When Can a Stay-at-Home Parent Clock Out? | The Social Podcast

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[00:00:03]Okay, we're going to start with a bit of a spicy question. If you are the stay-at-home parent full-time, is it your job to do everything related to the house and kids?

[00:00:17]>> Well, a wife wrote to Carolyn Hack saying that when her husband became the full-time bread winner, he recused himself from all housework and only pitches in reluctantly when she asks him to. So he says that's what stayathome moms are supposed to do.

[00:00:36]>> Okay, Far, is this a fair trade or exchange?

[00:00:40]>> I'm sorry. I'm sorry. So, hold on. Let me get this straight. She quits her career >> to take care of his house, to raise his children, and then he decides to quit quit at home.

[00:00:52]>> Doing anything at home? How does that make any sense?

[00:00:54]>> Right. Yeah.

[00:00:55]>> Yeah. No. Yeah. I mean, I I agree. Like I think obviously it's an unfair comparison. Being a parent does not end at 9 to5. So like right off the bat, you lose me. Yeah.

[00:01:06]>> Having said that, I just got to acknowledge the fact that like I actually work with uh several mothers. I know several mothers whose partners are stay-at-home dads, right, who aren't working right now. And they've admitted they'd be like, "You know what? I actually kind of expect when I come home that the house is tidy and that I have a meal on the table." And I my thing is like, "Yeah, of course." But why fix you have to fix millions of years of patriarchy?

[00:01:29]>> Is that what it is? Because I'm I'm just calling it out here that I think most women who hear that story. Do you hear if if a working full-time mother >> comes home to a guy, a dad who's at home, would you not expect that there would be maybe a meal on the table?

[00:01:44]Would you not expect that?

[00:01:45]>> But it's rare. That's that's that's air.

[00:01:48]>> I agree. And I also think the input output is what bothers me. It's like he said, I'm working. I'm bringing home the bread and because I bring the paycheck, you then do all of this. First of all, I don't know why we're putting housework and child care under the same umbrella.

[00:02:03]You're the dad. Hello. Is this thing on?

[00:02:06]And then also the other thing is you're at work doing your work, enjoying your colleagues, maybe having a salad. She's at home folding your underwear. Do you know what I mean? So emotionally, it doesn't land in the same place for me.

[00:02:19]And also we haven't put a value as I think this is the problem in our economy. We haven't put a dollar value on what caregiving actually costs.

[00:02:27]>> We think it's free.

[00:02:29]>> Yeah.

[00:02:30]>> It's not free because of the we don't clock in 9 to5. It's it's around the clock. I will also say obviously the age of the children is going to matter. If mom is at home with very young children, trust me, when she gets home she's looking at husband going you better go cook. You better go do the laundry cuz I haven't even gone to the bathroom today.

[00:02:46]Okay. So it's not it's not even >> and there's three children >> and and there's three children to be free. That's correct. That's why I brought it up.

[00:02:52]>> Yes, that's actually close in age, right?

[00:02:56]>> It's very close in age. They're 19 months apart.

[00:02:57]>> You know, two things on this. One is that I think that it's harder to stay at home than it is to go to work.

[00:03:03]>> Same. Does it depend on the type of job you have?

[00:03:07]>> I left journalism a very I was a news anchor. I had a very hard job, a very demanding job. And I still found it when I left and before I knew I wanted to do I'm now in the speaker circuit um the keynote speaker circuit but before I did that I was trying to figure out what to do and I was home and the days went by so fast by the time I dropped the kids to school did the grocery shopping came home figured out what to have for lunch my husband was working from home made his lunch then I'd have to go back to school to pick up the kids like it was like goes by like and can I also say this I know you there's a lot of boys up here you also have a daughter there is a part of me that also says trying to rectify patriarchy I need my daughter to see her father doing household chores. I need her to see that.

