Why We Repeat Unhealthy Relationship Patterns│The Dream Catcher Podcast

Ajouté : 2026-05-24

[00:00:00]And I think a lot of this is rooted in wounds that we have had accumulated over the years. Um you do explore that in the book. You talk about relationship wounds, things like betrayal, loneliness, broken connections. Um of course we won't be able to touch on all of them. So I encourage people to get the book if you want to uh uh get more details on that. But I definitely want toh talk about it at a higher level. I mean these invisible scars that we accumulate from past relationships whether from childhood friendships or romantic relationships in your experience Dr. Thema what is the first step toward healing those wounds so that they don't keep influencing us and shaping the relationships that we build in our life.

[00:00:51]>> Yeah. The first thing is to acknowledge the wound and to see it as a wound >> because sometimes we don't realize that we're walking around wounded and we think like that's just me or that's just how you're supposed to be in relationships.

[00:01:13]So I have to see it uh as a negative consequence in order to want to change it to tell myself the truth of like oh I have trust issues and I know where that came from but I don't want to remain that way. Um or oh I'm defensive or combative and that came out of perhaps the way I was raised but I know there's another way to be. And so to recognize your patterns, uh, your wounds, the ways in which you survived a toxic situation >> are not the same ways that you want to live love in a healthy relationship, right? So, you know, some people because they were with a cheater uh develop this um like a controlling uh pattern. Uh and so you're controlling maybe even like tracking people, constantly monitoring people, interpreting everything as uh an offense. And so when you were in that, you know, there was there's a reason for it of why you started doing that. Uh but when you're trying to build healthy relationships, then I would need to be willing to see how those behaviors um are unhealthy, right? So I encourage people to take time to reflect whether that's in journaling, in therapy, in simply sitting and thinking about it of what are the the habits and the mindset I developed based on my past and what are the other options, what are other ways of being so that I can uh move in the direction of a healthier way of relating.

[00:03:22]>> And it's a process, right? I mean, speaking from personal experience, I I worked with a therapist to learn about my own patterns of relating. And it took it took a while to rewire myself, and I'm still trying to get it right. Uh it's not something that happens overnight, especially if it's deeply entrenched in your way of being and you've had some really difficult toxic relationships. It's can be harder like to to resolve it.

[00:03:50]>> And I'm glad you said that cuz often what people aren't prepared for is that healing can feel awkward.

[00:03:58]>> Very where you're where like we have the idea of it'll just be freeing and wonderful and happy. But, you know, when you're used to operating in a particular way, >> it can be startling one to say like, oh, like, you know, there's another way or that's a quote unquote unhealthy or wrong or and so then to shift that it's going to feel awkward of like, oh, that's that's different.

[00:04:26]>> Yeah. Yeah. And the triggers, oh my goodness, those are the toughest ones to like resolve.

[00:04:31]>> Yes. Yes.

[00:04:33]to not, you know, put not to not allow it to pull you back into your old ways of being.

[00:04:42]>> Yes. Yes. That and yeah, that that that takes time, but at least having that awareness um and that willingness to to start working on it, I think that's >> yeah, >> that's it's a great starting point. Um, and something that a lot of people struggle with is emotional availability.

[00:05:04]I know this is something that is quite prevalent in the world of u romantic relationships. You know, we come across people who exhibit behaviors of of not being fully open, not willing to be vulnerable um in that context. So tell us about that uh emotional unavailability like what are some of the signs that someone is emotionally unavailable and what can we do about it?

[00:05:33]How can we uh begin to open up?

[00:05:38]>> Yeah. So one I will say which you know is the biggest sign is some people will tell you and we don't hear it or receive it or believe it when they say I'm not looking for a relationship right and then we're like I'm going to win them over right I'm going to love them harder >> stay I'm gonna like be the sweetest person ever and then they're going to love me >> so you know we we don't want to receive the no. Some people know themselves and they're like, you know, I came out of a rough relationship. I'm not looking to get back in a relationship. So, some people own it and are like, yeah, I don't want I don't want that. Then, uh it can also look like confusion where they don't say, "I don't want it."

[00:06:32]They're just uncertain. So they kind of keep you on a string or people call it breadcrumbming where they give you just enough attention to keep you around but they're not really uh showing a commitment or an openness. Uh so you know confusion is also emotional unavailability when people uh don't know what they want or you know they want the benefits of your presence but not the the work of of the the heart right that heart work is um is stretching you know can be uncomfortable um uh serial infidelity can be a sign of emotional unavailability. Cuz if I'm just juggling a lot of people, I don't have to let anybody in, right? I'm just going from the next to the next, like, keeping them on rotation and keeping myself occupied and not really being present.

[00:07:37]Um, people who emotionally shut down when you share your feelings.

[00:07:45]uh that's emotional unavailability.

[00:07:48]So um you know they may shut down with anger or they might just shut down in silence. Uh that they don't have the capacity to hear your concerns, your feelings, your feedback, your needs.

[00:08:04]Um that they get angry that you uh have a feeling or a thought. That's also emotional unavailability.

[00:08:17]Yeah.

[00:08:18]>> Yeah. I can hear the collective go, "Amen."

[00:08:24]>> Yeah.

[00:08:25]>> I'm sure they were like, "Yep, been there. Done that.

[00:08:28]>> Been there. Seen that happen." Yes.

[00:08:30]>> Yeah. Absolutely. Um, but I wonder if these people who tend to be emotionally available, perhaps they're afraid of getting enshed or maybe they don't know how to relate in a healthy way. Perhaps they're I don't know, they can be codependent, they're narcissists or something could prevent them from relating to someone in a healthy way, in an intimate, deep way. And not to excuse that behavior, but perhaps >> that could be something that's blocking them from staying with staying with one person.

[00:09:10]>> Yes. Yes. So then if you're on the receiving end of that, you have to decide, am I going to try to be their therapist, >> which is what some of us do, >> right? We try to be the rehabilitation center of like, oh, they want to commit.

[00:09:26]They're just having problems. So, I'm going to be the faith. I'm going to outlast them. Right now, here's the distinction.

[00:09:35]>> There are people who have difficulty opening up, but they want to and they're working on it. They just don't know how.

[00:09:44]And so then they're do like you're not dragging them along or trying to convince them. they have the awareness, you know, cuz I have clients like that who will say, you know, I'm in this relationship. They keep wanting me to open up and I don't know how to do it or I don't know what they're wanting from me, >> but they're doing the work to heal and to and to learn those skills.

[00:10:10]Yeah.