Hamlet Sucks

Added: 2026-05-24

[00:00:00]Hamlet isn't good. It simply isn't.

[00:00:03]There are scholars and teachers out there who would have you believe that Hamlet is a profound declaration of humanity, but they're also paid off by the lizard government, so [ __ ] them. But don't worry, come close and I'll protect you by blasting those pretentious lizards away. I will show you why the very core within the story is thrashed to [ __ ] The events of the play follow titular Hamlet as he allegedly plots his revenge against his uncle. You see, in the beginning of this play, Hamlet speaks to a ghost of his father who tells him that his uncle, the new king, poisoned him to take the throne.

[00:00:35]Upon hearing this affront to nature, Hamlet, to the heavens, pledges his soul to avenge his father. Time jump to the following scene and uh Uh sorry, there must be some kind of mistake. [laughter] Nothing?

[00:00:52]Nothing?

[00:00:53]Not a sneaky little scheme or an odd but poignant plot?

[00:00:58]Nay, I suppose. Instead, Hamlet is racked with uncertainty, an element very frequently praised for its reflection on the human condition. Ironic coming from lizards.

[00:01:08]Moving forward in the story, Hamlet schemes to expose the king by putting on a play detailing the exact murder of his father, detailed by the ghost at the beginning. The plan works and the king runs off in horror at the reflection of his wickedness. However, unfortunately for us, seeing him go off to confess gives Hamlet pause again.

[00:01:29]>> [sighs] >> Having seen the king confess, Hamlet figures that a death in this moment would send the usurper to heaven rather than hell. And I I get it. I get it. The more vengeful the spirit, the more cruel and dire. And no better paint when flick than literal damnation, right?

[00:01:44]Well, let's see how it turns out.

[00:01:48]As the story progresses further, Hamlet is shipped off to another kingdom to be killed with a secret letter detailing the order. Hamlet miraculously learns of this letter. It is not shown or explained whose incompetence is responsible for this, and he finally consolidates his resolve to kill the king, you know.

[00:02:06]Only 4 hours into the play.

[00:02:09]In the climax of the play, Hamlet has a duel, and everybody dies through dramatic irony, entirely disconnected from the conflict throughout the rest of this play.

[00:02:21]This tragedy is only justified by a random poison sword switch, the king being evil, and Hamlet not being stupid enough to drink poisoned wine during a duel. No sword switch, Hamlet dies. No evil king, no duel. If he drank the wine, Hamlet's dead again. The universe conspires to keep him alive until it conspires to have everybody die near simultaneously in the pursuit of brevity. I have stuck to the core moments of the story to assist your understanding of the abysmality that I'm about to show you.

[00:02:51]You see, after the time jump, not only was Hamlet racked with indecision, but he also pretends to be mad. Ha. The reason for this?

[00:02:59]Supposedly, it is to go under the king's radar, but obviously the opposite happens.

[00:03:04]In this fit of madness, Hamlet makes many a blunder, including verbally abusing his loving girlfriend to the point of suicide, stabbing the king's right-hand man to death, and arousing the concern of the king, because of course having an insane nephew is concerning. Oh, yeah, and he uh he also kills his old friends, where, you know, it's apparently too difficult to kill the usurper and family annihilator.

[00:03:27]Ironically, Shakespeare did not commit to being noncommittal. Grand gestures and soliloquies, ponderings on life, whether he should or should not kill his uncle, and instead killing everybody else for no good reason.

[00:03:39]The new king is also Hamlet's stepdad, by the way. To rub a bit more salt in the wound, and reason why Hamlet should resent and thus kill him, there are numerous reasons not present why someone swearing an oath of revenge might be slowed on that path. But without space, warlocks, dragons, or guards, there is simply nothing stopping Hamlet from killing the king, and everything stopping him from killing the others.

[00:04:02]Every story has a premise, a sort of microcosm of what an entire story is going to be, usually understandable from the very first scene of a story.

[00:04:09]A premise primes an audience to understand and digest the story that is about to unravel.

[00:04:13]The opening scene of Hamlet opens with divine powers coming from the heavens to seek justice for a horrendous crime.

[00:04:21]This promises a revenge story, like it would be pondering on the nature of justice, the divine and revenge. And instead, Hamlet delivers a lame cop-out answer of uncertainty. Instead of Hamlet having convictions and offering specific, interesting insights into his world, situation, and characters, his most famous soliloquy is "To be or not to be, that [snorts] is the question."

[00:04:46]And all this is is uncertainty. Uncertainty whether to live or die, broad-sweeping ideas without interesting insights into anything concrete.

[00:04:55]This story is a revenge tragedy where the revenge is half-assed and inconsistent, and the tragedy is arbitrary because the revenge is half-assed and inconsistent. Any other redeeming qualities pale beneath the unbearable weight of this rotten blood.

[00:05:09]Before I close out this video, I wanted to say, "Thank you for watching."

[00:05:13]Oh yeah, and also, "Debate me, lizards."