Hallelujah

Added: 2026-05-12

[00:00:00]Happy spring everyone.

[00:00:06]Wow, we're already killing this. Um, welcome to the [ __ ] Bible podcast. If you're watching the video once again, please don't. I feel like I have been able to successfully discourage 99% of the [ __ ] Bible listeners from viewing the video because we made it 13 years without video footage. But if you happen to be tuning in today, you might notice the loes are looking a little heavy, and that is because Andrew and I will remain uh married for another year of marriage because I did not receive an air fryer.

[00:00:40]I thought I'd just get the cliffhanger um over with. I got these gorge gorge um welldeserved uh lowhanging lobers um a emerald diamond bezel cut earring that just really brings me back to life. On top of that uh Jackie also received a gorgeous Super Trooper miumu bandana bucket hat for a monocto jaunt in a couple weekends and all was right in the universe. So yesterday was Mother's Day. My mom's dead. So I've really just reframed the day into a celebration of me, you know, and we woke up. Andrew went and got me bagels and locks. I had a beautiful freshsqueezed tangerine juice. And then Clyde, Andrew, and I went to a park, which was not really on my bucket list, but I bleed out for the family. So then we went to a park. Then we went to a local seafood spot and had some oysters, a Bloody Mary. I had the seasonal artichoke, which was absolutely delicious. Like I I'll say it once, I'll say it twice. We don't give artichokes enough credit. We don't give artichokes enough credit. I had an artichoke. I had a shrimp cocktail. I had a little salad.

[00:01:59]Then my family came over in the afternoon for a barbecue, which was adorable. We got Clyde in the pool.

[00:02:05]Listen to this [ __ ] [ __ ] Okay, my grandma Gloria comes over. Check. She's always in like a linen skirt. She had a linen midi skirt with a matching cave tent, her trademark bun, and a seasonal, no, not a seasonal, and a sensible flat with her crossbody Prada nylon bag, which when I have dreams at night and grandma's like really pissing me off. I think about that [ __ ] crossbody nylon bag and I think about all the bags that I bought her in Paris that I had to shle overseas. Okay. Particularly there was she was like, "Jake, I got a question."

[00:02:43]I'm like, "So do I. When are you going to cross the Rainbow Bridge, Jake?" I'm like, "Yeah." She's like, "There's this beautiful bag that I've been wanting to buy." This was years ago. Oh, there's a beautiful purse. Can you go to the store and see if perhaps they would be willing to do a deal? I'm like, "That's not how this works, but I'll go." It was Seline. It was significantly less. Got it at the airport. Whatever. Hold it back. I said, "Grandma, okay, I'm gonna bring it back." She goes, "Make sure you bring the box." I said, "Grandma, I can't bring the box. I'm here for 4 days. I have a carry-on. Like, the box will take up 70% of my suitcase." Jack, can't you just bring it with you on the plane? So I am carrying she if I came home with that purse that was not in a box with the dust bag with the ribbon that she'll save and the bag by the way she'll save a designer shopping bag for 73 years okay because it's a rarity and she then you know what she does when she brings things over to your house if she's having a sleepover whatever she'll take that designer bag from 1984 okay from when she bought a lip gloss at Dior and bring over her kougal in the Dior like it is so diabolical. Okay, so she had me shle this [ __ ] Seline bag. She's worn it once. She's like, I'm saving it. I'm like, hey, um not sure if anyone told you, but you're 4 and 1/2 ft in the grave at this point, so maybe you just start wearing that purse. She's like, I need something easy. So, for the holidays one year, my aunt got her this that nylon um what? Not the relaunch, the re the reition. And that's what it's called.

[00:04:27]She has this nylon Prada crossbody reition with the AirPod with the AirPod case that she puts her backup batteries for her coke clear implant. And that [ __ ] bag, she won't let it leave her side. Okay? And when we bury her, I'm going to put throw that [ __ ] bag in the ground in the dirt with her because I never want to [ __ ] see it again. So she comes over shuffleuffling and she goes, "Chick, I meant to tell you I called you this morning twice and you didn't pick up." I'm like, "Yeah, Grandma. It was Mother's Day. I was at a park." Okay. Cursing the day I was born, trying to, you know, keep up appearances as a mama bear for lifey. Okay. She goes, "I called you. I wanted to bring dessert to your house." I said, "Okay, well, why didn't you?" Now, mind you, she has full-time care. She has someone with her every single day schleing around. Okay. And I'm like, "Okay, well, oh, and she goes, I thought if you picked up, you could have picked me up this morning, taken me to the farmers market, we could have looked for a dessert, and then you could have brought it back to your house." But you didn't pick up the phone, Jake. I'm like, grandma, let's just let's just dial this back. Okay. So, in an attempt to do something nice and not be a freeloading [ __ ] okay, you wanted me as as a gift to me, as a help to me, you wanted me to pick you up, okay? Schluff you in the car, fold up your walker, and then walk you around the farmers market, find parking, get you out of the car, carry, get your reition nylon bag, and then drag you like the crypt keeper around the farmers market while you haggle with local vendors over chocolate chip cookies for 73 minutes and then put your ass back in the car, collapse the walker, drop you off, and then put the [ __ ] cookies back in my house. No thanks. I'm good. I'll make a cobbler.

[00:06:35]Okay. I'd rather go to a farm and harvest the berries by hand, one by one, making my cobbler. Okay. Like Nara Smith, before taking you to the farmers market. That doesn't sound fun. That doesn't sound like a good deed. That sounds like something that's going to put me three feet in the grave. So, no thanks. You couldn't have just, I don't know, had had your helper take you to the local Gellson's and pick out some [ __ ] cookies. God forbid. No. It's a burden on a burden on a burden. Thank you. Enjoy your corn. Also, speaking of a re addition, I have two revisions from last week's episode. Firstly, I'm not on season 8 of Summerhouse. I was on season 6. Okay? So, my opinions from last week's episode are specific to season 6.

[00:07:23]I'm now at season 7. I have to say, if things don't start to pop the [ __ ] off, I'm tapping out. summer house.

