Bus Riders vs Car Riders vs Plane People | Derrick Stroup

[00:00:00]I was a bus rider growing up. I I think that that Listen, some of y'all were car riders. I know it when I meet you. Your hands are soft.

[00:00:08]YOU'RE NOT BUILT LIKE a bus rider. We had different childhoods. Car riders, your day started off with a high five and a Lunchables. The last thing you saw was a minivan full of love.

[00:00:19]Bus riders, our day started off with death threats.

[00:00:22]"IF YOU MISS THE BUS, SO HELP ME." I'M IN THERE IRONING MY JEANS. They're on me. I'm going, "Oh my goodness."

[00:00:31]And the bus was lawless back in the day.

[00:00:33]I mean, I grew up out in the country. My bus was K-12. The whole school was on one bus. It should not BE THAT WAY.

[00:00:41]>> [laughter] >> I GREW UP FAST. I was on that bus hearing things I didn't understand, words I couldn't comprehend.

[00:00:49]I remember I mean, really, I came home and told my dad one time. I didn't have a clue. I go, "Hey Dad, for Christmas, I want two handjobs."

[00:00:57]I go, "Everybody that's had one on the bus, Dad, they love them, man."

[00:01:02]>> [laughter] >> I mean, you should have seen him. I MEAN, HE HE COULDN'T BELIEVE I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT. HEY, THE BUS WAS THE INTERNET BEFORE THE INTERNET ever existed. IT WAS GOOGLE ON WHEELS. AND THE FURTHER YOU WENT ON THE BACK OF THAT BUS, THE DEEPER IN THE INTERNETS YOU GOT.

[00:01:20]THAT LAST ROW WAS THE DARK WEB, my man.

[00:01:25]Listen, car riders, y'all don't know about that long ride to school when you miss the bus and your family acts like you've affected them financially.

[00:01:33]>> [laughter] >> I don't know how missing the bus cost people their jobs, but that's what they sold us. My mother be like, "Now, your daddy's going to be 20 minutes late. I'm going to be 15 minutes If he loses his job, how are we going to have Christmas?

[00:01:45]Don't roll your window down. We're going to smoke this together, son."

[00:01:49]>> [laughter] [applause] >> We got to bring back overreacting as parents, you know?

[00:01:58]>> [laughter] >> I hated it as a kid, but it works, you know? Right when you feel a good rhythm in that living room, blow your lid over a Ziploc bag, you know what I mean? Send them to the playroom. Chuckle.

[00:02:09]>> [laughter] >> No, you remember dads, we got to bring back when we used to You remember when your dad would get so mad he would refer to your mother as his wife?

[00:02:18]He'd go, "Hey man, you listen, you're not going to talk to my bride that way."

[00:02:22]And you go, "We're not a family anymore?"

[00:02:24]>> [laughter] >> Oh my god.

[00:02:27]I flew in today. I'm I'm always on the road. I mean, I'm on planes all the time. It's nothing to brag about, but I do have to make a public announcement just so people know or or I can reach them. Listen, hey middle seat people, y'all's energy has gotten out of control, okay? No, we've let y'all live a happy life for a long time, but middle seat people, I'm going to be the one to tell you, you don't have any armrests, okay?

[00:02:52]We've been lying to you for years cuz WE FEEL BAD. YOU ACTUALLY DON'T HAVE ANY ARMREST. AND I KNOW SOME OF YOU MIDDLE SEAT PEOPLE ARE GOING, "OH MY GOD." IT'S TRUE. IT'S TRUE. YOU ACTUALLY OWN NOTHING. DID YOU KNOW THAT?

[00:03:05]THOSE ARMRESTS AND YOU CAN LOOK THROUGH A PLANE HANDBOOK. IT DOESN'T YOU HAVE NOTHING.

[00:03:11]YOU'RE THE MIDDLE SEAT. YOU'RE THE ONLY SEAT IN EVERY ROW THAT IF YOU DON'T SHOW UP, OUR DAY GETS BETTER. DID YOU KNOW THAT?

