Married and Decentering Men

本站添加: 2026-05-11

[00:00:00]I don't know a single married woman. I don't know any married woman that's going around saying that she's the leader of the desenter men movement.

[00:00:08]What? I never heard it. I never heard leader.

[00:00:23]Greetings and welcome to my channel.

[00:00:25]Guys, I was just recording and there was no sound. Okay, my name is Tena. In case you're new here, my channel focuses on fashion, travel, and beauty, okay? And all the things. Um, and I like to do my makeup in a series I like to call Closet Confessions, where I come and talk about whatever's on my mind, what I've been thinking about, what I've been tagging, what I've been seeing. Um, and I want to come and talk to you all today. Okay, first of all, 50% of y'all are not subscribed.

[00:00:56]Huh? You need to subscribe to the channel, miss thing, so you can get notifications when I upload my videos.

[00:01:02]All right. I try to upload twice a week, sometimes three times a week. Okay? And I also have a membersonly where um I I probably will be uploading this to members only. I actually don't know if this should go public because the girls like to tussle and I re and I really don't like to tussle. I like to speak my peace and move on. Okay, I don't like to dwell on. Here's the thing. I don't I'm not into internet beef and all. I've never had internet beef. I'm not trying to have internet beef, but I feel like the girls might like to tussle on something like this because some of the people are a little extreme. Okay. But I've been getting tagged in videos and conversations asking can married women can women who are married to men, heterosexual women or bisexual women who are married to men um they should not be leading the desenter women movement.

[00:01:59]First of all, I can't stand when people call stuff a movement.

[00:02:02]I cannot stand when people call something a movement. If you want to piss me off, call something a movement.

[00:02:11]I can't stand when people are like, "The soft light black girl luxury movement."

[00:02:17]Baby, log me out. A movement. You will not disrespect my ancestors by calling any and everything a movement. And here's the thing. I think it is a part of the larger feminist movement. Um, and I think these are worthy conversations to to be had. And I think there are s some systemic and institutional changes, but I think so much of the conversation is around social changes, right? Like what can we do individually to make sure that we are protected from men to make sure that we are pushing back, we're holding men in our lives accountable, all of these things, right? And so, um, I think it is crazy to be exclusionary at a time where there are actually not as many women as we think who are trying to desenter men in their lives. Now, some of this I think it people just desenter men, desenter men, desenter men, desenter men, desenter men. You laying with a man, descensive man. You married to a man, you know. Desented men, desent men. You going on a date with a man. Decent man.

[00:03:24]Decent man. You You on hand looking for a man. I get it. I get why it's contradictory. Especially if you are a binary bunny, especially if you believe in a very radical like 4B movement type of thing. uh where you know women are never going to be safe unless all men and boys are eradicated and all this kind of language and all this stuff. I am not there. I want to be honest with you. Um I I'm going to be honest with you. I am not there. I'm not one of those girls. I do not like men and I because I do not like the way that men were socialized. But I don't think it's natural and I don't think it's it's innate and I don't think it's a part of masculinity and I don't think it's a part of biology. And I think that's probably the difference, right? Um it's just like when people were making biological claims to the way black people were acting um and the and things that black people were doing that were not necessarily favorable to society.

[00:04:24]There are people who believed that black people were naturally inferior, that black people were naturally um not very intellectual, all these things. I'm not one of those people. And um I think that's horrible behavior to think the same about men. I don't think that. I think that men were socialized. I think we are part of a system. I think it is a man-made system of patriarchy where men believe that they have an in inherent biological advantage. Um they provide traditional values. It is their job to work and to reign over women. Um to be violent towards women. They are justified in their violence and all these things. And for that reason, I do not support that. Right? Like I don't support I don't support the way that boys are socialized in this country. I and I say in this country even though it exists in most countries but we know that there are some places historically some tribes some villages some communities where this isn't necessarily the case right and this hasn't historically been the case um and I don't want to get too intellectual about the conversation cuz I think some of my value in these conversations is I I do try to keep it like light um I do try to keep it a little bit funny you know what I'm saying but I think it gets weird online where people are like how you know someone tagged me in a video and I don't know this woman from a campaign. I probably like some of her videos. I'm sure I did. Okay. But she was basically saying like a married woman can't teach me anything about decentering a man um when a man is literally at the center of their lives. Right. I can see how someone I could see how somebody thinks that. Right. I that that I could see the the logic. Um I don't I don't agree with it, but I can see how people think that.

