Please don't kiss your girlfriend

Added: 2026-05-27

[00:00:00]So, this isn't a video that I exactly want to make, but I feel obliged to address this. And because this isn't a joke, this isn't something that should be taken light-heartedly.

[00:00:15]This isn't something where we should let our emotions run rampant and say, "Well, the church hasn't spoken definitively, so we can just kind of do whatever we want." No, it's not that. This is something that ultimately could offend the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. This is something that could lead beloved souls, sons and daughters of God, into mortal sin and possibly even into hell. So, when I'm addressing this, I want people to know that I'm not doing this for a gotcha moment or anything like that. I don't like making videos where I disagree with other Catholics. I really don't like it. It's contrary to my nature. I have a very agreeable nature.

[00:00:54]So know that as I'm doing this, this is a act of charity. I hope and I try I'm trying to be as open, as charitable, as humble as I can, willing to admit if I'm wrong. If there's a quote from John Paul II where he says, "Making out is not even venally simple." Please show me that quote. I would absolutely love to see that. But as far as I can tell, the mind of the church on this is quite clear. It's quite clear. And I want to say that whenever we're going through this, it's important to make this is so important and I'm not exempt to this myself, right? I have emotions. I have past experiences. I have hot button issues.

[00:01:32]We all do. But I want to encourage you, whoever you are watching this as we go through this to just try to set your emotions from the side or at least at the very least recognize them whenever those emotions pop up because what our emotions are supposed to do is be subordinated to our reason. So we think about things and then we determine what emotion is reasonable and then our emotions follow our reason. That's the way it's supposed to work. It's not the way it actually works most of the time.

[00:01:56]Our emotions will jump up and cloud our ability to think quick clearly. So as we're going through this, just be aware that many people have past experiences with this and issues of veneerial pleasure are very they're the most they're the sins most prone to cloud your judgment. So just be aware of that as we move forward. And just once again, I just want to reiterate this. I'm happy to be proven wrong. If there are quotes that I'm missing, if there is something I'm ignorant of, I found nothing in my research that supports the claim that passionate kissing prior to marriage is okay. It's just totally fine. If there's something I'm missing in sincerity, please feel free to leave in the comments. I haven't found it. And then I also want us to note that if you're in Gen Z or a millennial, you've grown up in the most hypersexualized culture of all time ever. Every TV show you watched growing up probably involved high schoolers hooking up. Every single commercial you ever saw. Well, maybe some few exceptions here and there, but you get the point. Everything was oriented towards sexual activity. So, for you and me, it's important for us not to just rely on this sort of instinct that we have from growing up.

[00:03:01]But we need to rely on what the church has actually revealed and the sound principles of moral theology that the church has given us. We can't be subject to the whims of the generation we grew up in. So, I want to just run us through a quite obvious thought experiment here.

[00:03:14]By the way, I put all of my thoughts into an article. If you want to see that, I'll link it in the description.

[00:03:18]You can have it on paper there. It's a little more polished in the written form. But just think about this for a second. Let's say that there's a 47year-old dad and he has a 17-year-old daughter. And this 47-year-old dad is just going about his day. He walks into the living room and he finds the boyfriend of his 17-year-old daughter passionately kissing her on the couch.

[00:03:37]They're just having a full-on makeout sesh right there on the couch. Let me tell you what the father doesn't do. The father doesn't say, "Well, in theory, this can be done without even venial sin. Therefore, I'll leave them to it."

[00:03:50]Oh, that's preposterous. Any father who's worth anything is going to immediately get up, say, "Get off my couch, get out of my house, kick out that 17-year-old boy." And he's going to do it because the father's primary job is to protect the chastity of his 17-year-old daughter. and he knows that that boyfriend making out with her on the couch is a violation of that chastity that he's supposed to be protecting. That's why he has that instinct. Get out of my house. That's what any good father would say if they found their 17-year-old daughter making out with their boyfriend on the couch.

