My Fiancé Isn't Being Fair About Our Money

Added: 2026-05-31

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[00:00:06]I'm just calling wondering if the way my fiance is splitting the finances with us with me um is the right way?

[00:00:16]Okay.

[00:00:17]I can already tell this is going to be a fun call, Shelby. Yeah, tell us about Tell us about the the right way that he has it split now.

[00:00:25]>> Have you listened to our show before?

[00:00:27]Yes, I have and I actually listen to you guys always and John like James and I I follow you guys religiously. So, yes.

[00:00:34]Okay, so whatever answer we give you, same team, right?

[00:00:38]Yes. Okay. All right, [laughter] good.

[00:00:39]All right, let it rip.

[00:00:42]Uh so, long story short, I and my fiance are blended family.

[00:00:48]Um we do own a home together.

[00:00:51]Um I have three kids, he has one. I my ex who passed away uh years ago left me in a financial situation where I did have to file bankruptcy before I got to my fiance. I then built myself back up, got myself, you know, a very six-figure paying job, you know, moved throughout. And now we have one joint checking, but the mortgage is the only thing that comes out of that, and then everything else Venmo and Interesting. Okay, your phone's breaking up a bit. Make sure you're somewhere where your phone's not breaking up.

[00:01:26]>> You said you Venmo each other?

[00:01:28]Yes. All All hot relationships stay hot through Venmo.

[00:01:33]>> [laughter] >> So, here's >> [laughter] >> There's some things going on here that might be outside of your belief system, but I'm just going to say it because I try to give the advice that I would do in my own life and that I think is something that would really help you. Um so, you've got the one account, all the goes into it because both of you are paying for the mortgage. And then who pays for Who pays for the other stuff?

[00:02:04]Well, so the one only the mortgage pay money goes into that one account. Right, but that comes a little bit from both of you, right? Yes, it does. And then >> it half and half or Yep, it's half and half. Okay. And then and then tell me how the rest of the bills and and kids stuff and how that's divided up.

[00:02:22]So, it things like internet, power, garbage are half and half. Um, groceries we've we go back and forth on. Well, you have two more kids than I do, so maybe you should pay for a little bit more.

[00:02:36]And I'm like, well, you knew how many kids I had coming in.

[00:02:39]>> you think it should be? How do you think it should be?

[00:02:42]I think we should I think we should each have our own accounts for spending and fun and leisure. And then we should combine the rest of our finances and majority of our finances and pay all the bills from one account. Um, he is the father figure in my children's life because their father is no longer around.

[00:02:59]>> How long has he been around? How long have you guys been in this in this relationship together? 3 years. Okay.

[00:03:05]And when's the wedding?

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[00:03:34]Okay. And when's the wedding?

[00:03:36]That's a good question. Don't He wants to wait until we've been engaged for 2 years before we get married. Why? Oh, wow. I don't know.

[00:03:44]>> Is Are you Is Is this like level two in his test?

[00:03:48]I I feel like it. I mean, and I've watched your show down many times before and I'm just like, you proposed, why?

[00:03:55]And he's like, well, I just I want to make sure That you're the one?

[00:03:59]Yeah, and that's what I said. I was like, You don't change? Here's the 100% guarantee. Both of you will change. A million My wife's on version like 41 of the idiot 24-year-old she married. Thank God, right? I'm glad I changed.

[00:04:13]>> The ring doesn't mean and now I'm considering you for marriage. That's not what the ring means. The ring is we're going to get married. I have decided you are the one I'm going to marry. The engagement is just simply a planning period to have the party. That's really [laughter] all it is.

[00:04:27]All right, so I agree. Let me ask you this. How much of cuz I want to honor this.

[00:04:33]How much of your concern about um I need to have my own on the side here.

[00:04:43]How much of that stems from the absolute mess you were left when your first husband passed away? Um in the beginning I was terrified to join any type of finances with him because my late husband did significantly put me in a bind where I like could barely feed my kids. But now that I've gotten to know this man and I see him and he runs his own business. Um you know, I see the dedication and work that he puts in every day and that I I'm like, okay, yes, I am now comfortable with this. However, I would still like my own account for like getting my hair done or my nails, you know, I I I'll still tell you I I think the the the the nerd work, the research data on this confirms it. Um what what we've been teaching for more than three decades.

[00:05:34]All of it goes into the same boat.

[00:05:37]Mhm. And together you'll have the conversation about hair and nails and haircuts and shampoo like all of that stuff. I have to tell you like just as a husband of a a wife of almost a quarter century you're worth more than you're getting right now.

[00:05:54]Yeah.

[00:05:55]You're worth more than than than being in a in a in trial period number two.

[00:06:00]You're worth more than No no no marriage I've ever heard of.

[00:06:06]I'm sure they exist and I I I I get a I get a sample size of the ones who are in crisis, right? I've never heard of a successful marriage where they're then mowing and bickering over who you like it colder so you have to pay more of the electric bill. You know who does that? 19-year-old roommates who share an apartment.

[00:06:24]Not people who are ride or die till death do us part like making a life together that they both want to be awesome.

[00:06:32]And I think that's part of the I think exactly what John said is part of the problem. There is a very shallow commitment here and because of that I think you're you're experiencing that. It's like I'm only going to go so far in and you have your reservations as well that you're only going to go so far in and I actually think it's a wonderful thing that you're not combining money right now because you're not married and this thing even if you were the most solid engaged couple ever I would still say hey right now you don't need to have your money combined cuz the deal is not done. Um but I don't hear like a super solid engaged couple um and so the the reasoning still applies.

[00:07:11]Now is not the stage to combine money. I understand that you guys are all living in the same household and probably while you're in that scenario yeah having a fund where you both kick in your parts for the rent or for the mortgage that probably makes sense for how you're choosing to live at this moment but I wouldn't I wouldn't combine money until you are married and I would push for marriage. Yeah.

[00:07:33]>> Because well let me let me caveat that.

[00:07:36]I would not push for marriage if you don't think this is the guy but if you're like this is my guy I believe in him I trust him. I trust that we're going to grow together and change together and we're going to be able to get on the same page. Yes, get married.

[00:07:48]But if you're having reservations, and I want to say this because you said I got burned before. The calls that John and I get where people have been burned before, there were red flags.

[00:07:57]There were red flags and there were little behaviors that was like, "Uh, that doesn't feel right." And there was just this um more and more of a of a separation that occurred. And so, I want to tell you, if you can create a relationship that from the beginning there is transparency. Everybody's involved. Everybody If we may not think about things exactly the same or have exactly the same values, but we're both very, very interested. It's our priority to show up for one each other for one another. So, if he values something, I have to show up and show, "Hey, I care about it, too." Just because you care about it, and vice versa. And if you don't sense that or feel that or see proof of life in that area, you need to consider that deeply because, John, these are the things. Red flags are red for a reason. Yeah. Create your free EveryDollar budget today, the simplest way to budget for your life.