How to Get Your Partner to Support Your Healing (It's Not What They Think)

Added: 2026-05-04

[00:00:00]I often get the question of how do I get my partner or my loved ones to understand me during this nervous system healing phase and even more so how do I get them to support me and what kind of support do I need? So in today's episode that's what we're going to talk about.

[00:00:15]Hello everybody. Welcome to the podcast today.

[00:00:17]>> Hi >> this is Ryan.

[00:00:19]>> Hi.

[00:00:19]>> You want to introduce yourself a little bit?

[00:00:21]>> I'm Ryan. I'm Maggie's husband.

[00:00:22]>> We we've been married for 17 years.

[00:00:25]>> Yeah. He's seen me through the highs and the lows and I thought he was a good person to have on the podcast to have more of a casual conversation about what this show of a journey looks like. Can I say that on YouTube?

[00:00:36]>> I might have to bleep it out in the beginning.

[00:00:37]>> Okay. Okay. What what this process looks like as someone like you who is trying to support someone like me and what I was going through and like what that relationship looks like. What does it look like if you don't have support?

[00:00:51]What does it look like if your partner does want to support you? but what's the best way to do that? Can I get better even if I don't have anyone supporting me in this journey? So, I thought this would be a good way to have that conversation and just kind of share what we went through, what it was like for you, what it was like for me, what actually helped, what actually gave me the most support, and how you guys can take this information and apply it to your own situation. So, where should we start? Let's start at the beginning. I was born Just kidding. Ryan has seen me through a lot of the ups and downs.

[00:01:20]Throughout most of our relationship, I dealt with extreme mental health issues.

[00:01:24]>> You know what I now that I'm thinking about it?

[00:01:26]>> Yeah.

[00:01:26]>> When I first met you >> very like before when we were planning our first date, you had mentioned, >> oh, I have therapy on that day.

[00:01:34]>> Okay.

[00:01:35]>> And I remember thinking, hm, because I I mean, I wasn't somebody who was exposed to that at all.

[00:01:42]>> Yeah. That wasn't like a world like something talked about in your family or people you had dated or anything like that.

[00:01:47]>> 100%. Not at Huh. Wonder what's up with that.

[00:01:50]>> I didn't ask any questions. I was like, "Okay."

[00:01:52]>> Yeah.

[00:01:52]>> But like at the time it was shortly after your mom passed away, right? And that's why you were in therapy.

[00:01:57]>> Yes. I mean among among lots of reasons.

[00:02:00]>> Um but yeah, that at that point that would have been the reason why. So it's and I'm sure I mentioned to you issues that I had with sleeping and anxiety and at that point I was on multiple medications and like my my story and my experience with all of this started I mean pretty much since I was born but like knowing I had mental health issues started around when I was 15. By the time I met you, I was 19. And so our marriage had a lot many different stages of me like really going through it. So you had become kind of used to that. It wasn't abnormal for me to totally I I can think of many times where I would just be melting down somewhere in our house. It was on the couch sometimes. It was in the kitchen. It was at the dining room table where I was just like, I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what to do. I don't feel stable.

[00:02:41]And then I would come out of it and I would like, you know, keep going. I mean, from my point of view in terms of supporting you, whether I was good at it or not.

[00:02:49]>> Yeah.

[00:02:50]>> It all seemed very manageable.

[00:02:52]>> Yeah. And I had learned to kind of professionally manage it because it was a full-time job. And so, it didn't like cause many issues within our relationship or our marriage. But as as we started getting closer to like 2021, 2022, 2023, like it started to pick up speed uh where I started really seeing the effects of what I had been through.

[00:03:15]And it was all kind of building because it it had been going on. Different levels of it had been going on, but it started really building at that time.

[00:03:22]And 2023 was kind of the year that everything hit a fever pitch. And it started off with me really struggling with depression and anxiety and like going into a full-blown shutdown, being diagnosed with CPTTSD, doing really deep therapy for that during that summer. Um, EMDR I had done the year prior. I was doing ketamine assisted psychotherapy. I was like, "This will be it, dude. We're going to get this."

[00:03:48]>> All of this was leading up to the dental injury.

[00:03:50]>> Yes. And so, it's so interesting. I just made a TikTok about this. I really think that that digging and that pressure I put on my nervous system that year of being like, "Okay, I have chronic complex post-traumatic stress disorder.

[00:04:02]Let's go in and let's excavate this."

[00:04:04]Like, >> I really think that contributed to pushing my system over the edge, which is crazy to say because that's the direction everyone gets pointed in. It's like, "Oh, well, we better unearth that trauma. We better dive deep. We better go go go right into it." And at that point, I had no capacity. And I just put all that pressure on my system. And so when everything went down in November, I stopped sleeping. I had a dental procedure done. I had nerve pain. I had insomnia. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I It was a disaster and it all kind of blew up at once. Ryan did not handle that well.

