In P.G. Wodehouse's 'Ring for Jeeves', the character Captain Biggar explains the 'code' of white hunters: a poor man must not propose marriage to a rich woman, as doing so would cause him to lose his self-respect and cease to 'play with a straight bat.' This code represents the rigid social class boundaries and moral expectations that governed relationships between people of different economic backgrounds in early 20th-century British society, where class distinctions were considered fundamental to maintaining personal dignity and social order.
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Audio Play - RFJ - Martin Jarvis - Ian Oglivy - Rufus Sewell - Joanne Whalley - Jamie BamberAdded:
And Whistler's mother disputing it now.
Highland Prince being pressed now by Whistler's mother on the stand side.
This Whistler's mother just the leader.
Then comes Take It Easy. [music] >> Ring for Jes PG Woodhouse. Dramatized [music] by Archie Scottney. Starring Joanne Wally, Rufus Sule, Glenn Hedley, and Ian Ogulvie with Jamie Bamber as Lord Rooster and [music] Martin Jarvis as Jeth. And there'll be a photo finish for third and fourth place. But there's no doubt about the winner. Whistler's mother. Whistler's mother. And a very strong race.
>> Captain Captain Big. Woohoo. Is that you?
>> What? Sorry. Mingi.
Pardon my sweet. Well, simmer me in prune juice. Mrs. Spots. Oh, the messab.
I thought you were in America. Well, I just stopped off at this charming old inn for gin and tonic. Cheers.
>> I see.
>> I'm over here from New York for a visit.
[clears throat] >> I remember you lived in California or one of those places.
>> Yes, I have a home in Pasadena, in Carmel, too, and one in Manhattan, and another in Florida, and another in Maine, >> making five in all.
>> Six? I was forgetting the one in Oregon.
>> Six? Well, nice to have a roof over your head, of course. Sure, but one yearns for something new. I'm thinking of Roster Abbey. I met Lord Roster's sister, Lady Calm, in New York. She said her brother might be willing to sell.
I'm on my way there now. But what are you doing in England, Captain?
>> Oh, I thought I'd take a look at the old country, dear lady. [laughter] Long time since I had a holiday. And you know the old Swahili proverb. All work and no play makes Jack a pay bar pomb.
Amazing how things have changed here. No idle rich if you know what I mean.
Everybody's working.
>> Extraordinary, isn't it? Lady Carm tells me her husband is a floor walker at Heritagees and he's a 10th baronet or something.
>> Staggering. Why? Tubby Fisher in the dock won't believe me when I tell him.
>> Who?
>> A couple of pals of mine out in Koala Lumpa. They'll be astounded.
>> Two points in my head.
>> But I like it. Straight bat. What?
>> I beg your pardon?
>> A cricket term, dear lady. You've got to play with a straight bat. Or let's face it, you don't play with a straight bat, if you see what I mean.
>> I suppose so. Do sit down, won't you?
>> Oh, >> talk to me, Captain Bigger.
>> Well, there it is, Rory. All 147 rooms of it. I must say the old pile doesn't look too bad. But then houses like Roster Abbey often look their best from outside and half a mile down the drive.
>> Pile of junk milk place looks moldier every time I see it.
>> I know, but poor old Bill can't afford to run a castle on a cottage income.
>> Why doesn't he get a job like the rest of us?
>> You needn't stick on side just because you are in trade, you old counter jumper.
>> Bill's big mistake was letting that American woman get away from him.
>> American woman? And Mrs. Bessemer, a widow. He met her in K one summer.
Fabulously rich and according to Bill, unimaginably beautiful. Seemed promising for a time. Of course, he was plain Mr. Belelffrey then, and not my lord Roster, which may have made a difference.
>> The trouble with Bill is he lacks drive.
The thought we see so much of at Harajes. The will to win. Napoleon had it. I have it. Bill hasn't. Oh well.
What would you say, Rory, if I told you I was hoping to sell the house?
>> Sell it? You couldn't give it away. Too damp.
>> It is a bit moist.
>> I remember saying to Bill once, "In the summer, the river is at the bottom of your garden. In the winter, your garden is at the bottom of the river."
>> Oh, very droll. And I suppose the first thing you'll do is make a crack like that to Mrs. Spotsworth.
>> Who's Mrs. Spotworth?
>> The woman I'm hoping to sell the house to. Another American, extremely rich. I met her in New York. She's got a craving to have something old and picturesque in England.
>> Romantic, eh?
>> Dripping with romance. When she told me that, I immediately started giving her a sales talk. She seemed interested. After all, the abbey is chalk full of historical associations >> and mice.
>> Well, here's mud. Captain Bigger.
>> What? As you slide down the banister of laugh, may the splinters never face the wrong way.
>> Oh yes. Cheers. [clears throat] >> To tell you the truth, dear lady, I'm chasing a foe of the human species. I I I must say you're looking a long time since since Kenya camp among the acacia trees. You a vision in Jodpers >> chasing a foe of the human species. He's a blighter of an Epsom bookie and I'd have caught him if something hadn't gone wrong with my ballet car. They're fixing it now at the garage down the road.
>> But why are you chasing this book maker?
>> Blow hound to the dirty army. Chuck with a walrus mustache and a patch over his left eye. Honest patch Perkins he calls himself owes me £3,000 two shillings and six pins plus my original fiverr. And I want it on the oaks. Damn it. But he legged it in his car with me after him.
been pursuing him through the country roads for what seems an eternity. And just as I was on the point of grappling with him, my car broke down. But I'll catch the louse. And when I do, [laughter] >> but how have you been all these years, dear lady? And how's your husband? Oh, I'm sorry.
>> Not at all. You mean have I married again?
>> Well, >> no, I have not married again, though.
Clifton and Alexis keep advising me to.
They are sweet about it. Clifton Alexis.
>> Mr. Bessmer and Mr. Spotsworth, my two previous husbands. I get them on the Ouija board from time to time.
>> I am intensely interested in psychical research. I am hoping for some enthralling manifestation at this roster abbey.
>> Well, I'll bet you flush out a spectre or two. They collect in gangs in these old English country houses.
>> So, this Mrs. Spotsworth was leaving for England next day, and we arranged that she was to come and have a look at the place. She should be turning up at any moment.
>> Does Bill know she's coming?
>> Not yet, but he'll be only too delighted.
>> Poor old Bill. It starts at the bottom of the ladder as a mere heir to his uncle George's eldom and by pluck and perseverance [clears throat] works his way up till he becomes the earl himself. And no sooner as he settled the coronet on his head and said to himself, "Now to woo it up," then they pull a social revolution out of their hats and snits. practically every penny he's got. Well, here we are, reporting for duty.
>> Right. I'm going straight in to tell Bill. By the way, don't expect any staff to come out for the bags. You'd better unload them yourself and bring them in.
>> This is Spotworth. May I offer you another?
>> Oh, no. I must be getting going to >> I can't tell you how delightful it's been meeting you again, Captain Baker.
>> My dear lady. Oh, how how Zori Pendes, how lovely you are. But no, I I I must say no more. I >> won't you come and see me when I get back to London, Captain? I shall be at the Seavoy.
>> Charmed, dear, Lady Charm.
>> Bye, Captain Bigger. Bye-bye.
>> Bye, >> Quiri.
Bye.
But what [clears throat] would be the use? Humble hunter can't go mixing with wealthy widows. Not cricket. Yes, I hear you tubby loud and clear. Remember the code. Many pancong barn rot just about sums it up. Damn it.
>> Monica, darling.
>> Jill, my angel.
>> Oh, my precious smoke.
Is it really you? I thought you were in America.
>> I got back this morning. What are you doing here? I came to attend to Bill's Irish terrier. It's sick of a fever. So >> I picked up Rory in London and we motored down.
>> Bill's out at present. He didn't say anything about expecting you.
>> My allowance gave up the ghost.
>> I say >> ah here's the merchant prince.
>> What have you got in these bags? Yours, old girl.
>> Lead. Oh, >> what?
>> You remember Jill Wyven, Rory?
>> Of course it is. Jill Wyven to be sure.
You haven't a notion who I am, have you?
>> I wouldn't say that. No, >> I'll help you out. You stayed here one summer. I was just coming out then, and I expect I looked a complete expressance.
>> Coming out? The dear old getting ready for the market stage. How it takes one back. Off with the glasses and the teeth braces.
>> On with things that push you in or push you out, whichever's needed.
>> What do you know about it?
>> Oh, I get around in our ladies foundation department.
>> Jill, how did you make out? Has it paid off yet?
>> Paid off? A man, dear, did you catch anything worthwhile?
>> I think he's worthwhile. As a matter of fact, she whom you see before you is none other than the future Countess of Roster.
>> You don't mean you and Bill are engaged.
>> That's right.
>> Since when?
>> Some weeks ago.
>> I'm delighted. [laughter] I wouldn't have thought Bill had so much sense.
>> No, Bill was always more of a lad for the buxom voluuptuous type. There was a girl in the hippodromeome chorus. Ouch.
Steady.
>> Tell me, how did it happen? Well, he was helping me give a cow a bolus. A >> what?
>> Bolus medicine. You give it to cows. And before I knew what was happening, he had grabbed my hand and was saying, "I say, will you marry me?"
>> How frightfully eloquent. This bololis of which you speaking. I don't quite follow. You were giving it to a cow, you say?
>> A sick cow.
>> Why were you giving bololises to sick cows?
>> It's my job. I'm the local vet, fully licensed. We're all workers nowadays.
>> Profoundly true. I'm a son of toily myself.
>> Rory is at Harajes. Really?
>> Floor walker in the hostbite lawn mower and bird bath department. But there's a rumor going to rounds that hints at promotion to the glass fancy goods and china wear. And from there to the lady's underclo is butter.
>> My hero. But Jill, doesn't your father mind you running about the country giving bololises to cows? Jill's father is chief constable of the county. Rory, I should have thought he would have objected.
>> No, no. We're all working at something.
>> [bell] >> Hello. Yes, this is Roster Abby. No, Lord Roster is not in at the moment.
This is his sister, Lady Carmill.
>> The number of his car? It's news to me that he's got a car. Jill, you don't know the number of Bill's car, do you?
>> No. Why are they asking?
>> Why are you asking?
Oh, it's rung off.
>> Who was it?
>> Didn't say. Just a voice from the void.
You don't think Bill's had an accident?
>> Heavens, no. He's much too good a driver. It is always disturbing when people don't give their names. There was a fellow in Harriers, second in command of the jam sauces and potted meats, who was rung up one night by a mystery voice and to cut a long story short.
>> Yes, I will. Save it for after dinner if there is any dinner.
>> Oh, there'll be dinner. All right. It'll probably melt in the mouth. Bill's got a very good cook called Mrs. Peagot.
>> A cook these days? I don't believe it.
You'll be telling me he's got a housemaid next.
>> He has name of Ellen.
>> But nobody has a housemaid. Bill has and a gardener and a wonderful butler called Jeves.
>> Whatever. Jeeves. Why does that name ring a bell?
>> Bertie Worcester. He has a vallet named Jeves. This is probably a brother.
>> No, it's the same man. Bill has sort of leased him.
>> How on earth does Bertie get on without him?
>> I believe Mr. Worers's away somewhere.
Anyhow, Jeeves appeared one day and said he was willing to take office, so Bill grabbed him. Of course, he's an absolute treasure.
>> But does he pay them?
>> Of course he does. He flings them purses of gold every Saturday morning.
>> How?
>> He earns it.
>> Don't be silly.
>> No, he's doing some sort of work for the agricultural board. He just goes off in his car. He's not very good at figures, so he always takes jeeves with him.
>> Well, that's wonderful. I was afraid he might have started backing horses again.
>> Oh, no. He promised me faithfully he would never bet on a horse again. Well, I must be off on my errand of mercy.
I'll see you at dinner. Bye.
>> Bye, dear. So, what do you make of this sudden affluence, old girl? Something fishy going on. It's what's the word?
>> I don't know.
>> Yes, you do. Begins with in >> influential, inspirational, infrared.
>> Inexplicable. That's it. The whole thing's utterly inexplicable. You don't cut a stupendous dash like this on a salary from the agricultural board. I wonder if the old boy's been launching out as a gentleman burglar.
>> Don't be an idiot. Well, fellows do, you know, rattles and so on. What?
Oh, hello.
Google.
All right.
He's out now, but I'll tell him when I see him.
Oak, that was a police.
>> The police?
>> They want to talk to Bill.
>> What about?
>> Didn't say, but they're closing in on him, old girl. They're closing in on him.
>> Jeez. I say Jeieves. Hi, Jeeves.
[whistles] Where are you?
>> You whistled, lord.
>> What? How the dickens did you get over there, Jeez?
>> I ran the car into the garage, my lord, and then made my way to the servant's quarters. If you would hand me your coat.
>> Oh, thanks. I see you've changed, Jeez.
>> I deemed it advisable, my lord. The red-faced gentleman was not far behind us, and may at any moment be calling.
Thank you, my lord. Were he to encounter a butler in a check suit and a false mustache, it is possible that his suspicions might be aroused. I'm glad to see that your lord has removed that somewhat distinctive tie. Excellent for the raceourse, but scarcely vogue in private life.
>> Yes, I've always hated that beastly thing, Jeeves. Shove it away somewhere.
[clears throat] And um the uh jacket.
