Husband Says Taking Care Of Our Baby All Day Isn't REAL Work /Relationships

追加: 2026-05-05

[00:00:00]Good day there guys, Marky here and welcome back to another episode of r/ relationship advice. I do hope you enjoy today's bloody good content. And if you do, don't forget to like the video, subscribe if you haven't already, hit the bell notification so you don't miss an upload. And with that said, I'd love you to sit back, relax, chuck a prawn to the barbie. Let's get right into it.

[00:00:20]Cheers. My husband and I disagree. Is counting hours with a baby unfair?

[00:00:27]So, I should note we're in the conflict zone. So, our sleep has constantly been disrupted by sirens. I'm normally with the baby from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.

[00:00:36]Even though my husband is home, he's in the other room working remotely all day.

[00:00:40]Although, it's a pretty easy job and he watches a lot of YouTube videos while working. Today, he asked if he could play a video game for a few hours right at 400 p.m. I said sure and offered no resistance. I changed all of her diapers, played with her, sang songs, fed her, etc., and let him play the game with zero complaints until 9:00 p.m. He was then with her for an hour and he allowed me to work on my current alien creature painting for that hour, but he complained a few times and then started asking me to be with her again and I said, "I let you play a game for 5 hours."

[00:01:18]He then put her to sleep and went back to gaming and watching videos. She woke up at around 11:30 and he gave her a bottle, but she wouldn't go back to sleep.

[00:01:28]After 10 minutes, he blamed me for waking up and started yelling at me and said, "You be with her then." He yelled at me for a few minutes while the baby cried, which isn't good at all, of course. I've now been with her for a half an hour trying to get her to sleep.

[00:01:44]The baby is 10 months old, so still needs constant attention while awake. I think of it like hours with her while my husband is at work. like I'm at work by being with her, giving her a lot of attention. And I can't work on any of my art at all. I usually take naps when she does as well. And I'm starting a remote part-time job as well, and I don't get any free time anymore, I guess. He said counting hours is unfair because he works hard while I play with a baby all day. I also do 90% of cooking and cleaning. In the comments, Jamacam says, "I'm sorry. You married a lazy, disengaged man who would prefer if you did all the baby care so that he could play video games and have his own free time. Seriously, consider the stress that that puts on you before having a second child with him. I hope you have other people in your life that are supportive." In addition to what you'll be modeling for your daughter in the future, none of this is okay. While Luigi's tennis ball says counting hours with a baby is fair, it's work and you can't do whatever you like while you're her sole caregiver. He needs to spend more time with her. Like, he can't have it both ways. Either it's just playing with the baby, in which case he can do it all evening while you go out and do whatever, or it's work, in which case you should be sharing it 50/50 outside of work hours. This jumped out at me, too. OP, why is it easy playing with the baby when you're doing it for 10 hours, but impossible, unreasonable labor when he does it for 1 hour? Time to spend half the day out of the house alone on weekends so that he can get more comfortable caring for his baby. If he finds it challenging, that's a sure sign he needs more practice. As everyone here is pointing out, this is a [ __ ] double standard that he's trying to set up here because he genuinely wants an easy life. It seems like he loves the idea of having a family and raising children, but not the actual hard parts of it because those hard parts get in the way of his gaming. And uh he'll be damned if even an hour of his gaming is interrupted by his stupid child that he has to raise because it's hard work when he does it, but it's it's a holiday when she does it. That makes so much sense.

[00:04:03]You guys are also trying to raise a child and live a normal life while in a conflict zone. You're constantly being disrupted by sirens. That's just adding to the pressure. And he's just like, you know, we might die at any moment, but I don't want to raise this child because that's hard. So, you should do it. I don't know how you haven't had a nervous breakdown with all of this expectation and uncertainty around you right now.

[00:04:28]That that sounds terrifying.

[00:04:32]And now onto the update. So, the situation has completely exploded in every way since my first post. My husband and I had a disagreement about who should take care of the baby during nonwork hours. After reading the comments from my last post, I resolved to bring it up in couples therapy and inform my husband I felt taken for granted and like I don't get enough free time to work on my music and art projects.

[00:04:58]Well, that didn't happen. And I'll tell you why. First off, our counseling got cancelled for 3 weeks straight due to local holidays. We had our birthdays, but due to the war/h holidays, everything was closed for a week before.

