What People Get Wrong About Orthodox Jewish Women

Ajouté : 2026-06-05

[00:00:00]- Does being an Orthodox Jewish woman limit my life?

[00:00:02]A lot of people think they already know the answer, that we are less than men, that religion narrows our world.

[00:00:08]It's a question I've wrestled with myself, especially now, when I'm about to graduate college and I'm standing on the edge of the rest of my life figuring out what I want to be and who I want to be.

[00:00:18]So, I sat down with other religious women from different communities and stages of life to talk about their lived experience, and to ask them, how does being an Orthodox woman shape us?

[00:00:31]Orthodoxy is rooted in the belief that the Torah is divine and that its laws are binding.

[00:00:35]What that looks like in practice varies more than people expect.

[00:00:38]I resist the term Modern Orthodox because everyone has their own definition, but as Jewish people, we have responsibility to the world around us and we have what to learn from it, too.

[00:00:47]Modern Orthodoxy tries to straddle two worlds without losing its balance.

[00:00:51]Like me, Alissa is Modern Orthodox, but she didn't start out that way.

[00:00:55]- I grew up in a reformed family.

[00:00:57]My mom is a reformed rabbi and cantor, my dad actually converted to Judaism.

[00:01:01]Growing up, my mom really gave us the energy and belief system that led me to an Orthodox life.

[00:01:07]The way that I thought about Hashem, related to God, related to mitzvot.

[00:01:11]For me, all of that, was actually very much Orthodox growing up in my family's context, and so, when I was on my own in college, I found myself most drawn and connected to the Orthodox community.

[00:01:21]- I grew up in a very Yeshivish home, like I grew up in a very potato kugel kind of house.

[00:01:25]- In Yeshivish spaces, rabbinic guidance is paramount and paths are often clearly laid out.

[00:01:30]Many men are raised to study in yeshivas.

[00:01:32]Women are often steered toward becoming breadwinners.

[00:01:35]Everyone is encouraged to marry young.

[00:01:36]Talia's life took a turn away from the world she grew up in.

[00:01:39]- I consider myself alt-odox. Bless my emo heart.

[00:01:43]- Did you create alt-odox? - I did, I did.

[00:01:44]Because if we're basing things on how a person looks, I don't look like the typical Modern Orthodox woman.

[00:01:49]Or rather, is there even a typical Modern Orthodox woman?

[00:01:52]- I don't think so. - Probably not.

[00:01:54]- It's become too diluted. - Right.

[00:01:56]- Talia's career as a fashion designer and stylist means she's often the only Orthodox person in the room, and she's never been afraid to embrace an unconventional look.

[00:02:04]- Hence the term alt-odox.

[00:02:06]- So there's one member currently.

[00:02:07]- I wish we wouldn't have to put ourselves into boxes.

[00:02:09]- I agree. - I don't like this.

[00:02:10]- 100%. - Is it useful? Sometimes.

[00:02:12]- No, it's useful for other people 'cause they wanna, like, fit you into something.

[00:02:15]- Right.

[00:02:16]- Who says, I wanna fit into something?

[00:02:18]- I don't use the term alt-odox because I don't want to be considered Modern Orthodox, I use it because I do feel like I live in an alternative lifestyle in terms of what a Jewish religious person might look like.

[00:02:32]- I grew up religious frum farfar girl, what they would call an ultra Orthodox, Hasidic.

[00:02:40]Hasidish, the way we would say it.

[00:02:41]- The word frum expresses a deep commitment to observing Halcha, or Jewish law.

[00:02:46]It's not just about what you do, but the spirit of it, how you fully live your Judaism.

[00:02:50]Hasidish communities pride themselves on being very firm.

[00:02:53]They're tightly structured around rabbinic dynasties with strict community norms and little room to drift.

[00:02:58]- I define myself as Hasidish, but again, like I said before, I don't like boxes, I don't like labels.

[00:03:03]I think it's to make other people comfortable.

[00:03:06]I think there's Judaism, there's the Torah, and then there's a bunch of people, and everyone has to take their path.

[00:03:11]We have a connection with Hashem, and our connection will look different according to our personalities.

[00:03:15]So, all this boxes and labeling, I just don't like it because within the same Ultra-Orthodox, Modern Orthodox, Litvish, Hasidish, there's gonna be all types.

[00:03:24]And this is my pet peeve, by the way, about being a Hasidish woman that's out there, is getting stuff like, oh, you're so normal.

