The Autistic Alchemist & the Periodic Table of Regrets [Stream Highlights]

Added: 2026-05-23

[00:00:04]This program has been brought to you by Kamicazi Short Bus.

[00:00:07]>> Uh-oh. [ __ ] alert. [ __ ] alert class.

[00:00:20]What should we start with? Let me let me consult my grim war. Actually, you know, I know what we're gonna start with.

[00:00:26]We're going to do easy stuff first. This was this was an experiment we did um in fourth grade. Uh I don't remember what it was for or what it teaches you, but you get to make a cool sort of goopy substit witch. I love the season of Breaking Bad.

[00:00:50]That's what I would do if I had wizard powers. I would just make meth. I would I would make drugs and I would sell them to muggles.

[00:00:59]Okay, this is a pain in the ass. I forgot how much of a [ __ ] this is because of the consistency.

[00:01:07]Dude, just lit, dude. Just [ __ ] Okay, how am I supposed to actually do this?

[00:01:13]How did I do this when I was a child?

[00:01:15]How does this work?

[00:01:19]Ask Keith. Keith, you're you're not Get in the [ __ ] shot, dude. Come on. What do you think I pay you for? Free.

[00:01:27]>> Rub it on Keith's face.

[00:01:30]Keith, are you hungry? Are you hungry, my beautiful babe?

[00:01:41]Sorry, I'm I'm having too much fun with it now. The the texture is just cuz you can like you can hold it like it's a solid, but when you release it, it does this.

[00:01:52]Sorry, Auntie. I was playing Isaac and what the [ __ ] did I just walk in on?

[00:01:58]Keith wants it all over him. All right.

[00:02:01]Rightly grab it to my the best of my ability.

[00:02:08]I'm I'm okay. Come on. I have to like move fast with it. Well, I guess the whole point is for me to mess up my kitchen anyway.

[00:02:18]There you go.

[00:02:20]There you go, daddy. Isn't that nice?

[00:02:24]Isn't that nice? There you go.

[00:02:29]Not on the floor. What's my kitchen? I can make my floor all [ __ ] up if I want to.

[00:02:36]Get yourself a man that will that'll let you pour oobleck all over him.

[00:02:43]If a man doesn't let me pour oobleck come all over him, I don't [ __ ] want him. Okay. I I'm not a complicated woman. I should be able to just to just do this to a guy.

[00:02:58]He should come over to to to my house and I get to just I just I get to just do this.

[00:03:07]He's not allowed to touch it. Only I'm allowed to have fun. He has to watch. He can be my my little oobleck cup.

[00:03:23]Let me consult my grimoire. And by my grimoire, I mean my [ __ ] cellular device, cuz it's 2026. I think wizards can have cell phones.

[00:03:32]All right. 1/2 cup of hydrogen peroxide.

[00:03:41]I wonder if any of this stuff is carcinogenic.

[00:03:45]That would be a shame.

[00:03:47]Uh half cup pours pours cutely. Oo.

[00:03:57]Pours hydrogen peroxide cutely.

[00:04:01]Makes meth cutely. Is that too much? It is.

[00:04:05]I think that's contaminating if I pour it back in, but I don't give a [ __ ] There. We need to We need precise measurements for the potion.

[00:04:16]Um. All right. A big old squirt a dish soap into the bottle. Oh, wait. I have to put the bottle this [ __ ] in the bottle first. Okay. I can read.

[00:04:28]Don't tell me I don't know how to [ __ ] read. I can't do math. I can read fine. All right. Big old squirt.

[00:04:34]Y'all ready for this big old squirt?

[00:04:41]Well, >> all right. You ready for the big old squirt?

[00:04:52]I think that's big enough, right? Maybe a little more there.

[00:04:57]Big old squirt. Wizard squirt. Yeah, they won't they won't teach you that one at Hog Hogwarts cuz like you know there's only a finite amount of death jobs at the Ministry of Magic. You've got to have at least a few wizarding prostitutes.

