READ THE DEATH OF IVAN ILYICH WITH ME

[00:00:00]What's good everybody? It's your boy Big Nate. Welcome back to Big Nate's Book Reviews, home of the best book reviews.

[00:00:04]And as you can see, today we got a dope ass video lined up. The long story short of it is lately I feel like I have not been reading as much as I want to. I've had a ton of school work, ton of life stuff, but things have at long last settled down a little bit and I want to kind of usher in the new era by just sitting down in one sitting. Maybe not one sitting, but in just one day. I'm about to sit down right now and just read the whole story. Death of Ivan Ilitch by Leo Toltoy. That folks is the game plan for this video. You already know I got my hot cup of Joe.

[00:00:33]You already know I got the doobie.

[00:00:35]Although I'mma wait. It's a little early in the morning, so I'm going to just set this aside for now. But you already know we going to spark that in the video. And then [ __ ] without further ado, let's get into the book. But first, I actually would be remiss if I did not show the Big Nate gang. I got my first tattoo, y'all. So, I got to let you see. It's the Ora Boros of, of course, the classic, the cycle of life. And of course, you know, we got the Iliad quote, like the generations of leaves, the lives of mortal men. So, you know, of course, I I had to show the Big Net Gang the new tattoo. But without further ado, let's go ahead and get to the book review.

[00:01:07]You already know I annotate. Shout out to Pilot Precise V5. Hardest pen out there. Let's go.

[00:01:15]It's funny. All right, I'm already talking too much, but the thing that my girl underlined and just already kind of in the story is the death of Ivan Ilich is already announced. I don't think that's a spoiler. It's kind of the name.

[00:01:25]And everyone's first reaction is basically just how it affects them. On receiving the news of Ivan Ilich's death, the first thought of each of the gentlemen in that private room was of the changes in promotions it might occasion among themselves or their acquaintances. And everybody's thinking about what this means for themselves, but out loud they're saying like, "Man, what a pity. What a pity." So, it's interesting too because again already there's the theme of like this death of Ivan Ilich interpreted in how it affects them cuz like basically is already inconveniencing people. Peter Ivanovich, for instance, has to sacrifice his usual nap and he's made a mess of things. It says, but there's also this part that I like where everyone immediately thinks like it is he who is dead and not I. He's dead, but I'm alive. And his so-called friends could not help thinking also that they would now have to fulfill the very tiresome demands of propriety by attending the funeral service and paying a visit of condolence to the widow. So already, it's almost just like the inconvenience of a death. Honestly, it kind of reminds me of, you know, you're sitting in traffic and it's like, "Oh my god, this [ __ ] sucks." And you pass by and there's just like a brutal accident and like, you know, somebody's whole life just got [ __ ] up. And to you, it's just an an inconvenience. I don't know. It reminds me of that a little bit. But all right, I'm going to lock back in.

[00:02:46][ __ ] While we're here and while we're talking, I think I'm just going to be doing this like throughout the book, just saying anything that comes into my mind. But I just really love this. I feel like this is a classic little Toltoy kind of descriptive. He was much changed and had grown ever thinner since Peter Ivanovich had last seen him. But as is always the case with the dead, his face was handsomemer and above all more dignified than when he was alive. Also, it's occurring to me, I don't think I've ever like seen the the face of a dead person, of a real dead person. I've been to funerals and whatnot, but there's never been like a open casket. So, I honestly don't think I've ever laid eyes on an actually dead person, which is just I don't know. It's an interesting little factoid.

[00:03:26]And even this, just on the face, it says, "Besides this, there was in that expression a reproach and a warning to the living. This warning seemed to Peter Ivanovich out of place, or at least not applicable to him. He felt a certain discomfort and so hurriedly crossed himself once more and turned and went out the door. But I love this idea of like the the expression of a dead person being a reproach and a warning basically being this is going to happen to you too. And already earlier with the you know oh it he died but I didn't die.

[00:03:56]It's the same idea. The Peter Ivanovich who was just kind of the character who we're seeing a lot of this take place through. He thinks you know it's not applicable to him. This this fact of death it doesn't mean anything for him.

[00:04:07]But yet he gets this discomfort being in the presence in the reproach and the warning and then he basically just crosses himself and books it because I think deep down he knows that there is this nagging feeling that death is in fact a fact for him.

[00:04:24]Yeah, that's another thing too. There are at least Peter is already thinking about like how and where they're going to start playing cards and bridge that same night. But like he's in the presence of death and he's already thinking like h we we playing cards though or what like literally there's a the widow basically takes him away and he gets this playful look from buddy from somebody that says that does it for our bridge don't object if we find another player perhaps you can cut in when you escape said this other dude's playful look. So again, all of this in the wake of the death and they're just like worried about like how can I avoid this [ __ ] so I can start playing bridge.

[00:05:03]Another thing too that we're learning from the widow is that Ivan Ilitch suffered horribly. He screamed unceasingly, not for minutes but for hours. For the last 3 days he screamed incessantly. It was unendurable. I could not understand how I bore it. You could hear him three rooms off. Oh what I have suffered. So already it's interesting.

