I am messed up and suffering (it does not matter)

Added: 2026-05-15

[00:00:02]I was doing my chiropractic gig the other day. I work at a clinic where the chiropractor pays my little company for me to come in and treat patients. Treat patients. Treat patients. Treat patients. That way he doesn't have to be there and I knock it out and get along with his staff and keep the morale high.

[00:00:24]Right. I'm a mercenary contractor. Well, the schedule and chiropractic clinics love to do this 9 to 12 and then there's a 3-hour break and then 3 to 6. Let the morning crowd come in. Let the evening crowd come in.

[00:00:40]And from 12:00 to 3, what I do is I basically rest. It's my time to rest.

[00:00:48]I'm pretty far away from my house working at this clinic, so there's no point. I don't care to go out and eat lunch. I either bring food or I'm just not hungry. So, I really use that time to rest. And it's fun because his clinic has roller tables and some fun amenities that I can use to treat myself to feel better. So, I say all this because I'm laying on the roller table. I just knocked out three hours, treated patients, all that good stuff. I'm exhausted.

[00:01:20]Every day of mine starts at 5:30 with eyeing down getting two kids ready and getting them where they need to be. So, I'm always just perpetually exhausted.

[00:01:31]That's fine. It's the season of my life doing my duty. I should be dead. I'm grateful you can still be alive.

[00:01:39]I'm laying on this roller table. It's 12:00. I just want to lay there, have my back rolled out. And his front desk employee, she's young, she's 23, she's talking to me. And first she's like, "Hey, is it okay if I leave at this time today?

[00:02:04]My sister's having a baby. I'm going to go see the baby. It's a big like family thing."

[00:02:10]First, I'm like, "Tell the owner that you're leaving."

[00:02:15]And then second, I'm like, "Yeah, that's fine. Get out of here. That's cool. I'll go get the patients. Don't expect me to do any of like the computer work or anything like that."

[00:02:27]So, we talk about that. It should be like a two-minute conversation. And she continues like standing there and talking to me. And, you know, I get it.

[00:02:39]I think that there's no accidents and there's just times when it all just comes together and somebody's looking for something and you're the one who gives that to them.

[00:02:56]Not sure if that was the case here, but because she like wasn't going away and she kept like talking to me, I basically went off on an epic rant because what I was discerning from her is she was, [panting] okay, her sister's having a baby. She's going to go be an aunt. She's 23. She has no relationship herself. She has no kids herself. She's working at a chiropractic clinic. Good on her. She lives in an apartment complex that's owned by her grandparents. She comes from a big LDS family.

[00:03:41]All these things, right, I know about her and things that she was like alluding to a little bit as she's just standing there. And this young lady, she's always had this like look of pain and suffering in her eyes. You wouldn't know it if you didn't have experience in looking into hundreds of thousands of people's eyes.

[00:04:04]Everybody's giving me a hard time cuz in a video where I was talking about how I lost all my money, literally talking about losing $200,000, I'm in pain. And so I'm saying hundreds and thousands of dollars. And that's what people critique. It's like I was in pain talking about that. Forgive me. But that's good. Speaking properly is important. I was saying hundreds and thousands of dollars. That would just mean hundreds, right? And thousands of dollars. If you lose $200,000, you lose hundreds of thousands of dollars. Okay.

[00:04:37]Thank you. Thank you for keeping me accountable for that. So, those ducks, they belong in the pot. I swear, a niece gave them to me and I'm taking care of them. And now I've had them for months and no one cares if they live or die. And yet, there's something graceful about keeping them alive. Like, they should just be harvested, slaughtered, and eaten, but every day goes by that I keep them alive, I feel like there's some kind of mercy and grace involved in that.

[00:05:10]So after talking with hundreds of thousands of people, I can look into somebody's eyes, especially because I've been through a lot of suffering myself.

[00:05:22]We all have. To live is to suffer. I'm very aware of the suffering. I reflect on the suffering. I deep dive into the suffering. And I can see it in others.

