I Gave My Pain to God — Everything Changed with Christine D'Clairo

Added: 2026-05-12

[00:00:00]The Bible says you ask and you don't receive because you ask wrong because you just don't know what to ask for. You need to sit with what hurts so that when you ask the Lord, "How am I going to fix this?" And then he brings people and resources into your life, you don't reject it. Whenever I'm out of character, I have to go and sit with it.

[00:00:16]Christine Declario is a Christian singer, >> songwriter, and worship leader known for her unfiltered honesty.

[00:00:22]>> Dr. Amen and Christine discuss the power of religion >> and how it can help heal your trauma.

[00:00:27]Most people will not enter the doors of an expert because they're too afraid of what they're going to hear and feeling that they have failed in some way to get there.

[00:00:38]>> It's the repressed rage that comes out in panic attacks, anxiety, eating disorders, >> which is exactly where I was. The lesson I learned in it when I came back was >> every day you are making your brain better or you are making it worse. Stay with us to learn how you can change your brain for the better every day.

[00:01:10]Are you excited to optimize your brain and help the brains of those you love?

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[00:02:17]And as a special offer just for our listeners, you can save 20% on your next course. Visit amanuniversity.com and use the code podcast 20.

[00:02:34]Christine Declario is a bilingual worship leader songwriter. Uh she's introduced to me by Danny >> Gouki.

[00:02:42]>> I'd love she's an author whose powerful voice and authenticity have impacted millions worldwide. Known for her passionate worship and honesty about her mental health journey, which we're going to talk about, Christine bridges the gap between spiritual devotion and emotional honesty. Her music has garnered hundreds of millions of streams as she's led worship across Latin America, the US, and beyond. Known for her powerful songs such as on her albums Eternal Live or L Novia, Christine inspires healing across cultures. Her album All That Remains, Hasta Podar, was born from her journey through postpartum depression and led to the launch of the Christine Declario Foundation. Her newest book, Healing in the Desert, went available nationwide on March 3rd, 2026. So, welcome.

[00:03:48]>> Thank you. I can't believe I'm here.

[00:03:50]I've been watching this show for a while.

[00:03:52]>> Well, thank you so much. Uh, and you know, we were just chatting about your postpartum depression >> and anxiety and almost led >> to psychosis. So, it was pretty serious.

[00:04:08]>> And >> being in the church, you wonder how do I balance this?

[00:04:14]>> And I went to medical school at Oral Roberts University in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and I loved it. Uh it's a Christian university so I got to learn medicine in the context of my faith and there was still that tension.

[00:04:27]>> Yeah.

[00:04:28]>> Uh >> fact when I told Oral Roberts I wanted to be a psychiatrist, he got mad at me.

[00:04:34]He was like I didn't create a medical school to create more psychiatrist because there's that tension >> between um evangelical Christianity >> and mental health.

[00:04:48]>> Yes. even though there shouldn't be. I'm on a mission to find out where did the cracks start that made the church or communities of faith be divorced from the issues of the mind when there are so many instances one of the most admonished issues in the Bible is renew your mind take care of your mind watch out what you think be intentional about meditating on this don't think about that focus on this you you'll have peace when you focus on this and not that. And for some reason, and I'm one of one of the reasons why I'm here is to investigate, okay, why can't science and faith cohabitate and glorify the Lord together as opposed to being at odds with each other. I've never really understood why. Well, and me neither in the sense that, you know, graduating from college and medical school and I'm also a child psychiatrist and an adult psychiatrist, >> nothing I have learned in science have has undermined my faith. In fact, it is always strengthened >> correct >> it. And because if you think we're here by random chance, >> the odds of that happening that you and I have eye contact and we have a relationship and that all that doesn't follow the second law of physics, which is entropy. Things go from order to disord.

[00:06:21]>> So, it's never bothered me. But I I think the problem was Freud and because Freud and others have called religion the opiate of the masses and many people have overmedicalized uh science and psychiatry >> and you know if they say your faith is a crutch well faith is not going to be very happy with that And uh but for me it makes sense. We're all whole people.

[00:06:58]>> We have a biology, >> we have a psychology, we have a social circle, >> and we have a soul. We have a spiritual circle. And all four work together all the time. It's what I learned at OU and it's what I believe day in and day out.

[00:07:14]And I mean it's if you from the scientific standpoint, a person that's in a bed but is brain dead is considered dead even though everything else else is functioning.

[00:07:26]From the spiritual standpoint, a person that does not surrender their mind along with everything else to the Lord is in essence dead.

[00:07:34]So I really want to find that happy medium where we can where we can all glorify the Lord with our gifts. And it doesn't have to be well science is not God or God is not science. I think science evidences that God is great.

[00:07:50]>> This isn't by random chance.

[00:07:52]>> Absolutely not.

[00:07:53]>> The world has a creative design god and our belief, >> but you still have a brain.

[00:08:00]>> Yeah.

[00:08:01]>> And it needs care. You can have a baby or you can have a miscarriage and all of a sudden your hormones get out of balance and even if you are walking closely with God, you can want to kill yourself, >> right? And that was my case through and through.

[00:08:20]>> So te tell me the story and why you think we met.

[00:08:24]>> Okay. Um so 2018 at my six week appointment I was being discharged by my midwives. Everything was functioning perfectly with my body. I had just pushed out a nine pound baby and my body had healed beautifully. Within two weeks, I was jumping up and down on a stage like nothing ever happened. But I felt issues with my brain. But there was a lot of shame attached to not understanding what was going on with my mind and feeling things that were wrong according to my faith-based formation.

[00:08:59]being sad all the time when I had two beautiful miracles cuz I couldn't have kids. I got healed by the Lord. Had two.

[00:09:06]I finally have them in my arms, but I'm feeling sad all the time. And then that sadness turned into uh a sense of self-loathing because I thought that I was being the biggest ingrate. I was supposed to be happy. Why was I sad? And then slowly hopelessness came in because I was like, "Okay, this cracked me somehow and I don't think I'm ever going to be the person that I was." So, my kids are going to be raised by a crazy woman. I was so stigmatized. I had no good terms for what I was going through.

[00:09:38]And so, then the the thought of suicide came in and I embraced it because I thought it was the only solution to be able to care for my children well if I was removed from their life permanently and it wasn't me, the damaged one, that was raising them.

[00:09:55]Glory to God. He intervened and my midwife who was highly discerning and very smart woman, she figured out something was going on in great part because she went through it and she was able to figure out the small little micro signs and she did an intervention on me, took me to therapy and it was in therapy that I started learning about my brain. I had done a lot of spiritual work but I had forgotten that I was faith-based. I was a faith leader, household name for a lot of people. And I had forgotten that we have to be integrated in all of our parts. I mean, the greatest commandment is love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength and others as yourself. Well, I wasn't loving myself cuz I wasn't taking good care of myself.

[00:10:40]Taking care of everybody, but not me.

[00:10:43]And the mind part was something that I just simply was oblivious to. Not because I wanted to, it's just because I was I wasn't taught that it was a thing that I needed to take care of. And so my therapist, who is very strong in her faith, but also brilliant at the brain, started slowly, you know, giving me seeds that I was able to cultivate into learning. And I have ADHD, so I hyperfocus and I love rabbit holes. So when I had a question about something, I would just deep dive into, okay, she mentions the word trauma a lot. What is trauma? So how how what is why is my body responding this way? And so just trying to figure myself out. What happens when I think about this a lot?

[00:11:27]Oh, what's what's neuroplasticity? Then I learned about uh Dr. Caroline Leaf and Switch on your brain and I read that book and devoured it in like four days and I learned about neuroplasticity for the first time. Okay. So, this actually does align with what the word of God says about our mind. So, there's more to this than simply going to the doctor and getting checked out and maybe leaving with an anti-depressant. There is more to >> forunate because most midwives, most >> psychiatrists, >> they'd go, "You're depressed."

[00:12:04]>> Uhhuh.

[00:12:04]>> Take an SSRI.

[00:12:06]>> Right.

[00:12:06]>> And it's way more complicated. way more complicated. I'm grateful that my therapist was able to mitigate my crisis with the basics first. She said, "We're not going to discard the possible need for medication, but first I need you to go to the basics. Let's go down the checklist. How much are you sleeping?" 2 hours a night. Well, that needs to change. I need you sleeping 8 hours within a 24-hour period. And I laughed in her face. I'm like, "How am I going to do that with a one-year-old and a newborn?" a lot of like figure it out.

[00:12:40]But if you don't want to die, >> did she get your husband involved?

[00:12:44]>> Oh, yes. Good.

[00:12:45]>> That was that was phase two.