[00:05:22]She's talking about how she suffered, but also I don't when I pictured the calm, dignified face of the corpse of Ivan Ilich, I it, you know, you don't, it seemed almost peaceful in a sense and like his expression had kind of settled and again he had that dignity, but to learn that he had been just screaming in agony for the last 3 days is uh, you know, put puts things into a into a new context. And meanwhile, nobody actually gives a [ __ ] about Ivan Ilas. him as a person and grief over him seems to be the last thing on anyone's mind. Even the widow, she's crying and stuff, but like for instance, when someone comes and tells her how much the coffin cost, it says she stopped weeping and looking at Peter Ivanovich with the air of a victim remarked in French that it was very hard for her and she she's doing these weird things where she can kind of just like seem to stop crying on command. So even even the wife seems to have which we'll we'll give her we'll call it a yellow flag but what's coming out to me immediately is the fact that Ivan Ilitch is not the center of this like him as a person and his death and his passing is like I said seems to be the the last thing on everyone's mind or at least is just treated like this inconvenience that needs to be gotten over with. So Peter the one who is like kind of not been giving a [ __ ] It says, "The thought of the sufferings of this man he had known so intimately, first as a merry little boy, then as a schoolmate, and later as a grown-up colleague, suddenly struck Peter Ivanovich with horror despite an unpleasant consciousness of his own and this woman's dissimulation." But he thinks to himself here, 3 days of frightful suffering and then death.

[00:06:54]"Why, that might suddenly at any time happen to me," he thought. And for a moment, he felt terrified. But again, this kind of denial of death, but he did not himself know how. But this customary reflection at once occurred to him that this had happened to Ivan Ilitch and not to him and that it should not and could not happen to him and that to think that it could would be yielding to depression which he ought not to do. And basically he just finds a way to kind of ride it off. But I I feel like already looming over this whole story for Peter Ivanovich, but then also simultaneously for the reader is the fact of death and that it might strike you down at any time. And it seems like Peter here is in denial of that fact or does not want to uh confront the you know the existential circumstance of our lives which is that again we will die.

[00:07:46]Ain't no way, bro. That he finished the the service and like basically hurried his way out and the coachman is asking where too, sir. And he says, "It's not or he thinks to himself, it's not even too late now. I'll call around Fedora Vasilich." And basically, he drives around to uh play the bridge game. And he found them finishing the first rubber so that it was quite convenient for him to cut in. So, bro went straight to the bridge game and got to playing. Okay, next chap. First sentence of the next chapter already a banger. Ivan Ilich's life had been most simple and most ordinary and therefore most terrible to Tulsa knows how to write a good first sentence on a carina you know all happy families are the same but every unhappy family is unique in its own way I feel like you know the similar vibes here I mean so far it's kind of just talking about the life of Ivan Ilich and who he actually was and I'm just getting the vibe he was just a goodnatured cheerful average dude Dude, I mean, there's that first line was most simple and most ordinary and therefore most terrible. It doesn't seem that terrible yet, but he does seem like a most simple and most ordinary kind of person, which might speak and kind of act like a mirror which reflects like, you know, he's like he's just an average dude basically. And Ivan Ilish, this average person who just was kind of going through life normally, we know already by now has those, you know, few days of just he gets struck with a sickness and then he's bedridden and then dies in horrible agony. Again, just pointing to the possibility that it doesn't even need to be somebody who's living this crazy out there wild life or anything that you could just be it could just be an average Ivan Ilage.

[00:09:27]Honestly, a lot of this so far is kind of just given like the crash course of Ivan Ilich's life and it's good, but honestly, I don't find it particularly compelling. It's just kind of like, you know, breezing through. I think it's giving the impression that this is somebody who like lived a full life, but like I said, the writing isn't crazy amazing or anything. It's just it's just, you know, I'm not I'm not mad about it, but it's not it's not speaking to me in that in that way that Toltoy usually does. At least this part right here kind of going through um Ivan's life. But it's not it's not bad. It's definitely not bad.

[00:10:02]Yeah, I'm not going to lie. This whole part about like Ivan Ilage's life and he's working his way up in his career and he's got this relationship with his wife and he's getting a house and everything. Honestly, I'm I'm I'm not I'm not impressed. It's cool or whatever, but I'm ready if it feels like nothing's really happening. I mean, I get it. We got to learn about Ivan Ich's life, but it's just very like matterof fact. like he's just kind of like reporting and talking about the things that he did in his life. So, it's cool.

[00:10:30]It's cool. I'm not mad, but again, it's it's not it's not speaking to me quite like that. But let's see where it goes.

[00:10:41]Also, it looks like Ivan Ilish, he loves playing bridge. Interestingly, it was his greatest pleasure was playing bridge. So, maybe we'll get a call back with the uh Peter guy.

[00:10:53]And it's worth noting too that at this point like Ivan Ilich is his life is quite put together. Like he has a he has a very nice job. He has a house that he loves and he throws parties just like everybody else throws parties. They have their own little circle of friends. The kids are going to school. Him and his wife aren't beefing as much as they usually do. So they lived and all went well without change and life flowed pleasantly. Of course, we know what is to come, but they he's definitely built it up to the point where Ivania he made it. He made it. He's got everything that someone like himself would want in life.

