These Wives Are Using the Internet to Control Their Husbands' Behavior

Added: 2026-05-12

[00:00:00]I want to talk about the way that a lot of women will triangulate the internet to try to get their husbands to behave.

[00:00:07]Like there's a lot of different kinds of posts uh about husbands that suck on the internet. And I talked to the cut about this when they interviewed me for this article about the like Kristen and Dax type relationship. So I think there's a few different categories. And this is an example of the kind where I don't know if this woman will ever leave this man.

[00:00:28]she's just going to complain about him forever um and use the internet to try to keep him in line. Uh Dr. Cecilia Regina and I talked about this on our our live on YouTube last week. Um go follow her if you're not. She's the one who really may help me understand this.

[00:00:43]But basically with this kind of content about like husband sucking is the kind that is it it feeds into the like let's commiserate over complaining and not actually taking action. Now, there's a different kind. I believe there's the like there's the Kristen and Dax kind which are celebrities, right? And that's their brand relatable marriage being he sucks and she's like the the amaz he's he's the bad boy, she's like the amazing one and they just whatever. That's a brand that's a whole different thing.

[00:01:12]That's selling a product which is their relationship which is why I give them so much crap. Then there's the kind that are women who are posting online who uh don't realize how much their husbands actually hate them until women are like what why are you what like this man doesn't seem to like you and they literally get education online in real time about their relationship and you know one woman particularly I'll try to remember to um tag her she actually got a divorce because of she started posting about her husband and realizing from the comments and then from watching me and my mutuals talk about this and other women who and women who had left their relationship that she was actually in a terrible marriage and it wasn't serving her anymore. But then there's the other kind of women who I don't know if they'll ever leave because they're really attached to being the victim and the martyr. And this is especially popular with white women. All right, that's part of our conditioning is to submit to this man who sucks. And in exchange for that, we get proximity to power. We get maybe financial security.

[00:02:13]We get the social capital of being married and having kids and having like the Instagrammable life, but then we get to use that man to hide behind for the rest of our lives every single thing that we're not doing that we want to be doing and we blame him. That doesn't mean that some women aren't in terrible relationships they can't get out of and that they shouldn't complain about it.

[00:02:32]But I want you to understand how much of this social condition goes back to us swallowing our rage at the way that our our male partners are treating us or our dads or our brothers or just any of the men in our life, particularly white men, how they're treating us, we swallow it.

[00:02:47]We swallow and then eventually we become Karens if we weren't already, right?

[00:02:51]Even I mean that's how like even the most liberal white woman can expose herself as a Karen because a lot of those women haven't really unpacked u white supremacy culture at all which is a lifelong journey and never end but they also aren't dealing with the the the number one enemy in their life which is often times their partner this man that's exploiting them. They don't want to look at that. That's too hard. That would mean that would mean being humiliated. That would mean admitting to that would mean getting divorced. that would mean losing uh all your whole friend group because all the other women that you know hate their husbands because they're also being exploited and you all bond over complaining. So, I've been talking about this a lot uh for years. And what I really I realized, you know, uh because, you know, I'm I'm usually not um the subject of I usually don't suffer from Kairens very much because, you know, I'm white. But basically, Kairens are, you know, that term is a very legit term that was uh rooted in white women's anti-blackness particular, but um just racism. So, before you come on and be like, Karen, is that it actually is a valid term.

[00:03:58]However, white men has ruined that term and white men use that literally to make fun of uh women in general, but especially white women who stand up for themselves and whatever, right? But in general, like the Karen that is most known is the one who is absolutely using whatever power she has to take it out on the rest of the world that she has has power over. So that's obviously always going to be people of color, but especially black people, right? Black and brown people. especially black people because the anti-blackness is at like the root of all of this. It's going to be anyone she has financial power over uh like if at work, anyone that she has, you know, anyone she has systemic power over or if she is on like the school board or you know if she is a customer at a restaurant, that's what we're most known for. And the this within this hierarchy being able to take out your anger um on everyone you have power over. It's like this or on your children or if you're a nurse, you know, we know a lot of white women in position are in positions of power where they're like the martyr and the savior and whatever, but actually they get off on that power. Nurses, teachers, you know, any kind of uh kind of like serving people kind of thing. A lot of white women in those positions end up being monsters. And one of the reasons why I talk so much about desentering them desentering men and especially why white women need to do this really bad is because the men who are terrorizing the entire world which is white wealthy men especially they would not survive without us. And so as long as we keep putting off dealing with the main source of our problem which is usually the the men closest to us in our life. Right?

