Are SECOND CHANCE romances "get back with your ex" propaganda?

Added: 2026-05-12

[00:00:01]Hey class, welcome back to trope school.

[00:00:03]Today we are talking all about second chance romance, which feels like kind of a controversial one. I think this is a trope that people have a lot of strong opinions on and it's a trope that I sort of love and hate in equal measure. So let's get into it and discuss why. So when we say second chance romance, we are talking about a love story where the two people have previously been romantically entangled and this story is about them getting a second chance trying again or by the end of the story getting to a point where they are ready to try again in this relationship. And my main problem with second chance romance is just on the surface based on that definition I just gave. It almost feels like it's romanticizing and promoting this idea that you should get back with your ex. Especially when it's about the coming together of two people who were in a real long-term committed relationship with each other or in some cases even were married to each other.

[00:01:14]And I feel like if those things aren't taken into consideration and second chance romances aren't handled quite delicately, then they can be a bit of a dumpster fire. Because if we're going to watch someone get back together with their ex, we need to still respect these characters and their decisions and root for these people to be together. And depending on the nature of the original breakup, an audience is not necessarily going to root for these people. Just because they once loved each other doesn't mean that they should love each other again. But I also really hypocritically love second chance romance because it plays on this idea of like fate, destiny, and if it's meant to be, then it will be. If you love something and you let it go and then it finds its way back to you, then it was always yours. And if it doesn't, it was never yours or some What? Whatever that saying is. You know what I'm trying to say? If two people are meant to be together, they will find their way back. I absolutely eat that up. That is so romantic to me. I don't think it really gets much more romantic than that. Love outside of your control. If two people are meant to be, then the stars will align and they will find their way back to each other. That happens in second chance romance. And I eat that aspect of the trope up so much. I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned this on the channel, but causality is my Roman Empire. like causality, the butterfly effect, and also just the concept of fate and destiny. I think about those things every single day of my life. How one decision or one little thing going differently can affect the course of someone's entire life. Or the whole concept of everything happens for a reason. If it's meant to be, then it will be. It's so hard to say that without singing. If it's meant to be, then it will be. And I'll forgive it all as it comes back to me. And for those reasons, second chance romance is sometimes my favorite trope. But at the same time, I kind of hate it. I don't want to see someone get back with their toxic ex who didn't value them when they were together. But I also love the idea that if something didn't work out the first time, then you can have another shot to write that wrong. If you have a one that got away, you can have a second chance to make that love work. True love is a force bigger than you. Love will find a way. Love will prevail.

[00:03:56]Yes, love. All of that. However, I'm also someone who's never let go of anything in my entire life. So, if the second chance romance feels like getting back with your ex propaganda, then it gets under my skin. a story of someone taking back a toxic ex who cheated on them, gas lit them, emotionally neglected them, didn't see their worth when they had them. No, no thank you. No thank you. You can keep that. Thank you. So, let's talk about the common setups for this trope or I guess in second chance romance, the situations in which the couple has previously been intertwined with each other. So firstly, I've already mentioned that it's my least favorite, so let's get that out the way first.

[00:04:44]They are actual exes. They were in an adult long-term relationship, often living together or sometimes they were literally married to one another. And within this story, for whatever reason, for whatever circumstances, they are now in a position where they have to readress their previous relationship and rectify whatever it was that broke them apart. So, for example, this happens in Sweet Home Alabama, Materialists, uh, Happy Place by Emily Henry. And this is a really hard angle to execute in my opinion. And I already had a mini rant about it before, but if these people were in a committed long-term adult relationship with each other, in order for them to have broken up or ended a marriage, in some cases, something significant has to have happened to break them up. But that thing that broke them up can't be so severe that it's irredeemable of a character or both characters. But it also needs to make sense and it needs to hold enough weight that you understand why they broke up.

[00:05:54]There should be some hesitancy to the rekindling of the relationship. So we get a bit of a will they won't they.

[00:06:01]There needs to be angst. We obviously need to overcome the previous issues that broke us up in the first place. But if the thing that broke us up in the first place was one person or both people being terrible people, you're going to have to do a lot of character growth and a lot of grling and a lot of progression in that story to make your audience feel like they should get back together. Because honestly, even when it's something minor, like you were in a relationship and there was just a very small bump in the road or a minor problem that happened that broke you guys up, to me, that in of itself is a red flag and you probably shouldn't get back together with that person because it shows that they didn't care enough about you to fight for the relationship at the time and work through whatever issue it was in order to be with you. If you didn't care enough to fight for the relationship the first go around, what makes you worthy of a second chance? For me, a second chance relationship where it is serious adult exes getting back together and I'm really skeptical about it is The Parent Trap. Now, stay with me because obviously that movie is incredible. It's like a 10 out of 10 movie. It's so iconic. It's so so good.