[00:04:37]>> No.

[00:04:38]>> At all. This is a really hard thing to go through whether you're the one going through it or you're someone who loves that person going through it because you have never struggled with mental health issues really. The closest you ever got was dealing with my [ __ ] >> like 6 months after everything. That was the closest he ever got to being like whoo like emotionally like this is taking a toll on me.

[00:05:01]>> But he didn't react well to it. He was very frustrated with me because that was when like the OCD stuff hit.

[00:05:08]>> Yeah. I just my brain goes logical.

[00:05:10]>> Yeah.

[00:05:11]>> Very logical. And doesn't understand how you can't meet me there.

[00:05:14]>> Yeah. It was hard. I I think back to all of the professionals like he tried to reach out to people for me. He tried to get me in with a neurologist which the facial pain doctor. He kept hearing these professionals and he would hear what they would say and he would believe them. He'd be like, "Maggie, it's obviously this." And I was just like, "No, it's not. That's not true. I've already done the research. This isn't they can't help me. Nobody can help me."

[00:05:36]Blah blah blah. But he was really frustrated. It caused a bit of a riff in our relationship because I not for very long because I had a full-blown like meltdown right after that. But he couldn't understand what I was going through and he was you were just mostly frustrated with me and I wasn't used to that kind of reaction when I would have issues and I was oh my gosh I'm like really it made me feel very very isolated and on my own. But you couldn't make sense of it. And nobody can make you cannot make sense of it unless you know what sensitization is. Cuz it is so it's such a unique experience of hell cuz you're being tortured in my case by both my body and my symptoms and my brain and my mind and being like, "Oh my god, I'm in a maze and there's no way out. What do you mean there's no way out?" Anyways, just kind of catching you guys up to speed. It ended up, you know, about four months after I I'm an adult.

[00:06:24]So I in this situation I was admitted into a psychiatric facility um for a week and I think that was a challenge on our family. I think it kind of blasted everything into perspective because at that point when that happened I just was not wanting to exist anymore. And so it it was hard that I mean that was the hardest thing we've ever been through.

[00:06:45]But maybe we can talk a little bit about what things looked like like what that was like for you. Not like the hospitalization and everything, but like what that did with your perspective or because you weren't able to like jump in and start doing much after that point. I was still very stubborn. It was hard to support me. Well, I mean, yeah, that that week was really hard, but the year after it was was hell because you came back you came out of that feeling a certain type of way because of having to do that >> and you were very very cynical, resistant, hopeless.

[00:07:21]>> Yeah.

[00:07:21]>> Still like even after all of that because then you got put on all those medications and you were like really upset about that.

[00:07:27]>> Yeah. Yeah. It it was rough. It's so interesting. You would have thought that that would be like a wakeup call. The only wakeup call that that was for me, and I know everyone will have a different experience if they've dealt with a hospitalization, but the only wakeup call I had is I was like, "Wow, nobody can help me." Like, I'm talking to psychologists, I'm talking to psychiatrists, I'm they're doing all these types of therapy, they're doing all this stuff. I'm like, "Oh my god, like I'm on my own." And I joke because like the first time I heard about acceptance was in the psych word. And I was like, "This has got to be a freaking joke." I would be meeting with like psychiatrists and being like, "I'm normal. I am a normal person. How did I get into this situation? what is happening? Like I it was so hard. And so after that I was I like to joke because I was the most stubborn person ever and the mo the I I promise you some of the some of the conversations I had with some of these doctors like I was so I was so stubborn. I was ruining people's days.

[00:08:20]>> I remember talking to the doctors checking in while you were there.

[00:08:23]>> Yeah. And so I was just like what I just felt like I was out of options and like there was just nothing I could do. So let's get into the support aspect of this because often times when we are talking about sensitization especially in the way I talk about it there is an OCD component here. Those are the people that resonate most with my work. They are the people who are so in their head that a psychward stay a doctor meeting with a bunch of professionals even a supportive spouse is not going to make a dent because they are constantly in their head. Nobody can talk any sense into you. Where should we start as far as how to support someone who like is literally spiraling, spinning out?

[00:09:07]>> It's hard.

[00:09:08]>> It's really hard.

[00:09:10]>> I went to therapy myself by myself.

[00:09:12]>> Yes. And please tell everyone what the therapist told you cuz I think this was this is maybe beneficial for other people.

[00:09:18]>> Well, I think he he identified really quickly that I'm the type of person to just if there's a problem, I'm going to try and solve it.

[00:09:23]>> Yeah. And you did.

[00:09:24]>> So that's that's what I tried to do.

[00:09:26]Let's solve this problem like over and over every which way. And I'll never forget, he told me, he's like, "You, Ryan, you're a problem solver, but right now I need you to be a problem watcher."

