How To Build A Better Boy: Disney's WORST Original Movie

[00:00:01][music] How to Build a Better Boy is a 2014 Disney Channel original movie starring at the time stars Kelly Berglin and China and Mlan. This was made during that era of decoms where I was aware of everything that was coming out but didn't care enough to actually watch them like Invisible Sister, Bad Hair Day, Cloud9, which I actually did a video on, so go check that out. But one thing I did notice about this era was how experimental the movies were. I remember their early era of Disney Channel originals used to be pretty out there as well, but once the 2000s hit, they kind of started playing it safe, I feel. After 2010, though, I feel like they realized that they could no longer get away with those kinds of films and decided to start branching out and trying some more out there ideas. How to Build a Better Boy starts out with a relatively simple concept, though, I will say. Nerdy Girl creates a fake boyfriend in order to stop getting picked on. It happens. What doesn't happen though is said fake boyfriend somehow coming alive, taking on arms dealers via combat while also still having time to attend the school dance.

[00:00:59]And that's the concept that this movie plays around with. Now, do they do a good job with it? No. Am I going to have fun making fun of it, though? [laughter] Yes. You know how we do on the Mr. Nostalgia channel. So, let's get into it.

[00:01:15][music] Lab rats Kelly Berglin and Ant Farms China Mlan play May and Gabby, two sophomore age teenagers who also happen to be super geniuses. Kind of. You'll see what I mean by that later. When they aren't acing tests and bypassing main frames though, like a lot of teenage girls, crushes occupy a lot of space in their head. May's crush specifically on this one dude that she tutors from time to time named Jaden is what drives the main story of the movie. Jaden is played by Noah, who I guess was in a lot of stuff that mattered to a lot of girls out there, but I don't know, bro. I just know that this dude played Adam Smasher in Black Atom, the movie that was supposed to change the hierarchy of the DC universe, you know, before the actual hierarchy of the DC universe changed.

[00:02:10]May feels like her and Jaden actually have a little bit of a spark between them. But Gabby, being a straight hater, shuts it down immediately and says that he only needs her to pass his classes, [music] nothing more. Golly, Gabby, you could have at least said maybe, perhaps even. This movie's casting is a bit of an interesting scenario because Kelly, for example, was 17 when she filmed it, making her the age of a senior in high school. Only problem is she's not playing a senior. I believe the movie mentioned that they are sophomores. So, in order to create a bigger contrast between them and the actual seniors in the movie, Disney decided to cast people in their 20s. Remember Ashley Art from True Jackson VP, a show that came out 6 years prior to this movie? Yeah, well, they decided to cast her as a teenager despite her being 20 at the time. Now, you might be thinking, "That's not that bad. 20 yearear-olds play teens all the time." And you know what? You're not wrong.

[00:03:03]However, remember this dude who was also in Drew Jackson VP. He's also in this movie and he's three years older than Ashley. Also, Sasha Clemens plays a character named Marne in this movie and she's older than Matt Shiveley. Matter of fact, she's married to Corbin Blue.

[00:03:24]Unfortunately, Ashley's character Naa is your stereotypical popular mean girl that you've seen in dozens other movies like this. So, when she overhears May talking about how Jaden, who she's been dating for a little bit now, is texting her unprovoked, asking her to meet up with him after practice, she doesn't take this too lightly. Bro, hold on.

[00:03:41]What operating system is this? They got Linux on cell phones now. Also, I was going to say something about this dude's spelling, but I don't know. I just feel bad. This dude don't even need tuning, bro. He just need to like start all over. Bro, look at this squad of grown women who I'm supposed to believe are like 17. I'll tell you what though, Ashley Aota's got some incredible teeth. I'm about to DM her and ask for her oral care routine.

[00:04:06]Anyway, her and her posi start pressing May about what she thinks she's doing there. And although she tries to explain that she was invited by Jaden, she's not trying to hear it. Starts flaming her about how she's socially irrelevant and whatnot.

[00:04:19]>> Why do people even like you?

[00:04:21]>> Have you seen her teeth?

[00:04:24]As they're all walking away, May decides to clean up this whole situation by saying that she already has a boyfriend.

[00:04:29]His name is George. George what?

[00:04:34]Georgeana.