>> Very good, my lord. If you would be so good as to remove the mustache.
>> What?
>> On your upper lip, Lord. A ginger mustache of the soup strainer type.
>> Oh gosh. Right. Ow.
Here.
>> And the eye patch, my lord.
>> Ah, right.
>> Thank you, my lord.
>> Shove them in the old oak coffer, Jeieves. Should prove adequate as a temporary receptacle.
>> Indeed, my lord.
>> Wait a minute. What did you mean, Jee?
The gentleman may at any moment be calling. I appreciate, my lord, that the thought of a visit from the gentleman who bellowed abuse all the way from Epsom Downs to South Moltenshire is not an agreeable one.
>> I thought we lost him half an hour ago.
>> It is possible that he memorized the number of our car.
>> Oh, hell's bells. Jeez. What do I do if he does come racing along here?
>> I would advise your lordship to assume a nonchulant heir and disclaim all knowledge of the matter.
>> With a light laugh, you mean?
>> Precisely, Lord.
>> How did that sound, Jeez? Barely adequate, Lord.
>> More like a death rattle.
>> Yes, Lord.
>> I shall need a few rehearsals.
>> Several, Lord.
>> You ever seen a jelly hit by a cyclone?
>> No, Lord.
>> It quivers. So do I. Dashed Igninius having to leg it like that.
>> I can readily imagine it, though, as your lordship was several times as severated. You have every intention of paying the gentleman.
>> Of course I have. I intend to brass up to the last penny. It's a case of what, Jeeves?
>> No bless, lord.
>> Exactly. The honor of the roasters is at stake. But I must have time dash it to raise £3,000 two and six.
>> £3,05 two and six. My lord, your lordship is forgetting the gentleman's original £5 note.
>> So I am. You came away with it in your pocket.
>> Precisely my lord. Thus bringing the sum total of your obligations to this captain bigger to >> bigger. Was that his name?
>> Yes, my lord. Captain CG Brabbaser, United Rovers Club, Northland Avenue, London WC2.
In my capacity as your lordship's clark, I wrote the name and address on the ticket which he now has in his possession. The note which he handed to me raises your commitments to 3,5 shillings and six.
>> Oh god.
>> Yes, Lord. Not an insignificant sum.
>> Oh jeez. If this bigger suddenly blows in here, do you think you'll recognize me?
>> I fancy not, Lord. The mustache and the patch formed a very effective disguise.
Nevertheless, after what has occurred, one's entire turf activities must, I fear, be suspended indefinitely.
>> You're right. Show up at the derby tomorrow, and the first person we run into would be this, Captain Bigger.
>> Precisely, >> Oh, if only I'd frozen onto the money we made at New Market. You warned me not to let our capital fall too low.
>> I felt that we were not equipped to incur any heavy risk. That was why I urged your lordship to lay Captain Bigger's second wedger off. In true the probability of the double bearing fruit at such odds was not great. But when I saw Whistler's mother pass us on her way to the starting post, I was conscious of a tremor of uneasiness. Those long legs, that powerful rump.
>> Don't jeal if does catch me bending, could it mean choking?
>> It is a possibility, my lord.
>> And who suggested that I should go into business as a silver ring bookie? It was you, Jeez. But if your lordship will recall, we had agreed that your lordship's impending marriage made it essential to augment your lordship's income. It was when we reached the tease in the classified trade section of the directory that I suggested tough accountant. It seemed a happy solution of your lordship's difficulties.
>> We made a lot of money up to New Market.
>> Yes, Lord.
>> And where is it now?
>> Where indeed, Lord?
>> I shouldn't have spent so much doing up the place. You >> know, Lord, I wonder if I might ask a question. Yes, chiefs.
>> Is Miss Wyvern aware of your lordship's professional connection with the turf?
Oh, >> I should say not. She thinks I'm employed by the agricultural board. She must never learn the truth. Let her discover that I'm actually an incognito bookie and she would return me to store before I could say what. So, if she comes asking questions, >> you may rely on me, my lord.
>> I have a lot of heavy brooding to do.
Jeez, get me a stiffish whiskey and soda.
>> I will attend to the matter immediately, Mor.
Oh. [sighs] Oh, >> heavens. Well, what on earth's the matter? [laughter] >> The matter? I mean matter. Anyway, what do you mean what's the matter? Nothing's the matter. Why do you ask?
>> You were groaning like a fogghorn.
>> Oh, that touch of um I've had rather an exhausting afternoon.
>> Why? Aren't the crops rotating properly?
Or are the pigs going in for smaller families?
>> My chief problem today concerned uh horses. H.
>> Have you been betting again?
>> Me?
>> You gave me your solemn promise you wouldn't. Oh, Bill. I know people are always talking about bringing off fantastic doubles and winning thousands of pounds, but that sort of thing never really happens.
>> Yeah.
>> What did you say?
>> It happens sometimes. I've heard of cases.
>> Oh, come clean, Bill. Did you back a loser in the Oaks?
>> Of course I didn't.
>> You swear.
>> I may begin to at any moment.
>> You didn't back anything.
>> Certainly not.
>> Then what's the matter?
>> I told you. Oh, poor old thing. Can I get you something?
>> No, thanks. Jeez is bringing me a whiskey and soda.
>> Where do you and he go on these expeditions of yours?
>> That we make the rounds.
>> Doing what?
>> Oh, this and that.
>> I see. Bill, there's guilt written on your every feature. For the last time, what's on your mind?
>> Not a thing.
>> You're as carefree as a lark singing in the summer sky. If anything, bother more so.
>> Bill, how do you feel about marriage?
>> Ah, well, I think it's an extraordinarily good egg.
>> Shall I tell you how I feel about it?
>> Do >> I feel that unless there is absolute trust between a man and a girl, they're crazy even to think of getting married.
A husband and wife ought to tell each other everything. I wouldn't ever dream of keeping anything from you.
>> I'm not.
>> You are. A short-sighted mole that's lost its spectacles could see that you're a soul in torment.
>> Damn it all. Don't be such an infernal nosy Parker.
>> I don't know if you know it, but when you spit on your hands and get down to it, you can be the world's premier louse.
>> That's a nice thing to say.
>> And if you want to know what I think, I believe you've gone and got mixed up with some awful female.
>> You're crazy. Where the Dickens could have met any awful females.
>> Well, you're always going off in your car, sometimes for a week at a stretch.
For all I know, you may have been spending your time foned with hussies. I wouldn't so much as look at a hussy if you brought it to me on a plate with water crest around her.
>> I don't believe you.
>> Oh, so what was all that about absolute trust?
>> Hm. Women. My god, what a sex.
>> Watch it, roster. Watch it.
>> Your whiskey and sodom lord.
>> Oh, thank you, Jeeves.
>> Sir Rodrik and Lady Carmil are in the UA asking to see you.
>> Good heavens. Where did they spring from? I thought she was in America. They desired me to inform your lordship that they would be glad of a word with you before the arrival of Mrs. Spotworth.
>> Before the what of who? Who on earth's Mrs. Spotworth?
>> An American lady whose acquaintance her leadership made in New York. My lord, she's expected here this evening. I gather there's some prospect of Mrs. Spotworth buying the house.
>> Buying the house?
>> Yes, my lord.
>> This house?
>> Yes, my lord.
>> Rose to Abby, you mean?
>> Yes, my >> pulling my leg. Jeez. I would not take such a liberty, my lord.
>> You seriously mean that this refugee from whatever American looney bin it was is actually contemplating paying hard cash for roster Abbey.
>> That was the interpretation which I placed on the remarks of her leadership, my lord.
>> Well, I'll be blurred. Is she coming to stay?
>> So I understood.
>> Then you might remove the two buckets you put to catch the water under the upper hall skylight. They create a bad impression.
>> Yes, my lord. I will also place some more drawing pins in the wallpaper.
Where would your lordship be thinking of depositing, Mrs. Spottsworth?
>> She'd better have the Queen Elizabeth room. It's the best we've got. We can't give her a bathroom, I'm afraid.
>> I fear not, my lord.
>> Still, if she can make do with a shower, she can stand under the upper hall skylight.
>> If I might suggest, my lord, it may not be judicious to speak in that strain in the hearing of Mrs. Spotworth.
>> Yes, Jesus is right. You poor fish. Oh, Bill, if this comes off, you'll have money enough to buy a farm. I'm sure we'd do well. Me as a vet and you with all your expert farming knowledge.
>> My what?
>> I think Miss Wyvern is alluding to your wide experience working for the agricultural board, my lord.
>> Oh. Ah, yes, of course. The agricultural board. Thank you, Jeeves.
>> Bill, we could start a prize herd. I wonder how much you could get for the place.
>> Not much, I'm afraid. It's seen better days.
>> What are you going to ask?
>> £3,052 shillings and six pins.
>> What?
>> Oh, sorry. I was thinking of something else.
>> But what put an odd sum like that into your head? I don't know.
>> The sing question arose in the course of his lordship's work in connection with his agricultural board duties this afternoon, miss. Now, your lordship may recall that I observed at the time that it was a peculiar figure.
>> Oh, so you did, Jeeves. So you did. If I might suggest it, my lord, I think it would be advisable to proceed to the U alley without further delay. Time is of the essence.
>> Of course. Yes. Are you coming, Jill?
>> I can't, darling. I have patience to attend to. I've got to go and see the manoring's peak, though I don't suppose there's the slightest thing wrong with it. That dog is the worst hypochondric.
>> Well, you're coming to dinner. All right.
>> Of course.
My mouth's watering already. Bye, darling.
>> You saved me there, Jeeves.
>> I'm happy to have been of service, my lord.
>> You eat a lot of fish, don't you, Jeeves?
>> A good deal, my lord. So Bertie Worers has often told me you sail into the soul and sardines like nobody's business, he says, and he attributes your giant intellect to the effects of the phosphorus.
>> Mr. Worester has always been gratifyingly appreciative, my lord.
>> What beats me is why he ever let you go.
Did you have a row with him in hand in your portfolio?
>> Oh no, my lord. My relations with Mr. Worcester continue uniformly cordial, but circumstances have compelled a temporary separation. Mr. Worcester is attending a school which does not permit its student body to employ the gentleman's personal gentleman.
>> A school?
>> An institution designed to teach the aristocracy to fend for itself. My lord, Mr. Worster feels it prudent to build for the future in case the social revolution should set in with even greater severity. Mr. Worester is actually learning to dawn his own socks. The course he is taking includes boot cleaning, sock dawning, bed making, and primary grade cooking. Golly.
>> Yes, Lord. Mr. Worester doth suffer a sea change into something rich and strange.
Would your lordship care for another whiskey and soda before joining Lady Como?
>> No, we mustn't waste a moment. As you were saying not long ago, time is of the what do you?
>> Essence, my lord.
>> Essence? You're sure?
>> Yes, Lord.
>> Huh? I always thought an essence was a sort of scent. Right. Ho then Taliho.
>> Very good, Lord.
>> So, answer me this. Is there a hope? You sound like an invalid on a sick bed addressing his doctor.
>> Rory, I think there may be, Bill, >> I don't.
>> She was nibbling in New York. All that remains now is to administer the final shove. When she arrives, I'll leave you alone together. Give her the old personality.
>> I will. I'll be like a turtle dove cooing to a um female turtle dove.
>> You'd better because I'm expecting a commission.
>> But look, even on the assumption this woman is weak in the head, I can't see her paying a fortune for Roster Abby. To start with, all the farms are gone.
>> No, that's true. There's only the house and garden.
>> I was saying to Mo that whereas in the summer months the river is at the bottom of the garden.
>> Oh, be quiet. I don't see why you shouldn't get £15,000, Bill. Maybe even as much as 20.
>> Do you really think so?
>> Of course she doesn't. She's just trying to cheer you up. Very sisterly of her, too.
>> You've been making a few improvements, I noticed. Bill, >> wish I had the money it cost.
>> You're hard up.
>> Stony.
>> And where the dickens all these butlers, housemaids, and cooks come from? I said to Moo, I wondered if you'd set up as a gentleman, but that reminds me, old girl, did you tell Bill about the police?
>> What police? What about the police? Some blighter rang up from the local jean armory. The roses want to question you.
>> What do you mean question me?
>> Gillio, give it to the third degree. And there was another call. A mystery man who didn't give his name.
>> He was inquiring about the license number of your car.
>> What's the matter, Bill? You're looking as worried as a prune.
>> White and shaken like a martini.
[laughter] That's pretty good. Bill, be frank. Why [clears throat] are you wanted by the police?
>> I'm not wanted by the police.
>> Come on, outfit. You're among friends.
Excuse me, my lord. Mrs. Spotsworth is in the drawing room.
>> Right. Come on then, Bill. Let's go in.
It's turtle dove time.
>> Rosalinda. So glad you found your way.
It's rather tricky after you leave the main road. My husband, Sir Rodrik Carm.
>> What? Huh?
>> And this is my brother.
>> Good heavens, Bill again.
>> And what?
>> Well, Mr. Belelfrey and I old friends.
We knew each other in K a few years ago when I was Mrs. Bessma. Bessemer. It was not long after my first husband had passed the veil after a head-on collision with a truck full of beer bottles on the Jericho turnpike. His name was Clifton Bessimo.
>> Well, that's fine. Well, not exactly fine, but but you'll have all sorts of things to talk about, won't you? But Bill isn't Mr. Belelffrey now. He's Lord Roster.
