The Bonfire - May 19, 2026

追加: 2026-05-26

[00:00:01]And now, the Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly.

[00:00:06]Uh Uh Um you just saw Jacob's face. No. Um I mean It'll do it. Uh It will do it. That's the face he's making is >> [snorts] >> uh Yeah, yeah. [clears throat] No, that's what I do. I speak for Jacob's face.

[00:00:18]>> [laughter] >> Jacob, what's your face?

[00:00:20]Uh Uh And don't forget this.

[00:00:26]Pick up the funny boys.

[00:00:28]>> [laughter] >> You're losing Grandpa Jakey. You're watching another video. Uh >> [snorts] [groaning] >> Shia LaBeouf's old news. Uh Uh >> [snorts] >> I Um I hate uh armpit hair on women.

[00:00:44]Uh There'll be a naked girl in here later. That'll wake him up.

[00:00:46]>> That's going to wake him up.

[00:00:48]She's black, which he hates. Do you >> past it. That's not him. She's got the wrong guy. You got the wrong guy.

[00:00:56]>> [laughter] >> No, I love black women. I'm into black women again. Again? Yeah, I phase in and out.

[00:01:02]Well, you know, I I you got a type. It's not racist. It's just I like black chicks.

[00:01:06]>> Racist. Racist. I got nervous when I said it.

[00:01:10]It's not >> Not a racist. [laughter] It's I like blondes. I usually like brunettes, but sometimes I get into a little blonde action. Sometimes I'm into Trinidadian. Spanish. Kind of always into Spanish.

[00:01:21]>> Yeah. Well, they liked you cuz they thought you were Spanish.

[00:01:23]>> Puerto Rican. Yeah.

[00:01:25]>> I like the Puerto Rican.

[00:01:26]>> It wasn't you didn't lean into it and shave your mustache right above your lip, though. Ooh. You leaned right into it, dude.

[00:01:31]>> Yeah, I did.

[00:01:33]You got yourself a Don Flamenco.

[00:01:34]>> [laughter] >> I should have got a sword.

[00:01:38]The ones uh the actress who's coming in, is that with a penis? Does she have a penis or no vagina? Unfortunately, no.

[00:01:46]>> [laughter] >> Unfortunately, there's no fun surprise.

[00:01:50]>> way, Jacob's been begging for this to be a penis. We've covered this already, Jacob. I've been in his ear. No. I've been in his ear. don't We talked about this over and over again. Addis Fouche, who's coming in later, Great last name.

[00:02:01]was the uh she was the not trans >> You're right. who came in with the three trans gals to talk about the I guess trans town hall they were going to do. I don't remember what the what the event was, but >> a tra- very attractive.

[00:02:14]>> Yeah, she's what we call boo in the business.

[00:02:17]>> Oh, no. She's uh Addis is is gorgeous.

[00:02:19]>> I'm talking the trans business. I think her >> [laughter] >> I'm talking the the fun business. And I got to say also, I feel like uh pictures don't do her much justice, quite honestly. I mean, she's much prettier than Addis, but she's I mean, she looks great in pictures, I'm saying, but I think in person she's very, very like Oh, she was alluring. Yes.

[00:02:34]>> Well, we're going to do a great thing with her today, her and Ralph.

[00:02:37]>> Yeah, we have uh my old work wife, Ralph, is coming in to talk about a little event that him and Addis Fouche, amongst others, are doing this week, I believe tomorrow.

[00:02:46]Thursday. Thursday?

[00:02:48]Um so, if you guys are in town and want to check that out, it's going to be it's called How to Date a Porn Star.

[00:02:55]It's some live event they're doing at Stand Up New York. Stand Up New York.

[00:03:00]Where does that exist now? Um 552 West 38th. 552 West 38th. Where the [ __ ] is that?

[00:03:07]>> Wood Theater. Oh.

[00:03:10]Could you do that? Yeah, you could.

[00:03:12]>> Hypothetically, I'm saying date a porn star? Yeah, you know your girlfriend is How about being by a giant horse? These are the questions when they get in here.

[00:03:18]Yeah.

[00:03:19]Well, I want to pick your brain.

[00:03:21]Well, we're going to go through it there. I'm going to We're going to talk about the things all about that stuff.

[00:03:25]Yeah, I want to pick the brain when they're in here. Yeah.

[00:03:28]Um Well, we don't know. We didn't take the class.

[00:03:31]Um I could If you're asking if I could I could Before you take the class.

[00:03:37]I could date a porn star. Done. with porn. Is it how to date a porn star or could you date a porn star? It's how to.

[00:03:44]It's going to be Ralph giving you advice on I guess [ __ ] it. First of all, money.

[00:03:48]Yeah, bury your emotions away.

[00:03:50]Money, don't believe in God.

[00:03:53]>> [laughter] >> I have no belief in God.

[00:03:54]>> No religion whatsoever. No. And uh, you know, be into watching her [ __ ] other dudes.

[00:04:03]Basically follow the path of Satan.

[00:04:05]Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, no. Corinne Fisher's on the show also. Dante Nero knows how to treat a [ __ ] Natalia Star, my old pal.

[00:04:12]Um, [snorts] I know, what does it say now? Robin Shumberg. Did you make that up or was that written? Knows how to treat a [ __ ] Uh, who Dante? Yeah.

[00:04:20]>> Oh, no, I just said that.

[00:04:21]>> Oh, I thought that was written. That would be great if it was written.

[00:04:23]>> No, Dante knows how to straight a [ __ ] out.

[00:04:24]>> Dante Nero, know how to straight a [ __ ] out.

[00:04:26]>> Yeah, how to [ __ ] date a porn star.

[00:04:28]You tell her what's what. I prefer Slap a [ __ ] mouth.

[00:04:32]I prefer email that Lenny sent me to give us some insight and this is the list of Ralph's porn star.

[00:04:41]That he took that with? Yeah. Oh, no, no, no.

[00:04:44]>> Some say date and some say sex, so I assume date just means dinner. Courtney Taylor, no idea.

[00:04:51]>> [clears throat] >> Um, is this all of it? Let me go up here.

[00:04:54]>> to go to top.

[00:04:56]Courtney. Just real quick before you get into his resume, does he only date porn stars?

[00:05:02]Well, he's an idiot.

[00:05:03]>> No.

[00:05:03]>> [laughter] >> He dates uh, well, yeah, he likes to He takes He swings for uh, the fences of uh, porn stars uh, and stuff like that, you know, like young, dumb, like internet chicks.

[00:05:18]He's not into like uh, like human beings who live in a neighborhood. He's not into >> [laughter] >> He's not into a girl with her own brain.

[00:05:26]No, no, no, no.

[00:05:26]>> No, no, no, no, no. He likes a girl who's somewhere answering to an ethnic fellow who's willing to cut her if she's late.

[00:05:32]>> Right, [laughter] got it, got it. Um, and then but I I don't know if he can't get hard if it's not that situation or or she has to be able to not speak English very well. If he she has a college education. Disgusting.

[00:05:42]Disgusting.

[00:05:42]>> Disgusting.

[00:05:43]>> Both of high school educated.

[00:05:44]>> "Hi, my name's doctor." He runs the other way.

[00:05:46]>> Right, okay. He's like, you're not going to [ __ ] uh eat a girl's [ __ ] while I fall asleep at 9:00 p.m.

[00:05:53]uh in [ __ ] Caribbean.

[00:05:55]Um You have self-respect.

[00:05:58]Courtney Taylor, Penthouse Pet of the Year 2004. That's pretty funny.

[00:06:02]Long-distance dating plus sex when she was in town. Victoria's Drach, who was uh one of my least favorite [ __ ] SDR shows ever.

[00:06:11]Why is that? Because her and her daughter came in and her daughter was an influencer already.

[00:06:18]She was cute, dippy as [ __ ] [ __ ] >> That's the uh kind of precursor to porn star influencer, right? Well, her mother brought her on the show cuz she's trying to convince her that she should be doing pornography.

[00:06:29]>> That's disgusting. And then they were the two dumbest people in the world that we played a game against them, like, do a daughter mother know each other better than me and Ralph?