[00:05:14]That's got to be a real thing.

[00:05:17]If you've ever like uh read uh interviews with JK Rowling and you ask her weird questions like that, she'll come up with an answer and it's it's not a good answer. I think there was one about like somebody asked her about wizards and going to the bathroom >> and and her answer was uh wizards didn't used to use regular muggle bathrooms.

[00:05:40]What they would do instead is that they would uh magic away the turds from out of their bodies. Uh but uh matter can neither be created nor destroyed as in as is the same in the real world as it is in the magic world. So they would actually They they would whisk the poo into like a special poo dimension with the magic spell. So, uh yeah, there's like a pocket dimension allegedly with nothing but wizard turds uh stacking up infinitely. I think that would be also a cool spell I would invent is as a dark wizard. Um I would whisk my enemies into the poo dimension.

[00:06:21]>> I would keep them there for thousands of years.

[00:06:24]Uh, one tablespoon of yeast.

[00:06:30]Stuff smells like Cheerios, in case you're wondering.

[00:06:34]Um, that's that's actually number the number one thing you should never do with ingredients in a real science kitchen. You're never supposed to just do this. You're never supposed to just smell them.

[00:06:45]>> I like doing that because I'm a [ __ ] This is a tablespoon. All right. I'm so ready to yeast it up.

[00:06:53]How yeasty can we get? All right. Um, we're ready. I guess we pour this in now. I feel like we should come up with like a little incantation for this.

[00:07:04]Let's see. Let's think of an incantation to make it more magical.

[00:07:09]Uh, I have new scale of crocodile.

[00:07:17]Everyone in the US government is a [ __ ] pedophile.

[00:07:23]Let's go.

[00:07:26]Yay! We did it.

[00:07:30]That was so underwhelming.

[00:07:34]Yay!

[00:07:36]We did it.

[00:07:38]Put some on Keith. All right, if you say so.

[00:07:43]Is this edible? No, cuz there's soap in it. It's not technically edible, but look at him.

[00:07:49]We could give him like a little foam haircut. I think he would like that.

[00:07:56]He's bald.

[00:08:02]Oh, yeah. He's so beautiful and perfect.

[00:08:06]My perfect bae.

[00:08:08]Yeah.

[00:08:15]If only you guys could see the the raw amount of [ __ ] on my floor. I think you would be very proud of me for my my epic load. My epic Redditor load.

[00:08:28]My wife's boyfriend would love my huge epic load.

[00:08:32]>> It's time for I just bought a motorcycle. How long until I die? See, now there is a tarot card question worthy communicating with uh the the creatures from beyond the veil.

[00:08:52]When will you die in a motorcycle accident?

[00:08:56]How will you die in a motorcycle accident?

[00:09:00]What part of your body will be impaled?

[00:09:02]That's actually how one of my uncles died. I think I was like 10 years old.

[00:09:06]Uh he was, for the record, he was also high on weed. But that also goes to tell you uh goes to show you that you shouldn't uh smoke and drive. A lot of people say, especially [ __ ] Southern California, like, bro, I can totally uh I can totally drive a vehicle while I'm I'm super high on on this epic uh strain, bro. It's it's totally fine. I'm totally lucid. I'm like, no, bro. You're [ __ ] stupid. Your your senses are doled. Uh, if you go driving or riding a [ __ ] motorcycle, Walla, you're a [ __ ] idiot. My uncle uh took a took a fat [ __ ] rip of of of the weed of the devil's lettuce. Um, and then he got on his motorcycle to go to work. Um, and then he crashed. Uh, he flung over um I don't know where where he flung exactly. I I was like 10. This happened a long time ago. Um, but he impaled himself on I believe a street sign. Went right into his [ __ ] heart and he [ __ ] died. Bro, don't do that [ __ ] You're so stupid. Don't risk that. You don't need to be high to go on a drive.

