Living With One Of The HARDEST Mental Health Disorders (BPD)

Added: 2026-05-31

[00:00:00]Also, when I was experiencing this as a teenager, it was just my hormones. It was just my hormones. It was just my hormones. I'm sorry, Mom, but I don't think me doing at a zoo was me doing be having hormones. I'm sorry, mom, but the school pulling me out because I was a threat to myself. They thought I was going to kill myself. I don't think that was hormone. So, that's another thing.

[00:00:19]If you're younger dealing with it, you kind of get invalidated with your hormones. And also just like, oh, you need more time to figure that out.

[00:00:26]Nothing's wrong with you. Cool. Great.

[00:00:28]Amazing. And then you do go to the doctor. Oh, by the way, we have this thing called DBT that usually works. Oh, but there's other tools, too. But you have to go and find it because it's going to be personalized to you because there's actually no treatment to BPD.

[00:00:39]Well, there's no cure. There's treatment. There's no cure to BPD. So, they're like, "Oh, there's actually no cure to BPD. So, if you want to try meds, we're going to give you a bipolar medication and a Caesar medication and an anti-depressant and then an anxiety pill. and we're going to hope one of those works because we haven't done enough research to know if there is something to help you. So, we're just going to lab rat your ass while you're here. So, honestly, you might get sicker before you get better.

[00:01:10]But, um, isn't that what you Isn't Isn't Don't you want help? Don't you want help? Don't you want to help? Bro, I'm scared.

[00:01:19]Hey besties, and welcome back to the Why Would I Say That podcast. It's your girl Tiara and today I want to talk to you guys about how BPD is one of the worst mental illnesses to live with. And I know because I know from experience and I live with it and this is hard. If you struggle with borderline personality disorder or think that you struggle with borderline personality disorder, I know you know how complicated, how stigmatized, how many myths there are breaking down how you feel but no one really understanding you. There are so many dynamics that genuinely make this so hard to manage and to live with and to just, you know, keep going. I want to share with you how I got to where I am today because it is by far one of the most hardest mental illnesses to deal with. I won't say again the worst. We're not going to play my dick is bigger game. I'm sure in different aspects and different situations, we can all say that I had it worse here, there, and there, and there, and there, and there. And the thing is, the National Institution of Mental Health also agrees with me. It's science. This is hard to deal with. And for anyone that is watching this and is new to this, I do not want to scare you at all. You probably have already scared the living out of yourself. So, this is nothing new to you. This is for the people that are dealing with these big heavy things. They know how scary and dooming it is. I'm not saying that you are doomed. What I'm saying is this is hard to live with. But we don't have to make it hard. We can get out of it. And we can like have hobbies, have goals, have relationships, have careers. We can have it all. We just have to learn how because no one ever taught us. But I don't want to go too deep into that before I explain what BPD is for the people that are new here that don't know what BPD is. Is watching for a loved one, watching for themselves. I want to tell you a little more about BPD, its myths, and how hard it is to live with.

[00:03:16]and then I'm gonna tell you how I got to where I am today. I'm not saying that I'm perfect. I am not saying I'm in remission or healed. But I do think I am in the best spot of my life that I've ever been. And I'm really passionate about BPD because again, I never thought I could be here today. I genuinely thought I was going to probably end my life. I had endings of lives in my family history. I had it all around me.

[00:03:42]At school, we had this little curse thing. It was just I did not think I was going to make it. I just felt like the odds weren't there and I didn't plan for it. But I'm here and I made it and now I'm planning for my future. I'm honoring myself. I'm regulating my emotions as much as I can. I'm doing the work as much as I can and I just am so passionate about it because I want you to know that you can too. I swear to God if I can, you can. It might not seem like it because I remember everyone else used to say that and I would never believe them. Everything's gonna be okay. It's gonna get better with time.

[00:04:19]Everything's just going to I hate all of that. I hated it. It might be the BPD in me, but I genuinely hated hearing it, but I'm passionate and trying to get it through your thick skulls. I don't mean that rudely. I just know myself. I have a thick skull. It wasn't getting through to me. So maybe if it comes from someone like you, it might help because I actually understand what it's like to not be understood and to not be heard and to literally be diagnosed and everyone still tell you that, hey, you're making it up in your head cuz it really does happen. I'm not sitting here being like, "Oh, I'm so Jaden. Everyone told me I made it up." No, it literally does happen. And I'm going to tell you why and my opinions on it and everything.

[00:05:00]Let's just get straight into this so I can help you guys. But then also, this is the worst thing to live with. It really is one of the worst things. We're not playing my dig is bigger game. So, if you don't know what borderline personality disorder is, it's the instability of moods, behaviors, and relationships. And as I always say, and probably every time that I say that, it's a little unstable over here. But that's okay. It's okay cuz we learn it and we living and it's fine. It's our first times on this earth. I'm not trying to make that dumbass excuse, but I am. and it's my podcast. So, I'm going to but and before I get into the criteria like I usually do right after I tell you the definition because the criteria also explains it a little bit.

[00:05:40]I'm going to tell you the causes because it's not just us being unstable. And that's why I say it's our first time living. We genuinely don't know how. I'm not even making an excuse. It is literally the explanation. BBD actually does not have a direct cause like other mental illnesses. And I'm not saying this as I have it worse game. I'm literally explaining this disorder. Do not clip me weird. Do not post me weird.