[00:07:32]It's somewhat insufferable for me. I'm still watching it. I'm still making my way through, making my way downtown, but I'm having a lot of trouble. Another revision that I didn't actually wasn't part of the original list. Maria Mena, who followed me on Instagram, I thought that we were like brokering a friendship. I posted a video singing her praises. I did call her a lispy lesbian, and I'd like to apologize for that. Not great for the friendship. Revision number three.

[00:08:04]Couple wi Okay, it came back to me.

[00:08:05]There we are. We're back and refresh. A couple weeks ago, I said that Ella Langley's I'm back to love and laugh again. That song was the new I think I like this little life. But that's not true. The new I think I love this little life is sing your grace. Hallelujah.

[00:08:27]everything. Hallelujah, baby Jack.

[00:08:29]Hallelujah. I mean, the way that we have beat this to filth. I I beg of you, nobody post anything else with a hallelujah unless you're being [ __ ] funny because it we can't do it. The Mother's Day hallelujah fodder made me want to [ __ ] blow my brains out. You know what made me hate motherhood yesterday? Take a walk. Hallelujah.

[00:08:50]Everything. Hallelujah. You with your butt [ __ ] kids. I don't care.

[00:08:57]You know what it is that infuriates me?

[00:09:00]First of all, read the room. I have friends that have fertility issues. I have a dead mom, so I am hyper hyper hyper sensitive to those holidays and the sting factor. And we all have to zoom out for a second and like live your life. Operate your vessel as yourself.

[00:09:13]Do whatever you want. Like let them. I'm letting them. I'm always letting them.

[00:09:18]But let me by the way, let them let me.

[00:09:21]I hate when people say that. Wow, she's so bitter. Do you quick question cue Trista? Okay. Would you like me to come here on a microphone and talk about my happy life? Do you want me to be deeply content? Cuz guess what? I am. But I'm also going to scream endlessly for sport. So, you're going to have to just get the [ __ ] over it. Thank you. Um, let me So, the way that women um, God, this is great for feminism. How do I put this? To not alienate people. Well, it's too late for that. the way that people glamorize um and create like this bubble of self-importance over things that are very mundane for mass consumption bothers me because it feels it's not that it's tonedeaf, it's that it's lacking perspective and it's just so overly like flowery and just like you know what it is? It's low-key dorky and it's just like you sitting down on your sofa snuggling up with your kids and be like everything.

[00:10:31]Hallelujah. Being their mama, hallelujah, happy life. Hallelujah.

[00:10:38]Like messes in the kitchen. Hallelujah.

[00:10:41]Little fingerprints. Hallelujah. Toys everywhere. Hallelujah. Like [ __ ] off.

[00:10:48][ __ ] you.

[00:10:51]Like literally stop doing that.

[00:10:56]It's so stupid.

[00:11:01]It makes me cry laughing. I have to stop doing this on the podcast. It's so maniacal. It's not okay. But like when people like try to romanticize like toys and like little little hands and like [ __ ] like that, I'm like, "Shut up." Oh, it makes me laugh. You know what? I like the smell of bleach.

[00:11:24]Hallelujah.

[00:11:26]A child-free home. Hallelujah.

[00:11:29]Clyde's at school. Hallelujah.

[00:11:31]I'm alone. Hallelujah.

[00:11:34]Ice cold air conditioning. Hallelujah.

[00:11:37]Vodka. Hallelujah. Don't [ __ ] talk to me. Hallelujah. Like, it's just And I love that little [ __ ] more than anything. But you know what? Seeing his little [ __ ] fingerprints on my steel doors, that doesn't pay a hallelujah.

[00:11:53]That pangs a somebody get the [ __ ] Windex and get the hell out of my house.

[00:11:57]Hallelujah. It's so funny. It just brings me back to I thank God. Oh my god. I'll never forget. I don't know who the content creator was. And by the way, the fact that I used the word content creator just then, you're welcome.

[00:12:10]Hallelujah. But like people just like washing their hands, that was that [ __ ] killed me. There was a woman with her farm sink, okay? Her overmounted sink and she's staring out the window and she's washing her [ __ ] hands and she's got one of those little scrubbers on a stick and she's just washing eggs and washing her hands looking out at the abyss and it was like, I think I like this little. It's like, [ __ ] you're washing your hands.

[00:12:33]You know what? and keep washing because you're probably gonna get noro virus from your five [ __ ] children. So, let's stop it. Just stop it. There's got to be a ying and there's got to be a yang. That's what I say about Summerhouse. Not to just like close the loop there, but like if you're going to cry, what? Okay. Why are these women crying in every single episode of Summerhouse? Okay. Why are they Why are there tears every single episode of Summerhouse? It's why I love Lindsay Hubard because she is she is the Gloria Steinum of Summerhouse. Like I I'm I'm uncomfortable with the representation of women in the bed crying every single episode. And that's not lovely to say, but there's got to be a ying to the yang. If you're crying with your Doritos in bed, I also need you popping off like slicing and dicing the very next scene because if it's all just tears and tankinis, I can't Well, there's no tankinis, but you know what I'm saying?

[00:13:30]Like, I just we got to have something else. There's got to be more to the mix here. We need to have a more dynamic perspective. Speaking of Summerhouse, the newest rumor that uh was dropped into the ethos universe, what is it?

[00:13:47]Ecosystem, don't care. Is that Wes Wilson, is that his name? Don't care.

[00:13:54]Was uh also romantically entangled with Jen Fesler from Real Housewives of New Jersey. Now, I know Jen Fesler. I've met her. I met her once. I did the radio with her and she is lovely and funny and I think I do not think this is true. I think that she has such a good sense of humor and she obviously addressed this.

[00:14:20]She was like this is the definition of liable which I had to Google cuz I was like is that supposed to be like illegal or liable or liberal? I couldn't I was like is that a misspelling? Had to Google it. It's basically she's saying that this is 100% untrue and stating it as a fact online is illegal. I don't think she was threatening to sue Sierra.

[00:14:41]I think that she just wanted a correction because she is a mother of two grown children. She's been married for 20some years. She's been very open about her marriage ups and downs. And do I think that they flirted and she probably loved it? Duh. Who wouldn't?

[00:14:57]But do I think that they penetrated?

[00:15:00]No.

[00:15:02]very very doubtful. I just I don't see that happening. Um but we will see. But as of now, that is my that is my stance and I need Summerhouse to pop off.