[00:10:16]Okay.

[00:10:18]All right. Motorcycle.

[00:10:21]One, two, three.

[00:10:25]>> Okay. So, we got Queen of Swords. Uh, what is this?

[00:10:31]10 of wands and the hermit.

[00:10:35]>> You need to leave.

[00:10:36]>> You're you're that's that's you getting impaled with a [ __ ] sword. Um you're you're going to be you're going to be driving on your motorcycle and you're going to be distracted, right? You're going to see a hot lady in a vehicle next to you and you're going to like be like, "Damn, that [ __ ] got some tits on her." Um and then uh you're going to flund yourself into a ravine and you're going to get uh impaled. Um, but that's not all. You're going to get pald and it's going to be non-lethal damage >> and then you're going to keep flying a little bit. You're going to be you're going to be tumbling in the air um through your your first impalement only to be impaled 10 more times.

[00:11:16]Um, and then uh and then you're going to you're going to die alone. You're going to die alone in that ravine. Um, they're not going to find your body for several weeks. Um uh as as for when this will happen, um it's going to happen.

[00:11:32]>> It's going to happen in like a month.

[00:11:33]The spirits are telling me that it's going to happen next month. Um and if you don't want that to happen, you should not ride a motorcycle cuz like what's the point? Why would you do that?

[00:11:42]It's It's so stupid.

[00:11:45]Oh yeah. Will your Discord kitten cheat on you?

[00:11:55]Yes.

[00:11:57]So, you got a you got a uh was it I don't know how they do Roman numerals, but there's a lot of [ __ ] swords here. Usually, sword cards are bad regardless of if they're reversed or um upright. Um so, that's you. You're blindfolded. You're blind to the fact that your Discord kitten is cheating on you with one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, eight dudes. She's uh she's got several um Discord mods uh in the palm of her hand. Uh a couple of them are pay pigs. They're buying her uh gifts on Steam. They're sending her riot points. They're buying her skins on Roblox. You're just one of many uh pay pigs um that she is manipulating. So, you should uh you should uh dump that [ __ ] immediately.

[00:12:43]>> Don't try this.

[00:12:48]>> Oh.

[00:12:49]Oh, yeah.

[00:12:53]I feel like I should get protective armor, too. This is really scary.

[00:12:58]>> Um, crying. That'll work with I got my [ __ ] glasses on. I got my armor on so it doesn't hit my [ __ ] heart. And then we're going to flip it over. So now the the Alka-Seltzer is in contact with the water. Oh, that one [ __ ] up. That one didn't. That one's going to explode any second now.

[00:13:24]>> Oh, man. That wasn't enough. This was way scarier before. What the [ __ ] I didn't seal it enough. [ __ ] Now we have to do it over.

[00:13:35]Okay, one more time. One more [ __ ] time.

[00:13:45]God, >> WHAT THE [ __ ] I tried this earlier and it almost [ __ ] killed me. What the hell, man?

[00:13:55]See what happens when you have a premature um explosion? Everybody's disappointed. I was so disappointing right now. I was way scarier earlier. I almost [ __ ] put an eye out when I tried this before.

[00:14:09]You know what sucks about scientists?

[00:14:13]Um you don't really make money doing that. all this cool [ __ ] and uh the best you can do is uh you probably end up going to work for Loheed Martin. And all of your uh scientific research goes to finding the most effective weapon for blowing up brown children in a third world country. And um when you discover something that's noteworthy, uh the CIA kill CIA just kills you. like those like 14 scientists I believe that are currently uh mysteriously missing or um have died um from SUICIDE ALLEGEDLY.

[00:14:50]>> FBI, OPEN UP.

[00:14:53]>> Um yeah, I I well I trust I trust the FBI. They have my best interest at heart, so everything they say must be true.

[00:15:02]>> Remember when the Boeing thing happened and the Boeing whistleblower was killed?

[00:15:08]That's what I'm talking about, man.