[00:06:13]I think also a lot of this conversation online specifically has been happening in Korean communities with the FE 4B movement and in white women's spaces around like a softer desenter men within marriages community. Um, but in my historical, like in my culture as an African-American, as a black woman, there are so many strong black women that I know that I was raised by that really lived before there was this jargon and we were fatigued by the idea desenter, desenter, desenter, right? And I think so much of it is jargon fatigue.

[00:06:53]Um, who lived and died by this idea that a man is not going to be at the center of my life. Meaning I could entertain a man. I could be in a space with a man. I can be doled and do and you know dined by a man. I can get myself up and be adorned. And I could be in the company of a man. But I am not going to think of him when I make decisions about where I want to work, where I want to live, where I want to vacation. I'm not going to say, "Oh, I don't want to go to Costa Rica. I'm not going to the Maldes until I marry." No. Because a man is not at the center of my life decisions. Even when they were in partnerships, my grandmothers who were divorced before I was even born. They were both of them were they were not thinking about what a man thought and they were not calling on their husbands to figure out what their husbands wanted for dinner and what their husbands wanted for lunch. They weren't waiting for their husbands to figure out, oh, what are we going to do with Christmas, right? Or for Christmas, what are we going to do for Easter? What am I going to do in my day-to-day life that involves centering a man? I do agree with the general sentiment that marriage in and of itself is about centering a man. It is historically built on the premise of patriarchy. It is okay. And being a part of this institution requires some level of delusion even from a woman like myself, right? It does. you at the end of the day it requires you to buy into the patriarchy in some way. Okay. So many of us recognize not just within marriage but just in being with a man, being in the company of a man, being in a relationship with a man, being in a partnership with a man that um you know we are accepting some of the conditions of patriarchy. But when we say desenter men, we are not accepting of a whole host of things that we that we are at will to change. Right? And I don't know if people understand that. I think it is a I I don't think it's a binary. I think it's a spectrum. There are some women who are completely opting out of ever being with a man. I support that. In fact, I think more women should choose that strategy. Not because I think, oh, there's more men for me. Yeah, you go opt out. I it's not about pick me, pick me. No, it is actually about reentering the way society thinks about women and the way um desiraability and romance works. And some of this is going to require some very radical examples, right? But I think there are a host of women who are like, I am attracted to men. I want to be proximate to men. I love men. I'm um you know I like to be sexual with men. I enjoy their company from time to time. I don't accept the conditions that are required for me to spend the rest of my life with a man.

[00:09:52]Right? I don't accept the conditions that are required to be in the company for a long time with most men. Now, if I get one man and that man happens to not be that way, then I will accept it. And then there are some women that are like, "Well, if he's halfway not bad, then I'm going to try to make him into something." And see, I don't support that, right? I think it's either a great man or no man, right? And that's where I am on the binary. I'm like, it's either a great man or no man. And even at the point that that man decides he's no longer a great man, for me it's like I don't think it's in your best interest to stay with that man. That's where I am. But I also understand that there are a lot of single women who are single by choice, right? They do not want to be governed by the idea of marriage. They don't want any protections under marriage. Though I disagree with the idea that there are so many protections of marriage, even social capital specifically for black women. I think there is some I think that I listen hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey I think there are some but I don't think it is as many um and it it is as much as it is for white women um and and non-black women also on the spectrum right but like I totally understand the idea of women saying like I I'm not opting into that institution at all um but not just the institution of marriage but also just like I don't I don't want to be in a relationship with men. I respect it.

[00:11:26]I respect it. I think um I was pretty sure when I was a young woman that that was going to be the case for me. And um I think I could have lived either way.

[00:11:36]Honestly, I think I could have lived not in a relationship with a man. And now I see that I can live in a relationship with a man, but he had to be a great man. Um and that's where I am with it.

[00:11:50]But I do understand this idea that these are women, these radical women. Um, and I don't say that in a bad way. I say that in a in a way that, you know, I believe is important, right? In all movements, there needs to be radical people pushing people in very aggressive ways. Um, and but I do think because I'm a realist, I do think that people are going to land somewhere in the middle. I just think that's the facts. Now, some people don't. Now, hey, some people don't believe that, but that's just what I believe. Okay, that's where I am on it. But I think there are some women who are like, when we say decenter men, we mean no man, nowhere, dada da da yada yada yada. Um, we you shouldn't be with the man, you know, whatever. And they believe that most women should do that and that will force some radical change.

