THE FRIENDS I LOST DURING ADDICTI0N

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[00:00:00]Oh boy.

[00:00:02]Getting emotional.

[00:00:03]I'm getting emotional.

[00:00:05]>> [snorts] >> I was a dope fiend for 17 straight years and most of the people that I loved, most of the friends that I had throughout that addiction are dead now.

[00:00:15]Not even exaggerating, probably 90% of the contacts on my phone are no longer here. And I'm not going to lie, that is a strange kind of grief to carry. So many times I would question well, why them and not me? My addiction was always more severe. I was out using for way longer. Then here I am talking about how I was literally on a 17-year run, overdosed multiple times, and I'm still here.

[00:00:47]But the friends that we have throughout active addiction are very complicated.

[00:00:52]Most of them saw me at my absolute worst. We were sick together, we were in detox together, we'd run scams together, we'd hustle together, but we'd also laugh hysterically together. Some knew things about me that nobody else knew. Some protected me, some hurt me, some probably saved my life at certain points, most definitely.

[00:01:17]And some probably helped me destroy it.

[00:01:19]These relationships are incredibly unhealthy, but that doesn't mean they're not real.

[00:01:25]So in today's video, I wanted to take an opportunity to talk about these kinds of friendships, how complicated they are, and I'm going to throw in some stories of my own personal friends that I've had over the years, most of them no longer here, and I thought it would be a good way to honor them.

[00:01:42]And shout out to the person who left a comment on one of my recent videos giving me this exact idea. But this one hits me this one hits me. So buckle the [ __ ] up, [ __ ] Let's get into it.

[00:01:57]>> [snorts] >> First things first, I cannot start this video without saying thank you because I hit 10,000 freaking subscribers yesterday, which is wild and bananas and crazy. So, thank you so much for being here. It's about damn time you showed up because I've been here for 3 plus years.

[00:02:18]I've been waiting for you to show up.

[00:02:20]So, I'm happy you're [ __ ] here. All right, let's get into the video. Most of the things I'm going to talk about today I haven't thought about in such a long time. The people, the memories. Thinking about some of these things and some of these people has I mean, I was tearing up. I have lost so many friends over the years. So many friends. I mean, it's like most people don't believe me when I tell them and I've seen a few people from Boston and the Boston area pop up in the comments. I [ __ ] love to see it.

[00:02:54]But, if you're from that area, you know.

[00:02:56]I mean, it's really any kind of inner city, right? Like, what's that?

[00:02:59]Kensington, Detroit, Baltimore, even, you know, New York.

[00:03:05]Back 20 years ago in Boston, it seriously felt like people were just sprinkling opiates from the sky.

[00:03:15]It's like OCs were just falling from the sky and they wanted people to pick them up, right? It's like people were becoming addicted. It was so freaking normal, and it still is. It's normal to be a dope fiend in Boston. It is very rare you come across someone who isn't affected by addiction in some way, shape, or form. So, when I say I've lost a lot of people, just please know I'm not freaking exaggerating. I can't even count. I can't even freaking count.

[00:03:49]So, as I was thinking about doing this video, there's things I haven't thought about in a long time.

[00:03:55]Because a lot of people think about friends during active addiction and kind of automatically write them off or people hear about friends that we have during our addictions and write them off as being like not real, right? Like, "Oh, you were just using together. That's not a real friendship."

[00:04:13]But honestly, and it's different for each and every substance. I I I'm not going to lie.

[00:04:19]Because with dope, I feel like there's this certain level of emotional intimacy that is shared amongst friends who use dope together or get high together.

[00:04:32]It's like not only is it like this trauma bond, but it's this shared pain.

[00:04:40]And also, the pain and and all the stigma that comes from society as a whole from the outside, it's like we have this inner understanding of each other.

[00:04:52]And there was always this camaraderie amongst junkies. And yes, of course, there'd be times when, you know, I would do a weird deal or I'd pinch out of the bag or I would, you know, overcharge so I can get my cut or something along those lines.

[00:05:09]There was always this inexplicable bond.