[00:11:25]And again, it's all flowing, going well without change, and life flows pleasantly. So, let's see what happens next. Uh-oh. Okay, we're already Look, the ne first sentence of the next section. They were all in good health.

[00:11:37]It could not be called ill health if Ivan Ilitch sometimes said he had a queer taste in his mouth and felt some discomfort in his left side. And I think that's the beginning seeds of the sickness that is soon to befall him.

[00:11:51]Yeah, basically the pain is already getting worse and more is making him more irritable and grumpy. And his irritability became worse and worse and began to mar the agreeable, easy and correct life that had established itself in the Golivan family.

[00:12:07]Damn. All right. So, yeah, Ivan Ilich is just getting more and more irritable presumably of because of whatever sickness is coming on to him. And they begin they begin beefing a lot more. And there's a line here. She began to wish he would die, yet she did not want him to die because then his salary would cease. And this irritated her against him still more. Already she's already like thinking in terms of how his death would affect her. And that puts the whole earlier stuff of like she's low-key like trying to finesse me in in during the wake kind of thing. It would put that into some more context. But yeah, this this sickness seems to be falling on Ivan. It's making him more irritable and it seems like his perfect little life is starting to kind of unravel a bit. But let's see where it goes.

[00:12:53]Again, too, there's this theme of like indifference. Like for you, what's the most important thing in the world is totally inconsequential to others. From the doctor summing up, Ivan Ilage concluded that things were bad, but that for the doctor and perhaps for everybody else, it was a matter of indifference, though for him it was bad. And related to that too is like there's something that happened earlier in his life which was which to him felt like just the greatest injustice of all and what was so frustrating is that no one actually seemed to care. And this is like I feel like something we all experience in our own daily life where there's something that to you is just is your entire world and there is a sort of cold indifference from the outside world. But of course this also goes in the opposite direction. Like how many times have I been walking and I see like you know a homeless dude just totally strung out at the absolute rock bottom of his like for him and or whoever they are in their life that is you know the most important thing but to me I just keep walking forget about it you know the the instant that I pass and this is kind of like the dilemma I feel like of everybody's life is you know for you you're the main character and everybody else's side characters but that's the case for everybody and so when something like this happens and you become dreadfully sick and your own doctor and certainly the rest of the world doesn't seem to care. There is something kind of crushing about that.

[00:14:11]So, let's let's see where he continues to take that.

[00:14:17]It's worth noting too that that illness just came out of nowhere. Like it started with just like again a queer taste in the mouth and like this dull ache in his side, but it's steadily getting worse and he's starting to get like this really apprehensive feeling about it. But it it's worth mentioning that that there was no event that took place. Nothing happened. He just kind of woke up one day and and has like this what seems to be just like a light nagging pain which is beginning to fester and become something more serious. And again, I think we all see where this is going. But it goes to show that it can happen. I always think of that phrase from Joan Ddion in the year of magical thinking. It it all happens in the inst in the ordinary incident cuz that's when her her husband had a heart attack at like in the middle of dinner she was asking what kind of wine he wants. Boom heart attack. You know, life can come to death. You know, death can come in that in that most ordinary instant.

[00:15:12]I'm going to go piss and you know I'm still going to read, bro.

[00:15:23]I like this line, too. The progress of his disease was so gradual that he could deceive himself when comparing one day with another. The difference was so slight. But when he consulted the doctors, it seemed to him that he was getting worse and even very rapidly.

[00:15:38]Yet, despite this, he continually consulted them. So, we're starting to see things again spiral out in terms of his health and therefore the rest of his life. Because that's another thing like we've talked about already like the the suddenness with which death can arrive, but it's also true just in general your life could be just on the right track and something even if it's not necessarily death per se could just instantly change everything. And I feel like every one of us watching has had some event in life that does that where it's just you're going about your life and then some random you get some random piece of news or something happens to you that just that just changes everything forever again in that in that ordinary instant.

[00:16:19]But yeah, no it's it's getting to a point now he says there was no deceiving himself. Something terrible new and more important than anything before in his life was taking place within him of which he alone was aware. Those about him did not understand or would not understand it, but thought everything in the world was going on as usual. That tormented Ivan Ilitch more than anything. The fact that like his world is crashing down. All all we know is our own individual lives and when something enters and changes the scape of it and such that you know things are going really bad like we are in extreme pain or sickness and basically our lives are in some sense being ruined. There's there is something very frustrating about the fact that everyone out in the world aside from like you know your close circle and even within your close circle like there's there's nothing quite as intimate as you being like dreadfully sick. But the fact that the world is just, you know, so indifferent to it. I feel like I had a similar feeling when a few months ago my dog passed away and it's like, you know, it obviously very deeply affected me and my girlfriend and the people close around me, but I remember just going on walks and I'm like, you know, I'm I'm balling my eyes out and [ __ ] and it's just like you just see everyone just going about their day, going about their day, going about their business, you know, I'm driving in my car like, you know, excuse me, losing my [ __ ] and then it's just like it's just the whole world is just going on as if like something deeply important to me is not [clears throat] I'm I'mma just get back to it before I uh [laughter] you get it. You get it. Another part here is basically his family is almost like annoyed at him for having like this sickness. He saw that his household, especially his wife and daughter who were in a perfect whirl of visiting, did not understand anything of it and were annoyed that he was so depressed and so exacting as if he were to blame for it.

