Dr. Umar Johnson Reveals the Real Purpose of Marriage | Counsel Culture Show

[00:00:00]Most men of today's age are especially when they've already established who they would like to be and you know built their world or to to be as financially secure as they need to be or as we call a successful man look to the institution of marriage of like why would I do that? We have brothers like 50 Cent say I made a lot of mistakes but I've never made that one or and when we think of what the institution of marriage is, how does it really benefit today's successful man to make you say all right, I do want to dedicate myself to one woman that you know, we so we can both be deemed high functioning.

[00:00:42]>> I would say in response to that that I agree.

[00:00:47]A man, a very successful man in this age of overnight divorce has a lot to lose getting married.

[00:01:02]However I think the reason why we still have to consider the union is we have to reflect on what the purpose of marriage is in the first place.

[00:01:14]And marriage is a institution where we regulate the conduct and intimacy between men and women to make sure that the products of those unions which are the children are raised in a structured environment so that they become psychologically healthy individuals who can contribute to the maintenance and perpetuation of the community as opposed to being agents of its destruction.

[00:01:44]>> Right. So marriage is necessary to guarantee that children are being raised in the safe spaces that they need to become the healthy individuals that the community depends upon to further itself.

[00:01:59]With that being said, we don't necessarily get married because it is good for us, but we get married because it is good for the community.

[00:02:11]With that being said, in her conversation with brother Cam Newton, and his people reached out to me recently, so I may have this conversation with him as well.

[00:02:24]But, in Dr. Bryant's, Dr. Cheyenne's conversation with brother Cam, he said, "My fear of divorce exceeds my desire for marriage."

[00:02:41]And he said, and I may be paraphrasing a little bit here, that he was taking his time to find the right woman to build with.

[00:02:52]>> Mhm.

[00:02:53]>> And Dr. Cheyenne, rightfully so, saw that as a contradiction, and she went right in.

[00:02:59]>> Right, right.

[00:03:00]>> And she said, paraphrasing, "How can you be patient about looking for the right woman, but you're impatiently making all these children with unmarried women?"

[00:03:13]>> Mhm.

[00:03:14]>> In other words, if you're going to take your time and find a woman, slow [snorts] down and take your time with impregnating them as well.

[00:03:22]>> Right.

[00:03:25]>> To that point, I understood her point. Now, here's where the irony comes in, and I'mma bring it back to you for a question.

[00:03:33]>> Right.

[00:03:34]>> Cam Newton flipped it.

[00:03:37]And he said, "Okay, you're evaluating and criticizing the fact that I have eight children by three different women.

[00:03:43]>> Right.

[00:03:44]>> And I still want more children, >> Right.

[00:03:46]>> even though I'm being patient in finding my mate.

[00:03:49]>> Right.

[00:03:51]>> But, you're 41, and haven't had any children.

[00:03:58]To what can we attribute your behavior?

[00:04:01]>> Right.

[00:04:02]>> Here's the irony.

[00:04:04]Her answer to Cam was exactly Cam's answer to her.

[00:04:10]She said she was taking her time.

[00:04:14]So, I'm looking at this as a psychologist, right?

[00:04:18]And then Cam comes with another question.

[00:04:21]He says, "What age or how young can your potential mate be?"

[00:04:29]She mentioned 26, 27.

[00:04:34]I said, as a therapist, bingo.

[00:04:39]I said, "I know why Dr. Cheyenne Bryant isn't married."

[00:04:44]Dr. Cheyenne Bryant has a fear of abandonment.

[00:04:48]And the reason why a 26, 27-year-old spouse possibly would be appealing to her is she could parentify herself in that relationship, where she becomes the mommy and the mate.

[00:05:03]And in being the mommy and the mate, I'm able to coddle my young partner.

[00:05:08]And in doing so, I get to control his behavior, therefore preventing the abandonment that I fear.

[00:05:19]When I looked at her conversation with you, you asked her the same question as well.

[00:05:24]>> Yeah.

[00:05:24]>> Well, what about you?

[00:05:26]And she talked about how she almost jumped the broom four times.

[00:05:31]>> engaged four times.

[00:05:33]>> So, once again, my therapy lights went off, and I said, "Here it goes again."

[00:05:39]The reason Dr. Bryant never managed to jump the broom on those four occasions is because her abandonment issues that she honestly put out there are so strong that she has a tendency to want to over control her mate as a means of preventing the abandonment. And in her over control of these men who do not want to be over controlled she either pushes them away or they leave of their own volition because they don't like the manner in which she wants to control the relationships.

[00:06:15]>> Look at these doctors doctoring on doctors.

[00:06:17]>> Here's the point that I'm making [laughter] though.

[00:06:20]And this is in all love to Dr. Bryant cuz she's brilliant. I love my sister.

[00:06:25]I believe that Dr. Cheyenne Bryant is quite possibly the same personality type as Nick Cannon and Cam Newton. I believe that all three of you >> [laughter] >> are serial monogamists with narcissistic tendencies.

[00:06:45]>> Wow.

[00:06:47]>> First of all, serial monogamy and narcissism go together. Go together.

