Attachment vs Detachment

Added: 2026-05-15

[00:00:06]Hey there.

[00:00:07]A while ago, and um it really is quite a while ago, I asked people on Instagram, what would you like to see me do a video on? And one person left a very thoughtful suggestion that I thought was quite interesting.

[00:00:25]And it was this, can you talk about attachment versus detachment?

[00:00:31]And I think that was an allusion to this maybe more of a stoic topic.

[00:00:35]Um and I think I can talk about this in such a way that it includes pens, but I agree that it is kind of a stoic topic. So, it took me a little while to think about what to say about it.

[00:00:50]And here are my thoughts.

[00:00:53]I think attachment is to a large extent what makes life worth living.

[00:01:06]Attachment to people, pets, um maybe specific objects in your life.

[00:01:16]I also think detachment is what makes life bearable.

[00:01:22]So, you have to strike a balance between those two things.

[00:01:28]And the stoics are quite clear. So, I'll I'll I'll start off there.

[00:01:32]Stoicism is a school of philosophy that centers around detachment.

[00:01:41]Detachment from negative emotions, the passions, detachment from becoming too attached to things. And for the record, things in this context could be people.

[00:02:04]And in a way, detachment from ego. That speaks quite clearly from the writings of Marcus Aurelius.

[00:02:12]So, when when we quickly go over those three things, right?

[00:02:15]Detachment from negative emotions. I've I've said this kind of thing in the past talking about stoicism.

[00:02:21]I have never heard someone say, I was just too happy today. Damn happy. People don't complain about that. What people do complain about, what they are worried about, what what affects their life negatively is negative emotions. I was too angry today. I was too judgmental. I was too um upset. I was too anxious. I was too Like all these kinds of things.

[00:02:41]That is what people tend to struggle with. And stoicism to a very large extent centers around detaching yourself from those negative passions as the the stoics would would call it.

[00:02:58]Learning to take a step back so that you may flourish. So that you take a quick break and say, is this worth getting angry about? Is this worth getting upset over?

[00:03:13]Is this really something I should allow access into my thoughts so that I am negatively affected and my mood tanks and I feel terrible.

[00:03:25]So, that's stoics and emotion. Then there is Sorry, stoics and detachment from emotion. Then there is detachment from things you could value in your life.

[00:03:40]And this is one of the areas, I think, where stoicism becomes very harsh.

[00:03:48]A very harsh philosophy.

[00:03:51]Um there are passages in Epictetus's um Enchiridion, the the handbook, the manual, where he describes, and I I don't I didn't whip it out, so I don't have the quote in front of me, but sorry, but where where he Epictetus basically describes, so, when you kiss your child goodnight, I'm paraphrasing here.

[00:04:17]Uh realize tomorrow they could be gone.

[00:04:20]Right? So, so be mindful of that attachment that you have.

[00:04:25]You're only borrowing someone from the universe. And at some point, they're going to go back to the universe. And he he's quite clear this applies to objects.

[00:04:36]Uh he he makes his case at some point of how how upset he was but a lamp that was outside his door that got stolen.

[00:04:43]And then he chides himself the next morning for, well, I shouldn't have bought such a nice lamp. If I wouldn't have such a nice lamp, people wouldn't be envious, they wouldn't steal it. So, he buys a crappier lamp and puts that next to his front door.

[00:04:55]So, you see it there in in in in objects, which is one thing. You also see that with the stoics in people. Be mindful, Marcus Aurelius is very similar. Be mindful of your attachment to people because at any point in time, they can be taken away.

[00:05:12]Now, you don't have them anymore.

[00:05:14]Whether that is in a romantic relationship, whether that is in a relationship with family members, where that is in whether that is in romantic relationships, one moment to the next, it could be gone. Right? You That that could be taken away and then you don't have that anymore. And then, if you're not prepared for that because you have become too attached, well, then you're going to suffer because now you have lost this thing, person from your life, right? And I specifically put it that way. It could be a thing that you value and that you then lose. Could also be a person that's no longer part of your life.

