Kim Holderness wrote a book about ADHD – then found out she has it | ADHD Aha!

Added: 2026-05-12

[00:00:00]So, I asked her the question, "How does this present in women?" And the answer she gave stopped me in my tracks because I'm like, "Well, that can't be ADHD because that's that's my brain." I thought that was every busy mom. I thought that was everybody in pmenopause. I thought that was just anybody with anxiety. And the way she described it, that fits so much better than anything else.

[00:00:28]Hi everyone and welcome back to ADHD Aha, the show where people share the moment when it finally clicked that they have ADHD. ADHD can be snaky. Even folks who are surrounded by ADHD, have loved ones with ADHD, have a spouse with ADHD, have even written books about ADHD can go undiagnosed for years. That was the case for my guest today, Kim Holderness of the Holderness Family. Kim and her husband Penn do it all. They are award-winning podcast hosts, best-selling authors, and they have millions of followers across social media who adore their relatable sketch comedy and music. Kim, welcome to the show. So excited to have you here today.

[00:01:08]How are you?

[00:01:09]>> I'm doing great. Thanks for having me.

[00:01:11]>> I forgot to mention that you also are the winners of season 33 of The Amazing Race.

[00:01:15]>> Yes. It's it's a fun fact. I can pull that at a cocktail party for sure.

[00:01:19]>> All right, Kim. So, you were diagnosed recently. Yes, I was diagnosed in September of last year officially.

[00:01:27]>> So tell me what was going on at that time.

[00:01:29]>> First of all, I I just turned 50 a like last week. So 49 time. Thank you. 49 deep into pmenopause like crazy. I've always had really bad PMS, really bad postpartum depression. So it would stand to reason that perry menopause has just been wild. My daughter also had just left for college. So I was just just emotionally there was just such huge swings. And of course I'm like, "Oh, it's permenopause. Everybody has told me it's perry menopause."

[00:02:02]>> And as a point of background, um I I've been into therapy my whole adult life. I started going to therapy, you know, the free therapist in college. The um diagnosis was always, "Oh, you have anxiety. You have anxiety and OCD." It explained a lot for sure, but it never truly checked all the boxes. Like it didn't really fit. Like I didn't have all it didn't totally make sense. But I mean, yeah, I felt anxious. So that summer we actually had a guest on our podcast. Her name is Dr. Amelia Kelly.

[00:02:36]She's local to us and she had written you books about ADHD and she really specializes in treatment of women with ADHD. We had written a book about called ADHD is awesome and about how it and it kind of universally presents and it was like a very general because my husband my my son have ADHD. So was it was a very general presentation of ADHD. It and it did very well. We learned so much about it but it did not include a lot of information specifically about women. So I asked her the question, hey, you know, how does this present in women? How does ADHD present differently? And the answer she gave it's it's stopped me in my tracks because I'm like well that can't be ADHD because that's that's my brain like right >> that that that's not ADHD cuz that's just like that's just anx just anxiety that's just pmenopause and it went on and on and on like this and then you take the lens and you look back at your life and >> it was that aha moment. M >> what was it specifically about what she said that really resonated with you?

[00:03:41]>> She equated the hyperactivity. So instead of Yeah, I I've always been a fidgeter. I've always had a fidget toy.

[00:03:47]But she equated the hyperactivity as internal and I just thought those racing thoughts, inability to focus on one thing, having to reread something eight times to really retain it. I just thought that was everyone. I thought that was every busy mom. I thought that was everybody in pmenopause. I thought that was just anybody with anxiety.

[00:04:11]>> And the way she described it, it just felt so on the nose that fit so much better than anything else.

[00:04:20]>> How did it feel different than anxiety?

[00:04:23]Or what was the interplay between the two? The way anxiety was explained to me was this fear of the future, you know, fear for the uncertainty.

[00:04:37]My anxiety never really felt like that.

[00:04:40]I in looking back over moments of my life, I would just get so disregulated emotionally about pretty simple things. I mean um big things of course yes my daughter leaving for college that you expect that you know right in neurotypical people that's going to be disregulating >> um you we talked about the amazing race I mean I got I was so wildly dregulated that entire time other people were having so much fun >> I mean crazy stories and I'm like oh this is just you know just anxiety and looking back I'm like oh that was the emotional dis dysregulation they're talking about.

[00:05:21]>> Oh, can you give me an example of that?

[00:05:23]How it played out?

