🔥 NORM MACDONALD: The Man Who Made Your FAVORITE COMEDIANS Look Like Amateurs

Added: 2026-05-08

[00:00:00]Have you met Norm McDonald before being in the >> I got to work with Norm and uh I I I guess I I mean I hope he doesn't mind if I tell him because this is very endearing >> last comic standing.

[00:00:10]>> No, I did I did the season before.

[00:00:13]>> Okay.

[00:00:13]>> Um but I got to work with him one week and uh >> we uh >> What did you do?

[00:00:19]>> Oh man, I watched every single set he was he did and it was so cool. And we actually got I you know what I I already got into the story so I got to tell but let's hear it. Yeah, it was fun.

[00:00:30]>> He wanted to get high.

[00:00:32]>> Yeah.

[00:00:32]>> And so I was like okay I don't really get high before shows but afterwards cool. And he's like no now. [laughter] >> Well when Nor McDonald says now right you >> you say yes.

[00:00:43]>> Correct.

[00:00:43]>> And he goes and he goes and hands me the joint. And I was like uh okay. And then he hands it back for a second hit. And I was like no thanks. [laughter] And he goes, "What's your problem?" And I go, "Well, I'm just worried I'm going to repeat a joke and I still have to go up and bring you up because [laughter] the the opener was on, >> right, >> and I was hosting. So, I still have to go up there and bring you up and I just don't I already did some jokes earlier and I just don't want to tell the same joke again."

[00:01:09]>> And he goes, "That's insane. You're an idiot. Smoke this." [laughter] And and so I smoked it. And then we go inside and I'm and I'm so high. And I go, "I'm just going to bring you up. I'm not going to do any time. [laughter] I'm just going to bring you up." And he's like, "No, do a couple minutes." And I go, "No, I but please just let me just bring you up." And he goes, "No, do five minutes. He's this guy's doing really well. Give me, you know, take a little do a little time in between.

[00:01:35]>> You need a little buffer between comments." Right. Right.

[00:01:38]>> I said, "Okay." So, I went up there and I was so high. I was like, "I don't even remember what I said in the first half of my set, so I'm just going to tell jokes that I haven't told in years."

[00:01:47][laughter] And I And when I told a joke >> Oh, you So you told the a You let the audience in on the fact that you had been >> No, I the audience didn't know. So I would just tell >> Okay. Oh, so so you just said that to yourself, I'm just going to do jokes I haven't done in 5 years.

[00:01:58]>> Yes. And I walked on stage and I would tell a joke and then I would watch the audience and if they laughed, I would relax and go, okay, that one down. And I did that the whole set. It was it was horrible. I was so stressed out. And then I just said, "Ladies and gentlemen, Nor McDonald's." and and I look over to my right and there he is walking the opposite way [laughter] and the and the feature turned him around and and pushed pointed him [laughter] to the stage >> over here. Norm, >> that's how that's how high we got by accident.

[00:02:30]>> By accident like you tripped on a joint.

[00:02:32][laughter] >> But I mean >> I love the peer pressure from Norm though. That's awesome. It's like like a high school and middle school all over again.

[00:02:39]>> And he's my hero. So I just, you know, for me that was a little I was a little worried about him. But then he walked on stage and he opened up with this great bit and he was crushing, right?

[00:02:48]>> He was destroying and then he got the light >> and then he started to wrap it up and he started to tell the joke he opened with [laughter] >> and I started to freak out like I just I was like, "Oh no.

[00:03:01]>> Oh no." And the audience thought it was a joke.

[00:03:05]>> They thought he was being Norm.

[00:03:07]>> I'm sure. And but when he delivered the punchline and it was the same punchline, they realized he had just forgotten his joke [laughter] and they didn't laugh. They felt a little betrayed and he walked off stage in complete confusion. And [laughter] that bit usually kills.

[00:03:24]>> And then and then the feature goes, "You told the same joke twice, you idiot."

[00:03:29]And he he goes, "No."

[00:03:32]And [laughter] then he looks at me and he goes, "This is your fault."

[00:03:36]And I never I never got to work with them again. [laughter] That was the last time I worked with Norm.

[00:03:41]>> You know what? With Nor McDonald though, that's Norm. He's so irreverent that that's almost expected.

[00:03:47]>> He can do that.

[00:03:48]>> Yeah.

[00:03:48]>> And all that's a bit in itself. I mean, look at the cauliflower joke he did on the roast with Bob Saget.

[00:03:55]>> Yeah.

[00:03:55]>> That bit. [laughter] He purposely went up there on that roast and bombed on purpose and it was genius.

[00:04:02]>> Yeah.

[00:04:02]>> And uh have you have you heard that bit?

[00:04:05]Watch watch Nor McDonald roast. Uh, who was he roasting?

[00:04:08]>> It was Bob Saget.

[00:04:10]>> Your head looks like a collie flower or something like I'm not going to do the vid, but yeah. Go back.

[00:04:16][music] [music] endings.

[00:04:31]>> Oh, why not?

[00:04:32]>> Smells like a [ __ ] pot dispensary in here. [laughter] >> Norm, let's let's stay on track here.

[00:04:38]Let's stay on track. So, you It's hard for me to feel like I'm hot getting >> It's getting >> You know what I'm saying? I'm making sense.

[00:04:45]>> It's not you, is it?

[00:04:46]>> No.

[00:04:47]>> No. I'm not going to Let's move the show in a good order here.

[00:04:49]>> But you don't seem You seem different.

[00:04:53]You know, let me Okay, I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out of order.

[00:04:56]That's okay. No, no, no, no, no. I'm going to remember this.

[00:04:58]>> It's legal. It's legal.

[00:04:59]>> Okay. It has to do with what you just did.

[00:05:03][laughter] >> The most painful thing in the world for me is, and I realize, and it's so true.

[00:05:07]One of the most not physical pain, but just mental pain is waiting to talk.

[00:05:11]>> That's what I was doing out there. You know, you're outside there, they're talking, but you're waiting to talk.

[00:05:16]>> That's not That's not all you were doing outside.

[00:05:19][laughter] It's illegal. Norm, >> it's legal. [laughter] >> I almost don't want to admit this cuz it makes him look so bad.

[00:05:29]>> He made me smoke pot in America.

[00:05:31][laughter] >> This is the truth. My hand. I don't believe in God, but my truth. My truth.

[00:05:35]Outside. He goes, "Come on, you'll smoke. You'll smoke. You'll smoke." I'm like, "If you want me to smoke, I'll smoke." I didn't plan on it cuz I get Chad. People that smoke pot more than you think, you're always fighting with them when you go, "I only smoke pot four times a week." You're just saying it casually. They're like, "You smoke more than that?" Like, relax. What are you afraid? I'm I'm not admitting I'm like you.

[00:05:52]>> Four times a week seems like a lot to me.

[00:05:53]>> I [laughter] >> Does it really?

[00:05:56]>> A little bit.

[00:05:56]>> Look into my eyes.

[00:05:57]>> I'm serious. I'm very serious.

[00:05:59]>> Um no, I don't know who Bill Bogs is. A name sounds familiar. [cough] >> Oh, shut up. What are the odds? Smoke came billowing out of my mouth after half [laughter] an hour. Really? You think your audience is that dumb?