[00:06:52]Because when you look at the narcissist grandiosity >> Yeah.

[00:06:57]>> uh too important to commit one's emotional resources.

[00:07:02]>> Mhm.

[00:07:03]>> uh to not want to invest invest emotionally.

[00:07:12]When I look at a woman that beautiful without a child the marriage I can understand is slim pickings for sisters. That beautiful without a child uh-uh that was deliberate.

[00:07:24]>> Mhm.

[00:07:24]>> And I believe that she may be an example of one of our sisters who says they're waiting for the right one.

[00:07:34]But may not necessarily be waiting for anyone at all.

[00:07:37]>> Mhm.

[00:07:38]>> But because it's expected of me as a black woman to get married I need to have a justification for why I am not.

[00:07:45]The question that I have for you, brother Nick, do you think that you attract women who are very much like you?

[00:07:57]Because the expectation of emotional investment is very minimal from those women. In other words, they're fine with us going half on a baby. And we're going to raise this baby together.

[00:08:10]Beyond that, I'm not looking for much more from you, bro. That's the sister.

[00:08:14]>> Right, right.

[00:08:15]>> Right?

[00:08:16]Do you think that you may attract women who are looking for minimal emotional investment from their partner?

[00:08:28]Because if she expected that, you would be forced to move out of your comfort zone and actually have to experience, without reserve, what it really means to be intimately involved and emotionally responsible for a woman.

[00:08:50]>> Absolutely.

[00:08:51]Um but I say that in the sense because I think the institution of marriage Mhm. is no longer valued at that level for >> But even if it's not, that doesn't necessarily have to do with you and the way in which you engage.

[00:09:11]>> Yeah, but I like I said, because the type of women that I'm normally around or attracted to are usually, you know, as we call them, the independent woman, the woman that's on the grind, the boss, the one that's about hers, and even like cuz again, it's very interesting cuz I'll I'll I'll take you back. Um we all have stages of life.

[00:09:35]>> Mhm.

[00:09:36]>> I was at a certain stage in my life a few times early on where I wanted to do it in a traditional setting the right way. I was the the the young Christian brother, you know, early 20s that wanted a relationship to work so much that I was willing to be celibate with my partner and and do uh you know, >> Mhm.

[00:10:01]>> pastoral counseling and you know, we going to do the >> Cuz those situations didn't turn out the way you wanted them to, did you put a prison around your heart?

[00:10:11]>> Oh, absolutely. That's exactly And then that's what I said and that that's early stage. Then I get to a stage where I feel like I actually got it right.

[00:10:18]>> Okay.

[00:10:18]>> I got married to my dream girl. I'm living the life in which I want to live.

[00:10:24]And then when life continues to happen, you then as cuz speaking from experience, I'm like, oh, wow. I thought I had it right and I still [ __ ] it up.

[00:10:34]>> Okay.

[00:10:35]>> Still it still didn't work out for me.

[00:10:37]>> Right. And so at some point >> Now as a man in his 40s, >> Uh-huh.

[00:10:41]>> I'm looking to the So the women that I now am currently attracted to most likely not going to be someone who still has those aspirations, hopes, and dreams as the the young ladies I was looking to in the >> doing though?

[00:10:53]>> And I'm not looking at the the 20-something year olds. I'm not looking at the >> in the 40s.

[00:10:58]>> But at that they're going to come with some life. They're going to come with some >> Right.

[00:11:02]>> some experiences or what we call >> wanting love though.

[00:11:06]>> I I don't think but I don't think love and marriage actually go together. I mean no, they don't have to go together.

[00:11:12]>> They don't have to go together.

[00:11:13]>> Yeah, marriage is a >> a woman who still wants love, are you able to reciprocate or are you at a point in your life where there should be no expectation of the woman you meet for emotional reciprocity? Is Nick Cannon still able to reciprocate emotionally or are you beyond that? And if you are beyond that >> That's an interesting question.

[00:11:34]>> Do you communicate that honestly to the woman you date?

[00:11:36]>> Absolutely. I mean like I said >> So you tell them I'm beyond emotionally available.

[00:11:41]>> You tell them that.

[00:11:42]>> I said you know what I'm emotionally available for? My children.

[00:11:47]>> Why do you say that?

[00:11:48]>> Because they're the ones who need >> Oh, you said emotionally available for.

[00:11:52]>> For my children.

[00:11:53]>> Okay, you didn't say you were not emotionally available for children.

[00:11:55]>> The only people that I am emotionally available for are my children. At least the the priorities.

[00:12:02]>> The priority is fine, but when you say only, you're saying you have no emotional availability for them.

[00:12:07]>> emotional because I I because I'm cuz again then we have to define the emotions because I going back to being a hopeless romantic, I love the idea of being in love and the I but to actually on a a level of I'm dedicating all of me to all of you I'm I'm not in that space to to be able to give my all to >> yourself a hopeless romantic?

[00:12:32]>> Cuz the and the yeah, absolutely because >> Because if you still consider >> of it romantic. Now I'm talking about I'm talking about sending flowers. I'm talking about the the road the intimacy aspect of it, but not the actual work. I understand that hopeless romantic is a surface feeling. I get that.