gender is a totally arbitrary concept that makes no sense to me.

[00:00:00]Gender is one of those things that's inherently confusing to me because the concept in itself doesn't make any sense to me. I mean, I don't I don't know if this is just because of the way that I grew up or because I'm autistic or a mixture of both, but like I don't know.

[00:00:20]I resonate with being a woman and being a female because for me I really resonate with my biological sex characteristics.

[00:00:34]And so when I think about transgenderism, I think about not resonating with your biological sex characteristics because to me, those are really only those are the only things that really define me as a female. And then to be a woman is to have this societal experience outside of this biological aspect and to have society build you an identity.

[00:01:03]And I resonate with some of it. Some of it I'm like, "Okay, whatever." Like, I don't really understand. Um, there's a lot of wise. There's a lot of why do I have to do this because I have specific sex organ. Like, it doesn't make any sense to me. And so, I'll follow things based on what I like. And like yes, what I like is also dictated what other people like, but the more I learn about myself, the more I feel really outside of that. And so I've always kind of like since the idea of being non-binary or gender fluid or gender non-conforming kind of became an idea in my mind, I've always rejected it as an identity that I can hold because I resonate so strongly with being a biological woman. But the more I think about myself and my role in society and how I interact with society, I realize that because gender is this societal construct and is separate from sex, I am like I don't consider myself to fall within the gender binary that is determined by society. And it's these labels that society is giving to me as how I should think and behave that I just don't resonate with. Like they don't I don't know. Like some of them are cool I guess. Like yes I I love women's wear. I love women's fashion and even the ones that are like misogynistic and patriarchal.

[00:02:46]I don't know. Like sorry I'm a little faded. Um, but like I just like wearing women's clothes. Like when I go out, I like doing makeup and I like dressing up. And I think we could definitely go back to the makeup thing because there's a lot of like insecurity that comes with like Yeah. Like the reason I wear makeup is because I don't necessarily feel secure in my features, especially my skin. I think I feel pretty confident in my face structure and like my features. And I've been working on like embracing them more and more. I really like don't do much.

[00:03:26]Like I just do like what I like, you know? Some days I feel like wearing like a full face and some days I feel like just wearing like for me like I want people to focus on like my eyes when they see me. So I do a lot of mascara, but I really don't do much else but like conceal my skin because I'm really insecure about my acne. But if I didn't have acne, I wouldn't wear makeup. like my skin is literally the only determining factor in this like I wear makeup every day. It It's just because of my skin. So when I think about that and analyze that and I analyze like my own behaviors and how I feel comfortable presenting myself, like I just kind of do whatever. Like I kind of just like go with like what I think is cool and what I feel comfortable in. And I've noticed when I try really hard to fit into this binary, I don't feel comfortable with myself, you know? Like I have been like I've always tried to grow out my hair and I've always wanted to have really long hair that I can like take care of and whatever and like to look really really feminine, but when I actually like have it, I don't feel comfortable. um both like in the physical sensation of my hair, but also I never really like how I look um like daytoday I am always like messing like I don't know like I'm not comfortable with my natural self and I feel more of a need to put on the full performance. I put on the full face. I put on the full outfit every single day. even days where I don't feel like doing that otherwise I don't feel comfortable with myself and my appearance versus like I cut off on my hair and I'm given a haircut where I can fall into not really conforming into anything. I feel the most comfortable with myself and I feel the happiest and I feel the least pressure on myself and my appearance and having to look good to feel good and I just like like I'm just happy to cover up my skin. Like I don't feel like putting on the whole 9 to5. I just like want to exist as myself as like an entity. Like I when I talk about myself, I talk about myself like I'm I'm an entity and I'm just like in this like female body, which I love.

[00:05:48]Like I'm so happy to be a woman and to be a female and to to have like all these amazing the like female biology is incredible and I am so lucky and blessed to have that. But like besides that, like I'm just like a brain type Like I'm I'm I'm a person. like first and foremost I'm a person. Um and I don't know like I I like to break things down into boxes. Um I like to break down what I am, who I am into boxes. And I think for a long time I tried to put being a female as the first thing in my identity, but it's really not. Like I feel like I mean some people might feel that way. I don't know. Like again, like I feel like gender is such like an arbitrary thing. Like it means something different to everyone. So it's hard for me to really say like this is my gender. This is like what it means cuz I truly don't know. Like it's not something I can properly wrap my head around. And I can't get into everybody's head to to know what that means for them. So I'm stuck in this place of like like I don't know. Like I just would I feel really strongly about being a woman and like I don't know what it means to be a woman which is like like I don't know. It's all so arbitrary. Like it's all so arbitrary to me. like it just like okay I I have boobs in a uterus and a vaginal canal and like like I just like I don't know like I just like and I wouldn't choose to live in any other body you know like I would choose to be born as a woman as a female every single time um because I I love the body that I'm in and I love the bi. Like I love the biology. Like it's like being a woman is so amazing and so complex and so horrible and so wonderful. Like I would choose to do it every time even if I don't resonate strongly with this label of girl, woman, she, her. Like I don't know. and everything that comes with that in the societal like nice little package like doesn't super like resonate with me. Like I just like my dream life is like I sew clothes for function and I wear them for function and I like live out in the woods and like you know like I like when when I'm alone like what is my identity when I'm alone you know and I think that's really what I'm asking myself and trying to figure out because in in a societal space I I'm a woman like I I'm a woman and I feel strongly about that because I live within a society. But when I'm alone, what do I choose to do for myself? And I choose to be naked usually. Like I don't even fall into any sort of like conforming to clothes when I'm alone because I don't wear clothes at all. Like I literally like close all of my windows facing the street and I'm home alone and I just walk around bare nude. Whatever underwear feels comfortable feels the most comfortable today is what I will wear. LIKE IF I'M WEARING IT AT ALL.