[00:06:09]They're going to sit home and go, "Oh my god, Todd Glass, a half an hour into his interview, smoke came billowing out of his mouth." [laughter] Do you think we stopped saying Nrig which means you know uh or or enrich or [ __ ] rich or [ __ ] rigged which were terms that some people are going were they terms because well it's a fine or do you think we just shouldn't use people >> what they say when you hey stop with that joint there you're >> getting spit on so no hold on a second so most people would say that we stopped those things because it was egregious >> yes >> I know what I'm saying >> you know I know >> and uh so you have to say another example my friend >> he would get stoned and he go, I thought of all these ideas and everything, you know, and but I never write them down.

[00:06:47]So he goes, I'm going to write them down. I'm going to have a little notebook and write down whatever I think is funny, you know. And so he said he woke up one day after getting really stoned and on his pad he had written that's really funny. [laughter] >> Which brings us to two uh notable comedians and two friends of Gilbert's.

[00:07:08]And Gilbert, you might have to do the driving on this one. Uh, let's start with the late great Norm.

[00:07:14]>> Yeah, I remember I remember doing Norm's podcast and you know, as always, it turned with any of my comic friends, he would turn like deranged.

[00:07:27]>> Mhm.

[00:07:27]>> And uh he was he was very funny with that. He'd always talk with like a sneer, you know, it's like and and I remember right at I I put that photo up a few times. It's one of my favorite photos. Afterwards, after doing Norm's show, uh Norm and I joined uh uh Jeff Jeff Ross and of course uh uh Bob Saget.

[00:07:58]>> Yeah.

[00:07:59]>> And I remember that being a night of just non-stops.

[00:08:05]>> You could tell even from the still photo.

[00:08:07]>> Yeah.

[00:08:07]>> That you guys were were ripping it up.

[00:08:10]Yeah, it was just so much fun.

[00:08:13]>> Truly original. Truly original. I I I never met him. You know, it's funny. I'm I I I'm in comedy a long time and I know a million comedians and I've gotten to work with a million comedians and for some reason our paths never crossed and we wanted to get him on this show, Gil, as you know.

[00:08:29]>> Yes.

[00:08:29]>> And he and he was he was Norm. So he was strangely he was strangely hard to pin down or non-committal or could do it and then couldn't do it and >> well I I don't I don't really know [laughter] I I pos I I know I'm working [laughter] one of the truly great comic minds though and that last that that his last appearance on Letterman where he got so emotional >> um you know And in ways I it sounds corny. I felt I knew him uh through his work and obviously a lot of mutual friends. That le appearance really >> your your appearance on his podcast that that whole podcast was so good.

[00:09:13]>> It was so funny.

[00:09:14]>> Let's not let's not diminish that Gilbert. It was it made history. Your appearance and also the Einstein episode.

[00:09:21]>> Yeah. With Norm.

[00:09:22]>> Yeah. I remember when I when I was on Norm's podcast afterwards, I just felt like I like I ran a marathon.

[00:09:32]It it was it was just like just got crazier and crazier.

[00:09:37]>> Netflix owns those owns that show now and and they're not because they're not >> available to the public unfortunately and and they're sitting on them.

[00:09:46]Hopefully one day. It would be great if if that podcast was re-released because >> Yeah, there's that Bob Einstein episode is also legend.

[00:09:53]>> Yep.

[00:09:54]>> Uh, you know, what can you say about the guy? I I mean, a r a really rare truly original comic voice.

[00:10:03]>> It just really >> I love more than life itself.

[00:10:08]>> He um, by the way, Norm's book uh, based on a true story, not a memoir, which is so funny. Mhm.

[00:10:14]>> the the audio book, he narrates it. So, if you're if you miss Norm and you've never heard him reading his book, it's it's brilliant.

[00:10:24]>> Now, I got to get it.

[00:10:26]>> Yeah. I I I regret never meeting the man. And uh Gilbert, I'm I'm glad you had such wonderful times with him.

[00:10:31]>> Yes. He was a lot of fun.

[00:10:34]>> It's a It's a big loss. It's a loss on this podcast.

[00:10:36]>> Total smartass.

[00:10:39][clears throat] >> Yeah. I I I wish I wish my our paths had crossed. You say [music] there's no way we could go back and that I broken what we had.

[00:10:52]I wish [music] around.

[00:11:02]>> So, let's move on to Bob, last but not least, >> which was a blow and not expected. And I had just I will say that I had just reached out to Bob. We just recorded our 400th episode a couple of days ago, Gilbert and I, and I reached out to Bob uh and I said, "Will you come and do this with us?" And he said, "I think I'm on a plane that night." And we were going back and forth and trying to arrange something. And then I sent him the link, which has been shared online.

[00:11:28]I sent him the link to uh to Don Rickle's uh estate auction. Did you see that?

[00:11:34]>> Oh, yeah. They posted >> I bid on a couple things.

[00:11:36]>> You bid on a couple of things >> and I got none of them.

[00:11:39]Bob Bob's face was on a couple of items that you know like there was pictures of them together and a poster or something and I said hey you might want to bid on some of these things and he wrote me back and he said that this just makes me sad actually and he said but but life goes on and I was I had said to my wife I have to call Bob I have to text Bob we have to we move the date of the 400th episode and I got a phone call from my sister-in-law probably 20 minutes later telling me she just heard that he was gone. And it was very shocking and still is. Um, >> and I had just spoken to Bob like a few days before he died and we were on the phone and as always the minute anything turned at all sincere or uh serious, we we turn it to just complete filth and and make it reverse. And and it was always fun. And and it was like I always remember like when the Aristocrats came out, people were saying, "Can you believe Bob Saget talks like that?" And to people who knew him. They said we [laughter] we couldn't believe he could speak any other way.

[00:12:57]>> It wasn't Danny Tanner. I didn't I didn't know him that well. Well, I certainly didn't know him well as well as Gilbert, but uh uh you know, but that was part of him. But there was a but there was such a a a gentleness to the guy, too. I mean, his humor was so edgy and so dark and so sc could be so scatological, as you'll hear because we're rerunning the uh the second episode that we did with him. Uh but but he he he didn't want to he didn't want to injure. He didn't want to hurt anybody. He was very very very sensitive guy. Did he always tell you that he loved you before he hung up the phone, Gilbert?

[00:13:31]>> Uh, yes.

[00:13:32]>> As Daryl as Daryl shared with me, >> there there was a real a real kindness to him that you couldn't miss.

[00:13:40]>> And and uh yeah, and I I I remember I I got a call from Jeff Ross who said, "Uh, oh, sad news. Bob Saget died." And I swear I thought, "Oh, this is gonna be a funny, sick joke." And I said, "Oh, okay." And I was waiting for the punchline. And then he said, "Uh, no.

[00:14:07]Seriously, he died." And I I still have a hard time grasping that.

[00:14:13]>> It's a gut punch.

[00:14:14]>> It really is. And you know, [clears throat] you Gilbert went you you made the rounds. You you went on CNN.

[00:14:21]You went on television. you you you said some you said some lovely things about him, but >> you know 65 I mean it's it's it's it's too young. It's it's too big a loss for for >> and and it seemed like he was another one starting out again >> like he he would just did a live show.

[00:14:40]Yeah. and he was really excited to be getting back to live performing and uh >> going back to the second podcast with him and he started that podcast Bob Sackets here for you and it did seem like he was entering another phase of his career and another phase of his life. It seemed like he was be he was more wistful and and and and trying more to be of service. I mean he was you know that's why he was pleasant to be around.

