Internalized misogyny within the LGBT+ community

[00:00:00]The whole argument that femininity in men is something that is wrong will never [ __ ] make sense to me. There is absolutely nothing wrong about me being feminine. My femininity as a man does not change or dictate my capabilities as a human being. I can quite literally serve the country in a full face of makeup and hair to my ass. There's nothing about that that physically stops me from doing the same things a masculine man could do. However, the traits and characteristics that femininity encapsulates are things that literally all humans harbor within themselves or can literally take on themselves. There is nothing wrong with a man being feminine. There is nothing wrong with a man wearing a skirt. There is nothing wrong with a man wearing high heels. There is nothing wrong with a man wearing the color pink. There's nothing wrong with a man going to the nail salon to get his nails done. These are all just things that are heavily associated with a woman or girl. If we actually de-compartmentalize masculinity and femininity as a unit, we will find that these are things that all humans should have within themselves. All humans should have things such as nurturing, caregiving, and cooperative. All humans should work towards being strong, self-sufficient, and assertive regardless of sex. To cut this video short so I'm not just yapping for 300 years, femininity and masculinity don't mean [ __ ] Being female doesn't mean being feminine. Being a male doesn't mean being masculine. It's a fine line between biology and social constructs.

[00:01:05]Biology is not determined or defined by things that are socially perceived.

[00:01:33]Hello guys. It is Mar back with another video and like I always say, don't be scared to fall because you may fall into a better situation. I like to feel like I'm a part of that better situation.

[00:01:41]You're already here, so you might as well subscribe. And without further ado, let's get into today's video essay.

[00:01:52]Filmophobia.

[00:01:54]I've read before someone may only have enough empathy for themselves. While this should be false, it seems likely true.

[00:02:02]At least these days.

[00:02:04]Gay men are still raised as men in societies that teach male dominance.

[00:02:08]Because they are not attracted to women, some incorrectly believe they cannot perpetrate sexism and may act with a sense of entitlement. Living in a patriarchal society explains the disdain for femininity and why it has made its way into every community. In result, it influences the belief of all individuals, no matter your sex or gender, creating this hierarchy of grading femininity while placing masculinity at the forefront and everything after, giving birth to misogyny. Passing as straight is valued. Being seen as a feminine in any way is viewed as an embarrassing stereotype by a lot of people, including queer people. Being anything but 100% stereotypically masculine is viewed as weakness, which is why Pop the Balloon isn't my cup of tea, not because of its purpose, but because of the femphobia that's often showcased throughout the participants of said show. But what exactly is femphobia? It's a type of misogyny that is aimed at women's characteristics, judging someone based off their proximity to femininity. But everyone has feminine characteristics. This is why misogyny also affects everyone outside of women. Ironically, a community of acceptance finds it hard to accept others. Am I surprised?

[00:03:28]The queer community is quick to condemn religious people that tell gay men they can only be loved if they stop being gay. But it's just as damaging to be told by your own, "No one will ever love you if you aren't palatable or if you're too gay."

[00:03:44]I'm tired, but let's watch a TikTok of Duran Bernin talking about his experience with femphobia within the community while dating. He then talks about where these ideas come from and why they exist within the LGBTQIA+ community and also outside of it. The degrading of femininity under the guise of preference.

[00:04:05]>> Did you experience femphobia in the dating space when you were single?

[00:04:10]>> Absolutely.

[00:04:11]I've I've I've had a guy tell me like as far as us being intimate that he couldn't see me >> [music] >> like penetrating him. Like you ain't going to be throwing no glitter on my back.

[00:04:22]>> Woah.

[00:04:24]>> Glitter?

[00:04:25]>> [music] >> Really?

[00:04:30]>> Yeah. It's like just it's it's the constant attack on who you are as a person. They they are they are seeing you as one way thinking that that would translate in this area. It's not always the case.

[00:04:42]But we have we're we're we're obsessed with this fantasy.

