Emily Ratajkowski's S*x Life | A Literary Review

[00:00:00]Emily Ratajkowski, also sometimes known as Emrata, her Instagram handle, is an American model, actress, and author. And I would also go so far as to call her a sex symbol. When she was 21, she appeared completely nude in a photo shoot for Treats magazine, which led her to be cast in the Blurred Lines Robin Thicke music video. Robin Thicke also released an uncensored version of the video in which Ratajkowski appears completely topless. And in general, the roles and shoots that she does are quite provocative. She's very comfortable appearing nude. But along with being a sex symbol, Ratajkowski is unique in the fact that she has also gained a reputation as an outspoken feminist. She has said that she likes to be empowered in her sexuality while also being a defender of women's rights. She doesn't see those two things as mutually exclusive. She has published one book and essays in which she exposes men in Hollywood or in the music industry for groping her, specifically Robin Thicke on that music video, people who assaulted her, and also people who sold and distributed her images without her consent. When Emily was 26 in 2018, she married Sebastian Bear-McClard, an actor and producer 11 years her senior, after only two weeks of dating. When she was 29 in 2020, the pair had a son together, but not long after, according to Emily, she and Sebastian stopped having sex.

[00:01:17]The couple separated within a year of her son's birth. In the midst of this divorce, multiple women came forward with sexual assault and workplace harassment allegations against Sebastian Bear-McClard. One of his accusers was only 17 and living in poverty when he lured her to a movie set with promises of acting opportunities and the chance to meet Robert Pattinson, and then he instead coerced her to appear naked in a room full of men, including the Safdie brothers, where she was harassed by the other actor in the scene. Messages were revealed of him reaching out to teenagers as young as 15 years old. And it also came out, according to some sources, that while he was married to Ratajkowski, he was a serial cheater.

[00:01:57]This stung particularly deep in Ratajkowski's case because she herself was in multiple coercive and vulnerable situations when she was in her early 20s and late teens as she has described in many of her personal essays. Then in June 2026, Emily published an essay in The Cut called Mother Sex as a Single Mom. And it is a personal essay about the period of her life directly following her divorce.

[00:02:20]Specifically, it's about her escapades that she rationalizes in the beginning of the essay by saying that sleeping with many men was her way of empowering herself and feeling desired again after a bitter divorce. The hero image portrays Ratajkowski with no shirt on holding a baby doll to her breast with one hand and a martini in the other hand. I saw the responses to this essay before I saw the essay itself.

[00:02:41]Conservative women podcasters in particular called this essay disgusting and a danger to young women. Candace Owens said the following, >> She is basically writing this article trying to make it seem like it's empowering to explain how she then intentionally and mindfully and in her own words became a >> Megan Kelly said, So she talks now about how she um she's now become a Really? Is that that's what she's decided to do to as a soothing balm, I guess? And talks about how she never had had a one-night stand prior to her separation, but now she wants to be a >> And Megan Kelly also added, quote, I guess we're supposed to celebrate this as an example of female empowerment, close quote. Based on the backlash, I assumed that this was going to be a sex-positive essay about Emily Ratajkowski's experience reclaiming her sexuality post-divorce. Instead, what I found was a deeply sad personal essay about how Ratajkowski used unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with feelings of worthlessness after the dissolution of her relationship. And I realized while reading that these conservative commentators did not read the essay and if they did, they read it wrong or didn't make it to the end because it's an essay with a character arc. Radhika realizes at the end of this essay the error of her ways and she unfortunately learned the hard way that sidelining your own pleasure and preferences and voice in order to get the rush that comes with being desired sexually can provide a momentary confidence boost, but it carries the risk of some very scary instances of boundary violation and sometimes even physical harm. So, add this essay to the list of public outrage from people who confuse depicting something with endorsing something. I'll summarize the essay so you can see exactly what I'm talking about. I'm going to be defending her from some very, very silly criticism, but I also have some criticism as well because I'm picky. Okay, update. I just found out yesterday that on the basis of this essay, she got a seven-figure book deal and that is crazy. Like the essay was not that good. We also discussed this article on my Patreon before I made this video. You can join my Patreon as well. It's $3 a month and you can follow the link in the description to join. The essay goes back and forth with general commentary about her sex life post-divorce and the story of a specific date with a guy she calls Elder Millennial. At first, she comes across as if she wants to belittle and mock Elder Millennial in a way that I found off-putting before I got to the end of the essay. She explains that her goal with him is to have sex and not in order to experience pleasure or release, but simply because she wants the attention.