[00:05:14]And since then, he was home with me 24/7. I never felt like I had alone time to make him something handmade. I usually draw something and make a birthday card. I just didn't cuz I really don't like working on that stuff with someone else in the room. I did use my only can of tomatillos to make him a really special dinner. We can't get them here. My mom brought it in her suitcase when she visited and cake, but that was it. So, he let it pass, but he mentioned he was unhappy with his birthday this year. And I just said sorry. Literally, every store was closed the entire week before our birthdays, so I couldn't even go out and get him something small. To cope with not having enough free time, I started staying up until 3:00 a.m. to 5:00 a.m. because the baby is asleep. I still wake up with the baby at around 10:00 a.m., but we usually take a long nap from noon until 2:00 p.m. He resents this heavily, by the way, and complains that I sleep all day instead of cleaning enough. Well, after 3 weeks, we finally had our couple's counseling session, and I knew there was a lot of resentment building up, and it was badly needed, but I was not at all prepared for what happened. First, he complained about the birthday thing, which was a valid enough complaint, but I had my excuses ready. I still want to make him a surprise late birthday card with our baby, use her footprint and stuff while he's at work, but after what happened next, I'm not so sure what to do anymore. and he painted himself as better in this situation because he did buy me one small thoughtful gift. So, what happened next was my husband told our therapist that last September he had discovered that I was cheating on him with an American and wanted to leave him for this other man with our baby. This caught me completely off guard and I was basically shocked into silence. The reality is he read my private WhatsApp messages with my American friend who I had never had a romantic interest in. He knew that and could see it from the messages. That friend helped me research if I could leave him because of emotional abuse. I wouldn't have stayed with him or any other man if I left. My husband also kept saying that I threatened to leave him, which I didn't. He read my private messages. The conversation happened weeks before and ended with me deciding not to try to leave. He talked to me right after we left the messages and we had a somber conversation about whether or not I truly wanted to leave and what that would actually look like. He would try to follow me to America but live separately. So all of this was basically a big can of worms we already discussed at length and sealed shut. This was something that I didn't want to discuss with the therapist at all because he reports our session notes to the local equivalent of CPS and I'm terrified of losing custody of our baby. So, I felt I couldn't even respond without mentioning abuse, which I avoid like the plague.

[00:08:11]After the session ended, we didn't talk.

[00:08:14]My husband left with the baby and said that it was because I needed more alone time, which was fine by me. I know he fully fabricated that I was cheating on him and he made the allegation to try to get the therapist firmly on his side.

[00:08:28]The purpose was to preemptively paint himself as the victim of a cheating wife that wants to take his baby away from him at no fault of his own. At least in that moment. I don't know how much he planned to say this. He was willing to say anything and everything to get the therapist on his side. Our therapist seemed shocked and confused as well. and the session was about to end, so we couldn't really talk about it, but he did suggest that we have an emergency session today or tomorrow if possible. I could use some comments on how to approach that session because honestly, I feel so dumbfounded and confused, and I'm really anxious. We haven't talked about it at all, but my husband has become very passive aggressive and quiet.

[00:09:12]In the comments, Copper Bear says, "At the emergency session, tell him that he had his chance to speak the other day and now it's your turn. And absolutely tell your therapist about the abuse.

[00:09:25]Tell him that this is why you contemplated leaving. Tell him you aren't cheating now or ever. Stand up for yourself and your child." And OP says, "True. Exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you." OP, is it possible to speak with a therapist alone or must your husband be with you? OP replies, I already messaged him and asked, "We've done it before, so I assume so." Well, you can show your therapist the messages that convinced husband that you were cheating on him. De's mixed nuts says, "If you can't speak to your couple's therapist about his abuse, then there's no point in going. For one, I honestly doubt emotional abuse to exclusively you would fall under necessary reporting to CBS. But if it did, it's really hard for me to see them removing your child based on that. That sounds more like what someone abusive would say to scare you into staying quiet and complicit with their abuse. Secondly, it's not recommended to go to therapy with abusers because unless they're willing to be honest about their behavior, they'll start trying to weaponize therapy/ therapist against you. You're unfortunately already experiencing that.

[00:10:36]The best thing you can do in therapy, be honest. Put all of your cards on the table, unload your burdens, and be truthful. Your husband's already escalating, planning how to corner you.

[00:10:48]He's made it so your only options are to cower to his games, and lose your potential ally in the therapist, therefore making attending useless or you jeopardize having custody of your child. By the way, if anything, if you're totally honest the whole time, that's the best chance of having him removed from you and your child or having supervised safe visitation if anything were to actually happen, which I doubt. He's playing mind games with you, and I bet he's escalating because he knows that you are very close to finding a way to escape him or to escape his narrative. Don't play his games. Be completely honest. He doesn't want that because it will allow people to help you and hear you and validate you. But that's exactly why you should. I'm recovering too says I work in the domestic violence field. If I had a dollar for every woman who said that he was a great father while standing in front of me with a black eye, I would be independently wealthy. He is not a great father. A great father wouldn't try to control his child's mother and lie about her to win the therapist over. even that he's trying to control. The sooner you see all of this and stop making excuses for his behavior, the sooner that you can get on to this separation and find your own happiness. I think I sound a little harsh here, and I'm not trying to. I just want you to understand that all of this is not okay. You deserve more in life than what he's giving you.

