Why Toxic Groups Fall Apart When The Scapegoat Leaves…

[00:00:00]I'm a cute little cutie.

[00:00:02]I'm so hungry.

[00:00:06]You know one thing I really hate is the new age of goth women. It's like they're e-girls, but they're like e-goths.

[00:00:14]You know, cuz there was like the boom of the e-girls in like 20 What year was that?

[00:00:20]Like 2015, 2016, there was like a bunch of e-girls that just showed up out of nowhere. Yeah, that's been happening with like goth women, except it's like the very like off-brand like very bad poorly done makeup like I'm stupid and I'm utterly ditzy like archetype.

[00:00:43]I don't even know where those came from.

[00:00:45]Oh Oh, yeah, they're like only fans goths.

[00:00:49]So, they're They're kind of solely there for the sexual aspect of gothness, which is kind of freaky if you if you think about it.

[00:01:00]Like I No, it's just not good.

[00:01:04]It also gives a bad idea to kids cuz then they'll see someone dressed like me and they'll just think of it in like a really like gross way. And it's like I'm not dressed like this in a gross way.

[00:01:18]But whatever. Doesn't even matter.

[00:01:21]Hello, hello guys. Welcome back to my channel. My name is Mochi. And if you're new around here, we love to do philosophical discussions and anything interesting. And in today's video, I'm going to be talking about scapegoating again.

[00:01:35]But this time I'm going to be telling you about why every toxic group falls apart when the scapegoat leaves. So, I've been scapegoated many times in my life and I've talked about it before.

[00:01:47]Most of the times when I join a group, I am the person that is immediately chosen or has in the past the past that has been immediately chosen to be the person that everyone will kind of make jokes about and make fun of and basically exert their negative energy towards.

[00:02:11]And I don't enjoy it, but I've learned to accept it. I've learned to accept it as a part of who I am and to work with it as opposed to rejecting that part of myself.

[00:02:21]So, I actually wanted to also give an example of cat's eye because I watched recently I watched the documentary the What's it called?

[00:02:34]I know the name, I swear. But I did watch the documentary and I noticed some patterns that were similar to what I went through.

[00:02:42]And a a second example I'm going to give is actually Dance Moms, which is crazy.

[00:02:47]But I watched a couple episodes and I noticed the same pattern again.

[00:02:53]When a toxic group is being created, there's always somebody that they will anchor negative energy towards. And usually this person is going to be the topic of discussion, it's going to be the topic of complaints, and basically the focus. So, somebody in the group is failing at something or looking bad or, you know, not impressing, they kind of focus towards the scapegoat to take away attention from them. I'm bad, but at least I'm not like Jimmy.

[00:03:20]Jimmy is a scapegoat, okay? And why a scapegoat is relevant to a toxic group.

[00:03:26]A scapegoat is relevant to a toxic group because toxic groups usually have no basis or no form of connection besides toxicity.

[00:03:35]So, they have no foundational bond. Or at least if they do have a foundational bond, it's not that deep.

[00:03:42]With all the toxic groups I was around and connected with, the common thing they had was always the scapegoat.

[00:03:51]That's what they the the biggest thing they had in common. Sometimes you can look at people on the surface and think there is something in common, but there's not, you know?

[00:04:01]Um with a lot of the groups I was in, there was a lot of codependency. So initially a bond would be created and initially friendships would happen or you'd like this person and like that person. Um but shortly after you'd realize there was like nothing in common, like barely anything in common.

[00:04:18]You could barely understand each other.

[00:04:19]Uh in most groups that do scapegoat, personalities are very shallow. Well, not shallow, let me not say shallow. Not shallow like not shallow like superficial.

[00:04:32]Shallow like not deep.

[00:04:34]So a lot of people in scapegoating groups or in toxic groups have shallow personalities, meaning they barely have discovered themselves. So maybe they like art, but they don't know what kind of art they like.

[00:04:45]Or they like music, but they don't know what kind of music they like. Or they like rock, but they're not into anything deeper than that. So initially they will bond and connect over those surface-level interests. And when those surface-level interests expire, they have to find a way to keep and maintain the connection and maintain the whole group together because now it's like we don't have anything in common.

[00:05:09]What are we going to talk about? And that's how most of these groups pick somebody, a scapegoat, to exert that energy towards. That's the physical way. I've talked about the spiritual aspects of it because you know, it happens on all realms.

[00:05:24]There is a spiritual aspect of it. I've talked about um humiliation rituals. And I wanted to give an example of Cat's Eye because I did watch the documentary.