[00:05:24]>> I could read like you get a clue when you open up on The Amazing Race. And I was reading the words out loud, but nothing stuck in my brain because I was flooding to the point where there was one episode where I had to do a bungee jump and I read bungee jump, but it didn't process in my brain until the team next to me said bungee jump. And I'm like, wait, there's a bungee jump.

[00:05:48]And then when we got back to the hotel room, of course, there's no cameras there and you're not allowed to leave um the hotel room for security reasons. And I'm like, I'm going to make a run for it. I I have my credit card number memorized. What are they going to do? It was just so I think disregulated fit it more than anxiety fit it.

[00:06:08]>> I mean, to be fair, I think bungee dumping might disregulate lots of people. I could Yeah, >> but it was how you reacted to it is what you're saying, right? It was it was I think I had an outsized reaction and I think a better example is probably you know bringing snacks to the sports team stuff like that like like the organization of it all like having enough drinks and then having enough like fruit snacks and if what if these people are allergic to this like just having like the list of it all triple-checking the list like all of that stuff would set me I I I would spiral over something as simple as that.

[00:06:45]the diagnosis, how did that change how you see yourself?

[00:06:50]>> So, the diagnosis was officially early September and I was diagnosed with the combined type and I called my husband who was in the car with my son and I said, you know, like I caught it. I got, you know, I know you can't catch ADHD, but trying to make light of it. And they were obviously so supportive and they both were like, there were signs. We knew, we totally knew. Um, >> wait, they knew and they didn't say anything.

[00:07:21]>> They, my son, I I will have had a conversation in my head and then I will start mid-sentence started saying something out loud. I'll be like, "Okay." And then and and he always says like I look like I'm buffering because I'm like I'm sitting there and then I start talking out loud. So he goes, "Yeah, mom, you're always buffering." So they they knew there were signs. Um I didn't tell my mom. I didn't tell my best friends. I didn't tell the people I work with. I wasn't ready for it. And it had nothing to do with shame. It had everything to do with just feeling like such a fraud because I had co-authored a book about ADHD.

[00:08:06]And I saw so many of those signs in myself and I and here I am like I have insurance and I have the privilege to get appointments and I have all this stuff and yet still I didn't have a diagnosis. So I was embarrassed. I think any sort of relief I could have felt was sort of overpowered by simply feeling like a fraud.

[00:08:33]>> Has that come to bear at all? Have is that mostly in your mind or or are people actually being rude?

[00:08:40]>> No. Everybody has been so deeply kind and if anything it has proved how hard it is as a woman.

[00:08:50]>> Yeah. or how easy it is to slip through the cracks. I think um I do not blame any of the therapists or medical professionals I've seen before because the way it presents in my case looks so different than how it presents with my husband or my son. Everybody's different, but you could be like, "Oh, well that makes sense. That's pretty classically ADHD." I think the way it presents in most women, it is so easy to miss. So, I was able to give myself some grace just being reminded like, "No, actually, you're an example of how easy it is to slip through the cracks."

[00:09:31]>> One thing that you mentioned to me when um when we chatted last week, Kim, was anxiety felt like it was your fault and ADHD has kind of shifted your lens on that. Can you can you talk about that?

[00:09:41]Yeah. A as I was able to sit there and really unravel it all, finally after I was able to process that sort of grief and fraudulent feelings, there was a sense of relief in that anxiety always felt like I had I was creating it. I it felt like if I could meditate more or cut out sugar or do more yoga that I should be able to handle delivering snacks to the tennis team without >> having this really huge reaction. I should be able to remember everything. I should be able to walk in a store and like remember why I was there if I was able to clear my mind and do all these things. Like anxiety was my fault. I had created it. Whereas ADHD, you put that lens on it and it's, oh, you were born this way and it's not the excuse, but it is an explanation for why your brain might be programmed to do this. And I have to say, especially over the last few months, it does feel like a weight has been lifted. I'm so happy to hear that. And it's a little bit different than what I often hear from folks. They feel like ADHD isn't valid. It's not a valid diagnosis >> and that they're just lazy and they should just work harder. And you know, I'm I'm sorry to hear that you feel that way or have felt that way about your anxiety, which also wouldn't be your fault. Right.

[00:11:17]>> Correct. I think this is where I might be more advanced in the ADHD journey than the average bear is that I know I knew so much about ADHD, right?