[00:15:06]There really was no show business at all to the guy.

[00:15:08]>> Yeah. you know, um, and he struck me, again, didn't know him well, but he struck me as as as also having a sadness about him. Do you think that guilt did you feel that?

[00:15:18]>> Yeah.

[00:15:18]>> A a depth and a sadness about him.

[00:15:21]>> And and he als Well, he had two sisters who died.

[00:15:24]>> Yeah, that's right.

[00:15:26]>> One from scaraderma, which was a a charity. He did loads of work for.

[00:15:34]>> Yes. To his credit. And um and see there's another thing that shows that I what I've always said about comedy and tragedy.

[00:15:45]I he he he made I remember being with him a few times where he made jokes about his sister, you know, really deranged stuff. But then you see, I mean, you know, he loved his sister >> and his family was totally traumatized by it, but he he could just be completely si I I I think if you could communicate with the dead and get in touch with Bob Saget, he would make completely bad taste jokes about his own death.

[00:16:23]He He was that that kind. He would just really >> staying staying true to his art to the end.

[00:16:30]>> Yes.

[00:16:31]>> To the bitter end. It's a big loss for us personally, for Gilbert and and Jeff and and uh and Stamos and and obviously a lot of his friends and fans >> and and I I rem I put up a photo too. I was on the beach with Jeff and we're holding up a phone and on the phone is Bob Saget cuz we're was sitting on the beach and said, "Hey, let's call Bob."

[00:16:56]>> I saw the picture.

[00:16:58]>> Yeah. [laughter] >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Not much else we can add. U rest in peace, Bob.

[00:17:06]>> Jana, I love you. GI Jane 2. Can't wait to see it. All right.

[00:17:12][laughter] It's That was a That was a nice one.

[00:17:18]Okay. I'm out here. Uh-oh. Richard.

[00:17:26]Oh, wow.

[00:17:28]Wow.

[00:17:31]Will Smith were going to those, you know.

[00:17:35]>> What was your thing? Good Will Smith.

[00:17:40]How'd that one go?

[00:17:42]>> I was just I you know it's >> on Mad TV they would often like >> two things.

[00:17:48]>> I pitched a thing called Good Will Smith >> Goodwill Smith and he worked at an all black college and you know the the >> the problem on the blackboard that no one could solve was two plus two.

[00:18:00][laughter] >> Then Will Smith plays a janitor puts a four and they go who who solved this?

[00:18:08]>> [laughter] >> It took us took the professors eight years to figure this one out. [laughter] [snorts] They rejected it. They said it was like racist. [laughter] >> I'm scared of letting go. Go. [music] I'm scared of letting go. Go.

[00:18:27]I'm scared of letting go. Go.

[00:18:31]I'm scared [music] of letting go of everything in the past.

[00:18:36]Scared of [music] letting So I could Oh, okay.

[00:18:50]That was a greatest night in the history of television. Okay.

[00:18:56]>> Okay.

[00:18:57]>> And uh we're going to read jokes. We read jokes.

[00:19:00]>> I thought you were going to talk about this thing.

[00:19:02]>> We're going to talk about the man. What about the man? Great. [laughter] Is that like a genital cleanser?

[00:19:07]>> No. No. My god. What is the man great?

[00:19:11]You ask.

[00:19:12]>> I didn't ask.

[00:19:13]>> Huh?

[00:19:14]>> Fine. I didn't. But >> you didn't ask. It is 100% made in America. Cast iron grilling grit. It's iron. You don't pronounce it iron.

[00:19:23]>> That's what everybody tells me. It's >> the iron horse. Like Luke Derek was the iron horse of baseball.

[00:19:28]>> Yes.

[00:19:28]>> The word I R O N is >> iron. No. No. Iron.

[00:19:32]>> Cast iron. iron.

[00:19:34]>> Cast iron grilling grates that are red when you say iron.

[00:19:39]>> Uh, you know what? Don't be like Larry King. That I say iron and he's up my [ __ ] for four days.

[00:19:46]>> It should be iron.

[00:19:48]>> That's what makes English the world's toughest language.

[00:19:51]>> Yeah.

[00:19:51]>> You know, right? Sure.

[00:19:53]>> It is the toughest.

[00:19:54]>> Toughest language.

[00:19:54]>> Maybe it's the easiest.

[00:19:56]>> Great. [laughter] >> Wait. Have you heard of the man grace?

[00:20:00]>> Yes, I have.

[00:20:00]>> You have?

[00:20:01]>> Yeah.

[00:20:03][laughter] Where'd you hear about it?

[00:20:05]>> On Adam Carroll's podcast.

[00:20:07]>> Wow. How about that? Do you have a father? [laughter] >> Mangraid is the perfect gift for this Father's Day. Is he alive?

[00:20:15]>> Yeah.

[00:20:16]>> Yeah. 100% made in America. If he was dead, it would have been really bad moment in the commercial. [laughter] Your dad's alive.

[00:20:24]>> No.

[00:20:26][laughter] >> God damn it.

[00:20:29]>> I'm sorry about your dad. That's fine.

[00:20:32]>> Your father's dead.

[00:20:34][laughter] >> But you have children. You are a father.

[00:20:37]>> Yes. And I'm not dead.

[00:20:39]>> Yes.

[00:20:39]>> Maybe you'll give me one. And I'll >> I'll give you one. Is your mom still alive?

[00:20:43]>> My mom?

[00:20:44]>> Yeah.

[00:20:44]>> No, she's dead.

[00:20:45]>> Jesus Christ. Does any of your relatives alive? Was man. Grace.

[00:20:50]They are revolutionizing the way people grill. What? Adam Megan. It's true. You haven't heard of the revolution?

[00:20:58]You can put chicken on this or steak.

[00:21:00]That's not that unique. [laughter] It has heavy duty grilling grates.

[00:21:08]Why are you laughing? You think the grilling grates are flimsy?

[00:21:12]>> Those are very heavy.

[00:21:13]>> Yes. No. No. But that's part of the charm. It weighs a lot of pounds.

[00:21:18]>> Is that heavy?

[00:21:19]>> Yeah.

[00:21:21]>> Listen, man. What was that story?

[00:21:25]>> Jesus Christ.

[00:21:26]>> Sorry. What is in that?

[00:21:28]>> Again. Again. Again. It's revolutionizing the way people grill.

[00:21:35]>> Jesus.

[00:21:36]>> What?

[00:21:36]>> I thought it was like a All right.

[00:21:38]>> You want to hear what it has?

[00:21:39]>> Yeah.

[00:21:40]>> It has heavy duty grilling grates.

[00:21:42][laughter] What is it?

[00:21:47]No more dry meat.

[00:21:50]>> What do you think of that? [laughter] >> You want your meat juicy?

[00:21:54]>> Oh, come on now. [laughter] Don't make it sound like a fat, plumpy, delicious [ __ ] [laughter] No more flare-ups. You know, in your barbecue's always been flare-ups.

[00:22:11]It was name [laughter] It was named one of 2012's best grilling accessories. There's more facts about the mangrade than about Nick. Why are you laughing? You're making a mockery out of the mangrade.

[00:22:26]Chicken steak has never tasted so good.

[00:22:30][laughter] Hey, how about this? Each Norm McDonald order comes with a heavy duty grilling brush. [laughter] >> Jesus.