[00:12:45]Hey, go off.

[00:12:48]I don't think it's going to happen, but go off. Um, I would have been into it, especially as a younger woman. I definitely would have been into it before I um was with my husband. And I think I definitely if I wasn't if I wasn't married by now, I probably would be in in it, you know. But some of those women, they see themselves as the originators of this space. Um, and I can see that and I believe that they are right. But I don't think that it's fair to say, "Oh, you don't get to be in the space." I don't know a single married woman. I don't know any married woman that's going around saying that she's the leader of the desenter movement.

[00:13:30]What? I never heard it. I never heard leader. Y'all get wild. I think some people are selling courses and you know uh they have thing you know I maybe that's what it is. Maybe it's about coins or something. I don't know what it is. I think some people think that people are making money from it or you know from Tik Tok. I don't make a single dollar from Tik Tok. So I don't know what the pe you know what I mean. But I think there are some people who are they're like oh how can a married person say I don't listen. Okay. I listen listen listen I don't I don't know cuz when I say decenter men I'm just not talking about romantic relationships and so many women are they're talking about just romantic relationships and we should be desentering men in romantic relationships as well but we should be decentering men in the workplace right you why you cozing up to your male boss all the time why are you trying to get down with the bro code why are you always trying to be in the mix when it comes to the basketball game and NFL and all these things so that you can be proximate to men, not just as genuine hobbies that you may have. Right? When I say decent men, I mean boys, too. Okay?

[00:14:44]Some of y'all are going around calling your sons kings and making sure that they don't wash dishes. And you have girl children that are running around cleaning the bathroom, sweeping the living room floor, sweeping the porch, all outside doing all kinds of things, washing dishes every night. Then she got to do her homework. Then she got a little side job. And your son is sitting at home with his feet kicked up.

[00:15:10]Yeah. Desenter men and boys. It's not just about romantic relationships. It's also about making sure that we are pushing back on this idea and holding men accountable and boys accountable for the ways in which these kinds of things are damaging to girls even if they never be in romantic relationship with boys at all. Right. And I think and I don't and maybe that's what some of the women who are talking about the desenter men are also saying I just don't hear that. I never hear that. I always hear the conversation, right? And so people I always hear the conversation from the perspective of like love and romantic relationships. Um there is so much around desentering that's really important, right? And I think it every woman who is invested holds value in this conversation. That's how I personally feel. Get into the house labs, guys. I know y'all are like, "Didn't you just put a foundation on?"

[00:16:12]Yes, but I'm going to a gala tonight, so I need to have extra. Okay, a little extra coverage. Um, I had the Danessa Myrix on. We love the Danessa Myrix. It is absolutely incredible and amazing.

[00:16:26]I stand and I love I think that some women believe and I actually agree with this that when married women desenter men um their marriages end, right? Their marriages end in a divorce. And I think especially if you are you entered the marriage as a traditional woman and you thought that this relationship was really going to work out for you and you thought that it was going to be really valuable for you and all your hopes and dreams were going to come true because you were quite literally living in a Disney movie. And then when that didn't happen, when this man disrespected you, when this man decided that he decent you, you were never the center of his universe, that he always went fishing on his own, that he always had his own friends, that he wasn't thinking about what you were, you know, doing outside of patriarchy, what you were wearing, and how you were going to serve him. He wasn't asking you if you needed your laundry done, unless, you know, he was trying to get a little cookie and a little bit of nookie. You know, he's not thinking about what you're eating every single day. And so I think there are many women who do it takes for them to be married to come to this idea that oh my goodness we are quite literally living in patriarchy and this is a disservice to me. Now there are many women who are hurt under marriage and within a marriage because it is the ultimate form of patriarchy and rather than looking at the man rather than finding their way out because they've been socialized to find deep value in this and nothing else they like turn inward and they have problems with themselves and they try to figure out more and more how they can fit in within the patriarchy rather than like leaving. Right? And so there's that. So I think there's always room for women who are married to have a great awakening and you don't know where you might land. Now me, I was always like this.

[00:18:28]I was always like this. I was literally the head of the men haters club. That's what they called us at TSU.

[00:18:36]That's what they called us. Literally.

[00:18:38]My husband jokingly called us the whack pack cuz he was like, "Well, that's whack. You guys hate men." Literally.

[00:18:45]Literally, that's how we were. Like my husband was like, "Oh my god." When we were boyfriend and girlfriend, he was like, "Why aren't you telling everybody that we're girlfriend and boyfriend?"