[00:12:46]>> I think getting your family mobilized so important.

[00:12:54]>> Within 3 months, she got my husband involved. First it was, okay, what are you eating? How how much are you drinking? And how much are you sleeping?

[00:13:02]And it turns out turns out that all of that was out of whack. I fixed that and within two weeks I didn't have the urge to commit suicide anymore. So that was a plus. She said, "Let's hold off on the medication and let's keep exploring this route." It went well. Then within 3 months, she's like, "I want to see what your support system is like." So, can we bring in your husband and let's bring in the babies and let's meet them all. And she asked my husband two questions in session. The whole hour went by answering those two questions. And at the end, as sweet and gracious as she always is, she said, "Well, Carlos, I need to see you separately because you've endured a lot of trauma in your life that we need to heal. And by the way, I need to see you two as a couple because we've got to fix some stuff between you two that are not necessarily healthy." And that was the most beautiful, arduous journey that we each had to endure. And we have since graduated from all three levels of therapy and learned so much. And we're at a point now where we have these loaves and these fishes that have come out of our process. So how do we give it forth and help other people to find help? And that is why I'm here today because I don't think there is a more impactful voice to be able to educate us on the brain than you. So tell me your goal. So we'll do that. But what's your goal in coming and letting me evaluate you and scan you?

[00:14:37]>> Uh it's removing another layer of shame really. Most people will not enter the doors of an expert of any kind because they're too afraid of what they're going to hear and they're afraid of feeling that they have failed in some way to get there. But what I keep finding is most of my mental health tendencies I was born with.

[00:15:04]And this would be the first time where I actually see it visually that there is an actual analysis, physiological analysis within my body that I can see and I could like put a face to the name.

[00:15:17]But in every other assessment I've had, these are things that I either I was born with or trauma built it into me. And I've just turned into this person that I didn't understand much up until 3 or 4 years ago when I started actually not pushing against my own current, but like just embracing who I am and letting me be me and let just go let God flow through me as I am instead of wrestling with myself. That to me is a great part of loving myself so that I can love others well. And my goal is for other people to understand that. Yeah, sometimes we do make bad decisions and end up in bad predicaments, but sometimes we don't understand that it's just the way we're wired and we're trying to be someone else or conform to something else that is not who we are physiologically. And then from there stems so many other things.

[00:16:18]>> And if you never look at the brain, you never know. It becomes this huge sort of black box. But our work has shown it's not a black box and that you can understand it >> and make it better. So I had you fill out a lot of information. Oh my gosh.

[00:16:34]Yes.

[00:16:34]>> And then you talked to our historian and some of the things I took away from it.

[00:16:39]complex trauma which you talk about >> uh brain fog since the birth of your children and a lot of women talk about pregnancy dementia >> um lifelong ADHD symptoms so I want to learn more about that >> um we talked about the severe postpartum depression with suicidal ideiation >> and for everybody listening when because I've treated I don't know how many people are suicidal. I always lead with you think people would be better without you. That's a lie. That you would have gifted your children a 500% increased risk of them killing themselves. Wow.

[00:17:24]>> Because you're teaching them >> this is how grown-ups solve problems.

[00:17:30]You do not want to give them that option. And when you're depressed, it's like your brain gets in a tunnel and the tunnel has no windows and no doors.

[00:17:44]>> And so all you see is your pain and the pain you cause others.

[00:17:50]>> And you don't go, okay, if I do this, what are the generational consequences?

[00:17:58]So I make sure all of my patients know the generational consequences. And I think that's a very effective strategy.

[00:18:07]>> That's genius. I'd never heard it that way >> because it's like it's not just about me.

[00:18:12]>> Yeah.

[00:18:13]>> It's about generations >> of me. And the the better thing to do is to find out what's going on in your brain and to balance it because with a better brain always comes a better life.

[00:18:29]>> Yep.

[00:18:30]>> Right. Um, so you've had some panic attacks, some premenstrual >> irritability having five sisters and five daughters, people go, "Oh, PMS isn't real." I'm like, "You don't have my life."

[00:18:45]>> Oh, and with so many women when they sync up and like it all happens like cascading one after the other, a man has no rest.

[00:18:55]>> Deja vu, which I found really interesting. You've had a bunch of EMDR.

[00:19:01]Is that true?

[00:19:02]>> A little.

[00:19:03]>> A little.

[00:19:03]>> I've had a couple sessions of EMDR, but that's all it took.

[00:19:07]>> It's so powerful.

[00:19:09]>> I love EMDR. Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. One of the most powerful therapies to just sort of clean up >> the noise from the past. And what we see on scans is when you have complex trauma, brain is very busy, but EMDR calms it down.

[00:19:34]>> Um, tell me about the trauma.

[00:19:40]>> At the age of five, I survived sexual abuse.

[00:19:45]And it was it was strange because the way I remembered I had suppression of those memories cuz shortly after my father was gravely ill and then he passed away by the time I was 6 and 1/2. So not even a year and a half after that my dad passes away. My mom remarried rather quickly.

[00:20:07]Uh, unbeknownst to me, my father already knew he was terminal a couple years before he died. And they had had a discussion. I'm not going to be here very much longer. Let me just live in the house so that I don't miss out on whatever time I have left with the girls, but find a dad for my girls cuz I'm not going to be around. So, they did have an open relationship towards the end. And that's why my mom remarried rather quickly cuz everything was kind of set in place so we wouldn't miss a male figure in the house. Um, shortly after that, my stepfather knew that we weren't going to be in a great area in New York for much longer. So, he moved us from New York to Puerto Rico where it was kind of a safe haven. So, all of that kind of snowballed. So, it was big trauma at the beginning. Big trauma came second with the death of my father. My brain just absorbed the sexual trauma and then all of the getting used to this new place, new culture, new new family.

[00:21:13]It was very odd for me because I felt like the rug had been slipped from under me and it nobody ever put it back. So I felt like I was never at home anywhere.

[00:21:22]And then I've had this thing where I'm too white amongst the brown folks and I'm too brown amongst the white folks.

[00:21:27]So I never fit in. I hear that so much >> cuz I'm a I'm a middler. My father was white European descent. My mom is AfroCaribbean and very Latina and he was like very white. And so I have these both worlds within me that I can't I can't shut one off and turn the other one on depending on what part of the population I'm with.

[00:21:50]>> It is sort of cool though. It is cool now. And I know it's a really cool bridge because I mean I always have a great conversation starting >> growing up.

[00:21:58]>> Growing up it was hard because I was either too tall or too white or my hair was too blonde or my eyes were too green and it was I I had deformity in my teeth growing up. So my teeth would like come out of my mouth and I couldn't even like close my mouth for a closed mouth smile.

[00:22:15]All my school pictures I'm like trying to hide my teeth. So there was a lot of bullying that went down too for years.

[00:22:23]And so I just grew up believing that I was lesser than because I didn't have a father or because I was damaged goods or because I was just used to being rejected.

[00:22:35]And do you know that is the mother thought of suffering?

[00:22:41]>> I did not know that.

[00:22:42]>> I'm less than.

[00:22:43]>> Huh.

[00:22:43]>> And it's public knowledge. I've been Justin Bieber's doctor and I've been Miley Cyrus's doctor for a long time.

[00:22:50]And >> of all of some of the superstars I've seen, I am not enough.

[00:22:57]>> And I looked at one of them. I'm like, >> then who would be >> right?

[00:23:03]>> But that imposttor syndrome >> in large part social media is >> dramatically accelerated. Yes. that I'm not enough because we're all comparing ourselves amplification of >> other people. I'm the second son in a Lebanese family. Oh wow.

[00:23:22]>> And for a long time um >> like Prince Harry his book is called Spare.

[00:23:29]>> That's what I felt until I really got it. His book should have been called total freedom.

[00:23:34]>> Yeah.

[00:23:35]>> I can marry a Hollywood starlet and >> and just bail.

[00:23:38]>> Princess Will cannot.

[00:23:40]>> Right. I have total freedom to do anything I want where Will's path is this is your path, right? And for me, my dad owned grocery stores. That was my brother. He was going to be in the store, >> the air.

[00:23:55]>> And if you love that, that's awesome.

[00:23:58]>> But for me, no way.

[00:24:00]>> Right. But for me, it was total freedom.

[00:24:03]>> But I didn't embrace that. Right.

[00:24:05]Initially you embrace the you're second as opposed to you're free, >> right? Yeah, I get that. I was the firstborn, so all the pressure fell on me.

[00:24:17]>> I remember growing up being guilty for everything my siblings did. There was an instance and we we say it all the time and we laugh now. We grew up in Puerto Rico and sometimes we would lose power and sometimes the TV station would lose power and it would just go gray.