[00:03:48]>> Yes. And I think it's important that my sons see a mother who goes to work. I think that's important. Not to diminish the role of the stay-at-home mom, but I think it's good for them to see that mom has power and mom has control and mom enjoys her life in the >> profession. And also that there is value put on that because I think mom being at home with the kids all day, that caregiving role as as a whole, Western culture devalues caregiving. And I also don't want my husband to think that he's coming home and I'm the help.

[00:04:15]>> No.

[00:04:15]>> You know, you know what I'm saying? I want you to think I'm sexy. I still want you to look at me like I'm your wife.

[00:04:20]Otherwise, you pigeon hole me as I'm just the one who does diapers and laundry and cooking.

[00:04:25]>> No, no, no. Can I just admit something here among friends? Because I was surprised the fact that Jason's been away for a few months and he's done this a few times. He works exactly on film and as soon as he goes away at first it's ch more challenging and then afterwards it's actually kind of easier because I just get to do all the things the way I want to do them and it's dawned on me that sometimes this division of labor thing makes things a little easier. I'm not saying we want to go back to the the old timey times and I think this guy sounds like a real jerk.

[00:04:54]Having said all that, I was surprised as a fierce feminist to suddenly realize at my age that sometimes I like just being told like you like I would like to have control of all of the food maybe and also maybe all of the parenting decisions because it gets complicated when he gets involved. And I don't know >> what that says. We're not going to solve it today, but we can talk about it at another time. That's right.

[00:05:18]>> Who's in charge of home decor? Because this is our next topic.

[00:05:21]>> Very nice. Are pot lights? Uh, a dim idea.

[00:05:26]>> Pot lights?

[00:05:27]>> I mean, pot lights. Okay, let me think about it. No, no pot lights. Okay, they're ubiquitous in Canadian homes.

[00:05:32]We've seen them. Everybody has them. But according to Glob and Mail, many people think they are thoughtless and unflattering.

[00:05:38]>> Mhm.

[00:05:38]>> Mel, >> I never thought we'd be debating pot lights on the social, but here we are.

[00:05:44]Listen, I'm married to a contractor. He could have a full-time job just installing pot lights. People love their pot lights. And if they're on a dimmer, even more sophisticated. I listen, after 40, we lose our eyesight. If I don't have >> lighting like we have in this studio right now, I can't see. So, bring on the spotlight.

[00:06:02]>> No, don't don't. No.

[00:06:05]>> Yes.

[00:06:05]>> I don't understand. A woman have such grace and beauty and integrity could engage with such a horrendous specimen.

[00:06:13]Highlights. You turn them on. You're in a factory. Life is hard. You're feeling the pressure. You put on a few lamps.

[00:06:20]All of a sudden, you're at the spa, a low glow, everything's romantic, not seeing your husband perfectly. That helps situations. There's a large complaint. I just want to defend lamps a little bit further here. There's a complaint that it takes time. Turn it on. Turn it on. Turn it on. It's part of life. Why are we rushing a ritual? It's on. It's harsh. It's over. It's the grave. Slow. Enjoy. Surrender to the >> It's not It's not so romantic when your eyeliner is like this because you can't see in the washroom. when you're not.

[00:06:49]>> How do you know the eyeliner? You're just so happy. You're romantic. Doesn't matter.

[00:06:54]>> Not all pot lights are created equal. I agree that like in a new home, a new build, like they're pretty hideous and they're cold lighting. I think the the what differentiates is the actual light bulb, right? It's the it's the is it warm and it has to be on a dimmer switch.

[00:07:11]>> Has to be on a dimmer.

[00:07:14]>> That could be sexy.

[00:07:16]>> How about this? Can we meet halfway? A yellow warm dimmed pot light with lamps.

[00:07:21]Huh?

[00:07:22]>> No. No.

[00:07:23]>> No. Just get a get a nice ceiling fixture like a little chandelier or something. We don't need to live a pot life.