[00:06:38]And then me and Ralph they're so stupid and just staring blankly that me and Ralph just gave each other the answers out loud. And then the other person would go, So, I'm going to say the answer. I'd go, Ralph, it's D.

[00:06:49]And Ralph goes, I'm going to say D. And then you're like, that's correct. And the girls be like, you guys know each other really good.

[00:06:55]Like, they were It was a mother and daughter. Two generation of [ __ ] >> [laughter] >> I was at What's the guy that used to be here? He worked with Stern, too. Uh Tim Meadows? No, the one that [ __ ] on the on the wall.

[00:07:08]Sabian. Tim Sabian. He called me a long time ago before I did this show to ask me about doing a possible like pilot or something with her.

[00:07:17]Uh that's not her daughter, I don't think. No, this does not look like >> time she was there. No, that's another time she was there. She came back? Yeah, go back to Ralph's list, please. So, anyway, along with this is Victoria's Drach, who calls herself a doctor, by the way, which is pretty funny.

[00:07:30]Um the sister of the second owner of Penthouse magazine. When I say that, it doesn't mean anything. It means nothing to us.

[00:07:36]London Keys, no idea. Porn star sex, dated sex.

[00:07:41]Jade Lee, sex and dated steadily for 6 months, took her to his wedding. Ooh.

[00:07:47]Jayden Cole, one night one stand sex.

[00:07:50]Bella Knox, come on Ralph.

[00:07:52]>> [sighs] >> Uh one date and Ralph turned her down when she asked for sex. Okay, good.

[00:07:55]That's the girl that cuts herself. Do you remember Bella Knox? She was the one that like the Duke University student that was big news cuz she made porn and was like, "So what? Like what? A girl can't You know, I'm going to go I'm going to become a whatever doctor and some [ __ ] but right now I'm putting myself through school by doing this. And then and then all these girls came out to her thing like, "Yeah, stop [ __ ] shaming." If I mean Corinne Fisher and Kristina Hutchinson started a whole podcast based off of it. And then we zoomed in real tight so you could see all over her legs the self-cut harm marks. She does it to herself. Like, "Yeah, no, she's fine. No, you guys are right. She's doing the right thing."

[00:08:27]>> [laughter] >> Uh Bella Knox.

[00:08:32]Is that her? Yeah, yeah, probably, yeah.

[00:08:34]That's her. I forget what she looks like. I mean, she was a tiny little thing, yeah.

[00:08:36]>> Yeah. Kind of nice pus. Um wrapped around that big fat dorkus. You know, maybe I was looking at that. Probably.

[00:08:43]Uh Laura Desiree is the one Josh would hook up with.

[00:08:47]>> [snorts] >> She's really pretty.

[00:08:48]Uh Dorenzia, no idea. They dated.

[00:08:52]Shyann Silver Penthouse Pet dated. Oh, she was a porn star back in the day.

[00:08:58]Tanya Parker, Kendra Sutherland Penthouse Pet and porn star, they dated.

[00:09:02]That's not true. Well, I think dated means that he took them out and they didn't sleep with him.

[00:09:08]Well, that's not really That's not really a list of anything. She took a free dinner?

[00:09:12]Alana Love, dated and sex. Oh, Ralph.

[00:09:15]Why we That girl blew a guy in front of us on the show once. Why we having this piece of [ __ ] on the show? Ralph?

[00:09:21]>> No, I'm kidding. Um [laughter] but who we'll talk about us. I know, I'm really He's telling I've been listening to it going like, "Hey, good for Ralph."

[00:09:27]I'm like, "Yeah, all right, [ __ ] dummy."

[00:09:29]>> now he's he's steady with somebody, right?

[00:09:32]I don't think so.

[00:09:33]>> Exactly. That girl hasn't been born yet.

[00:09:35]>> [laughter] >> Oh, yeah. She just Ralph's wife hasn't been born yet. She just had the umbilical cord cut.

[00:09:40]>> [laughter] >> Don breaks out of her often. His dating habits always grossed me out.

[00:09:47]He knows that.

[00:09:47]>> Yeah.

[00:09:48]>> [snorts] >> Um Tanya Parker, the past 28 and Rock of Love bus winner. Oh, Eskimo Bros with [ __ ] Bret Michaels.

[00:09:58]Tanya Parker Parker looks like I'm trying to remember.

[00:10:02]It's a list.

[00:10:03]>> to watch that show.

[00:10:04]Yeah, but it is a very like you're it's dated.

[00:10:07]Uh doesn't mean that means they went to dinner. She's right. That's nice.

[00:10:13]She's got a nice one. The problem with Penthouse though, man, is they talk about editing, man. They were like the airbrush, darken your skin, pink up your [ __ ] Yeah. Do you remember they started getting in the piss and the piss would be like golden yellow?

[00:10:25]>> [laughter] >> It was like an unnatural color of piss coming out of his zone. I'm like, "Oh my god, what did you just have [ __ ] electrolytes?"

[00:10:30]>> [laughter] >> They make the vagina look like where Skittles are made.

[00:10:34]It's like two nothing on it. You know what I mean? It looks like it looks like a like a scalpel incision.

[00:10:41]>> [laughter] >> Yeah, it's too perfect.

[00:10:43]>> [snorts] >> But uh dated and sex like she's a >> Uh and then went on a date But again, Christine's right. This is a dumb list to send because he's like, "Oh, he went to dinner with them." Like these girls will say yes to whatever. They don't give a [ __ ] Yeah, so he he sent this?

[00:10:59]No, Lonnie too.

[00:11:00]>> Oh. I hope he knows.

[00:11:02]>> [laughter] >> I mean he would talk about all of it too, but Lonnie Love he [ __ ] her? God, Ralph. I tried Lonnie Love.

[00:11:09]I'd rather [ __ ] Lonnie Love.

[00:11:11]No, Lonnie Love's cute, but it's she's also like I don't know. We just like watched her like public [ __ ] before.

[00:11:17]>> [laughter] >> Oh, no. There she is.

[00:11:25]>> [laughter] >> Oh my god.

[00:11:28]So Ralph's coming in to give advice on how to date porn stars. [laughter] If you want to [ __ ] if you want to [ __ ] this chick Ralph's going to tell you how at Stand Up New York. Cold [laughter] hard cash.

[00:11:40]Yes. You know, we can make fun of this cuz it sells itself, dude. If you're out there and you want to learn how to date a porn star, you'll go to this [ __ ] thing. And by the way, Ralph will tell you. You need two guys to do a successful podcast and then start a network and then you two can get the money to [ __ ] a porn star. Oh, god.

[00:11:56]>> Good paying for all this.

[00:11:58]Probably. This whole [ __ ] thing is probably funded by my [ __ ] skanks dollars. [laughter] Yeah, this is all coming out of skanks.

[00:12:04]>> Son of a [ __ ] God bless him. Alana love XXX No Peyton though, so that's good.

[00:12:10]>> What?

[00:12:10]>> No Peyton Sinclair, so that's good. Good job.

[00:12:12]>> How old is uh Ralph? He's got to be like 50?

[00:12:15]>> 67 years old? Get the [ __ ] front door. He's either born in '69 or '70. He died uh years ago and then they put a new brain and they waited for the great storm.

[00:12:25]>> Did they take old porn star guys' >> [laughter] >> body parts to make him? Is that why he can only date these people?

[00:12:31]>> [laughter] >> He's the Yeah, he goes, "Coos."

[00:12:35][groaning] >> [laughter] >> No, it's brains. "Coos." [screaming] >> [laughter] >> "I want coos." "Coos."

[00:12:49]"ME." "RALPH LOVE COOS."

[00:12:53]>> "RALPH NO MONSTER."

[00:12:56]>> [laughter] >> "RALPH HURT PORN STAR."

[00:13:02]HE KILLED ALL THESE GIRLS that dead.

[00:13:04]>> "Ralph."

[00:13:04]>> [laughter] [gasps] >> Dated defeated by fire.

[00:13:10]Uh Alana love sex escaped with her life barely.

[00:13:15]>> [laughter] [clears throat] >> Oh, [ __ ] Electricity storm saved her [laughter] life.

[00:13:20]Shut him down for a couple hours.

[00:13:24]Oh, [ __ ] >> way you can beat Ralph is with Dracula.