[00:04:48]And for what?

[00:04:49]>> But do you know where it stems from, right?

[00:04:51]>> Mhm, the hatred of women.

[00:04:52]>> And anything feminine.

[00:04:54]>> So even Okay, so we got to talk about who who raised a lot of us. Okay. We also got to talk about that.

[00:04:58]>> Yeah.

[00:04:58]>> We're we're in these straight households.

[00:05:02]There [snorts] are there are boys that are raised to not be men or not be decent human beings, but they're taught how not to be like girls.

[00:05:12]>> Correct.

[00:05:13]>> So they grow up they they're they're conditioned to hate anything that is soft, that is feminine, that is Yes, and that >> translates. Not I mean they already hate women.

[00:05:22]You can you can be straight and and still hate women. Like doesn't mean you're not sexually attracted to them.

[00:05:27]It just means that you do not as as a person you don't view or value them as a human being.

[00:05:34]So that has bled its way over into our community.

[00:05:39]Where it's like no, we need somebody manly cuz anything girly I don't like that. He can't satisfy me. That's not I just it's just my preference. No, it's not just preference.

[00:05:49]conditioned The patriarchy gives us this idea of what a man and a woman should be. These ideas of man and women [music] live on within the queer community. So, that gay man and that queer woman can also sometimes be just [music] as misogynistic. They can still hate parts of themselves and project that same hatred onto others while being [music] feminine themselves. Not always initially, but mainly as an insult or through preference. Whether it's a woman who resorts to degrading other women for the things she also is or a gay man [music] degrading another gay man for his femininity, it all comes back to misogyny, which is just femininity.

[00:06:29]Some queer individuals have [music] this obsession with being palatable for others because to most the goal is acceptance.

[00:06:36]This creates this push to blend in from some queer individuals, affecting the authenticity of our community, which contradicts what it is we stand for.

[00:06:44]Such a way to be progressive [music] while also being regressive, right?

[00:06:49]Internalized misogyny isn't always known to oneself. Sometimes it sits quietly in the back of your mind until it's time to use it against someone. Months ago during an online altercation between Raymond >> [music] >> "Noob" and Saucy Santana, Raymond resorted to being femphobic towards Noob, demeaning his femininity in an attempt [music] to assault him, which it doesn't make sense considering they're both feminine.

[00:07:12]But somehow these insults make sense to Raymond. And why is that? [music] Because this is exactly how deep the patriarchal beliefs run. It makes sense to Raymond to point out the things in Noob he may struggle to identify with.

[00:07:24]These claims can be perceived by someone who struggles with their femininity as an insult, but they actually aren't.

[00:07:30][music] The things Raymond said weren't bad qualities to have, but he used them as an insult to Noob [music] because of his internalized femphobia. He would most definitely be someone who denies being too gay, but find it fun to degrade someone else's femininity. That I simply do not subscribe [music] to.

[00:07:47]Because though it is a senseless insult, that insult could also apply to me. And it shows how subconsciously I view the femininity I also have within myself.

[00:07:56]Even in moments of anger, you begin to understand how someone perceives the things they possess. Anger doesn't justify senseless insults that perpetuates misogyny. Do you really stand on what you say if in a moment of anger you can use it as an insult? I believe otherwise. You can argue nothing is off the table when it comes to an insult, but we have to understand how this alone feeds into femphobia within and outside of the community. That this will eventually come back to all of us.

[00:08:23]Because yes, we also shape how people treat, talk, and see us as a community, which is why it's harmful.

[00:08:32]Let's talk about misogyny within preferences. Some would say masc attraction is preference when dating, but why are preferences being treated like requirements? Preference and expression of femininity is simply misogyny. Someone's level of femininity doesn't confirm their personality, morals, or character. Just as someone's level of femininity doesn't confirm their sexual position. There is nothing wrong with being attracted to someone who is masculine or feminine, but understand [music] that whatever you're attracted to doesn't confirm they're the best option for you. It just confirms what your attraction is. And that doesn't mean you can't be attracted to other things within another person. It's like a guy who isn't the best looking, but his personality is like no other.