[00:05:17]It's not that she is experiencing desire, it's that she's craving a man's desire as a reminder that she is a sexual being and not just the mother of a toddler. Radhika admits that she had a pretty brutal and painful birth experience and then she shares, quote, "It was a violent transition into a new reality of screaming baby on my aching tit and ring on my swollen finger and then in a time period that felt both instant and excruciatingly slow, my marriage collapsed. Six months after my son was born, my husband and I stopped having Less than a year later, we separated.

[00:05:52]Close quote. Her perception is that after the divorce, people looked at her and treated her like an unwanted, pitiful, pathetic reject. Those actually are all words that she used to describe how she imagined other people saw her at this time.

[00:06:08]>> At this point in the essay, I was starting to wonder if Emily Ratajkowski could be struggling with postpartum depression. But any kind of mental health disorder can be really hard to diagnose. And sometimes getting a diagnosis is so hard because simply getting a doctor's appointment can be really hard. I know that for me scheduling doctor's appointments can always end up at the bottom of my to-do list, and I push it off for weeks and weeks and weeks until I decide to just not do it if it isn't urgent. Part of it is just that I don't want to make a million calls, sit on hold, wait, and finally get in touch with somebody only to find out that there are no appointments available, or the ones that are available don't take my insurance.

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[00:08:17]She shares that she never wanted to be a single mother and she actually took actions throughout her life to do what she saw as protecting her sexuality. She kept her body count in the single digits. She never had a one-night stand and she saw these actions as insurance.

[00:08:31]She figured if men don't see me as a [ __ ] then they will treat me better. I won't get cheated on. I won't be abandoned. But now, after her divorce and now having learned that you can, in fact, be mistreated by your partners even if you've never had a one-night stand, she has gone the opposite direction. Leaning into her sexuality and having a phase, for lack of a better term. She seems to associate female sexuality with power and evil. She writes, quote, "The character I'd learned to embody after my divorce and my period of compulsively dating was a villain. Poison Ivy, Catwoman, sexual but scary. And she drank gin martinis, many, many gin martinis. She was not tragic, nothing close to a victim. No one needed to feel sorry for her. In fact, they should all be jealous." Close quote. On the date with Elder Millennial, he gets a little tipsy and he starts to compliment Emily and she realizes that he thinks that she is out of his league, which she likes. She enjoys the power and security that she feels from knowing that he is more into her than the other way around. The way that she framed this as if she were like an evil supervillain made me think that she would do something villainous, which I was excited for. Like I thought she was going to like steal his PlayStation or something.

[00:09:42]>> I'm like, I'm leaving here with something.

[00:09:45]>> [laughter] >> But no, she seems to just associate being a sexual woman with some form of like intense moral evil. We then get to what I would call the thematic statement of the essay, quote, I decided to [ __ ] my way into a new kind of woman. I wanted to destroy the Madonna, the special girl I'd worked so hard to be before an 8-lb baby had torn my vagina in two and replace her with the horror.

[00:10:08]Close quote. Ratajkowski describes various dates that she had with men after her separation. And they're well, they're not they're not all winners, all right? I'll just say that. There's a chef who thought he might have chlamydia. There's a Spanish Gen Z'er who can't stop sending her nudes.

[00:10:23]There's a heavily medicated son of a billionaire. There's a guy who talks about incest and tells a story about his mom and sister discovering him jerking off to brother and sister.

[00:10:32]Great first date story. That's really charming.