[00:05:14]And you know, with with stimulants, it's kind of like more chaos and and paranoia and things like that. And with alcohol, I feel like it's more of like a party vibe at first and I don't know. It's like with with dope, I feel like it's very intimate.

[00:05:30]Different substances create different cultures, different dynamics within friend groups or or between people. But at the very core, underneath it all, is pain.

[00:05:42]A bunch of people who are hurting hanging out together trying to escape the world together.

[00:05:49]Trying to numb everything out together.

[00:05:51]It's a very complicated relationship.

[00:05:55]But it doesn't mean it's not real.

[00:05:57]So in my personal experience of 17 years of active addiction I've come across a lot of people. I've had a lot of different friends. A lot of different relationships.

[00:06:09]I never really got high in a group of people. Like I don't even know if that's a thing with dope to be honest. But in my experience it was always just me and someone else. Like there was usually just one other person. Very like there were chapters I guess in my addict in my addiction where I'd have like another person whether it be like from a job that I had and then we'd find out we both got high and maybe we'd got high a couple times together or whatever. But I'll talk more about specific people in a minute.

[00:06:39]But the one person there was one person that was with me essentially throughout my entire addiction.

[00:06:46]And in the beginning it started out I guess as like a relationship, right?

[00:06:51]Like a like a boyfriend girlfriend type thing. But soon very very soon that completely ended. Like it stopped being any kind of relationship and just kind of started being running partners, right? We got high together. We did everything together.

[00:07:08]It's like the day one person. Usually, you know we all tend to have our day ones. We've been through everything together. We used to get arrested together. We'd be sick together. We'd cry together. And a lot of these insights that I have today didn't really come until after the fact because of for a long time I held on to this person strictly because we had been through literally everything together. I would use it to justify certain behaviors that I would tolerate because I'm like, well we've been through everything together.

[00:07:43]I can't just walk away. Oh, we've been through hell and back. There must be something more to this.

[00:07:49]And it would And it felt so deep. But sometimes, specifically with these relationships or these kinds of relationships, the entire relationship becomes about the addiction. The entire relationship becomes about being sick together. And I'm not talking about physically sick or dope sick. I'm talking like chaotic sick. I'm talking the sickness and the struggle that is addiction itself. The whole relationship becomes about that and staying in that cycle together. It's like you forget what life was like without the addiction, without that shared experience. Or you forget who the other person is or was. And it was almost as if I felt like I owed this person something.

[00:08:39]Even though now looking back, I know really that's not the case, but it was like this You know, you're always there for each other. We had this We had this thing where it was like would always answer the phone no matter what. No matter what for this other person. And if the other person didn't answer, then I would know. Like if I called this person and he didn't answer, I would know something was wrong or that he got arrested. And 99.999% of the time, anytime he didn't answer, it's usually because he got arrested.

[00:09:10]And even though it's sick and dysfunctional and incredibly unhealthy, it's incredibly codependent, it's incredibly it's incredibly sick.

[00:09:21]It doesn't mean it wasn't real. It doesn't mean there wasn't actual true real love there.

[00:09:30]I remember when I was living in my car for a while and he had his home to go to. He was staying with his mom.

[00:09:38]But because I was homeless, because I was sleeping in my car, he would most nights sleep in the car with me. Even though he had a home to technically go to. Sometimes he would sneak me into the basement of his mom's house, but I What time she caught me sneaking out the next morning, it was a mess. It was a whole mess. But like these are the things, right? These are the things that I would tell myself that I couldn't really walk away from this person. And I mean people have this misunderstanding where it's like all another person's fault. Oh, if there's a female dope fiend, it must be some dude's fault, right? When in reality, no. Like I was the sick person. I swear it's like now looking back I realize I was the sicker person. Because I was the one who always wanted to keep getting high. He would try to go into programs, and he would be in jail and be clean and come out and go into a program, and I would be the one doing all the mischievous stuff. I would be the one getting high in programs, getting high in probation, smuggling stuff into programs, manipulating my my urine screens. I would be the one still getting high.

