20 Traits of the High Functioning Fearful Avoidant

追加: 2026-05-01

[00:00:00]So many people start off thinking that they're anxiously attached and come to find out that they are fearful avoidant.

[00:00:06]Now this isn't everybody of course, but this is an experience I see quite frequently. In today's video, I am going to break down for you so that it is crystal clear 20 major traits of the high functioning fearful avoidant attachment style. You're going to see whether or not this is you or the people in your life. So stay tuned.

[00:00:26]>> [music] >> Fearful avoidants generally struggle to trust and this may not be something that's overt but more something that they kind of keep their cards close to their chest around. So they might seem really trusting and they might be trusting to certain things but deep down once they attach to somebody in a romantic relationship prior to attaching they seem pretty good with this. Once they really attach and develop strong feelings and a sense of vulnerability towards their partner, they often find themselves on high alert constantly feeling suspicious or questioning if they can really trust their partner or if their partner has their best intentions or will support them or you know there can just be a lot of questioning from everything around infidelity to lying to you know any form of betrayal and this can form somewhat of a preoccupation in the fearful avoidant's mind. What you'll see along with this is this hyper vigilance this ability to really read between the lines and notice shifts in patterns towards pretty much anything. With anxious preoccupied they tend to be hyper vigilant around the fear of abandonment. So if somebody shifts their behavior or a pattern changes in somebody's behavior in regards to abandonment, they'll really notice that but with a fearful avoidant it's like they notice it with anything. They they just notice changes in patterns for a multitude of reasons and they're really quick to pick up on any kind of differences or changes that they might see. Another big one is fearful avoidants tend to have these sort of like exaggerated trauma responses. So they might have really strong fight responses light responses, freeze response or even fawning response like that sort of people pleasing mode and you'll see that they tend to have an exaggerated version of all of those different responses but at different times and you'll see that this really comes out in the fearful avoidant's behavior when they're under stress.

[00:02:16]Fearful avoidants as well when you first meet them they tend to be quite charming and quite generous. They're very giving because of their core wounds they have around feeling unworthy or feeling you know like they sort of have to earn that worth and over compensate in their relationships and they fear being bad.

[00:02:32]Some of that sort of creates this behavior where they will really be generous overgive kind of overcompensate sometimes but they're really good at seeing into people and knowing what they want and what they need and supporting them in that. So they can be very charming they're really good at making people feel seen. They're really good at being like generous and accommodating and thoughtful towards other people when they are investing in a relationship but they do tend to have this sort of all or nothing pattern where they're really like that if they're really interested in somebody even if it's like a friendship or a family relationship but then they can really be withdrawn completely when something really isn't on their radar. And that goes again with that sort of like anxious and avoidant side and the sort of all or nothing scenarios that that can create at times.

[00:03:16]What you'll see as well with fearful avoidants is they are anxious when they're with somebody who's more avoidant than they are and they are dismissive when they are with somebody who's really anxious. They can really like go into that more dismissive avoidant side. So you'll see like that kind of swinging of the fearful avoidant in terms of who they are paired with in relationships.

[00:03:35]Fearful avoidants also tend to be highly empathetic they tend to be big feelers.

[00:03:39]They tend to take things to heart quite easily and although they seem quite feisty or fiery on the outside deep down they tend to have quite a empathetic space and and sort of a big heart and really be tuned into a lot of their strong feelings. They can also struggle with emotional volatility. They can be quicker to anger than most other attachment styles and it can be used something that's more consistent for them. And that anger can be something like it's expressed outwardly or it can be like internalized anger and frustration and again this just has a lot to do with the different core wounds that they have in their relationships.

[00:04:12]They can easily be triggered with others. Fearful avoidants tend to read people extremely well. They tend to be quite passionate people you'll see. They really light up around things and again this kind of comes back to that all or nothing dynamic where they're like all in or all out and on one side of thing they can be really passionate about being all in on something whether it's a relationship a project an idea but then they can also be like really passionate about how out they are around something like this is the end. I'm done with this situation and so you'll see this kind of all or nothing set of patterns of behavior. You'll see fearful avoidants also flip flop back and forth and nobody flip flops as much as a fearful avoidant when they are starting to attach to somebody in a relationship. They can really be like one day kind of going back to that all in behavior like I'm here I'm so you know happy with this person I like this person so much and then soon after they can be like I don't know about this. I think I should maybe consider leaving the relationship and it's not to the same degree that we would see something like splitting with somebody who's a borderline personality disordered person but like a lot of the questioning like really interested really in and then kind of really confused not sure if this is the right fit and and it just seems like their feelings can really oscillate. You won't see these like somebody's completely idealized and then that person is like the enemy. You won't see these extremes but a lot of the questioning of the relationship can show up quite strongly.

[00:05:32]You'll also see that fearful avoidants tend to have a lot of like guilt that they feel very easily. They can easily feel ashamed as well and kind of withdraw and they also really are passionate about deep connection in relationships. They're really looking to deeply connect with others and they don't do well often times with like a lot of the surface kind of conversation or connection in part because they are seeking transparency to feel safe. You know the more they can deeply know somebody the more they feel like they can understand and kind of cope with a relationship because to a fearful avoidant a relationship is something that's very much worth pursuing and a lovely thing and it's something that's really scary at the same time. So the more like context transparency information they have about somebody the more it releases the fears on the the sort of negative side of of things and then allows for them to pursue deep connection a little more fearlessly.

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[00:07:12]So this brings me to the next point which is fearful avoidants generally really like novelty. They can sometimes get bored with the mundane and they can sometimes feel like they are being drained by things that aren't interesting or exciting or challenging enough and so often fearful avoidants will need a certain degree of novelty in their relationships but you can have novelty and security at the same time.

[00:07:31]You can have trust and closeness and depth and consistency and do novel things together as a couple in a way to get that the novelty need met in a healthy form. Fearful avoidants as well they tend to be quite codependent and enmeshed. Will often really take on other people's feelings feel responsible for other people's feelings. Sometimes fearful avoidants will be like the heroes right? Like they try to come in and save the day and they'll be really available and really present when somebody's going through stress because it's a big subconscious comfort zone for them to be around that and to try to support that and so they feel really comfortable in that kind of chaos and will often get drawn into it and again if you don't have good boundaries in that process it can actually be at the expense of yourself but if you learn to have good boundaries you can go in and support and help people while taking yourself into consideration. Fearful avoidants also really value freedom and independence and part of it's because they appreciate that in their relationships themselves they tend to be kind of exploratory personalities but also it's because they are afraid to rely on others and be let down and feel helpless. So you can see that part of it's sponsored by truth and part of it's kind of sponsored by fear and those are important things to pay attention to as well and it's definitely fearful avoidants work to learn how to have interdependent relationships and have that healthy give and exchange. I hope this was helpful for you today. Thank you for watching. Thank you for listening. Please if you are enjoying this channel consider liking and subscribing and hitting the notification bell down below. I literally put out daily content for this channel. Thank you for being here and I look forward to seeing you in future videos.