[00:22:50]You don't want to put that on your not dry meat.

[00:22:54]Look at that. Those things are dirty.

[00:22:56]>> No, no, no, no, no.

[00:22:57]>> That's from the iron.

[00:22:58]>> Are you sure?

[00:22:59]>> Yes. Well, it's not from my [ __ ] >> What?

[00:23:02]>> I just went to the bathroom. You say [ __ ] so much.

[00:23:06]>> I'm in your butt.

[00:23:09][laughter] Oh my god. But listen, man. Hey, your mouth is my toilet. [laughter] Again. Again.

[00:23:21][laughter] Again, this commercial is like a miniseries.

[00:23:27]Are you a a jingoist?

[00:23:30]100% made in America. 100% cast iron.

[00:23:34]mangrove.com.

[00:23:37]Thank you, Andy.

[00:23:43]That's yours.

[00:23:45]>> You just threw your own going away present with contempt to the floor.

[00:23:49]Sucks.

[00:23:51]>> [laughter] >> That was our only sponsor.

[00:23:55]>> Yeah. Now we found out we lost Mang Great as a sponsor. [laughter] >> And then earlier today, I think we were told legally we can't say we lost them as a sponsor even.

[00:24:05]>> Yeah. I think we were still waiting to find out if we were allowed to say that.

[00:24:08]>> But anyways, that was we lost them.

[00:24:10]>> That was Nick Schwarz and that it all up. [music] broken what we had.

[00:24:21]I wish that [music] you would come around.

[00:24:29]>> One of your lesser known but my one of my favorite things you've ever done is a commercial you did for the mangra.

[00:24:36]>> God that that's an online only thing don't you think? It's got like hundred thousands, maybe a couple million views.

[00:24:42]And I just want to know, did they ever come around to your interpretation of their ad in their product?

[00:24:47]>> No, what he's referring to is I have I have this podcast that, you know, I do this podcast, I don't make any money off of it. And then they're like, do this commercial. I'm like, [ __ ] I don't even make any money. And uh so there was this goddamn thing called a man grape and it weighed like 100 pounds. It was supposed to be some sort of cooking device for steak. And I had to read all this thing and I couldn't even lift it.

[00:25:11]I was like sweatingly and talk about what it was. And then I I don't know. I >> It gets It gets very colorful.

[00:25:21]>> Like what >> gets very colorful. You're >> It gets very colorful. Yeah. And I'm not going to say what I what I said here in a house of worship.

[00:25:30][laughter] >> But no, they never came around to seeing the uh >> that sponsorship ended. That sponsorship ended uh without amicability.

[00:25:41]>> Well, more bad news for ice cream moguls Ben and Jerry and their continuing battle with the Food and Drug Administration. This week, the FDA banned their newest flavor, stuff from Ben's beard.

[00:25:54][laughter] Medddling bureaucracy wrecking match.

[00:26:02]Well, bad news for ice cream mogul Ben and Jerry. This week, the Food and Drug Administration banned their newest flavor, Ben's Back Hair.

[00:26:17][applause] [laughter] Zezy Top saying that every girl's crazy about a sharp-dressed man. But you know what? They're not crazy about gross long beards. [laughter] >> It's funny. These are That one was written for years. That was more of your cadence right there.

[00:26:35]>> But you know what? They're not crazy about grows long beards. [laughter] >> A new study found that men with beards are more attractive. This This is a study that was took place at the University of [snorts] I'll do it another week. It's such a funny joke.

[00:26:53]>> Another week.

[00:26:54]>> A new study found that men with beards are more attractive than men without beards. More great work from the University of Bob Seager. [laughter] >> My dad used to call him Take a Shave.

[00:27:06]Take a Shave. He get mad at me.

[00:27:10]>> See, people don't know you the way I know you.

[00:27:12]>> This guy likes to have a good time.

[00:27:13]>> I like to, you know, I I I drinks a bit.

[00:27:18]>> That wasn't what I was talking about.

[00:27:19]>> What were you [laughter] talking about?

[00:27:21]>> I was just saying you have a good time.

[00:27:23]It's real innocent thing to say and then you get right into the drinking.

[00:27:26]Occasionally I like to drink a beer, you know. I don't like I like, you know, regular drinks, you know. I don't like I don't like >> supposed to eat.

[00:27:38]>> What are you talking about?

[00:27:38]>> What I was talking about is, you know, those those shooters, you know what I mean?

[00:27:42]>> Yeah.

[00:27:42]>> Like they're shooters and they're like uh uh they have dirty names, like sex names. You know what I'm talking about?

[00:27:48]>> Yeah. They're all called like, you know, the the red-headed [ __ ] or something.

[00:27:52]>> Exactly.

[00:27:53]>> Exactly.

[00:27:54]>> It's the one I like.

[00:27:56]>> [laughter] >> It's actually named after me.

[00:28:01]>> But, you know, I guess the the the idea is in your head you want to order them because you're drunk. You go, "Hey, uh," they go, "Hey," you think maybe you'll get a, you know, they go, "You want a redheaded horse?" Yeah. Yeah. Like, [laughter] you figure Rule Lens is going to come in. You're going to have, >> right?

[00:28:20]>> You're going to have some dirty, dirty sex. But, uh, no. Uh, what I was going to say was this, >> but you like be I mean I mean you said you do you sometimes sometimes you have a little too much to drink maybe.

[00:28:30]>> Well, one time I drank a super amount and I was I had I'd only been >> a super amount, right?

[00:28:35]>> It was it was when I was a young guy.

[00:28:37]I'd only drunk like eight or nine times in my whole life. I never had gotten really drunk, but I had had drinks. I went out with my buddies and I was drinking and they were having those crazy drinks. All of a sudden, I was really drunk and then a guy gave me some pills. Like he said, "Hey, you want some pills?" And I said, "Yeah, all right."

[00:28:52]So, I ate the pills and uh you're not supposed to eat pills with while you drink.

[00:28:58]>> I think I think even if you're not drinking, it's not a good idea when you want a bunch of pills. Yeah, >> I know.

[00:29:04]>> Yeah. Combining the two.

[00:29:05]>> This guy was a decent guy. He was a bouncer. No, [laughter] but uh so I said, "Yeah, so these pills, they just make you like a hundred times drunker." So then I'm Oh, man. I'm really drunk. And then like time passed, but I don't remember. Then my friends are like, "Hey, let's go." I'm like, "Why don't you guys go? where are you gonna, you know, why go right?

[00:29:23][laughter] Like we're in a bar drinking, right? And like it doesn't seem right. You don't want to go home, you know, and watch I Love Lucy or something. So you're like, "Hey, I just stay here. I got new I make new friends, right?" [snorts] So I was like real drunk and everybody was like cool. It's like a western. They had a jukebox, you know, one of those guy gives you a whole bottle there, you know, and you go and then [laughter] >> that's what you do when you're drinking.

[00:29:49][screaming] a pirate all of a sudden.

[00:29:52]>> And then uh it was the funnest, man.

[00:29:54]There was a big fat bearded guy there and I was hanging with him real drunk all of a sudden, right? I'm like, "Oh man, I can't remember anything." I remember like I sort of falling into a pool table or something like that, right?

[00:30:04]>> And then I wake up, right? And it's like I'm I'm in a bed. I look beside there's the fat bearded guy beside me.

[00:30:11][laughter] >> No, really?