[00:12:15]By the way, I don't know where you live, but I'm a mandated reporter. Most mandated reporters would not report for couples having these issues. If you went in and said that you were in fear for your life or your child's life because he was physically abusing you and you had marks, yes, but not for what you're explaining. Useless info Goldmine says, "Sweetheart, if there is emotional abuse in your relationship, you shouldn't be in couples counseling. The hotline and other abuse organizations are very clear about this. We at the hotline do not encourage anyone in an abusive relationship to seek counseling with their partner. Abuse is not a relationship problem. While there can be benefits for couples who undergo couples therapy, there's a great risk for any person who is being abused to attend therapy with their abusive partner.

[00:13:04]Relationship counseling can help partners understand each other, resolve difficult problems, and even help the couple gain a different perspective on their situation. It cannot, however, fix the unequal power structure that is characteristic of an abusive relationship. An abuser may use what is said in therapy later against their partner. Therapy can make a person feel vulnerable. If the abuser is embarrassed or angered by something said in therapy, he or she may make their partner suffer to gain back the sense of control.

[00:13:34]Therapy is often considered a safe space for people to talk. For an abused partner, that safety doesn't necessarily extend to their home. Couples often enter couples therapy to fix their relationship. Deciding whether or not the relationship is better is extremely hard for a couple if one is being abused. The abuser has all of the power and can no longer gauge if a relationship is getting better because he or she does not see what their partner sees. The abused partner often cannot even rate how bad or good the relationship is because the abuse has affected him/ her. In cases of abuse, counseling only serves to give the abusive party therapeutic language to more effectively manipulate their partner and the therapist. It also treats the abuse as a relationship issue for which both parties are responsible, which it's not. Abuse is not a relationship problem. It's about power and control. Couples counseling will not fix the unequal power structure in a relationship and can make it worse.

[00:14:34]Abusers will use what their victims say in counseling against them at home later. Abusers will also control the narrative in couples counseling, painting the victim as the problem.

[00:14:46]Abusers are often charming. They're also used to poking at their victim until they're emotional and frayed from walking on eggshells. This can present outwardly like the abuser is the calm, logical, reasonable partner and the victim is hysterical and unreasonable.

[00:15:01]In these instances, therapists often side with the abuser, which is even more damaging. What you need is therapy just for you because you need to learn to rebuild your self-confidence and resilience and to work towards leaving your abuser. Best of luck and big hugs.

[00:15:18]None of this is your fault and you are not alone." And OP replies, "Our therapist has recognized this. He's a psychologist and obviously very experienced. We've been working with him for a year." He asks to do private sessions with me all the time, and it's obvious this is why. Since I'm in a foreign country, I have less rights, and my custody of my baby is at higher risk.

[00:15:41]I do think that I can trust this therapist to become an ally if this gets ugly. But I also know that if my husband were to try to take the baby away from me out of the blue, if he initiates it, the courts are less likely to side with him. I think exercising patience and using boundaries to protect myself is the safest way for me to approach this situation. I think so, too. And I think it is always worth repeating these long points about abusers and abusive situations. I trust that OP's therapist is on OP's side with this and will help her navigate the upcoming divorce that is going to happen. I don't see how you could stay with someone who fabricates a gigantic cheating allegation against you and weaponizes you trying to leave. If anything, this is that part of the relationship where people say it is the most dangerous time for you because your abuser is more than aware you are trying to escape, so they will punish you for that. I think that also needs to be drilled into OP here that her life is very much at risk right now and she needs to do everything that she can to guarantee her safety and her child's safety. I I do hope we get another update from this one, but I guess that remains to be seen. Thank you for the story and thank you for the update, OP.

[00:16:57]Our next post is by user Routine Sky and it's titled, "Am I the [ __ ] here for not letting it go when my sister-in-law's boyfriend told me, "Let's get one thing clear. I don't need to justify my actions to you." This situation happened back in May of 2025.

[00:17:14]So, keep that in mind, but has been brought up again, so hence the post. I will be so happy if at least one person reads all of this and gives advice. Me 21 female have been with my fiance 25 male for about three years when this situation occurred. I genuinely felt like I had created good relationships with his immediate family, his mom, his dad, his sister, 26, etc. I'm someone who each of these people have heavily relied on to help with doing their taxes, keep their car insurancees up to date, help with school assignments as both the mom and sister were in school, etc. I never said no to any request or need. Edit for context. For everyone not understanding me, helping out, etc., please read. You have to keep in mind that my fiance's family is Hispanic and I'm the only person who is fluent in English. None were born in the US, only me. Not even my fianceé is fluent. So, it was natural for them to ask me for help and lean on me for everything. And I'm not great at saying no, especially to people who I think care about me. So, I took on more and more. I don't care that he helped. In fact, I wish she got more help from others like her other kids so I wouldn't be the go-to person that she asks and so I wouldn't feel bad saying no because if I say no, she has no one to help her. I'm happy she has someone other than me to help because I'm not doing it anymore after everything. The time came that my fiance and I were going to move states for our jobs. When we were about to move, my sister-in-law, 26 female, introduced us to her new boyfriend of one week at the time, a male, 40 male. The age gap worried me for the reason that my parents had an identical age gap, and it is precisely what tore them apart over time. But I kept that opinion to myself and supported their relationship. When we met him, I liked the guy. I thought he had a good sense of humor and he seemed nice around 4 months later. I was shocked when things went sideways.

