Have Over-the-Top Proms Replaced Weddings for Black Americans? | Jason Whitlock Harmony

Added: 2026-05-30

[00:00:02]Yeah, we're living in harmony.

[00:00:14]All right, welcome to the Harmony Channel. I'm Jason Whitlock, your host.

[00:00:18]Uh, I want to apologize for anybody that listened to the end of Fearless and you're expecting an interview uh with Gabrielle Clark and the story that I promised. We had some technical difficulties and the interview got compromised. And so what you saw from me and Eric Schmidt, the senator from Missouri, was an interview I taped with him this morning where I was previewing Gabrielle Clark. But anyway, it's been compromised. We've switched topics. What you're seeing to the uh right of me or I don't know where to the side of me are these black prom videos and these these extravagant deals that people are throwing for the prom. They're spending a lot of money uh on these proms, going to a lot of trouble and expense uh for these proms. And there's a woman I had never heard of until uh yesterday or this morning named Mary Morgan that tweeted out something that I found fascinating and I was like, man, I got to talk to Shemica and Dano about this.

[00:01:28]Uh, a So, here's the tweet. A white woman on Tik Tok said that ghetto prom is flashy and over-the-top because it's the closest thing they have in their culture to weddings.

[00:01:44]She got dragged for saying it, but many black people in the comments begrudgingly agreed with her point. In this kid's case, it's a last to blah blah, but you don't need that part. This is someone that had one of these extravagant black proms and ended up getting harmed, I think, killed. But regardless, the point that I want to talk about is have things gotten so bad as it relates to marriage and family that we've started a new tradition that the prom is the peak of black love.

[00:02:25]and it has to be celebrated and money spent on it like it's a wedding.

[00:02:31]Is is that where we've gone? It's a fascinating question. It's a fascinating point that some woman over Tik Tok and it has to be answered and it's it's sad if true. Uh I found this uh powerful.

[00:02:48]Obviously, I'm bringing Delano on because family and the black family is Delano's passion. He's got a book coming out in June, The Vanishing Black Family.

[00:02:59]Obviously, uh, Shemica will be a great voice on this topic. But I I want to start with you, Dano. H Have you ever heard someone suggest that black people are now spending monies on prom and tying up a lot of emotion in the prom as a replacement for weddings?

[00:03:21]Yes, I've actually heard that probably a few years ago was probably the first time I heard it. Um, and people have made, you know, that observation. I think it's it's a two-part thing. One, the prom also signals, you know, the end of a high school career, so to speak.

[00:03:36]So, it there's a celebration aspect in in that respect, but then it's also, you know, this notion that, okay, boy and girl together, got on the dresses, you know, you're renting nice cars and so on and so forth. And so I' I have heard people make that connection and and I saw I think this morning Dr. Anthony Bradley um who does you know a lot of research around um men boys fatherhood made a sim a similar observation. So this is not the first time I've heard it as is the case I think in the age of the internet these things are getting even more extravagant. Um but it it is an interesting trend and I I do wonder if we were to track let's say over the last call it 10 to 15 years what percentage of these kids have actually gone on to get married um or to or to get married before having kids. It would be an interesting you know little research project. Well, for you know, take my parents' generation, old wedding pictures were a staple. You know, everybody in the family would go back to look at pictures that was a state. Oh, that's what auntie so and so looked like when blah blah. But and now I I think this generation is going to be looking back at prom pictures the way previous generations look back at wedding pictures. And for me, Delano, this is sad.

[00:05:00]Is it sad, frustrating? You know what what's your take?

[00:05:07]>> Well, I I try not to be the type of person that looks at people having a good time and find something wrong with it. I I just try not to be that that guy. But if if it really is suggestive of a greater trend, then then it's certainly concerning. And honestly, Jason, even if we want to go to modern weddings, the the cost of weddings has gone up. The number of people going into debt to get married has gone up. There are people who will have and and I'm sort of speaking, you know, metaphorically, but they they want to have a million- dollar wedding in a 5-cent marriage. So, even if we want to go to in that direction, we see sort of some of these these troubling trends. I think it's doubly so if you have kids whose parents are balling out to send them to the prom, right? and then these kids are not even forming families in the future. So to me the underlying phenomenon is really the concern. But if if you know some family want to gather together to send off you know you know their their little boy or little girl I'm I'm not going to get upset about it.