[00:10:36]>> [music] >> Brother uh >> She says that the same guy asked the Uber driver in the car to turn up a Bad Bunny song even though he didn't really know the lyrics and he was like enthusiastically bopping his head along and trying to sing along to it. And I'm like, Emily, why are you in a car with a guy trying to sing along to Bad Bunny when you could be in the car with Benito Antonio Martínez Ocasio himself in the flesh. Although I guess her and Kendall are friends, so maybe Kendall would be mad if she dated Benito. Even though he literally only dated Kendall to make me jealous. Like he's so annoying. She doesn't mention this in the article, but we also know from paparazzi photos at this time that she was getting a taste of a lot of her celebrity crushes as well. She was seen kissing Harry Styles in Tokyo. She was rumored to be dating Pete Davidson and Brad Pitt on different occasions. She was spotted making out with the French actor Stephane Bak. Eric Andre famously posted a nude of him and Emily on Instagram, although there were rumors that she had broken up with him before he posted that. She's now in a relationship with Romain Gavras, a French film director who is Dua Lipa's ex. So, from the outside, it looks like she was having her fun, but that is not the way she describes it in this essay.

[00:11:40]She seems almost disgusted by and resentful of the men who she sleeps with, and I'm actually starting to wonder how much of this article was to make her son's father jealous. I'll talk about that a little bit more when we discuss the article. Ratajkowski in the writing goes back to the date with elder millennial and shares that he is really into dirty talk. He actually can't finish if he doesn't verbally demean her in some way. But, he's not super articulate. He sort of stumbles over his words, so she doesn't find it demeaning.

[00:12:08]She actually just finds it kind of silly and stupid, so she just like goes along with it. She says that she learns in these first few months of dating post-separation that men are turned on by motherhood. She was afraid that men would look at her as if she had been used up and discarded until casually at a party she says that a friend told her, "Men don't care, by the way, like about the you having a kid thing."

[00:12:30]And she finds immense comfort in this.

[00:12:33]The woman who told her that, by the way, was, quote, "a sister to several famous single moms." I read that I was like, "Okay, so Kendall Jenner." Like, you could have just said that. That means that these are the women having this conversation about whether or not men care that you have a kid. Like, these women could eat people and they would still find men who are like, "I think I can fix her." But, Emily still, she worries that she's unlovable.

[00:12:58]The way that she looks and the money and the connections that she has, they haven't made her immune to how much divorce sucks. And she's going on these dates and she's meeting these people.

[00:13:06]She is going through this time of very intense insecurity and pain. She talks about balancing her parental duties with her habits of sleeping around. She says that she never misses bedtime. She essentially never sleeps over someone's house. She gets off on the idea that she is this unaccessible distant prize instead of a needy, in love, good girl, which made me wonder if she spent a lot of her marriage begging a shitty person to not be a shitty person. Elder millennial starts telling her that he loves her and she writes that she doesn't even like him, but it's nice to feel desired. She tells him once in bed that she is okay with continuing to hook up, but she doesn't want to be exclusive. This makes him very uncomfortable and he says, "But you seeing other people, that could embarrass me." She goes to meet with a divorce attorney who gives her a speech about how she is brave because she left her shitty husband and it seems like she really needed to hear that in that moment. He told her, "You should be proud of yourself. Most women don't leave." And she writes, quote, "I left his office that day with an unexpected gift, a new kind of understanding myself. Leaving my marriage wasn't about seeking anyone's attention or approval.

[00:14:10]It was the opposite, a hard choice that came with a lot of pain and at a great cost. Becoming a single mother changed the way people looked at me, exactly as I'd feared it would, but it also allowed me to finally see myself.

[00:14:25]I wasn't left. I left. I knew then that being able to leave, to say no, was the only real superpower I'd gained through divorce. I was brave.

[00:14:37]Really, actually brave." Close quote.

[00:14:40]So, she has this epiphany and as I said, this is an essay with like a very clear character arc. She goes from worrying about what people would think of her for being a single mom to recognizing that despite that judgment, she was able to make a decision for herself and escape a terrible marriage to a sexual predator.

[00:14:57]So, she's going through this time of intense self-growth post-divorce experience and it starts to affect other parts of her life, too. So, she decides to tell Elder millennial that she doesn't really like the dirty talk in a moment of standing up for her own pleasure and her own preferences. And when she tells him, Elder millennial quickly replies, "Oh, of course, it's only fun if it's fun for both of us. Why didn't you tell me earlier?" And this response, again, leaves Emily feeling validated and confident. She writes, quote, "It occurred to me then that despite my performance as the supervillain, a character I believed made me impenetrable, I was just as misguided and vulnerable as I'd been in my 20s when I was playing the good girl.