[00:05:50]And I I've always felt that that is a very difficult concept in stoicism.

[00:05:56]I really like the detachment from negative emotions because it helps. It really helps. It can give you a lot more mental comfort and peace to learn to detach from [snorts] that negativity that you experience and that you tell I just punched myself in the glasses, yes. And that that you experience in life. A small thing upsets you and then it ruins your day. But it doesn't have to. And by proper application of stoic principles, you can learn to mitigate that and not have that ruin your whole day.

[00:06:27]I have learned to do that. And some days I still can't do it, but I can do it a lot more than I used to be able to.

[00:06:32]Right? So, I think that's very helpful.

[00:06:34]When it comes to detachment from people, or, you know, for that matter, pets, anything that's alive, to be so rational as to say, well, I love you, but I realize tomorrow you could be gone.

[00:06:52]So, there we are.

[00:06:57]That's a little difficult.

[00:06:59]And and especially when when Epictetus then goes on and says these writes these kinds of or actually he didn't write he didn't write but said these kinds of things that someone else wrote down along the lines of, you know, when you lose a friend, don't mourn them because they were just given back to the universe.

[00:07:15]Yeah, I don't think it's quite that easy for most people. And I totally understand where he's coming from. I think we all do on a very rational level we all understand what he's saying.

[00:07:23]Yeah, and then if you live that way, then you're not so perturbed when something happens to that person. But can you really live that way?

[00:07:31]Can you really like say kiss your partner goodnight and then say, well, tomorrow you might not be there anymore.

[00:07:39]You know? That's okay cuz I've had you for this time, so that's great.

[00:07:44]I think that becomes a lot more complicated. Now, final thing I would say about stoicism and then we'll turn briefly to pens is there's also a detachment from ego.

[00:07:55]Marcus Aurelius is quite good at how he expresses that multiple locations in the Meditations.

[00:08:03]Where he's really quite clear on just do something. Do the right thing.

[00:08:09]If you do something nice for someone, don't expect anything in return. You're doing that thing to be nice. You shouldn't do it to be nice and then get excessive thank yous and all that kind of stuff.

[00:08:20]So, that means you are chiseling away at your ego.

[00:08:24]You do something because it's the right thing and that on its own is enough of a reward. There is nothing else to it.

[00:08:33]That too, I think, is very helpful. So, I understand the detachment from emotion and I can really appeal to the detachment from ego, but the detachment from those people or things or beings in your life that really mean something to you, I find a lot more complicated.

[00:08:49]And then I will turn this briefly to pens cuz over the years I have I have owned a lot of fountain pens and I've sold pens.

[00:08:58]And [snorts] occasionally it's rare, but occasionally I have regretted selling something. And there I think this is a very good application of those stoic thoughts.

[00:09:08]What I then tell myself is, yeah, but look, I have other things that I really like. I have other pens that I really like. And I have the memories of those pens that I've really enjoyed.

[00:09:17]So, now you can detach from your attachment and I think that that can be very beneficial. It's okay. I had this thing and now I don't have this thing. I'm talking about a living being. I'm talking about a fountain pen in the grand scheme of things. It's really not that big a deal, is it?

[00:09:36]There's a a delicate balance to strike and I think it is a a complicated balance, but it's one to think about. How do you feel about that?

[00:09:47]It's very easy for human beings. I think that's how we have evolved to become very attached to things.

[00:09:56]But once you learn to detach more, you gain a lot of freedom.

[00:10:03]And a lot of mental space, so to speak, is cleared out that you can use for other things.

[00:10:10]And I think that's wonderful.

[00:10:13]So, where do you stand on attachment versus detachment? I'm always interested in reading that. So, please leave me a comment on that. I hope I've answered this person's question well. I'm sorry this video was so long in the making, but I really needed some time to organize my thoughts and hopefully not ramble away. So, there we are. I hope this was useful.

[00:10:33]And I'd like to see you later.

[00:10:35]Bye.