[00:04:37]>> Then she makes up all these other extra details about how cool and attractive he is. Yet she does all that just to say his name is Albert. Like really? That's the coolest name you can come up with.

[00:04:48]To make matters worse, literally everyone in the school starts cooking her about this too, which I'm sorry is just so unrealistic. Unless you did something genuinely heinous. There's no way the entire school would ever be on your case about something. Like, I know you not laughing, bro. You got a lot of nerve considering you look like Clayton from Drake and Josh. Later at May's house, the two girls complain about how most high school boys are all the same and just aren't good enough for them.

[00:05:13]That's when Gabby gets the idea to create a virtual boyfriend for May using her coding skills, cuz that'll solve all of May's problems, right? Gabby wants to put her coding skills to the test by merging them with the technology of May's dad's video game company. And considering she's apparently a master hacker as well, she can do that remotely by getting into the company's system.

[00:05:32]Gabby is going to hack into a multi-million dollar video game company, which by the way is illegal, just to create a fake virtual boyfriend for her friend. With a plot point like this, it doesn't surprise me that the movie writer's only other notable writing credit is Space Chimps. Here's the big twist, though. Even though May's dad is apparently the owner of a video game company named Superior Gaming, it's actually all just a front. In all actuality, he low-key works for the government, specifically the robotics division. His main goal, at least right now, is to create an android that the military can use on mission. So, when Gabby starts to create May's perfect virtual boyfriend that can send her text and even video chat, she's actually creating the perfect robot soldier who can like take on entire nation's defense systems. May starts listing all of the desirable traits that she'd want this guy to have. And honestly, none of them are worth mentioning. Once I heard blonde hair and blue eyes, I knew what was going on. The problem is the technology May's dad has been working on just isn't quite at the release stage yet. So, while Gabby's putting in all these features, even though it's creating Albert, it's starting to fry not only the entire lab, but also May's dad's home office. Fortunately, he's not home at the moment to see all this, but unfortunately, this dude is Matt Shiveley's character, Bart, who is May's older senior brother, who unfortunately kind of has a crush on China's character. In the movie, there's only like a 2-year age gap, but in real life, there's a [clears throat] 8-year gap, and yeah, it looks like it.

[00:07:05]Yet somehow the casting directors thought this would still work anyway.

[00:07:10]It doesn't.

[00:07:11]>> I thought you were asleep.

[00:07:13]>> Oh, Justice never sleeps.

[00:07:16]>> You are not Batman, Lord, bro. [music] Anyway, this dude blackmails Gabby by saying he'll stay silent about her whole entering dad's office thing if she goes to homecoming with him. I don't want to talk about it anymore, though. After managing to distract his dad, Bart comes in to see what's actually going on, but panics once he sees the damage, and not even an explanation can calm him down.

[00:07:34]>> Wait, wait, wait. So, I guess our deal is off.

[00:07:37]>> Wait, what deal?

[00:07:38]>> A very personal and private deal, which is none of your concern.

[00:07:42]>> Yo, are they actively just trying to make this dude [music] sound weird?

[00:07:46]Like, I'm trying to stop talking about it, but I just can't let some of this slide. Anyway, the next day, me and Gabby get pressed once again by Naa.

[00:07:53]Heaven spelled backwards by the way, but get interrupted by Albert May's fake boyfriend actually showing up in the flesh. In the metal just didn't have as good of a ring to it. After a slow motion walk up sequence, Albert introduces himself to all the kids surrounding him and starts instantly going on about how much he likes May, leaving Nvea dumbfounded by all of this.

[00:08:13]But at the very least, Albert was successful in getting her off the girl's tail, which ultimately is the reason why he was invented.

[00:08:19]>> What just happened?

[00:08:21]>> I don't know.

[00:08:24]yet? I don't know yet.

[00:08:26]>> Come on.

[00:08:30]>> Don't go away. We'll be back with the Disney Channel movie.

[00:08:36]>> We're back [music] with the Disney Channel movie.

[00:08:41]Later, we see how two very different groups of people deal with the existence of Albert. While the military starts freaking out over someone hacking their system and stealing their project, the girls at May and Gabby's school do some freaking out of their own, though not nearly in the same way.

[00:08:56]>> Albert is like, you know, >> during a montage, we see all these romantic couple things that Albert does for May with Gabby in the background still trying to process how he's alive.