[00:10:44]I was the bad influence.

[00:10:46]When I was kind of trying to get my [ __ ] together at the end, he became like a raging alcoholic and turned into a very abusive kind of psychotic person, a person that I didn't even know anymore. And it ended kind of badly. Like it was it was try It was crazy. It was crazy.

[00:11:06]But it doesn't erase all of the things that we went through together.

[00:11:10]Hence the reason these relationships are complicated. There was always someone who was way more chaotic than me.

[00:11:19]And I'm thinking of one person in particular, and he's gone now.

[00:11:24]God, he was a mess.

[00:11:26]But he always had something going on.

[00:11:30]Always had a disaster.

[00:11:32]His life was always a dumpster fire. It was You never knew if there was like a fight going to break out, the cops were going to show up. You didn't know if maybe jail was going to happen or an overdose was going to happen. Like something was going to happen whenever this kid was around. You know what? Funny story.

[00:11:51]Funny story. This kid that I became close friends with, we initially met when I was working at a halfway house as a counselor and he was my client.

[00:12:02]And I mean, we weren't like friends when I was working there, but after I stopped working there and I went on to become a dope fiend, we crossed paths and just ended up becoming great friends and we were very close in age and it was I mean, he was such a good kid. He was hilarious. We laughed hysterically. One time in particular, I remember he was homeless, didn't have a place to stay. I let him stay in my apartment for a couple nights and he was a bank guy.

[00:12:31]He was a bank guy and I don't want to test the YouTube gods, but that was one of his hustles and there was a bank that was very close to my apartment at the time that he decided to go in and borrow some cash.

[00:12:48]Not once, but twice in one [ __ ] week. Like he was crazy. He was crazy.

[00:12:56]And so one day in particular, I remember I was leaving my apartment. He went from my house to the bank to do his thing, if you know what I mean.

[00:13:07]And I just happened to be walking out to my car and I look over and I see him running, high-tailing it across the yard, across the street. There was like a CVS right there and there was a parking lot and then there was a little area of grass and he was booking it. He was running and people were chasing him and then I saw him get tackled, and I thought, "Oh, fuck."

[00:13:31]He got caught doing a bank and went away for a little while.

[00:13:36]And then we kind of just lost touch. And then he came out of jail, I think. I don't know. I don't know. I don't exactly know what happened, but he's no longer with us.

[00:13:48]And he was a good [ __ ] kid, bro. He struggled so hard. He was big into PCP.

[00:13:57]He was a mess. He was He was a mess.

[00:14:01]I mean, we were all a mess. We were all a mess. But like, he also seemed to enjoy like the lifestyle. Cuz the lifestyle in and of itself, the chaos, is incredibly addicting. It becomes addictive. So, you get addicted to the chaos. So, having this person around, it's like entertaining, right? The chaotic person who's like always got a story and always has a disaster happening in their lives. It's like entertaining, right? But that entertainment, that chaos becomes addictive. And then there's like the friends who only show up when they need something. Because I had a car, I would always be asked for rides. During addiction, it's interesting because you have like these people who just pop up for certain time periods of your life, right? Like there's different people and different friends that I had that kind of represent different timelines during my active addiction.

[00:14:53]There was this one girl.

[00:14:56]I think she's still alive. I think I'm pretty sure she's still alive. But her poor mom, her poor family, like she lost a sister to an overdose. And then later, actually just recently, I was friends with her brother, too.

[00:15:10]But I was closer to her than I was her brother.

[00:15:14]But then she went on to lose her brother to an overdose. So, her poor mom lost two kids to overdoses. And I think this girl is still alive. But she had such a good heart.

[00:15:26]I remember she was so broken when we first met. Like she had lost all of her hair from the grief of losing her sister.

[00:15:37]And that's how I knew that when after my parents died, I lost half the hair on my head. It was because I was friends with her that I realized it was the grief and that losing hair can be a symptom of grief.

[00:15:48]Anyways, when I first met her, she was wearing wigs all the time. She had to wear wigs because she was literally completely bald from the grief of her sister.

