This Alien/Terminator Ripoff Was Too Crazy for Theaters

[00:00:00]Today's movie promises us an alien terminator. So, place your bets on how far into this thing we get before the monster actually shows up. Welcome to Sick Flicks, where I take a deep dive into the cinematic sewer to help you embrace your inner gore geek. I'm Mike Bracken, aka the horror geek, and today we're tackling another great Italian Terminator riff in Nell Rosadi's Alien Terminator. Released in 1988, this one has Franco Nero as a drunk writer. And I get it, that's redundant, but anyway, Nero has discovered aliens have visited Earth, and now he's on the run from the government and little gray men as they try to stop him from sharing the news with the world. This one's got Nero being Nero, a south of the border setting that totally fits the vibe, some amazingly cheap special effects, and a story that makes almost no sense. So, pretty much perfect sick flick fodder.

[00:00:43]But enough about that. Can these aliens deliver a coveted five barf bag rating?

[00:00:48]Let's get to the gore and find out. Oh, and before we get started, today's video is sponsored by patrons Octroder, Colin Trrow, and Graham Goodidge. If you'd like to sponsor some videos and free me from the shackles of YouTube's tyranny, you'll find a link to my Patreon in the pinned comment in description below. And now, let's get bloody.

[00:01:07]Huh? Who knew the Department of Motor Vehicles got into the movie business?

[00:01:11]Hey, it's Frank Nero. We last saw him in a terrible wig hunting sharks in The Shark Hunter. Topline. I thought this was Alien Terminator. Topline sounds like a place I'd take my car for an oil change. So Deborah Barrymore isn't one of the famous Barry Moores. She's actually Deborah Moore, daughter of 007 Roger Moore. Are you hungry, Mary? Oh [snorts] yeah, I'm starving. I could eat a whole horse. Have you tried our new William Burger? It's got a garlic ioli sauce on a bio bun. Guest starring George Kennedy. Hope he didn't bring OJ.

[00:01:42]Well, I saw George in the terror within.

[00:01:45]Roberto Jeanvvedi wrote a lot of Italian scripts and worked with Fuli. Man, that is one busy outfit. Must have been laundry day. I do like this Skinamax softcore music though.

[00:01:57][music] Care to share a critique and Sarah? It stinks.

[00:02:05]>> I don't know. It's kind of catchy. I mean, it's No Destination Nowhere, but what is Directed by Nell Rosadi? He gave us Django strikes again as Ted Archer and directed Ursula Andress in the sensuous nurse. Oh, better wake up.

[00:02:19]Movie starting. Ah, yeah. Franco Nero in his natural cinematic habitat. Drunk and working through the mother of all hangovers. I'm a big fan of this scene.

[00:02:28]They just woke Franco up to make him go sleep it off in another room.

[00:02:31]Apparently, housekeeping. You need towels. Wow, they take room service very literally here. Well, that escalated quickly. Seems like this film's Lena Bobbit. Also, do you kids even remember infamous castrator Lena Bobbit? Christ, I'm old. Anyway, turns out the knife is an ancient Aztec dagger used for human sacrifices. Because of course it is. I mean, if it was just an Aztec state knife, that wouldn't be very exciting, would it? Oh, yeah. Big day down at the OTB. Give me $50 on J&M Dreams to win.

[00:03:02]Franco looks like a guy about to take a 400% interest payday loan. No, Mr. Nero, we cannot give you an advance on your salary for this film or pay you in crates of J&B and action. Nailed [clears throat] it. So, this is Mary Stavin who had quite the career. She was MissWorld, released a disco song, turned up in multiple Bond movies and 1985's House. She clearly understands why Franco needs money, too.

[00:03:26]>> If it doesn't get you home, at least you'll pay for your booze.

[00:03:29]>> Um, okay. Scene's over. But let's watch her finish her cigarette, I guess. I think this guy might be a little overdressed for drinking with Lincoln night at the club. Drunk Nero again.

[00:03:40]Can't say I'm surprised. So, basically, this latest bout of binge drinking is because he's here to write manuscripts about the Aztecs for his wife, Mary Stavin. But she fired him. I get the feeling using Getting Fired to go on a binge is basically just Franco's version of It's 5:00 somewhere. Why do I feel like this guy should be selling me Panama Jack sunscreen?

[00:04:00]>> I've got plans.

[00:04:03]great things >> and they involve drinking until I black out.

[00:04:07]>> He who drinks without joy remains thirsty.

[00:04:12]>> So, as the doseekis guy says, "Stay thirsty, my friends." Anyway, in our other movie, these guys are headed to >> destinise. [music and singing] [singing and music] >> Yeah, fine. and we'll stop and buy some souvenirs at this junk stand. My parents went to South America and all I got were these crappy gold Aztec trinkets. Hey, is this a first edition Necronomicon?