[00:15:34]I'd never been connected to my own desires. It was all ridiculous, a silly game of performance with no substance."

[00:15:42]Close quote. Are you starting to see why I find the characterization of this article as a pro casual sex essay to be a glaring misreading? So, after Emily tells Elder Millennial that she doesn't like the dirty talk, she also realizes during this conversation that she is going to leave him. It wasn't just that she didn't like the dirty talk, she just doesn't really like him. But, she also decides to sleep with him one more time because she still enjoys the power trip.

[00:16:06]And as they're having sex that last time, he pulls back and slaps her across the face hard. And then he leans in and hisses, "I didn't ask for your feedback, bitch."

[00:16:18]The essay ends with her trying not to cry as she waits for him to come. Okay, let's take a deep breath and discuss.

[00:16:26]I'm going to read a few quotes from the essay and you can let me know if you notice anything that they have in common. One, "I hated the condescending way people looked at me in the wake of my breakup.

[00:16:37]Their furrowed brows, the pity in their faces as they delivered an I'm so sorry, Emily. I couldn't stand my pathetic reflection in their eyes. Two, no one needed to feel sorry for me. In fact, they should all be jealous. Three, I knew that boys didn't treat girls they thought of as [ __ ] tenderly. Boys didn't fall in love with, want forever with, raise babies with, or take care of [ __ ] Four, and this is from when Emily told Elder Millennial that she didn't want to be exclusive. He said, "But you seeing other people, that could embarrass me." What I notice in these quotes is an enormous preoccupation from the author and from the people around her in sort of like the upper echelons of the celebrity life with how they are perceived by other people. And yet, no exploration of what our author wants and what she desires. She says she got the message growing up that her value as a woman was contingent upon her ability to withhold sex. So, at first, she tried to be a good girl. And after her divorce, she tried to be a But, both of these behaviors were solely in response to what other people, particularly men, expected and wanted from her. If you respond in the opposite way than you previously did to an initial stimulus, then you are still acting in function of that original stimulus. I'll give you an example. If a child has an extremely strict father and when he's young, he tries to live up to that father's expectations and be constantly perfect. And then when he becomes a teenager, he rebels with sex, drugs, and rock and roll.

[00:18:04]He is still responding to the father's initial commands and expectations.

[00:18:09]What's missing in both of these scenarios are his own individual desires, himself as the subject. Not what his dad wants or doesn't want, but what he wants. You aren't truly free from unfair authoritarianism and judgment in society, in a household, in your mind until it doesn't factor into your decisions at all. And that's literally what this essay was about.

[00:18:31]This essay is a great example of the fact that people are going to judge and criticize you. People will not read your essay, they'll see a headline, they'll see the way you look, they'll see your last name, whatever. And they will get it behind a microphone and call you a [ __ ] for it. You could never send a naked photo of yourself for your entire life, and then someone could generate one with AI and distribute it to humiliate you, and they'll call you a [ __ ] You could deprive yourself of pleasure, deprive yourself of music and dance and relaxation and fun and freedom and never let your guard down, and you could still get victimized and blamed for it. Megyn Kelly herself, who is criticizing this essay, has been extensively criticized for showing too much leg, dressing too sexy for TV, and using her appearance to advance her career. And it gets so extreme sometimes. Just in Candace Owens' video about this essay, I cracked up because she's talking about how disgusting and graphic this essay is.

[00:19:29]>> I mean, it is very graphic talking about all of the men that she has slept with and how she intentionally puts her body out in front of the world, even describing, and I'm going to show you this moment, how she dresses to go pick up her 5-year-old son from school pickup. One of her friends then says to her, "Sometimes you're like a 40-year-old divorcée and other times you're like a 22-year-old slut." My friend said after watching me in shorts and lip liner navigate the the clickish politics of school drop-off. So, she's intentionally dressing under-dressing to pick up a 5-year-old child because she wants to punish men by having them look at her in short shorts and I don't know, lip gloss and lip liner.