[00:13:27]>> [laughter] >> Oh, he sucks.

[00:13:30]Good old Ralphy boy. Get in here, Ralphy boy. He's going to be here with Ari Shaffir for the second hour of the show.

[00:13:36]>> Buddy, today You did a thing.

[00:13:40]I sent you a video of uh of a handicapped girl singing while her parents were exploiting her and you said I sent you on the train before you realized that was hilariously funny and then also again extremely tragic as you will find out on Thursday's show.

[00:13:53]Very tragic, but funny. Very funny until it's very tragic.

[00:13:57]>> And then it gets funny again.

[00:13:58]>> we'll bring back the funny towards the end of it.

[00:13:59]>> All you have to do is play that one video. It's fine. It's a snaps you right back. But uh you were saying it but you saw it at first and just didn't drink it in as funny. Yeah. And you were coming off of a rough thing. You were in therapy today, right? Which >> in between therapy when I got off the train of therapy.

[00:14:15]>> And you'd finally told him what you'd done. It's hard for me to say because I want to be humble.

[00:14:21]Oh, [ __ ] What?

[00:14:25]What? Nothing.

[00:14:28]I want to be I I want to be humble. And let me I want to look at everybody in here because you know me and I I know you guys. And this is what we do. We have fun.

[00:14:38]>> Is that why you're going to be why you're so exhausted right now?

[00:14:41]Are you emotionally drained from something?

[00:14:42]>> I think I'm emotionally drained.

[00:14:44]>> Cuz outside you were goneski. Well, cuz I ate too much at the buffet. I can't do good at a buffet and I ate all that sweet chicken and pork and it was too much and then I had noodles and my blood sugar was low.

[00:14:54]>> do what I do, dude. You got to grab the little container.

[00:14:56]>> I know. You always grab the big container and then you feel like you got to fill up every part of it.

[00:15:00]>> I know and I can't even eat a lot of it, but I ate all the shitty food and then it [ __ ] [clears throat] me up.

[00:15:03]>> do what Christine did. Get a little container and heavily load it up until it falls on the floor some of it and then Asian [laughter] people roll their eyes at her and me. Ridiculous.

[00:15:13]She literally I was like, she's her own person. I don't know. She ain't representing me.

[00:15:17]She stuffed all like seven different foods together and made one dish. It was crazy. It was mushed up.

[00:15:22]>> like one of those milkshakes and but instead it was like avocado, a piece of sushi, grilled veggies, mashed potatoes, and salmon. Half avocado, mashed potatoes, and she got >> [laughter] >> You got macaroni macaroni salad and you mush it against potatoes.

[00:15:38]Yeah, I separated it immediately. It was not good. Because you mushed it into a small container >> small container and it made it into a whole thing.

[00:15:46]>> have got a big container like Bobby.

[00:15:47]>> good. It would have been good separated.

[00:15:50]You had a five-course, one-course meal.

[00:15:51]Yeah, it was Yeah, it was pretty It was like [ __ ] astronaut food. The portions didn't fit in the >> food. Get it all in.

[00:15:57]Didn't fit in the box. Absolutely did not fit in the >> like that goes into a weird blender that comes out in a pill.

[00:16:01]And he goes that he goes, "I've now gotten all the nutrients of that of that [laughter] dish."

[00:16:06]It fell because I closed the thing, not because it was piling out of the [ __ ] box.

[00:16:10]>> It fell onto the floor.

[00:16:13]So, what happened, Bobby? I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[00:16:15]>> [sighs] >> Always a day of takes with you.

[00:16:17]>> This was terrible. I thought you were saying something embarrassing and you were getting up and humiliating. And instead you were saying, "I'm trying to be humble." Which means I didn't realize you were coming in to tell us another story of heroics.

[00:16:29]I didn't know this, Jay.

[00:16:30]I I didn't know this, either. That once you are a hero, I guess something emulates off of you off of my face maybe to where when some somebody needs somebody to save somebody, they come to you.

[00:16:51]Is emulate the right thing there?

[00:16:55]It emulates off of you?

[00:16:57]I don't believe so. I think he means emanates. Emanates. Emanates.

[00:17:02]No, I mean emulate. I don't think so.

[00:17:05]>> [laughter] >> So, you're saying it was something that's behaving like you is coming off of you?

[00:17:12]In a roundabout way.

[00:17:14]But then it glows, too.

[00:17:17]Well, I'm lost in this puzzle, anyway. To emulate emulate.

[00:17:23]Read it, Christine. Don't just look at it.

[00:17:25]>> To emulate awesome one means to admire, imitate, and strive to equal or surpass their achievements, skills, or qualities.

[00:17:32]>> I'm a Are you saying this I'm asking you a question. Are you saying this to prove Bobby right, to let him know that he's right?

[00:17:38]No, I'm just saying what it is.

[00:17:39]>> No, well, she's not that dumb quick.

[00:17:41]She's [laughter] not that quick.

[00:17:43]She goes, "No, no, no, listen, Bobby.

[00:17:45]It's the It's exactly the opposite of what you said, what [laughter] you meant." It's the wrong word, in fact. I was so happy that she was jumping in the dumb bucket with me.

[00:17:53]>> [laughter] >> Head first. I was just told to read. And What is it again?

[00:18:00]Lou? Emanate.

[00:18:01]>> Emanate.

[00:18:02]>> Emanate. I was I guess it emanates off of me.

[00:18:05]Comes off of me.

[00:18:06]I was walking to therapy today on 14th Street in the rain.

[00:18:10]And all of a sudden, this Spanish woman, now they're doing work on the street, so they have like a little barrier, so the sidewalk is very close together to the buildings on the left side of 14th Street between 6th and 5th, closer to 5th.

[00:18:24]And a woman runs up to my face.

[00:18:28]"Help me. Help me. I need help.

[00:18:32]Help me." Can you please emulate a hero?

[00:18:36]>> [laughter] >> And of course, because of who I am and what I've been through, I ran with her. And you're wearing a shirt that says, "Ask me for help."

[00:18:47]>> [laughter] >> I am not.

[00:18:50]Uh I ran over, and there was a man on the ground who was I don't know what was happening.

[00:18:55]Something was bad. His eyes were rolling back in his head, and there was I think her daughter or somebody was holding him, and she was like, "Please help." Did she say you only help black people? No, that's not true. I help >> Oh, all minorities. All minorities.

[00:19:09]>> No whites. I do help whites.

[00:19:11]>> Not your problem when it's whites, though. It's not my problem.

[00:19:13]>> You self-hating [ __ ] >> Well, you know what? Help yourself. You have enough.

[00:19:18]>> [laughter] >> You have health care. You have all that privilege. Help yourself if you're having a street heart attack.

[00:19:24]So, I ran over, of course, and I immediately called 911. Nice. 911, I got on the phone. I said, "There's a man right now >> New Wave Uno Uno.

[00:19:35]>> [laughter] >> Is that what you had to tell her?

[00:19:40]>> [laughter] >> She goes, "Okay. Okay."

[00:19:43]New Wave Uno Uno.

[00:19:44]>> Uh, dude. Dude.

[00:19:46]>> [laughter] >> Where's the dude button? I immediately hit 911. Now, there's people walking by.

[00:19:51]There's people Nobody's calling 911.

[00:19:54]Nobody's I called 911 immediately. And I'm on the phone like, >> You don't even speed dial like a lady.

[00:20:00]Yes, Bob. You called the Bob phone?

[00:20:03]And she said, "Yes, 911, may I help you?" I go, "There's an emergency. I need an ambulance between 5th and 6th."

[00:20:10]And I ran and got the number of the closest building. Say less. And >> [laughter] [gasps] >> I got the number [clears throat] >> Party in the rude. I said I said I >> [laughter] >> I said So, I said I said the number to I and I said, "The man's on the ground. He needs help. I believe he might be having a seizure or a heart attack. He's still awake. He's still coherent. He's still alive, but I don't know how for long how long much longer he's going to be. I don't know what's happening with him."

[00:20:44]They said, "Sir, I'm going to start compressions.

[00:20:47]They said, "Sir, uh you need to give me the address again." I gave it again.