[00:05:36]I did watch the documentary and there were a lot of things that I found fascinating, which reminded me of my experience, which also helped me realize I have grown a lot from what happened to me in the past. One of the funny things about scapegoating is when the scapegoat uh performs mistakes or when they mess up, it is a very high-intensity discussion. There is a lot of focus put on it, a lot of intense focus put on it.

[00:06:10]Um and it's because like I said, there's nothing to bond over.

[00:06:14]So, even little mistakes that a scapegoat makes, it means like you have to really focus on it. Toxic groups uh will tend to focus on mistakes very intensely, unnaturally intensely.

[00:06:26]Everybody else in the group can do the exact same thing, maybe drop a spoon.

[00:06:31]Everybody could drop a spoon. The scapegoat drops a spoon, uh and it will be a very high intensity of negative energy.

[00:06:40]Another reason why the group has such a high intensity of I guess antagonization towards the scapegoat is because usually the group envies the scapegoat. Um why this is so, why I say this, is because for from like my example with Cathy, like I said, I watched the documentary and I noticed that uh of course everybody else made mistakes, but when specifically I'm not going to say names anyway, but we all know. But when specifically one member of the group did make a mistake, it was focused on more intensely, like scrutinized, scrutiny happens a lot with the scapegoat. Same with Dance Moms. So, I watched Dance Moms.

[00:07:24]The example I'll give is JoJo Siwa, which is crazy cuz I'm not even a fan of JoJo Siwa, but when she was on Dance Moms, I will admit she was the scapegoat.

[00:07:35]Um and like I said, it's usually because uh the group envies the scapegoat. If you look at both Manon and JoJo Siwa, crazy that I'm putting those two people in a in a sentence. But when you look at both of them, these are people that have natural born talent. Not saying the other girls and everybody else doesn't.

[00:07:57]Yeah, they have charisma. Charisma is a gift. Not everyone has charisma. So that's what both of these people have in common. They have natural charisma.

[00:08:04]So if you notice or as I noticed when I was watching Dance Moms and the documentary. When I was watching both of them, what I noticed is there was a kind of um disdain for both of these people. Um and there was a disdain for them in the sense that whenever they speak, it's kind of like you're the person we're going to ignore.

[00:08:30]Is there another light here?

[00:08:32]What? There's another light that was hiding under there. Sorry.

[00:08:37]For both of these people, um there was a lot of disdain to the point where when they talk or when they're excited, everyone else is kind of like here they go again.

[00:08:48]And because of that is that is very much a sign of envy when people are like that.

[00:08:55]The person [clears throat] who's scapegoated is often someone who's charismatic naturally, but also someone who's very nice, very polite, or very sweet, or very open boundary-wise kind of. So they're not someone who's guarded and like I'm protecting myself. Which is a trait I didn't have, you know, because I was like, "Let's be friends." But on top of the let's be friends, I was charismatic.

[00:09:16]So already they hated me and just had disdain for the fact that I was charismatic. And then I was like, "Yay!"

[00:09:22]like a puppy. So already that irritated people. And that is those that is the common [clears throat] thing uh of scapegoat.

[00:09:32]They irritate the group. And the group doesn't like them. But for some reason, even if they irritate the group, the group will keep them around. The group does not get rid of them. And the group will never say they hate them. And the group will actually say they love this person and they care about this person.

[00:09:48]But, there will be this like unspoken resentment that's going on like underneath.

[00:09:55]A reason groups usually envy the scapegoat is because um they believe the scapegoat has has had it easy.

[00:10:06]I'm finding it hard to talk.

[00:10:08]They usually believe the scapegoat has had it easy.

[00:10:13]Um and because of this, they feel entitled to punish the scapegoat because they feel like they get everything they want whenever they want.

[00:10:22]They don't have to struggle like the rest of us. That is the common feeling that groups have towards a scapegoat. Uh which is not particularly true. Uh but, I understand where it comes from because the charisma usually covers for a lot, right? Like I said, charisma is sometimes something you're born with.

[00:10:43]And it it charisma can be unfair because one person might want a guy and another girl wants a guy. And because one is charismatic, the guy will be like, "Whoa."

[00:10:52]And it can feel unfair because it would be like, "I helped you. I was kind and I was this and I was that. And you're going for the girl who just have charisma?" That is how charisma works.

[00:11:01]So, I see how groups can feel that way. There's this unwritten contract or unwritten consent within the group or an unwritten unspoken rule where everyone says, "This is the person that we're going to exert our frustrations on."

[00:11:19]Now, the thing is, I've titled this video uh scapegoating is is a sign of group disassociation, right?