[00:09:15]Understand that everyone has masculinity and femininity. It doesn't make sense to require either. So this attraction some are so focused on limits their possibilities of finding their person.

[00:09:26]The patriarchy and misogyny is just fear of change and keeping things the same.

[00:09:31]Those who have misogynistic traits view femininity as less than masculinity.

[00:09:36]Even though a gay man is perceived to be feminine, he still can harness the same hatred, just as a woman can also be misogynistic to other women.

[00:09:44]Misogyny is conspicuously an effect of the patriarchy, but that doesn't exempt the queer community from experiencing it. Some individuals are simply perceived to be feminine, therefore they still will experience a level of misogyny, which is why dating in the queer community can be quite [music] difficult. Carrying a purse, doing your makeup, acting like a woman, are all things that are looked down upon by most. Being able to blend in as a gay man grants you more access, access to more spaces, access to more romantic partners, because so many of us subscribe to the patriarchal beliefs without even knowing it. So, it influences their preferences, their judgment of others, and their overall perception of femininity itself. Trans women take a lot of the heat for this, while transgender men become an afterthought in most conversations, including conversations like this one.

[00:10:33]But, just because trans men receive less pushback, doesn't mean the misogyny they experience is invalid. There is still misogyny a trans man can experience once he makes it known he was once a woman.

[00:10:44]The hatred always comes from the same place. Like women amongst the straight community, trans women will experience misogyny because of their proximity to femininity, transphobia. There will always be someone who seeks to shrink others' femininity, because that is what the patriarchy is. You'll even see some trans women be misogynistic to other trans women, even at the cost of their own femininity.

[00:11:07]Straight men can also experience a level of hatred, but it's for being feminine, not for them being masculine, which shows how misogyny ties back to everyone in different ways. Some gay men can hate trans women for being women for the same reasons a man can hate a woman for being a woman.

[00:11:23]>> [music] >> Of course, there can be other reasons, too. But, with trans women being perceived to be more feminine, it creates an experience in dating that is unique to trans women. Gay men and trans women often seek the same men, [music] whether it be DL, straight, or gay. This is where the competition can stem from.

[00:11:41]The competitive nature of love will sometimes lead queer individuals to transphobia, >> [music] >> femphobia, misogyny, and fatphobia as an insult, showing how deeply misogyny has gone. There is also a level of femphobia trans women can have towards gay men, too. Because of the commonality in options when it comes to a partner. This can lead to trans women also being femphobic to gay men. It could be that some gay men see something in her he doesn't accept in himself. Maybe she is the woman he wishes he could be, or wishes he could reach. Because at the center of all phobias is simply femininity, which in so many ways is just misogyny.

[00:12:21]Listen, I don't give a [ __ ] what nobody say. The gays are not beating the femphobic allegations. Y'all are not.

[00:12:28]These [ __ ] will literally go follow you on Instagram, or whatever social media platform they find you on, and they'll follow you because they think you look good, or whatever. But here's the thing, when they get to liking your photos, they're going to like all of your masculine type [ __ ] and y'all know how we give it up sometimes. Wife beater on, muscles out, fitted cap, serious face. Oh, baby, they going to heart all of that [ __ ] But as soon as they see some soft fem presenting type [ __ ] the girls get disgusted. They get disgusted.

[00:12:59]They will not like it, they will not comment. It's like It's like you never even [ __ ] posted the [ __ ] And y'all [ __ ] are not slick. I see what the [ __ ] y'all be doing. And it's funny to me at the end of the day, but it also makes me ask this question, which is like, why do gays get so turned off when they start seeing [ __ ] leaning to their femininity? Like, what y'all so scared of, or what y'all so disgusted with?

