Sex & Intimacy After Menopause | Your Marriage Doesn't Have to Suffer

Added: 2026-05-11

[00:00:00]This is one of the most requested videos on my channel. How do you keep intimacy alive through menopause? Menopause is something I'm in the middle of, so I'm still working out in real time. But I've spent 20 plus years watching women navigate this transition. Clients and friends who've gone through it beautifully and women like me who are in the middle of it. And what I've learned is that menopause works the same way as every other major hormonal transition.

[00:00:28]puberty, motherhood, the monthly cycle.

[00:00:31]The principles that get you through them well are the same ones that will help you navigate menopause, ideally without letting it take a wrecking ball to your marriage or sex life. Just to be clear before we go on, this video isn't about obligation or duty sex. It's about thriving through menopause with your sensuality, vitality, and an intimate sexual connection with your husband intact. One of the main symptoms you might hear about menopause is reduced libido. But let's think about what the word libido really means because it's way bigger than sex drive alone. Libido first and foremost is life force. It's the spring in your step, the sparkle in your eyes, and the color in your world.

[00:01:17]It's music and dance and humor and play.

[00:01:20]It's drive, movement, charge, and motivation. You can see it clearly in those older women who still have it. 70 years old yet vibrant, full of gratitude, playful and flamboyant. Alive in every way a woman can be alive. So what are they doing well? What's their secret? They know themselves. They know their rhythms. They know what makes them feel alive and what shuts them down. and they treat this life force like a delicate flame they hold in their hands.

[00:01:55]They feed it, they care for it, and they protect it. So, what does that look like in practice? For me, my list is fairly specific. Good sleep, time outside in nature, real food, no alcohol, no negative media, friends I can be authentic with, movement, and driving all of that, a loving, honest, secure relationship with my husband. That's my list. The pillars of health that allow my libido to flourish and probably yours, too. But guess what? Sex, or more specifically, partnered orgasm, is also a pillar of health. And the research on this is clear. Orgasm releases tension.

[00:02:39]It improves mood and sleep. It lowers depression and anxiety. It supports heart health. It sharpens cognitive function. It deepens your bond with your husband. In fact, women who have regular satisfying sex live longer than women who don't. In my experience, it's also good for your temperament. Women who orgasm regularly appear softer, warmer, and less uptight. We're lubricated, fluid, and infinitely more emotionally flexible. So, it's not a chore. It's essential self-care that your body and your marriage need, even if the urge isn't as strong as it once was. The point is, intimacy in later life isn't about waiting for a spontaneous impulse to want sex. It has to become a deliberate health choice. One you pursue intentionally like any other aspect of well-being. Because make no mistake, sex is to marriage what exercise is to health. Central, not optional. It's what distinguishes a husband and wife from any other platonic relationship, and what separates a thriving marriage from one that stagnates. So menopause certainly shouldn't be an excuse to withdraw from your husband, assuming he's a safe, kind, and loyal man. It's just one more situation, like many others, that calls for steadiness, adaptation, and conscious intention.

[00:04:10]What's the alternative? Giving up sex for the rest of your life because menopause? Never having another orgasm?

[00:04:17]Avoiding cuddles indefinitely in case they lead to sex? living like roommates while pretending everything's okay for the next 40 years. That's no plan at all. It's a slow motion car crash for both of you. One I see playing out week after week in the therapy room. The alternative is to rise to the challenge.

[00:04:40]Remain steady throughout. Take responsibility for navigating menopause with grace. In my own life, for example, I'm generally an upbeat, positive woman who truly loves her life and her husband. I cope well with most things and remains steady. But something happens during my cycle where my outlook suddenly goes dark. My husband starts to annoy me. I feel irritable and overwhelmed. But what I've learned when the shift occurs is to double down on the things that sustain me. Where I might have previously snapped at my husband, I go on a hike. When I want to binge eat garbage, I get to the gym and eat a high protein meal. So, if you're prone to moodiness, like I am, allow your husband to gently point it out when he notices. Russ often says to me, "Are you okay? Do you need some space?" My role is to accept that feedback without getting defensive. If we don't want our loved ones walking on eggshells around us, then we must trust them to voice what we might not see in the moment.

[00:05:46]Either way, I tell him what's going on and I ask for space and compassion which he gives. And these measures are soothing because he knows what's going on just as I do. And we both understand it's nobody's fault. We still make jokes, cuddle, connect, and have sex. No one gets abandoned. There's just a little more tenderness and a slower pace to all of it. The point is to keep moving and looking after yourself. Treat it for what it is, a phase in the natural cycle of life, not a crisis that justifies withdrawal. So that's the emotional side. Of course, there are also physical changes that impact intimacy, pain, dryness, discomfort during intercourse, and reduced arousal.

[00:06:34]The good news is almost all of it is treatable, but this isn't my area of expertise. So, I'm going to point you towards the women who are doing brilliant clinical work on this right now. Look up Dr. Mary Cla Haver, Dr. Kelly Casperson, and Dr. Lauren Striker on YouTube. They'll explain that pain is treatable. HRT can be a godsend for many women. Testosterone offers benefits far beyond sex drive. The cancer fears most of us grew up with are largely outdated and you have far more sexual options than you might think if discomfort or pain is an issue. If you're considering HRT, one key piece of advice is to find a reputable clinic. Don't settle for a family doctor telling you your results are normal if you don't feel normal. Ask for a copy of the results. Do your own research and advocate for yourself. I want to leave you with a spiritual concept today, one that I find incredibly helpful. You've probably heard of the maiden, mother, and matriarch archetypes. These archetypes describe phases of a woman's life. The maiden, youthful, playful, and curious.

[00:07:52]The mother, nurturing, generous, and devoted to those she loves. and the matriarch, wise, grounded, and self- assured. Most women think they leave each one behind as they go. The maiden dies when motherhood begins. The mother dies when the kids leave home, and the matriarch is all that remains. But I disagree. The women who enter midlife and beyond at their most beautiful are those who carry all three archetypes.

[00:08:19]The maiden, still curious, sexy, and playful. The mother, still caring, and generous. and the matriarch who has finally arrived to embody them both with her wisdom and experience. That's a whole woman integrated and complete. And it has nothing to do with physical youth, perky boobs, or flawless skin.

[00:08:42]Your husband doesn't want a younger version of you, by the way. He wants the woman you are now. The one who can still laugh, play, and flirt, who loves and cares fiercely, and who's grown in wisdom and depth in ways your 25year-old self never could have. Don't let menopause take you down. Don't abandon fun, connection, and play. Don't leave your husband out in the cold. Don't become the cliche, angry, menopausal Karen who makes everyone's life a misery. And don't become the older, lifeless couple you see in restaurants with nothing to say to each other because their bond only exists through law and circumstance.

[00:09:28]Find a way through that you can look back on with a sense of achievement. And to do that, you have to put sex where it belongs, at the heart of your marriage.

[00:09:37]If anything in this video's resonated and you'd like to talk to someone, I've got a wonderful therapist on my team called Marika. She specializes in relationships and intimacy and she's been married for 30 years herself. I'll link to her booking page below. If you enjoyed this video, you might also enjoy this one where I talk about female libido in a little more depth. If you enjoy these kinds of conversations, please do subscribe. It really makes a difference and it's how the channel grows. I'll see you next week. In the meantime, to yourself and to others, tell the truth.