I'm Doing (A Bit) Better Now

Added: 2026-05-05

[00:00:00]Well, it is a beautiful morning here at the homestead, guys. The garlic scapes are scaping. Probably should have cut these off by now. It's about 2 or 3 feet tall. Onions in front of me are maybe 3 ft tall, which is kind of crazy. I can smell the chamomile around me just wafting into my nose. And it's a pretty nice day. I will say though, gardening wise, it's been an odd spring. It has not been a spring that I would consider to be a classic spring, even for San Diego zone 10b standards. We had bouts of 90° Fahrenheit and above. We did not have a lot of rain. And there's just certain crops that I thought would be able to mature when it came time for spring, like any of our brasa style crops, broccoli, cauliflower, kale, so on, that really didn't struggle. They they just struggled in the heat. Just was a tough time. But you look at the bright side, and as you can tell, there's a lot going on here. But that's not what this video is about. This video is an update on some of the videos that I made in the past outlining uh some of the personal challenges that I've gone through over the last maybe one and a half to two years now. Although, I guess when I really look back, they just kept adding up until it finally broke. So, it's probably been years without knowing it. But, if you guys remember, I made a video late last year saying that I might leave the homestead, this place here that I've built over the last 5 years.

[00:01:22]And then on our main channel, Epic Gardening, I made a video saying that I did leave the homestead. And that was in January. Well, I left in November of last year. So, it's been about four months since I left. And it's just weird. I don't know how else to put it. It's just a weird feeling.

[00:01:38]And it's still kind of weird to come down here where I lived for four or five years. I lived with my girlfriend at the time. I I and we and all of us who spent time here made so many amazing memories at this place that's just all gone now.

[00:01:55]It's all gone. Uh that phase is just not it's just not here. I don't know how else to put it. Um and so when you walk through these these garden paths, you recall everything that was and you think about everything that will be. And it's just it's just a bizarre feeling because a lot of the times when chapters end, you move on.

[00:02:17]And in this case, I come back to a thing that once was something different. And that's just a uh it's just something that's taken some getting used to, you know. But I did want to say that in some of my updates that I made in the past about the health challenges I've gone through, both mental and physical.

[00:02:35]There's something I didn't really talk about that I wanted to open up about now because I really wish I had seen videos like the one I'm hopefully about to make when I was going through the hardest part of specifically a mental health struggle. And it's that I have something called OCD, obsessivecompulsive disorder or condition as I like to call it. I don't really like to call it a disorder, but it's something I realized I had in summer fall of 2024. I got a diagnosis for it. And specifically, I have something called pure OCD, which means that the compulsion part of the obsessive compulsive cycle for me mostly happens in my mind. It doesn't tend to show up with like excessive handwashing or checking the stove a 100 times. Um, because those aren't really my OCD themes. I have different themes that strike a lot of fear into me and cause the obsession and compulsion cycle.

[00:03:33]Nevertheless, it's still something that I struggle with. And I It's crazy because when I first found out that I had it, I literally wept like like a deep weeping. And uh I remember going, "Oh my god, it all makes sense. My whole life makes more sense now. What? That that I'm this way. I understand it now."

[00:03:53]Because I remember being like six or seven and I was convinced even back then. It's like one of my earlier memories of kind of like metacognition I guess. I remember thinking like is there something wrong with me? I feel like something's wrong with me. I can't tell what it is. So I asked my mom. I was like convinced that maybe she didn't tell me I had a birth defect or something, you know? Um and she's like, "What are you talking about? There's nothing wrong with you." And so I'd be like, "Okay, you know, they're okay."

[00:04:20]And then but there was always something like that in the mind. And once it finally cracked for me in summer 24 when I really had a steep decline, steep decline in my mental health, it's like the OCD part of the brain really unleashed itself, really latched on hard and I I it's like I I didn't understand what was happening. I legitimately thought I was losing my mind. Like I thought I was going insane.

[00:04:46]And I also thought that I would never ever be able to get out of it. I thought, "Oh my god, if it's like this forever, I'm not going to I don't want to be here. I'm going to have to do something about this to make it stop." Uh, obviously not good thoughts to have, right? So, um, the crazy part is the way that OCD is described in the media is atrocious.

[00:05:11]Like, it's so glamorized in a way. It's kind of like cleaned up where it's like, "Oh, you know, they're so quirky. They like to wash their hands a little bit." or people was like, "I'm so OCD. Like, I need to have my books in color order or something like that." That's not what it is. That is not And and that's what I thought it was before I got the diagnosis and really understood that that's what I was kind of dealing with.

[00:05:32]I was like, "Oh, yeah. It's like someone who likes to be really clean or someone who likes to be really tidy and they don't like germs or something like that, which is a theme that you can have called contamination OCD, like germ and health contamination. Um, but that's like one of many and it's really not like common. I mean, it's common, but there's so many different types. I know people now in the community of people who I have that have OCD now who have the craziest themes you could possibly think of. They don't make any sense. And that's that's the point of it. It doesn't make sense. And the craziest part is when you have it, you realize it doesn't make sense as it's happening. It doesn't matter though because the the level of realness that it feels I was just talking to Paul on the team. I was telling him the craziest thing about having OCD is when you have the fear that obsession that comes in the level of realness it feels is as real as the table in front of me right here. It's as real as if you were walking down the street and it's late at night and um a mugger puts a gun to your head and says, "Give me all your money or I'm going to kill you.

[00:06:39]the the level of scared you'd feel in that moment. I I'm sure you're watching.

[00:06:43]You can imagine how scared you might feel. That's how real it feels. It feels that real or more like life or death scenario. Your body's reacting that way.