[00:15:59]And we became great friends.

[00:16:02]But again, it was kind of centered around our addictions. She was a dope fiend, too.

[00:16:06]And we would cop together. We would get high together. She'd come to my place.

[00:16:11]She had a car where she would drive, I would drive.

[00:16:13]Most of the people that I've met throughout my 17-year addiction were all and and are all beautiful [ __ ] people. Beautiful souls. Great, huge, big hearts. Care so deeply. And this girl in particular, man, my heart broke for her.

[00:16:33]My heart broke for her because I watched slowly as her soul essentially disappeared.

[00:16:41]I was there when she started escorting.

[00:16:44]And I remember I picked her up the first night. She went through this company in Boston.

[00:16:50]And she'd go to these dudes like houses or meet them somewhere and do whatever.

[00:16:56]And she got paid good money, obviously.

[00:16:58]Like you don't just do something You don't do something cuz you like to do the job.

[00:17:02]You do it for the good money. And she did it to support her habit.

[00:17:07]And I remember I picked her up from coff I We went out to coffee the next morning, the following morning after her first night on the job as an escort. And she got into my car and I remember I picked her up and we went out for coffee the next morning. She's like, "Come on, I'll buy you a coffee." And she got into my car.

[00:17:27]She hadn't slept.

[00:17:29]I had been I was on the methadone clinic at the time, I think.

[00:17:32]Which is probably why I was up so early.

[00:17:34]Cuz it was like 9:00 in the morning.

[00:17:36]She hadn't slept and she got into my passenger seat and she smelled like bubble gum.

[00:17:44]She [snorts] smelled like bubble gum.

[00:17:46]And she proceeded to tell me proceeded to tell me of how the night went and the story and that she smelled like bubble gum because she got sprayed with like What is that?

[00:18:02]Silly spray or whatever? Smells like bubble gum. Some sort of body something.

[00:18:07]And she hadn't even showered yet. She hadn't slept.

[00:18:11]And she was like, "Yeah, it wasn't that bad. It wasn't that bad." And I watched slowly as the light I mean, she didn't have much light left in her eyes, but like her soul just broke because of this job. I mean, it wasn't only because of this job because we were, you know, both dope fiends, but it was heartbreaking. She tried to get me to join her, like to do the job with her. And like I got I got I'm not going to lie, it was tempting. She was making good money.

[00:18:38]But it was also so heartbreaking to witness.

[00:18:42]And she got addicted to that job. She got addicted to the money she made from that job. It was so sad to see.

[00:18:49]Cuz the way it was affecting her was so it was impossible to ignore. It was impossible to not see the ways this job affected her life.

[00:19:01]But we just lost touch over the years.

[00:19:04]We lost touch.

[00:19:06]I don't know what she's up to. I think she's still alive. I tried to reach out to her a few years back, I think, but again, we just lost touch.

[00:19:16]Then I found out her brother died, who I was also really good friends with. I met her brother in a detox.

[00:19:22]>> [snorts] >> I met her brother first in a detox, and then I met her.

[00:19:29]And I was like, "Oh my god, you're so-and-so's sister." And that's kind of how we became, you know, fast friends.

[00:19:37]But her and her brother were so close, and when I found out that her brother died, God, he was such a good kid, too. He played guitar.

[00:19:46]My heart breaks for that family, man. My heart breaks for her mother.

[00:19:50]I hope she's doing well.

[00:19:52]Addiction, man, eats people alive. It really does. And it's heartbreaking, because, you know, just because I was using doesn't mean that I was completely ignorant to like things going on around me.

[00:20:05]I was surprisingly aware of what was happening. Like I knew what I was doing to my life. Like I knew what I was doing. I just didn't feel like I could change it, right? I just really didn't feel like I could change it.

[00:20:19]I mean, kind of a cornerstone to addiction, I mean, it's obvious. Like I didn't care at all about myself. I was destroying my body, destroying my life, destroying my connections, destroying my family. I was destroying so many things around me, but when I you're witnessing that destruction in other people, it's heartbreaking.