[00:11:29]>> I knew I know that you can't say to my 16-year-old son, just try harder. I know that there's an activation issue. So, just trying harder. I knew that was just like an awful thing to have to say to an ADHD person. From the outside, it seems like you live a pretty high octane life.

[00:11:48]You do so much. How How I I mean, you haven't spoken much yet about your husband Penn, who also has ADHD, and I I'm just wondering, are you guys body doubling? Like, how is this all How are you doing all this?

[00:12:00]>> Is that as if what funny? Well, he is off camera right there writing a song right now. um we are now looking back and seeing how he has supported me in ways that I needed and that he was supporting me because of my particular brand of ADHD. Mhm.

[00:12:22]>> So backing up work-wise we do a lot but you are seeing our life 3 minutes at a time and we can be very prolific creatively but then I think there is a point where pen and I we stop. We don't have um eight hours a day of high productivity every single day. I think we have spurts and then we allow ourselves to rest because we consider that part of the creative process but >> also I think our brains require that and also we have help like we have help in our that we work with we have help around the house so we do not do all of this on our own >> but in our home in our personal life >> I for a long time I can't sign a contract I can't do paperwork I can't fill out camp like our kids don't go to camp or never went to camp. They went to camp camp one time because the paperwork was too overwhelming.

[00:13:19]>> An absolute nightmare. Yeah.

[00:13:20]>> Yeah. I I mean, they went one summer and I'm like, I can never do that again. Uh getting the kids physical forms filled out. Pen has always taken that over because I was like I it causes me physical pain to do paperwork and like there were signs, right? and to the point where I'm not allowed to buy plane tickets anymore because I consistently misspelled my name, put in the wrong TSA, I bought them to the wrong city, bought them on the wrong dates. Like, I have I have never once successfully purchased plane tickets to the right place with the right person's name or birthday.

[00:13:53]>> Oh my god, Kim, I'm relating so hard. We took our We're very fortunate. We took our kids to Disney World for their birthdays just a few weeks ago, and >> we get to the airport. It's 4 in the morning. It was just chaos. We couldn't get in early enough even though we had gotten there like 3 hours early. And then we get up to the TSA agent and he's like, "Your name doesn't match what's on your credit card."

[00:14:12]>> Yes.

[00:14:13]>> This is every time I fly. I did that with Southwest. My name is Kim Holder Ness and I had filled out most recently that my name is Kim Holder and so there couldn't get through. But Penn has ADHD.

[00:14:26]So that's what So he has ADHD. So, I asked him cuz I had made it to Austin somehow, but I couldn't get back because I I messed up my I couldn't find my boarding pass because I'd misspelled it.

[00:14:37]And so, he's in my email and I was feeling really embarrassed. And I was like, "How do you do this?" Like, if if it's because of my ADHD that this has happened, how are you so good?

[00:14:48]>> Yeah.

[00:14:48]>> And he said, "I do it because it helps you and I do it because it makes you happy." But his instinct is to not do it either. He really like focuses.

[00:14:59]>> Not to correct you.

[00:15:00]>> What happened?

[00:15:01]>> I do it because it's of personal interest to me.

[00:15:03]>> Pen is speaking. If you can't hear him.

[00:15:05]>> Okay. Wait. Come over here. Come over here. Say it to the microphone.

[00:15:07]>> He can make a cameo.

[00:15:09]>> Okay.

[00:15:10]>> I was trying to Oh sh I was trying to explain the interestbased nervous system that we do well at things if they are challenging, new or novel or of personal interest. And it's of personal interest for my wife to like me. And so for that reason that like me helping her jibes with my ADHD more than if I actually had to do it for myself. Sorry to interrupt this interview.

[00:15:30]>> I love it. We needed a cameo.

[00:15:32]>> All you this is your this is >> things that are fodder for for the work the content that you and Penn family create. A lot of them are ADHD challenges.

[00:15:43]>> Yes.

[00:15:44]>> My favorite is always the it's going to be May video to the >> That's so funny. Yes. Did you realize that when you were making that content or are you just looking back and thinking about it now?

[00:15:54]>> No, I just But again, that is why I thought and because they related to so many people. Yeah.

[00:16:00]>> That is why I thought everybody was dealing with this because we would talk about >> the overwhelm of you know the parent teacher conferences and the end of school this and like we would talk about that as overwhelming and I do think it is. I I think for any it is for any person it absolutely is. But again, that is one of the reasons why I thought it was everybody because anything we talked about, people related to >> people related to it. But again, looking back, you're like, "Oh, there were signs."