[00:11:28]Why I titled it that is because most of the times the frustrations that these groups are experiencing are coming from external sources. They're not coming from the scapegoat. But they're laying out their frustrations on the scapegoat because the scapegoat is triggering the frustrations usually coming from something external, usually bigger.

[00:11:48]Most toxic groups operate in narcissistic systems.

[00:11:53]Most toxic groups operate in narcissistic systems. And so there is a frustration because there's a frustration in general based on the system that everybody else is in.

[00:12:04]Um the scapegoat is usually somebody who isn't digesting into the narcissistic system as well as everybody else.

[00:12:14]So usually the the scapegoat is not falling into the rules and following the the agendas, the things that everybody else has to do to survive that narcissistic system, probably because for me, I saw that it was a narcissistic system, that there was nothing to gain. I don't know the reasons for these other girls, but I did see that similarity where they just had personalities that were kind of different, where they were not playing into the rules of the system as hard as everybody else, you know? For other people in the narcissistic system, they're going to feel like, "I have to appease to this person. I have to talk like this. I have to feel like this." So when the scapegoat comes in, i.e. with Cat's Eye, and usually doesn't follow those rules and is still kind of cared for or promoted or benefits regardless of not bending themselves for all those rules, people get angry. The group gets angry, but they lay out their frustrations at that specific person. Not the scapegoat's fault. It's the system that's rigged.

[00:13:19]And so, we're talking about scapegoats leaving. So let me not get sidetracked too long on this.

[00:13:27]Why do the groups always, and I mean always, I've been in a lot a lot of narcissistic groups right like from birth.

[00:13:38]>> [laughter] >> From as young as like like JoJo Siwa even, I was already experiencing that kind of treatment where people ignore me and they don't want to hear what I'm saying and they they where everyone's like uh you.

[00:13:51]I've had that feeling my whole life.

[00:13:54]But why do the groups always fall apart when you leave? When when the scapegoat says this is too toxic for me, I can't go. Uh and the system falls apart and it's because the system was disassociating from their experience through exerting their frustrations on the scapegoat.

[00:14:13]There's this whole system that I hate.

[00:14:15]There's this whole thing going on. It's huge. They feel powerless.

[00:14:20]Toxic groups feel powerless to the narcissistic system because it feels so beyond them because what are you going to do? Tell the people in power that they're wrong and and and destroy it from the head up.

[00:14:32]So most of these people feel powerless.

[00:14:34]They feel powerless to the system.

[00:14:36]And because they feel powerless to the system, they uh focus all their energy on the scapegoat who they feel like is the problem when the scapegoat is just honestly an expression or a reflection of the toxic system. And it's not just extremely charismatic and talented people.

[00:14:56]Sometimes the scapegoat is also the person that is the most mentally ill.

[00:15:00]That's the other occasion that a scapegoat is a scapegoat. Usually it's the one who who gets the worst end of the toxic system. So not the one who benefits and who doesn't care, but the one who is actually traumatized by the system and becomes sick and is expressing it in negative ways. So there are two types of people that was can be scapegoat scapegoated. Cuz I was a scapegoat.

[00:15:26]Obviously, like I said, but it was from my charismatic aspect.

[00:15:30]Uh like I've mentioned, I had a a sister when I was younger who developed schizophrenia.

[00:15:37]She developed schizophrenia because she was a part of the toxic system, but she was expressing it in the opposite way, in the misbehaving, uh mistreating, and becoming psychopathic way.

[00:15:53]That's the other way someone can be scapegoat. Scapegoat leaves, the group completely falls apart. And because the group was disassociated by focusing on the scapegoat. When you focus on the fact that this person's mentally ill or they're an alcoholic or they're this or that, it takes away from the fact that you feel powerless to the system.

[00:16:11]It feel it takes away the fact that they all feel powerless to everything that's happening. You know, and in my childhood, that's kind of what happens.

[00:16:19]There was a powerlessness that everything was so toxic and so bad.

[00:16:25]So, it was easier to focus on the person that was misbehaving.

[00:16:28]Or for my case, on the person that was benefiting and and being doing naughty da.

[00:16:35]Using their charisma to succeed or the one who was brilliant without working.

[00:16:40]So, it was easier to focus on me than it was for people to realize that the whole system that they were in was what was causing them depression or frustration or difficulty. So, they would bond over mutual hatred of me or the mutual hatred of the scapegoat scapegoat, you know.

[00:16:58]Group falls apart when they start to realize that the scapegoat was never really the problem.

[00:17:05]The scapegoat was never really the problem. The scapegoat was a product of their environment and usually the one who showed it the clearest.

