Punishment and Humiliation Rituals (It is NOT what you DID it is WHO you ARE)

Added: 2026-05-18

[00:00:02]about humiliation rituals. On this channel, I often discuss how humiliation rituals um relay some sort of message and often times those messages can be a um related to a punishment, right, or some sort of retaliation. And so in this video, I'm going to be discussing three things that humiliation rituals punish people for.

[00:00:32]And I'm going to talk about them within the context of a high control relational system. For those of you who don't know me, my name is Dr. Felia and I'm a licensed psychologist. And on this channel, I talk about high control relational systems, which is um a term that I've coined that basically describes systems in which the main um avenue of interaction is um high control. uh and on top of that I also talk about some of the ways in which these systems hide these types of behaviors that can be abusive and also um manipulative. Okay, so back to the question at hand. Um I have several videos on humiliation rituals. I have a whole playlist. So if you're not familiar with how I discuss them within this context, I'd encourage you to watch them.

[00:01:29]Humiliation rituals, especially um when you have noticed that either you or other people are going through them repetitively often times are related to punishment.

[00:01:44]If you think about it, a high control system um diad family dynamic whatever are rarely ever going to come out and announce that here is why you're being punished. If they did, that would open debate and that would also I mean when I say open debate I'm talking about it in the sense of like you can you know push back right remember when people are controlling they often um will disguise the truth and disguise um what they're actually doing which is why humiliation rituals unfortunately work so well because they hide in ritual and routine.

[00:02:23]Back to the concept of punishment going to talk about three things that you are punished for um in a humiliation ritual.

[00:02:31]They all begin well they actually all don't begin with a different letter.

[00:02:35]This or they will begin with the same letter. Okay, I'm going to use um the first letter is a. Okay, so the humiliation ritual punishes you for your authenticity.

[00:02:48]When I talk about authenticity, I'm looking at it from the perspective of being yourself unapologetically.

[00:02:59]Okay? And so somebody who operates in authenticity does not play the game to fit in. And to a high control system, that can be very threatening. That's why they often say that people who are scapegoed in um like difficult or controlling family dynamics are often known as the truth tellers because they are either they will tell the truth verbally but often times they tell the truth by their behavior and refusing to conform. Okay. So um so if you think about there was I don't even remember the name of this the animal but he was in if if you watch my um discussion about animal farm you'll remember but he was the donkey that was um next to Boxer and I would say he was a you know pretty authentic character in the sense that he and Boxer was as well they speak more through actions than words and so if you have been on the receiving end of a humiliation ritual, it may have been due to the fact that you refuse to perform for the system.

[00:04:14]Okay? And that's really important. It's also important to remember that humiliation rituals and high control systems are very um sensitive, I would say. And so there doesn't have to be a real threat. If there is a perception of a threat, if there's perception even that the threat could be forming, this is the kind of reaction that you may get. And again, that's done to regulate power, relay a message. Okay. So, a authenticity and that basically is being yourself. Second one is B for boundaries.

[00:04:55]Boundaries are to protect yourself. Think about how a high control relational system operates.

[00:05:05]They are there to try and control you.

[00:05:08]You are there to protect yourself.

[00:05:12]And you may wonder, well, how does that even like come about?

[00:05:17]The people that do the best with boundaries are the ones who communicate them through their actions and not their words. Anybody can say that they have a boundary, but the boundary is most understood when it is done in the form of an action. And I would even argue that the less explaining you do, the better in if you are in one of these systems. Okay. When people have boundaries, when they exercise their agency, it is a threat because that means they can say no or they can choose not to go along with the agenda. Okay.

[00:05:54]So, we've talked about authenticity. We have talked about boundaries. Another thing too about um humiliation rituals or the way these high control relational systems operate is that the message that they relay often is that boundaries are bad. Okay? Instead of looking at it as something that you are doing to protect yourself, they look at it as insubordination, disrespect, whatever the bad language that they want to use to describe you, selfish, whatever is what that boundary is construed as. Another thing that is threatening to actually for the the system is you are using that boundary to protect yourself. I often tell people um you know when I uh do one-on-one work with them or even just you know maybe giving a talk or whatever that you cannot um you know if you are coming from a high control system or dynamic you know they're out there trying to control you do not want to use boundaries to try and control other people right and so even though that may not be someone's intent if they are looking at the action of well if I do this boundary then this person's going to do this you've lost already because you can't control what someone else does. You can only protect yourself and regulate your own behavior. Which goes to the next one which is the letter C and that is basically self-control, right? Being able to control yourself and a high control system that is a threat to that system because think about it they're controlling. They're trying to control other people. What happens? are trying to um regulate power and concentrate it and use it for the purposes that serve you know the ring leader or that small group of people.

[00:07:43]When you control yourself that is a threat because now you cannot be used.

[00:07:48]Your energy can't be manipulated or exploited. I'll probably talk a little bit about that more later but remember that perceptions are both inconsequential and very important at the same time. That's why I always tell people you have to have what context and nuance to understand what is happening and what I'm talking about on this channel and to engage meaningfully with my content. If that's something you can't do or you're not willing to do, find another place, not here. Um, so when I talk about how perceptions are both inconsequential and important at the same time, think about it this way.

[00:08:26]The the way the system perceives you is not something that you can control. But at the same so that's why it's inconsequential right you know who you are but at the same time it's very important because perceptions are manipulated to control other people.

[00:08:42]Systems like this often times work very well because the ring leader or whoever is like behind the system or the people behind it set something in motion and then people end up regulating themselves right and not in a self-control way.

[00:08:58]It's more about regulating in favor of the system. So whether that's like causing division purposefully, snitching on people, um you know, just doing whatever they can to show that they are valuable to the system. That means that the system has to do less work. So imagine now you are using your time and your resources to show discipline and to control your own emotional reaction.

[00:09:22]Well, they can't really use that against you. They can try. They can use propaganda and stuff like that, but when they try to destabilize you or get you to have this kind of like unhinged or unleashed um emotional reaction in front of them, they're going to use that against you. And that's something that's really important to understand. You know, I've gotten some some interesting comments about people that, you know, people will say that they don't feel that that's being um even authentic to not have a big emotional reaction in front of people.

[00:09:54]In this kind of system, you got to do what works best for you. If that's something you want to do, that's your choice. I'm explaining though that knowing the way these systems work, that's often times used to undermine your credibility, your emotional stability, and things like that. And so that's why I recommend, hey, have a safe place, have safe, you know, people or whatever it is that you do that you can um process those difficult emotions.

[00:10:21]Just don't do it in front of the system.

[00:10:22]Don't give them ammunition against you.

[00:10:24]Okay? Now, nobody's perfect and I'm sure that you know there are times where we probably be like, "Oh, maybe I shouldn't have reacted that way." It's fine. This is learning and this is doing what works best for you. So, again, ABC is being authentic, being yourself. Boundaries, right? Protecting yourself. Control, controlling yourself. Okay? So when you know yourself and act accordingly, when you protect yourself and when you control yourself, those are all threats to the system because they want control over you and they want control over your time, energy, and resources because they see that as an entitlement. So um that being said, um you've got the info and now the next steps and choices are yours to make. I hope you have a wonderful day that is filled with peace. Bye-bye.