NIGHT STAND - American Addiction

Added: 2026-05-22

[00:00:02][music] [applause] [music] [music] [applause] [applause] >> Thank you. Thank you very much. Folks, do you take pills because you're sick, because you're too fat or too thin, or because you're sad? How about right before you go on camera in hopes of making yourself more attractive?

[00:00:29]Well, if you do, you're not alone.

[00:00:31]America has a pharmaceutical problem.

[00:00:33]Pills are everywhere. Just to prove it, we've asked our studio audience to give up their narcotics of choice.

[00:00:40]You can see Mueller's back there collecting the drugs from these people right now. And if you're wondering what we're doing with this contraband, one of our assistants is going to take it all downtown and give it to the homeless.

[00:00:50]The people who can't afford their own drugs. Folks, you've made a difference tonight. GIVE YOURSELVES A HAND.

[00:00:55]>> [cheering] [applause] [applause] >> OKAY, OUR FIRST GUEST IS A MODEL {SLASH} actress who admits she once used a lot of alcohol {slash} drugs. But now she's a crusader {slash} advocate {slash} naturalist {slash} guest. Please welcome Blair Royale. Give her a hand.

[00:01:19]>> [applause and music] [cheering] [applause] [music] >> Blair, welcome to the show. Now, before we get to all this serious junk, I got to tell you I love your movies. You're one of my favorite sexy film heroines. I mean, I just look at you and I can't help but think about your big hits.

[00:01:44]Dick, they weren't that big.

[00:01:45]>> Oh, come on. You were Steven Seagal's girlfriend in Deadly Blow.

[00:01:50]>> [laughter] >> You were Arnold Schwarzenegger's girlfriend in Dead Meat.

[00:01:54]And Sylvester Stallone's girlfriend in I'm going to rip off your head and shoot down your neck.

[00:02:00]Unfortunately, it was that film where I did my own stunts. And by stunts you mean practical jokes like pull my finger, rubber poop, that sort of thing?

[00:02:08]Don't look at where we do the action sequences, the jumps, the fights, the falls.

[00:02:13]>> Uh-huh. In fact, I did a fall off a roof and that was the start of all my cervical problems. Really? My card says you had back trouble.

[00:02:21]I did. And because of that, they prescribed morphine. Ah.

[00:02:26]So you were a heroin on morphine.

[00:02:29]Then what happened?

[00:02:31]I got hooked on it, Dick.

[00:02:32]So my so-called doctor put me on painkillers. But then I gained weight and so he gave me diet pills, but then I couldn't sleep. So I started taking sleeping pills and of course that got me to be severely depressed and so this doctor to the stars prescribed antidepressants.

[00:02:49]Ah. And all this time when you're on the antidepressants, and the morphine, and the sleeping pills, were you dating anybody?

[00:02:58]>> [laughter] >> What does that have to do with anything?

[00:03:01]I mean, I could have been with dozens of men. I wouldn't have even remembered.

[00:03:05]What about women?

[00:03:08]Dick, I was an addict. I was totally dependent on these drugs. They were all legally prescribed to me by a licensed physician. Uh-huh. Okay, so you're addicted to drugs, but you had no work and your money ran out.

[00:03:22]I was forced to perform sexual favors for drugs. Mhm.

[00:03:27]And would you perform these favors in a hotel, in a car, or right there in the pharmacy?

[00:03:33]Dick, look, you've got to listen to me.

[00:03:34]I was just another junkie getting my drugs from street dealers.

[00:03:37]>> So no longer the big Hollywood star, you had to buy your drugs on the street just like the rest of us.

[00:03:46]And you blame all your problems on this doctor, is that right? That's right.

[00:03:51]Mhm. So how did you manage to beat off your addiction?

[00:03:59]>> [laughter] >> OH, NO.

[00:04:03]NO, PEOPLE.

[00:04:06]WELL, I met a Chinese herbalist. Dick, do you know what Chinese herbalist do?

[00:04:11]No, but I love these. What does a Chinese herbalist do?

[00:04:15]Chinese herbalist work with all natural substances.

[00:04:20]That's the punchline?

[00:04:22]He told me that the only way I could really get off drugs was cold turkey.