[00:04:39]Anyway, this book is historically important.

[00:04:42]>> You've just rewritten history.

[00:04:44]Congratulations.

[00:04:45]>> Nero's like, great. How much free booze does rewriting history get me? Exactly.

[00:04:50]Turns out he really just found a script for an unmade Rocky sequel.

[00:04:54]>> Balboa was plotting Nico's downfall.

[00:04:56]God, every white guy down here is cosplaying Panama Jack and Franco gets spotted by the kids. Hey, are you Franco Nero? Can we get your autograph in a selfie? Anyway, let's head to the morg.

[00:05:07]I love that they have a legal disclaimer on the chalkboard. Probably says it is against state and federal law to perform an autopsy on someone still alive, so make sure they're dead first. Hey, is that the book guy from the last scene?

[00:05:20]We don't really know why he's dead, but he was tortured. So, now Franco's on the case. Hey, do you mind boating me over to the liquor store? Papa needs his magic thinking juice. Do not disturb.

[00:05:30]Genius at work. Oh, he's just getting warmed up. Welcome to Alejandro Sosa's estate, Mr. Montana. Oh, I knew George Kennedy was going to be a South American drug lord. And it's getting weird.

[00:05:43]>> I love to touch [music] lay my hands to it. Run my fingers over the contours. Hell yeah.

[00:05:55]>> Well, sort of like that, you perves. He needs his trinket collection, though.

[00:05:59]Also, how wild is it that they dubbed George Kennedy? Do you uh need me to come back after you get dressed or what?

[00:06:06]This guy's from Copper Tone, and he's here to tell the Panama Jack guys to stop trying to sell sunscreen on his turf. The 80s South American tanning lotion wars were a really brutal time.

[00:06:16]The streets ran thick with white coconut scented sunscreens. Hey, are we wearing the same suit? Whoa. Is Franco Nero's body double standing on the right side of the frame here? So, you up for some drinks? I know it's 9:00 a.m., but Bob would have wanted us to get smashed after his funeral. It is good Franco let her drive. He's almost assurely got a suspended license for DUI. Excuse me. Do you serve booze? Or maybe you just have some spare mouthwash going to waste that I could chug. Beard cross carved into his forehead. This could be Charlie Manson's South American brother. Guess Franco's an angry drunk.

[00:06:48]>> WHO DID YOU STEAL THAT COLLECTION FROM?

[00:06:50]AND PIMPFEST. Let that be a lesson to you kids. Don't ever get between Frank Nero and his booze. I think the best coffee beans are just up ahead, Senor.

[00:07:00]Oh, wait.

[00:07:01]>> The whole world smoke marijuana. They're better than coffee beans.

[00:07:06]>> If we keep going this way, there's another Italian film crew making a cannibal movie over the next ridge. Oh, look. They shot this scene from inside your mom's lady parts. I found the glory hole. Oh, it's where Fortunado is walled in. We'll save you, Fortunado. And what is in here? Oh, not much. Just this giant boat. Or more accurately, this giant matte painting of a boat.

[00:07:29]>> A ship's in your >> Yeah, thanks, Paco. I'm not so drunk that I can't recognize a boat.

[00:07:35]>> No.

[00:07:37]>> Whoa, that's a stretch. Any thoughts, Lance Hendrickson?

[00:07:41]>> That's the stupidest [ __ ] thing I ever heard.

[00:07:43]>> I mean, yeah, even Dr. Hill thinks that is >> totally idiotic. I am in agreement, man.

[00:07:50]They actually built a set here. I'm kind of impressed. Franco was all excited because he thought he found a secret room filled with barrels of booze. And he eventually walks right into this jump scare, [screaming] which starts an earthquake. Um, sure.

[00:08:08]Let's see where that goes. All right.

[00:08:09][clears throat] I think we've earned a drink after making it out of there alive. Hey, we're shooting a movie here and you're blocking our shot. While Frank goes out, the intervention team searches his room for hidden stashes of booze before everyone reads him their heartfelt letters about how his addiction is ruining his life. And this weird dude is back. Hey, Isaac from the Loveboat will be your bartender today.

[00:08:30]Turns out these new characters are bad news. They want Franco dead.

[00:08:35]>> Escapa. Escapa, they kill you.

[00:08:37]>> Thank god Franco was in Enter the Ninja.

[00:08:40]Those ninjutsu [clears throat] skills are coming in handy here. This guy's going to cap Isaac. This is for going light on the tequila pendant. These kids are like, "Hey, we heard you have pallets of shirts for the team who lost the Super Bowl. Hand him over, Nero."