>> Changed his name. The police are after him, and an alias was essential.
>> Oh, don't be an ass, Rory. He came into the title. You know how it is in England. Our uncle, Lord Roster, pegged out not long ago, and Bill was his heir.
So, he shed the belfry and took on the roster.
>> I see. Well, to me, he will always be darling Bilickin. How are you, Bilickin?
>> I'm fine, thanks. Um, Rosie.
>> Rosie? Did you say Rosie?
>> Mrs. Um, Spotsworth's name is Rosa Linda. At can, her friends, even casual acquaintances like myself, called her Rosie.
>> Oh. Ah, quite very natural. Of course, >> casual acquaintances.
>> Well, I mean blokes who just knew you from meeting you at can and so forth.
>> What times we had there, Bellicanin, do you remember?
>> Oh, yes, yes, yes. Very jolly the whole thing. Won't you have a drink or a sandwich or a cigar or something? Nice to welcome you to Roster Abbey.
>> It's the most wonderful place I ever saw.
>> Would you say that? Mouldering old ruin, I call it. Been decaying for centuries.
>> Rory, >> the patina of time. I adore it. And now I'm going to share something very strange. It struck me so strongly when I came in at the front door. I was overcome.
I realized that I had been here before.
>> Oh, there's a sight here. One of the crowd that used to come during the summer at a bobber head.
>> No, no, I didn't mean in my present corporeal envelope. I meant in a previous incarnation. I'm a rotationist, you know.
>> Ah, yes. I've seen pictures of them in funny hats. No, you're thinking of Rotarians. I'm a rotationist, which is quite different. We believe that we are reborn as one of our ancestors every ninth generation.
>> Ninth? H Let me see. Sure. The mystic 9inth house. Of course, you've read the Xanderst of Zorastaster, Sir Rodri.
>> I'm afraid not. I'll put it on my library list by Agatha Christie. Isn't it >> ninth? That seems to make me Lady Barbara, the leading huzzy of Charles II's reign. Wow. I suppose I ought to be asking you about your latest love affair.
>> I only wish I could remember it. From what I've heard of her, it would make quite a story.
>> I feel influences. I even hear faint whisperings.
How strange it is coming into a house that you last visited 300 years ago. I seem to remember a chapel. There is a chapel here.
>> Ruined.
>> I knew it. And a long gallery.
>> That's right. A jewel was fought in it in the 18th century. You can still see the bullet holes in the walls >> and dark stains on the floor. No doubt.
This place must be full of ghosts.
>> Oh, no. Don't worry. Nothing like that in Roast Abbey.
>> Oh, but I want ghosts. I must have ghosts.
>> There's what we call the haunted lavatory on the ground floor. Every now and then, when there's nobody near it, the toilet will suddenly flush. And when a death is expected in the family, it just keeps going and going. We don't know if it's a spectre or just a defect in the plumbing.
>> Probably a poltergeist, but are there no visual manifestations?
>> I don't think so.
>> Don't be silly, Rory. Lady Agatha.
>> Who was Lady Agatha?
>> The wife of Sir Karadok the Crusader.
She has been seen several times in the ruined chapel.
>> Fascinating.
Now, let me take you to the Long Gallopy. Don't tell me where it is. I'll close my eyes. Let me see if I can't find it for myself.
It's this way. Ow.
>> I beg your pardon, Mrs. Spotsworth.
>> That's okay. And now I must concentrate.
This is a test. Eyes closed. Follow, please, Monica. You two, Bill again. I sense it is this way.
>> Come on then. Let's follow her. Bill.
>> Yes. Yes. Yes. I'm coming. I'm coming.
party. What? Chief.
>> Quite possibly, Sir Rodri.
>> I'll tell you something. This Mrs. Dog's body has inherited millions from a platoon of deceased husbands and took advantage of the fact to go right off her onion. Always a mistake, James.
Unearned money. Nothing like having to scratch for a living. I'm twice the man I was since I joined the ranks of the world's workers.
>> You see, eye to eye with the bard, Sir Rodri. His deeds must win the prize. H exactly. And speaking of prizes, what about tomorrow?
>> Tomorrow, sir, >> the derby know anything?
>> It would seem an exceptionally open contest. Mia bus is, I understand, the favorite 15-2 and the price likely to shorten, but the animal is somewhat lightly boned for so grueling an ordeal.
Though we have seen such a handicap overcome, the name of Mana, the 1925 winner, springs to the mind, and Hyperion, another smallalish horse, broke the course record previously held by Flying Fox, accomplishing the distance in 2 minutes 34 seconds.
I Jove, you know your stuff, don't you?
One endeavors to keep Ouron in these matters, sir.
>> Well, old girl, did you find the ruddy gallery? Yes. After taking us all over the house, >> she said she lost the influence for a while.
>> Still not bad after 300 years.
>> What became of Bill?
>> He disappeared. Went to dress, I suppose.
>> What sort of state was he in?
>> Glassy eyed and starting at sudden noises.
>> I have another theory. I now attribute his jitteriness to this job with the agricultural board. We fellows who aren't used to work have got to learn to husband our strength, if you know what I mean. [clears throat] >> Hello. Whom have we here? Oh, are you Ellen?
>> Yes, my lady. A gentleman's just come asking to see his lordship. Mr. Jeves being busy in the dining room. I answered the door and showed him into the morning room. Who is it? Captain Bigger. My lady.
>> Bigger. [laughter] Reminds me of that game we used to play when we were kids. M. The bigger family.
>> Yes. All right, Mory.
>> Which is bigger? Mr. Bigger or Mrs. Bigger?
>> Mory. Really?
>> Mr. Bigger because he's father bigger.
This is good, isn't it? Which is bigger, Mr. Bigger or his old maid aunt?
>> Not a child now, you know.
>> Can you tell me, Ellen?
>> No, sir.
>> Ah, perhaps Mrs. Spotworth cat.
>> I found the long gallery, Sir Rodri. Oh, >> free rousing tears. Do you know which is bigger? Mr. Bigger or his old maid aunt?
>> I beg your pardon.
>> Which is bigger, Mr. Bigger or his old maid aunt?
>> But I don't understand.
>> The old maid aunt? Because whatever happens, she's always bigger.
>> Pay no attention to him. This is quite harmless. It's just that a Captain Bigger has called. That set him off.
He'll be all right in a minute.
>> Captain Bigger.
>> There's another one. Only it loses me for the moment. Something about Mr. Bigger and his son.
>> Tell me, is he a gentleman with a rather red face?
>> He's a gentleman with a very red face.
[sighs and gasps] >> How extraordinary.
>> You know him?
>> He's an old old friend of mine. I knew him when I don't of course believe in coincidence, but there's been some pretty adroid work going on in the spirit world. Monica, would you could you possibly invite him to stay?
>> Why, of course, Rosalinda. Any friend of yours? What a splendid idea.
>> Oh, thank you. Where is Captain Bigger?
In the morning room. Madam, will you take me there at once? I must see him.
>> Yes, madam. This wife. Thank you.
>> Is this wise mo girl? Probably some frightful outsider.
>> He's a friend of Mrs. Spotsworth's.
That's all that matters. Keep her sweet.
>> Oh, Bill. Good news.
>> H what?
>> Good god, Bill. Tailcoated, white tied and white waist coated. You look like great lovers through the ages. And your hair gleams with strange unwance.
>> Well, I thought this.
>> Oh, I get the idea. Impress Mrs. Spotsworth bring back memories of the old days at can. But don't ever do it, old boy. If Jill finds out about you and the Spotsworth, >> what the devil do you mean? My relations with Mrs. Spotsworth were pure to the last drop.
>> Of course. Oh boy.
>> Do you sell muzzles at Harajes? Rory.
>> Muzzles? Oh, rather in the cats, dogs, and domestic pets.
>> I'm going to buy one for you. Bill, the most wonderful thing has happened. An old friend of Mrs. Spotworth has turned up and I've invited him to stay.
>> An old friend? Another old lover, one presumes.
>> Do stop it, Rory. Can't you understand what a marvelous thing this is, Bill?
We've put her under an obligation. Think what a melting mood she'll be in after this.
>> Mo, you're superb. Who is the fellow?
>> His name's Bigger. Captain Bigger.
>> What? What? Captain.
>> Yes. Which is bigger, Mr. Bigger or Master Bigger? Master Bigger because he's a little bigger.
I knew I'd get it.
[music] >> Nectarious Goobury fool. Bill, >> what? Oh, yes. Good old Mrs. Pigot.
>> You bet.
>> Anyway, gentlemen, we shall leave you now to your soothing, masculine conversation. Come along, Rosalinda.
Jill, >> allow me, Mrs. Bosra. ladies.
>> Well, thank you, Captain Big.
>> Rory, I'd be grateful if you didn't ask the captain if he goes in for racing at all.
>> What? Oh, right. A port. Captain Bigger.
>> Yes. All right. Do you go in for racing at all, Captain?
>> What?
>> It's the Derby dinner tonight. I'll be watching it on the television in the library. All the top owners are coming on to say what they think of their chances tomorrow. Were you at the Oaks this afternoon by any chance?
>> Ah, was I at the Oaks? Shang Suak. Yes, sir. I was. And if ever a man got the ruddy sleeve across the belly pipe, it was me at Epson this afternoon.
>> Had a bad day. Did you?
>> I look here. Since I came back to the old country, I've got in with the British shrewd lot of chaps. Fellows who know one end of a horse from the other.
And today they advised a double. Lucy Glitters in the 230 and Whistler's mother for the Oaks. What happened? Lucy Glitters rolled in at 100 to six and Whistler's mother at 33 to1.
>> You mean your double came off?
>> Yes, sir. How much did you have off?
>> £5 on Lucy Glitters and all to come on Whistler's mother.
>> Good God. Are you listening to this, Bill? You must have won a fortune.
>> £3,000.
[laughter] >> Well, coffee is >> Did you hear that, Chief? Oh, thanks.
Captain Bigger won £3,000 quid on the oaks. A consume to be what it >> indeed a consummation devoutly to be wished.
>> Well, whatever.
>> £3,000 I won. And the bookie did a bolt.
>> No, >> I assure you.
skipped.
>> Exactly.
>> I never heard anything so monstrous. Did you ever hear anything so monstrous, chiefs? Wasn't that a frozen limit, Bill?
>> Good heavens, Captain. What a terrible thing. Legged it. Did hear this bookie.
>> Popped off like a jack rabbit with me after him.
>> I don't wonder you're upset. Scoundrels like that ought not to be at large. What would Shakespeare have called him? Jeez.
>> An errant ruskly bigly lousy nave. Lord, >> yes. The bard put these things so well, Jeeves. A cigar for Captain Bigger.
>> Thank you. Oh, I never smoke when I'm after big game.
>> Big game? Oh, I see this bookie fellow.
You're a white hunter and now you're hunting white bookies. Rather good that, Rory. [laughter] >> That's good, old boy. And now, may I get down? I want to watch the Derby dinner.
>> Oh, excellent idea. Let's all go and watch the derby dinner. Come along, Captain.
>> Later. First, I want a word with you, Lord Roster.
>> Oh, leave it to you, then.
>> Certainly, certainly, certainly, certainly, certainly. Oh, stick around, Jeez. Polish an ashtray or something.
Well, well, well, well, well, well. But tell us more about this bookie of yours, Captain.
>> I only wish I could meet the rat in Koala Lumpa. Do you know what happens to a Welsher in Koala Lumpa, Lord Dro?
>> No, I um I don't believe I do. What does happen to a Welsher in Koala Lumpa?
>> We give the blighter three days to pay up. Then we call on him and give him a revolver.
>> You don't mean a loaded revolver?
>> Loaded in all six chambers. We look the louse in the eye. We leave the revolver on the table and go off without a word.
He understands.
>> You You mean he's expected to Isn't that a bit drastic?
>> Code, sir. It's the code. Morale can crumble very easily out there. Drink, women, and unpaid gambling debts. Those are the steps down.
>> Gambling debts at the bottom. You hear that, James?
>> Yes, Lord.
>> We've got to set an example, we bearers of the white man's burden. A defaulter has his head cut off.
>> Well, well, >> the head is then given to his principal creditor. Oh, really?
>> And now, brass tax, Lord Roster, about this bookie.
>> Oh, yes, this bookie.
>> I memorized the number of his car.
>> You did?
>> I then made inquiries with the police, and do you know what they told me? They said that that car number, Lord Roster, was yours.
>> Mine?
>> Yours?
>> But how could it be mine?
>> This honest patch Perkins, as he called himself, must have borrowed it with or without your permission.
>> Incredulous.
>> Incredible, Lord.
>> Thank you, Jesus. Incredible. How would I know any honest Patch Perkins?
>> You don't?
>> Never heard of him. What does he look like?
>> He's tall, but your height. Has a ginger mustache and a black patch over his left eye.
>> No, Dash it. That's not possible. Oh, I see what you mean. A black patch over his left eye and a ginger mustache on the um upper lip. No, I thought for a moment.
>> And a check coat and a crimson tie with blue horseshoes on it.
>> Good heavens. He must look the most ghastly outsider. A Jeez, >> he's certainly far from Swany, my lord.
very far from Swany. Oh, by the way, Jeeves, that reminds me. Bertie Worester told me that you once made some such remark to him and it gave him the idea for a ballad to be entitled way down upon the Swany River. Anything ever come of it, do you know?