[00:15:13]That's plenty flot. It's lots.

[00:15:18]All right. All right. Seal it.

[00:15:27][ __ ] Okay.

[00:15:39]That's definitely more taut than before.

[00:15:46]Watch it expand. Look at that. Look at that. Doesn't that make you like so horny? Watching it get all thick. Pyro Cynical would love this.

[00:15:56]Oh, I think there's a hole in it. [ __ ] Be a lot cooler if there wasn't a hole.

[00:16:03]There we go.

[00:16:07]Oh, wow. Now, yeah, that that that's what I'm talking about.

[00:16:13]The goggles. I don't need the goggles for this.

[00:16:18]Shake. Oh, off the fingers.

[00:16:33]There's a hole in it on accident. Look at that.

[00:16:36]See, this is this is Oh, the [ __ ] was that? Oh, it hit an Alka-Seltzer.

[00:16:44]See, this is this is the kind of this is the kind of man the ladies want.

[00:16:47]Somebody who just like they can't stop.

[00:16:49]It's like a geyser. A me and your mom.

[00:16:53]Piggy. Piggy. What am I supposed to do with this now? It's just It's just getting everywhere.

[00:17:04]10 out of 10 content. You're welcome.

[00:17:06]Shooting ropes.

[00:17:08]Yeah, that's what happens um when you go on r/ No, not r/ rule 34. Is there an r/ule? I think I just meant like the regular rule 34 website and you look up uh what's that hamburger guy from the McDonald's universe? That's that's where I get my [ __ ] rocks off.

[00:17:27]I'm really into the the hamburger pop um from McDonald's. There's not there's a very um scant amount of content. I think somebody needs to make more for me specifically.

[00:17:41]No, not the hamburger. The cop. Not the hamburger. He's just like a regular guy.

[00:17:46]I mean the guy with like a hamburger for a head. That's what I'm talking about.

[00:17:50]That's what gets me going.

[00:17:52]Toss it in your coffin after popping.

[00:17:55]>> [ __ ] Oh my god.

[00:18:00]Well, there's the mess I wanted. I guess I probably should not have done this in this dress. Actually, oh god.

[00:18:14]Thankfully, it wasn't the hydrogen peroxide that happened with this particular experiment cuz I don't want to like bleach this dress.

[00:18:23]It's not my only dress. I have more of them. Okay, do it again. You didn't share with Keith's being too greedy. He's already full of [ __ ] All right, leave some [ __ ] for the rest of us, Keith.

[00:18:40]Look at that. It's all over my [ __ ] dress.

[00:18:44]Where did my paper towels go? OH, >> WHERE'S THE PAPER TOWELS?

[00:18:56]Microwave in the back looks hungry. I think it wants the monster can. You know what it wants? I think it wants I think it wants marshmallow peeps. Actually, sometimes it really does damn bones.

[00:19:12]We're gonna put Peeps in the microwave because we can.

[00:19:18]I got the bunny ones because they're cuter than the little chickens.

[00:19:23]Then we're going to we're going to ruin them. We're going to blow out their little pee [ __ ] in the microwave.

[00:19:34]Move over there.

[00:19:46]Now you can now you can make them bigger. If you were like really hungry before, you can actually maximize the amount of food by expanding them.

[00:19:54]That's how it works. If food bigger, that means more food, obviously. So, you can actually end world hunger. Uh the the US government is actually going to kill me for this for this new discovery that um you can actually just make food bigger in the microwave to feed more people. Um so if if I don't stream next week, it's because the government has um assassinated me for um solving world hunger.

[00:20:18]Hold that domain expansion my commands.

[00:20:38]Is that nice enough? Says it nicely.

[00:20:41]Okay. Very good. Very nice.

[00:20:47]I can't wait for the part where I get to blow. I love blowing.

[00:20:52]I feel like the song this song is a little long for this.

[00:20:57]We should stretch up the foreskin more.