[00:03:19]YOU'RE THE ONLY SEAT WHERE ME AND THE WINDOW ARE GOING, "IF THIS PERSON CAN'T FIND THEIR GATE, our afternoon improves."

[00:03:26]>> [laughter] >> AND YOU'RE THE ONLY SEAT WITHOUT A JOB.

[00:03:28]YOU'RE IN OUR WAY, TO BE HONEST.

[00:03:31]I'm an aisle seat guy. I'm the captain of my row, okay?

[00:03:35]No, no, I I I run the show. IF YOU GOT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM, WE'LL HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT, OKAY?

[00:03:41]YEAH, IT'S MY ROW. You want another Biscoff? I'll hand it to you when I'm ready.

[00:03:46]>> [laughter] >> THIS IS MY ROW, MY MAN.

[00:03:50]Welcome to row 21. IT'S STROOP DAWG'S HOUSE. [laughter] IT'S MY ROW.

[00:03:56]WHEN THE PLANE LANDS, I STAND UP AS THE AISLE SEAT. AND YOU middle and you windows, you look like goblins under there. And I see you trying to move and I GO, "GET BACK IN THERE!"

[00:04:07]I GO, "YOU STAND UP WHEN I LEAVE!"

[00:04:10]AND YOU GUYS GO, AND I SEE YOU.

[00:04:15]>> [laughter] >> YOU GOT NO JOB, MIDDLE SEAT. WINDOW SEAT PEOPLE, YOU'RE JUST BARELY BETTER.

[00:04:21]You're just barely better. You're part of the program, but you're not giving much effort, okay?

[00:04:26]The The real The real introverts of the situation. The neck roll and the 4 hours of sleeping. I GUESS YOU GUYS DON'T have a bladder. What a lie.

[00:04:34]>> [laughter] >> I mean, I DON'T SIT IN THE WINDOW because it's mental warfare. If I sit in the window, I'll pee every 11 minutes.

[00:04:42]AND AS SOON AS THERE GETS TURBULENCE, I'LL MAKE A RUN FOR THE BATHROOM.

[00:04:45][laughter] I THE PLANE WILL BE ROCKING.

[00:04:47]I GO, "YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO HOLD ME DOWN!"

[00:04:50]>> [laughter] >> AND I HAVE TO SHARE THIS HERE because if I share it on my United flight, I'll use I'll lose my status, okay?

[00:05:02]>> [laughter] >> And you middle people don't understand, but other people we've worked hard for our points.

[00:05:09]>> [laughter] >> I'm going to pass OUT, MAN.

[00:05:15]>> [applause] [cheering] >> THANK Y'ALL.

[00:05:23]I JUST HAD TO GET THAT off my chest.

[00:05:26]I hate to talk about planes on stage.

[00:05:28]You know, it's But the the The biggest cities in the world are at our airports, you know?

[00:05:34]I mean, I landed earlier. Excuse me, landed. This guy, he's 180 years old, he stands up. He goes, "WHAT A FLIGHT!

[00:05:43]WHAT A FLIGHT!"

[00:05:45]And we circled Allentown in Pennsylvania for 55 minutes.

[00:05:49]THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED AN HOUR IN THE SKY.

[00:05:53]>> [laughter] >> AND I SAID UNDER MY BREATH, I GO, WELL, HE was obviously on a different flight, you know? Just a little zinger from my row as the captain. I was just, you know, keeping morale up, you know? And we all kind of giggled, we all kind of giggled, and the lady three rows back, she goes, it could have been worse.

[00:06:12]And I'm going to tell y'all I almost had an aneurysm, okay?

[00:06:15]Yeah, it could HAVE BEEN WORSE, KATHY.

[00:06:17]WE COULD HAVE CRASHED, OKAY? Do you When your order's WRONG AT A RESTAURANT, DO YOU GO, WELL, at least they brought out something to eat?

[00:06:24]What a blessing.

[00:06:25]>> [laughter] [music]