[00:24:34]Whenever that would happen, they would just scream my name, >> Christine, what did you do? I'm like, nothing. I don't control the TV station.

[00:24:44]But it was it was everybody's default name to like yell at Christine. There was a season where I wanted to change my name cuz I'm like, don't call my name anymore.

[00:24:53]>> How many siblings did you have?

[00:24:54]>> Two. Two. in the household. My sister who's 12 months younger than I and my brother who's 7 years younger than I.

[00:25:01]She is mother and father sibling. He is my stepdad's uh son. And so just growing up in that atmosphere, not knowing who I was or where I fit in was a common denominator throughout my life. Um then I had a a really rocky relationship in college. Um, I understand now that all of the love and affirmation that I needed from the male figure of my father that wasn't there, I just thirsted for it in this guy. And I just put all of my love and devotion into this one guy that finally accepted me. Um, it ended very badly. Was highly codependent, a little bit abusive psychologically, and it ended. And when it ended, everything crumbled and all the feelings of my childhood came right back to the surface. So, I went through a season of a lot of passive aggressive rebellion because I grew up in a church. So, I was the worship leader.

[00:26:04]But when I was in college, I was rebellious and I was doing everything I could that the Bible said I shouldn't do because I was angry at God. Because if you hadn't taken my dad, then none of this would have happened in a >> How did you get on with your stepfather?

[00:26:19]I didn't really love him well until I was about 18 and I started getting some maturity and understanding a little more about life. But I rejected him wholeheartedly. I was he was not considered my friend. I understand now I thought of him as someone who came to steal a place that was my dad's because I had a lot of unresolved grief.

[00:26:46]>> I bet >> we didn't. And if you tended to attack yourself when things went wrong.

[00:26:53]>> Oh yeah.

[00:26:53]>> So it's not uncommon.

[00:26:55]>> Yes.

[00:26:56]>> Is when you're four, five, six, >> for children, especially for the oldest, >> they think of themselves at the center of the world. And if something good happens, they sort of think it's because of them. If something bad happens, they sort of think it's because of them.

[00:27:15]There's this magical thinking. And they feel >> pain >> and then rage, but then guilt about the rage. And it's the guilt about the rage that creates a lot of unhappiness because they feel like they're defective or that they're a criminal. And >> absolutely my case, check, check, check, check.

[00:27:40]>> Terrible place to be. And ultimately the healing is being able to get the rage out. Uh >> that part >> that part was hard. Okay, fast forwarding the story way ahead.

[00:27:56]Uh I go through infertility, two years of trying, nothing happening, treatments left and right, nothing happening.

[00:28:05]The Lord heals me simply and beautifully at a prayer service. not for anything I did, just because he's good and he wanted to. I get pregnant with my children, have both my children fall in postpartum depression, end up in treatment. My husband and I end up in treatment together. In that journey, the memories of the sexual abuse, some had already returned to me in my 20s, but during this process, a really big one, which was a rape that happened when I was five, was unlocked. And for me, suppressed memories feel like an egg cracks.

[00:28:45]Like I could almost hear it. And then these memories just come flooding. and I feel everything, all the senses and I relive it all over again. Um, I have learned the power of forgiveness. So, I know that an instant act of forgiveness helps me to be free. So, I went into that. But then when I came to my therapist and brought her, hey, I I just got this memory that while I thought I had dodged a bullet, I thought I was just molested as a kid. No, I wasn't.

[00:29:17]So I feel like crap because I was thinking that I didn't have it that bad.

[00:29:25]But now these feelings of I am damaged goods are backed at the surface. And I thought I had already dealt with that.

[00:29:32]But now I feel really angry because now this sense of protecting my little ones is kind of manifesting, but I don't know where to put it. And then she very kindly explained, "Yeah, your your system is wanting to integrate.

[00:29:48]Your 5-year-old that was wounded wants to heal and wants to reconnect with who you are now, which is the grown-up." And the grown-up kind of becomes a kind of a parent figure and a protector to that little one. And that's what your system is trying to reconcile. Let's explore it and let's walk through it. But I remember she was role playinging a little bit with me in session and she said, "Um, what would happen right now if the first person that ever molested you?" Which is what opened the door for all the other things to happen. What would happen if if that man was in the room right now and I transformed? I turned into this murderous lady that wanted to like I would like grab him by the head and I would I would hurt him so bad and I would snuff the life out of him and I would just watch him die and I would love it. And I'm like whoa what was that? That is not me at all. I am a little antiviolence. I don't like that kind of confrontation. There's nothing about me that would do that. But that's what comes up >> if somebody would have done that to your child.

[00:31:03]>> Exactly.

[00:31:05]>> That's mama bear was like coming out.

[00:31:08]>> And we were approaching the end of session. Our next session was scheduled for a month after. And she said, "Okay, okay, that's good.

[00:31:19]Your homework today is sit with it. You need to sit with that rage." And I said, "What? Excuse me, lady. What are you talking about? She's like, "Yeah, sit with it." Like, I just I just told you that if a hypothetical person that's probably already dead would be in this room, I would kill him in a very horrendous way. And you're telling me to sit with those feelings of rage? Like, I don't I don't want to feel rage. And I said, "Rage is wrong."

[00:31:50]And she said, "Well, who told you that rage is wrong? Who told you that anger is wrong?"

[00:31:56]And I said, "Well, it's it's not it's not a very Christlike feeling."

[00:32:02]And she said, "Hm, so are you calling God wrong?" And I said, "Wait a minute, lady. Let's let's not go into theology here because I'm still mad." And she said, "Yeah, because God feels anger and he feels rage and it's in the Bible.

[00:32:22]And he created you in his image. And now you have rage for an injustice that was committed against you.

[00:32:30]The problem is not the rage. The problem is where it needs to be.

[00:32:34]>> It's a suppression of rage.

[00:32:37]>> That's where I was. I would not let it out for the life of me because I was afraid.

[00:32:42]>> Turns around and attacks you.

[00:32:44]>> Exactly. And I was literally being selfimploed by these feelings that weren't I was not letting them come out. I had a damn in place and I would not let it flow because I had understood that feelings were either evil or good where there's no sense.

[00:33:05]>> You wanted to be a good girl.

[00:33:07]>> Absolutely. I had to be. I was on a platform every week in a different country preaching the gospel of Jesus Christ with a smile on my face and singing pretty songs.

[00:33:17]>> What did Jesus do in the temple?

[00:33:20]>> Exactly. I had just put that in a back burner somewhere and I didn't I didn't want to address it because I didn't want it to trigger something in me.

[00:33:28]>> But the best thing I could have ever done was spent that entire month sitting with that rage.

[00:33:35]In in some of the MDR sessions I do, people die.

[00:33:39]>> Wow.

[00:33:40]>> Because I'll take them back to like I'll have your mind get on a train and go back. Bring your adult self with the child >> to that event. And if the anger could come out, where would it go? And doing it with the eye movements, the MDR, it just helps integrate it. It helps process it. But you got to feel it.

[00:34:04]>> Yeah. and not feel bad about it. Because if someone was doing that to your child or to someone you love, there is just no way you'd be okay, >> right, >> with that. And it's the repressed rage that often comes out in panic attacks, anxiety, eating disorders, >> which is exactly where I was. The lesson I learned in it when I came back was I said, "Okay, I sat with it and here's what I learned." I had pages in my journal of things that were just big revelations to me. And she said, "Well, that's exactly what I needed to happen.

[00:34:46]You needed to be able to sit with it in the silence so that the only thing that you heard directed you and guided a path to where it was being birthed from."

[00:34:55]Because if we're going to be biblical about it, the Bible says you ask and you don't receive because you ask wrong. And you ask wrong because you just don't know what to ask for. And she says, you need to sit with what hurts. So you know where exactly where it is so that when you ask the Lord, heal me, guide me, how am I going to fix this? And then he brings people and resources into your life to fix it. You don't reject it, but you know exactly pinpoint exactly where it is. And so that was a that was a big moment for me and it gave me tools to always figure out whenever I'm out of character and my feelings are a little too much on my sleeve, I have to go and sit with it. That's not easy for me cuz I'm very hyperactive. I'm twitching and jumping and figuring how to do something out and like inventing something or creating something all day. So sitting in stillness is not something that comes natural to me, but I have to practice the discipline. So, I wonder if the ADD So, let's talk about ADD for a second.

[00:35:54]>> Yes. I have so many questions.

[00:35:56]>> If if it's ADD or if it's trauma, >> it could be it could be. I think it's a little both.

[00:36:03]>> Your dad dies, you're molested, um you move, there's instability.

[00:36:11]>> Mhm.