[00:09:36]That was so hard to hear. I'm like, "Oh, that's a change in perspective."

[00:09:40]>> Yeah. And it's funny cuz we've discussed this before that like acceptance I came to acceptance a lot later than Ryan had to, I think, to be honest. But that was essentially what your therapist was helping you do, which was just like you don't get to change what's happening >> and you can't control anything either.

[00:09:55]>> Yeah.

[00:09:55]>> And if and if she's going to kill herself, she's going to do that.

[00:09:58]>> Yeah. Yeah, >> that's basically what he told me.

[00:09:59]>> Yeah, >> even with him, it it still felt impossible because I remember waking up like you you would go about the weeks and like there would be harder days, there would be easier days and like the harder days felt like a gut punch to my stomach.

[00:10:12]>> I know. You just felt sick all the time as soon as I would wake up every morning.

[00:10:15]>> Yeah.

[00:10:16]>> If I slept.

[00:10:17]>> Yeah. And I just was like, "All right, here we go."

[00:10:19]>> Yeah. You really just strapped in. And you recall I also met with this therapist.

[00:10:24]>> Yeah.

[00:10:25]And I was just like, >> yeah, >> I was just absolutely so numb and so upset. I was so And this is why when I talk about acceptance and how important it is, I was so upset that I was in that situation. I was so pissed. I was like, "This cannot be right." I I was so in resistance to the situation that I was in and I was fighting it every single day. Just pissed. I'm like, "This how did this happen? Like I have been through so much. I have I have worked so hard. How did I get myself in this position? And how is this even possible?

[00:10:55]So I acceptance is needed all around because everyone involved is dealing with a special level of hell. It is very hard. I I assume when your partner is going through something that is so is causing such a hopelessness in them where they want to give up where they think they're better not here than here because of what a nightmare it is. A nightmare for you. I thought it was a nightmare for the kids. I absolutely thought nobody wants to deal with this and deal with me. This is not this is not what's best for everybody. and we get really a skewed version of reality.

[00:11:24]And so I want to talk a little bit about what was the most supportive thing for me when I was finally able to articulate it. And I think the biggest aspect of it because I had all that compulsive behavior and because I um it was just really important for me that Ryan knew that I wasn't going to indulge in the drama anymore and that I needed him. The way he could support me was also no, people aren't going to like this, but like pretending it wasn't happening.

[00:11:57]>> At a certain point, you told me to stop asking how how you were.

[00:12:00]>> Yeah. Um, and that had to do a lot with the fact that venting is not good on this journey. If you have that compulsive brain and that obsessive and that looping brain, it is not good to be venting about what you're feeling. And we and that this is hard. And this is kind of a way where I kind of go against what is out there a lot because many people are like, "No, you need to share how you're feeling. You need to be witnessed. You need to, you know, have someone see you in what you're going through." And like for me in that state, no, I did not. I did not. I was already looping on it. I couldn't stop paying attention to it. I was witnessing it all the time. I didn't need someone else to witness it with me, you know.

[00:12:38]>> So, how can you identify if that isn't helpful for somebody? the the the main parameter I put on it is if you have if you have a hyper awareness of what your body is doing. If you are if you are engaging in a ton of compulsive behaviors of googling and needing reassurance and asking people for qu for answers all the time and asking them for reassurance it's not helpful.

[00:12:59]>> Well, what's the problem with all that stuff though?

[00:13:01]>> The problem with asking for reassurance, number one is that it doesn't work and number two is that it just keeps reinforcing these loops in the brain. It reinforces the focus and the fear and the attention. And we have to understand that our attention is our most valuable resource in this recovery process. And if you're using that attention to focus it on the symptoms and focus it on conversations around the symptoms and how are you doing? How's your pain?

[00:13:26]How's your face? It got to a point where my dad was at my house and and I was having a one of these days where I just had a flare up of just burning and stinging all over my body. And my dad came over and he didn't know I was taking a nap. Ryan's like, "Yeah, he's kind of have she's kind of having a rough day." He's like, "Oh, why is she tired or something?" He's like, "No, she like she has >> pain all over her body." And he had no idea. And he had no idea cuz I didn't tell him.

[00:13:49]>> Yeah.

[00:13:49]>> And it's hard because it's it's an aspect of this process that feels isolating. That's just when we do our best work. Because one of the main things I want to say about support is some of you are going to have support.

[00:14:00]You are going to have people that really truly deeply care about you and they want you to get better. There are going to be some of you who have people who are directly opposing the work that you're doing and are like, "This is stupid. Go to a doctor. This isn't going to work." And there are going to be some people who are going to have no support.

[00:14:14]It's going to be it's going to be a varying range. And whatever camp you're in, you're going to think it would be better if you had support. You're going to think it would be better if all this stuff to the level of sensitization that I speak to most of the time.