[00:06:04]Okay, I'm explaining this. I'm explaining it. BPD does not necessarily It's not necessarily genetic. It can be genetic, but there's multiple roles that have to play into effect. And I think we are stigmatized a lot because hey, you're just you thought it in your brain. You it's not made in your brain.

[00:06:23]So therefore, it's your fault. You can just unthink it. No, I can't. I can't.

[00:06:27]Let me explain. Let me explain. Let me explain. And I'm going to read this straight from the science so you don't think I'm speaking out of my [ __ ] And I'm going to post this if you're watching on YouTube so you know I'm not speaking out of my [ __ ] podcast. You just have to trust me. Source. Just trust me, bro. No, seriously. Source is psychology. Okay, I promise. There is no single cause of borderline personality disorder. Instead, it is understood to be a result of complex interplay of genetic, neurological, and environmental factors. And again, I like to dumb all this down because I don't like the sciency stuff. What this basically is learn behavior. It could be some of your genetics, your environment. So that means the people you're around, the things that you're seeing, the things that you're listening to, the things that you're touching, smelling, all those things. Everything that's around you is your environment. Whatever you're sitting around right now, that is your current environment.

[00:07:14]So it has a role of all of those things.

[00:07:16]It's not just, hey, I was born with this thing and it's valid because it can be proven. Mine was developed. it. I didn't start out this way. So therefore, I can go back to where I was. So why aren't you? Why are you being like emotional?

[00:07:32]Why are you being unstable? Why are you doing this? Why are you doing that?

[00:07:37]Cuz I'm traumatized. That's why. Because probably, no offense, mom and dad, I love y'all. It says it learned behavior.

[00:07:44]Obviously, I didn't learn how to get through my bad emotions properly.

[00:07:50]So sorry, parents. I love y'all. I love y'all to death, but I don't I am not going to lie. I taught myself how to deal with my emotions.

[00:07:59]And y'all know it because I never shut up about psychology and things like that and explaining psychology to y'all. So, if you see this, parents, love y'all.

[00:08:05]And obviously, I do have a small genetic role playing an effect. Um, my family is a little bit crazy crazy. There isn't very many of us diagnosed. My aunt got diagnosed with BPD before me years years ago. I think it was like 2015. cuz then she told me like a year or two later that she thinks I have it because I'm going crazy. And a bunch of my aunts committed. I have closer to me family that have also said it, but it's just so normalized in my family. Like, I don't want to be here long. It's fine. Haha. Like, I'm going to drink myself to death. I'm going to do this to death. Blah blah blah. It's fine. I'm enjoying my time. Like, I kind of grew up like that. Like I'm here for a good time, not a long time, but just just habits are very normalized. Like we are functioning when we do the substances and the alcohols and things like that. Sorry family, I'm not trying to run our business, but this is my mission and my goal. Genuinely, there's obviously some balance of an chemical of something going on because there's no way almost every single person in my entire family has struggled with these similar things. Did they all get help?

[00:09:15]Not saying that at all because like I said, there's not very many people that are diagnosed in my family or at least it's not disclosed or when we bring up these things. It's just a discipline or some I don't freaking know. Anyway, it has to do with your environment. It has to do with learned behavior. It has to do with genetics.

[00:09:34]Also, another another thing that can cause borderline personality disorder is trauma. Okay? A lot of the times BPD will come out and these irrational unstable reactions will come out due to a trauma. It triggered it was triggered by a big life event and it feels like no one is listening to them or no one's hearing them out. To give examples and I'm not trying to go deep darken everything. I'm not even going to give my own personal examples. We're not going to go that dark yet. But these things could be like agual assault.

[00:10:09]I don't mean to like downplay these words either. Like I'm scratching my head in this. I just don't want to get demonetized and stuff, you know? I want to spread this information. Let me keep it spreading it. Okay? So, when I'm scratching, mumbling, I'm not downplaying the severity of these situations. It's genuinely I'm trying to get this out there as far as I can because this information is important and sometimes the media won't let me do that, too. So, things like essay, I could have said that. abuse, whether it's emotional, neglect, physical, it could be a traumatic relationship, it could be invalidation of emotion over a long period of time. I know we have all, no matter who you are, has had their feelings invalidated before. A normal person has their feelings invalidated from time to time. No, it's not right.

[00:10:51]They walk away. Border lines usually have experienced long periods of invalidation of emotion. So it's kind of like think of children running around playing when does something wrong, makes a mistake and we got to do a learning behavior. The kid gets upset because he doesn't want to learn because that's what kids do. Kids cry. They don't know better. They literally don't know better. But then the child is screaming and crying. If you don't stop crying, I'm going to give you a reason to cry.

[00:11:22]Or the kids got his feelings hurt somewhere. Oh, no. No. You shouldn't have your feelings hurt. Man up. man up or you're being sensitive. You're being sensitive. Get over it. Get over it. Get over it. Was the child's feeling still not hurt? Were they still not crying?

[00:11:35]Instead of saying no, no, no. Because that's telling them that they don't have that feeling. That feeling should not be real. They're not even that feeling isn't even being acknowledged. Shut up.

[00:11:43]I don't want that around me. That they then don't process it. They don't know how to be sad. They don't know how to if this feeling comes up, how to actually properly react. Shut up.

[00:11:55]Sit down. go over there. And that happens every single time. So therefore, they don't learn how to be angry. They don't learn how to be sad. They don't know how to hold their emotions. So then they come out and burst when they grow up. I'm not saying they're going to grow up to have BPD. I'm not saying every single case of a child that has heard that will have BPD. Again, there's so many things that play. There's just a mixing pot of this is a mixing pot of a bunch of [ __ ] So, not every kid that has experienced just that will have BPD, but just experiencing things like that repetitively over and over and over again will teach a child not to like have emotion. And it's not that they don't have emotion. Everybody, every person in this whole world has emotion.