[00:04:21]That's obvious. Okay. So, hopefully we can see that just from that illustration, it's pretty obvious that there's something sexual about making out. Now, the question will become, is making out something that's accidentally or essentially sexual? An accidentally subsexual act would be something that is not sexual in its nature but it becomes sexual because of the relationship of the persons or because of some circumstance. So for example, giving somebody a hug is not an essentially sexual action. A brother can hug a sister, a friend can hug a friend.

[00:04:49]There's nothing sexual about it.

[00:04:50]However, for two people who are young and healthy and very attracted to one another, a prolonged hug could be an occasion for arousal, occasion for those passions to get stirred up. So, a prolonged hug would be an example of something that's accidentally sexual.

[00:05:07]It's sexual not because of the nature of the act itself, but because of some circumstance outside of the act. Then you have actions that are essentially sexual and these are actions that are done for the sake of arousal or something that directly leads to the marital embrace. This is a really important distinction, but we're going to see that regardless of which you choose, if making outs or essentially sexual, it doesn't matter. Catholics can't do it anyway. I'm going to show you why in just a second here. I hope you follow my argumentation. Once again, feel free to disagree with me. I am not the pope. But every single thing I've read from every single trustworthy and reliable witness, Alfonsus the Gory, St. Thomas Aquinus, St. Francis the Sales, Pope Alexander IIIth, the Catechism, everything I read seems to indicate that this is not something single people should be engaging in. This is not something any unmarried person should be engaging in. If I'm missing something, let me know. So, now that we made this distinction between what's accidentally sexual and what's essentially sexual, we have to keep in mind an important principle, too. St. Paul in the scriptures says, "Fly fornication." I work with hundreds of Catholic men and we are working to grow in the virtue of chastity. And regarding the virtue of chastity, it's an axiom of the spiritual life that the coward wins the victory.

[00:06:15]Why? Because St. Paul says, "Flee fornication." The longer that we engage with these lustful thoughts, these lustful temptations, the longer that we fight against them, the more power they gain over us. St. Paul says, "Fly fornication. Flee it. Run away from it."

[00:06:30]The coward is the victor in battles of chastity. That's just the way that it works. Why? Because lustful thoughts and images, things that are veneerial pleasurable to us, they stimulate that pleasure. And when that pleasure rises up, it starts to cloud our reasons so that we can't think clearly anymore.

[00:06:47]Once we can't think clearly, then we're not able to see right and wrong as clearly. We're not able to will what is truly good as clearly. St. Paul's very clear, fly fornication. Okay. So, now that we understand all this, is making out essentially or accidentally sexual?

[00:07:01]If it's essentially sexual, everyone would agree that making out's reserved for marriage. Any activity that is directly for the sake of the marital embrace is reserved strictly and solely for marriage. No wiggle room there.

[00:07:12]Everybody agrees with that. Next side is what if it's only accidentally sexual.

[00:07:17]So if it's only accidentally sexual, you still run into a problem. Why? Because St. Paul says fly fornication. St. Paul says we need to run away from these near occasions of sin. And even if making out's only accidentally sexual, which is not my opinion, I think it's 100% quite clearly if you understand the principles of human nature, especially men, women, I feel like, can maybe compartmentalize making out from sexual activity. It doesn't work that way with men. It just really doesn't. In fact, I think that if a man is making out with a woman who he finds attractive and there's absolutely no arousal, there may be a medical issue or something psychologically very wrong.

[00:07:52]This is just how male brains work. I've spoken to over a thousand Catholic men on the phone. And I've worked with hundreds of Catholic men in person. I can name zero of them. Zero of them who would say that if they were making out with an attractive person of the opposite gender that it wouldn't do anything for them, right? That that's just it's preposterous. But even if we grant that making out's only an accidentally sexual act, it still is likely to arouse these passions. For the same reason that a boyfriend and girlfriend shouldn't give each other prolonged hugs that involve lots of physical contact, even though there's nothing sexual about the hug in and of itself, the same reason would apply why they shouldn't be making out. It's a it's a it just stirs up the passions and that's bad. St. Francis the sales when he's speaking about chastity in particular says this close your heart to every questionable tenderness or delight guard against all that is unprofitable though it may be lawful so even if we say that in theory making out's only accidentally sexual and it can be done in the way that doesn't arouse the passions well St. Francis the sales would say, "Close your heart to every questionable tenderness or delight.

