African and African American Women debate Marriage

Added: 2026-05-31

[00:00:00]The first prompt is African women face more social and family pressure to marry than African-American women. Three, two, one.

[00:00:13]Okay, anyone can share. Anyone who feels strongly about this can share.

[00:00:18]It's definitely more pressure over here [laughter] >> because it's like once you're done with college, why are you single? [laughter] Like you have one job, get that degree and get married.

[00:00:28]>> Two jobs. But the main one if you [laughter] married get the degree if you need to.

[00:00:35]>> I also feel like the way that we're raised too, I feel like they're simultaneously raising us to become wives as well. Uh to learn how to be a homemaker, you know? So, it's that plus also focusing on your studies. As soon as that's done and out the way, the career is built. Where's your husband?

[00:00:53]>> Where's your husband? [laughter] >> Where is your husband?

[00:00:57]But yet you're not allowed to date.

[00:00:58]>> Exactly. Exactly. Yeah.

[00:01:00]>> But you're supposed to be married by the time you're done with school.

[00:01:03]>> Make it make sense.

[00:01:03]>> That's the story.

[00:01:04]>> Excuse me. Did you say that you cannot date?

[00:01:06]>> I mean, let me >> It's not encouraging.

[00:01:09]>> Let me explain. Let me explain.

[00:01:10]Especially for like the Nigerian culture, right? I feel like >> we're very also very heavy in religion.

[00:01:18]So all that sex outside of marriage, all of that, they kind of frown down. They look down on it. So they want you to like focus on your studies. Don't talk to boys. Oh, you hear your like, don't talk to boys. Focus on your studies. But >> they expect you to still be married by the time you're done with your degree.

[00:01:33]So, it's like >> the pressure for us is I think especially when you're a girl or a woman, >> it's so strict. Like, you got to be married before 30. There's an unspoken pressure. I mean, life is changing now.

[00:01:48]Times are changing, but I feel like it's still there. I mean, >> yeah, >> by the time you look at 25, everybody married.

[00:01:56]>> I feel like in my family specifically, like >> um the women in my family had children very young. So, they actually discouraged me from any of that. They say, "I would rather you live your life and go towards your career >> and if you like find that, that's cool."

[00:02:14]I like I don't really get pressured about it. I mean, I get teased like you got a boyfriend or you know, [laughter] but it's not like why aren't you married, >> right?

[00:02:23]>> You know, so interesting.

[00:02:25]>> I can say the same for me like coming from what I call a black family in America. Like nobody's really pressing you about getting married. They're just making sure like don't bring no knucklehead over here. So, and they really do press like going to college, going to get a career, like being successful on your own. And my aunties are always saying have that money in your back pocket because you can't trust no man kind of idea which is sad. I kind of think that it's more valuable kind of what you talked about. It's like oh we're teaching you how to be a wife and we're valuing marriage. Although I think the pressure might be a little bit too much. I think it's nice to know that the core foundation is family because I think that's what makes someone successful is having a strong family unit.

[00:03:04]>> Oh my gosh, that's good.

[00:03:05]>> Yes, that's beautiful.

[00:03:06]>> I also think uh marriage in Africa is looked at as prestige. Yeah, >> it's a privilege. Um, and everyone in the community for you to be married is is looked at as success.

[00:03:20]Um and here it's not in in America it's different because they people encourage you to leave your life >> to you know just see how things uh test the waters how they >> but if you are married you know in in Africa are the marriages successful like is there a high rate of divorce like it is in the US?

[00:03:44]>> It's definitely high. I ain't going to hold you.

[00:03:46]>> Okay.

[00:03:46]>> You guys were we're all from different parts of Africa. I'm not going to speak for everybody, but like it's still high in Nigeria. I just the thing is that people are not legally filing.

[00:03:56]>> They're leaving.

[00:03:58]>> They're leaving separate lives.

[00:03:59]>> They carry on.

[00:04:00]>> The man will go AND MARRY ANOTHER WOMAN.

[00:04:02]THAT'S WHAT I THEY'RE just they're not it's not registered, >> but they're not together.

[00:04:07]>> Okay.

[00:04:08]>> Because they, you know, there's strict rules. It's like if you're married then you're married and and you cannot marry another woman because that would be bigamy you know like in the states they can't you know run around and do that >> different cultures allow it >> but I was going to say even from your culture you said that your moms you know are teaching you how to be wives and how to keep a good house in the US as a little girl you're raised that way too your your parents are my mom anyway and especially coming from the south >> you know they're teaching you how to cook number one clean.

[00:04:41]>> Absolutely. [laughter] >> You know, do that laundry and work.

[00:04:48]>> See, so it's not like, oh, when you get this husband, then, you know, you're going to live this life of luxury. It's like, no, you're going to have this career as well >> and kids, [laughter] you know, so it's all loaded. Our society puts that on you too, you know, and looks at women like I'm not going to say today because right now this is what 2025 >> so things are changing.

[00:05:17]>> But I'm going to say in the let's say in the 60s, in the 70s, and even in the 80s, you know, they're like, you know, even if you went to college, well, you haven't found a a a prospect for a husband. [laughter] Well, what are you going to do? you know, and now I believe women now are just like, I don't need a husband.

[00:05:40]>> I just want to add to something my sister said on this end, right? You talked about status and how marriage elevates your status in Africa.