[00:07:30]>> How about WE GO ROOM BY ROOM? How about in the dining room? Not okay.

[00:07:33]>> Not at all.

[00:07:33]>> Yeah. Well, but kitchen. I need to see my chicken when I'm far.

[00:07:36]>> No. No. Just a little thing here. You can have a unit.

[00:07:40]>> There's salmonella, man. I got to get everything.

[00:07:43]>> You don't have to see everything so clearly.

[00:07:45]>> It's okay. Our husbands are doing all the cooking and cleaning. Yeah.

[00:07:49]>> New point.

[00:07:55]>> Okay. Tim Hortons is about to face some steep competition because Duncan, the iconic American coffee chain, is returning to Canada. So, according to CTV News, the company I know.

[00:08:07]>> According to CTV News, the company plans to cater to a younger crowd while offering healthier food options. So, the first location is expected to open later this year or early 2027. Do we think the second time around this chain will succeed in Canada?

[00:08:24]>> Duncan, read the room. WE'RE STILL ELBOWS UP. OKAY.

[00:08:28]>> ELBOWS UP.

[00:08:30]>> It's Canadian franchise owners.

[00:08:32]>> The company bringing it to Canada is Canadian. Duncan is American.

[00:08:38]>> It's about as American as American pie as far as I'm concerned. So I just think that uh there have been so many American companies that have tried to come to Canada and they have failed. We are different up here. We really really are.

[00:08:50]And I also think that we are quite oversaturated in the coffee market. How much coffee you got to really try to stand out.

[00:08:58]>> I know they're trying to veer younger.

[00:08:59]It sounds like to get into a younger market, but we're also a little bit more health consscious in many ways here is like you said that they're trying to go healthier snacks. And I just think, you know, from their menu that I've looked at, not so healthy.

[00:09:12]>> Well, not only that, healthy is expensive. Young people can't buy a house. They're not going to spend $7 on a lavender. That's right.

[00:09:22]>> Yeah. And I'm trying to save for a down payment. Okay.

[00:09:26]>> They're talking about the menu and the drinks and how the coffee will be this and the selection will be this. And I'm like, I don't think it matters one iota.

[00:09:33]I think the fact that it is an American company, we have changed. Like I'm looking at the strawberries. I am checking everything. There's no bourbon in our liquor stores. Like we are fundamentally different and we consume things differently. It is a new day and I just don't see it landing. I >> That's interesting.

[00:09:50]>> I actually I I I don't say this from a personal thing. I think it will be successful. I think it's a good chance of being successful. I think they are going after the 13 to 35 crowd. And there's this thing going on. They're targeting the beverage drinker. And I don't know if any of you have been inside like a a bubble tea place recently or even a Starbucks in an afternoon. It's filled with teenagers and they're taking they're ordering their mocha choka loca laka whatever thing. They don't mind spending8 $10 on it. This it sort of feels like a luxury item or a pleasure item. So I feel like >> isn't that a prestige brand? The one that you mentioned I won't mention again unless they want to pay for us to mention them again. It's a prestige.

[00:10:27]>> Well I don't think any of these bubble tea places are and so I like they're just gener you know. So some of them are some of them aren't. These also they know that there's like there's these little hint things and I think they'll come up on social media which there's a not so secret drink menu that has all these different things and then they also have an exclusive at least in the states this black card that's gifted to loyal fans and some celebrities like Ben Affleck probably has one right and so I think that those little things if they target it right I don't know if those 18 to or 13 to whatever 35 proud are as elbows up as we'd like to think they are.

[00:10:59]>> I think I think we like to I think you're right. I think on the opening day there's going to be a lineup. I think for the first few months we're all going to be asking and wondering and thinking and then trying. Yep. And then I think it's going to fall flat like everything does.

[00:11:13]>> Yeah.

[00:11:14]>> Interesting time. Interesting time everybody. Okay. So BuzzFeed has a list of popular Gen Zed habits cuz we say zed here, not Gen Z.