[00:18:11]Though they tried to disguise it, he saw that he was an obstacle in their path and that his wife has adopted a definite line in regard to his illness. And basically, he's becoming a burden to his family. So, I can definitely feel Ivan's frustration like, you know, he's built this whole beautiful life up, this nice, clean, simple life, and then something comes up out of nowhere and just begins to creep its way into his life and and tear apart the whole thing. and now his wife, his own daughter are basically, you know, finding him in his sickness and his illness to be a burden. And the the whole thing is just starting to kind of crash and crumble down.

[00:18:49]And we're starting to see now too kind of a call back of what took place at the beginning of his book when people reacted to his death at the law courts.

[00:18:57]Too, Ivan Ilitch noticed or thought he noticed a strange attitudes towards himself. It sometimes seemed to him that people were watching him inquisitively as a man whose place might soon be vacant. So again, he's dealing with like this existential threat to his life. And what is all the more frustrating to him is the fact that people just don't seem to care. Not only they are they indifferent, but at this point they're actively like, you know, pocket watching like when is when is bro going to die so that I can, you know, take his place or at least that's his suspicion. But because we know what happened at the beginning of the book, that was exactly right. They find out about his death and each of them already thinks like how can they how does this affect them in terms of their own position and can they get a promotion and what does this mean? Can they put on some acquaintances, right? A place as far as they're concerned a pos a great position in the court just opened up. Not the death of Ivan Ilage.

[00:19:48]It's a little thing, but basically he's playing bridge, of course, classic, and he gets just a fire hand. And this is something that should would normally make him, you know, bring him delight and bling him bring him pleasure. But suddenly, Ivan Ilitch was conscious of that gnawing pain, that taste in his mouth. And it seemed ridiculous that in such circumstances, he should be pleased to make a grand slam. It's the great perspective of death. Like I actually feel like this is a good thing to always just keep in mind yourself is, you know, whenever something's going on in life and something's really bugging you and and stressful, just like remember you're going to die. Like this this whatever is bothering you really for the most part is probably just totally inconsequential. And similarly like with what we consider to be pleasures and delights. It's like he gets an amazing hand at bridge, but he's basically like it to him it just seems ridiculous and absurd that that's something that should actually bring him joy when he's starting to make his way to death's door. And he actually goes on to somehow fumble the hand and he notices that his buddy is super upset and he finds within himself this was upsetting for him because he didn't actually care that his friend was upset because he he and he doesn't care because he it was dreadful to realize why he did not care. That is to say again, he's at death's store. And then like after this, everyone can kind of tell something's wrong with him and there's like this gloom that just follows falls down over the over the whole table. And eventually they have supper and went away and Ivan Ilich was left alone with the consciousness that his life was poisoned and was poisoning the lives of others and that this poison did not weaken but penetrated more and more deeply into his whole being. This is that Tulsaway writing that I I live for. I just love that image and just like that despair of of this poison, whatever it is, this increasingly increasingly nagging, gnawing disease that's, you know, eating him alive and people are going about their lives.

[00:21:39]They're even kind of making jokes about it, I think, in a light-hearted levity kind of way. But, you know, even they can't play they can't even play bridge without this gloom infecting everything and just everything it seems like that once brought Ivan Iliot's joy in life is slowly being sapped away by this disease. So, and you know, we're not even at the point where he's screaming in agony for 3 days on his death. And again, all of this just came out of nowhere. So, you know, it's it this book is definitely starting to hit. We got like maybe 30 pages left. So, I'm I'm curious to see where this goes.

[00:22:15]Yeah. And I feel like see now now we're getting to the crux of the thing. Now we're getting into the into that real Toltoy rhythm and he's thinking to himself like B he's having this realization. It's not a question of his appendix or his kidney but of life and death. Yes, life was there and now it is going going and I cannot stop it. Yes, why deceive myself? Isn't it obvious to everyone but me that I'm dying and that it's only a question of weeks, days? It may happen this very moment. There was light and now there is darkness. I was here and now I'm going there. Where? And you know this chill comes over him and he's just laying in bed and he's just real I think he's realizing here for the first time that he is about to face death. He says when I am not what will there be? There will be nothing. Then where shall I be when I am no more? Can this be dying? No, I don't want to. and he jumps up and he tries to light a candle and everything. But I love that when I am not, what will there be? That is to say, when I'm dead, you know what comes after? And that there basically is just going to be this great wall abyss of of nothingness. What's the use? He says, it makes no difference. Death.

[00:23:23]Yes, death. And none of them know or wish to know it. And they have no pity on me. Now they are playing cuz they can he can hear in the distance that they're, you know, just having a grand old time in the in the other room. It's all the same to them, but they will die too. Fools. I first and they later, but it will be the same for them. And now they are married, the beasts. And this is kind of almost bringing it out directly. Like the implied kind of message here is that if it can happen to Ivan, this everyday average man who live was living by all accounts a good normal life. If it can happen to him, then it can happen to you. It's all the same to them, but they will die to fools. I first and they later. And of course again I interpret that in the sense that that also they're they're talking to the reader. You know I first Ivan but then you too me reading this and also you watching this death too will also come to our door at some point. Anger choked him and he was agonizingly unbearably miserable. It is impossible that all men have been doomed to suffer this awful horror. And I feel like that is a great kind of statement about the tragedy of you know our existence.