[00:05:47]>> It's when you're here in America, you can be single and still, you know, you might hear commentary, it's not that deep, >> right? The way life is in Nigeria, I'm telling you, when you enter certain rooms with a man, you can feel the difference. Your respect level is different. People listen to you more.

[00:06:05]It's still a man's. It's really heavy on being a man's world. So women a lot of the times are looking for husbands for protection, for security, for that financial stability. It's the the the economy, the way the whole country is set up, [laughter] that man is there to give you a softer, better life. It might not be the case behind closed doors, but outside to the public, everybody else, you have that leader and that protection. It's just you feel it instantly. I was just in Nigeria last year. I went for business.

[00:06:39]Nobody cared that I was a business woman coming there for what I was doing because anytime I went somewhere, it's there take they would take longer to bring my food. The difference was clear when my male friends were with me where it was like guy bring that food now >> 10 minutes food is at the table but when I'm there I got to >> wait till the waiter can you know what I'm saying like it's not that when I go to Nigeria and I'm with a man I don't I don't even look at a bill like it's different like you feel the society leaning towards like you oh you're you're just a you're on a higher rank because you have this man and God help you let him have some money >> right >> really soft [laughter] >> and I I think even too like the prevalence of like arranged marriages in your guys' culture like that in it of itself signalizes like it signifies like the importance of marriage where like African-American women like personally for me my mom is Japanese my dad is um African-American like even though he did definitely press like okay where's your husband he's not sitting here like trying to actually find me a husband you know so yeah >> okay I haven't heard a lot from you >> yeah I mean I put no because I didn't grow up in um very strict African household and that's like not very common as an African person. Um but yeah, like it was more so like you know do your studies if you want to date date but be careful. It was very like free and I appreciate that because I can't relate to a lot of the things that a lot of African people go through and like the households. But yeah, I think my mom has a very open-minded is lean's very American I would say, but she's like an African woman. She's African. But yeah, it's just I can't really relate, but I definitely agree and see it happen a lot. It's a big thing in African culture. Are you 30 plus?

[00:08:35]>> I'm 21.

[00:08:36]>> Okay. I was going to say, >> yeah, your age is >> wait a little longer. [laughter] >> Okay. Okay. I do have a question for the ladies in the African side.

[00:08:46]>> Do you feel that there's an expectation for African women to submit more in relationships or face stricter gender roles than African-American women?

[00:08:56]>> Absolutely.

[00:08:57]>> Is that in the USA or just in the >> um in the USA? I guess you could >> Absolutely.

[00:09:03]>> Absolutely.

[00:09:05]>> Absolutely.

[00:09:06]>> I feel like if if they know that you're African >> and because they've heard that African women know how to submit, they expect that from you and um it just makes the whole dynamics just go a little bit off.

[00:09:19]>> Mhm.

[00:09:20]>> But yes, um yeah, it's expected. Are there any examples of the ways that an African man or his family would expect you as a wife to behave that may be different than maybe African-American experience?

[00:09:36]>> Oh my gosh, I hate to be the one talking all the time, but I'm going to have to jump in here. I remember dating this one guy and um you know, when I first went over to see his parents and everything, it was great because they were like, "Oh, okay. You know, you finally brought somebody that makes sense." It was good.

[00:09:53]And you know, they cooked for me.

[00:09:54]Everything was great, right? I'm thinking, "Oh, this is a different experience." I'm thinking I'm in here and it's soft. Next time I come, they're looking at me like, "Oh, okay. Where are you from?" I tell them where I'm from and they're like, "You know, you're going to cook." Cuz I'm from Aquaomb in Nigeria. And they're like, "You know, you're going to cook that edong," which is one of our like very well-known soups in Nigeria. So, I'm like, >> "Yeah, but my parents are chefs. I don't you know >> and they're looking at me like so I'm just like all right I felt that instant pressure already to prove myself like >> okay yes I can I can be a good wife to this man but why >> why ain't he cooking for me turn came to come to find out later on he couldn't cook [laughter] and that was one of my deal breakers I had to let him go but you know it just for me it's like you can feel that on they want to act like oh it's all good but there's still these that you know >> expectation [clears throat] Yeah. Can she >> take care of him?

[00:10:53]>> It's annoying.

[00:10:54]>> Is there anything you would like to add to that [clears throat] or anything that you've experienced?

[00:10:59]>> So, on the African-American woman's side, I think we have a bad rap in America. I think people already know that if they get with a black woman that's from America, don't expect no submitting. [laughter] Don't expect me to be quiet just how I'm talking now because I'm going to talk to [laughter] you. You seen Angela Basset in that lovely uh movie, >> Waiting to Exhale.

[00:11:23]>> You can expect that you will not be cheating on me after 11 years of helping you out because your car is going to blow up. Now, I just really think that that's kind of been a stereotype, but there is a little truth to it. We are raised to be independent. We are raised, as she said earlier, to have a job, do all these things, and raise the kids and do that. So, if that's going to be the case, I'm not putting up with no mess.

[00:11:45]So that means if you're not acting right, if you're not talking right, if you're not something's not right, I'm I can speak up for myself. But I think it also gives us kind of like a bad stereotype in that way. It's like, oh, there's she's going to give me some black attitude. [laughter]