[00:09:25][screaming] OKAY. But like yeah, like my default state is like nothing. Like there like there my default state is to just like be in my brain and in my mind and like I'm not worried about myself as a body or myself as a like a a gender or like anything. Like it's all arbitrary to me when I'm alone.

[00:09:52]I like I'll choose to wear and no sometimes like I I will choose to wear like boy clothes and I'll be like, "Wow, I look so cool." And then I'll choose to wear girl clothes and I'll be like, "Wow, I look so cool. I feel so good."

[00:10:04]You know? Like sometimes like I just want to like like wear baggy clothes and like be like like I don't know. And sometimes I want to show off how nice my butt is. Like sometimes it just like is what it is. And It's just like how I like and this has gone back for a long time like a long time because I remember I go through phases of being like hyper feminine and then like like nothing [laughter] like I don't want I don't ever feel this desire to like be a man or like to be a boy or like to be anything kind of associated with that it's more like I'm going into this gray space of not quite being anything and I used to like like I want people to not be able to tell if that makes sense.

[00:11:06][laughter] And I I've always done this where I've gone through phases of being super super hyper hyper feminine and then I'll go into a phase of like in fifth grade I would tuck all my hair into a hat and I would like hope that nobody would like recognize that I was a girl and I like puberty didn't really hit me. So like I mean kind of kind of kind of but like like I I was always really small. So I was like hoping like like they're not going to be able to know like I just like kind of exist, you know? Like I'm just like this mystery. Like I just like wanted my like perceived gender to be like a mystery, you know? But also I don't want anybody thinking that I'm a boy.

[00:11:53]Like I feel connected enough to femininity constantly and like womanhood and femalehood constantly that I never desire to be se to be seen as a man but sometimes I desire to be seen as not a woman and just like a person like a being like an entity like I'm just like a you know not like a thing because I'm a consciousness I'm a person I'm not a thing I'm not an object But like I don't know like I just want to be seen as like me and not woman, you know?

[00:12:33]But it's not like all the time. Like sometimes I just like am in my like element and I'm like wow. Like I I don't know. Like I want to be No, I guess cuz I was going to say sometimes I want to be like like like I want to like people don't want me and be like wow she's like so hot. like she's such like a hot woman, but when I think about it, I don't like, yeah, I want people to want me and be like they're so bad, BUT LIKE THERE IT IS. SEE, THERE IT IS. Are we watching me? Like, are we watching me become non-binary in real time?

[00:13:12][laughter] But but like [snorts] Okay. But but no, what when I truly think about it and how I want to be desired, I want somebody to just like be attracted to me and like also like want to know me, but like as my mind and like Yeah. like be attracted to me because I'm hot, but not because I'm a woman.

[00:13:47]Does that make sense? This is like I didn't smoke enough weed for this.

[00:13:52]Like I'm I'm too sober to be like having this conversation with myself.

[00:13:58]But like guys, what's going on? Like what's going on? Look at my hair. Look how choppy it is. It's so bad.

[00:14:12]Sorry.

[00:14:14]Sorry. We all know I don't edit these.

[00:14:16]So, that's that's the best part. That's the best part that I don't edit them.

[00:14:22]But like I want when like whoever is watching this, I want you to just feel like I'm like your friend. Like, see here, here's my thing. Here's my thing.

[00:14:33]Here's my thing. I just made a video on how I hate like parasociality. I don't want people to get like truly attached to me, you know, cuz like or like like actually pretend like we're friends or like like you know me like but I want people to like consume my content from the vibe of me being your friend.

[00:14:58]Like I want that to be the vibe. It's really comfortable. But I also don't want people to feel comfortable enough to like reach out to me online or feel like they know anything about me, you know? Does that make sense?

[00:15:10]But I Okay, I have a lot of complex opinions that are Yeah. Um I wish I could have like like two me. That'd be so great cuz Okay, whatever, guys. Like this is this is like mad awkward. This is mad awkward. But yeah, I don't know. Like I don't like I'm a woman.