[00:14:25]>> There is not much that anyone could do to support you in any meaningful way.

[00:14:28]And I and I mean that. And I and I do believe there are pe there are other professionals out there that might disagree with me.

[00:14:38]different reason.

[00:14:46]So, when it comes to that, there's someone in your life who loves you, like maybe a partner, a loved one, a mom, a whatever, because those people really want to jump in and help. Like, I have heard of people who they have parents who are totally just reinforcing the cycle because they love their freaking kid. It is destroying them. Yeah, >> it is destroying them how much this loved one is hurting. And yet, if they aren't aware of the fact that they may be unintentionally and very innocently reinforcing this pattern, it's good for them to have this information because they're like, "Oh, I don't want to be engaging my loved one in a cycle of focusing on these symptoms and talking about them and making them a very real part of their identity and their day and their experience every day." So, that was the main way. The other main thing that I did that was the farthest I got to asking or the closest I got to asking for support was telling Ryan, not that I think that I hide this very well, but when I'm having a really really bad day of flare up, whether it was mental stuff or physical stuff, it was mostly like when I would have really bad pain flares because the burning was so intense, I would it was so overstimulating to me that I felt like I was bursting out of my skin. Very hard for me to hide that from him. He picked up on it cuz I would kind of like go mute cuz I just couldn't. It was drove me crazy. I told him that what I appreciated is if I could just let him know I'm having a hard day. Like today is a challenging day or like I'm being a little tested today. And that was my way of saying like hey heads up and he would be like okay I get it. And then maybe he would, you know, help more with the kids or whatever. He's obviously already very very helpful in that respect. I I had that kind of support which I'm very grateful for. Um but that was the extent to which I was like you can't really do anything. There was nothing he was going to be able to say to make me feel better. There was nothing he was going to be able to do to make me feel better. But sometimes it was helpful to just let him know like >> I'm struggling today of it. And that was the end of it. There was no >> Yeah. Cuz over time I learned that there was nothing for me to do >> other than other than to just >> let you have your bad day >> and not try and smother you with with fixing.

[00:16:49]>> Yeah.

[00:16:50]>> Because what's there what's there to fix? Yeah. And it's like, of course, anyone who loves you, being helpful, doing things that that take pressure off, uh, you know, the way we had to accommodate to the work that I was doing and and doing my job and stuff like that. Like, he was helpful in making accommodations. But like, as far as making what I was experiencing any better or any less painful or any less uncomfortable, no one had the power to do that. I mean, I didn't even have the power to do that because I was working on a new response. I was working at going from my full-time focus and attention being on my body and my symptoms and my thinking to starting to branch off with if I take some of the attention off of this, I can put it into something that's more meaningful to me and more engaging. And um I I also learned pretty early on that, you know, we still do to this day if I'm having a rough emotional day to just be like what would help what would help me is help me break the loop I'm in right now in my head. And in that way, it was normally just getting out of the house. It was like, let's go out to eat. And this was normally I didn't feel like it. I didn't want to do it, but I knew it would be helpful. I knew it would interrupt the way that I was kind of like looping on something by giving me a new environment. So that was another thing where it was just like, "Yeah, let's go out. We might not have a good time. I might be in a bad mood. I'm still going to be uncomfortable, but I was going to go be uncomfortable somewhere else because I understood the neuroplasticity aspect of it."

[00:18:13]>> I will say things got a lot easier because there was this huge arc of like when it started and where you are now of like in the beginning there was a lot of struggle around is this neuroplastic or not? And once you got to the point where you're like, "Okay, fine. I'm I'm putting down the fight over whether or not this is nervous system related and I'm going to do what I know works. Yeah.

[00:18:35]Because this is neuro this is nervous system related.

[00:18:38]>> Yeah.

[00:18:38]>> Things got a lot easier. It was a lot easier to support you once you removed that doubt.

[00:18:43]>> Yeah. And if anyone wants a hack for that, I literally just I I knew that after at this point, I want to say it had been I I can't think of the time frame, maybe a year of doing everything I could to find out without a doubt that that's what I was dealing with. I had talked to so many people. I had hunted people down on recovery stories. I had Googled. I had searched. I had I had talked to people. I every ounce of the of reassurance that I could try to get to make me confident, I got and it didn't make me confident. And so I got to the point where I was like, listen, the boxes are ticked, looks like it, no ever way that I'm going to know 100% before I treat it like it is that 100%.

[00:19:26]And so I just decided I was going to stop looking and I was going to, and I've said this before in videos prior, one thing that really helped me push myself over that edge was knowing I had lived in a state of chronic anxiety for so long. So I knew sensitization was at play. I knew nervous system issues were at play. I knew chronic like decadesl long hypervigilance was at play. So I knew no matter what worst case scenario I deal with my symptoms better because I'm not anxious about them all the time. So like that was enough for me to be like I can't no and that's why that's why I don't do reassurance. That's why there are a lot of messages I get that go unanswered.

