How To Set Up A Video Shop | #TheLateShow

Added: 2026-05-08

[00:00:01][applause] >> You know, a lot of people a lot of people have been writing into this program and asking, "How can I set up my own video shop?" No, they have really. And Mr. Jeffrey Edleston of New South Wales, no more sleepless nights for you because tonight we're going to show you just how simple it really is. Now, the first thing you're going to need is an absolutely pathetic name for your video shop. Uh something with a pun or a twist on a famous film title, something that'll make you feel like a total [ __ ] when you have to I have to answer the phone.

[00:00:32]Hello, Close Encounters of a VHS Kind?

[00:00:35]That sort of thing. Now, next up you're going to need uh posters. Posters everywhere for films which won't actually be available for about 3 months. Oh, great. Cape Fear, Basic Instinct, Batman Returns. So, I'm sorry, sir. We haven't actually got any of those, but I can offer you Taking Care of Business with Jim Belushi. Right.

[00:00:54]Another satisfied customer. Now, as well as the new releases, there's several other sections you're going to need to establish. There's a highly recommended.

[00:01:01]Uh this is basically any crappy film that you've ordered too many copies of that nobody's taking out. Uh K-9 with Jim Belushi is a good example there. Uh there's the comedy section. Now, this is a wasteland for every one Fish Called Wanda, there must be 25 Bikini Shops.

[00:01:16]This is essential. Oh, and don't forget the rather sad little shelf for the Terence Hill and Bud Spencer films. Just a touch of detail there. There's nostalgia. Now, this is just a tokenistic section uh really. It's basically consisting of a very old copy of South Pacific and several films which you've really only ordered because Marilyn Monroe's in them. Sort of adds a touch of class to the place. There's also uh the biggest section in the video shop, the uh Jean-Claude Van Damme section. Uh much too large for us to recreate here. And of course, there's a rather sleazy seedy section in the corner that only old blokes in raincoats ever seem to visit, the beta section.

[00:01:50]>> [laughter] >> Now, to guide you through all this you're going to need some staff. And it's a proven fact that nobody knows less about the history of cinema than people who work at video shops. For example, me. If I were to ask you, "Do you have a copy of Michelangelo Antonioni's 1966 masterpiece Blow Up?" Your response would be, "Is that the one with Steven Seagal in it?" Absolutely correct and there's a snake for you, Mick. You take that >> [laughter] >> Nobody leaves the sketch empty-handed.

[00:02:17]Now, you've got your staff, you've got your movies, you've made sure that every second film is cued up to halfway through the end credits, very important.

[00:02:24]Uh you've got some munchies on display.

[00:02:25]This means uh bags of popcorn the size of sacks of charcoal briquettes. Now, what you've got to do is get people into the shop and one trick here is to have a really bad painting on the front window.

[00:02:35]Now, uh Jase, you're a professional video shop portrait artist. Uh oui oui, monsieur Tony Martin. I don't think the accent's really necessary, Jase. The smoke's doing all the work here. So, just forge on. Okay. Uh now, what's the trick with this? Well, the secret is, Tony, is that whatever happens, the finished product should look nothing like who it's meant to be.

[00:02:51]>> Ah, I see. Technique naughty here. Well, surely that's Kevin Costner. Could be John Candy. Could be uh Jessica Tandy really. Could be outstanding, Jase. But I believe you've got some actual examples of video shop art that you've snapped around town.

[00:03:02]>> I have, Tony. Do you remember uh Christopher Lambert in that movie uh The Highlander?

[00:03:06]>> Oh, who could forget that one, Jase? And you'll remember he looked nothing like this.

[00:03:10]Uh that's John Cougar Mellencamp, surely.

[00:03:13]Now, my [laughter] next slide is of uh Robert De Niro and you'll see here the uh video artist, well, he's captured that certain look, Tony. Yeah, what is that look there, Jase? Uh cross-eyed.

[00:03:21]And he's captured that very effectively.

[00:03:23]>> Now, throwing this one in, it's not a video shop, but uh it's a sort of weird-looking Bruce Springsteen.

[00:03:27]>> How can you tell that's Bruce Springsteen? Oh, cuz it says Bruce Springsteen. Yeah. Very good. Okay, thanks, Jase. Here's a snake for you.

[00:03:33]Can I have that now? Do you you'll get hooked, Jase. Be careful. Now, okay, we're ready for business and here comes our first customer and what do you know, it's Mr. PHILLIP BRADY.

[00:03:42]>> [applause] >> OUR CELEBRITY STUDENT HERE THIS [cheering] EVENING.

[00:03:47]AND OF COURSE, it's my job to make it virtually impossible for him to actually join up. Right, so we're going to need two forms of identification.

[00:03:54]>> Uh-huh. Uh first the first should be fairly straightforward. Have you got your driver's license, Phillip?

[00:03:59]>> Oh, sure. That's easy. Right, okay, terrific. Now, the second should be a little bit more difficult to obtain.

[00:04:04]Have you got a copy of your grandmother's birth certificate initialed by Justice of the Peace, Phillip? Well, actually I have.

[00:04:11]>> You have too?

[00:04:12]>> [laughter] >> Right, uh sometimes a third form of identification may be required. We're going to need a King George V mantelpiece from your ancestral home in the Welsh Highlands if that's all right with you. Teak or mahogany finish?

[00:04:24]Ironbark if you've got it, Phillip.

[00:04:25]Thanks very much.

[00:04:30]Ah, yes. Well, that should do the trick and I'll just have your membership card laminated for you.

[00:04:38]>> [laughter] >> There you go, Phil. Oops, pardon me.

[00:04:41]Thanks for taking Hot card. Hot card. Hot card. That's a shockingly simple form [applause] of ID, Jase.

[00:04:50]Terrific stuff. Send in your lottery forms now.

[00:04:54]And don't forget don't forget to join us next week when Phil and myself will be showing you how you can set up your own puppet regime in Central America. See you there.

[00:05:03]>> [applause] [cheering] >> You asked, we listened. Right, here's the plan. Members get exclusive access to classic rare and never-before-seen video and audio from way back when we were starting out. What did that guy Consumer Face call it?

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[00:05:29]>> Good on you, Tom.

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