Celestyal Cruises Exposes The Luxury Cruise Scam! #luxurycruiseship #celestyalcruises

Added: 2026-05-09

[00:00:00]Hey there, and welcome to or welcome back to No Pants Profits. My name is Richard, and today I'm coming to you from the Celestial Journey, and I got to talk about something. I love this ship from Celestial Cruises, but most other cruise lines have lost their goddamn minds. They want you to pay $10,000 for a slightly larger room with a special restaurant and a butler whose name Sebastian. No, no, no, not that crab. Look at his seaweed. It's always green. No. Sebastian.

[00:00:34]Oh, the second you need him, he's gone. He won't unpack your clothes.

[00:00:37]He won't do anything like that. And the pricing is absolutely insane.

[00:00:45]I mean, come on.

[00:00:47]Explora Journeys Yacht Club, The Haven, Rockstar, The Retreat. They're selling you the idea that you need luxury by making everything else so shitty that the only way to get something good is to pay up.

[00:01:02]But what if I told you I'm having more fun on Celestial Cruises than on any other luxury line I've been on before for a fraction of the price. Look, I'm going to show you my Dark and Stormy I just ordered.

[00:01:16]It's ridiculous. I'm on the pool deck.

[00:01:18]Yes, it looks like the pool deck on Explora. This is this is a 1994 cruise ship with the best internet I've ever used in my life.

[00:01:28]And that's my mai tai.

[00:01:29]It's got a goddamn lime boat in it.

[00:01:32]I'm not joking about this. It's got a boat in it.

[00:01:35]You know, it's crazy. Some of these premium experiences on these cruises, these new cruises in 2026, you know, from Princess, from Royal, The Star of the Seas. I know this is for 2025, but all these brand new cruises, they seem like they've lost the magic of what cruising used to be.

[00:01:55]And they're less authentic.

[00:01:57]Less authentic and less fun than this budget line. So, you know what? Let's talk about luxury for 1/5 the price.

[00:02:06]And yeah, I'm wearing my money jacket.

[00:02:09]So, what? And when they give me lines, I make lemonade.

[00:02:14]Let's go.

[00:02:17]So, let's talk part one here. And yes, I'm legitimately sitting at the captain's table here. It's usually stanchioned off. It didn't have a stanchion on.

[00:02:25]Let's talk part one. You know, luxury cruising today has become one giant status competition. Who gives you more?

[00:02:32]Who charges less? MSC used to be the value leader. But here's what you're paying for. You're not buying a cruise anymore. You're literally buying separation from poor people.

[00:02:43]I know it's serious. And congratulations.

[00:02:46]You paid $14,000 to avoid the buffet.

[00:02:50]Or if you're on MSC's new ones, uh we we take away the new things from you.

[00:02:54]$14,000 to avoid the buffet. Meanwhile, on the Celestia, I've taken over the captain's table.

[00:03:03]They got people dancing, singing. Maybe I cut to that. Everyone's hanging out together. The bars are packed. The white party did the And everybody's dancing in a circle and everything like that.

[00:03:17]The entertainment?

[00:03:21]We can work on that. The crew remember you. Look, it's still not all-inclusive thing. So, you got to have your card for drinks and stuff like that. They do have drink packages. You can buy more drinks if you go over the drink package. And here's the fun thing. You can actually share your drink package. One drink package across your entire cabin or believe it or not, even multiple cabins.

[00:03:39]But the crew, they remember you. They know you by name. Even for some reason, security knows me by name.

[00:03:44]I question those things.

[00:03:46]You know, and people are having fun instead of being on a goddamn floating Rolex commercial. Look, I survived the one-third of a cruise on Explora Journeys before I angered too many boozy people with my fun suits.

[00:03:59]But that's the thing, you're paying to be separate from the poor people.

[00:04:05]Is it really worth paying $14,000? This cruise was like $1,000 a person for seven nights authentic experience and a $600 drink package that I get 15 drinks a day and can share across my cabin or across multiple cabins.

[00:04:23]Mhm.

[00:04:25]Here's the question.

[00:04:27]What do you really get with those expensive lines?

[00:04:30]Let's move somewhere else and talk about it. But now, you know, here's an important thing.

[00:04:34]We're sitting in the casino.

[00:04:37]Why Celestial feels more luxurious than the other lines. I'm on Celestial right now. Real luxury is having fun without the financial stress.

[00:04:45]Look, on Celestial, the drinks are not outrageously priced. There's a drink package you can share. The atmosphere is not filled with pretentious [ __ ] like Explora Journeys who want to 10x everything they're doing.

[00:05:00]The ports are incredible.

[00:05:02]I think it's amazing. We stopped in Cor- No, not Corfu. We stopped in Kotor, Montenegro and we were the only ship that docked. And there was a Celebrity ship >> [cough] [clears throat] >> that I was supposed to be on before they unceremoniously canceled it on me and a Norwegian ship, which we we still cool with Norwegian, so we ain't going to talk [ __ ] Um, the crew feel human.

[00:05:23]Look, some of the crew here, right back here, they wear kilts and when they wear kilts, they say they're not wearing underwear.