[00:30:13]>> Yeah. So I go, "Oh, Lord God, I had sex with the fat bearded guy." [laughter] You know, and at the time like I'd never had sex before in my life.

[00:30:21]>> Yeah.

[00:30:21]>> You know, and I always thought it's going to probably going to be with a lady. You know what I mean? [laughter] >> Uhhuh.

[00:30:31]>> So then I but I [laughter] looked over and the weird thing was instead of us being in the same bed, he's in a separate bed, right? Like we have two separate beds.

[00:30:39]>> Twin beds.

[00:30:40]>> Twin beds. So then I'm like, "Wait a minute. Now this is weird cuz you know why would we be in separate beds? Is he like a old-fashioned gay guy, you know?

[00:30:47]And >> right, but [laughter] >> he has the he has the good values. Yeah.

[00:30:53]>> So, we're not married yet.

[00:30:55]>> There's no such thing, of course, as an oldfashioned gay guy. They're the most decadent people. So, I said, >> what?

[00:31:01]>> With sex. You know, they enjoy sex like crazy. You know, >> we mustn't generalize.

[00:31:07]>> We mustn't generalize. No, go ahead.

[00:31:09]Seriously, they you know if there was a bath house for straight guys, we wouldn't be able to have sex nine 10 times a night anyway. So anyways, [laughter] I'm I'm with they love sex. It's a good thing. But I'm beside the the the fat bearded guy. I go, "Holy Lord." Anyways, it turns out not a gay man at all. Turns out this guy when I blacked out had checked me into a rehab.

[00:31:34]>> No. [laughter] >> And she's in there with you.

[00:31:37]>> Yeah. So, I'm I got and then I got robes and a slipper and they wouldn't give me my clothes back and I had to stay in there for 3 days and they they're like, "You're an alcoholic." I go, "No, I'm not." And then apparently that's what alcoholics say, too, you know.

[00:31:51][laughter] >> Uhhuh. So then for three days I had to stay there. I had to go to AA meetings and I'd only been drunk like nine times, right?

[00:32:02]>> So they're like, "What's your worst one?" I go, "I guess the ninth one was bad." You know, that was and and when did you hit bottom? I I said, I don't know. The cool part of it was the girls all get up, right? And they're all their stories are all the same. Whenever they hit bottom, every story is the same.

[00:32:18]They're like, "Oh, uh, when I hit bottom, uh, you know, I I a guy for a drink, you know, you're like, "Oh, [cheering] [laughter] you know, I remember that.

[00:32:33]Couldn't [laughter] [cheering] [applause] we just take them out of the studio for the norm part and then bring them back?

[00:32:56]>> Get a [laughter] salad guard up something.

[00:32:59]>> So anyways, >> all right. Well, that's a nice story.

[00:33:02]>> No, but it's a [laughter] It's a serious It's a serious uh illness, you know.

[00:33:10]>> Alcoholism. It's an ill It's an illness, you know.

[00:33:12]>> Yeah. Yeah.

[00:33:13]>> It's a good illness cuz you get, [laughter] >> you know, there's not a lot of illnesses. You get to be drunk all the time.

[00:33:18]>> Yeah, I know.

[00:33:19]>> That's a corker.

[00:33:23][music] [music] >> You told me that.

[00:33:33]our separate ways.

[00:33:35]>> Earlier today, the biggest auction ever of Beatles memorabilia took place in Tokyo. Among the one-of-a-kind items on the block were Paul McCartney's birth certificate, a white MercedesBenz owned by John Lennon, and rarest of all, a photo of George Harrison not looking haggarded.

[00:33:57][laughter] Have you ever seen one when you think about it? In a recent interview, Paul McCartney confessed that Bob Dylan turned the Beatles on to marijuana. In return, George Harrison turned Dylan on to looking old and haggarded.

[00:34:20]>> I've never seen a picture of George Harrison not haggarded. He's He's somewhere he's behaggarded. He's like belleaguered and haggarded. [laughter] Like he's haggarded with a belleaguered.

[00:34:30]>> Yeah.

[00:34:31]Why you going high? Push me [music] to the side. Just keep going on and [singing] on and I try to crucify all the good [music and singing] inside.

[00:34:45]You going >> Well, a big seller this holiday season is Michael Bolton's Christmas album.

[00:34:50]This is the time. Happy birthday, Jesus.

[00:34:53]Hope you like crap. [laughter] [applause] Norm I think has one of the best lines that probably I only appreciate on network TV history when he was hosting SNL and he was talking about the the new Michael Jack or I was a Michael Bolton Christmas album. Do you remember the line Norm?

[00:35:17]>> Happy birthday Jesus. Hope you like crap. [laughter] >> Kills me to this day.

[00:35:23]It was funny because that joke was originally supposed to be about Mariah Carey, [laughter] but she had some boyfriend that was some crazy dangerous guy and everybody's afraid. [laughter] >> And you figured in an alley you could take a Michael Bolton.

[00:35:37]>> Yeah, exactly.

[00:35:38]>> Although I think Bolton kind of made amends a little bit by appearing in that recent SNL skit.

[00:35:43]>> Hysterical. He's hysterical.

[00:35:44]>> Oh, that was hilarious. Yeah, that was hilarious.

[00:35:46]>> That was good.

[00:35:47]>> And he had a great voice.

[00:35:48]>> He does.

[00:35:49]>> I didn't know.

[00:35:50]>> And the song was kind of catchy. The SNL song was pretty good.

[00:35:53]>> Yeah. Yeah.

[00:35:54]>> In stock market news this week, April's three biggest losers were Canab Pharmaceuticals, Champion Enterprises, and CrapCo.

[00:36:03]Which manufactures crap, and also crap related items. Most recently, Mariah Care's Christmas album name.

[00:36:13][cheering] Kenny G has a Christmas album out this year. Hey, happy birthday Jesus. Hope you like crap.

[00:36:29][cheering] >> Well, I don't know. Playing in a music store in New York this week, Kenny G set a world record by holding a saxophone note for 45 minutes. While he did warn spectators that it would be quite boring, it should be noted that it is every bit as boring to hear Kenny G play different saxophone notes for 45 minutes. [applause] This week, CBS aired the Martha Stewart Christmas special in which she demonstrated that with an old soup can, some used tea bags, some string, and some sparkles, you can make a useless piece of crap.

[00:37:16][applause] Martha Stewart is here and she wanted me to tell you don't let the bus boys clear your table off tonight because a little later Martha will come up here and uh she's going to show us how to take those old discarded fishbones and make a beautiful bird house. So [applause] that's nuts.

[00:37:47]The New York Public Interest Research Group has unveiled its 10th annual list of dangerous tro toys for the upcoming Christmas season. Topping the list this year, baby's first circular saw.

[00:38:03]>> [laughter] >> Well, the annual list of most dangerous holiday toys is out. Number one this year, Mattel's eye poker outer.

[00:38:13][laughter] Well, the US Safety Commission has issued a list of unsafe Christmas toys.

[00:38:24]Topping the list this year, Mattel's gasoline powered sharp thing.

[00:38:30]>> [laughter] >> And finally, the number one selling doll this Christmas is Tickle Me Elmo. And the least popular selling doll, you guessed it, Tickle Me Frank Stallone.

[00:38:48]Jesus.

[00:38:49]Scientists have created a genetically superior Christmas tree that will be taller, stronger, and tougher than other trees. One downside. Uh, if you don't like your presents, it will kill you.

