Golf Ball Torture | Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Added: 2026-05-13

[00:00:02]Golf.

[00:00:04]The best way to spoil a good walk.

[00:00:13]Winston Churchill said that.

[00:00:16]I'll say it's a dog-eat-dog world.

[00:00:19]And I've got bigger [music] taste than you, too.

[00:00:23]I think that finish one at a time is right.

[00:00:26]Perhaps not. Perhaps I should turn around and swing just to make sure.

[00:00:30]Give me a five iron, John. It's only dog.

[00:00:37]Now, keep still.

[00:00:47]Yes, Gordon, is there something you'd like to tell us?

[00:00:51]IT'S IN THE FIREPLACE. SHUT IT, YOU IDIOT. HE'LL YES, GORDON, YOU WERE SAYING? IT'S IN THE FIREPLACE. JUST PULL IT OUT. IT'S IN THE BOTTOM.

[00:01:01]It's in the fireplace, plank. Just pull it out. It's in the bottom. Oh, dog.

[00:01:07]I think you want to have a look at this.

[00:01:12]You're going to let me down now? Nah.

[00:01:14]I'm not finished with you yet.

[00:01:17]Still.

[00:01:22]>> [screaming] >> Oh, dog.

[00:01:36]Who the hell's that?

[00:01:38]It's only 12:00.

[00:01:41]Use the cage. That's what it's there for.

[00:01:48]Who is it?

[00:01:55]We we got security for a reason, Willy.

[00:01:58]Chill, Winston.

[00:02:00]It's only plank.

[00:02:04]This week's getting quite wet, you know, fellas. All right.

[00:02:07]Easy.

[00:02:08]Jesus.

[00:02:10]Never saw you there.

[00:02:12]Hello, love. Enjoying yourself?

[00:02:16]Is she comatose?

[00:02:18]What do you think?

[00:02:22]Boo.

[00:02:23][ __ ] me.

[00:02:25]Clean that up, Charles.

[00:02:28]So, do you clean it up?

[00:02:29]>> Sorry, fellas, but that stupid casket scared the [ __ ] life out of me.

[00:02:33]Never mind. Can you uh just sit down, stay out the way?

[00:02:41]Look, how much is it you want?

[00:02:43]I'm at after an half weight.

[00:02:46]Right, well, that's 1,500 then.

[00:02:48]Pass the scales, Willy.

[00:02:52]Give some gear, Jay.

[00:02:57]Any chance of actually seeing the uh money?

[00:03:10]The odds are 100 to 1.

[00:03:12]All as we need is five grand.

[00:03:15]I'd rather put my money on a three-legged rocking horse. The odds are 100 to 1 for a good reason, Bacon. It won't win.

[00:03:23]Where's Eddie?

[00:03:25]Where do you think?

[00:03:27]The bottom of a bottle, and has been for two days. It's hit him hard. Yeah, it's hit him all hard. Yeah, but he's got to tell his dad he's about to lose his pub.

[00:03:36]Listen to this one.

[00:03:38]You open up a company called ass ticklers [ __ ] fan club.

[00:03:41]>> You what? You take out an advert in the back page of some gay mag advertising the latest in ass intruding dildos.

[00:03:49]You sell it with, I don't know, does what no other dildo can do until now.

[00:03:53]The latest and greatest in sexual technology. Guaranteed results or your money back. All that bollocks. Now, these dildos cost 25 quid a pop. That's a snip for the amount of pleasure they're going to give the recipient.

[00:04:04]But, they send their checks to the other company name.

[00:04:07]Nothing offensive. Uh Bobby's Bits or something. For 25 quid, you take that 25 quid, you stick it in the bank until it clears.

[00:04:15]Now, this is the smart bit.

[00:04:17]You send back the check for 25 pound from the other company name, Arse Ticklers [ __ ] Fan Club, saying, "Well, you're sorry, and we couldn't get the supplies from America because they ran out of stock." Now, you see how many people cash that check.

[00:04:33]Not a single soul. Because who wants their bank manager to know they took a loss when they're not paying in checks?

[00:04:40]So, how long do you have to wait till you see a return?

[00:04:42]>> Probably no more than 4 weeks.

[00:04:44]A month?

[00:04:45]So, what [ __ ] good is that if we need it in six?

[00:04:49]No. 5 days.

[00:04:51]Well, it's still a good idea.

[00:04:55]You may know we smoke a lot and burn a bit of profit. You can't have any idea how much hard currency we've accumulated.

[00:05:02]I don't know.

[00:05:04]Do you know?

[00:05:07]We can just slice it off the top.

[00:05:11]You guys got to realize who this chap is.

[00:05:14]He might look a bit silly, but he's a [ __ ] lunatic.

[00:05:17]And if he gets the slightest inkling we're not throwing straight dice, then you and me are going to know what the sharp side of a kebab knife feels like.

[00:05:25]So, you know these guys as well?

[00:05:27]Well enough. I've been buying gear off one of them for a couple of years.

[00:05:31]So, what are they like, then?

[00:05:32]Poofs. Nothing heavy. Four public school boys off the shite.

[00:05:58]>> I just wanted to have a funny hit because they told me they talked bollocks.

[00:06:01]I just put it away and leave that so.

[00:06:03]Business is not bigger than what I can give up with.

[00:06:06]I can't always stay with them, can I?

[00:06:08]Think about it.

[00:06:10]I got a container load of cash in shoe boxes. It's a good class idea. Don't you think they're going to want someone to send 2.5?

[00:06:17]What about security? There's one steel gate as you go in, but they never lock it.

[00:06:21]What do you mean never lock it? What have they got it there for then? I must have been there 50 times, it's never locked. They're not suspicious.

[00:06:27]Everyone that goes there is a tough.

[00:06:29]They're all into that karma crap. If I don't harm nobody, nobody harms me stuff.

[00:06:34]No, well, I can get back to you.

[00:06:35]Even if I could, they'd be too [ __ ] scared. I'm a geezer.

[00:06:38]They've got no muscle.

[00:06:40]Cutlass [ __ ] Easy one.

[00:06:46]What's all the flapping about? You told the old man yet? Hoping I won't need to.

[00:06:52]I've got a plan.

[00:06:53]Now, listen carefully.

[00:07:06]Hello, boys. Harry.

[00:07:09]Do you want a drink? Hello, my son. Do you want a lolly?

[00:07:13]Piss off, you nonce. Oi.

[00:07:16]Watch it.

[00:07:17]No, thanks, Harry. We're both all right.

[00:07:20]Nice shooter.

[00:07:22]Yeah, one of a pair.

[00:07:24]London dollars. Do you want to hold it?

[00:07:26]Nah, not my thing, thanks, Harry.

[00:07:28]Business good? I imagine that's why I'm here.

[00:07:31]Four young fellas getting deeper than they could handle.

[00:07:34]They owe me half a million pound. How much?

[00:07:38]Half a million.

[00:07:54]>> Mhm.