[00:20:52]And then I said, "You need to send somebody immediately."

[00:20:55]>> Listen to me. Time is of the essence.

[00:21:00]>> [laughter and gasps] >> So, then she said, "I need you to stay on the phone with me." So, I'm on the phone next to the guy. The girl is holding him up and she's like you know uh I need you to stay on the phone but I absolutely. So police are on their way.

[00:21:15]So I'm like great.

[00:21:16]>> What police here and route?

[00:21:19]>> [laughter] >> So I say I I'm relaying this to her.

[00:21:24]She's panicking. She's like please please. And I'm like the police are on the way the ambulance on the way it's coming now.

[00:21:30]>> Por favor you mean? Por favor.

[00:21:32]>> [laughter] >> So.

[00:21:38]So.

[00:21:39]>> [laughter] >> Gracias.

[00:21:45]Get these chickens off my suit.

[00:21:47]>> [laughter] >> God damn [ __ ] fight.

[00:21:57]God man is it hard to be a hero?

[00:21:59]So >> [laughter] >> so I I'm I'm calming her down I'm like you got to calm down they're on the way everything's going to be all right. I need you to hold his head up. Hold his head up keep his head off the ground make sure his legs are knees are up keep his knees up like you know off the ground and I just make sure he doesn't you know if he starts to move try to hold him back hold his arms back and and hold his head to the side.

[00:22:22]Now immediately cop shows up.

[00:22:26]When the cop shows up I >> over him like Allen Iverson dude. That'd have been awesome and you're like my work's done here.

[00:22:31]>> [laughter] >> A hero's job is never done. I'm not the hero you need I'm not the hero you want I'm the hero you deserve.

[00:22:37]>> [laughter] >> So I I fill the police officer in with all the information he needs what's happening. And he's like all right thank you sir. Now I stood there and I waited for the ambulance to come. I was like the ambulance is on its way. He's like great. So then I'm on the phone with the 911 waiting for and I'm keep the lady saying are they coming are they coming and I'm like they're on their way you'll hear the sirens when they come. So I waited waited and waited and then when the I heard the sirens coming, I go, "They're here." And I just faded into the darkness.

[00:23:09]They go, "Mister, how will we ever find you if we need you again?"

[00:23:13]You go, "Wherever there's injustice >> [laughter] >> or a seizing Mexican, you will find >> [laughter] >> Bat Man."

[00:23:22]So now I'm standing I'm standing over the man.

[00:23:25]>> Please, are there any spiders there?

[00:23:28]>> [laughter] >> I have to know. There's no spiders there.

[00:23:35]Don't [ __ ] with me.

[00:23:40]>> [laughter] >> Batman out. Bat Man.

[00:23:44]How long between What What seems to be the problem?

[00:23:48]>> [laughter] >> A spider?

[00:23:51]Whoa.

[00:23:54]A Joker or a Riddler, perhaps, but uh oh.

[00:23:57]Oh, how big is the Oh, there it is. I SEE IT. I SEE IT.

[00:24:01]I CAN SEE IT.

[00:24:03]>> [laughter] >> MY Batman is dangerously loose. So now I'm standing >> till the ambulance came? It was a little bit. It was a little bit. It was a little bit day.

[00:24:14]And uh it was not muy poquito. It was a little bit, so I had to you know, I had to be there for a minute, but then >> You vanished in the darkness.

[00:24:22]>> I I vanished and then >> Did you then re-emerge in a full costume?

[00:24:25]>> [laughter] >> When I was standing across I standing across the street now and this young Asian woman came over to me. She goes, "I want to thank you." "Mister, you hero."

[00:24:35]>> [laughter] >> "You're hero.

[00:24:38]You know you're hero?" She >> "You try to be humbra, but you're you can be hero." [laughter] She She >> Because the L is before the E >> [laughter] >> in humble. So I'm with humbra.

[00:24:51]"Oh, you try to be humbra, but it's I think you're hero."

[00:24:55]So I Started ta-da, ta-da.

[00:25:19]Thank you. So, I she said to me >> [snorts] >> you what you did was amazing. You you called them so fast and you were there and you were >> In Chinese?

[00:25:29]No, she was not. She was Chinese, but she was not speaking in a Chinese accent. She was a young girl, probably a student. And then I was like, all right, great. I'm glad he's okay. And then I I walked a little further around the corner and another woman came up to me.

[00:25:41]She was like, that was thank you for doing that.

[00:25:44]And I was like, it's what I do.

[00:25:46]>> [laughter] >> And I stuck my hand up in the air. Bob man out. I stuck my hand up in the air.

[00:25:55]I did one finger in the air and I went, it's what I do.

[00:25:58]And did one of those women slide down your body until she was laying and hugging your leg?

[00:26:02]>> [laughter] >> Yeah. While you pointed up? And I just stood there and then all of a sudden the ambulance came up and you could hear the the sirens. And when they came up, she looked over that way and I was gone again. Oh my god, dude. Twice vanished into the darkness. I have Now I've saved two lives.

[00:26:18]>> What?

[00:26:20]This was a full life save?

[00:26:22]Well, you don't know if he made it. Why?

[00:26:24]Oh, yeah, that's true. You don't know if he made it. And those little China ladies could have just been saying wacky. She had no idea what they were saying.

[00:26:30]Well, you know, I didn't stay until he >> They were like, "Be my be my be my Godzilla." I didn't stay until he >> which is weird cuz it's Japanese.

[00:26:36]>> [laughter] >> It wasn't he. They kept saying Godzilla and Mothra, but those are Japanese names. Jacob, as a hero, you can't you can't save everyone. Yeah. Are you sure she was Chinese and not Japanese?

[00:26:47]Did you ask her?

[00:26:49]I I Asian.

[00:26:51]Right, but I No, but I said Chinese and you said yes, she was Chinese. But you know she was Chinese? I don't know the difference.

[00:26:56]>> have been Japanese.

[00:26:57]>> She could have been She could have been >> Did she have the fear of Godzilla in her heart? I don't know. I didn't go Yo.

[00:27:06]Yo, no. All practical effects? Yeah.

[00:27:09]Come on.

[00:27:11]That was I've heard worse Godzillas.

[00:27:14]That's the sound.

[00:27:20]Damn, Bobby.

[00:27:26]When you impress me, you impress the [ __ ] [ __ ] out of me.

[00:27:29]So, I mean You never cease to amaze me.

[00:27:31]>> Why out of all the people on the street, why out of all the people walking by, one of the busiest intersections in Manhattan, 14th and 5th Yeah.

[00:27:42]do they does a woman come up to me in my face You must have helped me. You must have helped. and ran to me ran to me. It emanates off of you.

[00:27:54]>> It emanates.

[00:27:55]It emanates and and it also was the other one, Lou? Emanate. Emanates.

[00:28:00]>> It emanates.

[00:28:01]>> that I guess. I guess that one.

[00:28:04]>> [laughter] >> They're close.

[00:28:06]They're very close. They are.

[00:28:08]So, [laughter] I I was debating now because of I guess this is what I do. This is who God or the universe has chosen me to be what um a he a hero? A a a saver of people or being there for people when they need somebody?

[00:28:26]And this is what I do. Now, do I just quietly do it and just maybe next time I will. Maybe next time I won't tell you guys.

[00:28:34]But I wanted to tell you guys and the people listening to the Bonfire because I want to let them know that you could be a hero, too. You Jay, you Lou, you No, I would have walked >> Lou, I didn't even look at you. I I thought about it before I said it.

[00:28:52]You could You could You could be a hero.

[00:28:54]If I can be a hero, you can be a hero, Jay.

[00:28:59]Me? Yeah.

[00:29:01]No.

[00:29:02]>> [laughter] >> No, she came over barking that Chinese [ __ ] at me. I'm like, I don't know you.

[00:29:07]She was No, she was No, she was scamming.

[00:29:08]>> She was speaking So, even weirder, she Spanish speaking yelling Chinese at me.

[00:29:13]I don't trust that. Those are gypsies.

[00:29:15]Immediately I would have thought it was a hustle and left. Yeah, without a doubt. I would have ring [ __ ] I would have pulled that guy's wallet out, took the cash and put it in his mouth so he didn't swallow his tongue.