[00:06:52]Your mind's reacting that way. All your senses are telling you this is a existential level fear or threat. And so of course it's understandable then that the compuls compulsive part of that cycle you'll do anything to make it go away which is why that cycle persists because as soon as you do that compulsive action that fear comes down the brain learns oh when I throw this out he gets really scared and he does this and it goes away. So, anytime this comes out, I'm going to I'm going to do this. And then it starts to cycle, cycle, cycle. Your life starts to shrink. You start to do things that make no sense to yourself or others. You know, that's what's happening and you still can't stop it. And then the craziest part is when it gets sort of meta where you start to fear the fact that you could be afraid forever is the best way I can put it.

[00:07:45]Um, it's like I don't know if you if this is like you as a kid, but I remember as a kid I was very scared of the concept of infinity and I would wake up at night either dreaming of rooms that would expand forever and they would never stop and I'd wake up screaming cuz it was so scary or sounds that would keep getting louder forever and then I'd wake up and scream cuz it was terrifying. It's that type of feeling where if you feel like um imagine if you're claustrophobic and you knew for a fact you were going to be stuck in a coffin your whole life. Well, you would just not be here. You would just jump off the bridge or something like that.

[00:08:20]Um that's what it feels like in the mind. You go, "Oh, if I'm going to be in this cycle forever," then you start getting scared even that you could get scared. It's called fear of fear in that sort of world. Uh and so it got to that level for me. Um, and and I just didn't know what was going on. I didn't know how to deal with it because I did not understand the condition. And not only that, people around me did not understand the condition. I can't blame them. They don't have it. I had it. I didn't understand it. How could they understand it if they do do don't even have it, right? But I tried things like I was going to talk therapy for a couple years. And unfortunately, talk therapists who aren't trained in OCD actually exacerbate OCD symptoms in in almost everyone they deal with. So well-intentioned as they were, talk therapy did not help me at all wi with this. In fact, probably made it worse for a couple years before I ended up stopping going because I realized the damage that it was causing. Um, so you you you really have to go to a trained specialist in OCD, deeply understand the cycle, and work your best to not give in to the compulsive urges. Because basically, I don't know what it is.

[00:09:29]Maybe it's like some sort of vestage of our survival style brain from however long ago we evolved that part of the brain, the amydala. Um, but it does seem like some percentage of the population has this ability to for their brain to get in this locked stuck loop which is that cycle. there is a way out. And which is why I like to call it a um condition and not necessarily a disorder or a disease because I do believe that I can currently recover from it. I'm not really recovered now. I'm doing better.

[00:10:06]Like the title of the video says, I'm doing a lot better. I'm able to leave the home. I'm able to make choices in life. I'm able to exercise, lose weight.

[00:10:14]I mean, there was a time where I couldn't get off the couch. I couldn't I couldn't really like if I walked upstairs I would my heart would go crazy high crazy crazy high. Um and that's all changing slowly but man is it slow. It's taken a long time in my mind at least to to make some of these changes and start seeing some results from it. But I am seeing results. And so that's why I wanted to make the video. I wanted to share with you guys all the changes that we've made here at the homestead. Um they're actually paying some kind of fruit. you know, now, is it the life that I thought I would have? Not really.

[00:10:50]Not really. I mean, there's there's really cool things that I've done. Um, since I left the homestead, I got into obviously drawing. I'll put some of my drawings up here on the screen for you guys. I've really gotten into art and drawing lately cuz it helps me focus on something that isn't the thoughts in the head. Um, I recently started doing a little bit of pottery, which has been fun. Obviously, I've been hitting up the gym quite a bit lately. Um, I've been sleeping better. So, I'm literally spending more time sleeping, which is great. Uh, for a while, I was getting under or maybe at most 5 hours of sleep for maybe a year and a half or so. And, um, all these changes are are really making a difference. And I'm starting to feel like a little bit of life coming back into the system, you know? So, I'm happy about that. But I did want to make this video because if any of you out there are struggling with something you feel similarly about like these sort of obsessions and compulsions and I I need to do this or I can't stop thinking about this to the point where it's causing you intense panic, intense anxiety, intense fear, sadness, depression, etc. I mean, I was heavily depressed because how could you not be if you're spending most of the day lost, not even lost, stuck in thought and and then also having panic attacks. Like, you're not going to be the most jovial guy on the planet, right? Like, you're not going to be fun to be around. Um, you're going to take a toll on everyone around you. And that's the unfortunate part about having these types of conditions is it starts to be this kind of downward spiral where it's not like, oh, just start going for a walk. It's like, no, you need to pull yourself out of a hole that's pulling you down. So, the force of coming up out of that hole needs to be greater than the force pulling you down at a time when you don't have a lot of force to give. So, you need to summon basically like otherworldly strength to drag yourself out um to the point where you can even start making positive changes and moving up this upward spiral. I'm going to put a video out on my personal channel, which is just my name, Kevin Espiritu, describing a little bit more in depth um some of my struggles going through what's called pure OCD, where most of my compulsions are happening in the mind, not necessarily in the real world, although there are some as well, researching, checking, googling, etc. Um I'm going to put it out on that channel if you guys want to go over there and take a subscribe. That's going to be my personal channel where I'm talking about like fun experiments I'm doing, health stuff, whatever. you can go go give that a look see. But this is just an update for those of you who who are interested in on the more personal side of things.

[00:13:27]I know I don't do this all that often, but I'm feeling kind of called to like put this one out there because if I had seen a video describing some of this symptomology that I've gone through earlier before it really got bad for me, maybe I could have avoided it. I think I maybe could have. And so hopefully this video can save uh someone from the things that that I went through. And um yeah, as always, feel free to reach out to me in the comments. I'll do my best to respond. And now I'm going to spend some time in the garden, guys. So I'll see you on the next one. Good luck in the garden and keep on growing.