>> To hell with it. I'm talking about this ballet bookie who was using your car today.
>> Look, my dear old pursuer of pummers and what have you. Obviously, what happened was that you got the wrong number. Ages.
>> Yes, ma'am.
>> Are you telling me that I don't know the number of a car that I followed all the way from Epsom Downs to South Miltonshire? It was used today by this honest patch Perkins and his clark. And I'm asking you if you lent it to him.
>> Would I lend my car to a chap in a check suit and a crimson tie? Not to mention a black patch and a ginger mustache. The thing's not what is >> feasible. Lord, possibly the gentleman's eyesight needs attention.
>> Rubbish. I'm Buana bigger. I can stand without a tremor in the path of an on-rushing rhino. My eyesight is superb.
>> Forgive me, sir, but I do not believe that rhinocerai are equipped with license plates.
>> This bookie of yours, Captain, I believe that he'll pay you. I get the impression that he's simply trying to gain time.
>> I'll give him time. [clears throat] Might I offer a suggestion, Mu?
>> Certainly, Jeeves, offer several. It has occurred to me that it is quite possible that this racecourse character may have substituted for his own license plate, a false one.
>> By Joe, Tes, you've hit it.
>> And that by some strange coincidence, he selected the number of your lordship's car.
>> Exactly. That explains the whole thing, doesn't it, Captain?
>> Of course it does, Kees. Your bulging brain with its solid foundation of fish has solved what, but for you would have remained one of those historic mysteries you read about.
>> I am happy to have given satisfaction, Lord. You always do, Jeeves. It's what makes you so generally esteemed.
>> Well, yes. I suppose that might have happened.
>> Poor poor, Captain.
>> No, thank you.
>> Then shall we join the ladies?
>> I should first like to make a telephone call.
>> You can do it from the living room.
>> A private telephone call.
>> Oh, right. Oh, uh, chieves, conduct Captain Bigger to your pantry and unleash him on the instrument.
>> Very good, Lord. If you would care to follow me, sir.
Ah, >> hello there, darling. I feel like a shipwrecked mariner citing a sail.
>> Oh.
Where is everybody?
>> Rory and Mo are in the library looking in at the Derby dinner.
>> And Mrs. Spotsmith.
>> Rosie has gone to the ruined chapel. I believe she's hoping to get a word with the ghost of Lady Agatha.
>> Rosie?
>> I think that is what you call her. Is it not?
>> Why? Uh, yes.
>> And she calls you Bilickin.
Is she a very old friend?
>> No, no, no. I knew her slightly at Cam one summer. Hm. From what I heard her saying at dinner about moonlight drives and bathing from the Eden Rock, I got the impression that you had been rather intimate.
>> Good heavens, no. She was just an acquaintance.
>> I see. Do you remember what I was saying about people not hiding things from each other if they going to get married?
>> Yes. Yes, I remember that.
>> I told you about Percy, didn't I? And Charles and Squiffy and Tom and Blotto.
I never dreamed of concealing the fact that I'd been engaged before I met you.
So why did you hide this Spotsworth from me?
>> I didn't hide the Spotsworth from you.
She just didn't happen to come up. Look, when you're sitting with a girl you love and whispering words of endearment, you can't suddenly say, "Oh, by the way, there was a woman I met in Can some years ago on the subject of whom I would now like to say a few words. Let me tell you about the time we drove to Sanrope >> in the moonlight."
>> Was it my fault there was a moon I wasn't consulted? And as for bathing, you talk as if we had the ruddy rock to ourselves. It was far otherwise. The water was stiff with exiled grand dukes and dowaggers of the most rigid respectability.
>> I still think it odd you never mentioned her.
>> I don't.
>> And I think it's still odd that when Je told you this afternoon that a Mrs. Spotworth was coming here, you just said, "Oh, a or something as if you had never heard the name before."
>> When I knew her in can, her name was Bessemer.
>> Bessemer?
>> Bessemer? I've still to learn how all this Spotsworth stuff arose.
>> Excuse me, my lord, if I may collect the coffee cups.
>> Yes, come on, Jeez.
>> Well, I must be getting along.
>> You aren't leaving already. only to go home and get some things. Mo's asked me to stay the night.
>> Then full marks for the intelligent female.
>> You're sure I shan be in the way?
>> Of course not.
>> I'll be back soon.
>> H women are odd. Jeez?
>> Yes, Lord.
>> You can't tell what they mean when they say things, can you?
>> Very seldom, Lord.
>> You're sure I shan be in the way? Was there a nasty tinkle in her voice when she said that? If no tingle, fine. But if tinkle, things don't look so good.
What's the use of being as pure as a driven snow, Jeves? Or possibly purer if girls are going to come tinkling at you?
>> Indeed, ma.
>> The whole trouble with women, jeez, is that practically all of them are dotty.
Look at Mrs. Spotworth, whacking to the eyebrows, roosting in a ruined chapel in the hope of seeing Lady Agatha.
>> Mrs. Spotworth is interested in specters, my lord.
>> She eats them alive. Is that balanced behavior?
>> The psychical research frequently has an appeal for the other sex, my lord.
Thank you, Lord. your leadership.
>> Jeieves.
>> Good heavens, Bill. Why the agony?
What's up?
>> Nothing's up. Confounded. Nothing.
Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
Nothing.
>> Well, there's no need to be stuffy about it.
>> Oh, I'm sorry. Mo, old thing. I've got a headache.
>> My poor lamb. What you need is fresh air.
>> Perhaps I do.
>> And pleasant society. Mar Spotsworth's in the ruined chapel. Pop along and have a chat with her.
>> What?
>> Now, don't be difficult, Bill. Draw her aside and switch on the charm. Have you forgotten what you said about coupooing?
If you want to sell the house, dash off this minute and coup as you have never cooed before.
>> You know, Moch, you're right. Yes, of course. Here I go. My place is at Mrs. Spotsworth's side. Pivity pipit.
>> I say, Mo, can you speak Spanish?
>> I don't know. I've never tried. I can speak French with both hands. There's a Spaniard in there telling us about his horse in his native tongue. I would have been glad to hear his views. Anyway, I want to confer with you about old Bill.
Are we alone and unobserved?
>> Unless there's someone hiding in that darest.
>> There's something up, old girl. Did you notice Bill at dinner? Every time he caught bigger's eye, he quivered. For some reason, Bigger affects him like an egg whisk. Why? I don't like something.
>> Yes. When I told him a Captain Big had clocked in, he went a bit greenish.
>> Looks like this bigger has got something. An old bill.
>> But what? Look, it's most likely it's because he's wondering if Mrs. Spotsworth is going to buy the house. In which connection, Rory, you old fathead.
Can't you do something to help the thing along? Ever since she arrived, you've been doing nothing but point out Roster Aby's defects. Be constructive.
>> I'll do my best, but I have very little raw material to work with.
>> [sighs] >> PA YAWA JINGGA.
>> HELLO, CAPTAIN. Is that you?
>> Uh, hello. Pardon my sweetie.
>> Captain, have you hurt yourself? You >> have me a scratch, dear lady. In the darkness, I seem to have tripped over a flower pot.
Ah, there you are.
>> Yes, here I am. I have been sitting out here enjoying the moonlight. I was keeping vigil in the ruined chapel, but I wearied of waiting for Lady Agatha to manifest herself. I'm afraid I'm somewhat impatient. When in the mood for specters, I want them hot off the griddle.
>> Quite May I sit? [clears throat] >> Of course.
>> What a beautiful night it is.
>> To >> the moon.
I always think a night when there's a full moon is so much nicer than a night when there's not a full moon.
>> Oh, rather.
>> Do you think the breeze is murmuring laabas to the sleeping flowers?
>> I regret my inability to inform you on the point.
>> Oh dear.
>> What's the matter?
>> I've dropped my pendant. The clasp is so loose.
>> Well, it must be on the ground somewhere. I I I'll have a look see. I wish you would. It's not valuable. I don't suppose it costs more than $10,000, but it has a sentimental interest. One of my husbands gave it to me. I never can remember which.
>> Ah, Missouri. Got it.
>> Oh, have you found it? Thank you ever so much. Will you put it on for me?
>> What? Oh, allow me to go. Oh, sorry. Beg your pardon. How uh how does this ah [clears throat] uh there.
>> Thank you.
>> It must be jolly to be rich enough to think $10,000 isn't anything to write home about.
>> Do you think that rich women are happy, Captain Bigger?
>> All those that I've met, and in my capacity as White Hunter, I have met quite a number, seemed pretty borish.
>> They wore the mask. Eh, >> they smile to hide the ache in their hearts.
>> Really?
>> Rich women are so lonely. Captain Beggar, >> are you lonely?
>> Very, very lonely.
>> Oh, I um >> Yes.
>> No, no, [laughter] nothing.
>> How strange are meeting again like this.
>> Very odd. A whole world apart for years and we meet again in an English.
>> It's quite a coincidence.
>> No, it was destined. Shall I tell you what brought you to that end?
>> I wanted to spot a beer.
>> Fate, destiny. I beg you, part >> I was only saying that there is no beer like Kingish beer.
>> The same fate and destiny that brought us together in Kenya. Do you remember?
>> Oh, rather. I had the strangest feeling when I saw you that day on safari that we'd met before in some previous existence. I seemed to see us in some dim prehistoric age. We were clad in skins. You hit me over the head with your club and dragged me by my hair to your cave.
>> Oh no, dit. I wouldn't do a thing like that. Much as I >> You did it because you loved me and I >> Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Is that you over there, Rosie? I've been looking for you everywhere. When I found you weren't at the ruined chapel, I Oh, hello, Bigger.
>> Hello. [clears throat] Yeah.
>> I say, Rosie, you're looking especially ring a ding in the moonlight.
>> Well, thank you, Bill. [clears throat] >> Hey, Miss Excuse me.
>> Oh, what's got into him?
>> I really couldn't say, Bill. Anyway, um I was looking for you to um Coup I mean coup. You really are Rosie reminds me of of Yes. Our nights on the beach at Can.
And with regard to the abbey, I can't think of anyone I'd rather have by it than my dear sweet uh Rosie.
Cool.
Oh, the code. The plasted coat curse his syrup. Can't bear the woman I love subjected to his goo.
Could breaking his spine in three places help.
I've eaten his meat and drunk his drink.
Both excellent, especially the roast duck. Makes him immune to assault.
The code is rigid on that point.
>> Oh, good gracious.
>> Oh, [clears throat] good evening, miss.
>> You seem upset, Captain Bigger. What's the matter? Have you been bitten by an alligator?
>> No alligators in England, except of course in zoos. No. No. I've been shocked to the very depths of my soul.
>> By a wombat?
>> There's no wombat either.
[clears throat] No. What shocked me to the very depths was listening to a low down fortune hunting English pier doing his stuff. Lord Roster, he calls himself. Lord Jigal, I call him.
>> I don't understand. Do you mean that Lord Roster?
>> No, no, no. I must not divulge. One of the rules of my code is that a white man is obliged to shield young innocent girls from the seamy side of life. So >> tell me.
>> Oh, very well. He was making love to Mrs. Spotworth in the moonlight. What?
>> He was cooing to her like a tattlet after her money, of course. All the same, these feet arrows to graduate. I remember.
>> Out of my way.
>> I say, where where you going?
>> Extraordinary.
>> Oh jeez. Will you bring me a flag of strong drink? I am a thirst. I have the tray here, sir.
>> Oh, jolly good.
Cheerio. Something for you, Captain.
>> Whiskey? I need a restorative.
>> Whiskey, right. And for you, Mrs. Spotsworth?
>> Oh, nothing. Thank you, Sir Rodri. On a night like this, moonlight is enough for me. Moonlight and your lovely garden, Bilickin.
>> Oh, yes. Nothing like a spot of moonlight, Rosie.
>> I'll tell you something about that garden. In the summer months, >> you do, man of my dreams.
>> Ah, no. The garden's terrific. And furthermore, Roster Abbey contains many an object dar calculated to make the connoisseur sit up and say, "What?" Oh, cast an eye on that dar chest. Mrs. Spots, >> it's beautiful.
>> Yes, it is nice, isn't it? Very good, Rory. Of course, it's an heirloom and can't be sold.
>> Go to the house.
>> It's full of the most wonderful old costumes.
>> Let's go to the house. Of course.
>> Would you like to look at them?
>> No. No, they're not in there.
>> Of course they are. They always have been. And I'm sure Rosalinda would enjoy seeing them.
>> I would indeed do open it, Monica.
>> I will. It isn't locked.
>> My lord brandy.
>> Here, Lord.
>> Here we are. Some of these costumes are what? Well, for heaven's sake.
>> Lord Bill, it is yours. Um, >> don't tell me you go around in a coat like that. And the time gods, you'd better drop in at Harages. See the chap in our habedasher department. We got a sale on. Wait, let me look at that. Give me the coat. What the devil's this? A black eye [music] patch and a ginger mustache. Ha. A little more, Brenda.
In part one of Ring for Jes [music] Woodhouse, Rory was played by Rufus Sule, Monica by Joanne Wally, Rosie by Glenn Hedley, and Captain Bigger by Ian Ogulvie. Bill [music] was played by Jamie Bambber, and Jeves by Martin Jarvis. Jill Wyvern, Mora Quirk, Ellen Daisy Hayen, and the racing [music] commentator Matthew Wolf. Ring for Jes was dramatized by Archie Scotty, directed by Rosland Ays, and is a Jarvis and production [music] for BBC Radio 4.