[00:05:29]There's an entire crew magic show that was done here that was at the level that should have been at the Magic Castle.

[00:05:36]I mean, come on.

[00:05:38]I you don't need spreadsheets to justify your vacation. Look, if you know me, if you know me, I love bubble roulette.

[00:05:45]I put 50 euro into bubble roulette at the beginning of this cruise.

[00:05:49]Keep printing out tickets and other stuff like that. My 50-euro in the bubble roulette has become And the casino's closed right now, so I can't really make up this ticket.

[00:05:59]50-euro in, 701 euro and 15 cent out. I have never had a losing session in this casino.

[00:06:07]Yeah, the casino's run by three staff.

[00:06:10]Yeah, there's like six of us that play here.

[00:06:13]But look, your minimum bet is 5 euros on blackjack. Yeah, it's 6 to 5, not 2 to 3.

[00:06:19]And yes, we're in Europe, and your minimum bet is a dollar on roulette. The problem is your maximum is $10, so you can only martingale or Fibonacci so long. And you know, they've got three card poker, but no ultimate Texas hold 'em. It's even so funny, there's a pit boss stand, but the pit boss is usually one of the dealers.

[00:06:42]This is cruising like it's 1994.

[00:06:45]And when I was 19 when it was 1994, good god, I was 7 or 8 years old.

[00:06:51]This ship is 32 years old.

[00:06:57]And it's in perfect condition.

[00:06:58]Has the best Wi-Fi I've ever seen.

[00:07:01]You know what's luxurious?

[00:07:03]Walking off the ship with extra money in your god damn bank account. Not people nickel and diming you. Full honesty, I've been nickel and dimed one time in the last 7 days, and that's when I got on the ship.

[00:07:13]They tried to sell me a holder for my key for four 4 euro. Three euro Three or four euro. And they had them They had a sign in the room as well to do it, but I think too many people didn't realize they cost money, so now they sell them to you uh when you're getting on kind of help you do that. Look, if you want to go on a cruise and not spend your mortgage payment for access to a private sun deck with SIX SAD CABANAS, >> [laughter] >> CELEBRITY, YOU KNOW, THE LAWN CLUB.

[00:07:44]THAT'S ALL I'M GOING TO SAY.

[00:07:46]WELL, this might be the place for you at a much lower price.

[00:07:53]But next we're going to talk about the secret that the industry doesn't want you to know. Look guys, here's the thing. The secret the industry doesn't want to say.

[00:08:01]A lot of these premium cruises, suite experiences, all that are built around one thing.

[00:08:07]Making you, if you book an inside cabin on deck four, feel inadequate.

[00:08:14]Look, they make standard cruising feel worse so you upgrade. Who would have expected that?

[00:08:20]I'm Celestille here and looks, let's be honest, companies like Margaritaville at Sea and stuff, they don't really play that game.

[00:08:26]Feels like old school cruising. We're going to cruise like it's 1994. Take a look, this is their martini bar here.

[00:08:32]We're going to cruise like it's 1994. I have this drink coming. Let's see right here, it's called the sparkler. Okay?

[00:08:38]Other ships are just going to throw together a drink and it's not going to have a pirate ship in it or anything like that. They don't play that game. It's old school cruising. It's the best cocktails I've ever seen, period.

[00:08:50]Not on a cruise ship, period and they're they're very lucky cuz I I'm going to eat adrenaline this time next week. So I won't be able to say that after this because Eat Adrenaline is a theme park ride with cocktails and food on the ride. Look, you're on a cruise for the itinerary, the culture, the people, the nightlife, the randomness, the story. And honestly, what does your suite cabin have to do with that?

[00:09:14]That's why I keep having a better time.

[00:09:16]You sit around here, they line up everything on the bar and there's a magic show. These boys right here do the magic show.

[00:09:23]This boy right here doesn't wear underwear for two nights of the cruise. Let's be honest, magic show night and formal night, there are no underwear. It's a kilt. Well, you don't wear anything under a kilt and he does a really good Shrek impression, doesn't he? SHREK AND DONKEY.

[00:09:39]ALL I'M ALL ALL RIGHT, DONKEY.

[00:09:43]BUT, YOU KNOW, this these little things, look. What you're about to see is something that Carnival does, too. What you're about to see right here. But, they do it in a much different way, in a much higher volume way. This is called the Sparkler.

[00:09:55]This drink is coming right now. Figured I might as well put something in. It's by the Mediterranean taste and Greek sophistication. A sophisticated cocktail with the liquid elegance of champagne with sunny fruitiness. It's a mix of Cordon Bleu champagne and Chateau de Gallant.

[00:10:09]Passion fruit, Belvedere vodka, grapefruit juice. Contains sulfites. If you have too much of that, that means you're going to get a headache. You ever see what says contains sulfites? Says you're going to get a headache. But, the level of care He's He's He's taking off just enough to fit the bubble in.

[00:10:24]The level of care that goes into these drinks is insane. Here we go.

[00:10:31]Look at that.