[00:20:15]She When I tell you this this article is it's so disturbing to me that anybody could read this and think that she is doing anything other than ruining her life.

[00:20:23]>> Lip liner and shorts for school drop-off? Oh my god, somebody save those children. So, empowerment doesn't come from doing what patriarchy tells you to do or doing the opposite of what patriarchy tells you to do. It only comes from doing what you want to do.

[00:20:40]And when other people inevitably criticize you for it, then the critique doesn't affect you in the same way because you were never doing it for their approval anyway. But, the truth is that it's hard to figure out what you want as an individual without trying different things. And sometimes that means exploiting your sexuality and even trying out different identities and seeing how they feel, which is why it's important to remove sexual experiences that you have or don't have from your value as a human being. When we discussed this article on my Patreon, someone left a comment that I found honestly like comforting. I'll read you a portion. This article isn't dangerous or degrading, but I think it opens a larger conversation of what women, particularly mothers, are allowed to do.

[00:21:21]Everyone is diagnosing Emrata, but she very clearly states that she realized she didn't even like what she was doing.

[00:21:27]Why are we trying to tell her that she shouldn't like it? I just hate this idea that women are only allowed to have sex and feel empowered when it's in a room full of candles with a cute guy who kisses her gently and calls her beautiful like in a '90s movie. The reality is that sex is strange and icky and dirty and sometimes not even pleasurable. And it takes trial and error to figure out what you want, especially as you enter different life stages. It could be anti-feminist of me, but sleeping with weird, annoying, ugly men is totally normal, albeit not ideal, and a learning process. Even if the thing you learn is that it isn't right for you. This is not a WikiHow article.

[00:22:05]It is a personal essay. And I think a lot of people would actually relate to the journey of attempting to feel empowered by the things we have been told to feel empowered by, attention from men, and consequently getting a wake-up call that makes you reflect. I thought that was a good comment and the responses to this I've been disappointed by how little empathy people are demonstrating in their responses to this article. This is a woman who was in a sexless marriage that fell apart with public humiliation. Also, when I read it, it sounded very likely to me that she was suffering from postpartum depression. She wants to feel desired and validated by men because she is questioning her value and desirability.

[00:22:40]She used unhealthy coping mechanisms like drinking, like pleasureless sex, and then she realized she was going down a path that didn't feel good for her, so she changed direction. Sounds like a pretty standard personal essay to me.

[00:22:52]Here's another comment from that Patreon discussion. Did Megan Kelly and Candace Owens read the last five paragraphs of this article? I see a woman going through the hardest thing she's ever experienced. We all process grief and loss differently. You can't immediately find balance when your world has been upended. Some people drink, some take prescriptions, some throw themselves into work or parenthood, some people sleep around. No one just carries on as if nothing happened. She's letting us glimpse a very traumatic time in her life. I don't feel she's trying to sell this story as a guide on how to be a single parent. The article ends with her welling up with tears. To me, it feels like we're in the throes of addiction with her and there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Now, do I think this article is flawless? No.

[00:23:38]I thought it was fine. I don't think that it was horrifying, but I also don't think that it would have say Emily Ratajkowski.

[00:23:46]So, here are some of my critiques. One, I do and I'm sorry think that the picture is inappropriate. Not because she has her tits out. In fact, I let them breathe. I'm just personally a little bit extreme when it comes to involving children in any way in a famous person's public image, especially in a sexy photo shoot. I know now that the baby doll is not her son, but I don't follow her life. I don't know how old her son is. So, when I first saw the picture, I thought that it was her son and I'm probably not alone and her son just can't consent to that level of public scrutiny yet. He doesn't understand it. He's pretty present on her social media as well, being used to sell Chanel, doing interviews. I know his full name just from looking at her profile and he's only five and he's not a prop, he's a person. Maybe he grows up to be extremely private and maybe it will make him deeply uncomfortable that his identity in concept was invoked in this image to sell this essay. And maybe he grows up to love the photo and be like, "Fuck all of you, my mom is gorgeous and I think the picture is funny and provocative and a conversation starter and it got a lot lot people to read the essay." But we just don't know yet, because he cannot conceptualize social media fame. He's a child. And, I see any involvement of children on major social media platforms as a violation of their personal autonomy. Let me know if you guys agree. I think the fact that there's like a breastfeeding element was something that was also criticized like is she like sexualizing breastfeeding?