[00:09:09]And uh this is when the movie starts to really lose me. May genuinely doesn't even remotely see an issue with the fact that her dream guy, someone she made from scratch, in her mind, is somehow standing right in front of her. Gabby is the only one keeping it real. She's the only normal person in this movie. She eventually comes to the conclusion that Albert is part of some marketing thing where the game company hires actors based on the avatars they create, and she even calls him out on it. But Albert denies everything and instead tells Gabby that his goal is to kiss May at homecoming, giving her the perfect ending to a perfect night. Albert continues to do things that should probably arise a bunch of concerns, but doesn't because everyone in this movie, for whatever reason, is stupid. I guess one of the more memorable moments of this movie comes when Albert actually does ask out May to the dance, but May denies him, saying that guys like him aren't supposed to end up with girls like her. And he rebuttals this by breaking out in the song. What song might you ask? Love you like a love song by Selena Gomez.

[00:10:08]And the scene and then they both start singing it. It becomes a whole thing.

[00:10:12]Not a big fan. I mean I love the original song. It's great. Especially the music video. Bart calls Gabby saying that he ended up fixing the computer but in doing so found out everything about Albert and who he really is. In the meantime though, a criminal group called >> Sigma wants to steal Albert as their whole MMO is nabbing powerful weapons.

[00:10:32]The thing is, now that it's not in the lab anymore, they've got no choice but to check all the potential outside [music] places it could be, which naturally doesn't bode well for Albert, Gabby, or especially May. Back at Bart's house, he starts panicking in front of Gabby over this whole ordeal. Not just the fact that his sister's in a relationship with an android made to destroy, but also the fact that his dad isn't actually a video game developer.

[00:10:53]He doesn't have too much time to process everything, though, before Black Sigma barges into the house to grab whatever files they need in order to find Albert.

[00:11:01]How did they know to go there, though? I don't know. This movie doesn't explain, so clearly it's not important, I guess.

[00:11:06]Later, Mr. Harley and everyone else from the military make their entrance into the house, but clearly arrive too late.

[00:11:12]The damage, quite literally, is already done. While in their van, Black Sigma reads all the files of Albert and see that his mission involves the homecoming dance. And after seeing Gabby and Bart hop into the car, they figured it makes sense to follow them since teenagers equals homecoming. Even though these guys could have just been going to Walmart or something. I don't know. With all this new info in mind, Gabby and Bart try to find May. With her being Albert's mission commander, all she has to do is say that she's satisfied with her care like a big hero 6 basically, and then dude will self-destruct. This becomes a bit of a challenge though when they both see that May is surrounded by a whole posi now. Not to mention the fact that Albert instantly was able to pick up on the fact that Black Sigma is there. One of the dudes specifically tries to take him on, but uh yeah, it goes about as well as you'd expect. As for me and Gabby, the two try to have a conversation about Albert and that also goes about as well as you'd expect.

[00:12:05]>> But I love Albert and I know that he feels the same way about me.

[00:12:11]>> Later, Bart tries to talk to Gabby about the conversation she had with May. But before things can get too far, things get so much worse. Thanks to his obviously incredible try out earlier in the movie, girl gets called down to play in the homecoming football game after one of their players gets hurt. You know, usually movies like this try to avoid using sports team names that already exist, but I find it really funny how this team is just straight up called the Eagles. They didn't even try with that one. Despite Gabby trying to stop him, girl goes out there anyway.

[00:12:38]And all right, bro, you got it. We serious. No one sees this. No one finds this even slightly concerning. This dude out here moving like me. None of y'all know me in real life. You don't know if I could do that or not. To the surprise of no one, the Eagles end up winning the game. The celebrations don't linger for too long though as something happens that causes concern for everyone both on the field and watching from the stands.

[00:13:11]Bro, it looks like he got assassinated.