[00:19:24]There's a mini situation that happened with him before this one. Let me know in the comments if you want me to explain it. My mother-in-law had asked me to help her find a new laptop, so I facetimed her and we talked for around an hour going over pricing and options.

[00:19:39]Finally, we settled on the 2025 MacBook Air M4. She was only going to use it for browsing, notes, and light school work.

[00:19:47]So, I recommended the one with standard storage and RAM. This would save her close to 500 bucks on a computer that she's already paying a,000 bucks for, especially because I share 2 TB of iCloud storage with her that I personally pay for. So, we went with that option and I ordered it. A few days later, she's talking on the phone with my fianceé and she asks him to pass the phone to her to tell me something. She tells me that my sister-in-law's boyfriend said the laptop that I picked was an older 2024 model, which isn't true. Based on that, he canled the order that I'd placed and took her to buy a different one, which ended up being essentially the same laptop, just with more RAM and storage. So, she spent more money for no real reason. I wasn't initially angry, but more annoyed because I'd done the work and spent the time with my mother-in-law to arrive at that choice. Also, he said he canceled it because it was an old model. However, I had the order confirmation with the model number to prove that wasn't the case. So, to me, it was a big misunderstanding that led to my mother-in-law paying $1,500 for the computer instead of $1,000.

[00:20:57]However, she got more RAM and storage that she won't need. With her technological ability, she'll probably only use about 10% of the computer's capabilities in the first place. So, the extra money felt wasteful and she's not rich. So, I decided since he's someone in the family, I would reach out to him in a text to let him know that there must have been a misunderstanding because the one that I ordered is the same one he took her to get and to ask that in the future if it's something that I already helped with to please reach out to me so that we can chat to avoid misunderstandings.

[00:21:33]He responded with some computer specs and I just responded with proof that what I ordered was correct. Once I sent the proof, he responded with, "Let's get one thing clear. I don't need to justify my actions to you. If you have a problem with the decision, take it up with mother-in-law."

[00:21:50]My jaw hit the floor. I was not expecting that type of reply and honestly felt disrespected.

[00:21:58]I replied saying that I had come to him with a respectful tone. So, I would like the same back from him and even clarified that I was not asking him to justify anything. I just wanted to avoid future misunderstandings.

[00:22:12]He left that message undelivered and refused to address it. Edit: And this is the same guy who months before called me while I was at work to yell at me because the Airbnb that I booked for eight people, including myself, for my mother-in-law's birthday, did not allow pets. It was free for everyone, by the way. I paid it all. I didn't even know that he had a pet and just assumed that at his age, that he knew someone to watch his pets or would hire someone to swing by. It was one night. So, he yelled at me while I was at work and asked me to justify that choice when it was free for him to stay. How would I know? Little did I know, he immediately went to sister-in-law, mother-in-law, and father-in-law to complain about my texts. He twisted it to fit his agenda to make it seem as if I wanted him to give me the rundown every time he does anything. I found this out when I received a text later that same night from my mother-in-law, who texted me saying that I didn't have to get upset and go off on him. Never did that, but I replied saying I didn't know what she meant. In fact, I felt disrespected by him. But at that point, she wouldn't hear me. My fianceé tried to address it with her and his sister, but they defended him, said his message wasn't disrespectful, and questioned why I even texted him in the first place. She also said that we were misunderstanding his tone. All of this while I have the receipts. I feel like I'm going crazy.

[00:23:48]Am I in the wrong? Was he not disrespectful? Should I let it go? Also, there's more that happened after, and here's the edit for that. Okay, so basically after the situation, my fianceé reached out directly to him to say like, "My intentions weren't to get him to justify anything and that the comment he made was overly aggressive and not okay." That message was left undelivered. 6 months went by and there were crickets. No wanting to reach out for birthdays, no nothing, no effort to clear the air. But the time came for my mother-in-law's graduation from nursing school. I wasn't going to let that stop us from going and decided to go and be cordial and engage in group setting, but not directly to him. We went and when he approached, we are all Hispanic, he came and partially wrapped me in a hug and went down to kiss my cheek. I said, "No thank you." quietly, not loudly, because to be honest, I didn't feel like being touched and kissed by someone who literally disrespected me in the last thing that he ever said to me and left it like that for 6 months. This was not witnessed by anyone. I didn't want to cause a scene or anything. I came to find out at the end of our trip, literally at the airport, from a text my mother-in-law sent to my fianceé, that he had gone to my father-in-law and told him that I did not accept his hug and kiss. From there, my father-in-law told mother-in-law. The message my mother-in-law sent my fianceé was basically that I was not being mature and that obviously him coming to hug me was him being the bigger person or something. The message hurt because it was intended to be behind my back, but my fianceé shared it with me. If anything, I knew that I was going to be uncomfortable and I came anyways and did not cause an issue. But now I'm the issue again because I didn't want to be kissed. In response to the whole thing, my fianceé scheduled a call with him. On that call, it lasted 5 minutes. He wasn't letting my fianceé talk at all.