[00:05:35]And I've looked into this young lady's eyes. Even though I've only known her a few weeks and just worked there once a week, when I look into her eyes, I see a deep pain and suffering. And here she is. She's standing there. She won't stop talking to me. I know what she's all about. I know that there's some tension in the universe and it's just time for an epic rant. And I went off. And when I say I went off, I mean not in any kind of anger or the emotion was pure passion and as sincere as I could possibly be with her.

[00:06:10]And I told her when I was her age, 23 years old, I basically, even long before that, decided I was going to go hard and throw everything I had into life and get after it and shoot for the stars and be ridiculous and be absurd and be audacious. ious.

[00:06:42]And what I told her is that 99% of my life has been absolute failure. I went as hard as I could in the Marine Corps.

[00:06:53]Starting at everything I do, I go as hard as I can.

[00:06:58]whether it's good or bad. I went to college after high school and I did nothing but hang out with girls and play video games and go snowboarding and smoke pot. And I did it with everything I had. Everything I had. Just loser to the fullest extent.

[00:07:24]When I joined the Marine Corps right after, right? Everything I had. All out everything. When I decided to go U away from the Marine Corps, all out. I'm out of here. I'm going to go live off the grid. No one's ever going to hear from me again. I'm going to be nothing and nobody. Wild wanderer. All out.

[00:07:46]When I return to society, all out. Go back. Do my time. Take my punishment.

[00:07:54]Do my time in the brig. just there was never this blank expression on my face or this it's like I'm a very grateful guy because we're all chained to this body, this planet, this earth, this existence.

[00:08:22]We're chained to our family, to our responsibilities, to death, right? And yet, I've always had it in me that the deepest, deepest, deepest, whatever the deepest I can reach has had a certain sense of liberation.

[00:08:43]Liberated in that at the end of the day, I have a choice.

[00:08:49]And I've always used my choice for for me. It's always whatever I'm doing, it's because I'm doing it.

[00:09:00]I'm choosing to do it.

[00:09:03]And especially now because now I'm living a life of I'm essentially a slave from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed. I wake up, I'm a slave to my wife and children and making sure that I take care of all those responsibilities. I'm a slave to chiropractic. I'm a slave to the federal government. Every scrap of income I make goes out to either paying for my family, my principal on my mortgage or my student loans, the interest on my mortgage or my student loans, taxes, gas, insuranceances, everything. It's just gone. Completely gone.

[00:09:47]And that's every single day. A complete slave to all that. And yet I choose to do I choose to do it because I'm someone who I've proven in the past I'll just straight disappear. I'll go live in a cave. I'll just walk off into the sunset or into the desert or into the storm. I never do anything I don't want to do for a long period of time. I'm one of the most selfish, self-interested people you will ever meet.

[00:10:13]And sometimes that manifests in evil.

[00:10:16]sometimes that manifests in the most beautiful, righteous, and good ways. And this is the rant I'm telling this young lady that I'm going off on right now.

[00:10:25]I'm telling her all this. I'm telling her, you know what? When I was specifically 23, I dropped all religion.

[00:10:33]I dropped all beliefs, all ideas. I did whatever I wanted. I lived for the flesh. I said yes to everything I wanted to say yes to.

[00:10:46]And that's how I lived.

[00:10:49]I was just in that mode. I went hard.

[00:10:54]One thing she was telling me is that she has mental illness suffering and that before she does anything, she's taking care of that. And I told her, yeah, I validated that. It's like, yeah, you can go that route. The whole idea here that I was telling her and I was constantly saying this is like it doesn't matter.

[00:11:18]It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if you spend your whole life doing nothing.

[00:11:21]It doesn't matter if you spend your whole life doing something. Because I've seen everybody that I've known that's ever died, which is getting up there. They've never come back. And however epic or legendary their life or or not, they died and they are gone. And I've never seen them come back. So that's it.

[00:11:50]Do what you want to do. Live how you want to live or not. It doesn't matter.

[00:11:57]You have free will or you don't.

[00:12:00]You might have free will. You might not have free will.

[00:12:04]It doesn't matter. It doesn't.

[00:12:09]And that's why for me, I only do things that I choose to do or that I have the illusion, the delusion of the choice to do.

