WOMEN ARE DECENTERING MEN WITHIN THEIR MARRIAGES AND ESTABLISHING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES!

Hinzugefügt: 2026-05-12

[00:00:00]One of the biggest ways that I have centered myself and desentered my husband is by not taking on labor that isn't mine.

[00:00:07]>> This is my micro feminism of the day.

[00:00:11]Um, one of the ways I desenter men is uh I don't work while men are standing around talking. But you're what you're describing and potentially with this periopause or menopause and the veil lifting and you're choosing yourself and that maybe is you're finally choosing yourself and you're like, "Hey, this is and I'm moving on."

[00:00:32]>> And whether it's hormone based or not, like for some women, I think the cherry menopause can be a catalyst and an effective tool to help bolster them to take the steps to finally choose themselves. A lot of men are going to struggle. The more women start to do stuff like this, a lot of men are going to struggle. And I'm going to tell you, the reason you're struggling is because of your entitlement. I was just having this discussion the other day about how women um who are married can be center men. Um because people who are chronically online and um people who are performative too I think a lot of people are performative in these spaces and in any space but definitely in like political spaces a lot of people are performative. A lot of people don't believe what they what they what they say. They they also don't even understand the things that they're talking about a lot of times. Um but you know uh desentering men is a concept that has a has a broadreaching application right I think we should desenter men politically economically socially and in every other way I think we should desenter men I I don't think that society should revolve around men I don't think that Um, I don't think that uh child identity should be should go through men like paternity. I I don't think it should go through men. Um, I don't think men should be the leaders. I don't think that men should be able to hoard resources. Uh, I want to desenter men starting at the top. Personally, I want to decenter man in my own personal life.

[00:02:29]Meaning I don't I don't like I've already done it. Like I don't care about what men think about me. I don't care what men think about me in general. Like as a group, as a class, I don't care. It doesn't mean I don't care about what some men think about me, but I don't care about what men think about me. I don't care what I don't care what the fraternity has to say about me. I don't care what the cult of man has to say about me. I couldn't care less.

[00:02:54]Right?

[00:02:56]So, I'm actively unpacking my misogyny and therefore I am actively desentering men and I am a man and I'm married and I feel like men need to decenter me more than anybody. So, I don't understand how married women can't desenter me. You know what I mean? I don't get that. I don't understand that concept. It doesn't make sense to me. seems counterintuitive to any movement um rooted in the concept of feminism.

[00:03:26]Feminism is centered around women and children.

[00:03:31]Yes, it wants equity and da but if you if you center women and children then everybody will eat and everybody will be provided for and so on and so forth. We know that all right.

[00:03:43]Um so by default we are to be a feminist and to espouse feminist ideology and to believe in it one must desenter.

[00:03:55]That is my belief on decenting men. Now if somebody has a different opinion about it that's on them.

[00:04:01]I leave it I leave it up to you. You know what I'm saying? But that's how I view decenting men. I think that we collectively, men and women, should be decentering men at every conceivable turn. Um, but when I listen to women talk about decentering men, I like to I like to hear how they're doing it. I think it is very interesting and also think also think that men need to hear it from women too.

[00:04:30]One of the biggest ways that I have centered myself and desentered my husband is by not taking on labor that isn't mine. And I'm going to focus on mental and physical labor. Emotional labor is a completely separate topic which I will cover in another video or probably multiple other videos. So this is the pattern and the rules that emerged in my marriage as well as previous relationships. My husband would say something like, "I think we should host Thanksgiving this year." Or, "I need some new shirts." And I would spring into action.

[00:05:03]>> I thought about this the other day. It was something like in my house. And I was like, in my head I was thinking about like talking to my wife about it, but then I was like, why? Like, why don't you just buy it, you know, or whatever. And I forget what it I haven't even bought it yet cuz I forgot. I don't even remember. It was something small.

[00:05:19]But I just remember thinking that, you know, like you should just buy it instead of like talking to her about it.

[00:05:26]Like she does that. She just buys stuff for the house, too. But okay, here's the thing, though. This this also happened, too. And this is not to excuse men who do this, but I do think that this is funny. So, we have those like Clorox like uh toilet cleaners that have the little, you know, they have these like little discs and it has like a handle and you, you know, stick it on and clean the toilet with. And I love using those to clean the toilet. So, I had ordered a box of them and then they got here and then my wife was like, "Hey, just so you know, we have a bunch of those." And I was like, "Oh, I didn't know." She was like, "Yeah, you should talk to me before you do that." See? So, it's like, you know what I'm saying? It's like, it's like in a way, you know, when you when you're doing like stuff for the house, you might want to talk to your partner. And it's not a bad thing to have two boxes of those because it's not like they're going to go bad. So, it's not that big of a deal. But yeah, you know what I'm saying? It's like it's it's a you know, it's a fine line. You know what I'm saying? Like, how how when should I bring it to her attention and when should I just do it on my own, you know? So, yeah. But I I think to air on the side of caution, I rather just just talk to her about it and just be like, "Hey, I'm gonna order this or I was thinking about ordering this." I think that's a good way to approach that.