[00:12:34]Even like the people that like sociopaths don't have emotion. They have their own emotion. They just don't feel it the way that we do and like they think about it in a different way and they just don't get the same signals as us. they have their own feeling of something whether that is of nothing that is a feeling of something. We all have emotion. We need to be taught how to properly get through it. So anyone that has been invalidated over a long period of time usually will take this into adulthood. So when they get made fun of it hurt their feelings.

[00:13:02]They're feeling embarrassed. They're feeling ashamed. They're feeling bullied. But to someone like a borderline, I don't have those words.

[00:13:12]I'm upset. My chest feels tight. I'm scared. Why did you say that about me? I don't know. Why are these feelings? I shouldn't feel this way. Well, how am I supposed to react? I don't know. I genuinely do not know how to get through that feeling. And the thing is, people are going to say things that about you and you need to know how to get through that. You are going to get depressed one day. You are going to get your heart broken. And I just want everyone to know that is the reality of life. It's not that life is bad. It's literally that we need to be taught how to get through this so our life isn't terrible because life is made up of good and bad things.

[00:13:44]But if you don't teach someone to get through the bad and we ignore all the bad because whatever the you're ashamed of your own, you're going to cause some that's all I'm going to say. It's going to cause some but that's basically the causes of borderline personality disorder. It's like a concoction of and it's not that you're just wake up when you were one years old and just had BPD and you've always had BPD. That's literally not how it works. That's just not how it works. It's developed. So, I feel like we are invalidated a lot of the time because I woke up one day at 12 years old and flipped my script. I just went through a lot and one day it just mixed the right just the right chemicals in my brain. It's a bippity boppity boobd [ __ ] That's what it said. Oh, okay. Thanks. Because now nobody believes me.

[00:14:32]Anyway, that's besides the point. So, let's get in the criteria now that you know the cause, cuz I just went off on the people that I might still be angry at, but mind your business. I just don't like people that aren't willing to educate themselves on other people.

[00:14:46]Like, we all have different brains and you're mad at me because I cry sometimes. Like, shut the [ __ ] up. I'm sorry. Shut up. Do you not cry? Are you a robot? Is something wrong with you? Is something wrong with you? I'm sorry. I'm very passionate. All right. So, there's nine criteria to BPD. In order to be diagnosed, you need to meet five out of the nine criteria. And just because you relate to these does also not mean that you have BPD. I'm saying that because this has to be happening for a concurrent like I'm getting my ass beat by this criteria right now. Okay? Not to invalidate anybody at all, but just to get people to understand like we are normal people. We just feel these feelings to the extreme.

[00:15:24]Every Let me get through it and you'll know what I mean. So, the first one is frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Obviously, no one wants their boyfriend to break up with them, their friends to not be their friends anymore. We don't want that to happen. It's not a good feeling. But to a borderline, hey, you're here giving me a hug right now. Are you leaving me?

[00:15:47]Does that mean you're leaving me because you're giving me a hug? Oh my god. So, what do I do to make you not leave me?

[00:15:52]And then I do a bunch of for noing reason. They just gave me a hug and saying that they love me, but I took it as they're giving me a hug. Goodbye. So now I'm going to try to avoid that abandonment by doing a bunch of extra stuff behind the scenes of our relationship to try to get you to stay with me even though you're already staying with me, but that's actually going to push you away because it's annoying. Not that we're annoying. I No one's annoying here, but just like I really don't know how any other way to explain it. Or even if someone is leaving. Oh lord, I've embarrassed myself a lot of times. I was a serial dater. You act crazy. You act a little crazy. Just a little bit. Okay. You act a little crazy. Yeah. I really don't want to trauma dump on you guys right now. But yeah, basically, um, there have been times, and I'm not trying to be like, "Oh, they left me and I tried to kill myself." I'm not trying to say that at all. I don't like that. I hate that there's so much stigma around it, but there has been times I have like made an intempt. And genuinely, and I mean this and I even thought this then, yes, I was upset that they were leaving. 100% 20,000,000 20 million%. It wasn't about manipulation, dude. I literally felt like I was having a heart attack. I thought I was going to throw up and my skin was on fire and I wanted to escape that feeling because I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to feel like this. I don't know what to do. No, I'm not lovable obviously and I don't know what the [ __ ] is wrong with me.

[00:17:17]That's why. So, it's actually really crazy um when you fear abandonment as a borderline. But yes, obviously everyone does fear abandonment to a degree.

[00:17:26]Again, BPD, think in extremes.

[00:17:27]Everything is to the extreme. The second one is a pattern of unstable, intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idolization and devaluization.

[00:17:38]I don't think I pronounced those words right. So, you genuinely see things in all good or bad. So, if I'm having a bad day, that means I'm having a bad life.

[00:17:46]If I'm having a good day, that means I'm having a good life. Everything is great.