[00:29:23]>> [laughter] >> I go, "Hey, here's my doctor's fee." And then shove his [ __ ] wallet in his mouth and move on and give him a kick in the gut for good measure at the end.

[00:29:31]>> [laughter] >> I go, "Oh, hey, what's up? My dad was in 'Nam."

[00:29:35]>> [laughter] [gasps] >> I go, "Okay, I think he's going to be fine. Just keep him on his side. Oh, wait. Before we I do something real quick. Put this cigarette IN HIS MOUTH."

[00:29:45]HE MISSED.

[00:29:46][ __ ] DUDE. He can have the cigarette.

[00:29:48]Tell him he can keep the cigarette when he wakes up. Yeah, out of all the people around, they just, you know, they saw it. Could have gotten some neuro [ __ ] I Thank you, guys. Thank you.

[00:29:59]Well, for What was that?

[00:30:01]>> [laughter] >> That was a special needs kid. Oh, thank you.

[00:30:04]Thank you.

[00:30:05]>> lady singing your praises.

[00:30:07]Gotham City's open to everyone.

[00:30:10]It's not just for the abled.

[00:30:12]>> [laughter] >> It's not just for the able-bodied anymore. I Yeah, so there you go. I mean, number two.

[00:30:19]Number two.

[00:30:21]Why were you down about that you felt? I wasn't down about it. I was humbled, which is can't seem down. You're not humbled.

[00:30:27]>> Humbled. Bobby? Humbled is quiet.

[00:30:29]>> I've never seen you sit back, chest out more telling a story than you did that story right there. Yeah. Even when you say those black people, because you're worried that story's going to fall apart when word gets back from Costa Rica.

[00:30:40]Because you know we have no international connection to find out the validity of that story. That story is 100% true.

[00:30:46]>> Well, you put some good facts in it to make it sound true. You could swim better than an entire black family of athletes, sure. Well, I mean that's not a big >> That's not a big stretch at all, of course not. No, they don't want to get their hair wet and they drown.

[00:30:56]>> Yeah, yeah. Or they get their hair wet and it it pulls them to the bottom.

[00:30:59]>> absolutely happens. The hair gets wet, it holds up so much water and then they [ __ ] go top heavy sinking right down to the ground.

[00:31:04]>> Yeah.

[00:31:05]Yeah. So Yes, Jacob, do you have any thoughts on the on my science there?

[00:31:09]No, I don't know one way or the other.

[00:31:11]Oh, you've never seen black people get wet. This kind of Okay. Well, sorry, Prince. We didn't all get to [ __ ] swim without black people. I've laughed >> [laughter] >> four or five times since it was released the Al Lewis video Mhm. while you were explaining to Ali uh how Bobby was a hero Mhm. and Bobby had humble arms. Yeah. Like this. He was very uncomfortable. Yeah. You're telling his hero story. [laughter] Oh, because he wanted to tell more He's had more in All right, Bobby was like You're leaving out You're like you're leaving out that unprovoked I [ __ ] dove headfirst into the water and then almost [clears throat] saved the father, too.

[00:31:49]>> No, it's more >> uncomfortable like I don't I don't need this recognition.

[00:31:53]>> Yeah, I don't >> It's not about the recognition.

[00:31:55]>> It's not about the recognition.

[00:31:55][laughter] No, it's not. I felt like you were uncomfortable because you know Ali was going to be impressed because he stopped hearing the story when he heard black people trying to swim. He was like, [laughter] "That's getting out your lane." And then you shouldn't have done that. Yeah, well, I mean You're not going to see black loose asses out there in the Costa Rican undercurrent. Because he's black and if his hair gets wet Did you not hear me before? It turns into like concrete on their heads.

[00:32:19]It turns into the stuff inside of pillows.

[00:32:21]>> [laughter] >> It's so dense.

[00:32:24]It's like [ __ ] Tastykake cake.

[00:32:27]Takes so much milk.

[00:32:28]>> [laughter] >> I just wanted to I just, you know, I I The next time it happens, which it probably will, I I won't tell. Oh, you >> heroics happen in threes. you should cuz you want to inspire. I want to inspire, but I feel like I've inspired, but I don't >> I feel like you poisoned an Hispanic guy this morning and then went and helped him. I think you're setting up situations for you to stop. Oh, you think it You think that's me doing it?

[00:32:51]>> I think you go, "Hey homeless guy, I'll give you $20 to rob this deli." And then you're going to [ __ ] shoot him in his face.

[00:32:57]And actually going to shoot him in his chest and he's going to go, "But you told And you got to shoot him again before he says that you told him to rob the place so you could be the hero. How am I the hero cuz he was robbing it? Yeah.

[00:33:07]>> Yeah. And you came in and shot him in the [ __ ] face and saved those people.

[00:33:10]Yeah, I didn't expect you to understand how heroism works. Damn right.

[00:33:15]Damn right I don't understand it. You I I and I understand that you don't understand it and it's okay. You are You are different than me for and Jay.

[00:33:25]Like I said, you I'm not Jay. I'm closer to him. I don't know if you heard Are you out of your mind, dude? I gave my leftover [ __ ] food to a [ __ ] kid in Raleigh, North Carolina. This guy doesn't listen to a story. Oh, thank you. This guy doesn't listen to a story I say. I don't know if you know this, but at first I was weird with the [ __ ] kid and then I realized he was [ __ ] and I made nice with him and then I paid for him, >> Yes. his [ __ ] friends, >> Yes. and the adults' food. Yeah, the non-retards.

[00:33:51]>> Heroes understand heroes. The non-retards got a little too.

[00:33:54]>> Yeah, he didn't have to do that. That's above and beyond hero. Bobby didn't humiliate his the hero of the uh victim.

[00:34:01]>> No, he poisoned the Chinese guy so he could save his life.

[00:34:03]>> Spanish, I think. Now, you can't tell.

[00:34:06]I'm just saying you did >> Someone having a seizure all looks Chinese. I spun into I do spun into action.

[00:34:11]>> And I would I would have walked away thinking this is a spin >> Spin into action. I actually spun. I twirled all the way over to the guy.

[00:34:18]That's what I was saying when you when you when you when you when you finish the turn you're in costume.

[00:34:22]>> [laughter] >> The my new code is part of it.

[00:34:24]>> You're like the little kid turning into Dee Snider in the Twisted Sister video.

[00:34:27]>> [laughter] >> Bobby just gets into the We're Not Gonna Take It.

[00:34:32]>> [laughter] >> I Wanna Rock, dude.

[00:34:37]Yeah, well, you know, it was a it was um I was just going to bury it, keep it in.

[00:34:42]I didn't even tell my therapist.

[00:34:44]You It was after therapy. It was before therapy. Now the whole thing's a lie.

[00:34:48]You said it was between. No, it you the when you sent me that thing was in between. The little clip of the this the the girl the >> laughing at the handicap girl.

[00:34:58]>> laugh at it yet. That's why I didn't look at it. I was between me saving a life >> and then I you had that thing and I didn't look and then I had to go to therapy. So I didn't really get a chance to look at it because of the weight of the situation that I was in. Why didn't you tell your therapist?

[00:35:13]Um again, he we had other things to deal with.

[00:35:17]>> wondering why you were looking out the window the entire time and saying very few words.

[00:35:21]I don't know, doc. I got a lot on my plate.

[00:35:23]>> [laughter] >> I did I did go You look out there You look out that city and all you see is a fun metropolis.

[00:35:31]I see problems need solving.

[00:35:32]>> [laughter] >> And people need saving. I see wrong need righting.

[00:35:37]>> [laughter] >> I did go in my therapist and look out the window and it was a straight shot to the two ambulances and the cop car >> [laughter] >> and I just shook my head up and down like it's going to be all right. I done good. Anyways Anyways, doc >> Then you repelled on the side of the building with your grappling hook.

[00:35:53]To the Bobcopter.

[00:35:56]So, there you go, buddy.

[00:35:58]There you go.

[00:35:59]>> I'm proud of you.

[00:36:00]Thank you. Thank you very much.

[00:36:02]>> of you. Thank you, Jacob. I'm always very proud of you.

[00:36:04]>> Christine?