[00:12:20]She's standing there with this blank face asking if she can leave early from somebody who's not even in charge of her so she can go watch her sister have a baby with a family that really at the end of the day I just get the sense she feels imprisoned to. She's afraid to break free from.

[00:12:41]Who knows? Who knows? I'm making a lot of assumptions. It's just he was standing there and wouldn't leave me alone as I was just wanting to enjoy that roller table and get three hours of rest and just like survive because I've already lived my I have stories.

[00:12:57]The thing is when you live a selfish, self-interested by your choice, go all in, go hard, righteous or evil consequences be damn kind of life, you end up with a lot of stories and a lot of experiences and a lot of them are evil and a lot of them are righteous. A lot of them are beautiful beyond beyond comprehension and a lot of them are just disgustingly messed up. But you have story. I have stories for I could post a story here every day for the rest of my life and I'm still making stories because I'm still living my life that way. I just wouldn't have as much interesting things to say right now. I'm sure I'll make a video and tell you about my everyday life right now. I pretty much already told to you. Wake up 5:30, slave, go to bed about well whenever I can get everyone to bed. So wake up, slave, go to bed. Wake up, slave, go to bed. But it's my choice. It's my choice. to do that. It's epic. It's legendary in its own way. There's always something that happens. Plenty of stories. Stories happen every day.

[00:14:00]Listen to the stories of his life. Read Frederick Douglas. He was a slave. His story is incredible. Uncle Tom's Cabin.

[00:14:06]Amazing.

[00:14:12]And she's still standing there as I'm going off on this rant and I'm telling her all these things that I'm telling you right now. Live your life. Live for your flesh or don't live for your flesh.

[00:14:23]Go all in. Go all out. And what's important is to always that I told her the results. It's like, am I Elon Musk?

[00:14:31]No. Do I have a multi-billion dollar company? No. Do I have a mansion with a row of cars? No. Did I go for it? Yeah.

[00:14:37]I once threw down $200,000, which is not a lot of money, but it's a lot of money for me. $200,000 on what if it would have went right would have resulted in about a 20 to 40x return.

[00:14:51]And it was reasonable that it would happen because that exact play had happened before.

[00:14:57]People who had done that technique had happened before. Listen to my tell all part two. Shameless plug. And guess what? It didn't go my way. And when you put everything on one pitcher toss that has the potential to give you 20 to 40x returns, which would have been 4 to8 million. And then I would actually be somebody instead of some nobody broke loser living paycheck to paycheck. And not a loser in the sense that I'm a quitter. A quitter is a real loser. But that's the word quitter. I'm a loser because I've lost because I've thrown everything I have into what I do. And sometimes you lose. And in my case, it's probably because my IQ is like 80 and I'm only 5'7, 140 lbs. And I'm just some average guy attempting to fight Achilles and be remembered amongst the stars. No wonder I lose so damn much. No wonder I lose so much. And yet, and this is what I told this young lady, the few times I've won, the return, the sliver of return. It's like, you know, this little wall behind me is my house. I live in this I live in a beautiful house. It's fine. It's a nice house. It's cool. It's a great yard, right? I have that. How many people How many people have a house with two bathrooms, clean water, running? I can go in there and have my times, my space.

[00:16:21]I can have a family that lives there, right? I have that swinging as hard as I can. At least I have that. It's a gorgeous wife in there. How many people have that? How many people have a wife that they love, who's loyal, who's gorgeous? I have that because I swung for the stars. Couple beautiful little offspring out there. How many people want that? So many.

[00:16:46]A professional.

[00:16:48]Hey, I'm a quack. I'm a chiropractor.

[00:16:50]You know what? My schedule's full. I'm not hurting for business.

[00:16:56]I treat I treat more people than I would like to treat. I'm busier than I want to be. I don't ask for business. I turn around people. No. No.

[00:17:07]It's cool. If you're not interested, that's fine. No. Yeah, chiropractors are quacks. Absolutely. Yeah, I don't need any more work. I'm already busy enough.

[00:17:16]How many people can say that? You've got all the business you want, right? You're not out there fishing for work. You've got too much work to do where you're happy to turn it down. How how blessed is that? That's from swinging for the stars.