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[00:37:21]So tell me why you think you have ADD.

[00:37:23]>> Okay. The two and fro everything catches my attention at all times. I am constant. There's two people in my brain at all times. There's the real me that's all over the place and then there's like mom to me that's like okay look this way then I'll look that way. Okay now stop looking at that and look this way. I have to be parenting and like coaching myself the whole time. And it works to a certain extent, but growing up, I had issues being still in the classroom.

[00:37:57]I remember uh parent teacher conferences. My mom would always be told, "She's great, she's bright, she's brilliant, but she can't stay still or she can't be quiet or she got in trouble again because she didn't obey and she didn't do what everybody else was doing." That was a constant. So, you're hyperactive, >> extremely >> restless, >> very um but also an overachiever because I strived on I want to get all these answers perfect and I want to do it in record time and I wasn't so much competing with anybody but me. Oh, I did it in this amount of time before. Let me see if I could do it better. So, there was always this like this hit and play with myself. And it's >> and if you had a half an hour of homework, how long would it take you to do?

[00:38:47]>> 15 minutes.

[00:38:49]>> Usually the ADD people, it's 2 and 1/2 hours.

[00:38:53]>> And when it came to reading, it would be the two and a half hours.

[00:38:57]>> Reading was hard.

[00:38:58]>> Yes. The letters would get jumbled up.

[00:39:02]>> Oh, really?

[00:39:03]>> There's dyslexia in there.

[00:39:05]>> We'll come back to this. Called Erlin syndrome.

[00:39:07]>> Uhhuh.

[00:39:08]>> Do you know what that is?

[00:39:09]>> I've heard about it.

[00:39:10]>> Yeah. I'm halfway through that rabbit hole.

[00:39:12]>> It's a visual processing issue. And when we look at your checklist, you had a lot of those.

[00:39:20]>> Uh I don't doubt it.

[00:39:21]>> So, which makes people look like they have ADD when what it is is they're sensitive to certain colors of light >> and blocking them out, all of a sudden they don't look like they have ADD, which is really >> interesting. Um, how's your organization?

[00:39:42]>> Horrible.

[00:39:44]>> Desk, book bag.

[00:39:46]>> I want to and I go through these frenzies in which I organize everything and I can't leave the room until I'm done and it'll last a whopping 48 hours.

[00:39:56]Because to me, if I don't see it, it doesn't exist.

[00:40:00]And for instance, I have to lay everything down on a counter that I need because I'll forget that it's there. And then lo and behold, a few months later, I have three of the same thing because I thought that I lost it and I had to buy it again type thing.

[00:40:15]>> So, not natural. Organization's not natural.

[00:40:18]>> It's not natural to me. I want >> time today. Are you usually on time?

[00:40:23]>> Yes, because I'm married to my husband.

[00:40:26]That is total credit to Carlos Kaban, my husband, to he has a a very strict policy that being 15 minutes early is already being late. and he has helped me curb that time of of time management is not something that comes natural to any of the women in my family.

[00:40:45]>> But I'm so glad that he is my companion.

[00:40:47]He helps me stay.

[00:40:48]>> I only love women who have ADD, right?

[00:40:51]My my wife and I did a whole PBS show on ADD and my first wife just could never be on time. And so I and I lied to her constantly. It's like we have to be at the airport at 11:00 when really we didn't have to be there till 12, but you know, and then I'd still have to be mad at her to like I'm like it's chronic stress for me.

[00:41:16]>> And my wife now likes to be there early.

[00:41:19]>> We have that effect on people. I'm so sorry. People who love me, I am sorry. I apologize profusely into eternity.

[00:41:28]>> So, >> I love my hyperfocus.

[00:41:31]I love being able to sit with something >> and this happens and it's tunnel vision and I >> if you're interested >> if I'm interested you're not interested.

[00:41:39]>> If I'm not interested I lose all power of will to see it through. It's like >> it becomes a black hole that I want to stay away from because I think it's going to suck me in and I'm going to cease to exist type feeling.

[00:41:54]>> So procrastination unless you love it. Unless I love it.

[00:41:59]And I do force myself to do that.

[00:42:01]>> Patience, >> do something you love. Because then your brain will let you do it.

[00:42:08]>> If you think this is going to you'll make more money doing this, but you don't like it, don't do it. Cuz you're not going to make more money doing that cuz you're going to end up being fired.

[00:42:16]>> Yeah. It's a sense of overwhelm. Like for instance, emails or answering, you know, the mundane text or any simple thing that's just not interesting to me.

[00:42:27]It feels like an amplified sense of dread like almost I can't do it >> impulsive.

[00:42:35]>> Uh I I have worked really hard on impulse control because when I was a lot younger I had rage issues and in one of those rage issues I almost killed my sister.

[00:42:48]So that was kind of like >> I would say more about that.

[00:42:51]>> Yeah.

[00:42:53]Yeah. It was dramatic. I'm sorry Linda.

[00:42:56]I've apologized before, but I'll say it again. Um, I was maybe 13, 14.

[00:43:04]I was already into puberty. My hormones were crazy. One day, my sister was teasing me. My parents were not in the house. And she was teasing me about something I don't even remember, but it was something I didn't want to do. She was like, "Well, you better do it or I'm going to tell mom." I'm like, "Well, you can tell her I'm not going to do it.

[00:43:22]Just leave me alone." Well, I'm going to tell mom you hit me and then she's going to hit you. And I'm like, but it's not true. And she's like, "Well, then do what I'm saying." And I'm like, "But I don't want to." And then she started poking me at my shoulder.

[00:43:37]And then she did when she did it the third time, I just snapped. And all I remember was like a giant force took over me and I grabbed her by the hair and I just whacked her against the edge of the bed and I hit her right here with the edge of a very solid wood and she just passed out.

[00:43:58]>> Oh wow.

[00:44:00]and her face went blue and I thought she died because for almost felt like 2 minutes to me like she wouldn't come back and I I thought I killed her. I already like catastrophized everything in my brain at that time. I'm like, "Okay, I'm probably going to go to juvie. I'm going to end up in jail. I just killed my sister. My parents are not home. There's there's nothing I could say that would ever fix something like this." And I just lost my best friend. Like all that in the span of like a minute and a half. And that was so strong a trauma to me that I'm like, I'm not putting my hands on anybody ever again. And I I'm I'm just going to hold on to my >> So the rage later that your therapist wanted you to feel, you're already defending >> Oh, yeah.

[00:44:45]>> against the rage.

[00:44:46]>> I was like, "No, I'm not. I can't do that." Because bad things happen if I let rage go.

[00:44:53]>> The next time I let rage go was years later. I was already married with Carlos and I was so overwhelmed by something that I grabbed uh something from the wall and I just threw it and it just shattered to pieces and then I saw the visual of like broke. It was one of my favorite wall arts and I just snapped and it broke to pieces and beyond repair. So to me it was like if I let rage go bad things happen. I can't trust myself with being angry. And then it was like, no, control your impulses. You you cannot you can't let anything out that way.

[00:45:31]>> So you see a couple of incidences of impulsivity, but is it the story of your life?

[00:45:41]>> I don't think so.

[00:45:42]>> Where you say things that you shouldn't say.

[00:45:45]>> Yeah. Yeah. It's there's a lot of verbal and then you're like, "No, come backwards. just come back into my mouth.

[00:45:54]>> I have since learned to pause.

[00:45:57]>> I've learned to pause and I do force myself to do it.

[00:46:01]>> But rehearsing rehearsing it in my brain helps.

[00:46:04]>> You know, if I had tattoos, I don't have any. But one of them would be, is it true? Like I don't believe every stupid thing I think, >> right?

[00:46:11]>> The other one is, does it fit? Does this if I say this or I do this, does it fit the goals I have for my life?

[00:46:22]>> So, I want a kind, caring, loving, supportive, passionate relationship with my wife, >> but I have thoughts that don't fit that.

[00:46:30]And so, I don't say them most of the time.

[00:46:33]I get a thought, it's like, don't say it. Does it fit? It doesn't fit. Don't say it.

[00:46:39]>> Well, I need to learn that one. I'm on the is it true?

[00:46:43]>> Is it true >> to me is choosing which is the hill I want to die on because what I'm saying is is truth and factual and like don't say it's not true because I know like I researched this and I know this is the right answer is usually where I lean and I do I do practice something my mom taught me when I was very young because I had an issue with my tongue. You say whenever you're going to say something that feels like it's coming out too fast, just do this.

[00:47:11]Bite your tongue, make an awkward smile, and breathe.

[00:47:16]>> Well, and then go. Does it fit if I say this? Does it help me?

[00:47:20]>> That's good.