[00:05:39]So, if you are married to a man who is your number one uh hater, who's not your teammate, who's not your partner, who doesn't who doesn't like admire you and really respect you and truly love you, he's probably going to be your hater. Either he's going to passively hate you and resent you and just kind of exploit you or he actually see like really hates you. There's so many men out there who who really just don't like their wife.

[00:06:05]And a lot of it is because of that entitlement, their own self-hatred, their own male supremacy and all that stuff. They have And as long as women keep staying with these men and and and keep giving and overgiving and and exhausting themselves, then you're going to keep being mad at the wrong people.

[00:06:22]And then you're going to constantly use the internet or your female friends or someone just anybody to kind of try to control that man. And I remember when in and you know I grew up in the south where white woman victimhood is like that moves mountains. Okay. Um it is an integral part of society is our victimhood and our tears which is how they literally got away. Uh I mean that's that like none of the terror in the south would have happened to black people if it wasn't for us. Right. We you our our victimhood is what um gives like legitimizes um uh violence against uh the black community es in systemic violence. police by the brutality of the state is always used is is justified by us being victims and us being fragile and us being attacked when really, you know, instead of being afraid of this, you know, this stranger danger and this, you know, of immigrants of, you know, of of of this character out there who's out to get you or some of being trafficked, be more afraid of your freaking husband or your dad or your brother or your grandpa or your son living in the basement. exploiting the hell out of you that you're bending over backwards for paying his bills and he may actually kill you one day because of his own, you know, self victimization and entitlement and resentment. Now, I'm not saying that all uh, you know, the the the violence of white women is rooted in uh a man oppressing them. Um, some women, I don't know, they may be singly just completely racist on their own because all white people are racist. We are taught to be that way, right? the same way like or all you know I I am misogynistic. I was taught that way and I'm a woman and I love women but I have to unpack what I was taught which is to devalue women to to to objectify to not um respect not to to not value women including myself right so if I have to unpack that and I am a woman then all white people have to unpack this because we're the position these people who benefit from this violence against people of color but especially black indigenous and other people and and all people of color but especially like the more melanated usually the more our violence goes towards them, right? Because colorism always plays in this as well. And so, white women have been taught to to infantilize ourselves, right? We are like boss right? We can go out and do anything. And yet, when it comes to these men, you know, like like we don't actually need these men, but we'll, you know, like this woman is with this man. She posted a video and it went viral. Another gourmet dinner from my chef after a 13-our shift. And it is like nasty carrots, like not even cooked, right?

[00:09:05]Rice and sweet potatoes. And it looks so stupid. And this man doesn't care. And then of course there is another a follow-up video teaching my husband to cook. So Tik Tok stops bullying him. And that's not what's happening here. Tik Tok is not bullying him. Tik Tok is calling him out. And you put him in that position to be bullied. You keep posting this stuff. But the thing is is that she looks like a fool if she stays with him.

[00:09:29]Unless a she's going to use the internet to humiliate him and then she's going to also use the internet to put him back in line cuz leaving him she's not probably not willing to do so she'll just keep posting videos about him being stupid and it's a pressure release vow right it it it gives her someone to complain to.

[00:09:46]Maybe her friends don't want to listen to it anymore so she'll post it for us.

[00:09:50]I'm not saying that this man hates her but this is what white women have been taught to do is to not directly confront the person who is the issue. Whether it's our daddy or our husband, brother, like whatever man it is, if she does not confront him, if she doesn't stand up to her dad who maybe she's caregiving for and and self-sacrificing for, if she doesn't stand up to her husband and call them out on this stuff and call him out on the labor exploitation and and you know, and and risk maybe losing her marriage, then she's going to do what white women have been taught to do, which is, and it's not just white women, but I just want to tell you because I I I can't speak for every woman on this.

[00:10:28]But growing up around white women, I mean, I was raised by a single mom, thank God, so I didn't have to deal with this. But, uh, well, going to pe my friends houses and just being I mean, I grew up in the South. I couldn't believe how much white women make fun of their husbands and seem to actually hate them. And one of the reasons they hate them is because they are absolutely being exploited by them, but they also don't want to leave them. and they don't want to call them on their because they don't want to risk losing whatever they get from this marriage or to be humiliated by being a single mom, right? It's still not cool to be a single mom, even though it's becoming cooler and cooler. By I mean cooler, I mean more admirable to be a single mom than being stay with a deadbeat who hates you. And so instead of actually directly confronting this man with real consequences and being like, "No, I'm not doing this anymore.

[00:11:18]like we need to uh and and some women don't confront these men because they know the men aren't going to change and they like they know but I've actually you know one of the women that I helped um coach like for her writing and she got an article published um about it was the the hardest thing for her to face was to send to call her husband out on him not doing what he needs to be doing because she was starting to resent the hell out of him and was miserable and she called him out on it and like a lot of women realizing if they have to have these hard conversations with these men and if the men really love them, they will change. But if they don't love them, they're absolutely not going to.