[00:24:29]I really like this part too. The the syllogism he had learned from Keys Wedder's logic, Kais is a man, men are mortal, therefore Kais is mortal, had always seemed to him correct as applied to Kais, but certainly not as applied to himself. And I feel like we've heard that the idea it's like a logical structure, right? I heard it like Socrates is a man, all men are mortal, therefore Socrates is mortal. Like it's a logical deduction. But I love this aspect too because he says, you know, certainly that applied to Kais, but it did not apply to myself. That is to say, there's almost like this defiance of logic like yes, I am a man and yes, all men are mortal, but it never seemed to apply to me. And I feel like that is something that all of us have. We all kind of implicitly deny the fact of death, which is illogical cuz we know that it's true. And yet, you know, if you think about it, that should be the one thing that is all consuming in our mind. We don't know how much longer we have left to live where there could be some, you know, freak accident. Death should always, I think, be at the forefront of our mind if you think about it logically. But we all kind of think, you know, diseases, car accidents, freak things that occur, all of that is stuff that happens to somebody else, right?

[00:25:41]That's something that was literally mentioned in the beginning of the book.

[00:25:44]The death of Ivan Ilitch, you know, he was the one that died, not me. And I'm really liking this story because it's giving the perspective of somebody realizing the reality of it kind of crushing in like no you are going to die and not only that you are actively dying right now and this kind of like refusal of the logic right you know the that applies to Kais but not to me. Kais is this abstract idea right it the the logic of death is abstract but we we are actual you know creatures. He had been little Vana with a mama and a papa with Micha and Voloya with the toys and a coachman and a nurse. Afterwards with Katena and with all the joys, griefs and delights of childhood, boyhood, and youth. What did Kais know of the smell of that striped leather ball Vana had been so fond of? Had Kais kissed his mother's hands like that? And did the silk of her dress rustle so for Kais?

[00:26:35]Kais really was mortal, and it was right for him to die. But for me, little Vana, Ivan Ilitch, with all my thoughts and emotions, it's altogether a different matter. It cannot be that I ought to die. That would be too terrible. And I feel like this right here is just again a perfect representation of the human irrationality in the sense that we don't think it could ever happen to us with, you know, it's, you know, it's actually happening here. And and this is is something that for him is just too terrible to even conceive of. And of course, what he's conceiving of is the human condition, which applies, of course, to all of us. If I had to die like Kais, I should have known it was so. An inner voice would have told me so. But there was nothing of the sort in me. And I and all my friends felt that our case was quite different from that of Kais. And now here it is, he said to himself. It can't be. It's impossible, but here it is. And I love this idea.

[00:27:26]You know, there should have been a voice telling him, right? So why is he just now finding out about death? And this is very similar to Levven kind of his existential crisis in Ada Corarenina where he very similar to the themes in the death of Ivan Ilich realizes that he is going to die and he he has that once he sees I think it was like his brother but he sees him on his deathbed and then he realizes it's going to happen to me and he basically feels almost slighted like how come how come no one told me about this? How come we have not been acting like this is not the most important thing in the world? And there is something very human about it. Like you know when was the last time that you really really fully understood that you are going to die. Like what you feel right now will one day dissolve into a nothingness. When was the last time you really considered that? And how long are you going to go in life before you realize like Ivan Ilitch here that there would there should have been that voice telling you in your head the whole time that you're going to die and that life is limited. because if you had been listening to that voice, maybe you would be listen living your life in a different way. So, I am already I'm I'm thoroughly [ __ ] with this right now and can can't wait to continue reading.

[00:28:34]And basically, he's trying now to hide back in his denial. He tried to get back into the former current of thoughts that had once screamed the thought of death from him. And I think all of us live in that current of thoughts where we we really don't think about it that often.

[00:28:49]But Ivan Ilich, of course, faced with this illness, this gnawing, progressively worsening illness. It's something that he he can no longer afford to, you know, refuse to acknowledge. And he's trying to get back into that current of thoughts. But what's really speaking to me here is that all of us now, even if we're not immediately sick, for all intents and purposes, we have a disease. A disease just of life in the sense that we are, we don't know the expiration date, but we are going to die. And we live in this current of thoughts that screams the thought of death. Normally, this is something we all avoid. And the only reason Ivan is confronting it right now is cuz it's something that is continually rearing its head. It has like this italics. It would come and stand before him and look at him and he would be petrified and the light would die out of his eyes and he would again begin asking himself whether it alone was true. It's like this capital I italicized it. It being death.

[00:29:45]Ooh, I love this, too. And what was worst of all was that it drew his attention to itself. Not in order to make him take some action, but only that he should look at it. Look it straight in the face. Look at it and without doing anything suffer inexpressively, cuz he's doing everything. He's visiting all these doctors. He's doing his medical uh prescription as best as he can, right? And and the thing that's so torturous about this is it's forcing him to to look at him but not so that he can do something so that there's some action he can take just simply so that he can just acknowledge it that is to say death's existence to look death straight in the face look at it and without doing anything suffer inexpressibly which again I do feel like is a great description of at least you know one part of the of the human condition if you really reflect on this it is absolutely tragic and does kind of make you suffer inexpressively the fact that all of this will will one day be gone.