[00:17:49]I don't struggle with anything and I did not try to end my life when somebody left me out the window because I'm perfect, beautiful, amazing. But then also flip the script, ugly, worthless, should die. So yeah, and then you flip-flop in between those. So like one day you could wake up happy, two hours later I want to die. An hour later I'm cleaning everything and I'm happy. the next hour I'm angry that I've been up and down all day. The moods are switching fast. Identity disturbance or a shifting self-image or unstable sense of self. So basically, if you see someone constantly changing their hobbies, their goals, their careers, their everything, their looks, their whatever, and it seems like they just aren't st nothing is ever the same, that is an unstable sense of self. But some people just have personalities, they like to change it up. Um but border lines feel this in their core. If I liked golf yesterday and today I like soccer. I never liked golf. I only like soccer and I can only play soccer. And like it's weird. It's like I just I I don't even like golf. But I did like it yesterday, but I I don't today so I never liked it. I How did I ever like that? I don't even think that I liked it. It's really weird. And something I recognize in a lot of Border Lines, you ask them something like, "Hey, tell me about yourself. What do you like to do?

[00:19:08]This is what we do." Uh um uh my uh uh my name is Sierra. That's literally all you can get out of me. I don't know because I think I know that about myself, but do I?

[00:19:23]I don't know. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging. This could be spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless behavior, binge eating, and things like that. So, you're just really impulsive with the things. You're impulsive with the moods and the behaviors. You could sit there and be like, "Oh, I'm on my sober journey. Friends are going out for drinks. Yeah, go big or go home right now." Even though I had this whole plan to not do that or um people that you sleep with, you're making questionable decisions. You're filling the void.

[00:19:52]You're bored. You're filling the void.

[00:19:54]You're just impulsive. Reoccurrent unaliving behavior gestures threats are self hurting behaviors. So that's self harm. And obviously that's not good to deal with. That's real bad. That's not fun to deal with.

[00:20:10]No, it's no. No bueno. No bueno. No bueno. No good. I don't need to explain that one very much. The next one is paranoia. So basically, we get a little paranoid sometimes. Are they leaving us?

[00:20:21]Did they just say something about me?

[00:20:24]Are my friends talking about me right now? Did somebody make a group chat and start talking about me? They all hate me. My family doesn't love me for some reason. They just haven't texted me.

[00:20:33]Now, we just get really paranoid.

[00:20:35]Intense anger or difficulty controlling anger. Um, a lot of the times I like to explain this as splitting and so does science because it's science. We think of all good or all bad. So, this is not the only example of splitting. Splitting can present in very many different ways.

[00:20:49]But when we have an intense anger, we're thinking in black and white. We see a threat, we are angry, we're going to protect ourselves because that's basically what splitting is. And it's a protective coping mechanism. It is not like always a bad thing. Sometimes it will protect you from really bad situations, rightfully so. But as a borderline, we're going to experience this so much more often that it's actually going to hurt our lives because we're doing it for not no reason, but kind of. And for some reason, I already thought I covered this one, so I skipped it. I was like, I feel like this criteria was wrong for some reason that I was reading off. And I have no idea why when I was leaving off the doggo, but I thought I hit it already. I pretty much did. Emotional instability. I've been talking about it this whole episode. I don't need to rant about that again. But that is the criteria you need to meet in order to have BPD. Again, you don't have to have nine. You need to have five out of the nine in order to be diagnosed. So, isn't that like amazing?

[00:21:41]We're like unstable and everyone's going to leave us even though if they're not leaving us and we're going to be paranoid about it and then also my image is unstable. So, obviously I'm probably depending on other people to make me feel stable. And hey, I don't feel good about myself. So, hey, let me change that up. And also, now I'm pissed and I hate everyone and I don't like this life anymore. So, I'm gonna go over here and it's so complicated. And since this develops over time, I genuinely feel like it is so misunderstood and most people don't realize what a borderline is actually struggling with at all times of the day. Because also, when you go to get help for this, they're like, "Hey, guess what?

[00:22:24]Most of you guys are treatment resistant.

[00:22:29]Hello. Hello. Hello. Oh, but I came here to get help. So why are you just telling me that I'm resisting EL? I'm not resisting El. I'm here. I'm here. Cuz that was genuinely one of the first things that I heard that I was treatment resistant and that I'm going to be hard to work with. Why the would you tell someone that when you're going to get help? Okay, cool. And that is like professional people. These are doctors, by the way, that I've talked to. These are direct words coming out of my own doctor's old doctor's mouth. No longer current doctor. Old doctor's mouths were hard to work with. Oh, thank you.

[00:23:03]Thank you. Thanks. Also, when I was experienced this as a teenager, it was just my hormones. It was just my hormones. It was just my hormones. I'm sorry, Mom, but I don't think me doing Xanax at a zoo was me doing be having hormones. I'm sorry, Mom, but the school pulling me out because I was a threat to myself. They thought I was going to kill myself. I don't think that was hormones.

[00:23:24]I don't think that was hormones.

[00:23:26]college. I don't think me throwing a coffee at a teacher was my hormones.

[00:23:30]Okay, teenagers, normal teenagers don't do that. Yes, teenagers are crazy. And if you're a teenager listening, y'all be crazy sometimes because you're living and learning and y'all think you're invincible. I was there. You can't lie to me. But that's just not my hormones, you know, and everyone invalidated for that. So, that's another thing you have to deal with if you're younger. Oh my god, I can't get this hair out of my mouth. So, that's another thing. If you're younger dealing with it, you kind of get invalidated with your hormones and also just like, oh, you need more time to figure that out. Nothing's wrong with you. Cool. Great. Amazing. And then to add on top of it, when you do, we're going back to the doctor thing. You do go to the doctor. Oh, by the way, we have this thing called DBT that usually works and it really does work. It does work. It really did help me. If you take the tools outside, it does work. I won't say for everyone, but they're always like, "Oh, but there's other tools, too, but you have to go and find it because it's going to be personalized to you because there's actually no treatment to BPD." There's medication. Okay. Well, there's no cure. I'm There's treatment.