[00:15:14]Season 7 the you know Maya's highlights are a problem for me when we see her in her confessional season 7 and she has like a darker hair just like I feel like that's her color. the two like platinum blonde streaks in the front. I just can't support that. And I'll say it once, I'll say it twice, I'll say it three times. Kyle Cook is I think he's my favorite. I'm sorry, which is toxic and I'm working on it. And I was told profusely not to say that on a microphone, but I am saying it because I really do think he's a hoot and a half.

[00:15:51]I mean, the mullet, he's the oldest person there. He's just and and Carl, I low-key think Carl's hot. So, and now we've said it. Before a busy day of two loodling, it's important to start your day hydrated, nourished, and by taking care of your gut health. Jackie, can you really do all those things with one delicious drink? You sure can, Rebecca, with Brodo Bone Broth. This podcast is sponsored by Broto. Welcome to the hottest trend in nutrition for the last, I don't know, 2,000 years, bone broth, baby. Broto's bone broths are made from scratch. No concentrates, preservatives, or shortcuts. So, you get the best broth money can buy. My favorite flavor is the roasted garlic and chili. It is so flavorful with the perfect little kick of heat. Okay. Bone broth is like the secret, okay? And Broto bone broth is the only bone broth that I will ingest.

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[00:17:41]Okay, everyone. One thing about me is that me and my tits have a rocky relationship. They're wobbling to and fro. Ty in a knot, tie in a bow. Also, I'm fluctuating, okay? And everything, just like with my boobs, specifically when I was pregnant with Clyde, got so much worse. That's why I'm so excited to be partnering with Kindred Bravely. They make intimates and apparel for maternity, postpartum, and breastfeeding, as well as baby essentials, all designed to make early motherhood feel a little less overwhelming and a lot more supported.

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[00:18:39]That is kindredravely.com/jackie for 20% off your first order. Make sure you use our link so they know that we sent you. Exclusions apply. Some more updates. Um, I saw the Michael movie and the theater was packed. Okay. during every dance number or every uh performance I should say like half of the theater was standing up and dancing and singing and I just want to say that in this house currently and I'm not proud of it and I will course correct. We have separated the art from the artist and it's not great. Clyde is obsessed with Michael Jackson currently. I did not take him to see the movie, but he heard like wannabe starting something and then he heard black and white and it blew his [ __ ] mind. He's seen the music video. He's obsessed with Smooth Criminal. He tries to do like the footwork and he said he wants to go to a Michael Jackson concert now and I was like he's dead and he wants to get sparkly socks and he's just obsessed with Michael Jackson. I don't really know how to break it to him that things are going south. So, I saw the movie and despite it having pretty low critic reviews, I mean, I think the audience score is like 97%.

[00:19:56]I loved it. I was entertained. I thought it was fun. Now, obviously, there are certain elements, a lot of the critiques are saying that like just it is a highlights reel. it is, you know, not really exploring like super in-depth like the intricacies of his darkness that we, you know, like unravels later in his life allegedly. But oh my god, now I'm like a Michael Jackson apologizer hitting it with an allegedly.

[00:20:23]I saw Finding Neverland. Okay, everybody go watch it. Like I understand what's going on. But you know what? It ain't the first time that Hollywood has made a movie about a pedophile. So, you know, he's dead. It's all we can do. I loved the movie.

[00:20:41]It's just this. I was like, maybe we don't talk about it. Are we still playing Wann to Be Starting Something and Don't Stop Till You Get Enough. I mean, the bops are unbelievable. Like, his discoraphy is [ __ ] insane.

[00:20:57]But all in all, like the movie, like, you should see it. It's a good movie.

[00:21:02]It's entertaining. It's fun. The audience was like on their feet. I've never been in a movie where people are like standing and dancing and clapping like multiple times through the movie.

[00:21:12]Is it a masterpiece? No. I think that Jafar Jackson who is is it Antoine Jackson's son is unbelievable. I mean, looks like Michael, sounds like Michael. all of like the uh just his like facial expressions and his gesticulation like everything is is spot [ __ ] on. Janet is not present in the movie. Now I have said this many times on this podcast so you can run the [ __ ] tape. I will die on the hill that Janet Jackson is the superior Jackson. A there's no documentary. B. I mean, the Janet Jackson discoraphy. Like, it I hate that we live in a world where people don't know every single song off the Velvet Rope album. Like, to me, I know every interlude. I know. I mean, Freezone blew my mind. The fact that people don't know start to finish and haven't sung in their car heartbroken to the song Empty blows my [ __ ] mind. Like, we did not give this woman enough [ __ ] credit.

[00:22:13]Janet Jackson for me is my Mount Rushmore pop star Mount Rushmore. I love Janet Jackson so wholeheartedly.

[00:22:21]Escapade. Think of a better pop song than Escapade. Like really close your eyes and think about it. It is a perfect perfect song. She is perfection and she's not present in the movie. She probably didn't sign off on it, but it is produced by the majority of his brothers and they really go into his father, Joseph Jackson, being a huge piece of [ __ ] There was one point in the movie where I looked over at Andrew and I was hysterically crying because Joe Jackson, you know, abusive stage parent, which I'm just a click away from. He looks at his boys and he says, "In life, there's only two types of people, winners and losers." And the amount of times that I have said that in the privacy of my own home is alarming.

[00:23:09]And I did have an aha moment and a real breakthrough in that movie theater. So, I enjoyed it. Um, will I see it again? I mean, I would Here's the thing. I wanted to take Clyde to like a matinea early where I know there's not going to be a lot of people because I do think he would love it.

[00:23:28]Now, I'd have to shield him from, you know, the belting and the physical abuse. Although I do think you should know how lucky he is that a [ __ ] doesn't snap.

[00:23:39]Like I would never. You guys, I can't even believe it. Like I have some friends like I know people who spank and stuff and I like could never. By the way, Clyde would like hit me back. He'd be like, "Bitch, I push you back." Um I can't even imagine that. That's so crazy. Like the fact that people were like like got the belt. you must not have my belt collection because my belts I mean I'm just thinking of the past few belts I've bought the Seline that belt it's got a very it's got a pure metal edge okay that would leave a serious mark so we're just like not belting in this house what was I going to say I was thinking about taking Clyde but I would I like maybe I will see this is the best part of the movie oh my god I bury the lead and this is not a spoiler alert you already know what [ __ ] happens at the end of the movie. He um and it's his last tour with his brothers. Okay.