[00:08:56]Guard against all that is unprofitable, though it may be lawful." So even if this is something that is lawful, even if you take the extreme opposite view of me, you see making out is something that's lawful in certain context, it's not profitable. Nobody thinks that this is a profitable action that leads you closer to Jesus Christ. It just doesn't.

[00:09:13]So even if you think making out's only accidentally sexual, you're going to have to grant that there's a high probability of arousal happening. We must avoid the near occasion of sin.

[00:09:22]Therefore, making out's still something you can't do before marriage. And here's the objection that everybody throws around like it's a gotcha moment, but being aroused isn't a sin. Okay? Yes, having an involuntary motion of your passions is not a sin. If something happens, there's an unforeseen circumstance and against your will you see something that arouses your passions, that's not a sin. It's not voluntary. Nobody thinks that that's a sin. However, voluntarily choosing to engage in actions that are certain or highly probable to arouse your passions is willingly putting yourself in the near occasion of sin. Scriptures are very clear. He who loves danger shall perish in it. If we're constantly putting ourselves in these near occasions of sin, that in and of itself is a sin. So, if you have some arousal that's from some unforeseen and involuntary activity or thing that you see, not a sin. If you are voluntarily choosing to get aroused, voluntarily choosing to engage in those things that will arouse you, that is a sin. This is a real real problem. We're just choosing to stir up passions that we can't use yet. That's what happens whenever single people are engaging activities that are likely to stir up those passions. They're getting their momentum going in a certain direction and they can't lawfully bring it about. This is dangerous. Imagine you have a firework and you really want to set off that firework. You're so excited about setting off a firework that you're just sitting at it, looking at sitting in your house looking at it. You're like, I'm gonna light the fuse. That's a good idea. You light the fuse. You're like, I'll put the fuse out. That's a stupid idea. Do you see this? Do you see this? The fuse should only be lit whenever you are actually ready to set off the firework. It's the same thing.

[00:11:05]You can see the analogy. Hopefully, I won't draw it out too much, but you can see how these two things cohhere. If you are lighting the fuse, what do you think's going to happen? eventually something bad. And even if nothing bad were to happen, these lighting the fuse, these arousing actions or activities that you're engaging in are in themselves sinful because they're not subordinated to reason because they can't come to their proper completion in the marital act. Okay? So, we can also pretty much prove that making out is an essentially sexual action because making out belongs to one person. The reason that you can only make out with one person is because making out is essentially a sexual activity. If it were the case that making out were only accidentally sexual, then you would expect other people to be engaging with it as well. So, for example, a hug.

[00:11:52]Well, if my wife were to hug her sister or a brother or a mom or dad or something like that, I would think nothing of it. It's not a big deal. Why?

[00:12:00]Because a hug is only accidentally sexual. It's not necessarily subordinated to the marital act. So, whenever we're looking at this, you can only have one person that you make out with. Anybody who has more than one make out person is a loose person. Why?

[00:12:13]Because making out is ordered towards the marital embrace. And you can only rightfully have the marital embrace with one person so long as they are alive.

[00:12:21]And another point is if you see two people making out in public, it makes you uncomfortable. Why does it make you uncomfortable? Because everybody knows where making out leads. And that type of activity can only be done in private. If you're making out in public, everybody knows that that belongs in the bedroom.

[00:12:36]So, I think it's quite obvious that making out is an essentially it's an intrinsically sexual act, which means it can only be done between man and wife in the proper context. And I think that if you say you're making out for another reason, especially if you're a man, you may not be being honest with yourself.