[00:24:25]There's no cure to BPD. So, they're like, "Oh, there's actually no cure to BPD. So, if you want to try meds, we're going to give you a bipolar medication and a Caesar medication and an anti-depressant and then an anxiety pill. And we're gonna hope one of those works because we haven't done enough research to know if there is something to help you. So, we're just gonna lab rat your ass while you're here. So, honestly, you might get sicker before you get better.

[00:24:54]But, um, isn't that what you Isn't Isn't Don't Don't you want help? Don't you want help? Don't you want to help? Bro, I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. So, it's like as a borderline, you go and get help and they just tell you you're like not worth getting help. Cool. You just told me they never research me because they don't like working with me because I'm complicated. They don't understand that the trauma and the complexities of life can up your brain.

[00:25:17]And um instead of helping the people that have went through some up things, we're just going to put you through some more up things, give you some medical trauma with it.

[00:25:27]Amazing. There are some people who do get this right on the first try.

[00:25:31]Personally, I did not. Thank you, BetterHelp, for sponsoring this podcast.

[00:25:35]I truly would not be where I am today without a little extra help. And if you didn't know by now, I'm extremely passionate about mental health and finding the tools that work for people like me and you. Therapy is the one thing that I can say with 100% confidence has helped me. And I'll be honest, I did not think therapy was going to work for me until I learned not everyone is for everyone. So, I had to find a therapist fit for me. It takes time and that is okay. For me, BetterHelp has made the steps of therapy so much easier. It's completely online and you get matched with a licensed therapist based on your specific needs.

[00:26:10]And if you're anything like me and ever feel like you need a switch in therapist to get your specific needs met, BetterHel makes this easy for you with no judgment. It may take up to 48 hours, but that's a quicker turnaround than I have ever seen outside of online therapy. You can do sessions over the phone, video, or even chats, what'sever most comfortable for you. And my favorite part is is I can do this from the comfort of my own home. Before online therapy, I was constantly missing mental health appointments that were detrimental to my mental health. But now there's no excuses. So, if you've been thinking about starting therapy and don't know where to start, BetterHelp is a great first step. Use my code betterhelp.com/charlraine for 10% off your first month. Again, that's betterhelp.com/tierlra for 10% off your first month. Again, thank you so much to BetterHelp for sponsoring this podcast. And now, let's get back to the episode. Definitely did not get this right on my first try. I remember there was a doctor. I had an extreme eating disorder. Imagine me like 20 lbs lighter than this. Yeah. Not great time, right? No, I was really tiny. Okay. And I went in to go get help for my BPD. And it was like the beginning when I finally was like, "All right, I need to go get help. I need to fix this." And my dietician and my eating disorder therapist told me that I was not allowed to be weighed, especially because they're already monitoring my weight. They will send everything over, but they just didn't want any more triggers in me because I'm already dying of an eating disorder. So then I get there and I told him that 2 minutes later, he asked me to step on a scale. He also asked me to step on a scale that was on a carpet. And then it was 30 lbs heavier that I actually was.

[00:27:54]It was saying that I was 155. I'm not even 155 today. So what? And at that time I was doing better with my eating.

[00:28:04]So thank God I was like this is wrong.

[00:28:06]I'm not going to run with it in my brain. I'm not I'm just not going to run with it. But thank God cuz that was so bad for me. And then they're like okay so we're going to try to figure out if you have BPD. We're not going to ask you any questions. We're not going to pull any of your therapy records. We're not even going to talk to the therapist.

[00:28:21]That's where I was going to um I was going to talk to. What we're going to do is going to put you on this medication that you're not supposed to be on until you're 24. Reminder, I was 21 because I can't was it SSRIs or something? Change your brain wiring before you're 24 and you're not supposed to take them before you're 24. But we're going to give you that. And if you get hungry, that means you have bipolar. But if you don't get hungry, that means you have borderline personality disorder. I kid you the not.

[00:28:47]That's what he said. And I said, "Hey, I don't have hunger cues. I have been not good to my body since I've been 12 years old. I genuinely don't have them." Well, just do your best. And if you get hungry, make sure not to overeat. We don't want you gaining any weight.

[00:29:06]As I'm already like 25 lbs underweight.

[00:29:09]Like, what was this man talking about, bro? So now I'm going there to get help for my BPD and they're justing everything up, bro. They're not even going to help me with my BPD. What the And why would you tell me that I shouldn't be on that medication and then put me on it? What the [ __ ] is happening? What is happening? What is happening? I'm terrified. Thank god I used my disconcernment. I still was able to schedule another appointment right after. My therapist was very helpful with that because honestly, my financials weren't the greatest at the time. So I was being trying to save a little money. Don't do that. Invest in your health. But I eventually did go get help and I somebody did listen to me and my eating disorder therapist learned EBT for me and I went through it. I removed myself out of certain situations and done certain things and yeah, but it's hard to navigate which makes it harder to navigate because no offense and I'm not comparing this at all. I'm just saying for the sense of what I'm saying right now. If I had bipolar, we got options of treatment and like they're laid out on the table and I'm not saying that they work for everyone. I'm not bipolar. I don't know.

[00:30:10]And I don't speak for you guys. And I would hate if someone spoke for me. But when I see people with other disorders, I get jealous. They have treatment and I do not. I've always been jealous. And it does come from jealousy. And I don't mean that meanly, but it's hard for me because where do I go and how do I get help? Because first of all, everyone's saying that I'm too sensitive. No one will work with me. And then they're just trying to up my brain. Who do I trust?