[00:03:30]Why wouldn't I be normal, you know? Excuse me.

[00:03:32]Excuse me.

[00:03:33]If you see some fanatic Jew on television banging his head on the wall or just saying crazy stuff that's not what Hasidim are all about.

[00:03:42]- Most Hasidish communities prefer to engage as little as possible with the secular world.

[00:03:47]Rifka's branch of Hasidut called Chabad Lubavitch actively embraces it.

[00:03:51]Chabad emissaries live around the globe to help bring other Jews closer to their heritage.

[00:03:55]- I believe we are the only Jews on our block, so growing up without a community around me of other religious Jews like me, frum, did feel isolating.

[00:04:04]We built for ourselves a community where we felt supported and loved by the people, even though we were not in the classic community.

[00:04:11]- As we shared our stories, one question kept surfacing, what were we taught about who we're supposed to be?

[00:04:17]In Raizy's world, success had a very specific image.

[00:04:20]- It's interesting, a lot of us, when we thinking what would we wanna be growing up?

[00:04:23]The home was everything, so, we look up at like the Balabustas, which means, like, the really good homemakers that have it, like, all together.

[00:04:32]- For a long time, Raizy was the perfect Balabusta, but she wanted more than just her own kitchen, so, 10 years ago she broke one of her community's unwritten rules, she went online.

[00:04:42]- So super excited to announce our new show, "Gourmet Glatting with Raizy."

[00:04:47]Lemony and crunchy.

[00:04:48]This dish is really amazing.

[00:04:50]- Did you ever experience any sort of tension between being an influencer and being a Hasidish woman?

[00:04:55]- Definitely very unconventional what I was doing and what I still am doing.

[00:04:59]Tiny drop more popular for Hasidish women to be online, but still not so much.

[00:05:04]A lot of people have different fears about what's gonna be, you know, for the school, their children, oh, it's complicated.

[00:05:10]At the beginning- - The school judge you?

[00:05:12]Like the, school like- - Schools don't want you to have internet access at all.

[00:05:14]So, if you're posting online- - Well, then how are they supposed to know about it if they don't have internet access?

[00:05:19]- They have their- - No, of course.

[00:05:20]- They have their ways.

[00:05:21]Those people didn't have access on Instagram, so I felt very safe.

[00:05:25]I was with with people on Instagram and they're fine with it, right?

[00:05:27]And then slowly as the time went by, more and more people, even though they would say that they don't have access, they did, and they started watching.

[00:05:35]And that's maybe when they would like, be like, what's she doing?

[00:05:38]And then I sort of proved myself, I feel like, to the people that didn't get it and I think it took some time for the people to come around and see what it is.

[00:05:45]It's a serious, it's not a joke, it's not some girl like looking for attention or being rebellious.

[00:05:49]This is me. I just, I I've always been out of the box, even in school.

[00:05:52]- What started as homemaking inspiration turned into something much bigger.

[00:05:56]- You know, when I started out I was a recipe developer.

[00:05:59]My first two books were cookbooks.

[00:06:01]It was about preparing delicious food for Shabbos and I wanted to share with women how to arrive for Shabbos like a queen, you know, because a lot of women, in my community, I found that were very like martyrs.

[00:06:11]They would like work so hard.

[00:06:12]And Shabbas finally came and they prepared this whole big feast that everything is clean as if like the president is coming literally because the Shabbos is queen is coming to your house.

[00:06:20]I wanted to bring in the other aspects of like, you should arrive like a queen as well, you know?

[00:06:25]So, how to take care, self-care, stuff like that.

[00:06:27]And then slowly as I grew as a person, I learned that what makes a woman a really good wife or a really good mother is not just about knowing how to make the best fish or the best cake or the best challah.

[00:06:39]There were so many other things.

[00:06:40]I went through my own self-growth and learned how to change my beliefs and how to be more my feminine and how to learn and fill up my brain with good stuff so that I'm not constantly like looking for, like validation or appreciation or whatever it is.

[00:06:53]- Was that not obvious from the way.

[00:06:55]- No, it was not obvious because nobody spoke about this stuff.

[00:06:58]When I started learning all these other stuff, that's what I started sharing, and that's what inspired living's all about, that's what my book of "The Anatomy of a Yenta" is about.

[00:07:04]This cooking and this hosting and this dressing your kids perfectly is not gonna fill you up.