[00:30:41]Yeah. And there's this element to it too where basically the event that messed up his like appendix or his liver or his kidney or whatever it is is he had kind of insisted on hanging up these curtains himself instead of letting like the handyman do it cuz he just wanted to attend to all the details. And basically he just slips and he kind of prided himself cuz he's like I'm athletic so that you know that could have killed someone but for me I just kind of like slammed into my side and and yeah it hurt but I'm all good. And he's realizing kind of doing the post-mortem autopsy so to speak that it had all begun once he had fallen from the curtains and you know slammed into his side. And it's this this idea he says it really is so. I lost my life over that curtain as I might have done when storming a fort. Is that possible? how terrible and how stupid. It can't be true. It can't. But it is. And it's just this idea too that he is dying over something as ridiculous as just he was hanging up curtains that he insisted on doing himself and he, you know, and he just falls and bumps himself. And he thought like, man, you know, if someone was less athletic, less reflexive, they might have died right there. But he, in some sense, he did die right there because that was the beginning of the end, so to speak. And it's kind of the existentialism, absurdism, the idea that something as brilliant and grand as as life could really be all end over over some curtains. It's just it's it's tragic really. And on and throughout this whole thing, he's just getting more and more sickly. Like his brother-in-law visits and is like you can just tell he's visibly like, "Damn, bro, you are [ __ ] up." And he overhears him in the other room saying that like practically that dude is a dead man. And he's just he's noticing that everyone all around him is looking at him with this question of just basically when he's going to die, when the place is going to become vacant, and when he will release the living from the discomfort caused by his presence and be himself released from his sufferings.

[00:32:37]There's something interesting going on here, too, where there's like basically like a house servant named Garassim, and Ivan Ilage is basically just taking a a great pleasure and comfort with with his presence. And it seems like Jurassim here is one of the only people who is, you know, sincerely interested in making sure that Ivan Ilich is comfortable. And he basically just, you know, he feels a little bashful about it, but Ivan Ilich asks him if if he'll stay and and basically like hold up his legs, hold him up cuz he feels comforted. And I don't know, this is like one of the first tender moments I feel like that I've seen with Ivan Ilich and and somebody else. And I think it's because he is, you know, in this very unabashed sincere way just wanting to make sure that Ivan Ilich is comfortable. And that's something that I feel like his family, his even his wife and his daughter, um, haven't haven't exactly done in the way that he's doing it right now.

[00:33:28]And there's something interesting too that I feel like is an extension of what we've been talking about where he's starting to really loathe this deception that's taking place that they're not wishing to admit what they all knew and what he knew but wanting instead to lie to him concerning his terrible condition and wishing and forcing him to participate in that lie. Those lies were a terrible agony for Ivan Ilitch. And it's just it's also reminiscent of just this denial of death. Like everybody can see he's on his way out. the doctors, the family, and yet they're having this charade that it's like, oh, if you just keep taking treatment and if you just get a lot of rest, eventually, you know, you'll get better. It's it's even it even when it's right on their doorstep.

[00:34:09]And you know, the the people nearest Ivan Ilitch and when he himself has come to terms with it, they are also in this kind of denial of death that he was in in some sense because they're just refusing to acknowledge that that's actually happening. Because if that was what was happening and and they acknowledge that, then they might be having different conversations. They might they'd be behaving totally different, but instead they're kind of like shutting him off and just insisting that he continue his treatment and just avoiding the fact that is just staring glaringly at everybody's face. He saw that no one felt for him because no one even wished to grasp his position. Like they're not fully identifying with him and not pitying him, but you know, sympathizing with him. They're not doing any of that because they're refusing to actually acknowledge what what's happening here. And I think Garassim is the reason he's such a comfort to Ivan Ilich is because he's the only one that's you know realizing understanding and treating it as such that his master Ivan Ilich is is on his deathbed.

[00:35:06]It's very sweet to this grass character like he he Ivan Ilich wants him to like support his legs and he'll do it at some time at some point he'll do it all night long and he refuses to go to bed saying don't you worry Ivan Ilitch I'll get some sleep enough later on or later he'll kind of exclaim if you weren't sick it would be another matter but as it is why should I grudge a little trouble he's basically saying like you know you're going to die I can do all this stuff later like don't even stress about it man let me let me just comfort you and there's something very sweet about this relationship between Ivan Ilitch and this grass house servant.

[00:35:41]Yeah, look, I love this. He even said straight out, "We shall all of us die, so why should I grudge a little trouble?" expressing the fact that he did not think his work burdensome because he was doing it for a dying man and hoped someone would do it the same for him when his time came. So, Grassim is the only one here facing the actual reality of the situation. And because of that, you know, he's he's taking great comfort. He's not being deceptive. He's not putting on the charade. He's just being all the way. He's just being 100 with his master and it's just like you're going to die. We're all going to die. So what what's a little trouble to me, you know? It's it's totally fine.