[00:20:03]That's why there are a lot of questions that go unanswered because when we are asking these questions, we are looking for someone to give us a hit of relief.

[00:20:12]It doesn't work and it leaves you in a position where you're constantly chasing that hit of relief from anyone who will give it to you. It is like a drug. It is it is the drug of certainty and we are just like anywhere we can get it, anyone we can ask and if they can tell us we'll be okay, we can exhale for for 4 seconds. We get so many questions >> of people asking, "Will this work for fill in the blank?

[00:20:38]>> What if this? Does this happen? Will this change?" And I know, I know because I was that person. And I I was I was lucky to learn really quick that reassurance wasn't helpful. And and and that made me feel better because I was like, "Oh, that's why it's never worked because it will never satisfy the doubt of sensitization." It reassurance will never penetrate a sensitized brain. If it does, it is so momentary, you may as well not even use it. It's like the worst band-aid for the uncertainty you're feeling. One of the first steps of this of this process is really embraing how to embrace that uncertainty. Yeah, little tangent. Okay.

[00:21:12]So, the second the second that we talked about was someone who's going in direct opposition. So, I've had I've had messages of people who are like, "My husband doesn't want me to look into to what you're teaching. my husband, sorry, it has been husbands both times uh that it's happened recently. Um just thinks thinks this is BS, thinks I need to go to a doctor, thinks that it's not going to work, thinks that it's a waste, whatever. And that is challenging. That is that is very challenging. Um and it's still not it's still not a reason you won't get better, but it is going to present its own its own challenges. And the good news is though that like most of this work you do is both internal and external. and has to do a lot with how you're showing up in the world and how you're reacting to things and how you're responding to things, no matter how scary they feel or how scary they seem.

[00:22:02]You always have this built-in thing inside of you that says I get to decide how to emotionally respond to this right now. And I get to decide what behaviors I engage in based on what I'm feeling.

[00:22:15]That's always in your control. So while I do think that presents a challenge the same as the as the the last group of people of people who just like I don't have anyone supporting me. You are going to find in this process that you are your greatest support. End of story. You are the only one who can do this work.

[00:22:33]No coach can do it for you. Your partner can't do it for you. Your mom can't do it for you. No one else can do it for you. And that's why it's good because you learn to support yourself. You learn how to give yourself what you need. and you and you learn that it's your system that has to be rewired. And I'm not saying that support isn't helpful, but like when you're in the depths of sensitization, it's like someone just giving you good vibes. I had someone ask me on a Q&A for someone who had um done my course who was like, you know, the co-regulation for my husband used to work and it doesn't work anymore. And I found that so fascinating because I'm like, I see this in two ways. one, the ability to like even co-regulate like is like feels borderline non-existent when you're sensitized. I remember times where like I would be trying to be chill cuz everyone said, "Oh, co-regulation is so good. Use someone else's calm regula calm nervous system to regulate yourself. I would be laying on Ryan's lap watching a movie.

[00:23:28]He'd be touching my hair or something trying to like just a calm environment."

[00:23:31]And I was like, "I feel like I'm being chased by a lion." I remember bringing up to my therapist. I'm like, "I never feel safe. I I constantly feel in a panic. I don't want to lay down. I want to get on my phone. I want to do something because I have that internal motor going 100 miles an hour. Um the other thing I considered was co-regulation can look a lot like reassurance and you can get to a point where yeah, maybe when you're like borderline stressed or you're dealing with dysregulation. I think co-regulation can be so important, but when you're sensitized like it just the wires don't cross. You don't co-regulation did not do [ __ ] for me when I was sensitized. Ryan I mean he could have been the kindest most loving and he is the kindest most loving person toward me and I still was just like I am bust I'm I'm bursting out of my skin. I can't I can't sit still. I couldn't watch movies. I couldn't I couldn't even be in one place. So while I appreciated everything he did, it just didn't help.

[00:24:30]And that can that can add to the isolation that you feel when you so desperately want support.

[00:24:36]In fact, this is bringing back a memory that I haven't thought of for a long time. When Ryan was attending appointments with me and he was trying to support me cuz he started coming to these appointments cuz I was so freaked out to deal with any professional. I felt like I got so screwed. And I remember telling him, "I just need you to tell me that I'm going to be okay."

[00:24:54]Like over and over. I don't know if you remember this. I was like, I just like he's like, what do you want me to do? I don't know what to do. And I'm like, I just need you to tell me that I'll be okay. But I I didn't need you to tell me that. I needed you to know that. Like I And it was like I was asking him for something he could not give me. And that's what's tough about reassurance. I wanted him to know that this all turned out okay. I wanted certainty that he could not give me, that I could not give me, that no professional could give me.