[00:24:33]Thriller had just come out and he was embarking on his first like solo European like world stadium tour and he hits his last beat and the fireworks go off and it's the end of the movie and it just says in all like sparkly text, the story continues. And we're like, yeah, no, we know. We know.

[00:24:56]Like I thought that was a really weird way to end the movie because it made it seem like only bigger and better things moving forward. I'll never forget where I was when I found out that Michael Jackson died. I was working at my summer camp. Okay, I was the special activities director and we were gearing up for a camp barbecue and my cousin Joanna called me just seconds before the barbecue started and she said, "Michael Jackson died." And I said, "Joe, I'm working at summer camp." She's like, "Just thought you should know." Click.

[00:25:29]And it really [ __ ] up my whole night.

[00:25:32]I mean, I know it's a week late in a dollar short, but do we talk about MetGala fashion? Okay. Um, I don't have a lot of hopes and dreams, but I would like love to go to the Bet Gala. Just saying. I mean, I I don't deserve it and I'll probably never go, but I would just like like to. Um, okay. So, we've got Nicole Kidman and Chanel. I mean, perfect. She's got her wig. She's got her feathers. It's great. What was the theme? Art.

[00:25:59]Fashion and art.

[00:26:01]Fashion is art. Okay, that's like vague.

[00:26:05]My favorite thing ever, by the way, is all the celebrities on the red carpet being asked like, "What's a piece of art that like shaped you?" And [ __ ] Gigi Hadid. I mean, unbelievable. I forget what the question was. Yeah. What piece of art changed your life? And Gigi Hadid is just standing there naked and her bloomers being like, "That's such a that's such a great question." Well, um, and she's just filibustering and then finally she hits us with, you know, somebody once told me that when buying art, you it should slightly offend you or make you uncomfortable because that's the reason that art exists. And everyone's like, "Well, yeah." And I'm like, "Oh my god, she kind of did a thing there." But if someone asked me uh which piece of art changed your life, I don't know. Show girls, the comeback season 1, Rooney season 2, um like the first time I saw CNC California layering tank tops when I was in the seventh grade and I used to wear like 18 different tank tops on top of each other.

[00:27:10]When Jessica Simpson came out with edible like body glitter, that kind that was art that changed my life. I forget what it was called. Dessert. Oh my god, dessert changed my life. And then Urban Decay came out with those poofs of body shimmer. I mean, that changed my life.

[00:27:25]Like, that's a [ __ ] easy question.

[00:27:27]Celebrities, get out a little. Okay, that just absolutely killed me. Let's do like a little fashion recap, shall we? I didn't really care about anyone's outfit. Emily Blunt, I don't care. I don't care. Was there anyone that I loved? No. Oh, who? Connor Story in St. Laurent. You know what triggered me about this?

[00:27:50]It looks like he's just like going to a power lunch. But also, this is so reminiscent of one of my funeral outfits. Amanda Cyred, she's in Prada.

[00:28:00]She's wearing like a little pink ball gown and a statement necklace. It just looks like she's going to the Oscars.

[00:28:06]Annne Hathaway looked pretty. She was in Michael Kors collection. It's different.

[00:28:11]Um, yeah. Not Nobody really like took my breath away. I mean, Zoe Kravitz in St. Laurent in that sheer dress with the pockets like obviously did something to me here. This is the only thing I want to talk about because I literally don't care about anyone's outfits. I I found it all to be so boring. I mean, Lauren Sanchez, God bless her. Lauren Sanchez giving skank ass mother of the bride, Windsor Fashions, Macy's, Audriana Papel, we just don't deserve her. God bless her. And what's her face? Chris Jenner. So good. Unbelievable Chris Jenner. I mean that I like I want to wear that to the Rosewood next weekend by the pool. Okay, I'm cutting bangs and getting a bejeweled like calf tan. This is what I want to talk about. Lots of thoughts on Blake Lively rolling through to the Metball Day of Settling with Justin Baldonni and you know just bleeding out for the victims. She shows up in a vintage archival Versace dress that is like My Little Pony Plantation Princess. Okay, it's Rainbow Sherbet.

[00:29:16]And then she goes and she does her interview for Vogue and she says, "You know, I'm actually, you know, I'm I'm so shy. So, I had my kids paint a little painting on this Judith Labor bag." And I love when celebrities talk about being like shy or introverted or whatever.

[00:29:30]It's like, okay. Um, yeah. You you are so shy. When I think of Blake Lively, I think of shy.

[00:29:39]That's why you're wearing a 38 foot trained gown at the Met Ball. I'm You're so shy. I don't understand why shy is like a go-to like aspirational quality.

[00:29:52]Like does it do you think that they say that because it makes them seem more relatable or down to earth or like you get that like victimization of being nervous and shy and uncomfortable and therefore we're going to like be easier on you because you're so shy like no I don't think so. Do I think that I mean obviously she has to like live her life and keep keep calm and carry on as Kimmy from or as Martha from the Real Housewives of London. That's not it.

[00:30:21]ladies of London says, but to show up at like the world's most celebrity um affluent kind of glamorous event of of the year on the precipice of this kind of gross, weird lawsuit.

[00:30:44]I I it was a bold choice. It was weird.

[00:30:47]And more importantly, how is no one talking about Ryan Reynolds burning down his elementary school? Because that is news that was just brought to my attention. And the fact that we're not all talking about that is weird to me.

[00:31:02]Let me just do a Google search so I don't get sued and make sure that this is true.

[00:31:08]Ryan Reynolds burned school. Okay.

[00:31:15]Okay. This is alleged. alleged.

[00:31:19]There are long-standing claims that he set fire to his Canadian elementary school, Queen Elizabeth Elementary, as a teenager.

[00:31:28]Callahan, who's Callahan? Oh, journalist Marine Callahan on the Megan Kelly show.

[00:31:33]Okay, this isn't a great reference.

[00:31:36]Callahan cited a 2004 Arizona Daily Star interview where Reynolds reportedly admitted to the incident. Okay. So, now that we have to Okay, now we have to find what this Okay, I'm not going to do any further research, but allegedly he admitted to uh setting uh his school on fire.