[00:04:26]You know what? You just mentioned cold turkey and maybe realize I didn't have lunch today. Mueller, could I get some cold turkey for lunch? Like the day after Thanksgiving, you know, you take the cold turkey and the taters and the gravy and you mix it all up.

[00:04:41]I'm sorry, you were saying.

[00:04:44]It was the most difficult thing that I've ever done in my life, but with the help of all natural substances and acupressure, I managed to become drug-free and I have never felt better in my life.

[00:04:55]>> Ah, HOW ABOUT THAT, HUH?

[00:04:57]>> [applause] >> You deserve A BIG HAND.

[00:05:03]>> [applause] >> NOW, YOU MENTIONED ACUPRESSURE. FOR THOSE OF YOU who don't know, acupressure is a type of weather report given by certain TV stations.

[00:05:15]For those of you who do know, acupressure is an ancient form of healing using the body's various pressure points.

[00:05:21]>> Would you like me to give you a little demonstration? You know what? I I I don't think we have time, but you know what? Um Take all the time you need. Take all the time you need. Come on up here, Dick.

[00:05:32]Now, take your shoes off, all right?

[00:05:33]>> shoes off. Well, I'm glad Mueller gave me his odor eaters.

[00:05:37]>> [clears throat] >> Let's let's see what happens. Put your foot right here.

[00:05:41]>> Okay, I'll put my foot up there.

[00:05:43]>> All right. Now, all right. When I touch your foot here, >> Yeah. you should feel it right here.

[00:05:49]>> Yeah. Yeah. And when I touch you here, you should feel it in here.

[00:05:54]>> Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Let me ask you, is it too soon to ask you to touch the balls of MY FEET?

[00:05:59]>> [laughter] >> NOT AT ALL.

[00:06:03]NOT AT ALL.

[00:06:05]WELL, THAT'S ODD. WHAT? I don't seem to be able to find the ball of your foot.

[00:06:10]>> [laughter] >> No, it's in there. You just got to dig for it.

[00:06:14]Oh, god, MY FOOT LOVES YOU. OH, OH, don't stop.

[00:06:16]>> Wait, there it is. All right. All right.

[00:06:20]I bet that released a lot of pressure for you.

[00:06:22]>> foot feels so great. Was it good?

[00:06:25]>> Oh, was it good? It's so good, my foot's falling asleep. Do you want me to wake it up and do it some more? Uh, no, no, my foot's pretty happy. My foot just wants you to GO HOME NOW.

[00:06:34]>> [laughter] [applause] >> BUT NO, DON'T DON'T DON'T DON'T DON'T DON'T LISTEN TO DON'T LISTEN TO MY FOOT.

[00:06:43]I WANT YOU TO STAY, OKAY?

[00:06:45]WELL, BLAIR, maybe you're right. Maybe natural is the way to go. But you know, some people think drugs are the only answer. And I'm not talking about crackheads or junkies. I'm talking about a doctor. And we're going to meet him when we come back.

[00:07:01]>> [applause] [music] [music] >> Are you in the witness protection program and would like to come on TV and tell your story?

[00:07:15]>> [laughter] >> If so, give us a call.

[00:07:24]>> [applause and music] >> We're doing it tonight, folks. Thank you. Welcome back. We're talking to Blair, a successful actress {slash} performer who became a dope {slash} addict.

[00:07:36]Now, Blair, you blame all your addictions on this doctor. Is that right? That's right, Dick. He filled full of prescription drugs. But fortunately, I realized that you can cure most diseases with homeopathic treatments. And by homeopathic you mean enemas, suppositories, and those those special thermometers that make me happy to be sick?

[00:07:56]>> [laughter] >> No, Dick. Homeopathic means a system of medical practice that treats an illness by giving it very small doses of a remedy that would in a healthy individual produce symptoms of the illness treated.

[00:08:10]Uh I believe that's what I said.

[00:08:13]Um Anyway, you blame this doctor for everything. Tell us about him. What should I tell you? I mean, this guy is a disgusting, pathetic excuse for a human being. He's a quack. He should be in jail.

[00:08:25]>> Well, I'm glad you feel that way because he's on our show tonight. What? That's right.

[00:08:30]>> I'm going to be sick. Really? Would you like me to take your temperature?

[00:08:35]No, you know what? Just bring him out here. Let's get this over with.