[00:07:08]We need more, our soul needs more.

[00:07:10]We need to feel connected.

[00:07:11]So, I started bringing all those conversations to the forefront.

[00:07:13]- In Raizy's world going online wasn't just unusual.

[00:07:17]It risked real social consequences, but Orthodoxy isn't a monolith.

[00:07:20]What feels radical in one community barely registers in another.

[00:07:24]So, what were the rest of us told about our place as women?

[00:07:27]- Even though I grew up in a pretty like strict home, there was never like a a difference of, oh, because you're a girl, you can't do this or only your brothers are gonna be able to do that.

[00:07:37]We grew up with, you do the work, you become what you want to be.

[00:07:40]- The point of view that Chabad really tries to stress, my parents stressed a lot is that there is no difference, we are all equal.

[00:07:45]There is no, you can't do this, you can't do this.

[00:07:47]You wanna be a doctor, be a doctor, you wanna be an astronaut, go ahead.

[00:07:50]Like obviously it won't be easy.

[00:07:52]It's possible in a way, my mom's like not stopping you.

[00:07:55]You have a chance to do it.

[00:07:56]You can succeed in everything that you want.

[00:07:58]- I would not say that there is no difference between the roles of men and women in Judaism.

[00:08:02]I think that's, it's very important that yes, equal, but the roles are meant to compliment each other, but they're different.

[00:08:09]- I agree. Yes, there are obvious differences.

[00:08:11]Like when someone comes to the door knocking, they need 10 men for a thing or they need, they need a kohen for a minyan, I can't go do that.

[00:08:19]- I think for like all, quite like, we can do any occupation we want, like she's a rabbanit, like she is a woman that is a spiritual leader doesn't mean she is a rabbi with a beard.

[00:08:29]- Alyssa is a rabbanit or spiritual leader at a Modern Orthodox synagogue working in tandem with a male rabbi.

[00:08:35]They're co-equal leaders who provide pastoral care, give answers about Jewish law and delivers sermons and classes.

[00:08:40]Her role exposes attention Modern Orthodoxy grapples with.

[00:08:43]women are often told they can have it all when it comes to secular accomplishments, higher education, careers, the C-suite.

[00:08:50]But, in religious leadership, the boundaries are still being defined.

[00:08:54]And even where women lead certain lines remain in place.

[00:08:57]- I don't count in a minyan, I don't daven from the ammud, I don't lead things, I don't count toward the service in the way that men do.

[00:09:04]We're very specific in how, what role a woman has in those ways.

[00:09:10]And there was a time where I tried really hard to daven to pray shacharit, mincha, maariv with a minyan, and it was extremely hard.

[00:09:21]It was also a time in my life when I didn't have children.

[00:09:25]And, now that I have children, I can see the difference in what that looks like for me.

[00:09:31]Having more flexibility where I, I don't have to be praying with a minyan actually is something that's positive and not something that's exclusionary.

[00:09:41]In order to be a female leader, we don't have to take on male responsibilities in addition.

[00:09:46]But, I think, especially when we're talking about equality, I've learned I think over the years that there's wisdom in embracing who we are.

[00:09:55]- Have you encountered anything that would frustrate you in terms of how women are perceived in Judaism or how people interact with women as leaders in Judaism?

[00:10:03]- I'm not so much of a frustrated person though, everyone has anger within them at times, but, I think, maybe what, how I would frame it for myself is the obstacle that I come up against.

[00:10:13]My love of Hashem manifesting in a way of being someone who's a leader within the Jewish community can sometimes be perceived as trying to undermine Orthodoxy or trying to undermine Halachic values.

[00:10:25]And that couldn't be farther from the truth in terms of how I genuinely come to this work.

[00:10:31]You at the very beginning had mentioned that some people will look at you and be like, oh, like you're normal, I didn't see that coming.

[00:10:38]And I will get I you look like me, I didn't expect to like you.

[00:10:42]- What did they expect?

[00:10:43]- Someone who's like destroying Judaism.

[00:10:47]- You're not?

[00:10:48]- As a woman rabbanit.

[00:10:49]- Yes. Yeah.

[00:10:50]- I have some really big questions I wanna ask these kind of people that like, think that their way is the only way.

[00:10:55]Certain rabbis might, yes, want to tell a woman what she can't do, what she can't do, where she can't appear, where she can't appear, and they can't, they're losing control, like you can't anymore.