[00:15:37]I'm a female. But like I see I hate using the word female because like the the the red pill bros took it and now it's like a bad thing. But like again I'm a biologist. Like when I see female, I think not like the societal like I don't know what they're trying to make female into, but like all the biology that comes behind that like which has meaning.

[00:16:06]I don't know it. Biology is complicated.

[00:16:09]Like when you actually look at the biological aspects of sex, they're in extremely incredibly complicated and they're absolutely fascinating. And so of course there's a spectrum like because to me like gender again like I don't really understand gender but I do understand sex from a biological perspective and I know that there's many things that encompass what that means like what it means to be a specific sex and to behave and to look and to have your hormones and your brain function as a specific sex. There's so much that goes into that and there's so much diversity and there's so much range.

[00:16:53]Like there's so like it's impossible to quantify down and to to shrink into I don't think I even use the word I don't know maybe quantify is not the right word. I didn't like that. So let's let's take that out. Let's let's edit that out in our minds. But you can't just put it into two boxes of male and female because like there there's so much range. There's so much range. And like I myself know that like even though I resonate heavily with this term female because I I have these characteristics, I know that that isn't just one thing.

[00:17:33]That isn't just one little defining trait. It's a myriad of factors that makes me a female. There's so many things like my hormones, like my reproductive system, my exterior genitalia, like all of it goes into that and it's all going to affect like how your brain works and how your body works and your day-to-day functions and like everything.

[00:17:57]It's it's so complex and so there's like so much like nuance and range. There's so much nuance and range just between XX and XY and we don't even consider like in this in this argument like everything outside of that you know because you can have all sorts of mutations and things that happen that result in like a non traditionally like diploid cell. you can get like there.

[00:18:26]It's it's it's it's it's fascinating and like you there's there's no technical real standard for this is exactly how your hormones should work. This is exactly what your uterus should be like. This is exactly what your vagina should look like. Like there's none of that. There's none of that. It's nothing. Like everything is in a range. Everything is like this to this is like healthy and this to this is like whatever like or this and this and this like there's there's no one thing there's no one there I guess no two things like the ideas of male and female as this like strict thing literally does not exist. It just like is not real at all.

[00:19:19]And so to like like it makes it easier to classify. Yeah, it makes it easier because of the way our reproductives work. Um it it's easier to classify, but it's not defining for for everything. And so to try and put myself into this label of I'm a woman, I have to have long hair and look feminine and do this and do that and have all these roles and think a certain way, behave a certain way.

[00:19:49]like it's it doesn't make any sense to me. Like it's it's just like totally arbitrary.

[00:19:53]And to also then to try and define female or woman by like some specific set of traits is like again it's it's arbitrary. Like it doesn't doesn't really matter. It's like just let people like be people and like exist and like I don't like we get into like I don't know like even like like I don't know like the gay straight it's like not is it how much is that really like a thing you know guys like let's embrace universal pansexuality but when you really like come down to it like if you can't really define what a woman is because Like everybody has a different definition like you have a medical definition which again even within the medical definition it's a range of stuff and you know society we consider like specific features and specific actions and specific blah blah blah and these all differ like culture from culture from culture. So like to try and define straight as like something so simple, it's really not so simple. Like nothing is actually that simple. And so we need to like stop worrying about it. Like it's not I don't know like because it's like if I live in one culture where something very specifically something is very specifically like feminine like this is very like like female whatever and it's like straight is like female and male and there's another culture where it's defined completely differently like what are you now like you're just kind of like I I don't know everything is everything is dependent on something else and it's all like not really like that big of a deal guys.

[00:21:47]It's not that big of a deal. I don't know like I but it also leaves me with this question of like what am I? How I don't know like maybe I don't need to put myself into a box and say like define actually know what I am because a lot of people search for who they are. I search for what am I? What am I? How do I define myself based on what I am?

[00:22:14]And being aware that this gender binary that we have created is completely and totally arbitrary and essentially nonsense.

[00:22:29]From a biological and so socioultural perspective, it's hard to kind of place myself into something knowing that it's hard to give myself any sort of label because I'm not a woman by your conventional standards, but I'm also not non-binary. Like I'm not gender fluid. Like it's I just like am myself and I display these specific traits that's going to cause me to partake in specific actions to try and pass on my genes, which is what I'm designed to do essentially.

[00:23:06]And like that just like is what it is.

[00:23:09]Like that is like the basis of biology.

[00:23:12]And like that's just how I understand the world. So, I'm like struggling.

[00:23:16]Like, I just like am I just am I have these like I feel good about myself and the body that I'm in except for my skin and my teeth.

[00:23:30]But, you know, I am defined by society as a woman or a female because I have these specific sex characteristics that I have no particular desire to change and I'm happy with them. But the label has no real meaning for me because these contracts these constructs that you've developed around what a woman is and what a woman should be are totally arbitrary.

[00:23:56]So, in that kind of sense, that's like my my gender identity.

[00:24:02]Yeah. So, that was my vlog. Um, queer people tap in. Um, yeah. Come back for the next one. This thigh guys.