[00:32:00]Maybe he was joking. That's okay. I You know what? I don't want to touch this. I can already feel Fran like throwing rocks in my window telling me to shut the [ __ ] up. Just Google it or don't Google it. Let's move on. Just kidding.

[00:32:14]Abort. Abort. Abort. You know what I hate? This is the only thing I had written down for my outline this week.

[00:32:21]Are you ready for it?

[00:32:24]Things I hate. Hexagon tiles. Well, that's all I have for you this week. So, have a good one. That's the only thing.

[00:32:31]Hexagon tiles. Really a disgusting choice. You know, like why in a world of so many options, a hexagon tile? I'll never understand.

[00:32:43]I'll never get a hexagon tile. That's just how we move and groove breezily through problematic topics. As we know, Scary Sherry the psychic predicted that Clyde is going to be very, very famous.

[00:32:58]Okay? And if I'm going to prep him for the lights, I need to make sure he is wellfed. Okay? He's going to be on a stadium tour. You can't be malnourished.

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[00:35:29]Now, I have consulted Instagram for some talking points because I am a woman of the world and connection. and let's see what y'all want to chitchat about this week. How do you feel about capri pants, Jackie? Thank you so much for asking. I like them in theory when I see like the young cool Tik Tok girls in like a little kitten heel and a capri pant with like their stomachs hanging out, a little tank top, little [ __ ] ass tank top. I understand it. I don't know that I will be incorporating capri pants into my wardrobe. I'm a topheavy gal and with these big old tits like how would I wear a capri pant I don't know probably just as mentioned like a skank ass tank top with little capri pants but then like I'm not wearing kitten heels I'm not wearing a little mule so I don't I don't hate them but I'm not like in an active pursuit of working them into my wardrobe. You know what I mean? Divorce. Um thank you for asking Jordan. Do I think Andrew and I will get a divorce? Probably not. If we did, it would definitely be my decision on my terms, but I'd like to avoid it just because I don't want to like be a a single parent. I don't have the motherly instincts for that kind of workload. So, I feel like we're going to make it. A lot of questions about The Real Housewives of Rhode Island. So, I have started it. I'm about four episodes in. I will say it's giving a little bit of TLC energy for me. And I don't mean that as an insult, but I kind of mean it as an insult. I need to get back on the train. I'm not up to speed. It is very hard for me to tell all these women apart. Ashley I with the crying from the Bachelorette and the coffee shop. Like I don't care about that storyline. Kelsey and the two boyfriends. Real pretty. Don't necessarily care about that story.

[00:37:26]Joelyn, I I I need to figure out who these [ __ ] are first before I start really participating, but I'm I'm interested and I know that everyone loves it and is saying it is to to the same caliber of A Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, which I'll just That's not true. There's no [ __ ] way.

[00:37:45]I'm so excited for A Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. I can't even [ __ ] tell you. Mary Cosby, the greatest star of our time. We will never hurt her. We will never touch her. Lisa Barlo is such a case study for me because nobody loves themselves more than Lisa Barlo. And when you watch the footage of her like just like mewing into the [ __ ] camera with those outfits and those those lips those lips are a mystery. Okay. The threads, the lips like something we there's something o there's something that's too puffy about the lip and too we got to go back to the drawing board and we got to figure it out. She's a beautiful woman, but there's something that's missing. I don't know if it's too much filler or too or like is she drinking too many out of too many straws? We got to figure that out because she's she is a star and it's hard to root for someone. I say this looking inward. It's it's hard to like root and celebrate someone that's overly rooting and celebrating themselves. And I think she needs to be careful about that because the audience the audience won't ride for her the same way if she's like I live a very different life than the rest of you. You literally don't. I mean respectfully we've seen your house tour. Excuse Sabrina Carpenter. Like let's just relax Alda Marcus. Like it's it's enough. But I haven't really watched Rory and I'm I'm going to start and I will get back to you. Haunt virus. I'm not I mean people are getting real scared. They're like it's the second co just zoom out for a second. We're And by the way, maybe I'm just turning a blind eye because I'm about to board a cruise.

[00:39:28]I have a year for it to settle down. But by the way, do we think this is the universe being like, "We're going to drop a virus so Jackie Shimble doesn't have to go on that [ __ ] cruise."

[00:39:39]Maybe. Maybe. But I'm not I don't run worried. It's not my style.

[00:39:47]We're going to be fine. Everyone [ __ ] relax. Okay, just calm the [ __ ] down.

[00:39:53]How do you feel about Chanel Cocoa Beach? Oh my god. Shut up. Shut up.

[00:40:01]Wrong girl. Now, did I get a pair of flip-flops? You betcha, Iris. But I'm also not spending $5,000 on a towel bag.

[00:40:07]Like, that's just We're not in that tax bracket. And to be honest, I I don't I'm not spending $5,000 on a towel bag like that. That is where we draw the goddamn line. Like, it's not happening. I'm sorry. It's not [ __ ] happening. Wait, can we just I don't know why towel bag made me think of the valley. You know why? Here's my This is my logic. I'm gonna run this. I'm gonna I'm gonna run this out loud. Towel bag unnecessary handbags. Okay, that's that to me that's this is the correlation. Backpacks as purses. Nia from the valley. The valley.

[00:40:44]That's how we got there. That was the jump. Wouldn't wear a towel bag. Get really upset when I see new mama bears just solely wearing backpacks when they're not with their kids. And like keeping that diaper bag, the diaper backpack. And like I said, let them. Let me let them. Let me let them. But let me when I see beautiful Nia wearing her leather backpack, her diaper bag as just an outing bag, I I want better for her.

[00:41:10]And let me tell you something about that little troll rat [ __ ] Danny with those ripped jeans. Danny, we've been over this. Okay, there was a a previous clip that we put out to the universe in defense of Nia. Is it Nia? No, it's Nia.

[00:41:26]I don't know. And I don't [ __ ] care.

[00:41:28]This is what I will tell you. And I I hope you're looking me dead in my eye.