[00:06:38]>> And I would make his ideas my responsibilities. What I realized after doing this for years was that I was unconsciously accepting the role of the planner, the executive, the translator, and the anticipator. But now that I am doing the work of desentering him and centering myself, when I hear him express a wish or a preference or an idea, I pause before I react and I ask myself, is this mine? And if the answer is no, then I say, "That sounds great.

[00:07:12]Let me know if I can help." And I leave it at that. So now, if he were to say, "I think we should host Thanksgiving this year." I would say, "Oh, that sounds great. Let me know what I can do to help." A big hurdle in doing this is surrendering control of the outcome.

[00:07:28]Because when you do this, you have to be okay with it getting done in a way that you wouldn't do it.

[00:07:37]>> Now that's Now that's interesting.

[00:07:44]Yeah, that's interesting.

[00:07:46]Um and I don't I don't think that I don't think women are controlling. I think that and I don't mean that I'm saying that in general. I don't think women are controlling. I think women are used to doing things.

[00:08:03]And I think women are generally better at doing these things because they have been the ones doing them. You know, it's not a natural thing. It's not like women are just born better at cooking dinner and You know, I don't believe that at all. But like, you know, they they've been the ones planning the the whole time.

[00:08:20]So, it's one of those things where you have to like allow him to fail even if that, you know what I mean? Like you have to allow the other person to fail even um if you know that they're going to fail.

[00:08:35]You know, maybe you can suggest something like, hey, I wouldn't do it that way. And if they take the suggestion, fine. But like beyond that, you know what I mean? Like not getting too involved in it. Um so that that way you're not, you know, doing the labor. I think I think that that's a fine line, too. I think that's very interesting.

[00:08:52]Yeah, because I could see that. I could see how that could be an issue in that in that instance where because she has done it so many times, she's watching you do it and you're and it's not that you're not doing it the way that she would. It's that she literally recognizes like he didn't do this and he's and it's probably going to be it's probably not going to come out the way he wants it to. You know what I'm saying? So, you know, it's like, do you hold that information back? Probably not. You do tell him, but he doesn't.

[00:09:21]Again, I think that it's on the man to listen at that point.

[00:09:25]>> And you have to be okay with things being done imperfectly. A recent real life example of this was my husband had said for quite a while, he said, "I think we should plant tulips in the front yard." And in the past, I would have made that my job. He would have said, "I think we should plant tulips."

[00:09:41]And then I would have learned all about planting tulips. I would have gone and got the tulips. I would have set up the day that we were going to plant the tulips. I would have made that happen for him. But now, >> sounds like a wife. Sounds like like wives. Women are programmed, man. Women are robots.

[00:10:00]They're machines when it comes to this.

[00:10:02]Like they just they make happen.

[00:10:06]Women make happen for everybody.

[00:10:09]>> He has said multiple times, I think we should plant tulips. And I just let him do it. I I waited until he made that happen for himself. I didn't step in and make his wishes or his idea my responsibility and he planted the tulips and they looked amazing and it didn't become my labor. The point of desentering is to return to yourself.

[00:10:30]Because when a woman lives with her male partner centered in her life, she slowly erodess. her identity and her worth slowly disappear as she orients her life toward him. And that's what I realized when I took a look at all the labor that I was taking on that I didn't need to take on that wasn't my labor that weren't my ideas was that I was spending so much time making his wishes and dreams and goals and ideas into a reality that I was completely forsaking mine. In fact, I didn't even know what I wanted anymore because there wasn't much time left over for what I wanted. So, my advice to you would be to notice when he has an idea or has a suggestion or says, "I think we should do something fun this weekend. Do you spring into action or do you let him finish that himself?"

[00:11:22]>> Yeah. Like to that to that question, it would be like, "What were you thinking about doing?" You know what I'm saying?

[00:11:27]Like, yeah, I I every what she's saying makes perfect sense. I totally hear exactly what she's saying. And um I do also think that the more I listen to her, it's like it's not even like she's centering herself necessarily. It's just she is cuz she she's taking care of herself. You you know what I mean? Like she's not like putting herself first, if that makes sense. She's not putting herself over the greater good of their relationship or their kids or whatever.

[00:11:54]She's just saying like, I need to take care of myself because nobody is taking care of me.

[00:12:00]The man is being taken care of by the woman and he's taking care of himself.

[00:12:05]The woman is taking care of everybody else. Nobody's taking care of her. So, she's like, "Well, I'm going to keep my eyes on my own paper. You keep your eyes on your own paper." You know, and I I totally I totally understand. I think that is a very very healthy and smart approach.

[00:12:21]>> This is my micro feminism of the day.