[00:36:14]And it's just there's something very sweet and wholesome about the whole thing. It's also sad too because apart from this lying and what torments Ivan Ilage most too is that no one pies him as he wishes to be pied and he almost wants to be kind of fawned over and petted and comforted because you know he's he's dying and that is that is a pitiful scary terrifying experience. So, at some level, he wants to, you know, he wants to be comforted because he's dying, but because no one's acknowledging it. He's he's just he's not getting any of that love or affection that that he yearns for and that we all yearn for. Like, you know, whenever you're sick, like there's the one consolation is that hopefully you have someone around that can kind of, you know, help you and and make you food and get you blankets and, you know, do all that good stuff. And and he's he's missing out. That's the part of him that, you know, wants to be pied. Even though he says he would never admit it, but that's something that torments him is that, you know, no one seems to be taking this seriously and giving him essentially, you know, love, love, and care.

[00:37:18]I love this line, too. His life is just becoming like just an absol It's becoming pitiful. It's becoming like pathetic. And he says, "If only it would come quicker." If only what would come quicker? Death, darkness? No. No.

[00:37:31]Anything rather than death? So, it's like this back and forth like it's the it's the one most dreaded thing, but then his life is also becoming intolerable and just like how sickly and incapacitated and in pain he is. So, it's just it's it's this tension. If only it would come quicker. Wait, if only what comes quicker? Death? No, anything but death.

[00:37:55]I really like this, too. We're getting some classic existentialism here where basically everybody leaves at some point and he's by himself and he just falls to weeping like a child. He wept on account of his helplessness, his terrible loneliness, the cruelty of man, the cruelty of God, and the absence of God.

[00:38:13]Why hast thou done all this? Why hast thou brought me here? Why? Why dust thou torment me so terribly? He did not expect an answer and yet wept because there was no answer and could be none.

[00:38:24]And I feel like this is the question, the big question of why, like why is there all this pain and suffering? Why did he have to fall from the curtains and hit himself in his whole life just, you know, fall apart into shreds? And his answer is very much the one that comes to mind, right? He did not expect an answer at all because there could and would be no answer. And yet that itself makes him weep all the more. Like there is no why, right? This is at least one existentialist take is that it's all it's all random. It's all absurd. It's all chaos. And this that's just the way that life is. That's the way the cookie crumbles. And there is a sort of meaninglessness. Like you're telling me my whole life, my whole beautiful life is over because of some dumbass curtains. It just it just begs the question why. Like there has to be some kind of reason like maybe I did something bad in my earlier my days or I I was doing something immoral and this is God striking me down. But no, Ivan lived a totally normal life and you know this befell him for apparently no reason at all. And then two, he's like recalling some of what he thought were the best moments of his life. He he he's entering like this delirious state where there's like an inner voice and he's actually having like a conversation with it. And it's like, you know, the the voice is asking, "What do you want? What do you want?" And he says, "To live to live how I used to live and have the, you know, to live well and pleasantly just like how I used to." And in imagination, he began to recall the best moments in his pleasant life. But strange to say, none of those best moments of his pleasant life now seemed at all what they had seemed, except for the ones, the first recollections of his childhood. And I think he's beginning to realize the kind of emptiness, the charade of what he thought would be conventionally considered to be a good and successful life. All of that, you know, in the face of death is is really meaningless. I was going up in public opinion, but to the same extent, life was ebbing away from me. And now it is all done and there is only death. That's some that's some hard [ __ ] right there.

[00:40:19]It can't be that life is so senseless and horrible. But if it really has been so horrible and senseless, why must I die and die in agony? And honestly, it kind of brings to mind someone like Schopenhower. This question of like why is there so much suffering in the world?

[00:40:33]And it's just it is suffering is just a fundamental part of existence. And it doesn't matter anything that you do of personal merit or responsibility or greatness. The end that Ivan Ilitch is befalling right now could again happen to anyone. And it does happen to in some sense, you know, everyone. Maybe I did not live as I ought to have done. It suddenly occurred to him. But how could that be when I did everything properly?

[00:40:56]He replied and immediately dismissed from his mind this the sole solution of all the riddles of life and death as something quite impossible. And this also gives me very much the vibes of you know the book of Job where Job he God inflicts upon Job every possible misery even though Job does every by all accounts does everything that God asked for and that's his big question to God you know why why are you doing this to me and you know in some sense there is no answer to the question of you know the story of Job that's one of the greatest you know questions contradictions dilemmas in all of Christianity which perhaps has never had a a true fulfilling answer and That's also just the nature it is with life.

[00:41:36]Why is life so full of misery and suffering and and depression and sadness and and why is it so pathetic? There there is no answer. There is no why. And that's also that is just, you know, part of the human condition. And that's very much I feel like one of the tenets of existentialist philosophy.

[00:41:54]There there's some straight fire. I'm not reading everything, but the writing now has just has been has been fire for for quite some time. This is this is a banger. Certified banger. All right. And since we are on the home stretch, I just got I think seven pages left to go. I'm going to take a little hit of the doo and then we can just, you know, discuss some final thoughts. So, I'm just going to finish this and let's go.