[00:25:55]So, my fianceé asked if he could speak on each point he's trying to make because he won't be able to if he keeps going and won't let him. And he responded that then he should get a pen and paper and take notes if he can't keep up. So, my fiance responded that that comment is a zued in Spanish. Not sure the translation, and the dude hung up and said to call him back when he is man enough. After that, my fianceé said he isn't speaking to him because there's no speaking to someone who is so cool talking like that. So, that's the most recent thing. In the comments, Terica has spoken. Says, "Not the [ __ ] I wouldn't help them with anything ever again. Tell them to ask him, and I wouldn't go around unless it was a holiday or a special occasion. They made their choice when they made up their minds about a situation that they weren't in before they even spoke to you. And OP says, "This is where I'm at for sure. I feel taken advantage of. No one cared or checked on me, but did feel fine reaching out for help. Find a nice way to say go ask the know-it-all when they come to you in the future. You're a 21-year-old young woman just getting started in life. Stop spending so much time, effort, and money on these people.

[00:27:12]Focus on yourself and on your future.

[00:27:15]Save your money and let them sort their own lives out. Drop the robe. Don't interact with sister-in-law's nasty, manipulative boyfriend ever again. And don't ever allow yourself to be alone with him. And actually, it's mother-in-law's fault for listening to a stranger that she doesn't really know instead of the person who actually helped in the first place. or typical of family to underestimate their own and especially women about computers.

[00:27:43]Mother-in-law will figure out this guy soon. He and sis won't stick together.

[00:27:48]Get your popcorn and just watch the action from the sidelines. He doesn't have anyone his own age because those women are wise to his ego and aren't having it. I mean, it's very much typical of big age gap relationships like this, right? There just seems to be an entitlement of everyone beneath them and that's why people their own age won't date them. And that's how a situation like this cropped up in the first place. And I'm on the side of the comments here. I say just let mother-in-law make her own mistakes. Let her waste her own money. You getting involved in trying to save this situation is only going to end badly for you when she's proven that she will take his side no matter what, even though he's full of [ __ ] You are doing so much for this family that you shouldn't be doing OP. I get why you're doing it, but this should tell you that no one in this family respects you outside of your partner. So, you should start treating them the same way that they treat you, not the [ __ ] And now on to the update. First and foremost, thank you to everyone who read my original post and offered feedback and advice. I honestly thought that I wouldn't have anyone willing to read a lot of computer spec BS, but I appreciate it so much. When dealing with a whole family pointing the finger at you when you had the best intentions, you start to feel a little crazy. So, all the comments definitely helped me feel grounded in my decision. As for the actions of my mother-in-law, father-in-law, and sister-in-law, I absolutely agree that a lot of the true colors were shown. Me going and refusing the hug plus kiss happened back in December.

[00:29:27]Since then, I've not gone to visit and have distanced myself substantially. In fact, so has my fianceé. Of course, he speaks to his parents, but my fianceé has not talked to his sister since then.

[00:29:40]When asked for help, I've simply directed my mother-in-law to others and explain that I'm very busy. This was essentially a wake-up call for me to stop pouring so much into others who frankly don't have my back, even in the most obvious situations.

[00:29:55]My mother was someone who raised me believing that love is earned and created me into someone who tries to go above and beyond in order to be loved.

[00:30:04]I'm working on that and I'm proud of myself for realizing that it's not healthy. Although my nature is to be helpful and generous, I need to learn that there's a healthy balance that can be achieved. As for the 40, now 41-year-old, I'm not engaging and not going to keep giving him fuel that he can add to the fire. Me further defending myself would only give him the ability to twist it around as he is local to my in-laws and has proven that he has no problem gossiping to them. And as many of you have mentioned, it's an incredible waste of time. However, I do worry about my sister-in-law. I cannot help but worry about her and how it seems that this may be a tactic to isolate her. He already moved her in with him. She was living with her parents and now her brother and I are no longer in contact with them. However, I'm also aware that she's an adult and has the right to stay in a relationship as long as she wishes. I hope she's happy and I hope that he's treating her right, but how would anyone know since things are the way they are. As for my wedding, it's planned for late August.