[00:08:38]>> Haha, that's the attitude. Our next guest believes that prescription drugs are the answer to everything. He's the author of the best-selling book Turn Your Head and Cough.

[00:08:49]PLEASE WELCOME DR. NICHOLAS GRECHEN.

[00:08:53]>> [applause] >> NOW, DR. GRECHEN UH PLEASE, PLEASE. Call me Dr. Nick. Dr. Nick, okay. Now, uh Dr. Nick, before we get to the Grechen formula for success, um >> [laughter] >> what are your credentials?

[00:09:16]Well, I got a degree from State Tech. I went to medical school at City College, and I did my residency at General Hospital. Oh.

[00:09:25]Now, you've heard the sad tale that's come out of Blair's Naturally Pouting College and Free Lips.

[00:09:30]How do you respond?

[00:09:32]Dick, all I can say is most of my patients are living better lives through chemistry.

[00:09:37]>> Ah, well, I happen to have a list of your patients right here. Let's see, there's Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, John Belushi, River River Phoenix. Boy, you really are the doctor to the stars.

[00:09:49]Dick, they're all dead. I mean, he's nothing more than a pusher.

[00:09:53]I am a licensed physician. You're a podiatrist.

[00:09:58]You know what? All you want to do is sell people your synthetic drugs so that you can get them hooked. That's what he did to me. Ah, what about that, Dr. Nick? Do all your patients get hooked?

[00:10:08]Well, some, yes. But fortunately, if you're addicted to drugs, hey, I've got a drug for that, too.

[00:10:16]I mean, if you can change your life or even just improve the quality of your life with one little pill, why not do it? I mean, it's not like we're all out there operating heavy equipment.

[00:10:28]>> [laughter] >> Now, Blair, I understand that your drug addiction clinic, Blair House, you treat people by using orgasmic remedies.

[00:10:38]>> [laughter] >> No.

[00:10:41]Dick, that's organic remedies. Yeah, like All right, like rotten berry tea.

[00:10:46]It would do the same thing as his tranquilizers would do, but without being addictive.

[00:10:51]Well, do you have anything natural that would make me feel like I just drank a six-pack of Zima?

[00:10:56]>> [laughter] >> But Dick, alcohol is also a drug.

[00:11:00]Yeah, right.

[00:11:03]Dick, it's perfectly clear that her career is on the decline, so she decided to jump on the anti-medicine bandwagon.

[00:11:09]Well, you're darn right I am, but my career has nothing to do with this. You ruined my life. And you know, I don't want to see this happen to anyone else.

[00:11:17]But Dick, drugs can optimize human performance.

[00:11:22]And I have here with me now a brand new product which contains all the necessary daily requirements of antidepressants, sedatives, stimulants, muscle relaxants, and mood elevators all in one convenient, easy-to-swallow packet. It's called BRAIN CHOW.

[00:11:40]>> [applause] >> IT SHOULD BE CALLED BRAIN DEAD.

[00:11:51]I don't know, Blair. Brain Chow is pretty catchy.

[00:11:54]Yes, sir. You want to say something?

[00:11:57]>> [clears throat] >> Why you stop, Dr. Nick? Because your prescription drugs may be doing a great deal of damage to certain financial interests.

[00:12:04]>> Ooh. Where you from, señor? What do you do? I'm from Colombia. I have a small cartel.

[00:12:10]I'm sorry, señor. Your English ain't no good.

[00:12:14]In this country, we call it a motel. You see, you take an automobile into a hotel, it becomes a motel, not a car not a cartel. Dick, it's a cartel, you know?

[00:12:24]Small family business.

[00:12:26]>> Okay, fine. It's a cartel. You're wearing me out. So, what do you offer in this cartel? What do you have? A complimentary muffins, coffee in the lobby, free HBO? Estupido!

[00:12:34]WE PROVIDE DRUGS.

[00:12:36]>> [laughter] >> BUT YOU CAN'T PROVIDE muffins and HBO?

[00:12:42]Dick, don't you see? I mean, this quack is no better than that guy with the cartel. All he wants to do is sell his drugs so that he can make money.

[00:12:50]>> Well, it's only the weak-willed that become hooked.