[00:06:04]I didn't go to my prom, right? I had things set up. This you know the young lady I was supposed to go with sort of fronted on me and I just say you know what later for you and I just kept my money in my pocket and I just you know ate some chicken wings and and watched some sports. So, so I'm I'm I'm not really a big prom guy, but I I don't I'm not concerned as much about the the the display as I am about the underlying phenomenon.

[00:06:32]that it's interesting you say that because I think what you celebrate does matter and the lengths are what you go to celebrate something as like in the because adults are participating in this cuz they're financing and you hear them in the background uh look at them what kind of shoes them is and I didn't play video but you hear them so and someone has given the kids this money that many of them are flashing And it it's like, okay, what are we really celebrating here?

[00:07:08]>> The adults in the room should know like, hey, man, these kids may never even speak to each other after tonight. Uh, this isn't some life partner. And I hope that this young man doesn't impregnate my daughter or give her an STD tonight.

[00:07:25]>> Uh, you know, I I I just So, what are we really as adults? What are we celebrating? And again, that's what kind of makes me sad because, you know, a steak dinner at a fourstar hotel and or I mean a four-star restaurant. So, I I do think what we celebrates matters. And that's why I'm kind of sad because there seems to be a celebration of m radical materialism.

[00:07:53]But let me say this Jason u before you go to Shmica because I actually the specific video that you were playing in the beginning is worth talking about because in one of those videos you saw a young man he was flashing a lot of cash.

[00:08:06]>> I've seen reports that that young man was actually killed. Yes.

[00:08:09]>> I don't know if he was killed on his prom night or at some point after that.

[00:08:13]And there's an even larger overarching phenomenon that's going on here, which is that in a lot of these communities, particularly for young men to make it to the age of 21 or 25 is an accomplishment. I I've literally been in rooms where guys will say, "I ain't think I was going to I didn't think I was going to live till 21 years old or 25 years old." So, part of the reason I think you see such over-the-top celebrations is because some of these these uh problems are taking place in communities where there really is not a lot to celebrate and young men don't live long enough to to have a full life.

[00:08:49]So when you see this kid go from flashing stacks of money to now the the quote unquote celebration of life is going to be in the church where they're laying him to rest. I can understand why people who live in those circumstances think okay you know June Bug is turning 18. He he got he going to prom with Felicia. We have to throw a big bash because they're living in a sort of a cultural context where it's like literally tomorrow is not promised today. So, we're gonna live it up today as if he might not be here tomorrow. Um, and I and I think that's part of what's going on here. Not just the we're not getting married and forming families, but it's also many of our young boys are not living full lives.

[00:09:35]>> Yeah. And even if not death, well, by, you know, 17, 18, 19, the stats are overwhelming that you may end up incarcerated. that this is like the peak.

[00:09:46]>> High school graduation and prom night is your peak >> at 18.

[00:09:52]>> That's what we're celebrating. I think that's a bad message, Shemica. You you you had three daughters that are now out of high school. Anyway, what's your take on this, >> Jason? I absolutely think prom is replacing weddings. I actually did a show on it back in April and it was titled, "Have proms replace weddings?"

[00:10:12]And I think we have to be honest that in the black community, we have gotten so used to uh celebrating and we've chosen celebrating over actual achievements.

[00:10:23]We're not achieving anything by going to the prom. Prom used to be just an event.

[00:10:29]It was memories. Now it's like a full out episode for social media. And I think it's just it's silly. But as more uh bigger milestones become less certain, we're putting a lot of emphasis on those smaller milestones. That's why you see now even 8th grade graduation.

[00:10:48]They made it so because a lot of parents couldn't look forward to the high school graduation. So they made eighth grade graduations this really big thing. And now we're seeing the same thing with prom. We're seeing the same thing with baby showers and gender reveals. they're getting so huge because there is no wedding to come. And so I do think that we have to actually look at what the I I'm not trying to say we can't celebrate kids, right? My kids went to prom. I went to prom 10th, 11th, and 12th grade.