[00:30:33]Do you understand how many trust issues I had then in the system? The only thing that I was betting on to get help because I wasn't allowed to get help before I was 18. I literally went to the hospital for trying to end my life. And the only way that I was allowed out was to get therapy. My parents scheduled the first therapy appointment and then took me out of therapy literally right after.

[00:30:52]I was not allowed to get help growing up. So my help I was betting on that help and they were going to me up. You understand how scary that is? How fast that can push someone away from getting help? It's hard. It is miserable going through that. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I was crying and screaming until 4:00 a.m. every single day calling my aunt telling her I don't want to be here anymore and I don't know what to do and I don't know how to get through. It was terrible and I I didn't know who to go to. And then there wasn't this there Tik Tok did not exist yet. There was no one talking about BPD. There was no one talking about this yet. There was not as many mental health advocates. Like we we weren't here yet. We were not here yet.

[00:31:29]And it just was so mind to me. And it is miserable. And again, because we've experienced like invalidation emotion and we don't really understand our own emotion. Like yes, we have big emotion and we're really sensitive and we have a lot of them. You would think that we understand them, but we don't. I could go on and on and on and on and on about how terrible BPD is, but I don't want to do that to you because I don't want to scare you, but I do want to validate how terrible this is to experience and get it out there that this is literally not a madeup thing. It is a terrible thing that happens to people and it's not fair and it's really hard to live with and it's really confusing and even when you get help it feels like no one's willing to help and even when you get the help that you pay for feels like no one's willing to help and it's just really hard but I want to give you a little bit of hope because you can make it through. The thing is BPD is very treatable and treatment actually works really great. It's just doing the research and seeing it through and advocating for yourself, getting a second opinion and investing into your mental health. I understand it costs a lot of money to get mental health help, but what's the point of living a terrible life? Like, yeah, you have an extra $100 a month, extra $200 a month to spend on whatever you want, but if you're miserable, depressed, and you want to die, what's the point? Invest that in your mental health. The first one doesn't work.

[00:32:56]Okay, now you know. Don't go back to them. You go to the second one. Now you know to not to go back. Things are a learning experience sometimes. It's not always you shouldn't do that. You have to go find somebody else. Even if a doctor was like, "No, no, no. You don't have that. You don't have that." You're allowed to go find another doctor and ask their opinion. And even when you get diagnosed, that is not the full amount of work. And even if you're self-aware, that is not the full amount of work. If I sat here and I was like, "Hey, the sky's been green the whole my whole life. The sky has been green. The sky's been green. And then you look at me and like you're like, "Hey, the sky is not green." And I'm like, "Hey, what color is it?" And you're just like, "Someone's got to tell me what color it is." I'm aware that the color is not green. The sky is not green.

[00:33:37]So what color is it? Tell me what color it is. Why aren't you telling me what color it is? So you have to be self-aware, but to get better because you need to like, "All right, now the sky is not green. It's actually blue."

[00:33:49]But how do we get to that point of how did we learn that it was blue? So yes, you can get diagnosed with BBD, you can be self-aware, you can do all the research, but you still need to go get the tools and resources to make yourself better. So like, yeah, you have fear of abandonment, but what do we do about it?

[00:34:03]Yeah, you're paranoid. What do we do about it? You, it's not an excuse to react whatever you want. Because the thing is like this does hurt other people as well. We're going to be honest, we can hurt other people's feelings. And genuinely, by experiencing this, you're hurting yourself as well.

[00:34:17]So you have to go get help. So after you get diagnosed, you need to go to therapist. You don't like the therapist, try a different one. You don't like therapy, try a different type of therapy. There's so many different types of therapy. There's like talk therapy.

[00:34:29]There's like non-talk therapy. There's like electric do shop electric shock therapy. There's so many therapies. You can try different ones.

[00:34:38]The first one doesn't work, you try again. It is your mental health. Again, if you are miserable, what is the point?

[00:34:43]And I understand you might not know anyone that can help you with your BPD, but that's why we have these really cool things that have been around for a while or cell phones. We're going to Google it. We're going to keep Googling and researching and if you still can't find help, the best BPD doctor in the whole world and you freaking apply for her weight list and you figure it out cuz I want you to live a good life. Okay?

[00:35:04]There are so many treatment things. I'm sure there the the meditation heals some people. So like there is something for everybody. Not everything is for everyone but something is for everyone.

[00:35:16]There is something but not everything but there is something. Another big thing that I want to instill in you because this was something that really I think played in every area of my life.

[00:35:26]My fear of abandonment me up messed me up. Confused living crap out of me. The reason you fear abandonment so bad is because you keep abandoning yourself by not trying to get that help. If you know you are abandoning yourself every time you wait on someone else to do something instead of getting ready for your own day, you're abandoning yourself because you're not keeping yourself wellfed.

[00:35:52]You're not keeping yourself well cleaned. You're not moving your body.

[00:35:54]I'm not telling you to go to the gym like just moving around your body.

