Today I learned how hard it is to make friends in your thirties

[00:00:00]Today, I learned that keeping friends in your 30s isn't the same as it was when you were younger. Just as an adult, it's already very difficult to find people you naturally click with. What I've learned is that as you get older, it takes way more effort to be a good friend and to keep a friend. I tend to run into people who already have existing friend groups. I'll develop deep friendships with them on a one-on-one basis, and I'm vaguely aware that they have an existing group of friends, maybe from college, from childhood, or from years of planting roots in the city they've lived in. I can't compete with the amount of history they have. So, often I feel a little awkward being introduced into their tribe. Even if they make the best efforts to make me feel included, I can't keep up with the inside jokes that run deep in shared lore. So, I stand there as an outsider, let out a performative chuckle at context that I don't fully understand. When brought to such events, I do feel appreciative, but I also feel like the secret [music] girlfriend, too. With all my friends' friends being grandfathered in, I was the stranger, someone everyone knows just as her friend. [music] Then, there are the office friends.

[00:00:54]Having worked in a corporate environment for years, I've developed [music] strong connections with co-workers. It was difficult for the first few jobs I had in the tech or ad tech fields I worked in, I was surrounded mostly by older men, none of whom [music] I was particularly interested in getting to know. But, my final office job had a lot more employees around the same age as I was, with more women, as well, who I felt like made my workplace fun because we bonded over shared gripes about company bureaucracy and shared schedules. Then, one by one, you no longer work at the same company, [music] and you realize these friendships don't last as long as you thought it did without the common thread between the two of you. No more common enemies or meeting up for coffee and walks to share office gossip in the middle of an 8-hour work day for [music] years. To maintain the initial connection that felt effortless, all of a sudden you have to make significant effort to find other means of staying connected [music] because let me tell you, it is so easy to make excuses not to see each other.

[00:01:42]Life goes by so easily, [music] with days flying by in a blink of an eye, especially when you start hitting your late 20s and then 30s. So, breaking up with the company can feel like breaking up with the routine of friendship you once had with each other.

[00:01:54]And it gets even lonelier when you're not working in an office. When I became a content creator, I went from being in an office with a hundred people that I could walk around and have conversations randomly during the day, just grabbing small cutie oranges and cereal at the snack bar, to being by myself all day, every day, unless I attend events. I made the jump to move to Los Angeles specifically because when I was in San Francisco, I tried so hard to make friends when I first became a content creator. And people I met either thought my job was the coolest thing they had ever seen, but couldn't relate to, or they didn't think it was a real job at all. I remember being at a bar and someone made comments about how anyone could do my job. The air was filled with judgment, feigned as curiosity. I felt like my soul craved to find the types of creatives that I kept meeting in LA. So, that's why I moved and never looked back. Even in just the first two weeks of being here, every conversation felt like a breath of fresh air. There was this innate understanding [music] of the hustle that comes with the passion for pursuing a career in the arts, and finally, [music] I felt seen.

[00:02:48]As you get older, you and your friends start getting partnered up romantically.

[00:02:52]Naturally, they start investing their time into building something with that partner, meaning they have less free time to be spending with their friends outside of work. [music] People start prioritizing smaller circles of quality friendships. When your friends start having families and you're still in the mood to go out and party because you don't have kids, then suddenly you went from getting drunk every weekend together to taking slow walks in the park with a toddler where you can't cuss. The difference in lifestyles between the two of you make it harder to see each other. You stop relating to them and they start looking for people who understand them. Parents become friends with other parents and it can feel like you're left alone [music] again.

[00:03:23]Because people always want to find their person, meeting new friends who happen to be straight and of the opposite gender generally leads to this back and forth question of, are we just friends or are you secretly hoping to date me?

[00:03:34]Are we interested in each other's personalities and want to hang out platonically or is there some underlying attraction here that goes beyond that?

[00:03:40]Then there is the issue of whether you can even hang out with them one-on-one if they're already partnered because sometimes their partners might feel jealous. So, you have to respect and deal with the restrictions of how to get to know them without crossing any boundaries. If your friends live close by, it may feel like they're your go-to comfort person. But if they move away, you could realize how hard it is to actually make plans with that person.

[00:04:00]Once it was easy to walk over to their apartment and knock on the door, and now you have to pencil in the one day in 3 weeks that they have free and hope that they text you back in time to make those plans happen. And then pray that you're both in the mood to follow through with those plans when the day comes.

[00:04:12]Thankfully, I successfully made deep connections with people who started off as work friends, but became people I genuinely loved hanging out with in any context. It doesn't matter where they live or how often I see them. Our friendship is strong and we can reconnect at any point and continue as if no time had passed by. What I have found helpful over the years is that, again, it takes effort. [music] First of all, follow up with people on plans like you would for an important meeting. Tell them when you're thinking of them. I love leaving a trail of voice notes to tell them how much they mean to me. Find things to do, not just catch up over food and drinks. You don't want to get into a habit of just catching up. You want to make memories with your friends actively. Learn that some friendships are going to be linked to certain things. I have friends that I only really see at events. I have friends that are people that I video call often to tell them about anything or ask for advice. I have friends who I love partying with, who are always down for a spontaneous adventure or travel. I have friends who I can sit with at a cafe to focus, co-work, and not talk for hours.

[00:05:05]FaceTime and video calls are your friend. Not everyone has good texting habits, but a FaceTime call is like the equivalent of a picture representing a thousand words. Remember the little details about someone that might have been something they said in passing.

[00:05:16][music] If they mention their favorite type of drink, send them a recommendation for a local cafe that has a version of that they would want to try. [music] If they're wearing cool thrifted earrings, ask if they want to go thrift shopping with you. If they mention they want to start working out but haven't gotten into a good habit of doing so, take them to a workout class and both start as beginners, so you're doing it together. I've even sent a friend who lives states away a bouquet of flowers when I heard they were going through a hard time.

[00:05:39]Just because someone has been in your life for a decade or longer, but you might find that they seem to suck the energy out of you whenever you hang out recently, doesn't necessarily mean you have to stay friends with them. But be understanding that lifestyles change [music] drastically during this time.

[00:05:53]People graduate, get new jobs, get married, have kids, move away, and all of those things can affect the way they might prioritize your friendship.

[00:06:00]Sometimes close friends shift and drift, or sometimes you just realize you don't value the same things anymore. So, it's okay to let some people out of your orbit to let others in. If you enjoyed this storytime, make sure to subscribe and follow for more.