[00:36:05]Very proud. Yeah? No, you can tell by her voice she wasn't very impressed.

[00:36:09]>> it was it was So, what the [ __ ] is that?

[00:36:11]>> Unimpressed.

[00:36:11]>> Why are women never impressed with us?

[00:36:13]Um Why? It might be the way you're ta- I don't think she's responding well to you being like, go on, pay me my respects. I did I I I absolutely There's no respect done. A hero doesn't get respected.

[00:36:24]>> Bobby, you've been sitting with your hands folded in front of you waiting for us to pay your respects to you since you started the story. You're sitting like a godfather right now. I I I don't agree with that.

[00:36:35]>> us to come pay tribute to you. I not tribute, but maybe That's your Ali Siddiq. Maybe come over. Hands right now. Oh, you have your Ali Siddiq hands now. Your folded arms.

[00:36:44]>> Oh, you got uncomfortable around a black person. These are my humble These are my humble arms.

[00:36:47]>> Those are your humble arms.

[00:36:48]>> These These are my humble arms.

[00:36:50]>> [laughter] >> Hey, he's mean, Bobby.

[00:36:54]You want me to save your Chinese friend over there? I'm just saying that Christine, you know, look, I believe you when you say it, Jay. I believe you, Jacob, when you say it. And Black Lou, I believe you, too. I think you're a great hero. Thank you, buddy. Appreciate that. That That's really >> You have to save a white person next, even if it's a girl. DJ Lou, I'm I'm searching for the right words to say. Come back to me. Okay, I will.

[00:37:16]That's an That's honest cuz you haven't found them yet. Christine, So, you think Jay's more sincere than me?

[00:37:24]>> [laughter] >> Yeah, I do.

[00:37:27]I do. You know why?

[00:37:29]>> [laughter] >> Because when I look in Jay's little eyes and his eyebrows go up and his little cute eyes are looking at me. Look at that. Look at that.

[00:37:36]>> Yeah, he's good. He's got a little What?

[00:37:38]>> [laughter] >> That's just No, I believe Jay.

[00:37:42]You You You You believe in me? I do believe in you. Yeah, I believe him.

[00:37:47]>> You've had two heroics now. Two heroics.

[00:37:49]Him, one.

[00:37:50]And I have a heroic under my belt.

[00:37:52]That's the she's doesn't have a thing.

[00:37:54]Christine isn't strong in action. Yeah.

[00:37:56]She sees a hungry [ __ ] she just lets him starve. That's crazy.

[00:38:01]Jay does not need sunglasses when he plays poker. No.

[00:38:05]What? What? What's that supposed to mean? What does that mean? [laughter] I don't even know how to play poker.

[00:38:10]Well, even if he is faking it, even if he's doing it enough to where I believe him. What am I faking? That I'm proud of you and your heroics, your two heroics?

[00:38:18]You're not. I'm saying that for her cause. I'm saying that I'm asking you Don't let her stir [ __ ] up as well.

[00:38:23]>> if you're proud of me and you and your your tone is just ridiculously off. No, I am proud of you. I think it's very nice you would stop and help a stranger.

[00:38:32]Her tone sucks.

[00:38:34]>> [laughter] >> it's just off. You can't I mean I believed it but then at the end she did that little head nod.

[00:38:38]>> Yeah. Where like she approved her own self. Yeah, she's like >> that was good.

[00:38:42]>> She's like >> [laughter] >> I think she was like that ought to do it.

[00:38:44]>> Yeah, that's what she did at the end.

[00:38:46]She had me until the little nod at the end like I did it. That's fine. You're sick. Oh, god damn it. [laughter] I'm sick to my god damn stomach.

[00:38:53]>> man. They don't [ __ ] appreciate [ __ ] Ho- I mean even heroism. Heroics.

[00:39:01]They don't appreciate it.

[00:39:02]>> Did you tell Dawn yet what you've done?

[00:39:03]Not yet. I'm going to save it for later.

[00:39:05]I'm going to wake her up in the middle of the night.

[00:39:06]>> [laughter] >> Huh? That's a good move.

[00:39:09]>> Yeah, I'm going to wake up like Dawn.

[00:39:10]But like wake her up like a like a grab like give her like like give her like a back of the leg punch.

[00:39:15]I'm going to actually kick her in the back of the hamstring. Charlie horse her.

[00:39:18]>> Yeah. Yeah. With my knee. I'm going to wake up and I'll be like sorry babe, I can't sleep. Yeah. And then tell her it's like it's a lot of When is it while I'm you go while I'm sleeping there could be other ethnics [ __ ] dying out there.

[00:39:30]>> [laughter] >> Not where we live. I'd have to go down like 35 minutes.

[00:39:34]>> Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:39:35]Yeah, that's a drive.

[00:39:37]>> [laughter] >> Maybe if I catch one on the way home in Yonkers.

[00:39:41]You and the two gay guys in the neighborhood could take the [ __ ] [ __ ] mobile down to the [ __ ] city. You could be a >> [laughter] >> You could be a power trio.

[00:39:49]Bear Bear Bear Bear and Bobo.

[00:39:52]Bear Bear and Bobo the heroes. Bear Bear. Bear [clears throat] Bear Bear Bear. Um yeah, it is uh I will tell her tonight. I will give her you know, but she'll probably give me the same attitude as uh you know, they expect it.

[00:40:06]Women expect >> going to give you the credit. She's going to do that same old [ __ ] where she gives the credit to God.

[00:40:11]>> Yeah, she oh God put you there. And it's like no. [ __ ] the fact that I have a lot of un-worked out mental problems from my childhood and have to go to this particular doctor Mhm. is why I was there. Yeah. What? Yeah.

[00:40:24]Yeah. Yeah, you're right. You got to deal with a lot of stuff. Yeah. And you're working through your weird fascination with with [ __ ] guys with tits.

[00:40:30]>> No, that's No, that's not a We don't work on that.

[00:40:33]>> [ __ ] like stresses you out.

[00:40:35]>> No, it doesn't stress me out.

[00:40:36]>> it's your main topic of conversation over there.

[00:40:37]>> not the main topic of >> you out that you can't get past that in your fan stage. I don't even have to get past I don't I'm not in it. You You're already walking in with that. And so she's just going to like You know what we're dealing with, which is funny?

[00:40:50]What?

[00:40:51]Anger.

[00:40:52]Who? Me.

[00:40:54]And your therapist >> we're dealing with my anger issues. Yeah, what does your therapist insult you and see if you do anything about it? What are you going to do, [ __ ] He goes to the therapy.

[00:41:04]He goes, "Stupid, ugly, lazy, [ __ ] no-good asshole."

[00:41:09]>> gives me a mason jar that you can't open and then he starts calling me names. And he goes, "Open it, [ __ ] pus swag."

[00:41:14]>> [laughter] >> Oh, I guess I should give it to a man and not a lady. Yeah. And they're like, "Oh." You'll never be nothing, right?

[00:41:21]Isn't that what your stepdad told you?

[00:41:23]You're a piece of [ __ ] He goes, "This is what you have to do when Don comes charging into your therapy session and you're on one of those X crosses and your doctor's kicking you in the balls and you're like, 'No, baby, this is We're working on my anger.

[00:41:35]I'm I'm definitely not in the gay humiliation.'" That's how I do open something that's really hard to open. I just go, "I will BE SOMEBODY." NICE.

[00:41:42]>> [laughter] >> I JUST I get all my childhood rage. Not me. I take a a butter knife and I take the back of it and go "Coom.

[00:41:51]You have no rage? And then it opens. No rage when it comes to opening jars.

[00:41:54]There's tricks to all of them. Can I I I wanted to bring up uh something I had the sense of rage in me.

[00:42:01]>> Well, hang on. Go ahead, please.

[00:42:03]As heroes we'll allow it.

[00:42:06]Speak, Jacob. Can I ask you what's hobby? Real quick. If you're a Jay This is our Hall of Justice. We'll put our invisible shield up.

[00:42:13]Do you think we should let him talk?

[00:42:15]Let him go over to what he has to say.