[00:08:54]Action music. [music] Really? Do you need to even chase Franco Nero? Just stay out the local bars.

[00:09:02]He'll show up eventually. Got to keep going. There's got to be a bar somewhere. George Kennedy driving Uber.

[00:09:10]Not because he needs the money, but because he likes to get out and meet new people. Franco's got the DT iss pretty bad. He thinks a Uber driver is trying to kill him. Oh, wait. He is running barefoot through a field of cacti.

[00:09:22]Brutal. Jesus. This is the slowest chase scene ever. The booze. [clears throat] It was a mirage. Check out Kennedy's ascot. What a baller. Frank, are you in here? It's me, Ed. It's wild to me that George Kennedy just perpetually looked like he was 63 years old from like 1940 to 2006. But Franco fools him and buries him alive in rice. I don't even know. If this doesn't suffocate George, it will surely suck all the moisture out of him in a week, leaving him a desiccated husk. This hotel is all-inclusive. You get complimentary pedicures from Roger Moore's daughter. Man, even Tarantino was grossed out by these feet. Oh, and we should point out that Nero now says the boat in the cave is actually a spaceship. So, we're definitely in chariots of the gods territory now.

[00:10:08]Franco's in so much pain they had to bring him a giant bowl of J&B and he's really all in on the alien thing.

[00:10:14]>> Five centuries ago an alien spaceship intercepted about fericquistadors from Panama to Espanola.

[00:10:20]>> This guy's like just how drunk are you Franco? Are the ancient aliens in the room with us now? Then we get this line which is an Alzheimer.

[00:10:28]>> I'll be playing with fire wherever I go.

[00:10:30]>> Turns out that's just because he's an arsonist. Hey, make sure you get some B-roll of the resort. They're not charging us to stay here. I love that this guy has a Bigfoot trucker cap.

[00:10:39]Also, these guys do not respect Franco.

[00:10:42]>> That boss told you I'm a drink sponge.

[00:10:45][laughter] >> Well, they stop long enough to keep Franco lubricated. This kid steals one of their bags. Oh, man. It's just eight heads and an empty bottle at JMBB and a gat. A Jesus. A harmonica scene. This is going to blow. Do you know why I pulled you over, sir? My guess is open container. Oh, no. field sobriety test.

[00:11:06]Everyone run drunkenly into the jungle.

[00:11:09]They can't catch us all. And then things escalate from there. He'll never take me alive, coppers. And they take out Paco, too, and the jeep. I mean, to be fair, this could just be any random jeep explosion. But Franco escapes, and more importantly, finds booze. So, basically, all is right in his world, except that he's stuck in the back with the hens.

[00:11:30]What a bunch of mother cluckers. Live, look at me. Every time I get stuck behind a guy doing 40 in the left lane on the interstate, he's in hot pursuit.

[00:11:37]But Franco has a plan and it's pretty excellent. Ah, yes. Just like the end of Spielberg's duel. While Franco's been fleeing, there have been some developments in town.

[00:11:48]>> They're accused of murdering the professor and the antique dealer.

[00:11:51]>> And to be fair, he could have done this during one of his many blackout phases.

[00:11:54]Sweet. They got a Franko head shot for the news report. Anyway, now this convoluted story is going to get even more convoluted because the Russians are involved and this guy is the guy Nero passed earlier and the film is so sure we're going to be confused by this. They show it twice. No, no, fine to drive. We had a 12-pack with breakfast. Okay, maybe I wasn't fine to drive. But she's the girl of his dreams.

[00:12:18]>> You want a beer?

[00:12:20]>> Hey, what's playing on this radio?

[00:12:22]Destin. [singing] >> Anyway, young mod Labowski chats with video artist Knox Harrington. Deep cut Labowski joke there. Man, Roger Moore's kid is calling New York on a pay phone from South America. That call is probably more expensive than the Ben she's driving. Oh yeah, just going to unwind yourax down here like this is a 30 Rock skit. Oh god, these two are going to hook up. I hope Franco knows that if he doesn't treat her right, her father has a license to kill. Hey, somebody call the dead milkman because we've got a bitching Camaro. Apparently, Open Carry is big down there, too. Is this guy our alien Terminator? Kind of late to add him to the movie. Oh, yeah.

[00:13:02]We got ourselves a real badass here.

[00:13:06][screaming] >> Franco's like, I'm not drunk enough to fight this dude. Run. Great. He set off the whole fireworks display. The kids are going to be so disappointed.

[00:13:16]Interpretive jazz hands. Just like that terrible Katy Perry song.