[00:17:16]The one who didn't suppress the fact that the system existed. The one who reminded them the system existed, which triggers them because they don't like that the system exists.

[00:17:26]So, the fact that you exist and you're reminding me that the system exists makes me want to punish you.

[00:17:32]But, when that person is gone, it means all they have to do is face the system.

[00:17:35]Is face the fact that they felt powerless. They have to face the fact that the system still exists.

[00:17:41]Um even without that person there.

[00:17:44]That they still have to follow those rules. They still have to do the thing that they thought they hated in order to get that result that they want. They still have to If it's kiss up to people to get a promotion, they still have to do that. Even if the person that they hated, who they thought was taking their job, is gone.

[00:18:02]As well as them realizing that they truly never had anything in common.

[00:18:06]They never had anything in common. And which is why, like I said, I I I've I've moved away from groups. I've chosen to go solo in my life.

[00:18:16]Because I want to connect with people for who I am and who they are. And I've been in many groups like this where you initially connect because you have two, three things that you like, and then you build a toxic dynamic.

[00:18:30]And then you have to find a scapegoat to keep the whole group going.

[00:18:33]Um so, the group will go on as long as a scapegoat's available for mistreatment.

[00:18:38]Um and when the scapegoat's gone, there's nothing left.

[00:18:42]There's nothing left to focus on.

[00:18:46]So, the group has to sit down with themselves and think about life.

[00:18:52]And reflect on the fact that it's a system. It's everything else. It's life, you know? Sometimes it's not even just a system. It's the world. It's the fact that people haven't questioned themselves.

[00:19:02]Um maybe the fact that they don't believe in God, but they feel like something has greater power over their life, you know? That can be overwhelming for someone who doesn't want to think it over.

[00:19:12]I've talked about I talked about psychosis in the mind.

[00:19:16]Um most people don't like to question themselves. They don't like to question what's happening.

[00:19:21]They like to do what's what everybody else is doing. They like to do what everybody else is doing. They don't like to question because the questioning gives them anxiety because it makes them really realize how small they are or how I guess fragile they are because we're human, right?

[00:19:43]And when you have a huge ego, when you haven't processed your shadow, you know, you haven't reflected on anything, you're going to sit there and think to yourself, I'm the biggest thing there.

[00:19:56]You're going to think I'm immortal. I'm invincible. Nothing can take me down.

[00:19:59]That's usually how people think when they have a a big ego, unprocessed ego, because that's a defense mechanism cuz they're not ready to process the fact that they're human, that they're fragile, that their life is limited. They they're not ready to face that. It's too much.

[00:20:17]So, it's easier to focus on someone else.

[00:20:21]It's easier to focus on someone else and to pick apart their flaws and everything they do wrong and to uh destroy them, if I can say. Like I said, that's also why I've chosen to just stay completely away from people until I genuinely feel like this is somebody for me or these are people for me uh where it's like I feel that authentic connection and just happens and it's not forced and it's not that we're both desperate and codependent.

[00:20:53]That's why I'm thinking that way now because I realize a lot of groups connect off of nothing.

[00:20:59]A lot of people become friends up for no reason at all or with barely any interests in common. And because of this, that's why the groups or the friendship instantly becomes toxic. It becomes bad because there's nothing holding it together. There's no foundation.

[00:21:17]But yeah, this has been long enough and I feel like I've explained a lot. I might have missed one or two things cuz I did have a lot of points and I don't like writing things down.

[00:21:26]>> [laughter] >> I might have missed one or two things, but overall overall my point is when you see a toxic group gunning someone down and picking them apart, you should really look into the person that they're picking apart, why they're picking them apart. And sometimes you'll find that it is not off of a good basis.

[00:21:51]It's not off of good reasons that they're picking them apart. And most of the times you will find that these people are frustrated in many other aspects of their lives or they have nothing in common.

[00:22:03]And that's why they're talking so intensely about someone else.

[00:22:08]Yeah, that's my video on how scapegoating is a form of group disassociation.

[00:22:17]And I did talk about disassociation, too.

[00:22:20]And how I disassociated my entire childhood.

[00:22:23]>> [snorts] >> If you want to watch that you can go check it out.

[00:22:28]But it is a form of group disassociation. But the thing with disassociation is eventually you're going to have to face reality.

[00:22:37]Eventually you're going to have to face reality.

[00:22:40]That's my video for today.

[00:22:42]I hope you enjoyed it.

[00:22:44]Uh take care of yourselves, guys, and I'm going to bounce.

[00:22:48]I'm going to bounce.

[00:22:51]Yeah, I don't think I missed anything.

[00:22:54]Yeah, that's all.

[00:22:55]Bye.