[00:12:52]For example, if somebody says, "Well, I'm going to go to the movies and I'm going to watch Fifty Shades of Gray because I I think the plot is interesting." That's foolish. You're putting yourself in the near occasion of scent. Or somebody says, "I'm going to go to a strip club because I like the music there." That's foolish, right? Do you see how you can't do watch the movie Fifty Shades of Gray without intending some sort of or being subsequently right there approximately involved with some sort of sexual temptation, you can't go to a strip club and listen to the music and not expect those other things to be around as well. Even if you're trying to make out for the sake of intimacy or something like this, you still can't do it. You can't do it because you're placing yourself in the proximate near occasion of sin. So, my spiritual director gave me something called the park bench rule. Basically, imagine an elderly couple on a park bench. Whatever they would do with one another, you're allowed to do with your fiance. Arm around the shoulder, maybe holding hands, kiss on the cheek, all of that is fine. Anything beyond that should be reserved exclusively for marriage. And I just want to say as somebody who has spent hours and hours working with men to grow in the virtue of chastity, the question is never, how can I best safeguard my chastity and my partner's chassity? That's very rarely the question. The question almost always is from these young men, how far can I go before it's a sin? Why? Because human nature naturally tends towards that which is pleasurable. It's looking for an excuse to sin. It's looking for an excuse to get as much pleasure as possible without severing your relationship with the Lord. That's what human nature tends towards. And so, if you say that you can make out before marriage and it's totally fine, there's no sin involved, right? Assuming that you're doing it for the right reasons, you're doing it in the right way, etc., etc., If you do that, they're going to take that as an excuse. They're going to take that as a permission. They're going to say, "Oh, some reliable Catholic online told me that making out isn't a sin. Therefore, you and I should start making out, talking to his girlfriend."

[00:14:36]Boom, bada bing. They fall into sin and fall into sin rather quickly. There are very, very, very, very few men, if any, who are capable to have a passionate kissing session, a make out session that doesn't result in some sort of lustful pleasure. And I just want to conclude by saying this is all for the love of Jesus Christ, the son of God, who shed his blood to save you. You have been bought at an infinite price. You have a sword of infinite dignity. Your guardian angel is with you at all moments, begging you to make the right decision, begging you to grow in purity and chastity, and in love of the Lord ultimately. Is this behavior something that helps that that helps you to grow closer to the Lord? or is this behavior something that could potentially endanger your salvation and waste the precious blood of Jesus? These are questions we need to ask very seriously. Once again, I'm not comfortable doing call outs. I didn't mention any names in this and I'm not going to. But we need to be aware that the purpose of your life is to know, love, and serve Jesus Christ, the son of God. To honor him as much as is possible with your every thought, word, and deed.

[00:15:39]St. Paul says, "Pray constantly."

[00:15:41]Constantly. Every moment of your life should be a prayer or a sacrifice offered to the Lord. This type of behavior does not befit your dignity as a as a Christian. It simply does not.

[00:15:51]This type of behavior puts you in danger of losing your salvation. We need to be very aware of this. We need to offer our desires to the Lord. Look, if you're engaged or dating somebody that you're going to be engaged to soon, you'll have the rest of your life to do whatever you want in this regard. But for now, what the Lord is calling you to is to reserve those acts for the married state where they can be done lawfully and properly in a way that's not going to put you in danger. Offer this up as a sacrifice to the Lord and wait until the appointed time. And the last thing I'll say here is even if you disagree with me, you think I'm dead wrong. You think, "Yeah, it is accidentally sexual, but I can do it without stirring up any of my passions." Please, I would encourage you just in charity, in the holy love of Christ, please keep that opinion to yourself and don't spread that because let's say that there's something exceptional about you. You are chased enough to be able to make out with your girlfriend without stirring up these passions. Well, if that's the case, know that you're the exception and not the rule. And if we put the exception out there as the norm, people are going to start doing it. If people think that it's okay to do this because it's okay for you to do this, if you disagree with me and you think you can do this without sin, then people are going to start falling into this. And I can say from experience, I know over 90% of men are not even close to chasteed enough to do that without arousing the passions. So if you disagree with me, I would just encourage you, please keep your opinion to yourself because it's not helpful to spread this opinion. And if you enjoyed that and you want to see a video where I explain how to beat lust, then click on this video next. God bless.