[00:11:03]Like women are rising into their power, Mashiach is gonna come from the feminine energy.

[00:11:07]You can't shut us down and we're seeing it all over.

[00:11:09]This is the energy. Nobody could fight it.

[00:11:11]- The religious world usually rewards conformity.

[00:11:14]So, when you're taking the road less traveled, you have to figure out for yourself how to weigh what you want against what your values demand.

[00:11:22]Ambition versus tradition.

[00:11:25]Even if we understand what role we play in Orthodoxy, sometimes we still have to ask ourselves, what role does Orthodoxy play in us?

[00:11:33]- Do you see any contradictions between working in the fashion industry and being observant?

[00:11:38]- Yes, I do.

[00:11:40]Number one being, because I am a costumer and I do wardrobe styling for commercials and for film and television.

[00:11:46]I am more often than not dressing women in clothing that I would not necessarily wear.

[00:11:51]I'm also a bridal designer and I have designed gowns that I would not wear.

[00:11:56]Even though I may not dress a certain way.

[00:11:58]I don't think that that should limit me from designing what I wanna design.

[00:12:02]Maybe I'm living vicariously through people that I'm styling.

[00:12:05]Maybe I am creating looks that I would've loved to wear, but I don't wear and I put it on someone else.

[00:12:10]Also, I am dressing the person based off of what the client wants me to dress them in.

[00:12:15]Modesty, it should not just be based off of what someone wears, it should be based off of who you are as a person as well.

[00:12:21]And that's probably the number one contradictory thing.

[00:12:24]- I have thought about, if me being a religious woman has stopped me from pursuing a certain career.

[00:12:30]- Rifka is in high school, she's just starting to imagine her future and what, if anything, might stand in her way.

[00:12:37]- I don't need to put my life on hold.

[00:12:39]I don't need to stop because I am religious.

[00:12:41]I am frum, an observant Jew, I can do both.

[00:12:44]- It's crazy because being an observant Jew has never even, it's not even a question of whether I would, it's just, it is just who I am.

[00:12:51]And so it's never been a source of resentment at all.

[00:12:55]The question has been how do I integrate the things that are also a part of who I am into that life of mine, which is obviously going to be Torah-oriented.

[00:13:03]It's just an element that I'm still working out how to balance, which is I'm a singer, I'm an actress.

[00:13:09]To be a musician and a singer and to have my own albums, those are not gonna be the songs that are played at the Jewish weddings, no one's gonna be dancing to my voice at a bar mitzvah.

[00:13:18]There's a concept in Jewish law called Kol Ishah that limits when and if men can listen to women singing.

[00:13:24]So, many Orthodox female artists won't perform in front of mixed audiences.

[00:13:28]Their albums aren't played at Jewish events with men present.

[00:13:31]They'd never open for someone like Taylor Swift or be on Broadway.

[00:13:34]Kol Ishah can feel like an invisible ceiling.

[00:13:36]If I hadn't been raised observant, then maybe I would've, I don't know, ended up on Broadway.

[00:13:41]It's a very self-aggrandizing thing to think.

[00:13:43]- Nobody's holding you back.

[00:13:44]I'm saying I feel like if you want something bad enough, I don't think Hashem put us in a world where a talent to sing and then put us in a cage and to torture us.

[00:13:52]Everything in this world, Hashem put around, not just to tease us and to just make us jealous and just make us crave things, but you can't have it, no.

[00:13:59]Everything in this world, fashion, it's for a woman to beautify herself and to be like a queen and everything used in the right way.

[00:14:06]And the same thing with social media.

[00:14:07]I think the question we really have to ask, who is leading your life?

[00:14:10]Is it like these community figures? Is it your rabbi?

[00:14:14]Is it this institution? Is it your daughter's school?

[00:14:17]Is it your job, your husband, or is it God?

[00:14:20]- We are all navigating a system, sometimes embracing it, sometimes pushing back on it, occasionally, defying expectations or exploring a new way to define ourselves while still in relationship with something bigger.

[00:14:33]At times, Orthodoxy asks us to give something up in how we express our spirituality, our personalities, and our talents.

[00:14:39]For some of us that struggle is real, but even those hard moments are underpinned by a deep sense of pride in our tradition and heritage.

[00:14:46]We are all on a journey to find within ourselves the people we are meant to be because of our observance, not in spite of it.