sepuku so that he can die with honor.

[00:17:15]something I whatever. And then Joe and Jennifer reunite so that they can hump on a rock. The end.

[00:17:25]>> Samurai Cop is a Skinamax version of Lethal Weapon written and directed by a dude who would have been reverent to the skills of Tommy Wiso and Neil Breen.

[00:17:34]>> Oh yeah. And where's your proof?

[00:17:36]>> Everything about this movie is technically awful. Objectively, everything you did was wrong. Well, okay. Almost everything. It's a field guide for how not to shoot a film or edit one or track continuity. The cinematography is horrendous. The plot is cobbled together like some kind of cinematic golem with Down syndrome, up syndrome, every which way syndrome. But it's one of those movies where the details surrounding the movie elevate it to mythical status. The balls tothe-wall gorilla film making that make Ed Wood look like a consumate professional.

[00:18:09]>> We don't have a permit. Run.

[00:18:11]>> The lost in a vault lore. the lead actor that everyone thought was dead for a couple years, who went from actor to convicted art thief serving time and then back to actor. He made some weird social media post about wanting to join the circus like 3 years ago and then hasn't been heard from since. Wild stuff. It is without a doubt one of the worst movies ever made and I absolutely love every frigin second of it.

[00:18:35][laughter] I mean, come on. If you don't find this movie endlessly entertaining and hilarious, what is wrong with you?

[00:18:41]Why don't you like fun?

[00:18:43]>> I feel like somebody stuck a big club up my ass and it hurts. I've got to figure out a way to get it out of there.

[00:18:49]>> Square. Now, if I'm being completely straight about this and judging it by the literal guidelines of the Maniac movie score, this thing, this monstrosity gets a one out of nine. And it only gets that one point because I quote unquote enjoyed the movie in the most ironic sense imaginable. But like the films of Ed Wood and Neil Breen, this isn't the kind of movie you watch with any typical expectations. It is a quintessential so bad it's good flick.

[00:19:15]And through that lens, there's only one score I can hand out. There's only one score befitting the baffling bodaciousness of Samurai Cobb. N out of nine. Deal with it. A good day.

[00:19:30]No. No. No. No. DON'T DO THAT.

[00:19:44]>> [music] [screaming and groaning] [music] >> WOW,