[music] Ring for Jes PG Woodhouse dramatized by Archie Scotty. Starring [music] Joanne Wally, Rufus Sule, Glenn Hedley, and Ian Ogulvie with Jamie Bambber as Lord Rooster and Martin Jarvis as Jeves.
[music] >> So, so >> your brand, Lord.
>> Thanks, Jeeves.
>> So, uh, what I say? Where have they all gone? Oh, you stay, de certainly, my lord.
>> So, Lord Roster, you are honest Patch Perkins.
>> Am I?
>> Isn't this your eye patch? Isn't that your confounded ginger mustache? And do you think I didn't recognize that coat and tie?
>> Captain Bigger, I owe you an explanation.
>> You owe me £3,05 to six.
>> Forgive me, Captain Bigger, but his lordship arrived on Epsom Downs this afternoon with the best intentions. He could hardly been expected to foresee the two such meagerly favored animals as Lucy Glitters in the 230 and Whistler's mother in the oaks would have emerged triumphant. His lordship is not clairvoyant.
>> He could have laid the bets off.
>> In fact, I urged his lordship to do so.
But >> you >> I was officiating as his lordship's clock.
>> What? You weren't the chap in the pink mustache.
>> I would describe it as russet rather than pink, sir.
>> Huh?
>> So when he goes to prison, you'll go with him.
>> Jeez.
>> All right, let's get down to it.
Properly speaking, I ought to charge this gumbbo to >> The name is Lord Rose.
>> No, it's not. It's Pat Perkins. I ought to charge you Perkins, you slinking reptile, for petrol, car repairs, and two beers at the goose and girkin. I'm no hog. I'll settle for £3,05 two and six. Write me a check.
>> How can I write you a check?
>> You have a pen, have you not?
>> What is Lord Jib striving to express, sir, is that such a check would not be honored.
>> Exactly. It would bounce like a dervish.
I haven't been. You mean you own a place like this and can't write a check for £3,000?
>> A house such as Roster Abby, sir, in these days is a liability. Socialistic legislation has sadly depleted the resources of England's hereditary aristocracy.
We are living now in what is known as the welfare state, which means broadly that everybody is completely destitute.
I must have the money and before noon tomorrow. Listen, [clears throat] I'll let you in on something. And if you breathe a word to a soul, I'll rip you both a Sunday with my bare hands. Is that understood?
>> Most straightforward, my lord.
>> Carry on, Captain.
>> Well, you remember that telephone call I made after dinner? It was to those pals of mine, the chaps who gave me my winning double this afternoon. I was anxious to know if it was all settled.
We have an enterprise of uh great pith and moment.
>> Right. These chaps have a big SP job on for the derby tomorrow. It's the biggest search in the history of the race. The Irish horse Balmore. They're not generally fancied. Well, Lucy Glitters and Whistler's mother weren't generally fancied, were they? Balmore is a long outsider. He's been kept darker than a black cat on a moonless night, but he's had two secret gallops over the Epsom course and broken the record both times.
>> You're sure of that?
>> I've watched the animal run with me own eyes, and all you see is a sort of brown blur. We're putting our money on at the last moment, carefully distributed among a dozen different bookies, and now you're telling me I shall have any money to put on.
>> Look here, old chap. Your agony touches me. And while I don't think we could ever form one of those beautiful friendships that existed between David and Jonathan, or Swan and Edgar, I can sympathize with your anguish, but I'm afraid the best I can manage is a series of monthly payments starting, say, about 6 weeks from now.
>> That won't do me any good.
>> But nor me, it'll knock the stuffing out of my budget. Farewell. A long farewell to to what?
>> To all your greatness, my lord. This is the state of man. Today he puts forth the tender leaves of hope. Tomorrow blossoms.
>> Thank you, Jes.
>> Yeah, not at all, my lord.
>> To start with, you'll have to go. You know, I can't possibly pay your salary.
>> I should be delighted to serve your lordship without emolment.
>> That's dashed good of you, Jebs. But how can I keep you in fish?
>> Yeah, I've got to have that money. Why can't he borrow it?
>> Who from? It can't be done. I'm sorry.
You'll be sorry when you and this precious clark of yours are standing in the dock at the old Bailey.
>> Oh, dash it. One doesn't want unpleasantness.
>> What one wants and what one is going to get are TWO DIFFERENT THINGS. IT'S OUT OF MY WAY. I want some air.
>> We're in the soup, Jeeves. He wants his pound of flesh.
>> Yes, my lord.
>> And we haven't any flesh.
>> No, my lord.
>> He's a tough egg that bigger. Did you notice the way he tucked into the roast duck at dinner? A man without ruth or pity. unquestionably lacking in the softer emotions. Lord, >> there's a there's a word that just describes him. Begins with a V. Not vapid, not vermicelli.
Vindictive. The chap's vindictive. What good will it do him to ruin me?
>> Well, no doubt he will derive a certain moody satisfaction from it. My lord, >> I suppose there is really nobody one could borrow a bit of cash from. How about that financia fellow who lives out ditching him in ways? So, somebody something.
>> Sir Oscar Whopper, my lord. He shot himself last Friday.
>> Oh, then we won't bother him.
>> It [clears throat] occurred to me, Lord, that were we to possess ourselves of Captain Bigger's ticket.
>> Ticket? What ticket? You speak as if this were a railway station.
>> The ticket which I handed to the gentleman as a record of his wager on Lucy Glitters and Whistler's mother, my lord.
>> Oh, you mean his ticket?
>> Precisely, my lord. It must still be on his person. It is the only evidence of the wager. Once we had deprived him of it, your lordship would be in a position to make payment at your lordship's leisure.
>> I see. So, we get the ticket from him, do we?
>> Yes, my lord.
>> May I say one word, Jeeves?
>> Oh, certainly, my lord.
>> How?
>> By what I might describe as direct action, my lord.
>> Scrag him. Choke it out of him.
>> Your lordship has interpreted my meaning exactly.
>> But jeez, have you seen him? That bulging chest, those rippling muscles. I agree that Captain Bigger is wellnourished, my lord, but we would have the advantage of surprise. He has gone out into the garden. When he returns, one may assume that it will be by way of the French window. If I draw the curtains, it will be necessary for him to enter through them. We will see him fumbling, and in that moment, a sharp tug will cause the curtains to descend, enshing him, as it were.
>> By jos, you think it would work?
Unquestionably, my lord, the method is that of the Roman retarius, with whose technique your lordship is no doubt familiar.
>> Oh, the bird who fought with net and trident.
>> Precisely, my lord. So, uh, if your lordship approves, >> you bet I approve.
>> Then, [clears throat] excuse me, Lord, I will draw the curtains. So, and uh [clears throat] so and we will take up our stations on either side of them.
>> It's in the bag, Jeeves. And if he yells, we will stifle his cries with the um what do you call this stuff?
>> The velour, my lord.
>> We will stifle his cries with the velour. And while he's graveling on the ground, I shall get a chance to give him a good kick in the tailpiece.
>> There is that added attraction.
Right.
[clears throat] H.
This is rather like waiting for zero hour, isn't it?
>> The sensation is not dissimilar, my lord.
You should be coming soon.
>> Yes, my lord.
>> On your toes, Steve.
>> Yes, my lord.
>> All set?
>> Yes, my lord.
>> I want another word with you two.
>> What? Uh, jeez. Um, what >> indeed my lord, it is disconcerting when you are expecting a man from the northeast to have him suddenly bark at you from the southwest.
>> Especially if he does so in a manner that recalls feeding time in a dog hospital. Shut up and listen. Right, I've got it all taped out now. Came to me quick as a flash. I said to myself, the pendant.
>> The pendant?
>> Mrs. Spotworth is wearing a diamond pendant, my lord. It is to this no doubt that the gentleman alludes, >> but why does he allude to a jeeps? That one is disposed to imagine, my lord. One will ascertain when the gentleman has resumed his remarks.
>> Well, if you say so. But it seems a what's the expression you're always using?
>> Remote contingency, my lord.
>> That's right. It seems a very remote contingency.
>> If you have quite finished babbling, Patro, sir.
>> Was I babbling?
>> Certainly you were babbling. You were babbling like a like a well, whatever the dash things are that babble.
>> The brooks are sometimes described as doing so, sir. In his widely read poem of that name, the late Lord Tennyson writes, "Oh brookke, oh babbling brook," and later describes the rivlet, speaking in its own person, "I chatter over stony ways in little sharps and trebles. I bubble into eddying bays. I babble on the pebbles." Come over the late Lord Tennyson. What I'm interested in is the pendant.
>> Are you going to explain?
>> I am. It's worth close on 3,000 quid.
And you are going to pinch it, Pat Roster.
>> Pinch it >> this very night.
>> What? Are you seriously suggesting that I rob one of my guests?
>> Well, I'm one of your guests. You rob me.
>> Only temporarily.
>> You'll be robbing Mrs. Spotworth only temporarily. I shouldn't have used the word pinch. All I want you to do is borrow that pendant till tomorrow afternoon when it will be returned.
>> Jeez, can you make any sense of what this rhinoceros biffer is saying?
>> Yes, Lord. Captain Bigger is urgently in need of money with which to back the horse Balymore in tomorrow's derby and his proposal is that the pendant shall be abstracted and pawned and the proceeds employed for that purpose. Yes, sir.
>> Correct.
>> At the conclusion of the race, one presumes the object in question would be redeemed, brought back to the house, discovered possibly by myself in some spot where the lady might be supposed to have dropped it and duly returned to her. Do I uh in advancing this theory, sir?
>> You do not.
>> Could one be certain beyond doubt, sir, that Balmore will win. But >> he'll win. All right. I told you he's twice broken the course record.
>> Then I must confess, my lord, I see little or no objection to the scheme.
>> I still call it stealing.
>> It's not. And I'll tell you why. In a way, you might say that that penant was really mine.
>> Really? What was that last word?
>> Mine? Yes. I actually won it. Do either of you chaps know the long bar in Shanghai? No. Well, I got into [clears throat] a little gambling game there one time and I won it. Chap called Bimbo Sycamore couldn't pay up, so he handed over his wife's pendant. It was the pendant which you've seen tonight on the neck, the zuri guty neck on the beautiful neck of Mrs. Spotworth.
>> But how did Mrs. Spotworth get it?
>> I gave it her.
>> You gave it her?
>> I'd received many kindnesses from Mrs. Spotworth and her husband. Poor chap was killed by a lion on safari, and what was left of him was shipped off to Nairobi.
When Mrs. Spotsworth was leaving our camp. I thought it'd be a civil thing to give her something as a momento. Sir, I lugged out the pendant, asked her if she'd care to have it. She said she would, so I slipped it to her. That's what I meant when I said the Barry thing was really mine.
>> Well, this puts a different complexion on things, Jeeps.
>> A distinct limb, Lord.
>> After all, he merely wants to borrow it for an hour or two.
>> Precis.
>> All right, Captain. I'll have a shot.
>> Stella, >> let's hope it comes off.
>> It'll come off. All right. The clasp is loose.
>> I meant I hope nothing would go wrong.
>> Go wrong? What can possibly go wrong?
You'll be able to think of a hundred ways of getting the dash thing to brainy fellows like you. Well, I'm going to do my exercises. Yoga and with it, of course, communion with the jivappma.
>> Jivvatma, >> his soul, my lord.
>> Ah, the room seems very still. Jeeves, as rooms tend to when Captain Bigger goes out of them.
>> Indeed, my lord.
>> So, let us review the position of affairs. The task confronting me is somehow to detach the pendant from Mrs. spotssworth and nip away with it unobserved. Any suggestions?
>> I would be inclined to say, my lord, that the best results would probably be obtained from what I might term the spider sequence.
>> I don't get you, James.
>> If I might explain, lord, your lordship will be joining the lady in the garden.
>> Probably on a rustic seat.
>> If shortly after entering into conversation with Mrs. Spotworth, your lordship were to affect to observe a spider on her hair, the spider sequence would follow as doth the night the day.
It would be natural for your lordship to offer to brush the insect off. This would enable your lordship to operate with your lordship's fingers in the neighborhood of the lady's neck. And if the clasp, as Captain Bigger assures us, is loose, it will be a simple matter to unfasten the pendant and cause it to fall to the ground. Do I make myself clear, lord?
>> Yes, but wouldn't she pick it up?
>> No, Lord, because in actual fact, it would be in your lordship's pocket. The lordship would institute a search in the surrounding grass, but without a veil, and the object would finally be discovered late tomorrow evening >> after bigger gets back.
>> Precisely, my lord.
>> Nestling under a bush >> or on the turf some little distance away. It had rolled.
>> Do pendants roll?
>> This pendant would have done so, my lord.
>> H not a bad scheme at all. And if your lordship is experiencing any uneasiness at the thought of opening cold, as the theatrical expression is, I would suggest I having a quick run through.
>> A rehearsal, you mean?
>> Precisely, my lord. A rustic seat, your lordship said.
>> That's where she was last time.
>> Seen a rustic seat. Time a night in summer. Discovered at rise Mrs. Spotworth. Enter Lord Rooster. I will portray Mrs. Spotworth.