[00:18:55]I'm like, "Why would I do that? That is so embarrassing. Are you okay?" Right?

[00:19:00]But I understand there are many women who are not like that, right? like they don't they don't see it until they're in it. Um, and that's why 50% of marriages end in divorce and over 90% of marriages are or 90% of divorces are initiated by women because there is a great, you know, realization and I think that's actually really important to the idea of desentering men. There is this idea that women are being performative, married women are being performative and they're co-opting language around desenter, you know, the desenter movement or desenter men. I I don't I don't think so. I think the language is available to everyone.

[00:19:43]Um I think that some of the women who exist um in the radical space I think that some of the women who exist in the more radical space um what they are saying is very high stakes right it is very high stakes for their safety for their socialization for their economic outcomes they are fighting patriarchy in vocal and honest um and radical ways right like and I think as a black woman. This is not new to me because I've seen women quite literally do this. You know, this was part of bell hooks. This was part of, you know, feminist black movements in the 70s that were actually really popular and gained steam. So, this is not new to me. Um, I'm not surprised by it. I think it has always been around since women have been around, specifically in lesbian communities. I think this has always been around, but I think to automatically assume that it is going to be a part of the mainstream and that women who do not believe this somehow are traitors and they're not women and they're not real feminists. I think there lies the purity test in the problem. Okay. Like girl, what what Okay. I just think it's just a little bit more appropriate to call those women uh women who have divested. They have completely divested from men as a social construct. Okay. From marriage, from relationships. I mean, some of them haven't divested from relationships at all, but um but relationships with men, um interacting with men, like all of those things, that is not the case for me. I interact with my dad. I don't center my dad and the decisions I make and think about when it comes to my parents. Um I I desenter men. I think many women are a part of the divestment movement. And some of them are frankly triggered when you say desenter men because when they say desenter men, they mean, you know, divesting deeply from a system of patriarchy.

[00:22:01]And some of us are talking about ways to live within a patriarchy and seeing it as a reality and figuring out how do we love within a patriarchy and stay safe?

[00:22:12]How do we um occupy spaces with men and boys and not drown and not lose money um and not, you know, get unalived and not face um perpetual violence and harassment? And it's not just about opting out of romantic relationships.

[00:22:30]It's about how do we exist in a world that kind of automatically systemically and institutionally center men. How do we say that in my personal life, I don't want to do that because it doesn't benefit me? It's not that I am divesting. I would like to be in love. I may be divesting from marriage as a long-term experiment in a project. That may not be for me, but like I do love. I do I am a heterosexual. I do like to be with men. I don't like the way they're socialized, right? But I want to figure out ways to exist within it. I think also there are women who are married who are coming to this realization as married women.

[00:23:12]I know I know y'all are shocked, but like okay, they are that's just the that's just the hard facts. What do you want them to do, girl? Not be I I don't know. I just think the outcomes are completely different.

[00:23:25]and um you know and so you're going to have different results. Results may vary period. I also think it's really important for married women to talk to other married women um so that they can have a great awakening just around like some of this language, how to choose yourself, you know, how to not be a doormat, right? And I know that that's very low stakes, but I think for women who are doormats and for women who have not been radicalized in any way, it doesn't feel very high stakes, but I understand for women who are engaged in this conversation from a very high stakes perspective, right? Like I understand why some of these conversations feel low stakes and people don't have skin in the game while they are benefiting from the institution of marriage. I get it. I don't agree with it completely, but I understand it.

[00:24:19]Like, I get it, you know, but I like the company of a man. I'm not going to hold you. Listen, here's the thing. I like the company of a nice smelling, good looking, well put together, wellspoken, wellinformed great man. Okay, I don't mind it. Now, I had serious doubts on whether that was a long-term strategy cuz a lot of times when they open their mouth, nothing but foolery, patriarchy, and misogyny comes out. And I was like, "Oo, I don't know if this is a long-term strategy. I don't know if this is for me. Are the girls sitting there silent? Are the girls shrinking themselves? Do the girls not have thoughts when they're around these men? Like, how are they existing in these marriages?" is and I just didn't really get it. And now I know that yes, that was how they many of them were existing right. But I I thank God for my ancestors. I thank God for my grandmothers. I thank God for the women before me, the strong women before me who really told me that I could live without a man. No matter how deeply in love I was, no matter how invested I was, that I should always actively cho choose myself. And I think that has allowed me to have faith in God. Um, it has allowed me to proceed. It has allowed me to enjoy, you know, every single day that is enjoyable in a way that is liberatory for me, in a way that is joyful for me, in a way that I, you know, in a way that I like. And I don't you know and I don't have to explain that to anyone but I've seen many of women not a majority okay but I have seen many of women who have stayed true to themselves stay true to their ideas stayed true to who they are and I fundamentally believe that if something happens in that marriage and in that relationship I fully believe that many of those women will walk away now there are some women I know who won't right like they are invested in the patriarchy. They are the patriarchy.