[00:16:29]>> Yeah. I mean, they are they're challenging for everybody. They're extra challenging for folks with ADHD. What I'm what we're talking about with the it's going to be May video is like when that when at the end of the school year, all the things that parents have to do for their kids start like piling on. I mean, we're at that point right now is we're recording. It's It's coming and I'm like, >> you know, getting I'm gearing up for it, like gerting my loins. And thankfully, I have a lot of friends who >> they just know me and they just they're like, "Hey, by the way, the bake sale is tomorrow or like there's a half day on on Thursday." And I'm like, "Really?

[00:17:00]Why?

[00:17:01]>> Why?" And so, we have a foreign exchange student for two and a half weeks. So, I have a group of moms. I'm like, could you just in the morning if you if you were to think of it, not to like to put more mental load on you, but if there's like a packed lunch situation, could you hit me up just as like a cue? And and these they are so or I love having organized friends is such a hack. They have been so helpful of the Okay, remember send in money for this today.

[00:17:29]I'm like, >> yeah.

[00:17:31]>> I think earlier on in the interview I mentioned body doubling.

[00:17:34]>> Yes. Is that a term that you and Penn ever use when when you're working on things together?

[00:17:39]>> Yeah. So, we work in different places in the house, which is helpful because we both get distracted. So, we're up here and I'm in his office right now, which is why um he he was here writing a song.

[00:17:49]So, we do separate during the workday, but there are moments when we will go down to the kitchen table if we're just both just in like writing mode and just need to, you know, we set a timer and we'll say, "Okay, let's go for 25 minutes and like see what happens."

[00:18:04]Again, like we've always done this if, you know, we're setting an alarm for we we're timing it for 30 minutes and seeing what we can get done like housework wise, giving ourselves a 10-minute break to, you know, play a game, play some music, and then getting back for 30 minutes. Like, we do stuff in chunks. And it only works if we're all doing it. Because I did realize that my husband, my son are very, they want to be helpful. They don't want to leave their stuff all around. But if we were all doing it together, they were very and we made it a contest, we made it a game, they were more likely to engage.

[00:18:40]>> So, how did Pen react when he found out you had ADHD? I know he was like, "I knew it." But what was there anything else to his reaction that's notable for you?

[00:18:48]>> Uh, he was so deeply kind. I I think because my reaction was, "Oh no, if people find out, they're going to hate me because I'm such a fraud." But he was I I've said this, if anybody gets diagnosed with ADHD, they have to call Pen Holderness because he's going to make them feel so good about their brain. And he immediately was by Hype Squad, which was look at what you've done with your life having ADHD and and yet you still have accomplished XYZ even with you even with all of all of these things working against you. Look at what you've done now that you know, look what you're going to do. And he was just Yeah, he's alltime hype man.

[00:19:32]>> That's wonderful. Oh, I'm so happy that you guys have each other.

[00:19:35]>> I know. He's pretty great.

[00:19:37]>> Is he listening to you right now?

[00:19:39]>> He just came back in.

[00:19:40]>> Oh, he heard a compliment, so he was like, I'm gonna come back in. Yeah.

[00:19:43]>> Pretty hot, too.

[00:19:46]>> No, he's not listening to me.

[00:19:47]>> So, what are you guys working on right now? Anything that you want to share or or plug? Uh we have a second children's book coming out um in September and it's uh all about how to get it done and have fun. Um we are hopefully working on a young readers edition of ADHD is awesome. I think making it accessible to maybe the 10 to 12 year olds I think will be huge.

[00:20:11]>> Oh, that's nice. Yeah. And your first children's book was called All You Can Be with ADHD.

[00:20:16]>> Yeah.

[00:20:17]>> Kim, is there anything else that you want to share before we we hop off? This has been great and I love the work you're doing and the work Understood is doing and it's it is interesting to to do the deep dive and go back to listen.

[00:20:29]Before I was listening as somebody who was trying to be an ally and an advocate of people with ADHD and now I'm listening as someone who has it and it's um it's a whole new world. So, thank you for what you do.

[00:20:41]>> Well, thank you for listening. We're happy to have you in the club, Kim.

[00:20:44]You're not a fraud.

[00:20:45]>> You definitely have ADHD and I mean that as a compliment.

[00:20:50]Yeah.