[00:25:25]And that's why the solution was so strongly in learning to sit with the uncertainty versus getting 100% certainty that things would be okay. It was absolutely required. It is necessary. You have to do that to get to the other side of this.

[00:25:40]>> Mostly what I remember is telling you it's going to be okay. We're going to figure this out and you not believing me.

[00:25:45]>> I didn't believe you at all. I didn't I did not care what anybody said because I had done so much research into it, >> right?

[00:25:52]>> And and so I would have I I have a friend that we're we're still good friends, but she was like so hopeful after I got out of the hospital and she's like, "Maggie, there's going to be a solution to this." And I was like I was mad at her. I was mad at her. I was mad at my dad. I was mad at anybody who was telling me things were going to be okay because it felt so dismissive of all of the research I had done that had proved that 100% I wasn't going to be okay. I was so committed. That's why I like to tell you guys these stories so you understand how stubborn I was and how hard I know that it is because I had to overcome me. I had to overcome my anger at people who had hope about my situation because I was like, you guys haven't scoured the entire internet for everything that has to do with what I'm dealing with. I'm not going to be okay.

[00:26:40]I am not going to get better. There is no way out of this for me. which is why I ended up in the hospital, right?

[00:26:46]>> Because I had I had I had read everything that you could read. And and it's funny because I got into the mind body world really quickly and again I saw that and I was like, I can't do this. I've already been trying. I already failed at it. This is actually hopeless because there is a way some people are getting out of this and I couldn't do that. So I' I'm literally I there's no options for me.

[00:27:05]>> Yeah. So, it's so hard and you will have a relationship with yourself on the other side of this where you will you will be able to support yourself and you will have this distress tolerance and this ability to be with anything uncomfortable and it becomes a superpower because now I'm just so chill and things are so different and it really was a rock bottom that ended up being a launch pad into a new relationship with myself, a new relationship with uncertainty. I don't think we like talk about how valuable that is and how allergic >> people in general are to uncertainty.

[00:27:41]That that's the reason why people are constantly trying to control everything in their life.

[00:27:45]>> I was telling Maggie the other day, if I could go back and erase this entire experience from happening, I probably wouldn't do it because of what you gained from it on the other side. Maggie had dealt with all kinds of mental health issues before [ __ ] hit the fan.

[00:27:59]But learning what she learned with her nervous system not only helped her with her pain, but it helped her with everything else she'd been dealing with for the 16 years that I've known her.

[00:28:08]>> You are unrecognizable.

[00:28:10]>> Yeah. It we've That was the darkest time of our life.

[00:28:13]>> Yeah.

[00:28:14]>> I have like memories like etched in my brain and one of them was just like I was just like the biggest bummer to be around. You have to be to be in the place that I was at mentally losing all hope. Like I you have to be. And there was a moment where we were sitting on the stairs and he looked at me and he said, "I I had no idea that life could get this dark." It's important to us that you guys understand that it's important to speak candidly about something that I'm surprised like so many people go through that I felt a lot of shame about. I did not know life could get that dark either. I I didn't know I didn't know that it could happen.

[00:28:47]I didn't think it would happen for me and I didn't know it was so common.

[00:28:50]Something that comforted me about a lot of the recovery stories I watched I watched over 200 of them. I did a YouTube video about that. Um was how many people were taken to a psych hospital, were put on a 5150 hold, were had to be watched in an ER, didn't want to live anymore. Uh and I do think there's like we feel a stigma around that, but I do feel like it's important to talk about because to get to that place mentally, you have to be so you have to be in such a bad spot. You have to be in such a bad spot and feeling so alone. And I understand in that moment you want support and other people in your life want to support you or they want you to get better. They they don't want you to be suffering. And yet there's such power in the work that we do when we're at the depths of this that really have has us like yanking ourselves out and being like I I did I had a moment where I was like you're going to be the one that gets you out of this. That was the biggest thing I learned from everyone I talked to, all the professionals that tried to help me.

[00:29:48]everything I everything I went through.

[00:29:50]And when I learned I was like, "Nobody can help. Nobody can help. Nobody can help. Nobody can help." And that made me the most hopeless I've ever been. But then it was also the the pivot point of me being like, "So, I'm going to have to help myself."

[00:30:02]>> Yeah. There was a lot of things that you did when you turned that corner that made it easier for me to support you.

[00:30:07]>> But didn't that just have so much to do with the fact that I was finally choosing to support myself?