[00:26:34]They are the misogyny. There are some women I know, they are the misogyny themselves. Okay? They are holding you accountable and other women accountable.

[00:26:43]The way these women are talking about Megan the Stallion every single day I saw a woman say, "I've been married for 15 years and Megan the Stallion isn't marriage material, girl." And that might be a compliment cuz what are you talking about? Cuz what is marriage material, girl? What is marriage material, dumb?

[00:27:03]What are you trying to say? What is marriage material? Sticking it out, dealing with things, dealing with trifling men and trifling behavior.

[00:27:11]Like, y'all really sound silly. And I understand why the shade is being thrown because girl, that is such silly silly silly talk. It's absolutely crazy language and in conversation. I just I I don't I don't know. I don't support it.

[00:27:27]So, that's my two cent, guys. I need to put on this eyeliner and things. Um, I kind of want a little bit of blush. Or would that be doing the most cuz my eyes are doing a lot. Here's the thing. I think people want to figure out who's in or out. You know, it's a purity test and everybody's not going to pass. But just because some person, random person on the internet says that, oh, you know, you're married, you're not in, doesn't mean you're not in. girl, who who are you? You know what I mean? Like anybody can catch a word and you don't know where they're going to catch a word from, you know, and but some people don't have that approach. They think it's a limited conversation. There needs to be a a very specific monopoly, you know. I do think that m I do think that single women are going to learn best from other single women. Um, I do think that single women who want to be married should be listening to married women as well as single women, but also married women just on some of the things that they've been socialized to believe around marriage that may not necessarily be true, right? If they want to hear some things about marriage and not just roses and berries, I think they need to listen to married women who are talking about these things, not just from roses and berries, right? But I think that a lot of women online, regardless of their marital status, have a voice in talking about desenter men because it's not just about romantic relationships, right? I do think that a lot of this starts with romantic relationships. And a lot of this start with some of y'all daddies, baby. That's the conversation I really want to have, but I know I'm going to get ran off the internet. But I'm like, the number of black women who romanticized their fathers who were quite literally trash, cheated on their mama, beat on their mama, came around every other month, gave them Jordans, you know, and they romant like the number of black women, not just black women. I'm just saying black women because I those are the majority of women I know. But I know this happens in other spaces in other cultures.

[00:29:39]The number of women who are like I I can't find a man like my daddy. Now I have a I have some friends who have incredible fathers and um their father the standard for their fathers is so high that I completely understand. But then there are other girls baby there are other girls who they just want to be a daddy's girl. so bad that they have made up in their minds that their dad was great to them even though their dad was a raging misogynist to their mother.

[00:30:10]Like how can you stand firm? Listen, people do that about their brothers.

[00:30:16]People do that about their brothers.

[00:30:17]They mad at the baby mama over something the brother did. Your brother a trash can.

[00:30:23]Decent to men. Your brother. Okay. Why you said sticking up for him online? You going after baby mama? you shouting doing all this desenter him too. You know what I mean? And I just feel like there's not a lot of conversation around romantic relationships around desentering men and there frankly needs to be because like lesbians need need to desenter men. Hello.

[00:30:47]Right. Like the number of lesbians that sign on to patriarchy and misogyny are literally gaykeeping patriarch and misogyny. Like we really need to blow this conversation open. Let's have a conversation. We want to have a conversation. It's not just limited to women who are in relationship with men.

[00:31:09]But I understand that when you exist in this radical perspective, being married to a man, like that's like the most child. Wow. You really sold out the women folk when it in radical ways, you know. But honey, those are the same women that will shade you if you don't if you got kids and you not married, you know. But then don't get me started on that, honey. Listen, if you made it this far, thank you so much. Please like, please comment, please subscribe, hit the bell notification so that you never miss an upload from me. And I'll see y'all in the next video. Bye.