Disclosure Day - Spielberg Should Stop Making Films

[00:00:00]Hollywood names don't come much more iconic and instantly recognizable than Steven Spielberg. The guy who basically invented the concept of the modern blockbuster whose filmography reads like a whistle stop tour of everything that cinema can and should be. Who instantly evokes feelings of wonder and magic and boundless possibilities. Damn, man. I practically grew up on Steven Spielberg movies. From Jaws to Indiana Jones, ET to The Goonies, Jurassic Park to Saving Private Ryan. But for all things, there is a season. And no matter how high you rise up, eventually time and tide are going to bring you down. Which brings me neatly along to Disclosure Day. A movie that seems to have garnered about as much hype and anticipation as the [ __ ] Mandalorian movie released into an apathetic marketplace that's still dominated by a pair of low-budget horror movies made by YouTubers. And honestly, now that I've experienced it for myself, I can see why nobody's excited for this tedious, meandering, unfocused, pretentious piece of [ __ ] that feels like a holdover from a different generation. Completely disconnected from the zeitgeist of today and convinced that it's somehow way deeper and more profound than it actually is. Disclosure Day is basically the running man, and I mean the crappy Edgar Wright version, but presented in market aid like it's 2001, a space odyssey. Anyway, let's get the plot summary over with quick so I can drown my sorrows in something appropriate like toilet duck.

[00:01:31]So, the movie opens with our main man, Daniel, who's some [ __ ] dork working for a super secret government agency that manages recovered alien technology dating all the way back to the Roswell incident in the 1940s. Anyway, he steals an alien space dildo along with a bunch of files and records that could blow the whole operation wide open if they ever got released to the public and goes on the run with his girlfriend who's a former nun. Yeah, sure. Okay. Wait, I just realized something. This movie is literally nuns on the run.

[00:02:01]OH, COME ON. ANYWAY, WHILE THIS IS GOING ON, weather girl Emily Blunt has a close encounter with a bird in her living room and then immediately starts speaking an alien language live on air. Hm. Clearly something's up with this girl. So, the story basically revolves around these two complete strangers who share a unique bond who find themselves drawn to each other for unknown reasons while Colin FTH uses another one of the alien space dildos to psychically track their movements so he can capture them. Oh yeah, the space dildos allow you to tap into other people's brains so you can see what they see and even force them to act against their will. Something that Nun Lady becomes aware of pretty quickly when he does it to her. But instead of realizing that she's a walking liability and cutting her loose, Daniel just goes, "Nah, it'll be fine." And then acts surprised when Black Ops teams in SUVs keep crashing his party.

[00:02:53]Not that it matters much, though, because their level of competence makes the Russian army look like the Adeptus Aartis. And even a computer nerd like Daniel, who's never done anything more strenuous than climb a flight of stairs in his entire life, is easily able to give them the slip. Why? [ __ ] you.

[00:03:09]That's why. Anyway, so eventually the two of them hook up and travel to a local TV station in Kansas to broadcast all the secret government information.

[00:03:17]But then Colin FTH shows up and shuts the whole thing down just as they're about to go live. But that's okay because Emily Blunt uses the alien space dildo to power everything back up again because I guess computers and satellite uplinks can run on hopes and dreams or something. Then Colin FTH just kind of goes, "Well, I'm all out of ideas." and has a nice sit down while she releases everything to the entire world.

[00:03:41]Do you know what else could stop her, Colin? A [ __ ] bullets. I mean, it's kind of tough to leak highly classified and potentially devastating government information when you're breathing through your [ __ ] forehead. Anyway, then Emily Blunt's friends wheel a geriatric alien into the studio. And no, I'm not kidding when I say this. Where did it come from? How did they manage to get it past security? Don't know. Then it whispers something in her ear and the movie ends before we even find out what it says. And that's it. That's the plot for Disappointment Day.

[00:04:11]>> I hate this. It is revolting.

[00:04:13]>> Honestly, what a pointless waste of time and money this movie was. I mean, the way Spielberg's been hyping this [ __ ] up, you'd think it was about to reshape the future of Western civilization or something, like it was going to be his magnum opus, the epic culmination of a career spanning more than half a century. When you get right down to it though, it's nothing more than an uninspired by the numbers chase movie about two people we don't particularly like or care about, pursuing a vague objective that isn't particularly interesting, hunted by an enemy that's not particularly competent, powerful, or clearly defined. The revelations and twists are mostly non-existent.

[00:04:49]Nothing's revealed in this movie that you either don't already know or would have guessed about 30 minutes before it happens. Even the villain's flat and dull, like he's just going through the motions with no clear sense of identity or purpose. Colin FTH's character isn't complex and nuanced enough to be interesting or just plain evil enough to be genuinely threatening. And for a Black Ops government agency out to protect their secrets at all costs, they never once do something crazy like kill anyone, even when it would absolutely be in their interest to do so. This is the kind of story that's been done a hundred times before, usually far better, and often by Spielberg himself. Close Encounters was infinitely better at building up the wonder and mystery of an alien force acting on humanity for decades, all building up to that epic first contact scene. ET better captured the human drama and universality of friendship, loyalty, and loss, all wrapped up around a likable group of children that transcends culture and even species. [ __ ] man. Even War of the Worlds delivered a better story about massive world changing events that would reshape humanity. Disclosure Day builds itself as a movie of big ideas, but ultimately it feels small both intellectually and creatively. And worst of all, it's a movie that feels weirdly dated and irrelevant now despite a few clunky references to AI and current-day conflict zones. Obsession has dominated the box office partly because it tapped into a lot of current-day anxieties about modern dating, relationships, isolation, and unrealistic expectations.

[00:06:18]It hit a cultural nail right on the head, which is why it created such an insane grassroots movement supporting it. Disclosure Day, on the other hand, feels like it's trying to grapple with the angst and fascinations of 30 years ago when shows like the X-Files were all the rage. Nowadays, I feel like if they actually came out and admitted that aliens exist, most people are so wrapped up in their own problems and petty squables that they wouldn't even give a [ __ ] And that's exactly the way I felt when I shut down my computer. Sorry, I mean walked out of the movie theater. I just didn't give a [ __ ] about what I'd seen. It did absolutely nothing for me.

[00:06:52]It was a 2 and 1/ half hour snorefest and sad proof that Steven Spielberg's best days as a filmmaker are long behind him. As I said at the start of this review, for all things there is a season, dear viewer, a time to keep and a time to cast away. And as much as it pains me to say it, I think Steven Spielberg's time is up.

[00:07:12]Anyway, that's all I've got for today.

[00:07:16]Go away now.