[00:17:31]So, I swing for the stars and I miss 99% of the time. And each time I miss, you know, there's like this interesting thing in boxing where boxers hurt their shoulders when they swing and miss. If you swing and hit something, it doesn't hurt your shoulder because you're able to transfer that force into what you're hitting. You swing and miss, that force comes back on you, right? So, I'm bald.

[00:17:54]Everyone always talks about that now. 40 years old. It's like, get real. 40. It's like I should have a full head of hair, though. My grandfather had a full head of hair. I take after I should have a full head. You know why I don't? cuz I've swung and missed so many times and every time I do it takes a little bit of damage.

[00:18:12]You take a little bit of damage every time you swing and miss. But you just keep What is the song from Simon and Garfuncle? The boxer in the clearing stands a boxer and a fighter by his trade. And he carries the reminder of every glove that laid him down or cut him till he cried out in his anger and his shame, I am leaving. I am leaving.

[00:18:33]But the fighter still remains. You swing and swing and swing and swing and miss and miss and miss and miss and take the damage and you're going to land some hits.

[00:18:47]And those hits will give you a sliver of return. And these are just the things I'm telling this young lady. And I'm exhausted right now. So this is just another rant. This is just a rant video, right?

[00:19:00]isn't like any kind of motivation or inspiration. You look around, that's another thing. Everyone is like, and I do this too, right? I have all my people I listen to. I listen to a bunch of dead guys. Jim Ran, Napoleon Hill, Bob Proctor. These are all great guys. Ra, and they're awesome. These guys have deep, deep wisdom. It's like, yeah, okay.

[00:19:23]All right. Like, make no illusion here.

[00:19:25]You're looking at a guy who's like on his last leg 247. like, yeah, I'm grateful. I wake up, I take a breath, you know, I wake up, first thing I feel is dread because it's just going to be another day of war. And then after that, when the conscious mind kicks in, it's gratitude. It's like, thank you, thank you. And then when the real self-awareness kicks in, it's like, thank you for my family just being happy and healthy. It's cool. Beat me up. Take it out on me. Like, that's fine. And not because I'm a good person or I'm for self-interest. I've already come so accustomed to this and and this and this. It's just like at least when I die, I ain't leaving behind a perfect body or a perfect mind or a perfect soul. I've taken it to the limit and I'm going to keep taking it to the limit in my own way. So that's cool.

[00:20:16]It got I got my I got my time's worth out of this and I still am going to get it. And it's brutal. It's brutal. There's no there's no grass is greener on the other side there. It This isn't like a a happy purely happy story. Oh yeah, another I I have a bunch of I like the guys on on YouTube who are younger guys who do the whole like motivational thing. I like listening to them actually. I I listen to this one guy called Elevate Every Man. He's cool. Shout out to him. He's fun. He's this He's younger than he's like in his early 30s. Real motivated.

[00:20:55]Ah, stay lean. It's all about being lean, being like badass and all that.

[00:21:00]It's just like it's fun, you know. It's fun to listen to that. Um, it is. And I I bring this up because what this is is uh is that too, but it's also like no, this is a war.

[00:21:20]For anyone who is kind enough to listen to me, what this is is like we are in war.

[00:21:28]There will be moments of happiness.

[00:21:29]There will be moments of victory. Like there will be moments where we take the hill and it's all sunshine and rainbows.

[00:21:38]We will all suffer and die continually every moment, every day for the rest of our lives until these bodies just give out though. That's that's this that's what we're doing here. That's what we're doing here. We're fighting to the bitter end till the last gasp. And we're going to smile. We're going to have fun. We're going to listen to our motivational speakers.

[00:22:08]Follow your religions. Read your read your scriptures that you like or not.

[00:22:14]Be happy. Be positive. Complain. Do whatever you want. That's the whole point. There is no It's fine. There's no point. It's all good.

[00:22:23]And that's exactly everything I've said here is just what I've told to that young lady, right? And I'm happy to say it here because I could just be resting right now. This is fun. I'm having fun.