[00:31:09]Many of you know that I'm no contact with 95% of my family and initially was only going to plan a wedding for his family. But this situation also reminded me to stay true to myself and make a decision that both me and my fianceé are comfortable with. We decided to alope somewhere beautiful with no one but an efficient and a photographer. And no one in his family knows about that yet. But I'm not going to allow that decision to be an open discussion. Our minds are made up. And at the end of the day, for the both of us, the love that we have for each other and sharing that beautiful moment is way more important than having a big wedding. However, we do agree that a party afterwards where we invite our friends and family would be great. So, we will plan that for September. My sister-in-law will be invited to that party, but we'll receive no plus one. I'm not expecting this to go over well, but I won't allow myself to be uncomfortable at my own wedding celebration. Thanks again to everyone who shared advice. I read every comment in the comments. Snoo cauliflowers says, "Thank you for the update. Aloping is the perfect solution. I'm sorry about your family." Both of them. I hope you've chosen one with your friends.

[00:32:23]Bonus. With the money that you would have saved from not having an expensive wedding, you may be able to have a honeymoon of your dreams and still spend much less than you would with a wedding.

[00:32:32]Now go celebrate your love. Many of us don't have that. So enjoy each other.

[00:32:37]And please update after your nuptules and dream honeymoon for those of us following your story. And OP says, "Damn right. The money being put to a honeymoon/house down payment is also a huge plus. Thank you again and I'll update again after the honeymoon. Queen Bruya says, "A lot of people don't understand the Latino family dynamic of helping everyone in everything and respecting the elders. We're pretty much raised to be doormats. I'm glad that you're breaking the cycle and taking care of yourself, not the asshole." And OP says, "Definitely. It's brutal."

[00:33:14]Well, the big issue in your situation is the lack of reciprocity. The fact that there's no gratitude on their part and no sense of desire to pay you back shows up that the family dynamic itself is very messed up. With any normal family in any part of the world, there is always a sense of give and take. Yeah, look, I get culturally these people do get raised to help everyone in everything and to respect their elders.

[00:33:39]And yeah, maybe you do get raised to be a dmat here. But when there is a [ __ ] that goes behind your back and spits you, doesn't do the same for you, but expects princess treatment himself and then poisons the entire family against you. It's time to throw out that understanding of cultural norms. It is definitely time to throw that culture away for this specific family. I hope all does go well for you, OP. I really do hope that the wedding goes well, the celebration goes well, and that that piece of [ __ ] isn't there to ruin your day, cuz you know, he for sure will do his best to be there to sour the mood.

[00:34:17]Thank you for the story. Thank you for the update, not the [ __ ] Our next post is by user recognition Jew, and it's titled, "Am I the [ __ ] here for not wanting to give my DNA in order to try and reconcile with my brother?" So I, 35 male, spoke directly to my brother, James, 37 male, for the first time in over 15 years. It was completely my fault. I was a jealous and insecure young man who made a selfish choice with no regard to the long-term consequences.

[00:34:51]What did I do? I hooked up with Alice, 37, female, who was dating my brother at the time. We did it once and one of the main reasons why it was only once was because we got caught. James was rightfully upset and understandably had an aggressive response. I could have put him in jail, but guilt and our parents pressure kept me from actually going through with it. I was kicked out and scolded by the family, both extended and immediate, and James cut me out of his life. Over the years, I was able to regain some form of communication with my parents and younger sister, but James still wanted nothing to do with me. I spent years trying to figure out why I did what I did and got therapy. I made a new life for myself while traveling, getting a college level education, and starting my own small but successful business. I tried the whole romance thing, but have since decided that long-term companionship just wasn't for me and discovered my lack of desire to be a father. I did end up getting the snip and in 2020 to 2021, I entered an exclusive arrangement with a friend, Tanya, 36, female, and she ended up getting pregnant. Turns out the damn thing that I got clipped grew back, and now I have a beautiful daughter, Emily, four female, with Tanya. We live about 10 minutes away from each other and have an amazing co-parenting relationship. My parents are aware of Emily and have met her a few times, but have always kept their distance because of James. My sister, on the other hand, has made herself quite familiar with my daughter, and they do have a relationship. I gave up years ago about ever seeing or speaking to James again, so I was surprised when he reached out to me on social media. He asked if Emily was really mine since she was biracial and looked more like her mother. Tanya is African-Amean and I didn't respond. My parents later reached out to me and asked me to come see them at their house. I came and was surprised to see both James and Alice there waiting for me. Turns out after a while they made up and got married and agreed to just never talk about me. However, for the past few years, they've been trying to have kids, and it turns out that James can't have biological kids. I don't know all the details, and I didn't ask. Alice and James have fought over this for a while, as Alice wants a biochild of her own, but James refuses to claim and raise a kid that's not related to him. My brother told me that he's willing to finally forgive me and accept me back into his life if I make a donation to help him start a family.

[00:37:33]My parents were completely on board with this idea and really want me to do this.