[00:12:53]>> Oh, you're calling me weak-willed?

[00:12:54]You're the quack. You're the one that got me on the drugs in the first place.

[00:12:57]Hey. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

[00:12:59]Okay. Okay. OKAY. OKAY. OKAY. OKAY.

[00:13:00]OKAY. OKAY. OKAY. OKAY. OKAY. Calm down.

[00:13:02]I know how to settle this. I know how to settle this. Now, Dr. Nick, are you willing to stand behind your product Brain Chow?

[00:13:08]>> You bet I am, Dick.

[00:13:09]>> Okay. And Blair, you say these synthetic drugs are dangerous and can lead to death or worse, bad side effects.

[00:13:18]Dick, if his drugs can do half of what he says they can do with no side effects, I would kiss your ass right here on national television. YEAH!

[00:13:27]>> [cheering and applause] [applause] >> WELL, SUDDENLY THIS HAS BECOME A SWEEP SHOW.

[00:13:36]>> [laughter] >> OKAY, FOLKS, when we come back, somebody in this studio audience is going to swallow some pills and take the Brain Chow Challenge. Mueller, get Dr. Nick some water and Blair some lip gloss.

[00:13:47]WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[00:13:49]>> [applause and cheering] [music] >> CAN YOU TOUCH YOUR TOES WITHOUT BENDING OVER? If so, give us a call.

[00:14:03]Hey folks, did [music] you know you can get dick on the World Wide Web? Cruise on by.

[00:14:11]Next on Night Stand, center folds and hot sex. Oh yeah, and armalicious. Are military camps manipulating our future mothers? You tell me you had all this sex and you never got pregnant? That's right. Our host with the most is sure to get the answers. What are you doing Saturday night?

[00:14:26]>> [laughter] >> Then, is the comedy community cursed?

[00:14:29]All those comics dying, your club, murder.

[00:14:33]Huh? Find out if this woman has been currently killing comics. That's good comedy. On the next Night Stand with DICK DIETRICH.

[00:14:41]>> [applause] [music] [applause] >> OKAY, FOLKS, WE'RE BACK. WE'RE ABOUT TO TAKE A LITTLE drug test. Now, let's see a show of hands. Who in the audience would volunteer to experiment with drugs by swallowing this packet of Brain Chow?

[00:14:57]Oh my gosh, everybody. Well, you know what? We we don't have enough to go around. So, it looks like I'm sorry. Looks like Mueller and I are going to be the Oh, Mueller and I are going to be the guinea pigs. Oh, I should be politically correct. We're going to be the Italian-American pigs.

[00:15:11]Okay, what have we got, Dr. Nick? Well, there are two packets of Brain Chow here. One contains the actual Brain Chow, while the other, nothing more than harmless sugar pills.

[00:15:20]>> Okay, folks, now just a reminder, don't try this at home. Dr. Nick is a trained podiatrist.

[00:15:25]Okay, let's go. Give me something to swallow. We're going to take these? Yep.

[00:15:29]Okay, Mueller, let's wash it down with a little Chardonnay. IT'S GOODY GOOD GOOD.

[00:15:33]HELLO. YOU ARE ERECT, SIR.

[00:15:36]FOLKS, I want to tell you, that's part of our comedy act, which we'll do for you if you invite us to a party.

[00:15:44]Okay, let's take this, Mueller.

[00:15:50]Okay.

[00:15:52]Okay, Doc. How long until this drug takes effect? Well, it varies according to the individual, Dick. It could be anywhere from a couple of minutes.

[00:15:58]>> Woah!

[00:16:00]Did anybody just see a cow fly through here?

[00:16:02]>> [laughter] >> And how are you feeling, Mueller?

[00:16:05]Really no different. I don't feel any enhancement. Well, maybe you should take your hands out of your pants.

[00:16:14]>> [laughter] [laughter] >> No side effects, huh? A certain percentage of those tested do experience a certain euphoria, while while others report feeling A SLIGHT PARANOIA.

[00:16:34]>> [laughter] [screaming] >> ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT? IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR insidious drugs have taken effect.

[00:16:44]So, why don't we just get on with this experiment, all right?

[00:16:46]>> Okay. Come over here. Dick, can you just come right up here and join us for a little test? I'M FLYING, WENDY. I'M FLYING!