[00:12:24]Um, one of the ways I decenter men is, uh, I don't work while men are standing around talking or if they're relaxing.

[00:12:32]And that's not because I begrudge anybody relaxing, but um, but I won't be in motion while they are doing that.

[00:12:40]Either we're all working together or we're all relaxing together. But, um, I am not a women working in the kitchen while men are sitting on the couch kind of thing. So, my husband had been telling me how much stuff he had to do around the farm today. And I was like, I can help you in the afternoon. So, I was helping him. Then his dad rolled up and his dad likes to chat. And uh I completed the task. My husband was still sitting there talking with his dad. I was like, "Okay, I'm out. I'll see you later." And I know he's not going to say anything to me about it cuz he knows that um I'll stay and help as long as we're all helping. But I will not be laboring while the men are chillaxing.

[00:13:18]>> Again, fair.

[00:13:21]Fair. Makes a lot of sense, man. I It's It's just sensible. It's just a sensible approach. I get it.

[00:13:27]Yeah. And it's little. I mean, it's major, but it's, you know, it's it's not like, you know, when like it's not like they have like they're turning a relationship, doing a complete 180. And I don't know, not like that. It's just very just subtle, but it means a lot.

[00:13:44]Cuz imagine that. Like imagine not being in motion.

[00:13:49]Like you're basically like if they're not in motion, I'm not in motion.

[00:13:52]Imagine how much less labor women would would do.

[00:13:58]He takes a break, you take a break. I'm going to go in the house. I got to take a I got to take a dump. All right, I'll wait for you.

[00:14:05]You know what I'm saying? Like, imagine that.

[00:14:08]Yeah. I I think it's genius. I love I I actually like all of this. I think this is very smart.

[00:14:14]And here, like, here's the downside, quote unquote, to that.

[00:14:19]Because I know men like most men will not appreciate this or or or respect it or understand >> because a lot of times men are shocked, right? Especially the in as we get older the gray divorce and it's I think they're shocked because they're looking at well the situation we're in is pretty good. It's not that bad. But you're what you're describing and potentially with this periopause or menopause and the veil lifting and you're choosing yourself and that maybe is you're finally choosing yourself and you're like, "Hey, this is and I'm moving on."

[00:14:51]>> And whether it's hormone based or not, like for some women, I think the cherry menopause can be a catalyst and an effective tool to help bolster them to take the steps to finally choose themselves. Um but like in Jasmine's situation, she had already gone through that. It helped her raising young children. So like when she got help, you know, but she before it wasn't helping her, but she got help. But um I think you're right. I think women do such a great job creating an amazing domestic life in general that men are just humming along not realizing you need to check in with her. You she still needs attention. And um and then you get to this point midlife where she's like enough.

[00:15:38]>> Well, because you express it. So I >> I think I think men don't care though. I think that's the problem is men don't care. Men don't care. Men think that women are there for, you know, to wait on us and, you know, wait on our every beck and call and all that stuff. I I think that's usually what it is. And um it's really just a sense of entitlement.

[00:15:59]I think that what you what you're saying is just coming out of the blue, right?

[00:16:03]So everything was hunky dory and then in the moment that I was like, "Oh, now that I have this space that I realize I might be lonely or this might be missing or I might need this in my marriage, um it is surprising to express it and it might take a man to a minute to like, oh my god, you know, cuz men they they show their love and they show up in different ways than we do. So while we're creating this environment, you know, they're out working for it. And I want to I like >> No, ma'am. Men don't show their love in different ways.

[00:16:35]I think love is I think I think that love can only be shown in in one way.

[00:16:41]And I and I don't mean that in one action, but in one way, you know, if I don't think that it it's the concept.

[00:16:50]I'm not again I'm not talking about the actual thing. Um, but going to work doesn't isn't a man showing he loves his family at all. Serial killers. BTK went to work every day and provided for his family. I didn't show that he loves his family. Like, be for real.

[00:17:07]>> Totally respect that. Everything that we've had, I created, but it was funded by, you know, him. But the the diff the thing is is whether it is situational or >> Gen X, leave that alone. Leave those thought those thoughts are not productive.

[00:17:22]that they're not true. That's crazy.

[00:17:25]>> But o ultimately overall though, I 100% agree with um all these women and well, not all of them, but definitely the first two women. 100% agree. 100% agree.

[00:17:35]And men, the reason why, you know, like we're going to struggle. We're going to struggle. A lot of men are going to struggle. The more women start to do stuff like this, a lot of men are going to struggle. And I'm going to tell you, the reason you're struggling is because of your entitlement. Get rid of your entitlement. Get rid of your expectations. She doesn't owe any of this labor to you. Start showing up for yourself. Showing up for her. You'll be perfectly fine. Perfectly fine. Matter of fact, you can preemptively do it. You don't got to wait for her to start doing this stuff. You can do it beforehand.