[00:30:12]>> Yeah. that it was just kind of like because when you're in a relationship like that and and you feel like your partner is just they just have given up on everything. It's hard because you can't want it more than they want it and you're just like what am I supporting you just giving up on life? Like hello we have a family, we have kids. It's like we have a life together. Like in a sense, as hard as this can be as the person in my position, it is hard. But our partners are kind of like, okay, I mean, assuming you have a good supportive partner, but it's just kind of like I it's easier for me to support you knowing that you you have decided to re-engage back with life and decide it's worth staying and decide it's worth giving this your all. Because when I decided to do that, I was ultimately deciding to fight for my life and my marriage and my kids and my motherhood and my business and my my existence and I had given I had lost hope in everything for a bit there and that's that is why it got so dark because I believed that there was there were no options.

[00:31:12]>> Do you think it would be helpful if you have a partner who wants you to keep going to doctors to like consume content like like Dr. Fanist's TED talk?

[00:31:21]>> Yeah. I I know like it's I'm not a big fan of trying to convince anyone of anything, but like do you think re like giving them resources like that would be helpful?

[00:31:29]>> Well, yeah. I mean, and the resource you listed is like a resource from a doctor for people who are just like people who are naive like me that were like body problems, doctors fix them until you have a body problem that a doctor can't fix. And so, yeah, looking into the the new way that people are are recovering and getting better because I mean we have two choices here. incurable, gets worse, manage and cope or do the hard work of retraining your system and recover. That can be a lot of pressure though on the person who's in the depths of it. That's like, oh, let me try to convince you when and what the ch most challenging part that you'll face if if that's the situation you're in is that you are already overcoming your own doubt. And so to overcome someone else's, I would tell you that's not your business. You know, and I know that's hard and it it may be easy for me to say because that wasn't the situation that I was in. But when I say not your business, I mean you have to manage your capacity so well when you're so sensitized that this would be, you know, if you have a partner who just loves you and just wants you to get the right medical help and you're just like, listen, I need you to trust me on this because I'm trying to trust myself on it.

[00:32:35]>> Oh yeah.

[00:32:36]>> And so I would the way that you can support me is not by fixing this. The way that you can support me is by supporting what I have chosen to do, which is is hard. It is a hard path. I think both paths are hard. I think it's also hard to accept that this is this is the rest of your life and you're never going to get better. That is an excruciating path to me. But we are very lucky to live at a time when everyone is like I guess everyone probably is the wrong word to say, but when so many people are recovering from such horrific symptoms that in the past or per WebMD are incurable, untreatable, unhealable.

[00:33:09]So there is there are so many reasons to have so much hope and I'm hoping that as we share content in this type of form you guys can get a glimpse into the personal aspect of like what this looks like like boots on the ground not not coming from the place where I'm like I'm so happy now I'm so at peace and like let me tell you what I did but they'll like let's revisit the darkest parts of this because that's where a lot of people are most of the people that come come across my content are coming across it on accident when they are just panic watching the internet at 2 a.m. and they're really really scared. And I often hear that people who come across one of my videos are like, "Wow, this is the first time I felt hope in a year."

[00:33:54]>> Yeah.

[00:33:54]>> And I'm so grateful to be part of that.

[00:33:57]But I it's also important that you understand how I came to the knowledge that I have, which was being the toughest client for any coach or person out there trying to help me, trying to make me feel better. Being the toughest person to support is probably a good way to describe it.

[00:34:15]>> When she met with my therapist and like I talked to him afterward, he was like, "Yeah, she's going to be a tough client." Because Maggie knows just as much, if not more, than the therapist.

[00:34:24]>> I am an immersive personality.

[00:34:27]So, and I do, you know what? I do love learning. I do. And it was to my total detriment in this situation because I was like, "Easy, figure it out. I I have time. I'll just I will just figure everything you possibly could can out about this and and I'll get to the bottom of it." And that was what got me to that hopeless place because I was like, "What do you mean? There's no options here." So, hopefully this is supportive to you guys. I just want to remind you that you will be your best support and it's it's you that has to deal with what's happening in your body.

[00:34:57]And um >> I have a question.

[00:34:59]>> Yeah.

[00:34:59]>> That I don't think we discussed beforehand, but there's been a lot of people who like email us questions and like they'll buy your course for their child.

[00:35:09]>> What do you think about like that situation where like say somebody has a child who's going through it, maybe they're on board, maybe they're not.

[00:35:16]Maybe they're trying to smother them with solutions.

[00:35:19]>> What do you say to that?

[00:35:20]>> It's so challenging. I have considered often the things I've been through in my life and how I would support one of my children because I have two young children and I'm concerned about it. And the reason I'm concerned is because of my stubbornness and because a lot of people do need to learn lessons >> on their own and how the same way Ryan wouldn't take this away, it was pivotal in my character development, for lack of better term. And so as a parent, this can be a very, very hopeless situation.

[00:35:51]You can't make your kids read. You can't make them learn. You sure as [ __ ] can't make them apply it. So, this is one of those times where like the uncertainty, you leaning into the acceptance of the uncertainty and your inability to force your child to do anything is going to be so important because you just don't have as much pull as you want to. However, I hope at some point this information is like common knowledge.