[00:20:43]I had a friend that I went to high school with who's no longer with us.

[00:20:48]And I ran into him so randomly at a courthouse, of all the things.

[00:20:56]When I in very, very early on in my addiction, if you're familiar with my story, and I cuz I started as a coke head, we used to use coke together.

[00:21:07]And he was a heavy drinker, and we would all He was like my He was like my day one friend that I that we used to do coke together and we used to get high together and we'd be out all night together partying. And he was always the friend cuz I swear there's one in every party group, people who party together.

[00:21:23]There's always that one friend who starts looking at the time, that starts looking at his watch, starts looking at the time when the birds start to chirp or the sun starts to peek up, rising over the horizon and he starts going like this. And I used to always be like, "Absolutely not. Absolutely not. I don't want to know what the [ __ ] time it is. Please do not." It was like such a like Buzz Killington, can you [ __ ] be more of a buzzkill? Start to look at the time. Because he was always the person who was next to me getting high with the coke, you know, early early on in my coke years.

[00:21:57]But we lost touch. Like I went on to be a become a dope fiend. He was like my best friend in high school. And in case you haven't realized yet, like I was always surrounded by guy friends. I'm not saying that to be like a pick-me girl. I'm just say It was just a fact.

[00:22:11]So he was like my best friend in high school.

[00:22:14]And ironically, he was a CEO in the count in the jail, actually with maximum security jail.

[00:22:20]And he was a CEO and he kind of I thought got his [ __ ] together early on.

[00:22:24]Like he didn't go to college, but he went and became a CEO and he had his own house and all the things.

[00:22:32]We would party together. We were always like attached at the hip at someone's house in some random kitchen playing cards and doing lines and drinking booze and he was always the one looking at the [ __ ] time when the birds started to chirp. I went on to become a dope fiend.

[00:22:49]And we lost touch for years and years.

[00:22:53]And then, wouldn't you know, in 2018, no, 2019, when my dad was in the dying in in and I got arrested.

[00:23:02]I had to go to court.

[00:23:05]And I ran into him, of all places, but in the freaking courthouse. And we got to talking and catching up, and come to find out he had become a dope fiend himself.

[00:23:17]He started with the pills.

[00:23:20]Some sort of pills. He was doing dope.

[00:23:24]Even though I knew it was a terrible idea, we started getting high. Not We didn't get high together, but I started copping for him.

[00:23:33]And it was weird. It was weird.

[00:23:36]But when I saw him, I hadn't seen him in that courthouse was the first time in probably 15 years I saw him. And it was like nothing changed. I gave him the biggest hug. He was a big dude. He was like a [ __ ] He was football player, tall, huge. Like he was a big teddy bear, though.

[00:23:58]God, he was such a good dude.

[00:24:00]And so we got high together. I started copping for him.

[00:24:04]While my dad was dying in the hospital, and then right after my dad died, he came to the wake with me.

[00:24:11]And even though we were getting high together, even though I kind of felt like it was like a surface level thing, like, "Oh, he's only like hanging around cuz he wants someone to cop for him."

[00:24:22]There was still that underlying friendship there, right? I had known him since I was a kid.

[00:24:28]And then after I came back to Mexico and stopped using, and then my mom died, and then we lost touch again.

[00:24:36]And then I found out shortly thereafter that he overdosed and he's no longer with us.

[00:24:43]He had a daughter.

[00:24:44]He has a daughter.

[00:24:47]I think she was 11 when he died.

[00:24:49]That poor girl is going to grow up without a dad, and they were so close.

[00:24:52]He was the best father.

[00:24:54]But the the heart of it all, addicts are not bad people. We're not liars and manipulators innately. Addiction hijacks our brains.

[00:25:06]Not to say that there's no choice behind it because I don't believe like I think the using of a substance is a choice. And it might not feel like we have a choice, but there's always a choice.

[00:25:18]These people are great [ __ ] people who just happened to make some bad decisions and get caught up in the lifestyle of addiction.