[00:37:38]While I'm hesitant, it's true that I won't be responsible for any potential child that may come of this, but I just feel too weird about the situation. And honestly, I've learned some things about these kind of adults that James and Alice grew to be, and I don't think they'd make good parents. Am I the [ __ ] here? Edit to add. I've been viewing the comments, and I just want to clarify some things. One, I don't fault my parents for kicking me out as I did do a pretty shitty thing and just stayed with a friend. Two, my sister was still dependent on our parents at the time that I hooked up with Alice. So, I don't fault her for keeping her distance.

[00:38:15]Three, yes, my sister knew about James and Alice. However, she didn't tell me because I made it clear outside of James dying that I didn't want to hear anything from him. Communication on my end was never closed. If my brother wanted me to know what was going on in his life, then he would let me know.

[00:38:32]Four, when you hurt someone, you can't decide when they should get over it or how they cope. I agree that James's willingness to forgive Alice, but not me, is a bit strange, but it's not my place to demand he forgives me, too.

[00:38:46]Five. It took a while to realize it, but there was a bit of a golden child syndrome situation with my parents and my brother. He was the first son and excelled academically whilst I struggled and my parents were ashamed that I needed help and got into more trouble than James did. I internalized my insecurities and me being with Alice was away at how I lashed out. Not an excuse, just an explanation.

[00:39:12]Six. My brother was the wronged party, not me. So, it made sense for our parents to prioritize him. I also think he resents that I'm able to pass along the family name while he can't and is making my parents choose. Seven. They have seen and interacted with my daughter. They've even gotten her gifts, but I think they don't do more because they don't want to hurt James. Hope this helps. Edit to add to yes, I did apologize to my brother in the form of a letter 3 years after the fact at the suggestion of my therapist. I gave it to my mom and asked her to pass it along to my brother. I don't know if he ever read it. Also, I was no contact with both of my parents for that first year after I was kicked out and then went low contact with my mom and very low contact with my dad. I'm regular contact with my sister.

[00:40:06]James gave me a broken nose. He just did it outside and the neighbors called the police. By the time they arrived, our dad had already separated us and I got some ice while James went to cool off at a friend's house. In the comments, Dame BabyZ56 says, "You can't call someone selfish for saying no because they don't want to be manipulated into giving someone a child because someone's partner is shooting blanks." What the hell? He's got every right to say no whether he's already been there or not.

[00:40:37]Next take, his parents. They cut him off in favor of his brother's girlfriend.

[00:40:43]What parent does that? But now they want something they're willing to talk. Opie has a daughter they hardly know because of this. And here they are expecting him to give them another one for his brother to raise. That child will be his child's half sibling. How would she feel when she's older knowing Golden Brothers got the best of grandparents and she got the shitty end of the stick? He should tell all of them no and go about his life. OP replies, "Honestly, my therapist is on vacation and I want to respect their boundary of not wanting to be contacted unless I'm having real crisis, but still felt like talking to someone about this." I did think of Tanya or some of my friends first, but I didn't want to dump this mental load on them either during the month of the holidays. And Dame Baby replies, "A stranger is a good person. No bias to be found that way, but honestly, you need to say no and let them implode. Your brother only being willing to forgive you if you do this speaks volumes. Also, what happens if you do do this and he decides he doesn't want the child for whatever reason, i.e. resents it because it came from you or it's a girl. You say they don't have the best of a relationship, which is not healthy to bring the child into. It seems that you need to do some serious thinking, but as a stranger, my advice is to run a mile. Tired Goth says, "Not the [ __ ] and fastest way to get them off your back is to say that you got your vasectomy redone." Can you imagine if James and Alice develop problems later in life and James ends up developing resentment towards the kid because it isn't his? That was my first thought. In fact, James and Alice wouldn't even need to develop problems.

[00:42:24]It could happen even if the child doesn't meet James' expectations in some way. OP should be wary of giving James a child that is biologically OP's because of the animosity that James has harbored against OP for so many years. It was 15 years ago he forgave her and married her and nobody told you. They haven't and won't change their mind. Your brother will ignore you and claim that his forgiveness is just not actively hating you anymore. Your parents are only on board and asking because they want grandbabies. They kept their distance from the one they had because of your brother who has nothing to do with her.

[00:43:02]I'd tell them all to go pound sand. I genuinely think in this situation you don't bring another child into the world. If you are willing to go as far as getting a vasectomy to prove that you are child-free and that is not something that you want in your life because you have done so much introspective thinking and soulsearching and you're like, "Yeah, I do not [ __ ] with having kids.

[00:43:25]That is not what I want in my life. That is not something that I will ever be comfortable with." Yes, you accidentally had a kid. You know that that's a miracle that that happens. That is so crazy and astronomically unlikely. But just because you have a child now does not mean you should bring another one into this world. Because from the get-go, you're already child-free, OP.