We open with a few lines of dialogue to establish atmosphere, then bridge into the spider sequence.
Your lordship speaks.
>> Um uh tell me, Rosie, are you afraid of spiders?
>> Why does your lordship ask?
>> There's rather an outsized specimen crawling on the back of your hair.
>> What on earth did you do that for?
>> Merely to add very similitude, lord. I suppose that that was how the lady would be inclined to react on receipt of such a piece of information. If your lordship would be good enough to uh throw me the line once more. [clears throat] >> There's rather an outsized specimen crawling on the back of your hair.
>> I would be grateful if your lordship would be so kind as to knock it off.
>> I can't see it now. Ah, there it goes on your neck.
>> And that is the cue for business, Lord.
Your lordship will admit that it is really quite simple.
>> I suppose it is.
But I'm still nervous.
>> Inevitable on the eve of an opening performance, my lord. Now, I think your lordship should be starting as soon as possible. Our arrangements have been made with a view to a garden, said, and it would be disconcerting were Mrs. Spotworth to return to the house, compelling your lordship to adapt your technique to an interior.
>> I see what you mean, right, Oves?
Goodbye.
>> Goodbye, my lord.
>> If anything goes wrong, you'll write to me in Dartmore occasionally, Jeeves.
Just a chatty letter from time to time giving me the latest news from the outer world.
>> Certainly, Melon.
>> Still, we hope it won't come to that.
>> Yes, Lord.
>> Yes.
>> Well, uh, goodbye once again, Jeeves.
>> Goodbye, Melord.
>> It is a far, far better thing.
>> Oh, jeez. Have you seen Lord Roster?
>> His lordship stepped into the garden a few minutes ago. Miss, >> where are the others? Sir Rodri and her leadership are still in the library.
Miss >> and Mrs. Spotsworth.
>> She stepped into the garden shortly before his lordship.
>> Oh, did she? I see. Thank you, Jeez.
Right. I'm thinking the worst, you know.
>> Hail Hands I loved beside the Shalimar.
Where are you now? Who lies beneath a yellow spell?
Oh, [clears throat] jambo jeans. When it's time for action, he'll always catch a white hunter at his best. Where's Pat Roster?
>> His lordship is in the gardens, sir.
>> With Mrs. Posworth?
>> Yes, sir. Putting his fate to the test.
>> You thought of something, then?
>> Yes, sir. The spider sequence.
>> Spider sequence? Eh, something tells me you do well out east, my man.
>> Thank you, sir. It's just the sort of fellow we want in Qualar. Chaps his brains. Let me let me tell you of something that happened to Tubby and me one day when >> Jeie Lord.
>> Well, >> Jeieves, that spider sequence.
>> Yes, Lord.
>> I tried it.
>> Yes, Lord.
>> I detached the pendant.
>> Yes, my lord.
>> Captain Bigger was right. The clasp was loose. It came off.
>> A JABU BORA. GIVE IT HERE.
>> I haven't got it. It slipped out of my hand >> and fell.
>> And fell.
>> You mean it's lying in the grass?
>> No. It went down the front of Mrs. Spotsworth's dress. It's now somewhere in the recesses of her costume.
>> Most disturbing, my lord.
>> Custard jabu.
>> Yes. You don't happen to have any little known Asiatic poison on you, do you, Jeeps?
>> No, my lord.
>> A pity. I could have used it.
>> Yaja winger.
But wait a moment. Freicky me with stewed mushrooms on the side. I've got it. I see what you must do.
>> Do me.
>> You can dance, can't you?
>> Dance?
>> Preferably the Charleston. That's all I'm asking of you. A few simple steps of the Charleston.
>> I don't believe this. Here I am in the soup and going down for the third time and you're inviting me to dance.
>> Yes, and I'll tell you why. Painful as it'll be for me to observe, I am convinced that if Pat Roster here were to dance the Charleston with Mrs. Spotsworth, we'd dr that pendant out before the band had played a dozen bars.
We shall need music. Ah, gramophone in the corner. Excellent. Would you grasp the scheme?
>> Perfectly, sir. His lordship dances with Mrs. Potsworth and in due course the pendant dropth as the gentle rain from heaven upon the place beneath.
>> Exactly. What do you think?
>> What does your lordship think?
>> Eh about what?
>> Captain Bigger's suggestion, my lord, is that if your lordship infuses sufficient vigor into the steps, it will result in the pendant becoming dislodged and falling to the ground whence it can readily be recovered and placed in your lordship's pocket.
Oh, brilliant. Lead me to her and leave the rest of me.
>> It will not be necessary. She is nigh, my lord. Oh, >> Johnny. Good. Rosie, should we dance?
>> Fill in. My god, you want to dance?
>> Yes, Rosie, with you. It'll be like the old days at can.
>> Oh, how well I remember those days.
[clears throat] >> Oh, hello again, Captain Bigger. Lord Roster dances so wonderfully. I love dancing. The one unpunished rapture left on earth.
>> What? Oh, the old Charleston. Do you remember it? You bet I do.
>> Put a Charleston record on the gramophone, Jeeves.
>> Very good, my lord.
>> Excuse [clears throat] me.
>> Captain, where are you going? Wouldn't you like to see me dance the Charleston with Bilicanin? [music] >> Here we go. Rosie, >> take it away, Bilickin.
>> Rosie, [laughter] I I need some air.
>> I say Rosie.
>> Good heavens. The old boy cuts quite you rugged, does he not? Come girl, let us join the rebels.
>> THE JOY OF THE UNCONFINED boy [laughter] on earth.
>> Oh, Jill, come on. Won't you join the fun?
>> Come on, Jill.
>> Not likely. Bill's just a libertine. His correspondence course could be taken with advantage by Kasanova.
>> Good night.
>> When I dance, I don't know. I've got feet. You danced with Rory, you know.
Oh, it's the way he jumps on and off and gets you down.
[laughter] >> OH, THIS IS WONDERFUL.
OUCH. OH, I've twisted something. I'm not surprised.
>> Oh, gee. I hope it's just a twist and not my sciatica comeback. I suffer so terribly from sciatica, especially if I'm in a place that's at old damp.
>> I don't know. What's this on the floor?
Isn't this [clears throat] pendant yours, Mrs. Spots?
>> Oh, thank you. Yes, it's mine. It must have Ouch. Oh, >> you must get straight to bed, Rosalinda.
>> Oh, I guess I should.
>> With a nice hot water bottle.
>> Yes. Rory and I will help you upstairs.
>> Char, please take my arm, Mrs. Spotwith.
>> Thank you. Oh, I'm so sorry to break up the party.
Oh. Oh.
Turn that ballet music off, Chiefs.
>> Certainly, Lord.
>> Chieves, we're sunk. She's gone to ground.
>> Yes, Lord.
>> Accompanied by the pendant. Any suggestions?
>> Not at the moment, my lord.
>> Do you know what I'm going to do?
>> No, Lord.
>> Go to bed, jeez. To try to sleep and forget. Not that I have the remotest chance of getting to sleep with every nerve in my body sticking out a couple of inches and curling at the ends.
>> Possibly if your lordship were to count sheep.
>> You think that would work? It is a widely recognized specific, my lord. H >> well, no harm trying it.
>> Good night, Jeez.
>> Good night, my lord.
>> 822 823 800 800 What? What?
>> Your lordship will excuse me. I would not have disturbed your lordship had I not listening at the door gathered from your lordship's remarks that the strategm for sleep which I proposed had proved unsuccessful.
>> No, it hasn't worked yet. But come in, Jeeves. I'm glad to see anything that's not a sheep. They've all got such vacuous expressions on their silly faces. I say, don't tell me you've thought of something.
>> Yes, my lord. I fancy I have found a solution.
>> Jeez, you're a marvel.
>> Thank you, Lord.
>> So, what's the scheme?
>> Excuse me, my lord.
I'm reluctant to take what is possibly a liberty on my part.
>> Carry on, Jeez. What's biting you?
>> Your pajamas, lord. Had I been aware that your lordship was in the habit of sleeping in mauve pajamas, I would have advised against it. Move does not become your lordship.
>> What? How have we got onto the subject of pajamas?
>> They thrust themselves on the notice, Lord. That very aggressive chromism. If your lordship would substitute a quiet blue or possibly a light pistachio green. Jeeves, this is no time to be prattling of pajamas.
>> Very good, Lord.
>> Anyway, I rather fancy myself in mauve.
However, if you really have something to suggest that will bring home the bacon, you may take these mauve pajamas, raise them to the ground, and sew salt on the foundations.
>> Thank you very much, my lord.
>> Now, what is this scheme of yours?
>> A quite simple one, my lord. Has it occurred to your lordship what is Mrs. Spotworth's principal interest? The thing uppermost in the lady's mind, >> the Charleston?
>> No, my lord. psychical research. Since her arrival at the abbey, she has not ceased to express a hope that she may be granted the experience of seeing the spectre of Lady Agatha.
>> No, Jeeves, I won't do it.
>> Lord, >> I see where you're heading. You want me to dress up in a farthingale and wimple and sneak into Mrs. Spotworth's room, and when she sees me, she'll say, "Ah, the ghost of Lady Agatha. It can't be done." Gez, nothing will induce me to dress up in women's clothes. Your lordship has not, if I may say so, grasped the substance of the plan. The essential at which one aims is the inducing of Mrs. Spotworth to leave her room, thus rendering it possible for your lordship to enter and secure the pendant. I propose now, with your lordship's approval, to knock on Mrs. Spotworth's door and request the loan of a bottle of smelling salts. Hey, >> smelling salts, my lord. I would explain that I required them in order to restore your lordship to consciousness.
>> Restore me to consciousness.
>> Precisely, Lord. Your lordship has sustained a severe shock, happening to be in the vicinity of the ruined chapel.
Your lordship observed the wraith of Lady Agatha and was much overcome. I found your lordship back in your own room in what appeared to be a coma and immediately applied to Mrs. Spotsworth for the loan of her smelling salts. But I still don't get the gist. James, >> the thought I had in mind was that learning that Lady Agatha was, if I may so term it, on the wing, Mrs. Botsworth's immediate reaction would be an intense desire to hasten to the ruin chapel in order to observe the manifestation for herself. I would offer to escort her, thither, and during her absence.
>> Jeez, you're a fishfed mastermind. The smelling swordsman lord, if your lordship will excuse me.
Everything has gone according to plan.
My lord, the lady assures me it will take her but a brief time to step into a dressing gun. I am to return in a moment and accompany her to the scene of the manifestation. I will leave this door open a few inches so that your lordship may be able to see us depart. I would advocate instant action for I need scarcely remind your lordship that time is >> of the essence. No, you certainly don't have to tell me that.
>> Yeah, my lord. On the dressing table in Mrs. Botsworth's room, I observed a small jewel case, which I have no doubt contains the pendant.
>> Right.
998 999 1,000 >> Lord. My lord.
>> Huh? Huh? What? Ah, all is well, Jeez. I extracted the pendant and it now resides beneath my pillow. I shall pass it to Captain Bigger at dawn's early light.
>> Congratulations, Malone.
>> I say, Jeeves, what's that you've got?
[clears throat] >> I encountered Miss Wyvern in the corridor a few moments ago. Lord, she desired me to inform you that she will be returning to her own home in the morning. And she was insistent that I give you this. What is it? Your ring, my lord.
>> Good morning, father. You may as well know it. I am not going to marry Lord Rooster.
>> Yes, you are. It was in the times. I saw it with my own eyes. The engagement is announced between >> I have broken off the engagement. I am never going to speak to Lord Roster again.
>> Don't be an ass. Of course you are. I suppose you had one of these lovers tiffs.
>> It was not a lover's tiff. I broke it off because of the abominable way he has been behaving with Mrs. Spotworth.
>> Spottsworth? What? The American woman you were telling me about?
>> The American trolop.
>> Trolop?
>> That's what I said.
>> Why' you call her that? Did you catch them um trolling?
>> Yes, I did. Good gracious.
>> It all seems to have started in cans some years ago. Apparently, she and Lord Roster used to swim together and go for long drives in the moonlight. You know what that sort of thing leads to?
>> I do indeed. I remember when I was in city Bani.
>> She arrived at the abbey yesterday and no sooner had she appeared than Bill was all over her, making love to her in the garden, dancing with her like a cat on hot bricks and coming out of her room at 2:00 in the morning in mauve pajamas.
Look, what coming out of her room in Mauve pajamas?
>> Yes, right move.
>> Move. God bless my soul. Wait a moment.
>> Bastard.
BASTARD, I SAY. BRING ME MY HORSE WHIP.
>> UH, COLONEL, SIR, I'm sorry, sir, but >> what? Did you hear what I said?
>> Yes, sir, but I'm sorry, sir, but your ass whips like gone.
>> Gone? What do you mean gone? GONE WHERE?
>> TO THE MENDERS, SIR.
>> MENDES.
>> To be mended. It got cracked.
>> Cracked?
>> Yes, I was cracking it in the stable, sir, and it cracked. So, I took it to the menders.
>> What? Get out, you foul blot. I'll talk to you later.
>> Yes, Colonel. Sorry, Colonel. Sorry, sir.
>> Cracked, eh?
I'll have to borrow young roasters.
Infernally awkward calling on a fellow you're going to horse whip and having to ask him for the loan of his horse whip to do it with. Still, that's how it goes.
