What Happens When German Precision Meets American Thinking?

Added: 2026-05-27

[00:00:00]Now, we Germans are fascinated by our stupid rules, aren't we?

[00:00:04]In our train stations, innocent smokers are forced to stand in small yellow squares painted on the floor in order to keep the non-smokers away from the poison.

[00:00:17]That's about as intelligent as dividing a swimming pool into a peeing and a non-peeing section.

[00:00:22]>> [laughter] [applause] >> Now, I I really love America because you're such a proud nation. Yeah?

[00:00:33]In the US, you can keep a suicidal person off from jumping just by telling him, "Sir, you can be proud to be American."

[00:00:42]If you did this to a German, he would jump before you can finish the sentence.

[00:00:48]I really love America, the American [clears throat] way, always asking, "How are you?"

[00:00:53]I mean, they don't care, but they do ask.

[00:00:57]And the answer's always, "Thank you. I'm fine. I'm great."

[00:01:02]In Germany, a "How are you?" is not a common greeting phrase. It's a specific medical question.

[00:01:10]"How are you?" "Oh, don't get me started.

[00:01:14]I have problems with my left kidney. My back hurts. I have a sore throat. Pretty sure it's cancer."

[00:01:22]A small talk is not our thing in Germany.

[00:01:25]We meet someone from America at a dinner party, and after 5 minutes, we ask him, "What the hell were you thinking when you killed all these Native Americans?"

[00:01:36]That's our idea of a relaxed dinner conversation.

[00:01:41]Now, we always wanted to to get to the bottom of things. And maybe that's the reason why we have so many excellent scientists.

[00:01:49]100 years ago, German physicists figured out that light is something in between a particle and a wave.

[00:01:59]Who gives a [ __ ] Americans say? We just want to light up our rooms.

[00:02:04]Such an approach is way too superficial for us, because we wanted to know exactly what light is.

[00:02:11]Therefore, the German Max Planck developed quantum physics, whereas the American Thomas Edison only invented the light bulb.

[00:02:20]To be fair, without this invention, we would still be sitting around a candle watching Netflix.

[00:02:30]>> [applause] >> German mentality is deeply shaped by the spirit of Goethe's Faust.

[00:02:40]The desire to understand whatever holds the world together in its innermost folds.

[00:02:46]And I felt this desire, too.

[00:02:49]When I was 10, I took my canary in its cage outside during a thunderstorm just to check if Faraday was right.

[00:03:02]And he was.

[00:03:05]The bird wasn't struck by lightning. It died of a heart attack. Anyway.

[00:03:11]An American friend of mine said, "Yeah, I know a lot of our people don't know anything about evolution, and maybe it's because of our bad education system in America. Yours in Germany is much better."

[00:03:23]And I don't think it's true.

[00:03:25]I think we just have a different approach.

[00:03:28]Uh in America, they say we go to school.

[00:03:31]In Germany, we say we go into school.

[00:03:34]So, we Germans enter our school buildings. Americans just hang it out in front of them. And maybe that's And don't get me wrong. Also in Germany, there's a big lack of scientific knowledge.

[00:03:49]45% of all German high school students believe that Voltaire invented the battery.

[00:03:57]I want to spend a year as an umpire in France.

[00:04:03]>> [applause] >> We Germans are afraid of everything.

[00:04:09]Of stem cells, nuclear power, fracking, genetic engineering, you name it.

[00:04:15]If the Germans had ruled the world a million years ago, our health and safety regulations would have discovered the discovery of fire.

[00:04:27]>> [applause] >> We are so full of fear.

[00:04:35]Before we go on holiday, almost every German takes out a Reiseversicherung.

[00:04:41]The most important insurance in Germany, travel cancellation insurance. Almost every German has it.

[00:04:49]Oh.

[00:04:50]We book an adventure trip to the cannibals in South America, but only with a Reiseversicherung. [laughter] Otherwise, it would be way too risky.

[00:05:02]One of the first three words German babies learn, Mom, Dad, Reiseversicherung.

[00:05:11]Of course not. Mom and Dad come way later.

[00:05:15]And the fourth word is Fahrvergnügen.

[00:05:19]Joy of driving.

[00:05:21]And this is very interesting, I think.

[00:05:25]Driving our cars is probably the only activity we Germans enjoy danger.

[00:05:31]When an American has a death wish, he strangles a bull's testicles, sits on its back, and tries to ride it for as long as possible.

[00:05:40]We Germans invented the Autobahn instead.

[00:05:44]Cars are our holy cows.

[00:05:47]Because it's our constitutional right to go on a family trip in a Volkswagen with a speed of a cruise missile.

[00:05:57]Okay. It's a little bit of a cliche, I know. Not every German is into cars.

[00:06:03]Um last year I flew into New York at and at the border control, the officer asked me, "So, you are German. What's your favorite car?"

[00:06:14]And I said, "Sorry, officer. I don't care much for cars."

[00:06:18]And all of a sudden he looked at me very suspiciously.

[00:06:23]"You don't have a favorite car, so you can't be German."

[00:06:26]"Sorry, sir. Not every German is Put your hands where I can see them."

[00:06:33]Actually, it was a very relaxed routine check.

[00:06:37]About 5 hours and uh Forget what you heard about waterboarding. It's actually not that bad.

[00:06:45]"It's a Porsche. It's a Porsche." "What model?" "911."

[00:06:53]>> [applause]