[00:07:18]But this couple broke up over an argument where they were like hurling hair dryers and stuff across the room.

[00:07:26]Like they were quite violent to one another. They hated each other so much that they split up twins at birth. Never tried to communicate or co-parent. Both of them willingly gave up one of their children to never see again in their life and not tell their child they are an identical twin because they couldn't communicate properly and work through their differences. Why do we think these people have grown enough um and improved their morals enough and their loyalties enough to give this another whirl?

[00:07:59]Obviously that's overlooked because it's an iconic movie. We don't think about it. It's a kids movie and it really focuses more on the twins swapping place than the parent trap, ironically. But if that movie was through a different lens, it's a horror movie. And Sweet Home Alabama is also about uh two people who who used to be married. I've recently learned that this film has a lot of haters, which I wasn't aware of. I watched this movie a lot as a kid, so I think I've kind of just excused things.

[00:08:31]And I'm very aware that this movie has not aged well with the current political climate. However, putting all of that aside, to me, Sweet Home Alabama does work as a second chance romance between people who were formerly married because those two people have basically become completely different people. They have changed so much in each other's absence that trying the relationship again is almost as if it's a new relationship entirely. They went from being like rebellious teens who were in their hometown, had never done anything of value with their life to like starting their own businesses, becoming really successful in their career, chasing their own ambitions and goals away from each other that when they come back together, they're coming back together as different people and the growth they've done is in opposition to the reason they broke up in the first place.

[00:09:27]People will disagree with me on that movie, but I stand by it. And I think I like it because although it is under this sort of setup of exwife, ex-husband, really that's not what it is really. It falls under the category of first loves reuniting. So, to me, this is a far better way of setting up a second chance romance is to have the exes be first loves that were torn apart, probably because of youth.

[00:09:57]Because when we're young, we are such different people. We don't have as much confidence. We have a different outlook on the world. We have different ambitions. And I think it's more realistic to be torn apart by external forces when you're young. Young people are more susceptible to be persuaded to end relationships if they feel judgment.

[00:10:21]Young people are more likely to listen to their parents. Young people are more likely to miscommunicate, not tell people how they really feel. But these things are realistic in a young person, but they show weakness of character in an adult. Like if you're 17, living under your parents' roof, and your mom tells you that you're not allowed to date that boy, like if you do, she'll never speak to you again. Whatever it is, you're quite likely to listen to your mom in that circumstance. But if you're a 28-year-old and you say to someone like, "Sorry, I can't go out with you because my mom doesn't want me to." It's completely believable to me that an 18year-old would be too scared to tell someone they love them, to be too scared to say how they really feel.

[00:11:11]But if you're 30 and you're too scared to tell someone that you like them, like grow up, get a backbone. So, I feel like first loves have a lot of plot armor that doesn't work when it's adult exes.

[00:11:26]And when it's first loves reuniting, it feels very much like the one that got away. And it feels very right person, wrong time, which is really romantic and I really like that. And those themes are kind of similar in essence to another setup for the people, which is just the almost relationship situationship one night stand. So, this is a couple that never got the chance to be together.

[00:11:57]They had a very, very fleeting love affair, and now, usually years later, they have the chance to meet again and give that relationship a go. And this type of setup in second chance romance really works for me because it removes all of the stuff I said I usually find problematic. These two people have not been given the chance to see if a relationship will work between them and they are being given a second chance to finally be together and see if a relationship is viable between them.

[00:12:31]Whereas exes have already had that opportunity and botched it. So, like I say, this is in essence sometimes quite similar to the first love reunion. Like we were high school sweethearts who only had a summer together before life or people ripped us apart. We met while passing through a city, had one amazing night together, but then we had no way of ever contacting each other again until the fates brought us back together. We had one amazing night together or one terrible night together and for whatever reason we never wanted to see each other again after that but we are now forced together. Really anything between a very shortterm relationship like a fling or a one night stand to just passing ships in the night. right person, wrong time. Which again kind of plays on the aspects of second chance that I like, which is the idea of fate and destiny and if you've missed someone, if you're meant to be with them, the stars will align for you to meet again, which is kind of like the opposite of that theory. I don't know if it's got a name, but the whole theory that once you're never meant to associate with someone again, like if you break up with someone, even if you live next door to them, if you are never meant to be in each other's lives again, then you will never see each other. Even if you live around the corner, it's like the opposite of that. Like you could live in different countries, but if you are meant to meet again, then you will bump into each other somewhere. And outside of the main plot for second chance romance, like we usually in these episodes talk about versions of the trope where it's like a micro trope version. I think second chance romance is used a lot in longunning TV shows where they sort of make the couple have a real on again, off again, on again, off again romance. But this doesn't generally follow the normal rules of the trope. It's just done because they've got too much TV to fill and they got the characters together too early and they think that people are going to get bored if they just stay together. So, they break them up a million times, which by the way, TV, we see through you. We're sick of it. You get to break them up one time. Any more than once, we're bored.

