first video!! intro + talking about perception, gender, and the body! queer + fat studies

Ajouté : 2026-05-09

[00:00:03]Hello, my name is Mateo. Um, I'm 21 years old and my pronouns are he, him, and this might be my first official YouTube video ever.

[00:00:15]Yay. Um, I have been plotting on making content for the longest time. I grew up being annoying. And by annoying I mean was uh was that like um I grew up making like fake ASMR YouTube videos. I uploaded them and then like at some point deleted all of them cuz like I was a child with like unrestricted internet access. So you can imagine how that went. Um but yes, my name is Mateo. I'm 21 years old. Pronounced he him. I am Latina. I'm an artist, a writer. I'm also or a student um in college, university. Um as you can see, this is my room.

[00:01:04]Welcome. Um and yes, as you can see, I also have my microphone right here because like when I put it down here, like it's like too too much of a distance. It sounds really bad. So, I'm hoping that this sounds better. Uh, I guess this will just serve as like an official introduction to my YouTube account. I really don't know what direction I'm fully going to take it in yet. I I do know I even considered like making ASMR videos, which sounds really funny, but like it's kind of fun to do. I feel like that's kind of fun. I mainly thought about it because I'm interested in making video essays or talking videos uh with just me rambling about what I am interested in, what I research and conversations I have with loved ones and friends and all those type of things. Um, and I feel like some of those uh videos can also uh go into like the ASMR realm. Like I don't know if you guys have ever watched like a video essay to go to sleep um and those type of things. But of course papa's kind of broke. I don't have equipment. Uh don't even have a phone stand. Like you guys are sitting like my phone is sitting on like a monster high like little doll vanity thing that came with one of my sets. Uh so yes, bear with. Um but I think that is all. I'm going to introduce myself with for now.

[00:02:33]I do have a bit of a talking point I wanted to provide with my intro video just to kind of give um a look into like how my brain works when it comes to these type of topics.

[00:02:48]So, I have my dear that was ugly. I have my dear little old iPad here with a PDF I made of a digitized uh journal entry I had in my journal. By the way, I journal a lot. I journal in different ways. I have a small journal for like on the go like ideas like while I'm on the metro. Um I have a journal just for journaling generally like don't go insane twin. And then I have like a scrapbook journal. Uh, and then I also do artistically. Oh, that goes into scrapbooking and like all the things. I doodle a lot too. I everything. Uh, cuz I said like I'm an artist. If I was to flip my camera, you guys could see like on my armor wall, but my room is ugly, so you're not going to see it. Um, but anyways, yes, journal entry.

[00:03:41]This is uh something I wrote down in my journal on March 25th, 2026. So two months ago, almost a month until a month and some change ago.

[00:03:54]So ruminating thoughts from a tail that this is really what I wrote. Um was that I wish to be seen as a river with rocky edges, one that reflects a red and pink sunset that bleeds through dense trees.

[00:04:10]You hear the busting of bugs and birds.

[00:04:12]There is a stingy warmth to you. Also, by the way, if you actually hear birds, I have pet birds. Um, they're my family's birds, but I stay in my room, so don't mind them for real. They're chill. Um, or if you hear hear my fan, it's a lot of noise, so I'm sorry.

[00:04:30]And then I have um think points on the body and then gender. Um, what I wrote on the body was based off a conversation I was having surrounding fat phobia and how I find it really interesting how people pivot compliment or their worth based on how people comment on their physicalities. So on the body I wrote, "You can call me handsome, but my appearance is ever changing slash inconsistent. My body is a shell that can only magnify who I am so much. I often don't talk about this but I can form the things so that people pretty clearly in my mind for example if I think of an apple I can see an apple I can picture them but I cannot picture a physical me I can at times form a blur image like I know what I look like I think but when I think of me I think of a dense tree a rainbow and my favorite flowers I think I am yellow or green I am embodiment I am the embodiment of love and its pain. I cannot imagine my flesh. It is always so much more fruitful to be complimented on who I am or my character as those are things I can clearly grab on to, feel, and see. And this conversation on the body actually ended up being deconstructed a bit more as I read a belly of the beast by Desan L.