[00:13:13]Bro, this is hilarious. A few minutes prior, the military were at Mr. Harley's house chopping it up with the cops about the burglary earlier. One of the dudes there, however, was watching the game on his phone. And once Mr. Harley recognized some of the moves Albert was doing on the field, he instantly put it together that that was in fact the missing android they've been searching for. He also puts it together that he's dating his daughter. This then all leads to what we just saw with the lights going out and all the hysteria breaking loose. Anyone used to watch that show, hysteria? Now, this is when Gabby lays everything out for May and gives her the full truth about how her dad works for the Pentagon and how Albert is an android super soldier. Surely, this will be enough to convince May to leave it all alone. Right. Right. After they arrest Black Sigma, the military plus May's dad locate the two girls and bring them to their lair. At first, they get chastised for their actions, but eventually the general dude lightens up, realizing that their intentions were purely romantic. To be honest, he probably should have dapped Gabby up for figuring out how to crack the Pentagon.

[00:14:15]They could probably use someone like her low key. The girls also get a rundown on what happened to Albert. Turns out Black Sigma was able to temporarily turn him off using an electro pulse device.

[00:14:24][music] While they ended up getting locked up, Albert was turned back on by the military and sent on his original mission, which was to protect the world from threats. He's even doing a bunch of other stuff like building schools and whatnot. Trying to be LeBron so bad. He seems to be doing a lot of good for the world. Surely Nay would have a reasonable reaction to this.

[00:14:43]>> Albert would never leave me. This is all A MISTAKE.

[00:14:46]>> A MISTAKE? A mistake? You just found out all the amazing things that this dude was able to do for the entire world. And you think all of it was a mistake? He's a robot. They just mentioned that he was able to get shut down and rebooted and you still want him. What kind of dudes are you into? Who's your celebrity crush Rodney Copperbottom? Why would Disney make someone like May as a main character? There's clearly something wrong with her psychologically. Usually Disney Channel movie characters have understandable and relatable motives behind their actions, but May is just horrible. Mitchie from Camp Rock wanted to fit in, so she lied about being famous. That's fine. May, on the other hand, is so desperate for a boyfriend that she is willing to be in a relationship with a robot after finding out that he was a robot and is literally telling the military, the people who created him, that they're wrong about what he's supposed to be used for. Like, he don't got a missile built into his arm or something. This girl is something else, bro. Out here falling in love with Symbionic Titan. Give me a break.

[00:15:52]>> All's fair in love and war.

[00:15:53]>> I wouldn't know, sir. I've never seen action in either.

[00:15:56]>> Hey, I got you. I ain't no robot either.

[00:15:58]I'm the real deal.

[00:15:59]>> But wait, aren't you a >> Shut up. Honestly, if I spent time getting mad at everything that May says and does after this, then this video would be like 40 minutes long. So, let me just skip to the meat and potatoes of it all. Basically, May goes to homecoming anyway, and what do you know?

[00:16:14]This clanker pulls up anyway. Because of this, the DoD pull up to grab Albert, but Mr. Hartley doesn't want them to ruin his daughter's homecoming. I don't give two shakes of a BLAND DONKEY'S TAIL ONE ME WANTS.

[00:16:26]>> WELL, I do. If you ruin her night, I quit.

[00:16:29]>> Boy, you better stop acting so tough.

[00:16:31]I've seen the movie, bro. You're sweeter than grandma's cookies. Stop it. The military decide that in order to keep their best robotist happy, they should probably do what he says. So, they're going to make sure May gets the happy ending to her homecoming that she's always wanted, including the kiss. They start out by stuffing the boxes to make sure she wins prom queen, which doesn't make Naa very happy. Matter of fact, she gets so mad that she decides to go up on stage to expose Albert as a robot, something she found out earlier in the movie while everyone was yelling and screaming after the power went out after the game. The thing is though, no one believes her, so they all kind of just go back to hanging out and dancing. We then find out that Jaden actually did like May and wanted to ask her to the dance to the shock of Gabby. Turns out little miss knowit all doesn't actually know it all. If you remember earlier in the movie, she was pretty dismissive of the idea that Jaden could ever like May because they just don't seem like they're from the same worlds. But what Gabby didn't realize is that sometimes worlds collide. Gabby goes to apologize and shares that the reason why she was so dismissive is because she was worried about losing her best friend. Yeah, whatever. I don't care how this movie tries to spin it. This entire situation was ridiculous. Thanks to a bunch of props and even some hired singers, the military are providing quite the romantic setting for May's homecoming.

[00:17:43][music] making her first kiss the perfect kiss.

[00:17:46]But then >> to extend it more and more.