[00:47:21]>> Does it help the situation?

[00:47:23]It's such a good thing.

[00:47:24]>> I'm taking it >> to do um with the temper and the deja vu. I want to learn more about deja vu because I saw it in your history. So deja vu is the feeling you've been somewhere before even though you never have.

[00:47:41]>> Yeah.

[00:47:41]>> Tell me about that.

[00:47:42]>> I feel it all the time. It's frequent. I want to say it happens between five and 10 times a yearish.

[00:47:51]And I don't know what to think of it, but I do notice it happens a lot whenever I'm at a crossroads and I'm transitioning into something or I'm growing into something or I'm doing things that I never done before.

[00:48:06]Um, I've liked to think of it as signs that I'm going in the right direction because this feels familiar even though I've never been here. But I've never really understood where it comes from or why it happens. But it does feel it's happened to me. Yes, it has. That I have dreamt stuff.

[00:48:24]>> So, we're going to look at your temporal loes >> because often it's a sign of an electrical storm.

[00:48:31]>> Oh, wow.

[00:48:31]>> In one of your temporal loes.

[00:48:34]>> Now, sometimes it can be a spiritual thing.

[00:48:37]>> Yeah.

[00:48:37]>> And spirituality tends to happen in our temporal loes. Uh, and you know, if God's going to communicate with us, there's going to be an area of your brain where that happens. Yeah.

[00:48:52]>> There's a psychologist from Canada. And he noticed when he would stimulate the outside of the right temporal lobe, people would have a religious or spiritual experience. They'd actually have a sense presence. They would feel the presence of God uh in the room. Um, and so does that mean the brain makes up God or did God create a mechanism for us >> to feel him?

[00:49:22]>> So I I would choose the latter.

[00:49:24]>> Same.

[00:49:25]>> But anyways, deja vu. So >> and it's I've had dreams >> that I have lived later.

[00:49:34]>> I both my children I have dreamt them in exact moments exactly. I knew their faces before they were born. So, there's also that prophetic spiritual gifting that's in there. And sometimes with Déja vu, I don't know which is which.

[00:49:50]Could be one, could be the other, but I don't know.

[00:49:53]>> Interesting. So interesting.

[00:49:56]Um, so I always think of people in these four big circles. Biological, psychological, social, spiritual. And if we look at some of the biology, um, I have an acronym I like a lot called bright minds. You want to keep your brain healthy or rescue it, we have to prevent or treat >> the 11 major risk factors.

[00:50:20]>> Okay?

[00:50:21]>> And bright mind, so B is for blood flow.

[00:50:24]Low blood flow is the number one brain imaging predictor of Alzheimer's disease.

[00:50:30]>> And for you, you have some risk factors.

[00:50:33]>> Sedentary.

[00:50:35]>> Yeah. Yeah.

[00:50:35]>> So, I need you to figure out how to exercise.

[00:50:39]>> Yeah.

[00:50:39]>> More.

[00:50:40]>> Walk like you're late. 45 minutes four times a week. Or with Tana and I do my wife Japanese walking. We did it this morning. 3 minutes normal, 3 minutes fast, 3 minutes normal, 3 minutes fast.

[00:50:55]Do that five times. So, it's a half an hour. And if you only have 20 minutes, go one minute normal, three minutes fast. and do it five times.

[00:51:08]The sort of burst walking >> is so good for your brain, >> okay?

[00:51:14]>> And then you should be lifting weights because the stronger you are as you age, the less likely you are to have problems.

[00:51:24]>> And so, and women go, "Oh, no. I don't want to lift weights. I don't want big muscles." It's like muscle is much more compact than fat. So, I would I just want you to think more exercise will help you so much.

[00:51:39]>> And that makes sense cuz my grandmother I am very similar to her physiologically. My father's mother, she died of dementia.

[00:51:47]>> And you don't want it.

[00:51:48]>> I do not. I saw her decay and it was very sad.

[00:51:52]>> Yeah. The R is retirement and aging.

[00:51:54]You're still at least compared to me very young. It's just about new learning. Whatever you can do to do things new and differently will be helpful >> for you. I is inflammation. Have you had lab work done recently?

[00:52:11]>> I have.

[00:52:12]>> Can you send it to me?

[00:52:13]>> Yes.

[00:52:14]>> I I'm going to email you my slides and I'll ask you to do that. Um in your family you have pre-diabetes and heart disease and substance abuse. Um, all that means is every day of your life, like I have heart disease and obesity in my family, but I don't have either because I'm on a heart disease obesity prevention program every day of my life.

[00:52:46]And I really have to watch what I eat because it's just so easy to gain weight with my body.

[00:52:56]But that's so important to me. I published three studies that show as your weight goes up, the size and function of your brain goes down. And I'm like, "Oh, no. I'm not." No.

[00:53:08]>> So being at a healthy weight is >> critical.

[00:53:11]>> I had no idea that weight affected the brain.

[00:53:14]>> I didn't either. And when I figured it out, I lost 20 lbs. Cuz I'd always sort of been a little chubby and I'm like, "No."

[00:53:22]>> Yeah. I'm starting tomorrow.

[00:53:24]>> In view of God's mercy, offer your body as a living sacrifice.

[00:53:29]>> Yeah.

[00:53:30]>> Holy and pleasing to God. That is your true worship. And so getting healthy is worship. And then Romans 12:2, that's Romans 12:1. to be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you can test to see if it fits God's good, perfect, and pleasing. Well, so all that's like the four circles in two Bible verses.

[00:53:56]Getting healthy biologically, that's worship. Transform your mind and then your relationships are better. It's like I love that so much. Our program, the AAN whole for is based on those two verses.

[00:54:12]>> Um, head trauma. Interesting. 2009, you had a double whiplash.

[00:54:18]Um, and then I read this and I'm like, how how does this make sense? You broke your tailbone four years in a row.

[00:54:27]>> No, four years ago.

[00:54:29]>> Four years ago. Okay. Because I'm like, why is that?

[00:54:31]>> God forbid I have to go through >> four years in a row. I'm like, that sounds like obsessive >> massochism.

[00:54:39]>> Yeah.

[00:54:39]>> Four years ago.

[00:54:40]>> Four years ago, day after Christmas, a snow tubing slide at a hotel in Dallas.

[00:54:47]They had this winter wonderland. I went down with my little girl and the slide had not been maintained. So, there were several divots with no ice. And then there was this big compacted bunch of ice that was like maybe the size of a dinner plate that was like a little mound. So it was bounce, bounce, bounce, whack right on my tailbone on that mound of ice. And it was instantly excruciating pain and like the feel like somebody had poured alcohol on an open wound on the inside of my low back and it pretty much severed the little tail part off. It was bad trauma and then that exacerbated old injuries.

[00:55:31]>> When was the postpartum depression?

[00:55:35]>> 20 18 was when I was diagnosed. So it was 2022.

[00:55:44]>> Not much in the way of toxins except mold exposure. You were exposed to mold when?

[00:55:48]>> When I was 18.

[00:55:49]>> Tell me.

[00:55:50]>> Uh college. Uh >> where were you going to college? music major, Puerto Rico, the inner American University in San Herman, the practice rooms where us musicians had to spend all of our day in. Uh, turns out they had toxic mold. Uh, there was no way to remediate it without funds in order for us to get funds allocated to the department of music. We had to resuscitate the association of music students. There was nobody who wanted to run. So, I decided to run for the presidency and like get political with like the deans and the directives and finally get some funds that we collected amongst all of our peers and come to find out there was no remediation company that would come do it. We had to do it ourselves. So, that was a full semester of being exposed to mold every day.

[00:56:41]>> And have you ever been tested for mold?

[00:56:43]>> I have never been tested for mold. I know that I have a very since then very high sensitivity to like just fungus in the atmosphere.

[00:56:51]>> It might not be a bad idea. Um because you've not had a big issue with drugs or alcohol.

[00:56:56]>> No.

[00:56:57]>> Um or smoking or anything like that.

[00:57:00]>> I never wanted to smoke. I didn't want to damage my voice.

[00:57:02]>> Your brain's a little bumpy.

[00:57:05]>> So, I think probably be good to work with an integrative or functional medicine doctor and just check. Um, but I want you to send me your labs.

[00:57:16]Um, from a mental health standpoint, your PHQ9, which is a measure of depression, is a little on the high side.

[00:57:26]>> Mhm.

[00:57:26]>> It's not severe, but it's there.

[00:57:29]>> Um, 0 to 10, where would you put your mood? If zero is you want to kill yourself, and 10 is >> awesome.

[00:57:39]>> Seven.

[00:57:41]Okay. So, not bad.