[00:11:22]>> Gen Zed habits that people over the age of 30 are saying are totally useless.

[00:11:27]like taking flights at inconvenient times just to save some money. We're over it. We're over it.

[00:11:34]>> I'm not over that for >> over perhaps doing a full face of makeup before you even can leave the house.

[00:11:41]Okay, I get that. What's a useless young people habit, ladies, that you have given up that you >> Well, I'm working on giving this one up every single day, which is just having a negative selft talk about my body.

[00:11:54]>> And I think the thing is is yeah, it's hard. It's hard for women to do this. I think we have been so programmed to be critical. It depends on what family of origin you have or what cultural origin, but there's a lot of critique. I've got voices in my head that probably came from either cultural messaging or my family of origin. I love you, Mom. But still, there were some things that were said. Um, and I think actually I learned a lot of this from Jan Arden, Canadian icon. I think >> she's just been so embracing of her own body. And I think I remember one time I was complaining about something, oh, I can't go shirtless because of my arms.

[00:12:25]and she's like, "What did your arms ever do to you except for like just be there to hold you up and help you like write and do things and touch and hug and all these different things?" And I was like, "Yes, that is the reframe that we all need." So, I I I encourage all of you to start talking.

[00:12:39]>> Yeah.

[00:12:40]>> I I think um for me, it's just it's this it's not documenting every sandwich I eat or like every fancy coffee or or vacations that like why does everybody have to know why do I have to have a carousel of every vacation I go on? Like I'm really and I'm guilty of it. I'm doing it. I'm going to post today my outfit for >> But but generally I'm trying like in in other moments I'm trying to have like a secret life. Like I don't need everybody. What am I doing this for? So other people think I'm cool. Like I'm too old for that.

[00:13:09]>> Yeah. I'm cool. I know I'm cool.

[00:13:11]>> Okay. Think I'm >> mine is more practical.

[00:13:15]>> I Tom uh my special sleepover friend also my husband. We were not going to share an accommodation like a room with other couples. This is what I'm talking about. We went to a cottage. This was in our late 20s and it's the type of thing where it was a big cottage party before kids before kids. So there was only so many rooms and you sort of bunk in and you have like a a blowup mattress here and then a bed and then like you know pull out thingies. And so we were in this room with other couples and there had been some libations and we were partying. There was a lake. It was like that time and it was so joyful. And then everybody was going to sleep and I guess one of the couples felt romantic.

[00:13:49]>> Girl, >> girl, >> what? In the same room as you.

[00:13:53]>> Far. Okay. And we were maybe 28, 29, like too old for that. And I remember we stayed up all night and at 5:00 he was like, "You ready to go home?" We got our stuff. We got in the car and we were like, like we are never ever going to put ourselves in that position again. I will go to the Ritz Carlton. I will put down a mortgage payment. I am not doing that. anymore. I'm done with that. I want a room to myself.

[00:14:17]>> Friends of those people, by the way?

[00:14:18]>> No. No. I I have to take issue. Um I read this list and uh one of the people on the list, I'm sure they're a very nice person, but they'll never be friends with me, said that they are far too old to go clubbing anymore. Now, I understand if you know me, I understand if that's not your bag. I'm talking to you, Cynthia. I get it. Thank you.

[00:14:37]>> I will never stop. And I'm going to tell you why this. I am not too old. Please stop DMing me that I'm too old to go to the club. People, I will not name you.

[00:14:47]>> I will not name you. I am not too old because to me joy does not have an age and that is my joy.

[00:14:55]>> Yes, I am not too old. I will be the granny in the club in the middle of the dance floor.

[00:15:02]>> So, some things I don't want to grow out of. You know, I did grow out of needing a full face of makeup to leave the house. I remember being a kid going, I have to go down to the stable to muck horse stalls. That's scooping poop. I was like, needs a full face.