[00:42:16]All right. Well, let me hear what he says. We can listen. As two heroes, let's be honest here. If we have to get in the tight spaces, we're going to need a little [ __ ] Jet Li guy to go through the vents. Yeah, that's true. He would be good in the vents.

[00:42:26]>> let's hear his idea.

[00:42:27]>> I'm sure he knows how to pick a lock, too. I'm sure he does that in his off time.

[00:42:30]>> It's probably just Jew [ __ ] >> Yeah, exactly.

[00:42:33]He probably has Mossad training. Yeah, they always know how to pick locks, don't they?

[00:42:37]Let's hear his idea.

[00:42:38]>> Okay.

[00:42:38]No [ __ ] he's asleep. [ __ ] >> [ __ ] We talked too long.

[00:42:43]>> [laughter] >> It took a while.

[00:42:45]That ain't on me. Jacob, as heroes, we agreed to hear your We We agreed as heroes to hear your to hear your >> to hear your thoughts. Your thoughts?

[00:42:53]Well, as you know, >> 1 minute with the Council of Heroes.

[00:42:58]>> [laughter] >> Yeah, we have a lot of heroing to do.

[00:43:03]It's something I've never understood.

[00:43:06]And you know, of course, that I worked on the Wise Guy show, as as did DJ Lou Witzky. Yes.

[00:43:13]And I think the thing that triggered me the most about that [ __ ] god awful show is that I mean, it was terrible. They were terrible.

[00:43:23]But, even when I was in high school, I don't know what it is about Italian-Americans.

[00:43:28]Everyone should take pride in their their culture, their background. I think that's a good thing.

[00:43:33]But, what is it about the Italian-Americans that took it to a unbelievable dildo proportions.

[00:43:41]>> OH. YOU know what I'm saying?

[00:43:43]>> Oh.

[00:43:43]Yeah. What the [ __ ] do you mean? You can't compete with the >> Go [ __ ] your mother. That's what I'm talking about.

[00:43:50]Because I'm Italian. That's not hero talk. Oh, sorry. I'm working in the anger.

[00:43:54]>> You're in hero mode. I'm sorry. You got to drop that dumb guinea for a second.

[00:43:57]>> All right, I apologize. But, they were by far the biggest [ __ ] jerk off This [ __ ] sucker. WHAT THE [ __ ] IS UP WITH HIM, JACK? IT'S THE GODS.

[00:44:05]>> THIS [ __ ] MEATBALL. You mean the host of the show?

[00:44:08]>> Epic No, I'm talking about like high school Italians. You couldn't walk They had the Italian flag on the entire hood of the car. They had the the Italian flag license plate border.

[00:44:22]>> talking about Puerto Ricans or Italians?

[00:44:23]Italians. Okay. [laughter] Cuz Can you find my friend Ed Gentili on Facebook or something?

[00:44:28]>> Puerto Ricans and Italians so close. But they were such [ __ ] [ __ ] about it. Be proud.

[00:44:35]But don't annoy the hell out of everyone. And then I thought to myself, this has got to be a kid thing that you'll grow out of.

[00:44:40]>> So Jews don't be proud at all? So Jews don't do that like wear like diamond crosses stars of David and tattoos of What group do you know that ever took Rich boss.

[00:44:52]>> heritage pride to that level?

[00:44:54]>> He's not Hasidic in Brooklyn. He's not a group. No, no, no. We're talking about Try to go Try to go to >> People you interact with. Well, I think that Jersey Italians are like Hasidic Jews. It's like the [laughter] same type.

[00:45:05]Why don't you go to the Why don't you go to the Woodbridge the mall up there and on a weekend and see if you get around too easy. He's two gods. [laughter] No, I Hey, go by the minivans trying to get you off the road. But I I think Ed Gentili. Ed Gentili. Um It might be Gentile though like the way it's spelled but like he was a my friend growing up and he was our this guy you're talking about. And to this day I promise you you will see him as we speak right now whatever age he is wearing bikini bathing suits European cut bathing suits. He will uh He got super into soccer Italian teams.

[00:45:39][laughter] You know what I mean? He has it He has Italy on his chest the boot. He's got a [ __ ] [ __ ] >> pies on >> Can I do the Can I [laughter] do a I just want to see I want to do one thing.

[00:45:48]I want to do a test right now. I have a very Italian friend of mine Paul G. And I would like to call him and put it to the test to see if you're right Jacob.

[00:45:55]I'm going to tell him >> But before you do that I want to I want to just I just want to say I just You don't have to be an [ __ ] I just want to see if you're right about Italians.

[00:46:03]Not at all. Hey, Paul G, how you doing?

[00:46:06]>> [laughter] >> I'm a babo. Hey >> [clears throat] >> Paul Paul You've said it all. Now, one of the guys on my show, one of the producers says that Italians are [ __ ] What was it again? I'm over the top >> Over the top, over the top pride, excessive pride.

[00:46:21]>> tell me something on the radio?

[00:46:22]>> Oh, you guys are on the You're on the radio. Are you okay with that? Oh my god, yeah. Okay. [laughter] Well, he said you guys Italians are over the top, too much pride, and you're all a bunch of [ __ ] goombah [ __ ] loud [ __ ] Gindaloon is the word I would use.

[00:46:35]>> Gindaloon, he called you a gindaloon.

[00:46:36]I'm with you on that, but there's different degrees of Italian. Yeah.

[00:46:40]Different degrees. What about you?

[00:46:43]I'm American, you know that. I'm I'm Italian descent, but I'm American.

[00:46:46]>> Well, he said Italian All Italians suck.

[00:46:48]What do you feel about that?

[00:46:50]I didn't [laughter] say that.

[00:46:52]Well, let me tell you Let's just put it this way, without saying anything, I own an Italian restaurant, and when Italians come to book parties, I hide in the office.

[00:47:01]>> [laughter] >> All right, thank you, Paul. I appreciate you, buddy. I'll call you later. Bye.

[00:47:06][laughter] I like him.

[00:47:07]>> Well, apparently, he's [ __ ] Jacob's on to something. No, but this is my point. So, years later, I'm not So, it's been years since I'm in high school. I'm on the Wise Guy show. I get a stuck with the show. I didn't even know what it was.

[00:47:20]>> Yeah.

[00:47:20]I meet them, and I'm this the older This is 40 or 50 years later, it's still in them.

[00:47:27]>> Yeah. I know.

[00:47:28]>> It never leaves that jerk-off pride.

[00:47:30]>> the way he answered the phone, "Babo, ho!"

[00:47:32]>> Exactly.

[00:47:33]>> Yeah, but he he was right.

[00:47:35]>> Cha Cha, died, and I I believe, and I remember thinking to myself that like that jerk-off Italian pride you have inside, you take it with you.

[00:47:47]It goes throughout You can go your entire life.

[00:47:49]>> he's in heaven right now going, "Hey, Saint Peter, ah!"

[00:47:52]>> Like ghost. Like that's their the just "I'm going to steal these gates. They're gold, huh?

[00:47:58]It doesn't fascinate you that you can act like a child like that?

[00:48:02]>> I like I actually like I've been around Italians. I worked in an Italian restaurant, a lot of mob guys, a lot of Italian guys. To me, I have an affinity for it cuz I love them. But yes, I agree with you. There's some of them that take it way too far. This is what I hate.

[00:48:18]When they're not even They don't even know how to speak Italian, but when they order something, they say it in an Italian like give me the pasta fazole.

[00:48:25]Oh my god. Like if you if you if he if his answering machine picks up, it goes, "Hey, it's Paul G from Casaletto's."

[00:48:32]>> [laughter] >> It [ __ ] bothers me. Yes, it should.

[00:48:36]>> So much. That's like the people >> Casaletto's. uh Italian new Spanish newscasters that drop in the uh the the the super Spanish way to pronounce their last name.

[00:48:47]>> yeah, yeah.

[00:48:49]But I think the word we're all looking for is taxing. Yeah, they're taxing.

[00:48:53]>> They're taxing. They can be taxing. I find them very fun and interesting characters, but they can be taxing.

[00:49:00]Y- yes, I agree with you. Taxing is the word.

[00:49:03]>> a little over the top and a little They believe in the They watch too many movies and they believe >> think they're a [ __ ] connected.