[00:22:33]I'm just having fun. remembering ranting to this young lady in person because you know what though after I went off for about as long as I've gone off now and to her credit she stood there and just listened and maybe it's what she needed to hear. You know I told it to her and I always just say I'm an advice and inspiration guy. Don't tell people what to do. But to be honest with you, I do like to tell people what to do sometimes. And when I look into somebody's eyes and I see nothing but like suffering and pain and they're just being like wishy-washy and you can tell they just like deep down they want to like go and actually live their life. If they could just get past the fear or being scared or if they could just get past their conditioning just for a moment. Not to say those there's anything wrong with any of those things.

[00:23:23]Like by all means have a healthy fear.

[00:23:26]have a reason to be scared. There's plenty of reasons to have fear and be scared, have conditioning, you know, to be able to live every day sane and accomplish what you need to accomplish.

[00:23:41]But if you're standing there with a blank look on your face and you've got basically nothing, right, which is what this young lady had, nothing. This 23-year-old, she really had nothing.

[00:23:50]It's like, yeah, you have a job working in the front desk chiropractic clinic.

[00:23:53]That's honorable. That's noble. That's cool. people know your name, but at the end of the day, you're expendable. It's cool. Like, that's purposeful. It's like, yeah, you have niece and nieces and nephews. That's cool. You have some friends, right? And I love it because as I'm telling, as I'm like ranting on her, I am challenging her along the way, like really testing to see like, are you doing in your life what you want to be doing? Are you happy? Are you finding purpose? Are you finding meaning?

[00:24:26]And a lot of people will just be like, "Yeah, yeah." Like she was telling me like, "Yeah, I have friends. I love my friends.

[00:24:33]I love my my nieces and nephews. I love this. I love that."

[00:24:38]But the deepest thing she said, and the only time she told me the truth is when she told me, cuz I told her first. I told her, you know, that's great because when I was your age, I was in utter pain and suffering mentally, physically, spiritually already I was like in dire straits. Like life is already suffering from the time I woke up to the time I go to bed when I was your age. And then she told me the truth. She's like, "Yeah, yeah, that's the case for me, too. And I'm working on that before." She told me that's why I'm working on that before I go and do anything. And I I said, "You do whatever you want. I'm going to tell you right now." I was in that same position. And here's an analogy for you, right? Let's say you get hurt. Your body gets hurt. And you're like, "You know what? I'm not going to walk until my leg feels better or my back feels better. Like, I'm just not going to move my body until it feels better." It's like, you know, intuitively that well then you might never ever move again because you don't know if your back's going to feel better or your legs going to feel better. And does not moving your body make it feel better?

[00:25:55]No. Continuing to move your body, continuing to use it regardless of where you're hurting in your body makes it better. Or at least it doesn't get better, but you're still moving and using your body. It's it's the same thing. It's like, yeah, you're mentally screwed up. You're 23. Look at the world you're living in. Look at the technology. Look at all the stats. Like, yeah, I can't. You're messed up. You're probably just going to be messed up the rest of your life. So, you might as well go forth and just wait into the chaos and go and live your life in spite of it or with it. It's always going to be there.

[00:26:35]You're never you're never going to be fully healed and then be able to go and do what you want to do. You're always just you're just going to carry all the wounds, all the all of it. Just carry it with you.

[00:26:48]Just be messed up through it all. Look at me. I'm a psycho. I'm I have Somebody pointed out in the comments, it was it was a great comment. They're like, "You have psychopathy. You know that, right?"

[00:26:56]It's like, "Yeah, yeah, I'm a guy who sits here talking into his phone.

[00:27:03]I have psychopathy. I'm I'm all messed up.

[00:27:08]Am I going to sit around and wait for all that to heal before I go do something?" No. No. It's just with me.

[00:27:18]It's just with me all the time. And you know what? when something does heal and go away and I wake up and I'm like maybe it's the shoulder. Man, my right shoulder doesn't hurt today. Nice.

[00:27:27]That's just that's just a blessing, right? Or I wake up and I don't feel any mental illness. I just feel very positive and happy and everything is beautiful. It's like, wow, that's cool, man. Thank you. Thank you that now it's a blessing. See, because I don't have any expectations. My only my only thing is just keep going and just it's war.

[00:27:47]It's war. We just swing, we go, we move.

[00:27:51]Fight till the last gasp.