[00:13:21]Like, I don't I don't get it. I know everybody has a preference, so this ain't no preference conversation, but it's really like on some real [ __ ] What's the problem? The problem is gay men initially see men as a partner instead of as a person. Preference is what you prefer, not require. Requiring someone to be masculine and then treating those who are other than that differently is not getting you closer to anything. It's simply just limiting your options. Like a straight man who only scouts for women he's interested in and uses the same logic for female friendship. [music] Gay men can also internalize the same mindset whenever he sees another man. Gay men find it hard to find friends >> [music] >> because sometimes we see every man as an option before we see him as a person.

[00:14:06]Only approaching men we're attracted to and we look over the rest, which is why a lot of gay friendships >> [music] >> begin romantically and then become platonic. This also carries into social media as well. Feminine presentation is incomparable to how masculinity is viewed. Neither masculine or feminine individuals should be looked down upon, but gay men require masculinity. So, it makes sense why the masculine look gets the most attention. But, have we really reduced our attractions down to one look? Even when a man looks masculine, he can [music] be femme. But, when a man looks feminine, we never believe that he can be masculine. The misogyny in preferences is making the things you prefer in a partner a requirement. The fat boy you look over could be all the things you want and more. The femme boy who wears makeup and nails could still be masculine. Your attraction is only your attraction. [music] There's always more to a person to be attracted to. So, why stop at the fact that he's fat or femme?

[00:15:03]Masculine men want the masculine men.

[00:15:06]Masculine men also [music] want feminine men, but we rarely see femme on femme relationships. It's like nobody wants the femmes [music] but some masculine men, which is why the pool of feminine men is low because feminine gay men and by how we express our femininity in a way that masculinity isn't.

[00:15:27]>> Feminine gay men are not feminine for the sake of heteronormativity. I wish we could finally get this through our heads. Like, I'm so tired of hearing this conversation. Like, I just saw a tweet about Saucy Santana and like it's this routine conversation that always happens around men and makeup and it's always Saucy Santana that has to be the pinnacle of the conversation. I don't know why. I'm sorry, friend, but it this tweet basically was like it was Saucy Santana he had a full face on full beat [music] and a wig on look real tea and the tweet basically said like, "Oh, he would be so fish if he would just like get rid of the beard."

[00:15:55]Have you ever thought that maybe he doesn't want to be fish? Have you ever thought that maybe like some people want to be maybe just androgynous like me. I like to be androgynous. I don't necessarily want to be fish. Have you ever thought that maybe people can be feminine and incorporate femininity into their style in their own [ __ ] way?

[00:16:08]>> [music] >> Like, are we dense? Like, I'm so tired of seeing this conversation and it always comes from it's coming from both like cis women and like other gay men which I don't get and I don't understand why we are like imposing like traditional ideas of masculinity and femininity that are rooted in heteronormativity onto homosexual men in homosexual spaces. Like, please like it's really giving like oh, which one of you is the girl in the relationship?

[00:16:31][ __ ] neither. I thought we understood this by now. Like, please and like I especially don't understand it when it comes from other gay men because it comes from the same people who always preach about the femphobia that's rampant in the gay community and [music] yet you're policing other gay men's femininity. Like, how that works?

[00:16:46]>> One thing I like for you to notice.

[00:16:48]Notice how no one ever judges someone for how they express their masculinity.

[00:16:51]If you require masculinity or someone to be thin, [music] that is not a preference. That is a requirement. Preferences are things that you prefer and are willing to [music] compromise on. Requirements are non-negotiable. If you require a masculine man, >> [music] >> ask yourself what exactly is unattractive about femininity?

[00:17:10]>> All night you doing [music] night trips [singing] to wherever feels right.

[00:17:14]Doing it all just a fair exchange.

[00:17:16][music] >> [music] >> Damn.

[00:17:28]You [music and singing] you you know that's not the way to get over me.