[00:39:05][laughter] It's a hell of a downside there. And finally, this Christmas, Santa Claus will be starting a new look at upto-date shopping malls around the country. They will now feature black Santaas, Asian Santaas, Hispanic Santaas, and even Middle Eastern Santaas. It is all a part of a program to make little children cry.

[00:39:29][laughter] And finally, next week, Christians everywhere will be celebrating Christmas, or as people born on December the 25th call it, screwed out of a present day.

[00:39:47]>> Connected [music] to [singing] our senses.

[00:39:58]Where you going here? You're going to Cobbs in San Francisco. What do you like to do during the days in San Fran to unwind? You go >> I just work up my ventriloquism.

[00:40:06]>> Oh, you that How's that going, Norm?

[00:40:08]>> It's going great, man. I I thought Rusty and I do a little holiday song for you.

[00:40:13]>> Oh, you're kidding me. Let me kick back here and put my feet up in front of the fire. You and Rusty. Which puppet is Rusty? Refresh me.

[00:40:19]>> Rusty is just my f, you know. I'm having a lot of trouble with my uh cranky old man. Uh >> I don't know if you remember old Alec Majarrison, the virulent anti-semite.

[00:40:29]>> Yeah, sure I remember. What are you kidding me? I have a I have a plaque commemorating my first meeting.

[00:40:34]>> I'm trying to get I'm trying to get rid of that guy cuz you know you know he's a Holocaust denier. That's no secret.

[00:40:41][laughter] He's an enthusiastic Holocaust denier. And I've had it up to here with this character. you know, man, [laughter] he's just a waste of wood.

[00:40:52]But I don't know what to do. One of my Jewish friends suggested that, you know, why don't I just throw them in a fire and burn them? But I say two wrongs don't make a right. [laughter] That's We're not here to talk about that. Uh, let me get Rusty out here.

[00:41:09]Rusty.

[00:41:10]>> Rusty, say hello to Dennis.

[00:41:13]>> Hey, Dennis. Hell yeah. How are you?

[00:41:15]Hey, [laughter] Rusty.

[00:41:17]>> What?

[00:41:18]>> Hi, Rusty.

[00:41:20]>> Hey, who's the dummy here? Me or you?

[00:41:23]>> It's me.

[00:41:24]>> It sounds like it's you.

[00:41:26]>> I'm sorry, Rusty. Let me give you my man voice. Hey, Rusty. [laughter] How are you doing?

[00:41:31]>> Yeah, dummy. Hey, come on now, Rusty.

[00:41:33]That's ridiculous.

[00:41:35]Calling Dennis Miller a dummy on his own >> radio program.

[00:41:39]>> No, can I jump in here for a second and tell you here's how crazy Norm is. I'm sitting here believing that he actually has a puppet. Like it's not enough for him to fake the puppet act on the radio and over the phone. He's actually You did pull out a puppet and have it on your arm right now, don't you?

[00:41:54]>> Of course I have a my pal Rusty here.

[00:41:57][laughter] Yay.

[00:41:59]>> What do you boys have planned for us today, Rusty Norm?

[00:42:02]>> We're going to do a song according to this dummy. Would you stop calling me that? You're the dummy. You're the dummy. Now listen. We're going to do a song. A beautiful song.

[00:42:12]Why? By the way, Rusty, what are you doing for Christmas? Are you going to see your family? Oh, sure. In my family tree, it's an actual tree. Okay, now that's just ridiculous. [laughter] >> You're actually overlapping dialogue here, Norm. You're not even putting a second between you and the puppet's voice.

[00:42:30]>> Now, Rusty, are you ready to sing that song with me?

[00:42:35]>> Sure.

[00:42:36]>> There you go.

[00:42:38]>> Okay, I'll start. Here we go. Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose.

[00:42:46]And if you ever saw him, you would say that he was a drunk. Oh, come on.

[00:42:52][laughter] >> Well, that's ridiculous.

[00:42:54]>> What the >> Come on now. This don't ruin This is a classic. I'm sorry. All right, now let's continue. Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to town. Rudolph with your nose so bright. Have you been drinking some bathtub gin? [laughter] What?

[00:43:18]Okay, now that's enough. That's way beyond the pale.

[00:43:21]>> Stop it, Rusty. Stop.

[00:43:22]>> I wish you'd kick the bucket.

[00:43:25]What? Kick the bucket. What are you talking about?

[00:43:31]You said pale. [laughter] Bucket is a synonym. Okay. All right.

[00:43:38][laughter] Yeah, that's right. Okay. Now, that's ridiculous.

[00:43:46]You're the dummy. Okay. I'm sorry, Dennis. This is going nowhere. This is ridiculous.

[00:43:53]I apologize for [laughter] >> I can't go on with this. This is This is This is just an abuse of the whole idea.

[00:44:04]>> All right. Now, what what separates Rusty's old man voice from the old Holocaust deniers voice? What? Give me Give me that voice.

[00:44:11]>> About You don't want to hear from him, do you?

[00:44:14]>> Well, [laughter] Rusty's just wetted the pallet for a little more puppetry.

[00:44:19]>> I swear I'd never use this guy.

[00:44:22]>> It's like the Stones doing Sympathy for the Devil after Alimont. Never thought I'd see you play.

[00:44:27]>> Alec, how are you?

[00:44:28]>> Mhm.

[00:44:29]>> I'm okay, I guess. Yeah, I suppose. What do you What do you think of this Christmas? What do I think of it? I'm not going to celebrate no holiday where a bunch of bearded New Yorkers killed our savior. Hey. Hey, come on now. [laughter] You're going back in the case. I'm sorry, Dennis.

[00:44:52]>> Oh, nothing like that. You didn't quite you didn't quite have control of the posi today, but I realize it's the holidays are amongst us and uh that they're a little petulant this time of year.

[00:45:02]>> I can never keep these guys under control.

[00:45:05]>> Norm, you are an absolute wild man.

[00:45:08]Well, next Tuesday is Halloween or as evil old people know it, Razor Apple Day.

[00:45:17][laughter] According to retailers, the most popular Halloween mask this year is OJ Simpson.

[00:45:28]And the most popular Halloween greeting is, "I'll kill you and that guy who's bringing over your glasses or treats."

[00:45:35][laughter] Ghosts, they don't [ __ ] scare me. I mean, I'm not trying to say I'm a big shot, you know? I mean, I am I am saying [laughter] that I am trying to say that. I'm trying to say I'm no big. I'm not trying to say I'm no [ __ ] tough guy, but I am. I'm a [ __ ] tough guy. [laughter] [ __ ] p. No, but I'm saying I'm not afraid of ghosts.

[00:46:04][laughter] And I'll tell you why. First of all, they're invisible and [ __ ] And when you, let's say they go to punch you, right? Their [ __ ] hand goes right through your body. [laughter] I'm not scared of that [ __ ] Like the guy that scares me is the guy that when he punches me and then his hand doesn't [ __ ] disadvant [laughter] that [ __ ] I don't like him.

[00:46:28]The ghost I like. [laughter] And then like you know one time I one time I went to a hotel and they had a [ __ ] ghost. Was there is that a ghost in there? And you think you wouldn't put that on the front of the hotel.

[00:46:44][laughter] some people might not show up not wanting to be haunted by a ghost.