[00:25:27]But telling these stories is just, you know, more evidence of how good people really are. I had another friend, girlfriend, who I met through somebody else and we kind of became close. She was on the methadone clinic, but also was using on top of it. And occasionally I'd buy benzos from her and she would call me to cop sometimes. And it was like a steady friendship throughout the years. But she's no longer with us, either.

[00:25:55]But she was a good friend to have because, you know, if I ever needed something or forever I was sick, she would help me out.

[00:26:01]And I think it was her boyfriend who had take-homes. So, if I was really in a crunch and I needed, you know, a little bit of methadone or something to help me feel better, she I could count on her.

[00:26:12]Because a lot of people would call me to cop for them. I don't know why, but that's just how it was. And I copped for her one time.

[00:26:20]And the next day I remember I was driving to go pick up my friend for the methadone clinic.

[00:26:27]And somebody called me and said, "Are you driving?"

[00:26:31]And I said, "Yeah, why?" And they said, "Pull over."

[00:26:33]And I said, "Okay." So, I pulled over on the side of the street.

[00:26:37]And that friend, that girl who I had copped for the day before, and I used the same dope, she died of an overdose from that dope that I copped for her.

[00:26:52]That was hard. That was hard to get over cuz here I was again thinking to myself, why her and not me?

[00:27:03]I'm literally using the same thing.

[00:27:06]Exactly the same thing.

[00:27:09]And then happened to me several times where people would overdose in front of me.

[00:27:13]And you just sincerely never know how you're going to react in that kind of situation until you're in that situation.

[00:27:23]I don't know why I just felt like that was some sort of sign.

[00:27:28]Oh boy.

[00:27:30]Getting emotional.

[00:27:31]I'm getting emotional.

[00:27:35]But you really never know how you're going to react in that type of situation. And a lot of times I would panic.

[00:27:44]But panicking doesn't help anybody. It is hard to put together like I remember back then they had like the Narcan pens, the nose inhalers, and you it's hard to put them together and they won't really they didn't really teach you properly and like in the moment having to open the directions and read the directions that are like this small, it's a very panicky situation.

[00:28:07]But I've had very I've had a lot of instances where people would overdose in front of me and I'd have to bring them back.

[00:28:15]But I've lost so many friends over the years.

[00:28:18]So many.

[00:28:20]I've had so many instances where people were sober.

[00:28:25]Right? People were doing well in their recovery, ex-dope fiends.

[00:28:31]And then they decide to go out and relapse once or twice and never wake up.

[00:28:38]And I'd be like, why them and not me?

[00:28:41]Like a lot of these people who have families and and kids and and are great parents.

[00:28:49]They had way more to live for than I did. That's in my thinking. That's what I would think.

[00:28:56]Like why take them and not me?

[00:28:59]I was out doing the same exact things, a lot of times using the same exact dope.

[00:29:05]Out for way longer.

[00:29:08]I mean, that's not a question that I can answer.

[00:29:12]But that's why I'm here doing this because I truly sincerely believe that I survived everything that I have survived so that I can sit here and share my story and inspire people who have bad stories like I did. I literally searched for people online who had similar stories.

[00:29:34]I couldn't find anybody. I searched for people who I lost both parents, you know, close proximity together. I searched for people who had similar addiction stories. I couldn't find anybody.

[00:29:46]So I feel like this is my purpose to reach the people who truly feel like their story is too bad to come back from.

[00:29:55]But these people that we meet throughout the years, they become like this sick twisted dysfunctional family of friends.

[00:30:03]And I still I still think of them and and thank you again to the person who left a comment giving me this idea because I haven't thought about these things in a long time.

[00:30:11]And I like to think that sharing my story in some ways honors them.

[00:30:19]Honors all the people who couldn't be here sitting next to me sharing their own story of success and recovery.

[00:30:27]Cuz you can grieve people who were unhealthy for you. And you can most certainly miss people who were part of your destruction. But as time goes on, people start to fall away, whether it be they get clean, they get sober, they go to jail, they go to a program, or they die.

[00:30:50]You lose touch in one way or another.