[00:57:43]>> Not bad, but it's closer to five than I like it. I think a lot of it has to do with just chronic stress.

[00:57:51]A >> lot of a lot of traveling.

[00:57:54]Uh, sleep is kind of iffy right now. The level at which my children are in their development, very high demand. But I also have a million other projects running. I'm in a major transition right now.

[00:58:10]uh running a nonprofit organization that's growing very a lot faster than we thought, but also being in a music career, also being an author, also being in two major tours right now promoting the book and also music. Just a lot coming together.

[00:58:26]>> I feel that my soul life.

[00:58:29]>> Yeah.

[00:58:31]>> Although I shouldn't talk. Um >> what is it? Takes one to know one.

[00:58:37]>> Yeah. I'm like, I have a lot going on, too. Um, your ACE score, adverse childhood experiences. Have you heard of that before? On a scale of 0 to 10, how many bad things happened to you growing up? And you're a seven.

[00:58:54]>> Four or more increases your risk. Seven of the top 10 leading causes of death.

[00:59:01]>> Wow.

[00:59:01]>> Six or more, you die 20 years early.

[00:59:05]>> But you don't have to, obviously. My wife's an eight and um she's going to live a long time because she's done the work.

[00:59:15]>> Yeah.

[00:59:16]>> To deal with the trauma. But the trauma is real.

[00:59:20]>> Yeah, >> for sure.

[00:59:22]>> Um low resistant to infection, sensitive to cold, tired, worn out, painful periods, PMS. I'm going to put you on something called happy saffron.

[00:59:38]Love it so much. We also have something called >> PMS happy. I welcome.

[00:59:43]>> It's got saffron, zinc, and curcumins.

[00:59:46]It's 35 randomized control trials showing saffron is equally effective to anti-depressants >> really.

[00:59:54]>> But it doesn't have the side effects. In fact, it is it doesn't sort of ruin your sex life. It enhances it. And it couple of studies with PMS show it's helpful helpful for focus helpful for um memory.

[01:00:11]So >> and I will embrace it wholeheartedly.

[01:00:15]>> I was on Khloe Kardashian's podcast and I was I evaluated her three four years ago and then I never heard from her. Um and then she asked me to be on her podcast. She took Happy Saffron every day.

[01:00:31]>> Oh wow.

[01:00:31]>> For three years. In fact, she holds it up on her podcast and we completely ran out of it and she said it just helped me so much and I had her brain before and after and it was just so much healthier.

[01:00:45]>> Yeah. And I've noticed that after at 41, two years ago, my body, which I think there might be hormonal issues there, maybe I'm starting per menopause and it's one of those long drawn issues.

[01:01:01]Combined with all my stress, not a good recipe. I've noticed like all these signs that people say, well, this could be permenopause, like hair falling at a lot bigger rate than it did before. Um joints feeling very sore. Um appetite is up at 1 hour and then you don't want to eat anything at another hour. Hot flashes which I never thought in my 40s I could possibly get. I have gotten mood swings, irregular period hormones.

[01:01:35]>> Yes, but they say that everything is within normal range, but I don't believe that.

[01:01:39]>> Did they check them on day 19 to 21 of your cycle? There's never been an intentionality for that. That would be a good thing to do.

[01:01:47]>> We should do that. That That is so important to get them at the right time.

[01:01:53]If you just do them willy-nilly, you don't know what they're where they're really supposed to be.

[01:01:58]>> I'm tempted to do them weekly and just see every week of my cycle what it looks like hormonally because it it's become consistent.

[01:02:08]>> Yeah.

[01:02:08]>> And I don't like the way I feel. I have a wonderful functional medicine doctor that you might see. Her name's Ebony Cornes. I love her a lot.

[01:02:18]>> Send me.

[01:02:18]>> And then trouble falling asleep and then waking up is hard, which is very common in people have ADD. It's like hard to go to bed and waking them is like waking.

[01:02:29]>> It feels like I have an anvil on my chest and it's like somebody's trying to pull me from like I'm the Titanic and they're trying to get >> Have you ever taken ADD meds?

[01:02:37]>> No. I have steered clear of it at the advice of my team because they're afraid that it'll change my personality.

[01:02:48]>> Yeah. My experience with artists >> is it doesn't >> is it helps you be who you are when your whole brain works right.

[01:02:57]>> I have one friend the the biggest ADHD case I've ever seen that's worse than I am. He took I don't know if it was Viveance or maybe it was Rolin. I'm not sure which one he took. They gave him a 30-day run. And he said that he had never been as focused as he was then.

[01:03:20]Everything in his studio and in his house was like pristine and organized and spot. Like he was cleaning baseboards with a toothbrush, but he couldn't write a single song in 30 days.

[01:03:30]>> Yeah. Yeah.

[01:03:30]>> So, it kind of turned off that creative edge and he didn't like it so he stopped it.

[01:03:36]>> So, I have an artist that actually was a truck driver when I first met him and but I w I saw something he drew. I was like unbelievable and he had ADD >> and when we treated him >> he got a job for Disney >> Mhm.

[01:03:57]>> making six figures. Wow.

[01:04:00]>> And he was still as creative. He just finished things cuz before he wasn't finishing >> Yeah.

[01:04:08]>> anything. And I have another one who's a writer. And he he likes having 16 characters in his head at the same time.

[01:04:17]So he doesn't take the medicine when he works.

[01:04:19]>> Yeah.

[01:04:19]>> But he takes it in dealing with his wife and dealing with his children and dealing with the stuff he has to do to make his life work. Mhm.

[01:04:27]>> So, it's the medicine's sort of like glasses and it works when you take it and it doesn't work when you don't. I wouldn't dismiss it.

[01:04:37]>> Mhm.

[01:04:38]>> Um >> I'm I'm still on the fence about it.

[01:04:41]>> Look at it.

[01:04:42]>> How to deal with the ADHD feeling that you never really hit the mark and measure up with the current of everybody else and everything else that's going on around you. Because to me it's extremely frustrating when I get that executive dysfunction of I have to answer all these emails. I have to draw out I don't know this business plan or this project needs to be done at a certain day at a certain time and I can't make myself get there or if I sit down to do it it's like blank and I can't.

[01:05:16]>> So maybe somebody else should be doing that. I mean the most effective ADB people I know.

[01:05:22]>> Can you say it louder for the people in the back? great great executive assistants or chief of staff or someone that does the follow through, right? I mean, you're obviously incredibly talented and but there's no rule that says you have to do everything. That's Steve Jobs didn't do everything.

[01:05:45]>> True that.

[01:05:46]>> Um, so you took this test for us. It's called Total Brain. I love it a lot. And you're really good at recognizing faces and you recognize happy faces way more than negative faces. People with past trauma that's generally they're generally paranoid.

[01:06:05]>> Wow.

[01:06:06]>> But you've worked on it.

[01:06:08]>> Mhm.

[01:06:09]>> Uh get your feelings hurt.

[01:06:12]You can let go of it. You're under a lot of stress and you're pretty anxious.

[01:06:20]Your memor is phenomenal.

[01:06:22]>> Really, >> your focus, at least on this test, is pretty good. And on the X test you did, it was pretty good.

[01:06:31]>> Um, your planning is phenomenal. This is not an ADD pattern.

[01:06:37]>> Um, flexible, short-term memory is good, way too negative.

[01:06:45]This is not good for you.

[01:06:46]>> We need to get this better. Um because if your sort of normal baseline is you're looking for what's wrong, >> I want you to start every day. Today is going to be a great day.

[01:06:59]>> Okay?

[01:07:00]>> As you go through your day, I want you to look for the little miracles in the day. And when you go to bed every night, I want you to go, "What went well today?"

[01:07:10]>> I just want you meditating. Start at the beginning of your day. It's okay to be a little OCD about this.

[01:07:18]and go, "What did I like about today?

[01:07:21]What went well?" And the bad stuff will show up. Go, I'm not dealing with you now. I will deal with you tomorrow.

[01:07:30]What went well today? And if you start hour by hour looking for what you love, it'll put you to sleep and your dreams will be better.

[01:07:44]What went well? cuz I want to move this over here.

[01:07:48]>> Okay.

[01:07:50]>> Um, you are very social.

[01:07:53]>> Yeah, >> your cognitive function is quick.

[01:07:58]>> Well, that's good.

[01:08:00]>> I would be very happy.

[01:08:02]>> Brain fog and all.

[01:08:05]>> Brain fog and all. Um, okay. We do a study called Spec and Spec looks at blood flow and activity. It looks at how your brain works and basically shows us three things.

[01:08:18]Healthy activity, you have lots, too little, or too much. And here's an example of a healthy brain. Here we're looking underneath the brain down from the top, one side, then the other side.