[00:46:51]But anyways, people would show up at this hotel and uh I had to [ __ ] stay there. And anyways, it said there was this woman that was a [ __ ] ghost and her name was the uh the woman in the blue dress, you know, and she haunted the halls of evidently.

[00:47:08]Anyway, [laughter] I thought it was a reckless nickname.

[00:47:12]First of all, I would have called her the ghost. [laughter] I think that was her defining quality.

[00:47:19]Nothing.

[00:47:21]I've seen blue dresses before. Nothing terrifying about them. [laughter] But uh anyways, so the ghost shows up and what is the ghost really? All they can do is [ __ ] startle you. You're like, "Ah, what the [ __ ] I hear a ghost." You know [laughter] what are you going to do? hang around all the time. They're like, "Ah." You're like, "Yeah, okay." [laughter] Cuz at first you'd be startled, but by, you know, 6 months, you're like, "Yeah, you scared me out again. [laughter] I was scared again." They're like, "Ah."

[00:47:54]You're like, "Hey, why are you still here? I I forgot." [laughter] And they're whiny, [clears throat] those [ __ ] ghosts, aren't they? Jesus, god damn. They're always like, "Ah, I've got to stay here." And you're like, "Why?"

[00:48:08]And they're like, "Ah, because unfinished business, I must come to peace with it." Ah. And then you're like, "What about me, you [ __ ] [laughter] I'm the same I got the same problems as you, except you can walk through the [ __ ] walls.

[00:48:27]I'd much rather be you, a ghost."

[00:48:29][laughter] Anyway, and of course the most frightening is the Count Dracula. You know that [ __ ] The vampire. No, the vampire does not.

[00:48:42]The vampire is the oddest one to me cuz they go, "Listen, the [ __ ] vampire is around today. You know, I heard he was around." [laughter] So, uh, we got to get [ __ ] garlic and all this [ __ ] and everything and silver bullets. And then we get a a 2x6 and cue it, you know, so we get the proper then we get a [ __ ] wooden mallet, we got as the beast descends upon us.

[00:49:09]We must strike him, you know, in the center of his chest and uh explode his heart and kill this ancient uh plague, you know, [laughter] because if we don't, if we make one small mistake, he'll bite our necks and then we'll be immortal. [laughter] What was that last part?

[00:49:30]What's what? I didn't hear the last part. [laughter] and they bite your neck and you get to be a cool vampire forever. [laughter] Unless someone tricks you and makes you a pile of dust, which would also be a cool way to go out, [laughter] but uh you get to be a vampire and then you're sexy. So vampires are now sexy, which is cool. You know, women love vampires. You probably love vampires, right? Yeah, I don't know what it is, but man, women love vampires like uh like babies love stray dogs, you know?

[00:50:12]They [laughter] they're touching somewhere deep within their soul. [laughter] I don't know what the [ __ ] I don't know what it is.

[00:50:22]I'm no doctor.

[00:50:26][laughter] Sometimes I claim to be a doctor, but it's all in good fun.

[00:50:31][laughter] enjoy performing experiments on the human body sometimes. And if you like that sort of thing, you have to be pretend to be a doctor. [laughter] It's pretty much the only way they'll let you do it.

[00:50:46]I have the suit at home. [laughter] >> In my opinion, if we're going to fight the war on terror, a good place to start would be our country's haunted houses.

[00:51:00][laughter] But when I was a kid, I went to the haunted house at the state fair and my dad did not want to pay the 50 cents to get in to the haunted house and it was like this trailer with ghosts and stuff.

[00:51:13]My dad goes, "That's no goddamn haunted house." So I'm like, "Sure it is." He goes, "No, it's not. It's got wheels on it. It drives around. The ghosts have come right out." [laughter] Like ruined it forever.

[00:51:27][music] >> [music] >> So, unless you've been living under a rock, uh, Star Wars, I I do not understand why people stand in line for days and days and days. They can't see the movie in two weeks. I mean, they don't have jobs. In any event, so I went to see Star Wars. I have never seen any of the Star Wars. And I felt terrible about it until I learned that you never saw the first one.

[00:52:03]>> I never saw any of them.

[00:52:04]>> No, you never saw any of them. You never wanted to see Star Wars.

[00:52:07]>> No, I never seen I never liked them.

[00:52:10]>> I don't like those science fiction cuz my dad always hated them. And you know how you you you try to be what your dad you try to be. You know what I mean?

[00:52:19]>> And I remember when I was a kid, I watched that Twilight Zone. Remember that show? Yeah.

[00:52:23]>> And oh my god, my dad hated it cuz it was too fantastical and he thought I should be doing the chores. And I remember one time me and my brother were watching Star Wars Star Wars [laughter] going on.

[00:52:38]We only have two more minutes.

[00:52:40]>> I was just giving you a little backstory, but me and my brother were watching the Twilight Zone and then my dad walked by and we were watching and we were all excited about this Twilight Zone. And then my dad walked by and he looked at like the screen and he said, "I suppose this one's a goddamn ghost."

[00:52:54]>> Oh, well that was funny. Okay.

[00:52:56][laughter] >> Anyway, we're going to give our preview.

[00:53:00]>> Okay. And finally, next Thursday, Americans everywhere will celebrate the holiday of Thanksgiving, or as turkeys refer to it, murder day.

[00:53:10]>> I got a list of things that I'm thankful for every year. I make them on the day before Thanksgiving, >> right? so I can make a little speech, you know, >> right?

[00:53:18]>> And uh I like I like if if you'll have me to to read my list.

[00:53:23]>> Yeah, I'm going to not even interrupt you. You take your time.

[00:53:26]>> Well, firstly, I'm thankful for the fine ladies who live across this country and leave pies on their window sills so an old chunk of coal like me might have a meal from time to time. [laughter] I'm thankful for for all of my five children, especially the one that I like. [laughter] I'm thankful for the simple things in life, like like bread. [laughter] Although I've never tried it myself, I I hear it's quite good.

[00:54:00]I'm very thankful for the the brave man who pulled me from a burning building last April and unfortunately perished in the process. [laughter] I'll never forget him. You know, I don't remember his name, but I think he had a mustache. [laughter] >> Jesus, Lord.

[00:54:20]>> Of course, I'm thankful for being able to to do standup comedy for a living.

[00:54:24]You know, there's nothing more gratifying than to to step on a stage before a a quiet crowd and with my comedy slowly turn them into an unruly mob. [laughter] I'm thankful for women, the greatest creatures on earth. Because without women, Dennis, there would be no cookies. [laughter] >> I'm thankful for women.

[00:54:53]>> There you go.

[00:54:54]>> Greatest creatures on earth.

[00:54:55]>> That's all right. We'll get behind that one.

[00:54:57]>> I think women are more intelligent than men.

[00:55:03]Also, uh, Conan, without women, there would be no cookies.

[00:55:09][laughter] >> I'm glad that this year the police finally solved the baffling murder of Marggo Hemingway. [laughter] >> Hey, I'm thankful that this year the police finally solved the baffling murder of Bob Hope.

[00:55:30][laughter] No, the Burbank police and the LA. Uh, and finally, [laughter] >> and this is on a serious note.

[00:55:43]>> Oh. Oh. Oh. The baffling murder of Bob Hope was was >> And finally, what I'm most thankful for, of course, is serious, you know, is friends. Yes, friends. Especially that one where Joey buys Chandler a duck.

[00:55:58][laughter] That's the one I like the best.