[00:35:57]You're supposed to get up out of bed, okay? You're not doing those things. So why the would your brain be happy? It's trying to tell you you are banning yourself. I'm scared of this. I'm scared of that. I'm scared of it. Sometimes it's not the person abandoning you. It's you abandoning yourself over and over again for that person. Yes, that person left you and my earth shatter you. But at the same time, I truly think when I started thinking like that, it helped me so so much. I was tired of feeling that I was scared to be abandoned. I want to trust in myself. I want to do those things. And because I never trusted in myself, my brain doesn't know it's safe to do so because it hasn't ever. So why would it start trusting me now, you know, and all the decisions I'm making because I'm abandoning myself. Why the would I trust me? So I need to flip that. Be there for me. Treat myself as if I'm my own little baby. You know how babies need to put lotion on their body after like they shower and stuff. Some adults forget to do that, but babies need it. Why do we forget? We should be taking care of ourselves like we would a baby. We're still human. We just have to do it to ourselves now. And you should do it. And even if it doesn't feel like you want to, just do it. Okay? It's an extra chore to put on lotion. I don't give a do it. See if it makes you feel a little bit honored. I obviously lotion is not going to heal your BPD. But you know what I'm trying to say. Honor yourself. If you going you want to go on hikes, you want to go on hikes, you're scared of going, you're scared, you're scared, you're scared. So you only wait for other people and it lets you down when you're waiting on them and they don't want to go anymore. They're just not interested in that trail or they're not doing that anymore. Girl, get up and go on that hike and honor yourself. The more you think about it, the more anxious you're going to get, the more you're abandoning yourself. No one's ever going to want to do all the things that you want to do. So sometimes you got to do them and honor yourself and then feel a little happy. And again, this is not going to feel good initially. It's not. You're going to be in your norm, but over time you start to not fear people leaving you as much because you stop debating yourself. You know that you can get up again because you've been getting up by yourself. and and it's not like by yourself, but you've been like getting up for yourself. You know, you can take care of yourself. You've done it before. You can do it again. So, yeah, that's just like a little food for thought point. Another thing you need to realize like the accountability is on you, but it's not 100% on you. Especially if you're still in a really bad spot and it's been like that for a really, really long time.

[00:38:23]Look around. I'm not pointing fingers, but you need to look around. I understand that you might love this person or love these people or love your family or whatever.

[00:38:35]Maybe it's time to love them from afar.

[00:38:36]Cuz again, BPD is complex. You don't just start freaking out for no reason.

[00:38:40]Nobody really does. We're again, we're human beings and we're normal people. We just are a little more sensitive. So if you're freaking out all the time, who is making you feel like that all the time?

[00:38:52]What is making you feel like that all the time? And it might not even be like that person and they're like a bad person. and they're evil for making you upset. It might just be a compatibility issue. They're bringing up old wounds.

[00:39:02]That is just something that they can't stop putting out there and it might be something that you need to get away from. It's just a trigger of yours.

[00:39:10]There's nothing wrong with you. And it's not like, oh, I have a trigger. It's like something that literally like you really can decide that you don't have to be there. Or if someone's invalidating you and telling you, oh, it's I'm used to it. I'm used to it.

[00:39:23]Yeah. cuz you keep getting used to it and that's why you feel the way that you feel. Yeah, that's why this keeps happening. You need to figure it out.

[00:39:32]You need to get out of that environment.

[00:39:33]Okay? If it's your job, if it's your home, if it's whatever, I don't care.

[00:39:38]You find a part-time job. You stop getting your hair done, you stop getting your nails done, you stop eating out, you make sandwiches and stuff, and you save up and get up out of that environment because again, what is the point if your life is miserable? What is the point if you cannot get better?

[00:39:51]Because you are not going to grow in those environments. You're going to keep getting those same triggers. You did all this work, but it's going to undo it every time because it's going to feel pointless because those are the people that did it to you.

[00:40:02]I'm not pointing fingers, but a tiny tiny tiny bit. And again, these people might not even be bad people. It's just something that personally it just doesn't sit right with you. And maybe you can come back to it one day. I don't want you to sit there and wait on someone or do everything for someone that's stupid. You need to live your own life and honor yourself, not them.

[00:40:23]That's the whole point of this. But maybe once you heal some things, you'll be able to come back. BPD is hard and it's nothing is wrong with you. No one taught you how to have emotions. No one taught you how to hold emotions. No one taught you how to get through this. And there's very much not barely a textbook on it. Like there's a lot of textbooks on it, but there's like not a how to how the do we get over this? Okay, I don't like it. And there's a lot of stigma.

[00:40:47]We're overdramatic. We're whatever. I don't really care. We're human. There's so many different personality types in the world. We're just a really misunderstood one. You got a personality, B personality. And again, we got bipolar, schizophrenia, narcissist. We got all the different personality types. Not an issue. Ours is just really confusing. Very highly stigmatized. And it's not because something is wrong with us. It's that we are not understood. So people are going to stigmatize. people are going to talk their it's nothing personal against you.

[00:41:19]It's the uneducatedness of them, the ignorance of them. If they're not willing to educate themselves, do not make yourself sicker in order to prove a point. Do not stoop to their level because they haven't experienced that.

[00:41:30]They're privileged. Whatever. Walk away.

[00:41:32]Who cares? You know, you deserve to feel love. You deserve to have love for yourself. you deserve to have a career, to have a family, to have goals because that's something that border lines also struggle with. I never thought I would ever have a goal in my life. I made it a goal to help people on social media and now I'm doing it. I've stuck with it. I love it. I You guys have helped me more than you will ever know. I would not be here without you guys today. I personally never really struggled with maintaining a job, but I'm genuinely overstay my welcomes at jobs and stay in toxic environments because I am scared of the consequences. I think it speaks on my worth if I leave a job that I'm if I'm not working, if I'm not making money, I'm worth it. Like my sometimes now my accomplishments are tied to my self worth sometimes. We're working on it. Uh but I do have a hard time leaving jobs, so I don't necessarily struggle with that. But not careers. I'm not good with careers. I cry on the internet and I take fries to the table and drop off a strawberry lemonade. That's really all I do. But um I am able to maintain a job. I've been able to maintain a social media, stay consistent with it. I am a gym rat.