[00:36:15]>> Yeah, >> I have talked to many loved ones in my life, people in our family, really good friends that have dealt with these issues. And what's helpful for me is to know that I can I can give them the information. I can tell them what helped. I can tell I can explain to them exactly how this works. And at the end of the day, they are the one in their own body. And that fear response is so strong that most of the stuff you tell someone in that state, it does not penetrate.

[00:36:42]That is one of the reasons I haven't talked about this really anywhere, but that is one of the reasons I don't offer coaching on this. It is so hard to penetrate into that brain. Like there's an aspect of this work that we have to do on our own because nobody can get through that sensitized brain and it's the same thing when it's one of your kids. It's like you you are just trying to push this information in and it doesn't get in. So it's something that you're going to have to give people the information. Give your child the information. Give your give your loved ones the information. those people that you want to help cuz maybe you're dealing with someone in your life who doesn't even know about this information and you have come across it because you love them so much and you're trying to help them. We all know how that goes over. It's just even when people want the information, they have a hard time accepting it. So, it's just one of those things you can't really force your way through. I understand the love you have for that loved one in your life. I hope in time this conversation is taught in first grade to where we understand what fear and focus and attention do when we're experiencing symptoms either mental or physical symptoms and how to not get these symptoms locked on and chronic.

[00:37:51]>> Well, I feel like we all generally know maybe know somebody who has some type of illness or pain or migraines. We didn't even bring up the fact that during all that [ __ ] I I got migraines out of nowhere, which I've never had migraines in my life. Yep.

[00:38:04]>> Isn't that crazy?

[00:38:05]>> Yeah. It was like on the tail end of it.

[00:38:06]He was having like debilitating migraines multiple times a week, like getting into a dark room. And I think >> I feel like I was going to throw up.

[00:38:12]>> Yeah. I think it was literally just the culmination of all that stress and how well he carried on throughout it all because he was kind of like holding things down while I was freaking losing it and it caught up with him. And I was so aware of it that I was like and he's like, "Well, I think they're genetic."

[00:38:26]And I and I was like, "Do not do. We're not going down that path.

[00:38:30]>> You have been under a lot of stress.

[00:38:31]your body is expressing it. Do not focus on it. Do not overdo it. Do not over research it. Let it come. Let it go. Pay as little attention to it as possible.

[00:38:40]>> They completely stopped.

[00:38:44]>> Hasn't had a migraine since. It was a rough couple weeks, but like what what is what would someone normally do?

[00:38:49]>> Yeah.

[00:38:50]>> Oh my god, what is happening? I think this is genetic. My f this runs in my family. I'm going to go to the doctor.

[00:38:54]I'm going to be on these meds. I'm going to worry about them. I'm going to fear the next one I get. When I get it, I'm going to tell everyone about it. I'm going to complain about it. I'm going to stop doing things in life because of it.

[00:39:03]That's how these symptoms become chronic. And people don't know that. And we learn it the hard way when we're like, "Oopsies, I didn't know that I was unintentionally." Like literally, we just put gasoline on the fire of these symptoms and we have no idea that we're doing it. And so just know that fear is so it is the loudest thing in a sensitized nervous system which is why this information is so challenging to penetrate until someone has exhausted all of their options because they are so afraid. So you're like, "Oh, all you have to do is just ignore it and like live your life and whatever, you know, whatever a good a well-intentioned parent would want to tell a kid." And the kid's like, "I feel like I'm dying.

[00:39:44]What are you talking about? This is terrifying."

[00:39:47]And so we have to just be um sensitive to the fact that the fear is what is talking. The fear is what is driving all of these actions. Sometimes there will be support, sometimes there won't. But at the what I've found is that learning how to support yourself is like one of the biggest gifts I've ever had. So like there is beauty in the [ __ ] I hope that was helpful for you guys. I hope that that gave you some insight into what support looks like, how to describe it, how to, you know, ask for the support that works for you while also understanding the mechanics of how all of this works, which I'm I'm going to be speaking more about because I do want people to fully understand what's happening uh in their brain and and when a nervous system gets sensitized. But the things that can be supportive are not the things that most people would think about, which is like, stop asking me about it. Stop indulging in my questions. Stop trying to fix it. You know, and isn't that so funny that most of the things I just mentioned are things that we need to ask our partner or our loved ones to stop doing. And that's the same thing with our own recovery. It's so much less about how do I do this perfectly? And it's more like what is all the [ __ ] that you're doing that is unintentionally keeping this going. So much more about what you have to stop than what you have to start.

[00:40:57]>> Always.

[00:40:58]>> Always. All right. See you guys next time.

[00:41:00]>> See you.