[01:08:34]It should just be full, even, and symmetrical. The outside of your brain, you're going to see yours. I want it to be healthier. It's not as healthy as it could be. Here, blue is average activity. Red is the top 15%. White is the top 8%. Now, if I would have had your brain before you did therapy, it would have been much different.

[01:08:59]>> Yes, I'm sure.

[01:09:01]>> So, here's your scan.

[01:09:06]>> Actually, pretty good.

[01:09:07]>> It looks pretty. that you haven't drank and you haven't smoked and you weren't a drug addict and so many artists, you know, have that issue.

[01:09:17]>> But, um, the only vulnerability is you see these little >> Yeah.

[01:09:28]>> caverns.

[01:09:29]>> Yeah.

[01:09:30]>> So, yeah, I think you have ADD. That's what I usually see in people who have ADD.

[01:09:36]>> I think so, too. You have you have a beautiful brain. This is a brain that >> you know at least for the next 20 years you're not getting Alzheimer's disease.

[01:09:47]Um and I don't see the whiplash is a big problem.

[01:09:53]>> Um you have a beautiful brain. Um, so if we go back and we want it to look like this, >> you have a great cerebellum, a little chatter box in your brain that's part of an area called the default mode network sort of talks to you a lot >> all day long.

[01:10:20]>> So I want you to give your mind a name.

[01:10:24]>> Okay? I want you to name it so you can begin to separate from it. Like I named my mind after my p raccoon. And I loved her. And raccoons they have 200 sounds.

[01:10:36]But she was a troublemaker. She teepeeed my mother's bathroom. She ate all the fish out of my sister's aquarium.

[01:10:42]>> First of all, pet raccoon.

[01:10:44]>> Yeah, for real. When I was 16. Loved her. Um, and so when I heard um I had someone on my podcast, he goes, "Give your mind a name." I'm like, "I want to name my mind out of for my power raccoon because I don't have to take her seriously."

[01:11:02]>> I don't have to take my mind seriously.

[01:11:05]>> Yeah.

[01:11:05]>> Right. Just cuz I have a thought has nothing to do with whether or not it's true, whether or not it's helpful, whether or not it's useful.

[01:11:12]>> I don't have to listen >> to the noise. So I want you to be the watcher.

[01:11:18]>> Yeah.

[01:11:19]>> So to just be curious about what you're thinking.

[01:11:22]>> Yeah.

[01:11:23]>> Rather than attach because that's where suffering becomes is when you attach to what you think.

[01:11:30]>> Your emotional brain's a little busy more on the right side.

[01:11:36]>> Um PTSD and and I can see it. It's here here and you have a little bit of it but before therapy you probably have >> oh I'm sure >> a lot >> I am sure >> of it. So I actually think the most important thing are these little dimples and the happy saffron will calm this down a little bit that you have a great brain. I'd be very happy with your brain.

[01:12:07]>> It's very encouraging.

[01:12:09]There's a lot of work being put into that brain.

[01:12:13]>> And now we can get you super healthy physically. Like no psychiatrist will ever tell you this.

[01:12:19]>> No.

[01:12:20]>> If you get healthy physically, >> mentally, you're going to be even >> better.

[01:12:27]>> You're different.

[01:12:28]>> So, yes, I think you have ADHD. I also think you have Erlin syndrome.

[01:12:33]>> So, I want you to get screened for this.

[01:12:37]Um there's a website erlin.com.

[01:12:41]Take the self test. You're going to show up as positive and then we'll work on finding you an Erlin screener.

[01:12:48]>> You said that's visually things change.

[01:12:51]>> Yeah.

[01:12:52]>> So before the scan when the medication started kicking in, two things happened. one I started seeing a glow around everything that was light in color and some lines were kind of moving after injected the medicine >> and I normally hear frequencies all the time part I guess it's part of my neurody diverency it amplified to like double the volume and everything was like whoa >> so that's this part >> if you think of this is your phalamus sort of your sensory gateway in the brain pain and yours is naturally busy.

[01:13:30]>> Yeah.

[01:13:30]>> So, it probably heightened it.

[01:13:33]>> Yeah.

[01:13:35]Nothing adverse feeling. It just I noticed that it went way higher than it normally is.

[01:13:40]>> So, I think a consult Cornish.

[01:13:43]>> Mhm.

[01:13:43]>> Happy Saffron Earl and Scream. I have a wonderful app called Bren Fit Life 5.0 that has all sorts of great tools.

[01:13:53]There's a 30-day happiness challenge.

[01:13:55]probably a great place to start.

[01:13:58]>> And then Bright Minds, I'll send this to you.

[01:14:01]>> Yeah.

[01:14:01]>> But it's all the different things to >> um and we have on BrainFit Life. There's some hypnosis audios. There's actually 18 of them >> for you. Peak performance. I think you really like that.

[01:14:16]>> Um and sleep.

[01:14:19]>> Mhm.

[01:14:22]When people come to see me, I have good days and bad days, but they're not all bad.

[01:14:30]>> Mhm.

[01:14:31]>> Right. And then I intervene. You do what I say. That's really important.

[01:14:38]>> I think >> and people get better, but nobody just gets better. They're better and then not better and then not.

[01:14:47]These are very important. Mhm.

[01:14:50]>> Because we want to learn from them. So every day you win or you learn.

[01:14:56]>> Yeah.

[01:14:57]>> So there's no failing. But so often people go, "Oh, this stuff doesn't work." And they stop.

[01:15:04]>> But where are you at in your cycle?

[01:15:07]>> What did you eat? What's the level of stress? What have you not been able to get done because you're doing too many things?

[01:15:18]There's a cool book I'm reading now called 10X is easier than 2X by my friend Dan Sullivan. I love him. And it's like, so what's going to get you 10x growth and what isn't?

[01:15:33]>> And you stop the what isn't >> part. So it's a good question for your team. Is this going to get us to where we want or am I just doing another thing that's busy?

[01:15:46]>> Yeah.

[01:15:47]And anyways, with the trauma you've had in the past, I I would hunt for triggers.

[01:15:55]>> Yeah.

[01:15:55]>> And are you still seeing the same therapist?

[01:15:58]>> No, I'm not. I have her on as a coach, so we talk often. We haven't had a session.

[01:16:03]>> Triggered when you find that comes up.

[01:16:10]>> I still think some EMDR could be really helpful. Yeah, I've been considering it as of recently because what I'm experiencing with my children is that as they grow, I relive things of that age.

[01:16:24]>> Yeah.

[01:16:25]>> So, it's it's >> And they're how old now?

[01:16:27]>> Seven and eight.

[01:16:29]>> Yeah. And that was a very vulnerable time for you.

[01:16:32]>> Yep.

[01:16:32]>> And so, just have someone and I would just hunt for the triggers and then >> work through them.

[01:16:40]>> Just unlock But as long as you like pursue the plan, you'll have good days and bad days. It just won't be, >> you know. So, we'll take it from a seven to an eight or a nine.

[01:16:55]>> I love you win or you learn. There's no >> win or learn.

[01:16:58]>> No failing.

[01:17:04]>> So, I talk about ants, automatic negative thoughts. Which ones do you think you have?

[01:17:10]Uh, all of nothing less than blaming.

[01:17:24]I'll be happier when labeling probably just the best.

[01:17:33]>> I just I don't want you to ever believe everything you think.

[01:17:36]>> And they should have taught us this in second grade. Yes.

[01:17:39]>> Right. Just cuz you have a thought.

[01:17:41]Thoughts come from all sorts of places.

[01:17:43]They come from your parents. They come from the news. They come from the music.

[01:17:48]>> You listen. They come from your friends, your foes, your siblings. And just because you have a thought has nothing to do with whether or not it's true, whether or not it's helpful, whether or not it's useful. So whenever you feel sad or mad or nervous or out of control, you write down what you're thinking and just go, is it true?

[01:18:12]>> So here are five questions I love. Um Carlos Whitaker did our show.

[01:18:20]>> He's awesome.

[01:18:21]>> And he thought he was going to get Alzheimer's disease like his dad.

[01:18:24]>> Wow.

[01:18:24]>> And so we did the work. This is from my friend Byron Katy who came up with this method.

[01:18:30]Is it true? And he said, I don't know.

[01:18:33]>> Is it absolutely true? So these five question, >> is it true?

[01:18:38]>> What's a bad thought that runs around your head?

[01:18:42]>> I'll fail as a mom.

[01:18:43]>> I'll fail as a mom.

[01:18:46]>> I love that thought.

[01:18:47]>> It's such a bad thought.

[01:18:49]>> Got to love it.

[01:18:50]>> It's a fortune teller.