[00:16:54]It's Never Neverland. Look, the people LOOK LIKE ANTS.

[00:17:02]FAR OUT GROOVY STUFF, DOC.

[00:17:04]I'M TRIPPING.

[00:17:06]>> [laughter] >> FIRST, we'll begin with a simple visual perception exercise. Now, we're going to show you both various drawings, and you just simply describe what you see.

[00:17:15]Mueller, let's start with you.

[00:17:19]Yes, sir.

[00:17:20]That's a butterfly, possibly a monarch.

[00:17:24]And Dick, what do you see? Oh boy, this is going to be tough. Um I'll take Egyptian folklore for 50.

[00:17:32]Try to focus.

[00:17:33]>> No, no, now Dick, tell us what you see.

[00:17:35]Huh?

[00:17:37]Pat, could I buy a vowel?

[00:17:39]>> [laughter] >> Okay, let's move right along over here to the motor skills task.

[00:17:44]>> you're blowing it, Dr. Nick. You're making a fool of yourself on national television.

[00:17:49]Okay, gentlemen, right here we have two plastic canisters with holes in them.

[00:17:54]>> Oh good, it's lunch. Uh and then no No, Dick.

[00:17:59]You're to put as many of the blocks into the holes as quickly as you possibly can. Now, you'll both start at the same time. Are you ready? Yep. Begin.

[00:18:12]Are you having trouble, Dick? I'm warning you. Don't eat the brown acid, man.

[00:18:21]It's Country JOE AND THE FISH. GIVE HIM THE F.

[00:18:25]NOW NO NO, NOW PLEASE, DICK, TRY to concentrate here. What are you talking about, man? Don't mess WITH ME, MAN.

[00:18:31]I'LL CUT YOU. I'LL CUT YOU, MAN. YOU'RE MESSING WITH ME CUZ I'M BLACK. DON'T MESS WITH ME, I'LL CUT YOU. I'LL CUT YOU. WHAT? DON'T TOUCH ME. DON'T TOUCH ME, THE RATS ARE ON ME. GET THE RATS OFF ME. GET THE RATS OFF ME.

[00:18:45]GET THE RATS OFF ME.

[00:18:46]>> [laughter] >> LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO HIM.

[00:18:54]I MEAN, look what these drugs have done.

[00:18:56]When is he going to come out of this? He can come out of this anytime he wants.

[00:19:00]He took the placebo.

[00:19:02]>> [laughter] >> I took the what? Mueller got the brain chow.

[00:19:10]MUELLER GOT THE BRAIN CHOW? YOU GAVE ME A PLACEBO. WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?

[00:19:15]POISON ME? YOU DON'T GIVE PEOPLE PLACEBOS. WHAT KIND OF SICK ANIMAL ARE YOU? I DON'T LIKE LET'S GO TO COMMERCIAL. I can't handle this. This is crazy. So, JUST GO TO COMMERCIAL. I CAN'T SWALLOW. [applause] I CAN'T [cheering] SWALLOW.

[00:19:31]GO TO COMMERCIAL.

[00:19:33]>> [music] >> ON THE NEXT NIGHTSTAND, WE'LL TALK about deja vu. On the next nightstand, we'll talk about deja vu.

[00:19:48]>> [applause] [music] >> Thank you.

[00:19:55]Folks, we're back. I apologize. This placebo I've taken has given me an incredible case of the munchies. Well, folks, what have we learned tonight? Well, we've learned that when it comes to putting things in my body, I'm going to listen to Blair here and take the homo path.

[00:20:11]And as for Dr. Nick and his placebos, kids, if somebody offers you a placebo or wants to sell you a placebo, just say nah.

[00:20:19]Oh, sure. They'll try to tell you that placebos don't have drugs in them or if you don't take them, you're not boss or groovy or keen. But, trust me on this.

[00:20:26]Placebos are not cool. Cuz you take a placebo and the next thing you know, you'll find yourself eating chips and >> [clears throat] >> being cradled by a large-breasted starlet.

[00:20:36]You don't want to end up like this. It's a no-win street. For now, I'm Dick Dietrich in the sky with diamonds.

[00:20:43]>> [applause and cheering] [music] [applause] [music] [cheering and music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music]