[00:05:56]Harrison. Uh Desan L. Harrison is a non-binary um black author. um correction, their book um Bay the Beast uh tackles uh the politics of anti-fatness as anti-blackness. And in that book they talk about how important it is to not only recognize your body but to also envision your body not only in your brain but in your fantasies and the things that you enjoy and the media you consume and all these things. So that when I like was reading that and I was enjoying and I was breaking it down with my club at school and hearing um people's point of views, I realized how me not being able to imagine my body might go um beyond my neuro divergence, beyond my need to see myself as more and why is my body not considered that more?

[00:06:52]Um so you know paint in that we will circle back but for now that's all I have to say and then my thing point on gender from this journal entry says I was thinking about gender and how someone I know posed the question what is a woman and what is a man of course as I couldn't answer this at least when I say I couldn't answer this you cannot specifically answer what is a woman what is a man without going into a big weird territory. Um cuz a lot of people are like, well, a woman is like someone that has a uterus and gives birth. Not a woman have uteruses and not a woman give birth. A man is someone with a penis.

[00:07:34]Not you don't it like it keeps going you know whatever you want to say it but my beliefs personally.

[00:07:43]So of course as I couldn't answer this this moved me to ask myself what is transness?

[00:07:49]This stated answer, of course, is someone with a deep-seated sense of being a man, a woman, or another gender that differs from the sex they were assigned at birth. But that goes out the window when we cannot even answer what a woman or a man is, especially we fully reclaim our bodies/ body parts, right?

[00:08:07]Um, and when I asked that, I was looking into um, how people who are assigned humor at birth or women have been not only reclaiming their bodies but also renaming body parts because uh, it turns out that our organs and I say our organs because I'm a um, have been named after male practition male practitioners and male doctors and men who have named you know the organ. So if we're doing a full reclaiming and um fully breaking down the colonization of gender and all these things that means that the way we view transness also goes out the window cuz there is no binary to really follow as in like you are not outside of what you were assigned at birth cuz you wouldn't even have been assigned something at birth.

[00:09:04]Oops.

[00:09:05]Um, so what does it mean to be trans? As I've grown older and I see younger trans people as youth talk about what transess means to them, it is always a lot more different than how older trans folk perceive transness. And in general, of course, being trans means different things depending on who you talk to.

[00:09:24]This got me thinking about how full circle my own gender journey has been and how I have a huge memory gap in it due to going through psychosis, which made me think to myself how I probably owe myself the time to really think about my gender again and what it means to me. Especially because recently I've had this deep need to really dismantle a lot of what I was thinking when starting my medical transition as well as just beliefs I had when coming into my transness. I also say full circle because I really did try out a lot of labels including agender, gender fluid, non-binary, etc. So now I'm more so curious what gender means to me if I throw away all those things like a full deconstruction of even trying to box in my identity. Um, and the act of fully deconstructing one's identity is really interesting, especially when living in such a patriarchal society. one uh a society that like no matter where you go, things are divided, things are labeled. Um it honestly has felt really um dreadful to try to explain my identity, one that feels so complex and so diverse and so ever changing and try to put it in a box. um and at times only doing so so that the masses can consume me and adhere to who I am most appropriately. Um but yes, this is where I will leave off for now because we're hitting 11 minutes and like I said, this is my first video.

[00:10:59]Um I hope you guys enjoyed my rambling.

[00:11:02]Uh sorry if that sounds crazy. I promise I will eventually break it down even more and add more context, add sources, site stuff. Uh cuz I do read a lot. Um and yes, uh this is Matteo. Um thank you. Uh hit that subscribe button. Um hit that like button. I don't know how it works to be honest. Um but yes, thank you. Uh and yes. Um yes. Bye.