[00:49:10]>> Yeah, yeah, they're all connected.

[00:49:11]They're like They're like black people.

[00:49:13]>> a made guy, but you know >> But they watch Goodfellas, so they're connected.

[00:49:16]>> Yeah, they're connected though.

[00:49:17]>> Yeah. It's like black people, they're all cousins. Can I tell you >> thing, too, right, Lou? Black me up. I remember >> absolutely. Yeah, that's my cousin. No, it's not. I get it, but it's not.

[00:49:26]>> Yeah, exactly. You're right.

[00:49:28]>> Yeah. I remembered, by the way, one of my favorite wiseguy moments.

[00:49:31]>> Yeah.

[00:49:32]I have to sing it cuz don don don don don don don What the hell happened this week? Don don don don What the hell happened this week? Don don don don don don Now, you may be asking yourself right now, what is he talking about?

[00:49:45]That was a segment on the show called What the Hell Happened This Week. I was going to get you shill last us what the segment was called.

[00:49:52]Well, I beat you to it. I I should have.

[00:49:55]And what they did was they covered current events. That was the current events thing.

[00:49:59]>> I'll put my my invisible shield up. I don't think he knows that we're doing a like a comedy show. He's going to say that. He gets very >> Cuz he's saying he's saying twice >> Yeah. What the hell's going on this week?

[00:50:11]>> It's what the hell happened. What the hell happened this week? He's saying it twice. Can he hear through this? I don't think so. Okay.

[00:50:16]But [clears throat] he said that and then he goes and the segment was called What the hell happened this week? Yeah.

[00:50:22]And I said You should let us guess the title.

[00:50:25]You're right. Cuz he just sang it.

[00:50:27]>> Yeah, he just sang it. And I was so Yeah. It would have been funnier if he went for himself. He would have been like, "Now, this is a segment called whose dog is this?"

[00:50:35]That would have been funny because it's not It's not >> What the hell happened this week? Yeah, it would have been funny. It's a theme song. It's what the hell happened this week, but that's not the title of the segment.

[00:50:44]>> Hold your hand up. He can hear you.

[00:50:45][ __ ] What the [ __ ] >> Oh my god, did he see my face the whole time?

[00:50:48]>> No, he just the first second. [ __ ] sucker. Okay, I already bring it down.

[00:50:51]Hey.

[00:50:51]>> Hey, what's up, dude? Hey.

[00:50:55]Well, it was the the current events thing. Like when they were doing dumb with their dumb Italian talk.

[00:51:01]>> Yeah.

[00:51:02]>> They would What the current events was that they >> Madonnini, the dog [ __ ] eh?

[00:51:06]Okay, one of the ones I will never forget this is one that they start that segment to go Uh so, what the hell hap- the jingle would play and then they would go, "So, what the hell happened this week?"

[00:51:17]>> [laughter] >> And then they would tackle the biggest world events. You know what you when and they would solve it with their Italian philosophy? Yeah. You know what you do with these [ __ ] terrorists? I'll tell you what you do. You take him in the back of the SHED AND BETTER BEING you put two in the back of their brain. Oh, [screaming] you [ __ ] [ __ ] >> The guy And this was That's how they solved everything with Italian.

[00:51:38]>> Hey, what's a for a second >> They figured out a couple They figured a couple of things though. Let's do a agree right now. This show here This show could really benefit from some sausage and peppers on the table.

[00:51:49]>> Ooh.

[00:51:51]Yeah.

[00:51:52]>> had a nice spread We had a nice spread, we'd be all energy would be up. We wouldn't have to eat that [ __ ] food next door from the uh you know >> Yeah, we're over at the [ __ ] deli eating uh yeah. That Mugo Gakaka Yeah.

[00:52:02]Bobby's over there [ __ ] looking for his next victim slash uh person he saves.

[00:52:07]This [ __ ] Obama. Oh.

[00:52:10]Oh, this is it.

[00:52:12]Oh, hey, ho.

[00:52:15]Hey.

[00:52:19]Mawana >> That sounds like a It sounds like an exercise in speech he's taking. A brown boy bought a bag of brown bananas to the bottom of the high school. He has a pie in his mouth. Yeah. An entire pizza pie in his mouth. [laughter] I understand, but it's folded so he could talk.

[00:52:33]Cha-Cha had a um What's the word I'm looking for?

[00:52:39]Whenever he heard he had a Pavlovian reaction to the word Obama.

[00:52:43]Oh, really?

[00:52:44]>> What was it? What does that mean? I can't really say the word.

[00:52:46]>> [laughter] >> Oh. Probably because of >> the amount of times I hit the dump button because he had the this this reaction to the word Obama. [laughter] Okay, I get Let's guess.

[00:52:56]Let's guess. Let's guess. Guess. Out loud.

[00:52:59]>> He went over and [laughter] pushed a button with his nose and chicken came out.

[00:53:05]Cuz it's Pavlov's the dog was Bobby, can I get you over here again?

[00:53:10]This is whistle shield. Yeah, what's up, Bobby? Pavlov's experiment >> was a dog. So he did the thing and then he'd go over and push the button and then >> it was great.

[00:53:17]>> would come out.

[00:53:17]>> Food would come out cuz it was yeah. So when he says Pavlovian response >> You thought that it would be it'd be funny. It'd be funny if you did Pavlov.

[00:53:24]He heard Obama, he would just like a Manchurian candidate, he'd just get up from whatever he's doing and go push a button and then chicken come out. He said then after doing like Tell us for the black thing. And it was low-hanging fruit for sure. I saw Black Lou over the shoulder give a little like you could have done better. But I didn't have time to think. I I moving quick. You're doing good. You work on the fly.

[00:53:42]>> You work on the fly.

[00:53:43]>> It's all live. We're live.

[00:53:44]>> Everything's live. We can't make mistakes. He doesn't get that. I don't think he gets it.

[00:53:48]>> I don't think he gets it. Okay.

[00:53:49]Hey, what's up? How you doing?

[00:53:52]Hey, bud. Hey, bud. What's happening?

[00:53:53]Hey, chief. Okay. Cool. I'm back. He said he said I'm back.

[00:53:56]>> He's back. Well, do you listen?

[00:53:59]>> [laughter] >> Well, I'm back. [ __ ] terrorist. Oh!

[00:54:03]Obama, that [ __ ] BABYLONIAN >> [laughter] >> BABYLONIAN [ __ ] SHOW. YEAH. ANYWAY, He's going to do the same thing in 10 years when we're done doing this. And then the next show.

[00:54:18]>> men. What was first? Foxhole or that?

[00:54:21]That was first. Foxhole got I can't it came afterwards.

[00:54:24]>> So, what was worse? Foxhole or that?

[00:54:28]No, [ __ ] Depends. If he did Fox If he did Foxhole first, he would have really enjoyed that Goodfellas show more.

[00:54:33][laughter] Yeah. You both did it.

[00:54:36]Foxhole? No, Goodfellas. The wife I should I did it one time. Yeah. Yeah, the one time. And they kept going, "This guy's talking like I was I was joking around going, 'What the [ __ ] kind of you know, what the [ __ ] you guys busting my balls?'" They go, "What are you doing?

[00:54:49]Joe Pesci? You think that's fun?" They got offended that they thought I was doing Joe They were like, "You That's a friend of ours." I go, "Fuck yourselves."

[00:54:56]>> Vincent Pastore's face looks like a drawing of a hamburger.

[00:55:00]It [laughter] does. He does look like a bajool.

[00:55:03]Like it's like everything's like a layer. It's got a layer of lips and then a layer of nose and fore- like everything's layers across it. Yeah.

[00:55:11]Tell me a vulgar joke. Hey, let me tell you something. Hey, you get my cookbook?

[00:55:14]I left it for you on the table last time. I'm not going to hand it to you directly cuz I don't do that.

[00:55:20]>> [laughter] >> They had a jingle open for every segment.

[00:55:32]All of them I can barely talk cuz they're [ __ ] own fat neck for squeezing their [ __ ] voice boxes.

[00:55:48]>> [clears throat] [clears throat] >> We got to take a commercial. Bobby Kelly, you know all our [ __ ] punchupthatline.com/robertkelly, bigjaycomedy.com