[00:41:32]Danny. Danny boy. Okay. Danny. Little Danny. I will come to Santa Clarita and I will kick you so hard in your dick that it will invert up into your [ __ ] throat and you will choke and never speak again. the way that you treat that beautiful wife who is so out of your [ __ ] league that you have isolated in Santa Clarita cuz you're a little child actor like a little shrimp dick. Okay.

[00:42:01]And the way that you embarrass her on screen and undermine her and don't listen or respect her or hear her when she is vocalizing her feelings in a cool, calm, collected manner when most women would slice and dice you into next week like the little troll that you are.

[00:42:19]You belong under a bridge in Santa Clarita. Okay. The fact that you get to wake up next to that woman every day, you should be on your hands and [ __ ] knees, waiting on her hand and foot, blessing the day that she was born and made the decision to spend her life with you and bear your [ __ ] children. You should be so lucky. She's so severely out of your [ __ ] league. And when you bark at her for eating a sandwich while you need a swaddle, you need to be swaddled cuz you're a little baby.

[00:42:53]You're a little baby [ __ ] ass, okay?

[00:42:57]You're a baby that belongs at a fire station cuz no one wants to [ __ ] take care of you. So you better shut the [ __ ] up and treat your wife like a [ __ ] goddess princess. Look at you. Look at her. Look at you. Look at her. One of these things does not belong. And it's you, Danny. Okay, you're low to the ground and you know what we do to people that are low to the ground? We kick them.

[00:43:22]I'm sorry. I don't know where that came from, but I was watching the Valley last night and I was so triggered while she's trying to eat and he's getting his shoulders rubbed on the train and she's eating over her child with that beautiful face and then keeping up appearances trying to, you know, trying to have a nice time while they're at that little like carnival amusement park and he looks at her and says, "It just feels performative. You should be so lucky that she's being nice to you on camera instead of cursing the day you were born, okay? And putting peanut butter out in all the corners of your Santa Clarita trackh home trying to catch a rat. You know who the rat is, Danny? It's you. I don't even have to like I don't even have to rehearse these monologues. They come from within. Okay, that was just that was just an aside.

[00:44:10]You're a rat. I can't I see I am a feminist. I will ride for Nia. She's so pretty. Okay. She's just so beautiful.

[00:44:19]And to watch someone be just kind of disparaged and discarded and undermined in the most casual of ways by a little man in ripped denim in Santa Clarita who does voice over work makes me sick.

[00:44:38]Wow. I really just got like so worked up there. I don't even know where that came from. Talk about women or friends who are know-it-alls. So irritating. I don't hang out with people like that. You know what? I have like a couple friends that are just like beacons of knowledge and they are they know it all and they're smarter than me and I just like blindly cosign on everything they tell me to do and all of their thoughts because I know, you know, I know my gifts. I know my strengths and my weaknesses. And I'm like, my best friend is so smart, okay?

[00:45:12]And she does the homework. She does the research. She has a a critical analytical thinking uh practice that I just could never I would never spend that much time doing anything. And she's someone who really like seeks out information and truth and justice and facts. And she's a very literal uh analytical, highly highly intelligent person. So, and I don't consider that to be a know-it-all because she really like whatever she says. If she's like, "Make sure Clyde's taking this probiot." I'd be like, "Absolutely. It could be laced with fentinyl. If other person told me, I would never do it." But because I know her, I would be like, "Absolutely. I'm going to order and like no questions asked." So, in that aspect, having a friend that is that's not a know-it-all.

[00:45:58]That's just someone who's really really smart. So, I surround myself with people like that. But someone who's like an authority on everything, I can't [ __ ] deal with. I don't have friends like that. And at a certain age, I just if you're sitting DMing a stranger about a friend of yours that you don't [ __ ] with, why are you still friends with them? I also think there we got to be careful about discarding humans so quickly. You know what I mean? If you can't have an open dialogue of being like, "Gh, you're so annoying. Like, you know everything about everything." If you can't say that to your friends, they're not your friends. Get new friends. Okay.

[00:46:30]Outdoor renovation progress. I am happy to report that we are starting demolition on Friday. Okay, it is going to be lengthy. I am really weighing out materials. I'm going on Wednesday. Are we going limestone? Are we going travertine? I'm not sure. I don't want anything that's going to read hospital white. So, I'm being very mindful because the deck Oh god. You know, I want to make sure first that it doesn't look like a prison. I have seen a lot of backyard renovations that get a little too heavy on the hardscape and that's too cold. We need warmth. So, I need to figure out the balance of like incorporating greenery, expanding the deck, finding materials that are warm, but also bringing it. It's going to be difficult. I don't want anything that's too white, but I don't want anything that's too beige. I'm looking for like creamy undertone, like green inlay. Like I'm I'm really I have a vision. Okay, I have a vision. And we're doing these two built-in platform daybeds on the base of the stairs and I've been sourcing outdoor fabric and I'm going to do like mixy mixy. I don't know. Are we going is it too Miami Vice if we do like a Mason home outdoor fabric or is it getting too like girly like the English cottage like just like dollousy if we do Liberty London outdoor floral fabrics or do we mix a little bit of both or do I go classic with like a green and white stripe and then like do weird pillows that are in all different I don't know.

[00:48:06]We don't know. I don't like anything that's overly rustic, but I don't like anything that's like Rico suave ma Miami. You know what I mean? So, it's like trying to find the balance. I want it to be like a monosto Nancy Meyers classic chic, but like also incorporating elements of our house, bringing I have such a I have a one note taste, you know what I mean? I want everything to be like feel warm and eclectic, like slightly European but modern but not stark. I'm not like into like clean lines and cement and like sharp sharp like I but I'm also not into like like swirly retan, you know what I mean? Like I'm not into like ah it's hard. And I like a box hedge. I like really clean landscaping, but I want it to be like structured and then wild. So, I want like really really structured planters with like perfectly manicured like box hedge and then behind like I'm a boganilia [ __ ] Okay, I want I would have my house dripping in bogania if I could, but we don't want it to get too tanga canyon. It's a hard one, but I will be documenting the process and that's it. Please stop talking about Clyde on your podcasts.

[00:49:27]Why don't you go die in a fire? Um, thank you.