[00:11:52]Then you're faced with like, well, now you you either leave them or you stay and know and and kind of hate yourself. And so this woman publishes so much about her husband, selling her husband, her whole uh page is about being a mom and having and all of her children and her husband. And I don't know if she's trying to be like a family blogger or something, but there was also a direct pipeline from women who complain about their husbands to women who post their kids um incessantly online and exploit them. Because like I said before, a lot of women who are really not happy in their situation, es like white women in particular, will then go on to exploit other people to um to take it out on. It's the cycle of violence. So then she'll like she will also like humiliate him just enough, right? Because she and and and and you know I do not hang out in circles with women who do this. All right, but I grew up in that world and I've definitely seen plenty of it. And so in in in in my world, if I start to com there's this thing where you can I can talk about my relationship uh whether it's my marriage or a friendship or something with work or whatever, I can talk about what's going on with men and like kind of complain about men with my other friends um with the understanding that sometimes it's just something that happens that day and it's not an actual issue and sometimes it's an actual issue that needs to be addressed.

[00:13:23]And uh if I'm going to complain about it, I have to be willing to change it.

[00:13:26]If I'm going to if I I if I'm not willing to talk to my husband about the things that I am talking to my friends about in terms of complaining, then I don't really what what am I doing here?

[00:13:36]What am I doing here? Because I do not want to fall into this where I complain to the internet. I complain to my friends and I don't talk to the one person that could actually we could actually problem solve this thing with.

[00:13:50]Because as a white woman, I was not taught to directly confront the the actual conflict. And sometimes the conflict is a misunderstanding.

[00:13:59]Sometimes it's a labor issue of of my own conditioning or his conditioning cuz we are both conditioned under patriarchy, right? And then you each have your own level. You're on we're all on the spectrum and you know how much we've deconstructed, how much uh what you grew up with, what you grew up watching. You know, luckily I grew up with a single mom. So, um, it it has never occurred to me that I will ever rely on a man to take care of me. I'm an independent woman who is free to leave at any point, and baby, I will. But I also didn't grow up with two parents who argued healthily in front of me and who had conflict and then repaired, right?

[00:14:36]So, I had to learn those skills elsewhere. And I absolutely get called out regularly for not saying something I should be saying and being passive aggressive or talking through my dog.

[00:14:46]you'll I would literally have my you know that's like the epitome of passive aggressiveness is being like have my dog say something instead of me saying it right and so I know that there there's traces of this in me which is why I have to stay on top of it which is why I talk to my friends who are going to call me out but women who are in relationships where they're really attached to being the victim and attached to who who don't want to lose who don't want to be alone at any no matter what and who are also attached to being that victim who and can hide behind that and blame their man for whatever is going on in their life instead of taking ownership of the things they can change will then go on the internet and then humiliate him when he falls asleep before I get home from work and she picks his no and this whole this whole this is gross like I'm not a fan of him but if you ever saw if you ever see me posting a a a video of me humiliating my husband for fun like filming him while he's asleep and sticking my finger up his nose and then and him being like what? And and waking up like really confused.

[00:15:50]Please stop following me um or call me out because if I'm ever doing that, that means there is a serious problem in our marriage that I'm not dealing with and I'm being a hypocrite with y'all. I mean, he was like whatever. Maybe he's acting here. But this like performing relationships online. Some people perform perfect relationships and then other people come online and they're like like it's a humiliation ritual. And Dr. Cilia Regina is the one who popularized that term, by the way.

[00:16:18]Coming in and letting men humiliate them. And they they they share with us all the stuff that men are are doing.

[00:16:24]And I don't think that they it's not that they shouldn't share because women learn a lot by watching what these women are sharing. But start to ask yourself, why are they sharing this? Who is this for? And what a lot of women don't realize when they come online to share how awful their husbands are. Even if it's just like petty little things, they think that the everyone else is like them. They think that the other people, the women who are going to watch their videos are like their girlfriends who are like, "Yeah, my husband sucks, too."

[00:16:50]And one of the things that I'm most proud of is the one my best friend who I talk about all the time. She she's told me that one of the things reason why she calls me for advice and and then vice versa. She goes, "I know that if I call you about something, you're never going to just say what an asshole." You know, unless it's earned. Sometimes she'll complain and she just needs to like tell me what happened, but she knows that like anytime there's something that that's come up in their marriage that I'm I'm not going to gaslight her. I'm going to listen to her point of view, but I'm also going to ask some hard questions to see like what are you do?