[00:10:35]What time is it? Bubble o'clock. What time is it? Bubble o'clock. Uh, it didn't work.

[00:10:39]>> [music] >> What time is it? Bubble Oh, there we go.

[00:10:41]Uh.

[00:10:43]The bubble premature.

[00:10:46]You need better bubble solution there.

[00:10:48]Come on.

[00:10:49]He's got it.

[00:10:50]We're going to do another bubble on top?

[00:10:52]Oh, no. Now we're going to fill the bubble there. Oh.

[00:10:56]You keep bursting my bubble here, JD.

[00:11:03]There we go.

[00:11:05]All right.

[00:11:08]So, now we have to make a wish and kiss it.

[00:11:11]And hold it by the stem because they colored the glass.

[00:11:20]I wish cruise lines would stop being so [ __ ] in the US because this is a whole 'nother level.

[00:11:29]And I don't even need a suite.

[00:11:34]Look, he's trying to do special effect and it's Oh.

[00:11:40]>> [laughter] >> So many bubbles. Tiny bubbles in the rain.

[00:11:48]But here's the thing.

[00:11:50]Celestyal's not perfect.

[00:11:52]I'm going to try this drink.

[00:11:55]See if this is good.

[00:11:56]Let me talk.

[00:11:57]Cuz the lack of luxury does have a few flaws.

[00:12:04]But this drink definitely ain't one.

[00:12:06]>> Look, that drink was delicious, but let's talk value comparisons and trade-offs. For the price of one luxury suite on most cruise lines, you could take multiple Celestyal cruises. Instead of taking one 7-day cruise, come over here take a back-to-back Celestyal cruise, fully loaded, all the drinks, all the dining packages, all the Wi-Fi packages, which the Wi-Fi's fantastic. I think it's my second time saying it.

[00:12:28]This video is going to get uploaded on the last day of the cruise on the Wi-Fi.

[00:12:31]Think about that.

[00:12:32]Everything, all that, for 2 weeks, for significantly less than 1 week on an ultra luxury cruise. You can save some extra days in Greece. You can eat at local restaurants. I was just talking to someone who just ate outside all the time. You know, you can buy excursions. You can gamble responsibly.

[00:12:55]Responsibly.

[00:12:57]250, all right, five. Responsibly. Most responsibly. Or uh you know, another five, and then a hundred.

[00:13:05]And all this to spend less money.

[00:13:07]But look, let's be honest.

[00:13:09]There's some trade-offs here.

[00:13:11]This ship is from 1994. Much like Margaritaville takes older ships. Both this ship and Margaritaville very similar. I was going to call this the Margaritaville of Greek, but it's much higher end. This is like Celebrity Cruises meets Explorer. The outside looks just like it.

[00:13:25]Again, like I said, Celestyal's not perfect. The ship's not the newest.

[00:13:29]You're not getting a marble bathtub the size of a Miami apartment. You may not get 16 pillows on a menu created by Scandinavian monks.

[00:13:38]But you know what you do get?

[00:13:40]A cruise line that actually feels alive at a fraction of the cost. There's life on this ship. It's on the pool deck right now. I'm not there.

[00:13:46]Well, maybe I am there.

[00:13:48]Cuz we got to finish it up there.

[00:13:51]And much like a Carnival Journeys cruise, we might have a little bit of a boat to sink. You know what? I interrupt this review for turkey. Really good looking turkey.

[00:14:03]Got the sauce. Got the sauce. Look at that turkey roast turkey roulade.

[00:14:11]Yeah. Some of you are like, "What's the food?"

[00:14:20]That is my farm.

[00:14:22]The best non-smoked turkey I've ever had.

[00:14:25]Non-smoked turkey.

[00:14:26]Non-smoked.

[00:14:28]I still got to go outside to finish up.

[00:14:31]So, I guess maybe the real luxury cruise line experience is um not getting financially assaulted by your cruise line. Not needing to sell one of your uh working body parts that you have a drank too much on to actually afford a cruise.

[00:14:48]Maybe it's just good ports, strong drinks, fun people, late nights, and not needing a goddamn payment plan for your location.

[00:14:59]But tell me in comments, would you rather sail Explora, Yacht Club, The Haven, RockStar on Virgin, The Retreat, or save a pile of money by sailing on this unknown cruise line that everybody thought was Crystal Cruises Lines?

[00:15:15]Sometimes the best cruise experiences are the ones that don't pretend they're better than everyone else.

[00:15:23]And instead of trying to go against the grain, maybe you can just go ahead and float your own boat.

[00:15:39]No.

[00:15:41]Well, that must be those other luxury lines circling down the drain.

[00:15:48]You can grab it. Thanks, kids.

[00:15:53]Well, I want to see if it floats.

[00:15:54]Biggers, grab it. Come here. It's a boat.

[00:15:58]Thank you.

[00:15:59]It's not a good boat.

[00:16:02]We call this everyone that's not Celestial Cruises or Margaritaville.

[00:16:08]And when you're wearing no pants, all you've got left to lose is your money jacket.

[00:16:14]Bye.