[00:15:18]>> But girl will still be in the club with a crop top and there do it.

[00:15:22]>> Never stopping.

[00:15:26]>> All right. So, this one comes from one of our viewers who wrote to us for a question with relation to prom because it's prom season everybody. So, they say, quote, "My son was invited to go to prom with his friend. They have known each other since they were nine. His girlfriend thinks that he should not go.

[00:15:45]>> Okay. Is it disrespectful to the girlfriend to go to prom?

[00:15:49]>> Wow. With his friend, Emma, what do you think?

[00:15:52]>> I think he's got to go cuz it's not his prom. It's not like he's choosing the friend over his girlfriend. That's a different story. I think she goes to a different school. This is my understanding. And he she has said, "Will you come with me to my prom at my school?" And the girlfriend is like, "Stay home." And I think if this is going to be a serious relationship, you got to let him go.

[00:16:11]>> You keeping him at home is not going to stop him from falling in love with somebody.

[00:16:15]>> Oh my god. I thought you were going to say if this is a serious relationship, he doesn't go.

[00:16:18]>> No, I think you got to let him go. If he's going to do it like he he's not with the friend. He picked his girlfriend. He loves you. Be confident.

[00:16:26]Let him go. Let them go. Always let them go. Go.

[00:16:30]>> I I I hate to do this. I'm going to teleport to What would you be at this age? 17 18 what's prom 17 18 whatever uh so a 17 18 19-year-old male was deeply insecure and was deeply jealous jeal ragy ragy jealous girlfriend this would never have gone down on my watch mature Mel would like to say if I can hold on to the same opinion that prom is something really special and I don't want you to pop your prom cherry with somebody else first Right. I I mean that meaning like prom is special. I want to do prom once with my boyfriend knowing he already went to somebody else's prom. That decreases how special that that thing should be for us.

[00:17:17]>> So you're not worried about like cheating or anything. IT'S >> I DON'T CARE THAT much about this topic.

[00:17:25]>> It's a friend, right? So So my best friend Shahid Ibrahim is a straight man and we met the first day of grade nine.

[00:17:31]Still friends to this day. A I went to two different proms with two different guys who are not in my life or that I don't talk to at all now.

[00:17:38]>> Far he's in love in love with me. He's not in love with me. No, he's gross. I think I'M GROSS. HE THINKS I'M GROSS. I think he's gross. He knows more about me than most.

[00:17:46]>> Wait, what?

[00:17:47]>> I'm telling you guys, it was my boyfriend at the time.

[00:17:50]>> He So he was dating my best girlfriend.

[00:17:53]So they went to prom together, but I remember being like, "Why don't the three of us go?" And he was like and his the girlfriend was like, "No, no, we're going. You go." So, I ended up going with his friend who I don't talk to anymore.

[00:18:04]>> I just think it's so interesting the the reaction initially from the audience is like we make all kinds of assumption about this friend. Like immediately we were all picturing that this girl has a massive crush on this guy. We don't know that to be true. We even or that she's even straight like we know nothing about this friend and immediately we're like no. So, I would say like what came up in this uh article and advice was about like how this could be disrespectful to the relationship to the current relationship and I say what if it's actually really disrespectful to this friendship like this concept we throw around this word of disrespect >> all the time and depending on what lens you're looking at it actually could be the exact opposite situation. So, I think that we need to know more information before we can fully answer this question about what is going on here.

[00:18:46]>> Sure. Sure.

[00:18:46]>> Okay. Yeah. And boys and girls can be friends.

[00:18:50]>> He is in love.

[00:18:51]>> What did you say, Farah?

[00:18:52]>> Boys and girls can be friends.

[00:18:53]>> No, they can't.

[00:18:54]>> No, they can't.

[00:18:56]>> I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

[00:18:58]>> I'm just kidding, guys. Don't write me.

[00:19:01]Okay. I'm just having a good time with my friends. Okay. Don't write me.