great tweets, no politics

Added: 2026-06-07

[00:00:00]Me trying to keep the combo going after she said lol. So, uh what groceries you been into recently? Uh I'm liking the produce section, you know. Um middle names are so funny. Like okay, what if we gave this baby a second worst name that's a little bit of a secret. And it kind of has to be Marie. I mean like what if we did What if we What if we do that just for fun though? What if we were a little bit crazy? Discord really the place where you can make your name literally anything and people will call you that.

[00:00:30]Your name could be door handle and people will hop in VC talk about Yo, door handle, you going to get on the game? Hey dude, a screen name goes crazy. Do beavers even know what they're doing or do when they just see water flowing down a river and think, "Huh, absolutely not. Someone's got to put a stop to that. That's ridiculous." Generational shot. This is my first time ever seeing a live-action impact frame and yeah, it's a good one, dude. That's a hairy warden. Hell yeah, son. Not Not one of my favorite movies, but it is a it is a fun one. They should give all the college debt to one guy.

[00:01:06]Everyone else clear, one guy two trillion in the hole. But no loophole for this guy. His punishment should be real and meaningful. Yeah, I mean every 3 months someone on here reinvents Christianity. This is just what happened. He died for your college debt.

[00:01:19]I mean that's it's just the same thing.

[00:01:21]It's repeats over and over. Fun game.

[00:01:24]When someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them with their surname and say, "Like the murderer?" What do you mean? It's actually incredible how much kids just accept arbitrary rules. Like our kid gets five candies on movie night because he's 5 years old. And he's just like, "I wish I could have more." And you're like, "Yeah." And then he just moves on.

[00:01:47]Incredible. He just He doesn't question why that rule is in place. This is awesome. Technology should have stopped right there. Dude, you can't even be performative correctly. Where are you going to plug in your USB-C earphones?

[00:02:01]What are you Where are you going to do that, huh? Tell me. Nintendo dead ass just emailed me to tell me to stop buying games. I mean, why not play these games you already own? You have them all right there. The options available. Why not give them a try? In 2000, professional poker player Victoria Coren was seeing a therapist to help overcome her fear of flying. Her therapist then died in a plane crash. So, now she only chooses to travel by rail or by boat.

[00:02:29]That's insane because I know he thought of her when that plane was going down.

[00:02:34]As it was in smolders and smithereens, he said, "Oh, shit." Yeah, that's going to be that that's that's a step back in the progress of the of the, you know, the healing here.

[00:02:45]Oh, man. Friendship. For cats, being licked is submissive behavior. And for rabbits, licking is a submissive behavior. So, they both think they're doming. Isn't crazy? They In their own worlds, they think they're the boss. My grandma just asked me if I had a boyfriend and I was like, "No." And she was like, "Well, I went to a random funeral because I was bored and that's how I met your grandfather." Apparently, the random funeral was my grandpa's dad's funeral. My grandma went to a funeral and picked up the dead guy's son. Yeah, I aspire to be her. That's how That's a level of game I couldn't even imagine. I couldn't conceive that.

[00:03:21]It finally happened. The flight attendant asked, "Is there a doctor on this flight?" And I leapt up and said, "Yes." I did a tracheotomy at 30,000 ft with a razor blade and a ballpoint pen.

[00:03:32]He didn't make it, but the thrill was undeniable. I'm thinking of going to doctor school now. Maybe I should get that medical license. This was really fun. I have people ask me all the time how old I am. I'm 69 years old and still enjoying the furry lifestyle. I saw a post this week where a furry said he was What the [ __ ] I saw a post this week where furry said he was turning 20 this week and he was not ready to be old. I see. Old is not an age. You're as young as you act and feel. I see. Well, that's some words of wisdom, man, but you said it in a confusing way. So, I do think you might be a little old. I think someone should have tried domesticating bears 10,000 years ago. We really missed the mark with that. We could be cuddled up with a bear right now, but whatever.