[01:18:51]>> Yeah.

[01:18:52]>> Thought. Right. You're predicting the worst, right?

[01:18:54]>> So I'll fail as a mom. Fortune telling.

[01:18:57]>> Is that true? You'll fail us tomorrow.

[01:19:00]>> Unsure.

[01:19:01]I'm unsure.

[01:19:02]>> I don't know. Is it absolutely true?

[01:19:05]>> Probably not.

[01:19:06]>> Probably not. How does that make you feel?

[01:19:12]>> Very anxious.

[01:19:14]>> And then how does it make you act?

[01:19:17]>> A lot of compensating.

[01:19:19]Overdoing it maybe.

[01:19:22]I got 50 million views and it was all I said was when you do too much for your children, you increase your self-esteem by stealing theirs.

[01:19:37]>> Oh wow.

[01:19:39]>> Where does self-esteem come from? It comes from being competent.

[01:19:45]And if we like if your child comes and says, "I'm bored."

[01:19:50]So many people go, "Well, you could do this or you could do that or let's do this."

[01:19:55]>> No, no, no.

[01:19:58]Oh, you're bored. And then shut up.

[01:20:02]>> Yeah.

[01:20:04]>> And go.

[01:20:05]And if they don't go, oh, I could do this or I could do that. Right. The idea is put it back on. Now, it's what are you going to do about it?

[01:20:15]>> And then stop. Because if you fix it, you're teaching them they're not competent.

[01:20:23]>> GH >> Yeah.

[01:20:28]>> For my older children, I did way too much cuz I was compensating >> for not having a dad that was present, >> right?

[01:20:36]>> And I'm like, "No, I'm going to be a good dad."

[01:20:38]>> But it was I'm fixing me, right?

[01:20:41]>> Rather than raising a mentally strong child.

[01:20:46]>> Yeah.

[01:20:47]I'm I always want to teach them competence.

[01:20:51]>> Like if my daughter forgot her lunch, nobody brought it to school.

[01:20:56]>> If she forgot her sweater and it was cold, even though her mother told her to take it, nobody brought it to school because yes, we could fix the day but not fix the problem.

[01:21:07]>> Right.

[01:21:09]One day she was doing a group project and she left her part at home and the teacher called >> knowing that my wife was going to say no and she's like please everybody's going to fail and I go absolutely not >> cuz Chloe will never forget >> and she won't learn.

[01:21:29]>> You want them to learn the lessons >> when the lessons are inexpensive.

[01:21:36]>> Yeah. as opposed to they're 18 and they're in prison.

[01:21:42]>> Yes. Yes. That makes total sense.

[01:21:47]>> So, I'm going to fail as a mother. What's the outcome of that thought is you do way too much.

[01:21:54]>> Yeah.

[01:21:54]>> Suffering.

[01:21:55]>> Yeah.

[01:21:57]>> So, is it true? You don't know. Is it absolutely true? Absolutely not. How does it make me feel anxious?

[01:22:07]and a bit intrusive.

[01:22:10]>> How would I feel if I didn't have the thought?

[01:22:14]>> Three.

[01:22:15]>> Three.

[01:22:17]How would I act like a good mom? Firm and kind. Whenever you question how you should be firm and kind.

[01:22:26]>> Mhm.

[01:22:27]>> Those are the two words. It always works.

[01:22:31]And what's the outcome of not having the thought? You're a better mom. Yeah, >> because you're not being driven by anxiety or guilt, >> right?

[01:22:41]>> Or uncertainty.

[01:22:44]And so, is it true? Is it absolutely true?

[01:22:48]How's the thought make me feel? How would I be without the thought? What's the opposite of the thought? I am a good mom.

[01:22:56]>> I'm a good mom.

[01:22:58]>> You have any evidence that that's true?

[01:23:01]>> Yeah.

[01:23:03]Give me one.

[01:23:09]>> They hunger for being around me whenever I'm in the room and when I'm not.

[01:23:14]>> And they say it, "Mom, you're such a good mom."

[01:23:20]>> And that's where you meditate.

[01:23:22]>> Yeah.

[01:23:22]>> Cuz if you meditate here, I'm going to be a bad mom.

[01:23:28]You suffer.

[01:23:29]>> Mhm. But if you meditate here, you're peaceful, you're happy, and your desire is to be a good mom.

[01:23:42]>> Yep.

[01:23:44]>> So, the idea is not believing every stupid thing you think.

[01:23:48]>> Yeah.

[01:23:49]>> Right. Cuz that's a really toxic >> Yeah.

[01:23:52]>> thought.

[01:23:53]>> And there's the one that won't serve them well.

[01:23:57]>> Yeah. I'm learning. I I'll send you this in the slides.

[01:24:04]It's so powerful. And if you just did this like 30 times on the bad thoughts you have >> Mhm.

[01:24:11]>> they just start going away.

[01:24:14]But one thought leads to another bad thought. I say the ants >> link to each other and then they stack and then they attack you.

[01:24:24]>> Yeah.

[01:24:26]Um, this another exercise. I'll just leave it on the slides. One page miracle. Write down what you want.

[01:24:32]>> This is mine. Um, and then every day you ask yourself, does it fit? Does my behavior fit the goals I have for my life?

[01:24:44]This is very important. It's another book from Dan Sullivan, who I love. It's called The Gap in the Game.

[01:24:52]Are you in the gap?

[01:24:54]which is looking at what you don't have, measuring your life going forward, >> or are you in the game looking at how far you >> come?

[01:25:09]And those of us that are driven to be successful, we're often in the gap.

[01:25:16]>> And this is where suffering is. So peace is here and joy suffering is here. So for me I was in the gap so much of my life.

[01:25:29]>> Yeah.

[01:25:30]>> So rather than I'll be successful when >> gap thinking.

[01:25:36]>> So when I'm 18 when I was a teenager so I could I had five sisters. So I have to leave.

[01:25:44]>> Five sisters and how many daughters?

[01:25:46]>> Five. Yeah.

[01:25:48]>> Wow. God thinks it's very funny. When I go on the army, cuz I wanted to go in the army, when I 3 months later, I'll be successful when I get out of the army.

[01:25:56]Finish college, get into medical school, become a psychiatrist.

[01:26:00]Like, it's always I'll be successful when I publish a book. Well, then I want a New York Times bestseller. And then I want a number one New York Times best.

[01:26:10]You You see how it's just never enough?

[01:26:13]It's this hydonic treadmill which is chronic stress. The better question I'll be successful when is I know I'm being successful when >> I'm connected to my wife and kids and grandkids when I'm actively taking care of my body, mind, happiness and soul.

[01:26:39]>> Dennis Prager. Do you know who Dennis Prager is?

[01:26:42]You >> I love him.

[01:26:44]>> Yeah.

[01:26:45]>> And he has this five minute video, Why Be Happy? where he talks about happiness is a moral obligation.

[01:26:54]>> Yep.

[01:26:54]>> Because of how you impact other people.

[01:26:57]Yeah.

[01:26:57]>> Love that so much.

[01:26:59]>> I'm happy when I'm learning. I'm successful when I'm working on things that excite me. When I'm dealing with few to no whiny people who take without giving back, I don't like them. I'm gonna take that.

[01:27:12]>> Say no to whatever doesn't fit.

[01:27:15]>> Right? And so for you be present, be happy. I just want you to ask yourself that question.

[01:27:22]>> I'm no being successful when I and then fill in >> the blank because then the stress begins to >> Mhm.

[01:27:32]>> I was talking to someone today. He said, "No, I'm being successful when my children, grandchildren are happy." And I'm like, "No, no, no." because you just gave away you have to be happy to make anybody else happy. Of course, >> can't be dependent on other people's happiness.

[01:27:50]>> Love you, you love well.

[01:27:52]>> And people go, "Oh, well, you're only as happy as your unhappiest child." I'm like, that is the dumbest thing I've ever heard because I'm not going to allow my happiness to be dependent on their decisions. I want them to be happy.

[01:28:07]>> Yeah. But no, >> then it fluctuates every day because every time they get hungry, they get quite unhappy. And that happens at least three times a day.

[01:28:17]>> Autism, what is it? How do you know if you have autism is not one thing. It's many different things. There's so much to know about autism. It's not hard to understand.

[01:28:31]Hi, this is Dr. Daniel Aemon. I'm so excited to tell you about our new course, Healing Autism, a new way forward that I did with my friend and really autism expert, Dr. Jerry Cartel.

[01:28:47]It's a completely new look at autism.

[01:28:51]This course is for parents of children or adults who have autism, but it's also for professionals.

[01:29:01]We hope you'll join us with healing autism, a new way forward.

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