[00:11:24]But we have to look at the effort being put in put in the the effort we're putting into prom, uh, months of planning, thousands of dollars versus the effort we're putting into education, the effort we're putting into teaching them conflict resolution skills, the effort that we're putting into discipline. we're putting a lot of effort into material things but not actual substance that's going to make them productive uh citizens. And so I think that's where we really need to be focused like we're putting effort in all the wrong things that that they're wearing Louis Vuitton. Well, how do they carry themselves out in public? As we've been seeing lately, not so good. The the other thing I think of my generation and just my experience when I was in the ghetto, uh, graduated from high school, big deal. When my mother moved us into a working class suburb, graduating high school became far less of a big deal because felt like half the kids that I went to high school with had some sort of college aspirations. they wanted to go to college. And so, you know, I I I have and I'm sitting here searching my brain. I have no memories of my high school graduation. None. I can't I don't remember where it was at.

[00:12:53]I don't remember what. And I was My high school experience was tremendous. I was the captain of a nationally ranked football team. I was pro I was the most popular kid in my class. And our class was close to a thousand people. It's not a small school. was a big major school with kids from everywhere. I don't remember my high school graduation at all. I remember my college graduation. I remember the party we threw after my college graduation. I remember the fact that was the big accomplishment. I got a picture of me and my grandmother, Mama Lovey, at my college graduations. I don't have any pictures from my high school graduation. I'm talking I'm in my high school's Hall of Fame. I love my high school. My high school loves me. I have no memories of it in a in a real way. Uh, and so to me, I I look at this prom thing and and again, these graduating high school isn't much of an accomplish. I don't think it was much when I was in high school, and it was much harder to graduate high school when I was in high school. Now, it's really easy. you show up and you're not incarcerated at the time that they're trying to give you a diploma. And so th this overemphasis on celebration and under emphasis on doing the difficult things uh that are accomplishments I think is is troubling. It's just a a bad sign. She follow up on that then Delano follow in right behind her.

[00:14:32]Yeah, I think that, you know, I do remember my my high school graduation and we went to Golden Corral afterwards, but it was expected. You know, we're now trying to celebrate things that we should be expecting children to do. You should be expected to get through 8th grade. You should be expected to graduate high school. And now we're making it these big deals because we don't expect anything from them. And remember, we're in the age now where we're teaching kids that they are oppressed. Every time we turn around, they're oppressed. They can't get ahead.

[00:15:08]The white man has his foot on their neck. So, you know, if you are able to do this, we have to go all out because look what we did. We can uh show stacks of money and jets and helicopters for the prom. It's like we're celebrating things that should be expected, very small milestones that everybody should accomplish. And so it really bothers me that we're putting so much emphasis on such small things because we have uh such low expectations for our kids nowadays.

[00:15:44]And I I would add this to to piggyback on on what Shemica was saying, and I I'll draw in a sports analogy, which is when when you're a team that's not used to winning a um a great win in the regular season, well, let's say you're college, now everybody storms the court. or if you're in the pros like yes we we we beat I remember as a you know dieh hard long-suffering Cowboys fan I remember a few years in the Romo years when they beat Seattle um Seahawks during the regular season OH MY GOSH YES WE BEAT Seattle but when you're a team that's used to winning even that first playoff victory it's okay we've been here before even the championship game we've been here before so I I think the level of of celebration and expression to your point, Shemica, um is a reflection of whether you have a winning culture or a losing culture. And I think to your point, Shemica, we have black folk have accepted this frame of eternal oppression and marginalization to such an extent that winning actually feels like an existential threat. We we don't really know how to win. Which is why when black kids grow up in the suburbs with in a two parent home with with, you know, a mom work for NASA and the dad is a lawyer, you want to cosplay on the weekends like, you know, he's from West Baltimore or Southeast DC or North Philly or Southside Chicago because we're much more comfortable w within a narrative that says we're a loser. Either and we don't put it that way, but it's either I got it about out the mud or I was oppressed, I was marginalized. That's why we always go back to to the lowest point either in our cultural history or even our family history because that's where we feel most comfortable. But at a certain point, we got we have to learn how to win. And when you win, you when you're a winning when you have a winning culture, you act like you've been there before.