[00:04:17]Whatever, [snorts] man. I don't even care.

[00:04:20]>> [laughter] >> My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973.

[00:04:27]I didn't try going back to it for 30 years, but the moment he finally did and he stepped in, someone yelled, "Get the hell out of here, Dennis!" And that's probably my favorite story ever. You're telling me he remembered that three decades go by? Had his name on the wall with a big X on it. His picture had darts in it. You know, they they were waiting for him cuz they knew eventually someday he'd try it. Someday he'd think that luck was on his side. No, no. Have y'all ever smoked weed with your parents? Yes. My dad let me hit his blunt the day Michael Jackson died and I got so fried I thought it was my fault.

[00:05:01]I've smoked weed with my mom.

[00:05:03]I'm someone who can't handle my weed and she can handle hers. So, I knocked out and she made spaghetti. That's what ended up happening.

[00:05:11]>> [laughter] >> My grandma and her siblings got together to read their parents' letters from the war thinking it would be beautiful and wholesome, but it turns out those letters were so filthy, raunchy, and horny that several of them had to leave the room. Oh, hell yeah, they were.

[00:05:26]Meaning tell me they were separated?

[00:05:27]They wanted each other more than anything else and a war separated them?

[00:05:31]They probably [ __ ] each other raw when they saw each You know what I mean? Till till the paint was coming off the wall.

[00:05:36]Whoever designed this needs to be fired immediately. No, give him a raise.

[00:05:41]Minimalism must die. I'm indifferent towards it. I I think it can be fun. I think me personally, I think this logo could have been made a little bit better if they worked the bars on the Spotify logo, the sound wave, into the disco ball. I think it just being a image over the disco ball is making it look a little wonky. I think that was the the change they needed to do. "Who is confused by the concept of masturbation and there's no word for it in his language?" Oh, within the African Congo basin, the Aka and is that Yandu Gandu? Sorry, ethnic groups all lack a word for masturbation in their languages and are confused by the concept of masturbation. Gandu guy trying not to laugh. Is that Gandu? I don't know how to pronounce it. I'm so sorry.

[00:06:27]>> [laughter] >> "No, dude. I've literally never heard of jerking off before. You sound crazy.

[00:06:31]You're going to have to show me what you're talking about, dude."

[00:06:33]>> [laughter] >> Friends start losing their [ __ ] and have to walk away. Dude, I promise we've never seen it. We don't know what that is. Dude, you want to Dude, what do you say you have to what? Beat your [ __ ] Why do you have to beat it? You already pooped it out. What are you talking about? Boy watches TV for the first time in an appliance store window in 1948.

[00:06:51]Dude, I can't believe they had kids wearing a three-piece tailored suits on a Tuesday afternoon like it's casual wear. What the [ __ ] was going on? What were you getting dressed up for, man?

[00:07:02]The coal mines? What the [ __ ] Spotify has changed its app logo. Is this the end of the minimalist era or what's going on? No, it's actually the opposite because people demanded it back. I don't think people realize that they've kind of forced the minimalism era onto themselves by rejecting changes like this. You know what I mean? Like you kind of you kind of pigeonhole yourself. Not saying that the disco ball is the high art or anything for the logo, but I am saying by like the the loud backlash and rejection kind of forces them back into the minimalism hole, I feel like. I just wanted to show my boyfriend all the eggs we have. Should I block him? Look, we have all these eggs.

[00:07:44]Did you lay all of those? Good girl.

[00:07:48]Who's my dirty little hen?

[00:07:52]>> [laughter] >> My mom recently discovered Facebook Marketplace and today I get this text from my dad. Your mother has put my life in danger over a toaster she bought on Facebook. I'm meeting a man named Rick behind Home Depot. If I go missing, start there. Ah, you're going to be fine, pops. He doesn't want to kill you.

[00:08:13]He just wants to get rid of this toaster. You want to give him money for the toaster. It's going to be a simple transaction. You got this, old man. If you were kidnapped, how much can your circle of friends raise for your ransom?