>> Well, the derby runs in less than an hour. We must decide how our wages should be placed.
>> What does the racing news say, Roy?
>> No, not a rot. There's nothing in sight to beat Taj Mahal.
>> Well, here's another hunch for you.
Escalator.
>> Escalator. Wasn't Herages the first store to have escalators >> by Jo? Yes. The Oxford Street boys live.
I must look into this escalator.
>> I suppose you think we're crazy, Rosalinda. Of >> course not, my dear. Is it the derby that you're so interested in? Just our silly little annual flutter. We don't bet high. Have to watch the pennies >> rigidly. [laughter] I say I was just thinking that the smart thing for me to have done would have been to stick to that pendant of yours I picked up last night and porn it thus raising a bit of hear >> I didn't speak >> I thought you did >> no just a hiccup >> well anyway summing up Taj Mahal two quid escalator 10 bob each way is it not rash to commit oneself without consulting thieves >> good thinking come on Rory let's confer with him at once >> racing your Oh, um, Rosie, uh, that pendant of yours, the one Rory was speaking of, I was admiring it last night.
>> It's nice, isn't it?
>> Beautiful. You didn't have it at Can, did you?
>> No, I hadn't met Mr. Spotsworth, and it was a present from him.
>> A present from Mr. Spotsworth.
>> It's too funny. I was talking to Captain Bigger about it last night. By the way, where is the captain? I haven't seen him all morning.
Um, >> maybe he's hiding from me. I believe he's just a little jealous of you, Bilickin.
>> Well, he certainly seems to have made himself scarce.
>> Anyway, I told him one of my husbands gave it to me, but I couldn't remember which. It was Mr. Spotsworth, of course.
So silly of me to have forgotten.
>> Are you sure?
>> Oh, absolutely.
>> I I wonder if you'd excuse me. I have to see G's about something. Well, ring for Jeves.
>> No, I'll go and see him in his pantry.
He He keeps a fine port there with a an especially vibrant nose.
>> So, Jeeves, what do you think of Taj Mahal for this afternoon's beo and Epsom? I thought of slapping my two quid on his nose.
>> And Moch the second, that's my fancy. I see no objection to a small wager, sir, nor on yours, my lady, but it might be advisable, if funds are sufficient, to endeavor to save your stake by means of a bet each way on some other horse.
>> Rory thought of escalator. I'm hesitating.
>> Has your leadership considered the Irish horse Balammore?
>> Oh, jeez, for heaven's sake. None of the nibs even mention it.
>> Very good, my lady. Would there be anything further?
>> One thing. What was all that Mr. Spottsworth was saying at lunch about you and her bowling off together in the small hours to the ruined chapel.
>> Oh yes, my lady. Mrs. Spotworth desired me to escort her there. She was hoping to see the wraith of Lady Agria.
>> Any luck?
>> No, my lady.
>> She says Bill saw the old girl.
>> Yes, my lady.
>> So that's why he's looking like a piece of cheese today. Must have scared it stiff. Though I fancy, sir Rodering, any resemblance between his lordship and a portion of cheese is occasioned more by his lordship's matrimonial plans having been cancelled than by any manifestation from the spirit world.
>> You don't mean Bill's engagement is off.
>> Yes, lady. Miss Wyven handed me the ring in person to return to his lordship.
>> Poor old Bill. The heart bleeds.
>> I say to you, bung me some port.
>> Certainly.
>> Oh, Bill, old boy. We just heard that Jill has returned you to store. Correct, [laughter] >> Jurio.
>> See, it is bad luck. But don't be too depressed. A bachelor's life is the only happy one, old man. When it comes to love, there's a lot to be said for the all cart as opposed to the tabler do >> lady.
>> What was the name of the woman who drove a spike into her husband's head? I fancy your leadership is thinking of the story of jail. About she and the gentleman into whose head she drove the spike were not married, merely good friends.
>> Still, her ideas were basically sound.
>> It was generally considered so in her circle. My lady, >> have you a medium-sized spike je?
[clears throat] >> No, I must look in at the iron mongers.
Well, goodbye to do.
>> She is miffed. They're only trying to cheer you up, Bill. I say where can I get some flowers? Would they be flowers in a garden chief?
>> In some profusion, Sir Rodri, >> that's a thing you'll find it useful to remember, Bill, if ever you get married.
When the gentler sex get miffed, flowers will bring them round every time.
Tinkity.
>> Do your lordship wish to see me about something?
>> Jeez, I hardly know how to begin. By the way, have you an aspirin about you?
>> Certainly, my lord. I have just been taking one myself, Lord.
>> Thank you, Jeeves.
Don't slam the lid.
>> No, Lord.
>> And now, Jeeves, to tell you all. You see, the pendant was never big as for a moment.
>> So, you see, Jeeves, I have been played up and made a sucker of >> most disturbing, my lord.
>> What are those things people get used as?
>> Cat's paws, my lord.
>> Yes. This blighted bigger has used me as a cat's paw. I pinched the pendant, swallowing that whole story about it practically belonging to him, and he only wanted to borrow it for a few hours. And off he went to London with it, and I don't suppose we shall ever see him again. You wouldn't care to kick me, Jeieves.
>> No, well, there it is. I allowed myself to be used as a cat's paw, thus rendering myself liable to an extended sgeon in the cooler. Unless, >> may I point out, Lord, that there is no likelihood of your becoming suspect of the theft of Mrs. Spotworth's ornament.
It has disappeared. Captain Bigger has disappeared. The authorities will automatically credit him with the crime.
>> Ah, but you overlooked something, Jeeves.
>> My lord, >> the honor of the roasters. Under my own roof. Leaky, but still a roof. I have swiped a valuable pendant from a guest.
How am I to reimburse the spots worth?
I believe restitution can readily be made if the lady can be persuaded to purchase Rooster Abbey.
>> Great Scott jeves. In the Russian swirl of recent events, I had forgotten all about selling the house. Of course, that would fix up everything, wouldn't it?
>> Unquestionably, my lord. Might I suggest that your lordship now withdraw to the library and obtain material for a sales talk by skimming through the advertisements in country life? The language is extremely persuasive.
>> Yes, I know this sort of thing. I'll bone up.
>> Would it assist your lordship, if I were to bring a small bottle of champagne to the library?
>> You think of everything, Jeieves?
Oh, hello chiefs. Oh, >> good afternoon, miss. You will find his lordship in the library.
>> No, I won't. I haven't the slightest wish to speak to Lord Roster. I want you to give him a message, though he doesn't deserve it.
>> Very good, miss.
>> Please warn him that my father is coming here to borrow his horsehip to horsehip him with. And if his lordship should express curiosity as to the reason for Colonel Wyvern's annoyance, >> you may say it's because I told my father about what happened last night or at 2:00 in the morning to be absolutely accurate. He'll understand.
>> At 2:00 this morning, miss. That would have been at about the hour when I was escorting Mrs. Spotworth to the ruined chapel. The lady had expressed a wish to establish contact with the apparition of Lady Agatha, the wife of Sir Karadok, the Crusader. She is reputed to haunt the ruined chapel.
>> What? What did you say?
Oh, jeez.
Jeez.
>> Permit me, miss. Drink this, miss.
>> Oh, jeez. This is a matter of life and death. At 2:00 this morning, I saw Lord Roster coming out of Mrs. Spotworth's room looking perfectly frightful in Mo pajamas. Are you telling me that Mrs. Spotworth was not there? She was with me in the ruined chapel. Miss, >> then what was Lord Roster doing in her room?
>> Perloining the lady's pendant. Miss >> perloining Mrs. Spotworth's pendant.
>> Yes, Miss Would it interest you to hear the inside history of his lordship's recent activities?
>> Yes, Jeieves. It would.
>> It was for love of you, miss, that his lordship became a silver ring book maker.
>> What?
And to conclude, Miss Captain Viger has taken the pendant to London with the purpose of pawning it and investing the proceeds on the Irish horse Balmore in the derby as regards his lordship's move pajamas.
>> Thank you, James. But I must speak to him. Bill, Bill, Bill.
>> Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.
>> Oh, Bill. Bill. James has told me everything.
>> What? When you say everything, did you mean everything?
>> Yes, Lord. I deemed it advisable. I know all about honest patch Perkins and Captain Bigger and Whistler's mother and Mrs. Spotsworth and the pendant.
>> And you really mean give me that champagne.
You really mean that you don't recoil from me in horror.
>> Do I look as if I were recoiling from you in horror?
>> Well, no.
But you might just as well because I don't see how the Dickens were ever going to get married. I haven't been.
And I've somehow got to pay Mrs. Spotsworth for her pendant. No bless if you follow my drift. So, if I don't sell her the house, >> of course you'll sell her the house.
>> Well, I'm all full of that country life stuff, but if she doesn't come soon, it will evaporate.
>> Excuse me, my lord. Mrs. Spotworth and her leadership are about to enter through the French window.
>> Ah, yes. Good heavens, Jill. What's happening?
>> It's all right. There's been a change in the situation. Sweetheart, still.
>> Well, that's fine. I've been showing Rosalind around the place >> with its avenues of historic oaks, its tumbling streams alive with trout and tench, and its breathtaking vistas lined with flowering shrubs. How did you like it?
>> It's wonderful. I can't understand how you can bring yourself to part with it, Billin.
>> Am I going to part with it?
>> You certainly are. This is the house of my dreams. How much do you want for it?
Lock, stock, and barrel.
>> What? You've taken my breath away.
>> I'll tell you what. Let's do suppose I pay you a deposit of 2,000 and we can decide on the purchase price later.
>> You couldn't make it 3,000.
>> Sure. There's just one thing though before I sign on the dotted line. This place doesn't get damp, does it >> get damp? Why of course not.
>> You sure?
>> It's dry as a boat.
>> Well, that's well cuz damp is death to me. Fibracitis and sciatica.
>> Here you are, Mo. A floral tribute with comps of arm oil. There you are.
Thank you.
>> I say, Bill, it's starting to rain.
>> H [clears throat] What of it?
>> What of it? My dear old boy, you know what happens when it rains? Water through the roof, water through the walls, water, water everywhere. I was merely about to suggest you better put buckets under the upstairs skylight.
>> What?
>> Very damp house. This, Mrs. S. I often say that whereas in the summer months the river is at the bottom of the garden, in the winter months, the garden is at the bottom of the river.
>> Excuse me, my lady, begging your pardon.
>> Yes, Ellen. Could I speak to Mrs. Spotsworth?
>> Yes, madam. Your pendant's been pinched.
>> What?
>> Yes. I was laying out your clothes for the evening, Madam. And I said to myself, you'd probably be wishing to wear the pendant again tonight. So, I ventured to look in the little box and it wasn't there, Madam. It's been stolen.
>> But what what do you mean it's been stolen? You probably didn't look properly.
>> It's gone, my lord. You may have dropped it somewhere, Mrs. Spotworth. Was the clasp loose?
>> Well, yes, the clasp was loose, but I distinctly remember putting it in its case last night.
>> Let's go off and have a thorough search.
>> We will. But the house, I'm afraid, very much afraid, the damp would kill me.
>> Go on, Ellen.
>> I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry.
>> Rory, big mouth.
>> I say, did I drop a brick?
>> If I followed you about for a month, I'd have enough bricks to build a house.
>> About this pendant? Anything I can do?
>> Yes. Keep out of it. The derby will be starting in a few minutes. Go in there and get that television working.
>> Ah, right out.
>> Leave it to me.
>> Thieves, any suggestions?
>> Does it not seem likely, my lord, that in the event of Balmore emerging victorious, the absent captain will carry out his original plan of redeeming the pendant, bringing it back, and affecting to discover it on the premises?
>> You think so? I am convinced that if Balmore wins, we shall see Captain Bigger again.
>> If Balmore wins.
>> Precisely, my lord.
>> Then one's whole future hangs on whether it does.
>> Bill, I'm going to start praying.
>> Yes, do pray that Balammore will run as he has never run before. Pray all over the house.
>> Well, Bill, there's no doubt it's gone.
I'm so sorry, Rosalinda.
>> Thank you. I've just phoned for the police.
>> What? You really think the thing's been stolen? It's the only possible explanation.
>> Oh dear. I'm so sorry to have started all this trouble.
>> Nonsense, Rosalinda. All Bill wants is to see the crook caught and bunged into the cooler.
>> Well, >> for a good long stretch, too. Let's hope.
>> We mustn't be vindictive.
>> No, you're surely right. Justice, but not vengeance.
>> Well, one thing's certain. It's an inside job.
>> Oh, do you think so?
>> Yes. And I have a pretty shrewd idea who the guilty party is.
>> Who? Someone whose cup and saucer were rattling like castinets this morning at breakfast. Do you want me to name names?
>> Go ahead.
>> Captain Bigger.
>> What?
>> You weren't down, Rosalinda, or I'm sure you would have noticed it, too. He was as nervous as a tree full of elephants.
>> Oh, no. No, Captain Bigger. That I can't and won't believe. If Captain Bigger were guilty, I should lose my faith in human nature, and that would be far worse than losing the pendant.
>> The pendant is gone, and he's gone. It adds up, don't you think? Oh, well, we shall soon know. What makes you so sure of that?
>> Why, the jewel case, of course. The police will take it away and test it for fingerprints.
>> What's the matter, Bill?
>> Nothing. Uh, jeez, my lord.