[00:14:48]And in essence, as well, you could argue that the third act breakup is like a micro trope of second chance romance.

[00:14:56]This is a very loose connection, though.

[00:14:59]I'd say they're more distant relatives, but um I'd say the third act breakup is actually a trope in of itself. We will probably discuss the third act breakup at some point, but it is arguably a sort of minor form of second chance romance.

[00:15:15]So, as I say, in my opinion, second chance romance works best when it's more focused on the theme of the one that got away yearning for a second chance with someone you never really got the chance with in the first place, as opposed to someone you were in a really long-term relationship with. And we failed as a couple, but like, hey, let's give it another whirl. Why not? And I know I've spent the entire videos so far slagging off the ex's setup, but when it's done well with intent, I do enjoy the wider theme and message behind it of you do need to continuously work in a relationship. You need to keep romance alive, otherwise it might die and you still need to keep choosing each other every day. So sometimes when exes drift apart and it's just because life got in the way, like quite serious life and they just stopped making time for each other, then sometimes I can get on board with that. But it has to be in a way that doesn't make me hate a character and where it doesn't feel like emotional neglect. And when it's done well, second chance romance. Especially, like I say, when it's like the one that got away, right person, wrong time, second chance romance. The yearning is some of the best yearning you will ever see. We talked about a while ago yearning in uh the summer turned pretty. And I think the reason that the yearning worked so well in season 3 of the summer turned pretty is because they had previously been together and broken up, but they were still in love, still yearning for each other. Persuasion by Jane Austin, I think is one of the most yearly stories ever. Like when you watch Persuasion, maybe not the Dakota Johnson one, but if you watch other good Persuasions, you can like feel the pining and the longing. And when second chance is done like that, like the people never fall out of love and it's the one that got away. The yearning is like the most potent yearning I think you can get in romance. I also think that second chance romance is really good when it's put with other tropes like forced proximity for instance. You take two exes and you put them in forced proximity with each other. That just adds another layer of angst to that story. We did an episode on forced proximity and I said in that episode I don't think forced proximity is enough to carry a story. Force proximity has to be put with something else. And while I don't think second chance has to be with something else, I think it's best when it is. Like the basis of the book Happy Place by Emily Henry, the reason that couple broke up is fine, but it's also like was that enough to warrant a breakup? So alone that story could be analyzed too much.

[00:18:09]But because that story is also a fake dating story where it's exes who have to fake date, the story is spiced up so much that you don't overanalyze those sort of details. I also love the concept of like enemies to lovers with second chance romance. So it's like exes who now hate each other who come back together. However, this one is iffy again because it the concept excites me.

[00:18:35]But in order to be enemies with an ex, something really bad has to have happened. And that bad thing, like I say, can't be irredeemable if you're going to get back together. I haven't actually read this book, but it's also soon going to be a movie that is you deserve each other. that is a story about fiancs who have fallen out of love and are like trying to one up each other to try and get the other to cancel the wedding and in doing so find their way back to each other. So that concept is really cool but um I'm looking forward to reading and watching that to understand the reason that these people have fallen out of love and how that is managed in a way that an audience will root for them getting back together. But the whole concept of those types of things like adding fake dating in or adding in enemies to lovers allows you to make it more of a romcom than a very serious drama. And I think when you add really good light-hearted comedy into a romance, it can plug some plot holes.

[00:19:39]For instance, The Notebook, which is probably one of the most famous second chance romances ever, that is not a romcom. that is like a serious romantic drama. But their breakup, it's like a first loves reuniting. Their breakup makes sense, at least to me. I don't watch The Notebook and think like, "Oh, how ridiculous. Just talk it out." Their breakup makes sense to me, and therefore their reunion makes sense to me. But if The Notebook had a really iffy breakup that you didn't buy into, the rest of the movie would fall apart a little bit because it has nothing else to rely on, if that makes any sense. So, we've already talked about it quite a lot, but when does second chance romance fail?