[00:08:24]Uh, awareness. They can raise awareness and even then I'm not sure they'd raise very much. My roommate meal PREPPED HIS CEREAL.

[00:08:32]>> [laughter] >> HE'S JUST TELLING HIMSELF, FOOD IS NOT JOYOUS, food is fuel. Food is not joyous, food is fuel. Just making sure everything's ready for himself. Do you ever get obsessed with just one part of a song like one teeny tiny little bar?

[00:08:48]But like that part that you need a whole song to be just that part? No? Just me?

[00:08:53]I'm that's not a unique experience, I'm sure. I mean, that one tiny little bar that's like, you know, Macarena. You know, everyone's waiting for it to say Macarena. My son, when I tell him to smile versus when I yell out poop. Well, yeah, there's one way to get a genuine smile out of someone. It's to say a funny word and there you go. That's the most genuine smile he could give. He went from a little Tim Robinson to a natural smile. Isn't that crazy? Look at that. Courage would yell his eyeballs out and come back with this. Well, what is he what is he yelling at? Well, it depends on what Courage was yelling at.

[00:09:25]The answer is yeah, if it was something scary, the answer's yes, but otherwise, I don't know what you're talking about.

[00:09:30]This is what a decade of sniffing perfume does to you. I thought this was the Deep and Homelander. I'm not going to lie. I thought that's what was going on here. Anime characters really be like, "I did 20,000 squats a day for 3 years, and now the clap of my ass cheek could propel me forward through time."

[00:09:46][laughter] YEAH, DUDE.

[00:09:49]THAT'S THE NEW ANIME Chrono Cheeks. I don't know if you've seen it or not.

[00:09:52]Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery. Bugs turns to Elmer and says, "Is this whiskey?" And Elmer says, "Yeah, but not as whiskey as robbing a bank."

[00:10:04]>> [laughter] >> It's a good dad joke. I just got an email out of the blue from an artist I commissioned in 2020 who disappeared without delivering anything. And they [ __ ] said they went to jail and just got out and then asked if I still wanted the art. That dude was sitting in their jail cell thinking about the commission they didn't finish. They're They're They're chained up. They're prevented from finishing their goal. They had one mission, to get you your art piece. With no rain for several months in many areas of Thailand and a record-breaking heat wave, a rain-making ceremony was held.

[00:10:37]Traditionally, a real cat would be used, but it seems the locals decided on Doraemon instead. A modern twist against animal cruelty. I want everyone to know that this worked so well that we went from [music] 40 Celsius hell to hard-ass rain and thunderstorm that took out the power of our village. Our house is starting to flood and tweeting this with one bar of 3G. Doraemon is a water god and I refuse to take any criticism on that. No feedback necessary. It's funny how people forget this is a site meant for quick word bites and not large essays. That's an oversimplification.

[00:11:13]Yeah, dude. It's a tweet. You wanted Want to know where you go for for large essays? Uh not Twitter. That's That's where. News sites maybe for large for large bit you know, bits of information.

[00:11:26]This was meant to be doom scroll with quick bites, quick hits for your dopamine. That was it. Just took my ADHD meds for the first time. I'll tell you how it's going in about an hour or so.

[00:11:36]Oh, the voices and music ARE GONE. WHAT WHAT'S HAPPENING [screaming] TO ME?

[00:11:42]YEAH. YEAH, I GET IT. THAT EXECUTIVE dysfunction melts away like butter.

[00:11:46]YouTubers be like, "Wake up at 4:00 a.m.

[00:11:48]and run. That's alpha." No, it's not.

[00:11:52]Look at apex predators. They're all lazy. Bears hibernate. Lions sleep all day. You know who wakes up at 4:00 a.m.

[00:11:59]and runs? The squirrels. Is that what you are? Yeah, you look like a squirrel the way you're trying to get a nut.