[00:49:32]The Kevin Hart roast. I'm watching it tonight. I'm so excited. Feels a little fictitious. I know a lot of people that were there and they said it was amazing, but like definitely brutal as [ __ ] So, I will be tuning in. Another people love capri pants. Best online sites to buy light fixtures. Uh, visual comfort is really great. I feel like they have such a like wide range of products. I love Arteriors. That's where I've gotten like a lot of sconces and different light fixtures in my house. Also Etsy. Go on it Etsy. Go on Etsy and search like Morirano vintage midcentury Italian. Um, and they have really, really great stuff at really, really great prices. There is nothing that has me feeling fun, flirty, and frisky like a good hair day. Okay.

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[00:53:12]Oh my god, this is such a good one. What should I get my rich sister for her 40th? She thrives on thoughtful gifts.

[00:53:18]Help. That's the best thing about rich people. They want a thoughtful gift, which is harder than just buying a nice gift. You know what I mean? Because like what are you going to get them? An Hermes tray? They don't want that [ __ ] They already have that [ __ ] That's like tacky. It's like It's kind of a weird It's kind of a weird equation because when you're when you're buying a gift for someone who is filthy [ __ ] rich.

[00:53:40]Like going and getting something really nice and expensive almost is like a double negative. Like it doesn't penetrate the same way. So then you have to get thoughtful which is even more difficult. I will tell you I am going through a similar experience because I am going to Morgan Stewart's birthday dinner and I'm like what the [ __ ] am I going to buy this [ __ ] What am I going to buy her? Like kind of my go-tos I just I don't think are going to work. I normally would always go buy like a Janori like dish. Like I love like a janori tray. I I I just bought a friend like the green pink or no the green and blue like big large uh just like a square tray that you put on a coffee table. That's not her style. And also like it feels weird to walk in with a tray. So then I'm like, "Okay, I got to get thoughtful." But then do we do like I like anything with embroidery because it's just like But then what do you do?

[00:54:34]Do you do like cocktail napkins with like funny sayings that they say or like inside jokes or like I find but and then another thing that I do sometimes which is kind of a hit or miss like I'll buy someone in antique that made me think of them. So, I'll buy like I bought a friend recently this like pink alabaster vintage like midcentury just jar. Like it was just a jar, but it was so gorgeous and it had like a little seashell clasp and it was br it was just like it was something that I would die for to like just a catch all keep on your nightstand like put your jewelry in it, put your pills in it, put your ketamine in it, whatever.

[00:55:15]But buying someone an antique is so awkward because it's like, "Oh, you just like bought me an old [ __ ] bowl or something." But it does show some some effort. Now, it's your sister, so you know her pretty [ __ ] well. So, I would say anything that's like uh personalized, monogrammed, embroidered, just like, you know, a friend got me this for my birthday last year, and it was like my favorite gift. cloth uh like linen cocktail napkins that were all embroidered with like different things that I love. So, one had a picture of Leo, one had like my cocktail recipe on it. One had like an inside joke of ours, one had like a picture of Clyde. Like things like that that was that took thought, time, care, like you can't I'm going to Molly Sims house for her birthday tomorrow. What the [ __ ] do I bring Molly Sims? And you don't never bring flowers that are not in a vase.

[00:56:10]Never bring flowers that are not in a [ __ ] vase. If you're bringing a floral to someone's house, it do not put them in the position where they have to go run to the [ __ ] kitchen and fill a vase and plop them in and then arrange them themselves. You either bring a floral arrangement or just like don't.

[00:56:27]Just don't. Oh my god, I forgot. I got to go get get Molly something. What the [ __ ] do you get Molly Sims? Oh Jesus Christ. Also, you know what a great gift is just for for anyone? I'm just because I'm staring at it right now. Not an ad and we're breaking things. Not an ad, just a woman sharing things. These camp snaps. This is like it's it's supposed to look like a vintage camera. I mean, I can't figure out how to get the footage off. So, I have 20 minutes of footage from Christmas that's just stuck on here. But really cute gift. I think there's like 200 bucks. It's a very nice gift. Okay, what else? This is a good one. This is a deep cut. Did you really go on a date with Rob Kardashian or did you make that up for the early day lore?

[00:57:14]I'd like to go on record and say, um, I don't make things up for this podcast. A lot of people do. It's okay. It's smart.

[00:57:22]It keeps keeps things moving. I just repeat stories endlessly, but I'm never going to like fabricate a situation to like I don't I can't think of anything that I would have fabricated like early on. I mean, I also don't listen to those episodes cuz they're so [ __ ] bad. But I will tell you, this is like somewhat problematic. And if I was a different kind of gal, like maybe I'd be in therapy over this, but I it's Teflon titties over here and it's not a big deal. But when I was younger, I was maybe like 19 or 20 tops and I was working at a television show and they had their holiday party. And at the holiday party was Rob Kardashian and Joe Francis. ever heard of him from Girls Gone Wild? And one of the producers on the show took me and a fellow intern. We were like both like two 19year-old like young cute blonde girls and we were basically offered as party favors. And I'm not saying that like if anything I just want you to know when I tell a story like this, if anything I'm downplaying it because I a victim experience I would [ __ ] tell you. But I just that was not how it was metabolized for me. So I'm never going to like embellish something for the sake of people like feeling sorry. You know what I mean? Like I'm not this is not my me too story. I have one of those that I'll share but also didn't penetrate the surface. It was me diet me too. Okay. So I'm at this holiday party for the show that I'm interning at and the producer basically brings me and this other girl over. her name was Jack and introduces me to Rob Kardashian and Joe Francis and we are basically offered like appetizers for these two party guests. They're friends with the producer. They were there for the party and they start chatting us up, getting us drinks, which was we were both lying about our age at that time, so we don't put that on them.

[00:59:21]I was walking around with a fake ID of a 36-year-old from Arizona named Michaela who had brown eyes and was 5 foot2 and probably a meth head. And that was my story and I was sticking to it. So we have a couple cocktails. They say, "Hey, do you guys want to come with us to Disney on Ice?" Okay, there was something. They were opening like a hide club at the Staple Center and they wanted us to come and we were 19 and stupid and Rob Kardashian was like kind of cute and we were like, "Okay." So, we get into their car. Now, Rob Kardashian was like so lovely and respectful and very very kind. Joe Francis, you know, creepy, but like we could have taken him. Me and Jack were like, "We got this guy." Okay. So, we get into the car and there's cameras on it was like a like a custom Escalade that was like set up kind of like a limo and there's cameras everywhere inside. So, we go to the Staple Center and on the way there Joe Francis is like, "Do you guys want to drink? You guys should kiss. Have you ever kiss?" Like trying to get us to kiss. And I was like, "Honey, I might put the dyke in a Ron dyke, but I'm not kissing my fellow intern. Like I've never I'm Listen, I zero interest. I've never kissed a girl. I'm never going to kiss a girl. I'm like I like boys, okay?