[00:42:16]That's crazy. So, basically like Ivan Ilage, his condition is just getting worsening, worsening more and more. He can't even get up off the sofa. And there's this inner voice that, you know, calls to him, "What is this? Can it be that this is death?" And the inner voice answered, "Yes, it is death." "Why these sufferings?" he asks. And the voice answered, "For no reason. They are just so." And I feel like that captures perfectly everything that we were just talking about. There is no reason. It is just so.

[00:42:44]Bro is cooking. That's all I got to say.

[00:42:46]Bro is cooking.

[00:42:49]I think it says he had but to call to mind what he had been three months before and what he was now to see just how far he just to see how hopeless his situation is. And it's cra I think this whole thing took takes place in the span of perhaps 3 months. I'm not quite sure.

[00:43:03]But it just goes to show how fast that that [ __ ] can just completely upend your life and you could die. It doesn't even need to be 3 months too. It could be week. It could be an instant. It could be an ordinary instant. You die. There is one bright spot there at the back at the beginning of life and afterwards all becomes blacker and blacker and proceeds more and more rapidly in inverse ratio to the square of the distance from death thought Ivan IA. That's just a crazy I could do work with that but let's I'm going just let it hang in the air. He even gives an example here of a stone falling downwards with increasing velocity just like you know this thing plummeting life a series of increasing sufferings flies further and further towards its end. The most terrible suffering of course death. It's crazy.

[00:43:49]Bro's cooking. Damn, bro. This shit's crazy.

[00:43:54]Wow. I was a little hesitant when he was just going through his life, but this is this is like primo Toltoy right here.

[00:44:02]This whole time he's been just like I said, asking why and just trying to think through. He said, "If only I could understand what it is all for, but that too is impossible. An explanation would be possible if it could be said that I have not lived as I ought to. But it is impossible to say that. And throughout this he he keeps coming back to the fact that he did everything correctly. He did everything as he should. But here on his deathbed he asks himself for the first time, what if my whole life has really been wrong? Because what he hates, he even just said it. Worse than the physical suffering is the mental suffering of all this falsity. the doctor still keeps coming and asking him questions and he just despises and loathes the falsalseness of everybody's nature. But in some sense, isn't isn't that what his whole life has been? Cuz he's continually just done the thing.

[00:44:48]He's he married, he says, just completely cuz it was convenient by chance. That's something I didn't mention, but like his whole marriage is just like, you know, eh why not? And his whole goal in life has just been to climb up the ranks and just to do everything of what, like I have been saying, seems superficially successful.

[00:45:03]But did he live his life how he wanted to do? These are the type of questions that Ivan Ilich and consequently you and me are going to have on our deathbeds.

[00:45:11]And you know this this is where I feel like philosophy really meets lifestyle.

[00:45:15]Like this this these are the kinds of insights that make me change how I live.

[00:45:19]So you know I'm I'm [ __ ] with this.

[00:45:24]He basically has this realization and this consciousness intensified his physical suffering tenfold. This idea that now that he is on his deathbed and he's done everything wrong, he's still there's no chance. Everything's about to over like you had your shot and you blew it. And that is what is is tormenting him right now. Tenfold makes the physical suffering tenfold.

[00:45:48]From that moment, the screaming began that continued for 3 days and was so terrible that one could not hear it through two closed doors without horror.

[00:45:57]That's a serious stuff right there.

[00:46:03]Damn.

[00:46:06]That was a crazy ending. I'm not going to go too much into that. It was like the writing and the experience of it itself. I think we've talked a lot about the ideas, but that was a beautifully beautifully written ending that just like elevated the whole thing. Um cuz I feel like overall my thoughts on this book, there's some obviously amazing ideas and philosophy about death, the character of Ivan Ilage and everything like that. But the beginning was a little slow. I was a little impressed, unimpressed, not going to lie. But I feel like this just got um progressively better and better and as you guys have seen throughout this little vlog has, you know, had me asking some some serious philosophical questions. And the end of that just I feel like hit me with such an emotional gut punch that this is um I feel like this this is one of them ones. Again, maybe a little bit of a slow start, but um I feel like this needs to be mandatory required reading.

[00:46:58]I'm I'm definitely going to be pondering on this for the rest of the day. And if you have this book, I recommend that you pick it up and read it. You can do it in one sitting just like me. I feel like we've talked a lot obviously about the themes and the plot and what goes on this book. We, you know, we I feel like we read this together, you and me. But just safe to say Toltoy has not missed.

[00:47:16]He is three for three. Anna Coranina, War in Peace, and now the death of Ivan Ilich are just um like just a set of books and literature and thoughts, ideas, writing that has, you know, truly changed my life. I feel like Toltoy, especially even after this one, Toltoy, he already was, but now he certainly definitely is one of my favorite writers of all time. And so that folks is a little bit about the death of Ivan Ilich. If you have read this, you already know what to do. Let me know in the comments. If you have any thoughts from watching this video, please let me know. In the meantime, get to my Instagram at big Nate's book reviews.

[00:47:51]We've been having motion there. I've been posting some little shorts, you know, been been doing some fun stuff.

[00:47:55]And get to the Big Nate Discord. If you got this far, you already know to hit the subscribe. I'm sure you have already. Also, hit that like. Thank you guys so much for watching Big Nights Book Reviews, home of the best book reviews.