[00:17:40]And that's why even within the community, if if you go to the types of black folk who who summer on Martha's Vineyard, I guarantee you that they're not one, high school's expected. two, um, a fool and his money are soon parted. So, they're they're not spending a whole bunch of money on a jet for for a kid who's going to a prom because they're going to save that for the wedding. Um, so it's not even like this is universal, but in the pockets where winning is not expected, then we should expect to see more of this.

[00:18:09]>> Let me >> I'm sorry.

[00:18:11]>> Go ahead. Go ahead, Shmeica. No, just to Delano's point, the the fact that we this whole get it out the mud or wanting to be seen as, you know, I was uh struggling on the corner selling dope and it it is a bunch of cosplaying. I have some kids here just in this community raised in two parent households with professional parents who one is now serving 18 years uh for murder. The other just was arrested for drug trafficking. And it's like this idea that the things that are so negative are celebrated. So many people want to be seen as hip and cool, want to be seen as down. I'm black. I keep it 100. And it's so sad that to be black or to be celebrated in black culture is to be a failure so many times or to just have this negative lifestyle that we tried to turn around and and glorify the drug dealing and the thugging and it's it's sad what it's doing to the kids. I I want to uh offer a a slight different perspective or piggyback off Delano's perspective about uh the the sports used to winning and and the the I don't think it's because that paints the picture well I got to see it before I want it and because that is kind of the prevailing sentiment of like if we give people these these accomplishments, these titles, and then you've seen people like you have this blah blah blah. And it's really, it's not about used to winning. It's about are you focused on winning? And I say that because uh my dad didn't graduate high school.

[00:20:01]My mother graduated high school, but was a factory worker. uh me, my brother, my stepsister, and even my stepbrother.

[00:20:13]I I don't we didn't have a bunch of family members or any that I remember that graduated from college any close, but there was a focus on winning and doing things. And and so once you adjust your focus, you can now accomplish things. And so we're not focused on winning >> and and because you don't have to be used to it to have it. It Yeah. You uh Tony Dunie takes over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. They haven't been winning, >> but he gave them a winning focus. And uh when I think of other programs that have been built that had no Kirk Signetti shows up at Indiana, they haven't been winning. Uh uh Deion Sanders shows up at Colorado. They haven't been winning, but he's putting a focus on winning. And so, it's not about what you're used to. It's about what you're focused on. And we're not focused on the right things. That's what this show, these conversations.

[00:21:14]That's why I think your book is so important, Delano, because what we have now is a focus on prom.

[00:21:23]And we got young girls and now even young boys fantasizing about prom night.

[00:21:31]And I grew up and you guys grew up uh and less me than you guys where there was a focus on getting married and women sat around and dreamed about wedding days and finding the right man and blah blah blah. That was the focus on marriage. Now it's on prom night and can I find a guy that I can put up with for a night because literally for a night who will go in him and their family may go into debt or spend a bunch of money on my idolatry because all of this behavior is idolatrous. They're making themselves idols and documented it on camera and putting it on Instagram and again for for me and it's not this is all a struggle for me. I'm not I'm not there yet. But this whole deal about let me do a night that celebrates me. That's idolatry.

[00:22:30]I'm not worthy of celebration. I I'm just And I'm not saying I'm doing everything right, but people for years have been like, "Man, Whitlock's really not into his birthdays and he's cuz I'm just not I don't celebrating me for what? I know how awful I am and and you know, celebrating others. I I'll do it and participate in it, but it's just not my thing. But that that I see all of this behavior as idolatrous, and I see it as the wrong focus. We're baiting kids into dreaming about their prom night when >> Delano and his book are saying, "No, the real dream is marriage. That's how you win marriage." Delano.

[00:23:12]>> Yeah. I I I like sort of how you you piggybacked on that and you talk about the focus. But I will say this, to get to the focus, you have to have the right definition because Jason, to your point, um especially over the last 15 years, I met a bunch of college graduates who I don't consider, you know, winning because college is now where you go to learn that men can get pregnant. So I I part of it is just how how we're defining it. And I see this all the time, particularly in a social media.