[00:25:13]I'm open to hearing other takes on this.

[00:25:15]But, like I said, me personally, I'm pretty particular when it comes to this specific topic. So, that was my first thought. Number two, I did find myself wondering multiple times how much of this both the dating many people after the breakup and also writing about it was to get back at Elder Millennial and also to get back at her baby's father, like to make him jealous. She made a point in the essay to say that she had only been separated a week when she was already dating again. There are paparazzi photos of her with these famously handsome men where she like looks right at the camera and starts making out with the guy immediately. She has admitted in the past that she stages paparazzi photos before. And, I wonder how many of those paparazzi tips were her, somebody on her team who called them in, or if they just happened to be paps hiding precisely where she was on her dates in London and Paris and New York and Milan and elsewhere.

[00:26:01]And, I think that's cool, honestly.

[00:26:04]There are worse ways to get back at your ex than French kissing Harry Styles in Tokyo. But, sometimes in the article I wondered, is this for me? Is this for us readers? Or, is this a subtweet? And, number three, this is probably my biggest one. The prose often struck me as immature in parts. I am specifically noticing how her insecurity is holding her back from her ability to write an accurate worldview. For example, assuming that everyone else in the world is looking at you with pity. Everyone is secretly judging you. It strikes me as the spotlight effect. A good writer can conceptualize the fact that other people have these rich inner lives that sometimes have nothing to do with you and are not just staring at the main character POV and thinking about them all the time. And, a really good writer can get across each character's individuality and complexity even if that character appears in just one sentence. Even though it sounds counterintuitive, it is so much more compelling in writing to hear about judgment from one specific person with skin in the game than it is to hear, "Everyone hates me. Everyone is judging me." Instead, show me. Tell me about an interaction with a stern mother-in-law who you knew never really liked you.

[00:27:13]Tell me about a comment from a preppy Upper East Side friend with a thick headband. That way, I'm there with you discovering that you're being judged for being a single mom instead of just having to take your word that everyone in the world is thinking about you and judging you, which I just don't buy. And she does this with a few things. The way she talks about people's generations a lot, like he was a millennial, so he liked lame bars, while the other guy was Gen Z, so he liked nudes. Stereotyping is a very, very lazy way to character develop. She also talks about men as a monolith, like either all men think that single moms are used up and pathetic or all men love single moms because they want mommy. Comments like that read like a dating advice column in a rag mag that I would secretly study in 2007. There are lots of men in the world. I've heard they all like different things. But a personal essay like this is more about your emotions and your experience in the moment, so I see this as less of a writing mistake and more of a depiction of her insecurity at this time and how it colored her worldview. Overall, to be honest, I will be reading her next essay. I think that she's an interesting person who doesn't necessarily have something new to say, but because her life experiences are so unique, it's intriguing to read about her perspective. I know that she uses her sexiness to sell art, but I think that's completely fair game. We see artists use sex to sell all the time, but women are usually the ones judged more harshly for it. I didn't see anyone saying, "Yeah, Bad Bunny's music seems good, but I just can't take him seriously, you know? He was too sexy in that Calvin Klein photo shoot." The important thing is that she is the one with the financial control and benefit and distribution rights over the photos of her body because that's been a problem before that people sell and profit off her likeness without her permission or otherwise feel entitled to her body in some cases leading to sexual assault. And I think that it's cool as [ __ ] that along with being a model, she also writes and uses these essays to call people out by name. Like she literally wrote an essay where she was like, "Fashion photographer Jonathan Leder sexually assaulted me during an unpaid 2012 photo shoot at his Catskills home." Like yes, good. Make rapists afraid again.

[00:29:20]>> Yes, queen.

[00:29:21]>> And for the conservative podcasters, next time you want to publicly critique an essay, maybe read it. The standard is in hell.

[00:29:28]Speaking of public outrage over writing that no one who is outraged actually read, I'll be reviewing The Odyssey in my next video. It's very good for a debut. I hope this Homer fellow keeps writing. And that's all for me. Bye.