>> Lady Carm suggests that the miscreant might have forgotten to wear gloves, in which event jewel case would be covered with his fingerprints. That would be lucky, wouldn't it?
>> Extremely fortunate, my lord.
>> I'll bet he's wishing he could wipe them off.
>> Yes, my lord. You might go and get the thing so as to have it ready for the police when they arrive.
>> Very good, Lord.
>> Hold it by the edges, Jeeves. You don't want to disturb those fingerprints.
>> I will exercise the greatest care, Lord.
>> Oh, Jill.
>> Oh, Bill.
>> All right, everyone. Now, look here.
Where's young roster? I'm going to >> Hey, what the devil? What's going on, Jill?
>> Hello, father.
>> My goodness. Chief Constable, you have been quick. It's only minutes since I phoned. Hey, >> have you brought your blood hounds and magnifying glass?
>> What the dickens are you talking about?
>> Didn't you come in answer to my phone call, Colonel?
>> What phone call? I came to see Lord Rosar on a horse with you on a personal matter. What's all this about a phone call?
>> Mrs. Spotworth's diamond pendant has been stolen. Father, >> what?
>> This is Mrs. Spotsworth, Colonel Wyven.
Rosalinda, >> our chief constable.
>> Colonel Charmed, of course. So, had your pendant stolen? Eh, >> bad show. Bad show. Right, let's get some facts. An inside job. Was it?
>> That's what we think.
>> Then I'll need a list of everybody in the house.
>> Huh?
>> Ah, [clears throat] come in, Jeez.
>> Thank you, my lord. If I may, I will lower it onto the table.
>> This is the case the pendant was in.
>> Glad to see you were careful about handling it, my man.
>> Though trustees for that. And now for the names.
>> I say, chaps, the most appalling thing has happened.
>> Not something more. This is the absolute frozen limit. The derby has just started and the television set's gone on the blink. I must have twiddled the wrong thing of me.
>> Rory, this is Colonel Wyven, the chief constable.
>> How are you, Chief Se? Do you know anything about television? I do not. Oh, gold. The race will be over. What about the wireless >> in the corner? Sir Rodri.
>> Oh, thank heaven. Who is this gentleman?
>> Such as he is. My husband, Sir Rodrik Carm. No, sir. Rodri, I am conducting an investigation.
>> But you'll hold it up to listen to the talk.
>> When on duty, Sir Rodri, I allow nothing to interfere. I want a list.
>> Taj Mahal.
>> That's my boy.
>> Sweet William Garner. Moch I >> Bur. Quite an impressive list, isn't it?
>> There it is.
>> There's Gordon Riches on Moo I. Lots of people think this will be his lucky day.
>> I hope so.
>> I don't see Bellweather. Oh, yes. He's turning around now and walking back to the gate. They should be off in just a moment. Where's Balmore?
>> Sorry. No. Two more have turned round.
One of them is being very temperamental.
>> That should not be mine.
>> It looks like Simple Simon.
>> Simple Simon?
>> No. It's the Irish outsider. Balymore.
>> Oh my.
>> Really? I must ask.
>> It's Balymore.
>> All right. I'll turn it down.
>> Yes. I'm afraid it's Balymore.
>> Oops. Sorry.
>> Right. They're in line now. All 26 of them.
>> They're off. Balmore is left at the post.
>> Oh no.
>> Ori pacemaker is in front. Taj Mahal is just behind. the escalating.
>> That's better.
>> Now then, Lord Razd, what servants have you here?
>> Just a moment. I have to listen to this.
I'm turning it up again.
>> And now it's Borian. Borian the French horse. Borian is still in front. Then I escalator Mahal. Sweet William or Garnature. Looks as though Gordon Richards might be going to win the derby. Borian falling back and milk the second moving up the hill and turning Tatum corner. Milk the second IS IN FRONT. UP. Only three and a half to go.
Isn't it?
>> Oh. Oh, just a minute. There's a horse coming up on the outside.
>> Like an express train.
>> I can't identify. Wait, wait a minute.
It's Balmore.
>> Baltimore.
Hear that roaring?
>> Come on. Come on. Bam.
>> Make up your mind.
>> No, for God's sake. Come on, GORDON.
COME ON, GORDON.
>> COME ON, BALTIMORE.
>> Photo finish. Photo finish.
>> This is time in the history of the derby.
>> I'll turn it down.
>> Photo finish. Oh, well, >> what's a photo fish?
>> Well, that to Mal let me down. Why is it one can never pick a winner in this belly race?
>> The moch didn't suggest a winner to you.
>> No, why should it?
>> God bless you, Rodrik Carm.
>> All right, then. All right, everybody. I would like to inspect the scene of the robbery.
>> I will take you there, Colonel. Follow me. Some of you listen in and see what that photo shows.
>> And I'll send the jewel case down to the station to find out what it shows.
>> I'll go and see if I really have damaged the television set. All I did was twidd a thing at me.
>> Damn double derby. Even if Moch the second wins, the old girl's only got 10 bob on it at >> Jeez, I've got to have a drink.
>> That's your elbow, my lord.
>> Oh, >> we must hear that result. Turn it up again, Bill. Let's hope Bar had sense enough to stick out his tongue. Yes.
Right.
>> Literally hundreds of thousands of pounds. Hang on. What that protocol is >> number should be going up at any moment.
Any moment. Balmore. Balmore. Balmore.
>> Yes. Here it is. And it's M the second wheel. Hard luck on Balymore. He ran a wonderful race. If it hadn't been for that bad start, he would have won in a counter. His defeat saved the book with a tremendous loss. A huge thumb sum was bet on the Irish horse 10 minutes before starting time. Obviously one of those SP jobs which are so >> well never mind. There's still champagne.
>> Oh, I beg your pardon. I didn't realize there was somebody already. S [gasps] It's you. Oh, I knew you would come.
Monica said you wouldn't, but I knew >> I couldn't do it. I got to thinking of you, dear lady, and the chaps of the club, and I couldn't do it.
>> The club?
>> The old Anglo Malay club in Koala Lumpa?
Yes, I I thought of Tubby Frobisher.
Would I ever be able to look him again in that one good eye of his? And then I thought that you trusted me because I was an Englishman. And I said to myself, Cuthbert, bigger, you're letting down the whole British Empire.
>> Did you take my painting?
>> I took it and I brought it back. Here it is.
The idea was merely to borrow it for the day as security for a gamble, but I couldn't do it. It might have meant a fortune, but I couldn't do it.
>> Put it round my neck, Huffert.
>> You You want me to? You don't mind if I touch you?
>> Put it round my neck.
>> And Zuri Bingoni, I shall.
There.
Should I tell you why I wanted a fortune? So that I might feel myself in a position to speak my love.
Rosie, I love you. I loved you from that first moment we met in Kenya. All these years, I've dreamed of you. And on this very seat last night, it was all I could do to keep myself from pouring out my heart.
>> And I can speak now because we're parting forever. Soon I shall be wandering out into the sunset alone.
>> Jiminy Christmas. What do you want to wander out into any sunsets alone for?
>> I don't want to, dear lady. But it's the code. The code that says a poor man must not propose marriage to a rich woman.
But if he does, he loses his self-respect and ceases to play with a straight bat.
>> I never heard such nonsense in my life.
Who started all this applesauce?
>> I cannot say, but it is the rule that guides the lives of men like the Doc and Augustus Frobisher.
>> What? Augustus Frobisher? For Pete's sake? I thought there was something familiar about that name and now you say Augustus. This Frobisher, is he a fellow with a red face?
>> We all have red faces Easter Se >> and a small bristly mustache.
>> Small bristly mustaches, too.
>> Is one of his eyes green and the other glass?
>> Good god, that's Tubby. You've met him?
>> Met him? You bet I met him. It was only a week before I left the states that I was singing Oh, perfect love at his wedding.
>> What? How? Tubby is married. He certainly is. And do you know who he's married to? Cordita Rockmatella, widow of the late Sigsby. Rockmatella, the sardine king, a woman with a downside more money than I've got myself. Now you see how much old code amounts to. When Augustus Roisher met Cor and heard that she had 50 million smackers hidden away behind the brick in the fireplace, did he wander out into any sunset alone? No, sir. He bought a clean collar and a gardinia for his button hole and snapped into it.
>> You've shaken me, Rosie.
>> And you needed shaking talking all that malarkey. You and your old code.
>> I can't take it in.
>> You will. Now just sit here and get used to the idea of walking down the aisle with me and I'll go in and phone the London Times that a marriage will shortly take place between Cuthbird.
Have you any other names, my precious lamb? Jerves and it's Brabason bigger with a hyphen [clears throat] >> between Cuthbet Jesus bigger and Rosalinda Bessimma spots with it's a pity it isn't Sir Kuthput hey what's wrong with buying you a nighthood I wonder how much they cost these days I have to ask Sir Rodrik I might be able to get it at Herriages well goodbye for the moment my wonder man and don't go wandering off into any old sunsets.
>> Oh, jeez. Do you know the telephone number of the times?
>> No, madam, but I could ascertain. Ah, >> you're looking at the pendant, I see. I don't wonder you're surprised. Captain Bigger found it just now in the grass by that rustic seat where we were sitting last night. Has Captain Bigger returned?
>> He got back a few minutes ago. I want to announce my engagement to Captain Bigger.
>> Indeed, madam. May I wish you every happiness.
>> Thank you, Jeeves.
>> Shall I telephone the times?
>> If you will.
>> Very good, madam. Might I venture to ask if you and Captain Bigger will be taking up your residence at the abbey?
>> Oh, no, Jes. I wish I could buy it. I love the place, but it's damp. That's English climate. Uh, I wonder if I might make a suggestion, madam, which I think should be satisfactory to all parties.
>> What's that?
>> Buy the house, madam. Take it down stone by stone and ship it to California >> and put it up there.
Wow, what a brilliant idea.
>> Thank you, madam.
>> William Randph Hurst used to do it, didn't he? I remember visiting at San Simeon once, and there was a whole French abbey lying on the grass near the gates. I'll do it, chiefs. You've solved everything.
>> I say, where's Bill? The chief constable's asking for a magnifying glass.
>> Hello, Rosie. I >> Oh, Lord Roster. Just the man I wanted to see.
>> I'm sorry. I I say, wait a minute. Your pendant.
>> I know.
>> So, what's happened?
>> It was discovered in the garden by Mrs. Spotsworth's fiance, Captain Bigger.
>> Fiance?
>> What? So, Bigger's back?
>> Yes, Lord.
>> And he found the pendant. Yes, miss.
>> And he's engaged to Mrs. Spotworth.
>> Yes, Lord. And Mrs. Spotworth has decided to purchase the abbey.
>> What?
>> Yes, Lord. Lady, >> I do believe in fairies.
>> Of course you do, darling.
>> Yes, Bill. I'm going to buy the abbey and I'll write you a check momentarily.
I'm taking the Abbey with me to America, Bill. It was Chief's idea.
>> Oh, Bill. Billow. Bill.
Though I don't know why I'm kissing you.
I ought to be kissing Chie. Should I kiss you, Chief?
>> No, miss. Just think, jeez. You'll have to buy that fish slice after all.
>> It will be a pleasure and a privilege, miss.
>> Of course, Jeez, you must never leave us. Wherever we go, whatever we do.
>> I am very sorry, my lord, but I fear I am compelled to hand in my notice.
>> Oh, jeez. With the deepest regret, I need scarcely say, but Mr. Worster needs me. I received a letter from him this morning.
>> Has he left that school of his then?
>> Expelled, lord.
>> Good heavens.
>> It is almost unfortunate. Mr. Worcester was awarded the prize for sock dawning.
Two pairs of his socks were actually exhibited on speech day. It was then discovered that he had used a crib, an old woman whom he smuggled into his study at night. Poor old Bertie.
>> Yes, Lord. I gather from the tone of his communication that the scandal has affected him deeply. My place is at his side.
>> Dash it all. I can't fix it.
>> Rory, do you know what has happened?
>> Yes, old girl. I've busted the television set.
>> Mrs. Spottsworth is going to marry Captain Bigger and she's buying the abbey.
>> Oh well, as I was saying, I can't fix a belly thing. The only thing to do is telephone the fountain head.
>> Give me a night sprit 1 2 3 4.
>> Yes, I'll wait.
Oh, where's my Rosie?
>> I'm here, my darling.
>> Rosie Nakupendraana.
>> Hey. Ah, she's just been telling us the news. Congratulations, Captain Bigger.
>> A Santi patch Perkins. I'm obliged to Santi.
>> Huh?
>> I say I've just remembered another one.
Which is bigger? Captain Bigger or Mrs. Bigger? Mrs. Bigger because she became bigger. [laughter] Oh, hello Harriers.
>> [music] >> In the final part of Ring for Jeves by PG Woodhouse, Rory was played by Rufus Sule, Monica by Joanne Wally, Rosie by Glenn Hedley, and Captain Bigger by Ian Ogulvie. Bill was played by Jamie Bambber and Jeves by Martin Jarvis. Jill Wyvern, [music] Mora Quirk, Colonel Wyven, Christopher Neem, Ellen Daisy Hayen, and Bolstro Darren Richardson. The racing commentator was played by Matthew Wolf.
Ring for [music] Jes was dramatized by Archie Scotty, directed by Rosland Ays and is a Jarvis and [music] production for BBC Radio 4.
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