[00:30:54]And it doesn't mean the connection wasn't real. It doesn't mean the relationship, the friendship wasn't real.

[00:31:01]And it doesn't mean there wasn't love there.

[00:31:04]And after enough years of addiction go by and you meet more and more people and you say goodbye to more and more people, you just start like me. Like I carry these memories with me literally everywhere I go. And it's nice to be able to talk about them and share them and honor them and give life to them.

[00:31:28]Because a lot of people will just remember you if you die of an overdose or if you were a junkie or if you were a junkie, most people will say or just remember that addicted version of you, which is sad. When in reality, no, these people were people with great hearts, great souls. Some of the smartest people I've ever met have been addicted to things.

[00:31:53]Addicts in general are some of the smartest, strongest, most loyal, loving people I've ever met.

[00:31:59]And I am grateful for all of the friendships I've had, whether they were surface level or superficial or just solely substance related, whatever, they all affected me in in different ways.

[00:32:14]And I'm grateful for all of it. So, with that, I'm going to shut up because this video is way long.

[00:32:20]Here we [snorts] go again. We're saying that again.

[00:32:23]And I'm going to try to do another video today, but we'll see.

[00:32:27]But I'm going to shut up now. Thank you so much for being here. I love you so much and I'll see you in the next video.

[00:32:32]I'm going to give a life update. I'm going to give a life update first. I don't really have a life update.

[00:32:38]I really don't. But, I I just wanted to say thank you again for 10,000 people.

[00:32:43]Like, bro, it took you long enough. It took you long enough cuz I've been here waiting for you.

[00:32:47]Okay?

[00:32:48]And I'm noticing a theme here.

[00:32:52]I'm thinking that like I was supposed to experience I mean, I think I just made a video on this channel about a month ago saying how I wanted to give this YouTube [ __ ] up because I was just sick of like talking to myself. It felt like I was talking to myself.

[00:33:06]Just another testament to not give up. I feel like this is a theme of this channel, but I truly genuinely believe that everything happens for a reason.

[00:33:14]And I think this last year of struggle that I've been having, or specifically the last six seven months of financial instability, severe financial instability, and just stagnancy seemingly in every area of my life, I feel like it had to happen. Just like me losing everything had to happen. I needed to be humbled in that way.

[00:33:37]And in the last seven months, I obviously needed to experience these things in order to move forward.

[00:33:43]So, I truly genuinely believe that whatever I go through is for a reason, right? And I truly believe that the harder the journey, the greater the reward on the other side.

[00:33:57]Wholeheartedly I genuinely believe it.

[00:33:59]And I mean, it sucks. It [ __ ] sucks.

[00:34:01]And don't get me wrong, there's plenty of videos of me questioning everything, my life, my existence, everything. And I crash out a million times on this channel, and I have done that >> [laughter] >> on the internet. Un- unfortunately, I have.

[00:34:15]But, listen.

[00:34:18]It all happens for a reason. And I'd rather crash out on the internet and not give up.

[00:34:23]Because me doing these videos helps me way more than you know.

[00:34:27]Way more.

[00:34:30]So, I treated myself to a beach day yesterday because the beach is about an hour from me where I'm at right now, and I have to take like two buses.

[00:34:37]But, it was a good day. I was only at the beach for like an hour, which I mean really it's funny because I love the sun, but I hate the sun at the same time. When you're in Mexico, you start to hate the sun because it's so hot.

[00:34:50]But, I love being in the sun. Only when I want to be. Every other If I go to the beach, I'd like to be in the sun, but when I leave the beach, I want to be in the shade all the time.

[00:34:59]But, I went to the beach for like an hour yesterday.

[00:35:02]And then when I got home, realized I had 10,000 followers. Yesterday was a good day. It was a good day. And today's a good day. Every day is a [ __ ] good day. Every day is a [ __ ] good day, okay?

[00:35:14]Even if it doesn't feel like it, it's a damn good day.

[00:35:17]So, with that, I'm going to shut up.

[00:35:18]Thank you so much for being here. I love you so much, and I'll see you in the next video.