[00:23:42]Everybody's always talking about, you know, I got this degree. I saw a clip on Instagram yesterday. I think it was from Kevin Frasier has a new show and he was talking about relationships between black men and black women. And the woman on there was just like, you know, cuz a lot of black men are intimidated by us because we we doing this. We got the most degrees. We started the most businesses. And I said, "Oh Lord, here we go again with this nonsense." And and for a lot of people, they'll say, "Oh, we're winning." But but to me and and I I remember this lesson from from the late Vodie Bacham particularly when he was talking about home education. He said we are training our children for heaven not for Harvard. So a big part of how we get to the focus is you have to understand what it is that you are aiming for. Um and I think in our culture and this is not just black culture this is American culture more broadly speaking the things we're aiming for are almost always um material matters. So, it's it's not even that we're being successful. It's like we may be accomplished because we have a bunch of degrees, but you have degrees, you have no wisdom, right? You have money, but you have no class. Um, so I I think a big part of it is just like we we have to get the the right focus. But, but you're right, the the beauty of it is you can come from a family or even a culture that has struggled to win properly defined. Um, but the beauty is like you you can't help the family that you're born into, but you can help the one that you build. And and I feel like that message of hope needs to be heard because a lot of young people just figure I'm a product of my family and my environment. And part of my message particularly in the book is like no, wherever you are, start from there. Grow where you're planted. You you can bring a different focus to your family um to your neighborhood or even to your personal life. Uh but you have just have to be have it targeted and aimed at you know at the right thing.

[00:25:33]>> So um if we focus on things in the Bible because college graduation's not in the Bible. Uh a bunch of things that we're focused on aren't in the Bible, but marriage is. And so if >> it's simple, it's available to all of us. I've clearly have failed at this.

[00:25:56]And and again, that's why I love to have you on. Love to talk about your book because it helps people f like marriage is winning in a major way. It fixes a lot of things. Prom night will fix nothing.

[00:26:12]Well, Jason, even marriage can become an idol.

[00:26:16]And and what I mean by that is, and I and this goes back to something I said earlier, when you see people throwing these extravagant weddings, right? All right. Now, I got married in 2012. You know, nice place in Houston, right?

[00:26:29]Everybody got a nice meal and, you know, dance, had the line dances and all that.

[00:26:33]But after that, people started having, you know, first it started with the hashtags, right? Uh and then and then the the the venues got bigger and the music got more extravagant and the fireworks and you riding in on elephant, all sorts of other stuff. And again, I'm not against a nice celebration because I do think life is short. Um, there's enough trouble in this world that certain milestone moments should be celebrated. But what I'll say is this.

[00:26:57]It makes no sense to have a million-dollar wedding and a five- cent marriage. And I think again, our focus on accomplishments makes it so that we're focused on the day. I I've known people who've gotten married and then been divorced within one year, two years, five years. So even that focus is about the wedding. It's not about No, I'm I'm si I'm standing here before God, family, and friends, and I'm making vows for a lifetime to this particular person, and and by as much as it uh is dependent on on my ability and and God's grace, I'm going to stick to those vows. It's like, no.

[00:27:36]Um I I I graduated. I grew out of love with this person, and now three years in, I'm I'm finding myself at some uh you know, weekend stay in in Jamaica or something like that. So a lot of it is I don't think there's a single area of life where the temptation to focus on ourselves and and material uh matters is is not ever present with people and that's why you have to be thoroughly grounded you know in in your word and you always have to be asking myself asking yourself okay what is it that God desires of me in in this particular moment because anything Jason as you know in life anything can become even a good thing can become an idol when it replaces the position that we should only hold for God and God alone.

[00:28:23]>> Shemica, I'll give you the final thought, then we'll get out of here and enjoy our weekend.

[00:28:28]>> Well, I just know listening to you guys, I am still growing. You know, there's a lot of evolving that I have to do because I need everybody to know nine months from now is it's my birthday and I want to be celebrating. So, you know, just thinking though of what Delana was just saying and you Jason going back to the same thing. We have to start focusing on achievements, not just putting the focus on celebration.

[00:28:56]Because when it comes to marriage, actually having a a long marriage, getting married and staying together till uh death do us part is an achievement and it goes far beyond the wedding celebration. And so that is what we should be focused on and teaching our kids and and trying to get them to do something different.

[00:29:18]>> Well, thank you guys. Thank you God uh for today's show. Uh thank you for a great weekend that I hope all of us have. We'll see you next week on Harmony.

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