Why Nobody Is Having Sex Anymore & Why It Matters — Dr Trish Leigh

Added: 2026-05-08

[00:00:00]There's a trend happening right now. Fewer  people are having sex. And most explanations, they sound like this. Dating is harder. People  are more anxious. Relationships, they are more complicated. But that is not the real reason. The  real reason is happening in your brain. This video is brought to you by my Harper Collins published  book, Mind Over Explicit Matter. If you're ready to quit porn and reclaim your life mentally and  physically, go over to drtchishleigh.com/book.

[00:00:40]So, here's the hijack. Your brain doesn't  actually know the difference between real connection and simulated connection.  So when you're watching sexual content, the same networks activate as during real  intimacy. So from a brain's perspective, something already happened. So your brain starts  doing something subtle. You think about it, maybe texting her or maybe making a move, starting the  conversation, actually being present. And there's a moment where you could, but then something  else shows up. I'll do it later. I'm tired.

[00:01:23]Not tonight. And almost without thinking, you  reach for your phone. Because there's something easier. No pressure, no risk, no chance of getting  it wrong. And in that moment, it doesn't feel like you're making the wrong choice. It just feels  like you're choosing easier. It's just easier not to. It's like standing in front of a stairs and an  escalator. You know the stairs are better for you, but the escalator, it's right there. It's easier.  And the more you repeat that, the more your brain starts choosing the escalator for you. So, here's  a client of mine. Let's call him Michael. He's young. His brain is in the strain brain and drain  brain pattern from years of pornography use. He's had one partner in his life and he is interested,  but it feels like a lot of work to get out there.

[00:02:22]He doesn't want to be rejected. This is happening  to millions of people all over the world. And it's not because they don't want connection. Most  people do. But over time, something starts to change. Not in what you want, but in what your  brain expects. When the need is met artificially, your brain stops pushing you toward the real  thing. It starts to settle, lowering the drive, lowering the urgency, lowering the natural pull to  connect with another human being. That, my friend, is the hijacker. Not in the moment of choice,  but in the pattern that follows. It reshapes what feels necessary. So, it's not that you  decided not to try. It's that your brain stopped asking you to. And that's when the drive to pursue  connection starts to fade. There's a word for what happens next. Sedation. After high stimulation,  your brain doesn't just feel satisfied, it feels downshifted. Dopamine drops. Prolactin rises. the  system slows and in that state energy goes down, motivation goes down and drive goes down too. Not  temporarily but predictably. And when the brain repeats that pattern over and over, your brain  adapts to it. So instead of returning to baseline, that lower state starts to become your baseline.  There's actually data behind this that supports it. Researchers like Deborah So have been calling  attention to a growing trend. Fewer people, especially younger adults, are having sex,  real life sex. In her work, she points to the role of technology, porn, and digital  substitutes in reshaping how people meet their needs. And the data supports it. Right now, about  1 in three young men report no sexual activity with a partner in the past year. And that number  has been rising. So, this isn't just about dating being harder or people being more anxious.  It's not just a cultural shift on the surface.

[00:04:44]Something deeper is happening. Because when  you look at it through a neuroscience lens, what you start to see is that this isn't just a  drop in behavior, it's a shift in what the brain, people's brains are being trained to pursue.  You're not driven, you're not seeking, you're not moving forward. Your brain is designed to seek, to  pursue, engage, and connect. That drive comes from a healthy balance between beta and alpha brain  activity. But when that system gets replaced, something shifts. Seeking turns into scrolling  instead of activating in a focus purposeful way.

[00:05:30]Your brain starts cycling, spiking high beta, then  dropping into low alpha. Strain and then drain.

[00:05:39]So instead of building something, you consume  something and over time your brain adapts to that pattern, making it harder to convert energy into  real action or connection. This is the part that people don't see. If your brain doesn't need to  pursue, it stops. It stops building anything real because connection isn't automatic. It's built  through effort, attention, and through showing up consistently. And when that part goes, nothing  replaces it. But I want you to know this isn't permanent because your brain is always adapting.  If it is a learned pattern, then guess what? You can unlearn it and you can actually see the shift  happen. On one side, the system is disregulated, spikes, crashes in a lowered baseline. That's what  overstimulation does. It suppresses sensitivity.

[00:06:36]But when the input changes, when stimulation goes  down, the pattern starts to shift, the spikes come, the crashes soften, and the system begins to  stabilize. And what you're seeing isn't something new. It's something restored. Sensitivity comes  back online. Drive comes back online. And over time, your brain recalibrates upward. You're  not rebuilding from scratch. You're recovering what was suppressed. And this is where neuro  feedback changes everything because awareness is not enough for most people. You can understand the  pattern and still feel stuck in it. Neuro feedback actually trains your brain out of that state. It  works by showing your brain its own activity in real time and reinforcing more regulated patterns.  So instead of staying in those spikes and deep crashes, your brain starts to stabilize. You can  see on the graph that here the purple line is coming down and evening out. You can see that high  beta is reducing and alpha is coming back online.

[00:07:56]The system is learning how to stay regulated  instead of cycling. And when that happens, something more important shifts. You don't have to  force connection anymore. Real intimacy starts to feel different. It's not flat and it's not forced.  It's not something you have to think your way into. The reward system reconnects to realworld  experiences instead of artificial ones. So it's not just that the pattern breaks, it's that the  brain relearns how to experience connection in a real way. And this is what we actually see on  brain maps. As that shift happens, the high beta activity, the strain state, it starts to come  down. Alpha begins to come back online, which supports calm, stable regulation. And instead of  chaotic spikes and drops, the brain becomes more balanced and consistent. You're not bouncing  between overstimulation and depletion anymore.

[00:09:01]The system stabilizes, and that's where things  start to feel different. Not just mentally, but in how you engage, how you focus, and how  you connect. If you want to start shifting this, the most effective place to begin isn't the  behavior. It's your input because the pattern doesn't start with what you do. It starts  with what your brain is exposed to all day long. So for the next seven days, you're going to  do this very intentionally. When you're scrolling, pay attention to what hooks you. Not just what  you watch, but what makes you pause, what makes you look a second time, what starts to pull your  attention deeper. And the moment you notice that, don't engage with it. Hold the video. Tap not  interested. Mute the account. Skip it immediately.

[00:09:59]Don't let your brain complete the loop. Then  actively replace it. Search for something that builds you. Training, skills, business,  fitness, learning, motivation, realworld goals, not passive content. something that requires  focus. Because what you're doing here isn't just cleaning up your feed. You're retraining your  brain on what to respond to. You're teaching it.

[00:10:26]And this is where things start to feel  different in a real tangible way. When your brain is rewired, you don't have to force desire  anymore. It's not something you have to think your way into or perform. Your brain literally  becomes responsive again. Attraction isn't flat.

[00:10:45]It's present. You feel it. And more importantly,  you can stay with it. Instead of needing constant stimulation or novelty, your system responds to  real, deep, true connection. Eye contact holds.

[00:11:02]Touch feels engaging again. You're not distracted.  You're not checking out. You're actually there.

[00:11:07]And that changes everything because sex stops  being something you chase or compensate for and instead it starts becoming something that  happens naturally for you an experience when your brain is regulated. If you want to understand  your brain and bring your drive back online, please go over to drtchishlee.com because  this isn't about sex. It's actually about self-control. So, I want you to remember, control  your brain or in fact, it will control you.