[00:17:54]>> Oh, Carmelo was going to take a shot.

[00:17:57][laughter] >> Smart decision, Melo.

[00:17:59]>> What do you know? May finally came to her senses and realized that her first kiss being with a robot would be kind of crazy. So, she backs away and tells Albert that she's satisfied with her care. Dude realizes his mission is done.

[00:18:12]And so he begins the self-destruct sequence and May just kind of stands there like an idiot watching this dude begin to explode. Like yeah, she was the one that told him he could self-destruct, but it's not like she knew how that worked. That drone could have been instant, meaning she would have been blown to smitherines. I kind of wish that happened, too. At least then the movie would have a happy ending. [laughter] I'm sorry, I'm not actually this mean.

[00:18:35]But instead, May gets with Adam Smasher and Gabby unfortunately realizes that she has a crush on Bart. It's weird, I know, but I'm tired of commenting on this movie. So, I need to relax, take a lunch break, and get back to y'all for this outro.

[00:18:52]How to Build a Better Boy is quite possibly the dumbest movie I've ever seen, and I've seen some dumb ones.

[00:18:58]Y'all know this. This one is just stupid all around. It's so bad that I'm going to start with the good stuff first. One, Ashley Art. Two, this joke.

[00:19:13]It's an honest >> three. For the most part, China and Mlan's character throughout the absurdity of the movie, she was the only thing keeping things real with May.

[00:19:24]There's literally a scene in this movie [music] where May is talking about how despite the fact that dude is a robot, she still wants to be with him. And Gabby straight up is like, >> "Did you hear a word they just said?"

[00:19:36]>> And when I saw that, I was like, "Yes, thank you, Gabby. never wanted to dap up my TV so bad before. I think they just went a little too far with May as a character to make anything that happens matter. None of the emotional or sad moments work because she's a very unserious character that I just cannot at all root for. [music] Like, am I supposed to want her to be with this robot? I also just don't know how good a concept like this could be, especially for a kids film. Even Weird Science, the movie this was inspired by, became quite the polarizing film because the concept in general is just kind of weird.

[00:20:11]Granted, a Disney movie would never go the route they did, but I just can't see how a movie like this would really fit the Disney Channel original movie mold of trying to teach kids a lesson by using characters made to be relatable.

[00:20:22]Part of May is relatable, I'm sure, but the biggest aspect of her, it definitely isn't. Aside from the main plot, this movie just has your standard cliche Disney Channel original movie characters that they all have nearly 20 years after the channel started making them. And it's clear that they just had no interest in shaking anything up. I'm curious with Camp Rock on the horizon how many of these common tropes and cliches will end up carrying over.

[00:20:45]Speaking of tropes and cliches though, now should probably be the time to mention that like most decoms, this movie had a few original songs made for it. One of them is called Something Real by the two main leads of the movie, China and Telly. So, if you're having a hard time remembering a Kelly Berglin music career, that's because one doesn't exist. The only song that she has on her Spotify page is this one, and Disney never really tried to give her much else outside of this. A lot of that is due to her being on the Disney XD for her entire career, and they didn't play that game. But it's really funny how as soon as she transferred over to Disney Channel for a bit, they put her straight in that booth. I'll tell you what though, they didn't do her any favors putting her on a track with China and MLAN brush. She's one of Disney's elites. Like like Kelly's all right, but China, y'all know. The song is pretty average though. It doesn't hold a candle to some of the other decom songs out there. Neither does the Sabrina Carpenter track entitled stand out.

[00:21:43]Overall though, hate to disappoint anyone that likes this movie. But unfortunately, How to Build a Better Boy is uh kind of mid. Not even mid. It might honestly just be the worst decom that I've ever seen. Though, I still haven't seen Zap. And apparently, that one is horrible. Don't plan on covering that one for a while, though. I got to regain some of my sanity back first.

[00:22:01]What I want to know, though, are your thoughts on the movie. Please feel free to let me know in the comments below.

[00:22:06]Check out my Patreon if you want to see content earlier than everyone else and subscribe to my second channel, Simply Titstalgia, for more of me. I'm also on Tik Tok and Letterbox, so give me a follow on there as well. And like always, I am Mr. Nostalgia and I'm out for now.

[00:22:24][music]