[00:13:23][music] >> Wow, crazy [clears throat] alien assassin thwarted by fireworks. Also, great fake head. Finally, an alien Terminator. Only took us an hour and 10 minutes to fulfill the promise of the title. I do like that he's an alien cyborg, but he wears sensible dad jeans and sneakers and layers his shirts to account for weather fluctuations. Oh, yeah. This might be the worst chase scene in movie history right here. What is he doing to this wood? Yeah, hide up there with no other path out. Brilliant work, Franco. Bionic jump. Come on, you got to get at least one pull-up on the president's physical fitness test. And none of that kipping pull-up [ __ ] the crossfitters love. Franco Nero, master of dramatically stating the obvious.

[00:14:04]>> He's a robot.

[00:14:05]>> No. What gave it away? They slip out the back, Jack. Like this is 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover and the chase is on again. Oh, hiding in the smoker. That's a great idea. Michael Landon is the Terminator. And surprise, I love how this movie was basically a sort of low rent Indiana Jones wannabe with Franco dodging the CIA and KGB. Then it just says, "I'm bored of that. Let's spend the last 15 minutes making a totally different Terminator ripoff. God bless you, Italy. I've had enough of your bull movie." And we're about to get the cinematic showdown you never knew you always needed. Terminator versus Bull.

[00:14:43]Ah, fantastic mannequin. Chef's kiss.

[00:14:46]Boy, I sure hope our two can put 3PO back together again. Franco just making crazy pronouncements left and right.

[00:14:53]>> Well, someone must have made him.

[00:14:54]>> Nobody on Earth. That's for sure.

[00:14:57]>> This thing is from another [music] planet.

[00:14:58]>> Also, how anticlimactic is it that Franco didn't even kill the cyborg? Our hero farmed that job out to the bull.

[00:15:05]Oh, [clears throat] great. They then head to a boat where he's got his ex-wife and new side piece sharing the same space. This might be more dangerous for Franco than facing the alien Terminator. Oh yeah, this is not awkward at all. Hey, Jose is the same guy as the cyborg. And just in case you weren't sure, the movie is going to help you out. Franco's like, I'm going to take a swing at ending this once and for all.

[00:15:28]If that is an alien Terminator, his situational awareness is terrible. And he was a robot. What are the odds? Well, that or a Highlander immortal. And this is the cheapest quickening ever. Oh no, his ex is in on it, too. What a rugpool.

[00:15:44]Let's not talk about how I fit into the global alien coverup conspiracy because it makes no sense. Let's just look at my rack instead. Nero's like, "Perky boobs like that? Should have known they were not of this earth." And she's an alien or something. Franco's like, "Please let me have the DTS. It's better than thinking I slept with this pretty good mutation. Honestly, I was worried there'd be nothing for the gore card.

[00:16:07]She kind of looks like the trickster from Brain Scan. Hey, can we rip off American Werewolf in London's transformation scene? The catch is we only have $8 in the budget for it. Say hello to your new sexy alien overlords.

[00:16:20]Anyway, they need Earth because we have something rare they need for their spaceships. yada yada yada. And apparently the whole reptilian conspiracy is real.

[00:16:29]>> We govern you. Every key position on your Earth is occupied by one of us. And now Franco's getting some sloppy tongue action.

[00:16:38]>> Hell yeah.

[00:16:39]>> No, I mean this long alien tongue. She's going to ram her over down his throat and legs and his chest. And it's going to get worse, too. So, want to suck face? Hands off my man, [ __ ] It appears the aliens are filled with melted green sour apple Jolly Ranchers, which sounds amazing. In another movie, Diodto and crew leave the Green Inferno after wrapping principal photography on Cannibal Holocaust. Oh god, has Franco gone native? And freeze frame ending, baby. So, what have we learned from Alien Terminator? Well, for starters, that you can call your movie Alien Terminator and not even have an Alien Terminator in the film until the last 20 minutes. That title promises a lot and delivers little. But enough about that.

[00:17:21]Can these Alien Invaders kill enough humans to earn a coveted five barf bag rating? No chance. But let's go to the gore card. In terms of burst anatomy, Alien Terminator is pretty light until the last act. We're treated to one gunshot to the head, one dismembered cyborg, and that very cool alien transformation scene at the climax.

[00:17:39]There are long stretches of this one that are completely bloodless. But the Terminator and alien makeup work is cheap and charming and good enough to get this one a two barf bag rating all by themselves. This one's not the sickest flick, but it is a personal favorite because it's so bonkers and Frank Nero clearly gave zero shits while making it. Want to see another Franco Nero flick of this same vintage? Then be sure to check out my video on the Shark Hunter. You'll find a link here on the screen. I'll meet you over there. Until next time, I'm Mike Bracken, aka the horror geek, bringing you all the splatter that matters.