[00:12:05]>> [laughter] >> We'll never come up with a slur for theater people because anyone who willingly goes into $200,000 of student debt to learn how to crawl around the floor and licking themselves like a cat, they're incapable of feeling shame.

[00:12:20]There's no word you can use that I mean like there's nothing we can say to them.

[00:12:24]Timothy Chalamet was the first person to appear on top of the sphere in Las Vegas.

[00:12:29]Dude, I'm pretty sure some construction workers got up there first. I don't like that you're giving old Timmy all the credit here. Tragic. That person you can't stand for absolutely no reason at all becomes the core member in a friend group.

[00:12:44]That's Oh, you hate to see it, dude.

[00:12:47]Oh, no. I never understood why panties have that little bow on the front. Well, long ago, there was no elastic band and underwear was tied with a bow. Over time, the way it was made evolved and the bow became a decorative element. Ah, I see the historical answer. What's the radical answer? To evangelize women, which is one of men's fetishes. Ah, I see. Well, what's the hopeful answer?

[00:13:11]Because [ __ ] is a gift. Aw.

[00:13:15]THAT'S WOW.

[00:13:17]>> [laughter] >> CHOOSE CHOOSE WHICH ONE THAT FITS YOUR MILEAGE, I guess. Harper Lee, this is the worst writer's block I've ever had.

[00:13:24]Mockingbird, "This is the worst writer's block I've ever had."

[00:13:28]Harper Lee, >> You know what? I think I got an idea. My husband spent four days with nine of his oldest friends. I asked him if there was any news about their marriages, kids, families, jobs, etc. And he said no. I asked what they talked about and he said they mostly tried to name every state capital and then every African country.

[00:13:48]They were just challenging each other.

[00:13:49]That's what it all That's what hanging out with your guy friends is. Challenge mode. I wish girls who want boob jobs and girls who want boob reductions could just like Venmo each other some titty.

[00:13:59]Wouldn't that be nice if there was just like a a quick, you know, and no invasiveness in the transaction. Just here you go, you know, thank you for getting that off my plate kind of thing.

[00:14:08]That'd be nice. Still fascinated by the idea that someone, somewhere, may have never eaten Spam in the manner Oh wait, may have ever eaten Spam in the manner depicted on the can. The Spam sandwich with the big block cut out like that, like a like a Wendy's hamburger. Who's eating it like that? Who's done this? I hate certain stops on the bus. What do you mean you're getting off here, bro?

[00:14:29]Are you in the head? Why would you Why would you do that? What What do you What's the play? There's nothing out there for you. You're going to get You're going TO GET EATEN ALIVE OUT THERE. JAY-Z wore a Patek Philippe Grandmaster Chime at the Met Gala worth $6.5 million.

[00:14:43]I really want to know what makes a watch this expensive. So, it's actually a number of things. It's probably the precious metals involved, the highly skilled labor, the man hours working on details that you wouldn't really know like notice or appreciate unless you're really into watches. I I'm not, so I wouldn't either. It's the the complications that it you know, require, again, very skilled people and very intricate pieces, and the demand. The Pateks are are expensive for a reason. I mean, uh they're very very very rare.

[00:15:15]They're basically flawless. They're hand carved. It's basically a a of art you're putting on your wrist. It's a whole thing. Stanford student Brian HP Cheong, I hope I said that right, created Rizz GPT, a monocle you wear that displays ChatGPT output to tell you what to say in case you get tongue tied on a date.

[00:15:34]He calls it cause, or charisma as a service. Your date: So, what do you like to do for fun? You, after our 6-second delay: Uh, the server is busy, please try again later.

[00:15:47]Uh, you like Do you want me? Why is wearing a hat as someone who doesn't usually wear hats so difficult and humiliating?

[00:15:55]Feels like everyone can tell I don't know what I'm doing, and they're right.

[00:15:58]I don't know. I should have stuck to my not-hat-wearing self, but I wanted to branch out. And now, I got hat hair. So, who what what what what what what what what what do I do?

[00:16:06]>> [laughter]