[00:17:24]Are you like what what part of that is from in here? Because a lot of this comes from in here. And then men just exploit our own socialization or men just kind of keep doing their thing not realizing that we are literally martyring ourselves a lot of times even when they don't ask for us to do that.

[00:17:43]And so the the other thing I want to mention is what really may help me understand how much women will eat so much from men and then take it out on people they have power over which um which again is is very common with white women and especially the more privilege they have is as a waitress.

[00:18:04]you know, having to wait on on customers where there is a man who is fully hitting on me in front of his wife and sometimes his children and this happens all the time and it's gross and I try not to play into it and I'm like and I can't be a jerk and I can't be like stop talking to me that way but I'm kind of like I try not to flirt back but I try to like def you know diffuse the situation or whatever. The worst thing that happens is when that and I could give the best service ever, but the worst moment comes when I come to drop the check and she picks it up and she's paying cuz guess whose tip is sucks. Get or you know the tip she may she may punish me with a tip. She may punish me with a bad Yelp review or she just might be a complete the entire time, right? Or she may do nothing and she may be really nice to me but then she's a jerk to the to the the the the buser. or she may be fine to all of us and then she goes to her work the next day and starts bullying a black woman that she has power over. Right? Because this stuff, you know, you can only eat so much crap from your partner who you are like who you share everything with in terms of money, finances, life, who you're overperforming for, who are doing all of this labor for and he does that and humiliates you in public. Those women are usually end up, you know, cracking at a certain point. And if they don't deal with the the person who's responsible for it, which is men, the patriarchy, right? That is our number one uh op. Although if you're, you know, if you're in another uh marginalized uh identity, then you have that as well.

[00:19:37]But if you are a woman raised under patriarchy, women and fem, then we know men are always going to be our number one villains and predator. And yet so many women refuse to deal with the number one oppressor and just take it and take it and be and be a victim victim and hate him and blah blah blah complain to everyone else, including the internet, and then bully anyone they have power over eventually, especially their kids. Anyway, I could say so much more about this. I think about this all the time, and anytime I see a woman being a complete to other women, I immediately am like, "What man are you not dealing with right now?"

[00:20:12]It's usually a man, the worst version of yourself. You will become the worst version of yourself when you're attached to a man who sucks. And then you will start taking that out on anyone else.

[00:20:22]And you won't even know it. Even if you don't take it out like passive aggressively or violently, you will just not be able to show up for other people.

[00:20:30]You know, you won't be a good friend.

[00:20:31]You won't be a good member of the community. You won't be a good co-orker.

[00:20:35]You maybe have a short temper. How many times you go to work and you and everyone at work pays for the bad mood that you're in but was a result of some that he did earlier. Right. So the worst the worst version of Melanie that I have ever seen in my life was when I was with that that that hobosexual who abuser. I didn't know I could be that selfish and self-involved and self-destructive and just destructive to my community um as a result of being so consumed with and and and like so isolated and so everything like I everything that I loved about myself I lost little by little but pretty quickly in that relationship.

[00:21:23]But the way that the world, you know, the way they want you to blame the immigrants, they want you to be afraid of black men.

[00:21:33]Come on. Be way more afraid of those men that you're going on dates with or that man that's in the bed next to you or your son or your brother or your guy friendss that you're enabling or your guy roommates or your dad or your grandfather or your father-in-law or any of the men you're enabling. I promise you go. Those are the men that you should be mad at. Go to the root. Go to the root cause. Because until until we white women do that, really truly do that, we will never get out of this hell hole. And the fascists will continue to take over and they will use us to do it.

[00:22:10]Anyway, let me know what y'all think.

[00:22:11]Please uh comment on this video if you like it, seven words or more. Share, uh like it, engage. Please follow my Patreon if you like my work. That is really how the only way I can pay my bills these days. um because algorithms don't really anymore. Um thank you so much Patreon people. Um over there I talk about my personal life. I talk about uh I I interview people. I do watch parties. I do hangouts. I talk about France and traveling and fun stuff and community building and friend making. Like that's kind of where I do all my um more personal stuff. So thank you so much Patreon people. Thank y'all.

[00:22:43]Let me know what you think in the comments. And uh and voila. Hat parade comment song. I went to a hat parade on Sunday with my friend. This was in my old neighborhood where a bunch of people put on their cute and silly hats and walked around and played music had parade in my old neighborhood. Oh, these were my favorite hats. Look at these.

[00:23:10]And of course, it's mostly older women who don't give a flying. what anyone thinks because it's a hat parade.

[00:23:18]And this lady was going around drawing people like literally painting while wearing a hat of the hat parade. Anyway, now here's a video.

[00:23:43]If you like this kind of stuff, follow my Patreon. I do all this stuff over there. Thanks for watching.