[00:21:04]I'm glad I'm not a man and I'm not circumcised. That sounds like it sucks really bad. All right, we're dipping.

[00:21:10]We're dipping it. It's almost time to blow, you guys. I love blowing.

[00:21:15]Is that too much? Should I like milk it like it's an udder? Cuz it's drippy.

[00:21:21]The grip grippy sock. That's That's That's the experiment is just get Shut up. Shut your horror, Boris. I'm busy doing science. Pull the sock tight, [ __ ] face. Oh, you got to pull pull it back.

[00:21:34]Well, it's a long sock.

[00:21:37]You might have to use a different sock for this cuz this one's [ __ ] This one's huge.

[00:21:44]Well, let's see. Let's see what happens.

[00:21:47]Let's [ __ ] blow into it.

[00:21:50]Oh [ __ ] I don't think that's what's supposed to happen.

[00:21:57]Let me get a smaller sock.

[00:22:00]Hold on.

[00:22:04]Boris, what do you want? Stay back. No, [ __ ] Stay back there. I can't close the door cuz then it'll body block the [ __ ] Wi-Fi and then I'll lose the stream.

[00:22:16]All right, let's try that again.

[00:22:20]You're just here to knock things over. I know you. It's your only [ __ ] thing you enjoy doing. All right, let's try that again. Drink, Boris.

[00:22:35]Don't Don't encourage him. He's very He's very impressionable boy. Please don't knock [ __ ] over.

[00:22:42]All right, I'm dipping it. We've dipped the sock again. Are you ready, Boris?

[00:22:48]Leave Keith alone.

[00:22:51]All right, it's time to blow.

[00:22:54]Is that it? It just makes bubbles.

[00:22:59]What was the food coloring for? It didn't change the color of the bubbles.

[00:23:12]Cool. We've made We've made another mess. We did it.

[00:23:20]We did it, Chad.

[00:23:22]He wants to help clean up Keith with a with a little tongue bath. I'm sure he does.

[00:23:30]Nice weird puke bubbles. It's It's pretty long. That's pretty cool. Hey, Boris, do you want this? Do you want some bubbles, dude?

[00:23:40]You want that soap? No.

[00:23:45]You don't like it? Then get out of my room.

[00:23:54]A little more. I'm trying.

[00:24:04]All all these all these experiments have been very um com adjacent.

[00:24:10]I should start in only fans, but it's just stupid [ __ ] like this. And I don't get naked at all. I just do weird science stuff in my kitchen. I think that would go I think that would go off nicely.

[00:24:29]Burn witch. Burn witch burn.

[00:24:36]Burn witch. Burn witch. Burn burn.

[00:24:44]We're just going to soak my hand in the solution for like a minute.

[00:24:48]Don't worry what we're doing. Don't worry about what we're doing.

[00:24:53]All right. You ready? I'm going to set my hand on fire.

[00:24:57]Um, yep. Don't do this one. It does hurt slightly, but it's kind of neat for like a second. That's why I have this other bucket of non bucket of non alcohol solution.

[00:25:12]Oh god. Are you ready?

[00:25:16]One.

[00:25:17]Two. I'm going to do a little finger so it's like a little finger. Three.

[00:25:24]Oh.

[00:25:26]Oh, thank [ __ ] No, it's supposed to be cooler than that. I got my whole fan to go up my whole hand to go up in flames um yesterday when I tried this out. It was actually pretty cool. It did It did hurt though, but like not enough.

[00:25:41]She doesn't burn. She's witch witchcraft.

[00:25:58]All right, let's see if you'll get a few pixels of flame this time.

[00:26:06]A one, a two, a three.

[00:26:12]Ow.

[00:26:18]I'm a fire bender. Magic is real. If you put your heart and soul into it, you can also do magic and it'll only hurt a little bit.

[00:26:32]See you next time. Bye-bye.

[00:26:35]I love you. Say it back.