[00:20:26]For me, like I said, it's when the breakup surrounds something really bad or irredeemable like cheating, betrayal, someone being gaslit or emotionally neglected or abused, I'm really unlikely to root for that person and their redemption. And even if I'm happy that that person grows and redeems themsel, I don't necessarily want them to have a second chance with the person that they hit. And for that reason, I prefer the breakup to have come about by mostly external forces. Like in persuasion, she is quite a weak character who's young, who cares about people's opinions, and she is persuaded to end that relationship. As I say, when it's first loves, and they're like teenagers, young adults in the first goound. things like them going to different cities for university life, taking them apart because they're so young and have a life to live before they settle down. That makes sense to me. I also think like the reason that we're consuming romance, reading it, watching it, whatever the case may be, is because we want to witness or in some cases experience two people falling in love with each other.

[00:21:41]But when it comes to second chance romance, those people have already fallen in love with each other. So typically second chance romance is told in a really sweeping time frame like for instance like one day or normal people or the notebook they are told in chronological order. You just get big time jumps. Sometimes it's told in like a dual timeline. For instance, in Happy Place by Emily Henry, it's like it's a bit told like People We Meet on Vacations where you get like flashbacks.

[00:22:14]So, dual timeline or flashbacks is also how it's told a lot of the time. But sometimes you don't see them falling in love originally at all. You're just given the context and you're told that they were in a relationship with each other. So, this happens in Materialists and this happens in Sweet Home Alabama.

[00:22:34]This also happens in Persuasion as well.

[00:22:37]And it's interesting because I do think this can be overlooked. We don't necessarily have to see their first relationship, but in order to make up for us missing these characters originally falling in love with each other, we really have to see them fall in love with each other the second time.

[00:22:54]And we need a lot of context, yearning, and pining. So, in Persuasion, it doesn't bother me that we don't see flashbacks to that time. We are just told about it in context because you get to see an pining for Wentworth and you feel that heartbreak. She is still completely heartbroken over it. You feel that and through that heartbreak you witnessing, you understand how deep her love was the first time. However, this did bother me in Materialists because it did the opposite. We don't get to see them initially fall in love, but we also see very little screen time of them reuniting and falling in love again. So, although it's still kind of a nice story, I don't necessarily yearn for it and buy into it. And let's quickly round off my hate of the ex's setup. So again, their breakup previously, it's hard because it has to sit in this golden area of it was significant to warrant a breakup, but not significant enough that you don't root for them to work it out.

[00:24:05]And generally in this instance, when it's exes who broke up for a reason, it requires really significant character growth, which I genuinely love in my stories. always wanting character growth beyond just a quick romance. The reason I love fiction in general is I just love experiencing people growing, learning something, overcoming something. So, I always want to see character growth, but in this situation of two exes are going to get back together and they broke up for a significant reason, the character growth has to be like substantial. As I mentioned, the reason I think Sweet Home Alabama does work is because they are just two completely different people.

[00:24:48]They've gone from being like scared, inexperienced teenagers who got married too young to both being like successful business owners who've dated other people, lived in different places. Like a a reason that people break up a lot in real life, especially if they've been together a really long time, is as humans, we are constantly growing and evolving. or you should be at least. I think all people should be constantly trying to better themselves. And sometimes people grow together and get stronger. And sometimes people just grow apart and they want different things as they grow and change and become older and therefore relationships can end. But if you're going to get exes back together, what needs to happen is the opposite. like these people weren't compatible at that point in their lives.

[00:25:40]So they've separated. They've done huge amounts of growth as individual people, but that growth has actually made them grow together and now they are compatible. But again, those things need to be handled really carefully. It makes sense if it's really young people becoming adults, but if it's adults who break up for a reason, the character growth needs to be really, really significant, and they need to have gone through something significant to warrant them being right for this person now, the second time around. So, that's what I have to say about my lovehate relationship with second chance romance.

[00:26:16]Uh, I'd love to know what you guys think in the comments. Um, your favorite second chance romances, whether you love it or hate it. And if you like discussing romance tropes, then you might be interested in joining us in the Fan Girl Coven. The Fan Girl Coven is an online book club and community. It launched this month if you're watching this when it drops in May of 2026. And this month we are reading a second chance romance. So if you want to read that with us, then come and join us in the Fan Gill Coven. We would love to have you with us. I will put a link in the description in a pinned comment and you can find it on my channel. That's it for today. Please like, hype, and comment on this video. Help a girl out with the algorithm. And class dismissed.

[00:27:00]I will see you next time.