[00:42:43]If I had a t-shirt on, I'd show you my muscles. They've been freaking me out lately. I actually genuinely don't like have been pending doom all the time. I still have pending doom. It's not all the time. I don't I know when I have a bad feeling it's going to end. I'm going to have another good day again. Before that was never a thing. Just just all these things have changed for me. And I'm sure that I'm going to get depressed and all jaded and I hate life again cuz life might take a turn. I might change my perspective again. And again, I have BPD. It's black and white. Who knows if I'm in the white and it'll go black again. I don't know. But yeah, I just want you to know you need to keep advocating for yourself. You need to show up for yourself and you need to take yourself out of certain environments in order to be the best version of yourself. And I want that so much for you. And I did it. And it was really, really hard. When me and my ex broke up, I didn't want to leave Pittsburgh when he broke contact. I wanted to break contact back, but I didn't. In the past, I literally could not be alone. I would cry. In the past, I could not maintain anything. Um, I was trying to go to the gym at one point and I literally could not maintain it. My body dysmorphia was raging. At the age of 14, I was already doing substances every day and alcohol and things like that and like every day. And it'd be a different one just because I didn't want to feel like I was in my body. I was serial dating. I was running away. I was leaving school. I was doing all these things. And then in one of my adulthood, I was ruining my relationships. I was doing all that. But I just want you to know if I can get through it, I know that you can definitely. And when you first start doing things, it's not going to feel better. You got to do opposite things. It's really hard to remove yourself out of certain environments.

[00:44:21]Like, of course, when me and my ex broke up, like I obviously that was super hard to let go, but I I had to remove myself from the environment because I was going crazy. I was doing things that I haven't done in a long time to myself because I just I didn't have a grasp. I could not catch a grasp. I could not catch a break. And the environment was bad. Um he literally turned the heat and water off on me to prove a point. He told me I had to have sex with him in order for him to be nice to me again because he didn't have a job and he wasn't working at all and doing anything and I was paying everything and I was getting stressed out and all this stuff. So, he was being mean to me because I was stressed out and all this stuff and I'm not nice enough. So, I have to have sex.

[00:44:59]It was bad. So, obviously it doesn't seem like it sounds that hardly a relationship, but we spent years together. His nieces and nephews called me auntie. They um we literally thought we were going to get married. We discussed children. Like, we did all the gross couple things. It was hard. It was really, really hard to leave, but I did it because I knew that if I didn't change my environment, it was going to get really, really bad. And the last thing that I wanted to do was come back home, but my home environment did change. So, that's going to be different when I did come back home. But I knew I needed to because I also needed to get a grasp on my life and have somebody that actually cares about me and doesn't want me doing those things to myself around me, even though I want to do those things. So, I had to change my environment. It wasn't easy to change my behaviors. Every time that I got mad, I still wanted to freak out and throw things, but I also know that's probably not effective communication, so I need to learn to change that. But I did feel like I still want to throw things. And do I mess up sometimes? Yeah. But I haven't drawn something in a while and not Taylor Frankie Paul joke. I actually love Secret Lives of Mormon Wives Boy.

[00:46:05]Um but yeah, so the feeling doesn't change. You just learn how to manage it and you can get here and I just want you to be realistic. Um but there's always going to be good days and bad days. So even if you do feel that heavy feeling again, you've got to not do that. A good feeling is going to come because life es and flows and it will be okay. It's really really hard to get through again with all these things and I just wanted to validate you but you can get through it. It's highly treatable. If I can get here, you can get here and yeah, and I just wanted to share that with you because it was I'm very passionate about it. But this podcast is getting very very long. I feel like I've talked about BPD so much. I don't even know what I hit anymore. I don't know what I missed.

[00:46:42]But you know, I never stop yapping. So if this is to be continued, it'll be too Oh my god, I I need to stop talking. It will be to be continued if need needed.

[00:46:53]I'm stuttering. What the heck? I need to stop right now. Okay, we're getting off here. Again, I just want you to know that you are not alone whatsoever. If I can do it, you can do it. I love you.

[00:47:03]I'm rooting for you. Advocate for yourself. If the person that's going to show up for you, it's going to be you.

[00:47:09]And it's not supposed to be a scary feeling. It's supposed to be an empowering feeling. And we just need to change that. So, you got to show up for you. It might feel scary right now.

[00:47:16]It'll feel honoring in the future. Feel scared. Lean into it. It'll be okay. I promise you if it worked out for me, it'll work out for you. If you're watching on YouTube, make sure to hit that big thumbs up if you like this video. And don't forget to hit that subscribe button so you're not missing a video every single Friday. Subscribe button. I don't know why I said it like that. Anyway, and if you're listening on podcast, make sure to leave me a fivestar review. what you like about this podcast because it helps me and helps you because it tells me what I should continue making and what I should stop and what you guys like and brings my community closer together. So, and I do read them. So, thank you guys all so so much. It means the freaking world to me. Again, I'm rooting for you. I love you. It's hard, but you can do it. Yeah.

[00:48:02]That's all I got for you guys today. And until next Friday, I love you guys.