[00:43:46]That should be the absolute no. I'm a child-free person. It's not what I want.

[00:43:51]I'm very much aware of that. And then two, if this child were to come into reality, they could always just be like, you know what? We don't want this child anymore. Actually, that's your kid. Have another one. There you go. We don't have to do [ __ ] I'm no lawyer myself, but I feel like there is a case to be made in which OP could be on the hook for child support for this child if it were to ever be brought into the world. And I'm a big fan of saying no to this family.

[00:44:21]And now onto the update. Hey everyone, it's been a while and for those that are still interested in an update, I decided to post one when I had the time. For those who are new, the link to the original story will be below. First things first, I ultimately decided that I wasn't going to give my brother and wife my swimmers. I asked them and my parents to respect my decision, but I knew that that wasn't going to happen.

[00:44:45]As predicted, they hit me with the following. How could you be so selfish?

[00:44:50]It's just DNA. That's not actually what they said. After what you did, you owe me/ him. What I didn't predict was the answer I got as to why James decided to forgive Alice but not me. Turns out James cheated first twice. One of the women was someone who Alice had a mean girls rivalry type of relationship with her. A girl who was all too happy to throw it in Alice's face at a public event that she slept with her boyfriend.

[00:45:21]Alice forgave James the first time, but when he slept with her enemy, she made a conscious effort to get revenge by sleeping with me. I said it before, but I had my own issues with the way my parents raised me, and I resented James over. So, when a pretty girl flung herself at me, I didn't give it too much thought. James caught us because Alice had planned for him to. They did break up, however, and after a while, they realized they still felt something for each other and agreed to just never talk about me. James knew that the only way to keep that agreement was if our parents kept as little contact with me as possible. So, he guilt tripped them into complying, which is why I was always kept at an arms length. I'm not going to lie, a part of me was pretty pissed off at that and I confronted them about it. And my parents were right that I didn't have to take Alice's bait. I just didn't like how James, Alice, and I all did selfish and hurtful things, yet I was the only one who suffered consequences. My parents think Alice and James not being able to have a child is a consequence and that me giving them my swimmers can finally help heal everyone.

[00:46:30]I still refused and admitted that I think that they'd make terrible parents.

[00:46:35]I won't go into too much detail because the rules, but we're Americans, so draw from that what you will. My sister is the only one who's been on my side and called out Alice and James on their crap. There's always been a small part of me that wished I could be forgiven and see my parents on the holidays again, but after all of this, I feel like I'm going to be okay being low contact or very low contact. In the comments, where's Wolf says, "If you ever need another reason to give them the sperm, then here you go. If you gave your sperm and it resulted in a child, your brother would forever hate and resent the kid knowing he's not the biological father, you would be the biod, and that alone is enough for him to resent the poor innocent child. Don't give out your sperm. Save that little soul from a terrible family. I can see his brother and wife suing him for child support. Edit to add, there's a case in the UK where a lesbian couple asked their good male friend to give his goods so they could have a child. then another. No contract, just a promise that didn't hold up in court. They both swore to him that they would never expect him to be the father. They broke up and each mom sued him for child support. The court sided with the moms who quit their jobs. He and wife, no clue if they're still married, couldn't consider having their own children because his child support payments were too high. Tell them to let your father contribute his DNA if it's so important to your brother to be related to the child. Well, then his son would be his brother or his brother instead of his nephew. Same same really. The issue will be when he and Alice break up, he's not the biological father, so will refuse to have anything to do with the child, including paying child support. He's the type of person that would go to court to order a DNA test to show that he's not the father and that the father is his brother who cheated with his partner.

[00:48:27]Easy enough to say if you don't go through an IVF clinic and Alice either does the turkey based method of getting pregnant or gets the OP to sleep with her. Yeah. Look, were we expecting a good outcome from the update here? Were we genuinely expecting it to get better at all? Oh, yeah. So, um, we as a family decided to make your life hell to torture you for existing OP because we just like your brother more. And we know that what they did was incredibly dirty and you deserve to be kept in the loop so that you can make your own decision on this and not have it affect your entire [ __ ] life. But no, uh, he's the golden child and you still technically cheated. So, yeah, you're a bad guy, too. Everyone's the bad guy here. OP doesn't deserve to be the only one punished in this situation because he didn't do no wrong. He did much less wrong. He did the least wrong in this situation. Yes, cheating bad, but his cheating was the least wrong thing. Why is he being the most punished? [ __ ] all of these people. Ask dad to give his DNA. Don't ask OP. Stop with this [ __ ] I hate these people. Thank you for the story. Thank you for the update, OP.

[00:49:38]Please go find some more inner peace and cut these people out of your life again.

[00:49:42]They are nothing but a headache. Anyway guys, I do hope you enjoyed today's episode. If you did, let me know what you thought of it in the comments down below. And I'll see you in the next one.

[00:49:51]Bye-bye.