[01:00:43]And that's okay. Sorry. I It's just what it is. Like I'm There's not enough drinks in the world for me to like I I'm not that kind of girl, you know? I'm not getting loose and like lip locking for male attention. We were like, "No, bitch." And then I started feeling like slightly uncomfortable, but once again, like I could have taken these guys. Like no [ __ ] problem. Like dick punch.

[01:01:08]I've got mace in my bag. Never worried about myself from a young age. Like I could take these [ __ ] So I was just like, "No." So, we get to hide and I was kind of like vibing with Rob Kardashian a little bit and I think we might have like kind of kissed and then I just like didn't want to be there anymore. I was feeling like kind of awkward and just like stupid. So, I remember I called my cousin Joe and I was seeing if she was going to be able to come pick me up and then they were going to a nightclub after. Now, Jack and I were like totally underage and lying about it and we ended up saying no. We said goodbye. I think I exchanged numbers with Rob and then they let us take their car back to the studio lot and that was it. So, nothing happened.

[01:01:59]They were just like we were young and stupid and they were young and stupid and it's like really not that salacious.

[01:02:06]If I was a different kind of gal, I'd probably try to crank it up a couple notches for sport and downloads, but that's just what it was. We took their car back to the holiday party. Uh we stole something out of the car. I think there was like a Louis Vuitton like card card holder or something and the my other intern was like, "I'm taking this with me as a party gift." I was like, "Yeah, it's the least. Listen, a party favor if nothing else." And that was it.

[01:02:32]So uneventful, really. Oh my god, this is news to me. People on Reddit think that you have abandoned Richard, my dog.

[01:02:42]Okay.

[01:02:44]All right. Leo is 13 years old. He's hanging on for dear life. He's still with us. When you have a baby, I mean, I know we This is also so salacious. When you have a baby, your focus kind of shifts to your baby more than your first baby. I love Leo. He sleeps in the bed with me every single night. Um, I spend on average about $800 a month on allergy medications to keep him alive and stable. And he wears a cone, which I guess is getting a lot of fodder on the internet. People will really look for anything new. Call Pet PETA. Um, he wears a cone because he chews his skin off. He licks himself to death and then he gets these open wounds that get infected. So, we're doing medicated shampoos every 2 days on top of his rigorous allergy medication, and we're just trying everything to keep him comfortable and happy and alive. And if that warrants a Reddit thread, then by all means, um, but he's just getting old and we're just trying our best to keep him happy and we love him. And Leo has a beautiful life. You know, he's a little itchy and he's got more skin allergies than I can even begin to deal with. It's a bit of a Shih Tzu thing, but you know, right now he's sitting on the sofa just just living a his life.

[01:04:06]So, put it on the thread, I guess. I don't know. Oh my god, what an idiot. Do you have any Asian or black friends? I don't think I've ever seen any on your feed. You've never seen any of my friends on my feed. Okay, to be very very clear, obviously, yes. Secondly, I don't put I would say 95% of my real friends on the feed, okay?

[01:04:32]Because that's not what they're here for. It's extortion. If I if I got my phone out and started snapping pics with my girls at dinner, like my people, my my core crew, they would never [ __ ] speak to me again. They don't want to be a part of this [ __ ] That's I find that to be so weird. So you think, let's just let's just run it. So if you don't see it, it something doesn't exist. Okay, I that's not happening. Have you ever seen I don't put my dad on the internet. I put my sister very rarely. I don't put the majority of my family on the internet. Like, don't even don't even [ __ ] try me. Try again. Try again.

[01:05:17]No. Wrong girl. Do you secretly envy your child-free friends? Uh, yeah.

[01:05:24]Oh my god. All the [ __ ] time. To be so untethered and fuckless. Yes. Yes.

[01:05:30]Yes. Anybody who says anything different is a [ __ ] liar.

[01:05:36]Um, yeah. Hello. Yes. I think it's really really important that as parents we stop being so self-important. You know what I mean? Like they'll just never know the love. Like they they probably will. And if they don't, that's okay, too. Not everybody needs to have [ __ ] kids. Like I find that to be the most condescending myopic onenoted approach to life. Not everyone should have children. Not everyone needs children. Not everyone wants children. Not everybody needs to get married. We are not we are not confined by the blueprint of like antiquated ideals. I happen to love being married and love having a child.

[01:06:23]Okay. But can I imagine a world where I was single, free, and fuckless, gallivanting?

[01:06:30]Of course I can. I don't want to live in one lane. I'm I'm not tunnel visioning life. I like to think that I could have a million different versions of myself.

[01:06:40]What did Kevin Spacy, the great Kevin Spacy say in [ __ ] uh American Beauty?

[01:06:45]It's a great thing to have the ability to still surprise yourself. Not sure if that's the quote, but I think about that a lot. The life is going to throw a lot of boulders at you and you need to be able to whip and nigh nigh and pivot accordingly. Okay? So, it's also just so [ __ ] rude. People have fertility issues. People have uh marriages that end in people are widows like and widowers. Like there's so many different things that happen. And so for people to be so sure of themselves and self-important and gloating on the internet about their life and nobody else will ever understand and this is the way to do it. You better watch yourself and be [ __ ] careful because it is you are a click away from like you just never know what life is going to hand you. So, do I look at my childless friends who are sleeping in having cocktails, you know, on a yacht somewhere and think that sounds nice.

[01:07:46]Doy. And on that note, I'm going to go get a Sharkies burrito. Thank you so much for listening. Five stars on iTunes, everyone. Click to shop the scrunchie. I didn't realize I had my scrunchie in an eyelet scrunchie for spring. And um have a great week. We'll chat later. Bye.