[00:56:04][laughter] >> Norm, I I I don't even think we punctuate that. I think it is such a beautiful list that we we appreciate you calling and we are thankful for your continued patronage here and you have a good time in Hawaii. Happy Thanksgiving, my friend.

[00:56:18]>> Oh, yeah. Give your give my love to your family, buddy.

[00:56:20]>> What I what I'm most thankful for, honest to God, is friends.

[00:56:25]>> Oh, >> you know.

[00:56:26]>> Yeah.

[00:56:26]>> Yes. Conan, friends. Especially [laughter] the one where Joey buys Chandler a [applause] hell was that all baby? [music] Everything's better with you by my side.

[00:56:53][music] a movie tonight.

[00:56:58]Pour a couple drinks and feeling [music] fine.

[00:57:02]>> Have you ever been with a porno girl?

[00:57:05]>> Yes.

[00:57:05]>> A professional pornography person?

[00:57:08]>> Several times. Yes.

[00:57:09]>> Oh, several times. And how does that see that would intimidate me because I I would think, you know how when you're in bed sometimes and you're like, "Ah, you're doing something that you think you invented."

[00:57:18]>> Have you ever done that? And then she >> I did invent it. [laughter] I'm still thinking that. I believe it >> because often times it might have just been the pornographers's girl's husband that actually invented it.

[00:57:30]>> Well, I don't know that the husband's the spouses of people in pornography are sexual pioneers. I imagine that they are like shuffling little unics in the sexual they've married a person who's working in pornography. If you're prepared to make that fouian impact, where are you psychologically?

[00:57:46]>> Yeah. Well, you go out with them.

[00:57:48]>> This is a casual interchange. That's so like you know I'm making more of a commitment to you by sitting [laughter] here.

[00:57:56]So I mean it's not on a voyage.

[00:58:00]>> Yes. But like for me look what you got to think of don't see sex as some treacherous deceitful grubby little act. It can be that. But see it instead as I see it as a beautiful confluence. And then women in pornography they're if you treat them very very very lovingly and graciously it awakens within them. In addition to their skill and their willingness to experiment there's an incredible I don't know viv an incredible libido in its literal sense life force that you can be accessed. I don't think be intimidated sexually unless it's by some sort of strata of being you don't typically want to have sex with like a a cow [clears throat] or a camel or in my case a man.

[00:58:42]>> Yes. That would have be intimidating for me. I don't know how all of the orififices work.

[00:58:45]>> Yeah. Yeah. I think that's exactly the same >> with a camel.

[00:58:49]>> Yeah. Well, I'm an old chug of coal. I'm near 50.

[00:58:51]>> Uhhuh.

[00:58:52]>> I'm on the same uh Viagra doses that they give to the to the donkey of the second show until you.

[00:59:00][laughter] >> That's what my doctor told me. I envy you because you have obviously you're a more enlightened person. See, I think of sex as a shameful, filthy act. Catholic?

[00:59:11]Are you?

[00:59:12]>> No.

[00:59:13]>> Oh. Where have you picked this up?

[00:59:14]>> I grew up that way and and I >> and the farm watching animals doing it in rural Canada being ransacked against timber.

[00:59:23]>> Sour a s >> sa >> they listen.

[00:59:27]>> We were pig farmers.

[00:59:28]>> They're they're not gracious creatures when it comes to conjugal matters. I recently had an inter >> worst oral sex you could imagine.

[00:59:36]>> Horrible gums >> sort of yellowing mers. I would never engage in sex with anything porcene. I I see once I went around a friend's house, they had a pig. They thought it was an angle. I go there goes, "Oh, the pig's coming out." And I could hear it. This desperate respiratory announcements preceded its arrival. It come out blind.

[00:59:57]It was shuffled out at me and they went with a pig. And you'll know this being from the world of farming. Never. They said never take a step back once that pig comes out. Otherwise, the pig owns the hierarchal status between the two of you. In fact, take a step towards the pig. Never did I deny my nature more.

[01:00:13]I'm vegetarian than stepping towards this unholy looking creature. I did it anyway.

[01:00:18]>> It is an unholy creature. For God's sakes, Jesus threw the demons in them and let them go over the I once saw a video and I don't search out these videos, but you know when guys show them to you, they go, "You'll want to see this." And you're like, "Ah, Jesus."

[01:00:31]>> And then there's no one seeing it, you know, but it was a it was a guy having it was a se a pig having sex with a lady.

[01:00:37]>> I've seen that. And I [laughter] >> they have prehens they have prehensile penises. They call like cork screws.

[01:00:44]It's like their penis is its own independent entity trying to get away from the pig which all of us can identify with. Ghastly.

[01:00:50]>> But I felt sorry uh for the pig because here's the pig having sex with a beautiful woman. Then they throw him back in the sty. You know, >> you know what I'm saying?

[01:01:01]>> It's like a cruel thing to do. It's like the midpoint of trading places.

[01:01:06][laughter] It's very very unfair thing to do that.

[01:01:10]>> You actually think that they that they would like a man's sperm.

[01:01:16]>> A human >> a human being sperm. A woman.

[01:01:19]>> Well, who?

[01:01:20]>> A woman.

[01:01:20]>> A woman would like a man's sperm. Well, yeah. She's been biologically programmed.

[01:01:26]>> Not necessarily through her mouth, but I think there's a point where a little bit of deviation from the linear uh realms of sex is okay, mate. But when you sort of take a big radical turn like isn't that stuff like living? Isn't that like those animals little tiny tadpoles or something?

[01:01:44]>> I [clears throat] didn't know it was going to have to get this deep. All right then. [laughter] >> Yeah, they're like little tadpoles. But like you know the cells in the woman's mouth, the woman's basically the same genetic material as us anyway. I mean it's only a confluence, you know, an interaction of mamalian material. Now you could argue well so is it with the pig but there's an important one or 2% of genetic difference that I think has to be observed in conjugal matters between species. That's my position.

[01:02:09]>> I agree with you completely. But a human being I think any little [music] more forever.

[01:02:28]>> What what what would you think is wronger >> wrong in >> more wrong? What would you think is more wrong? having sex with a child human being or an adult pig.

[01:02:42]>> Like [snorts] you've got to do one.

[01:02:43]That's the >> You got to do one. Yeah. You're on a deserted island.

[01:02:46]>> It's not me. It's some hypothetical person.

[01:02:48]>> You're on a deserted island with a singleated. It's not me. It's this person called Doug. Doug is on this island.

[01:02:55]>> Doug is on.

[01:02:55]>> Do it with Look, I won't have sex with a child because I think it I think the pig may not be as bothered as a child. I think it could have huge psychological impact on the child. So, out of compassion, I would advise Doug to do it with the pig and to leave the child alone because of the potential psychological impact. Even though the child's on a bloody island anyway, that's going to mess him up. All that Robins and Cruso crap.

[01:03:15]>> How old are you?

[01:03:16]>> Well, that's nonsequitous.

[01:03:18]>> What kind of What kind of wretched do you have?

[01:03:21]>> Hold on a second. Mine's marvelous. But like, but this but they say I >> cuz mine is bendy. This is my problem.

[01:03:27]Everything's going well with the lady.

[01:03:30]Yes, you've got >> and I have my erection. Gorgeous.

[01:03:33]Straight. Little bit of a swan turn towards the back which helps with the G-spot that I can so I can manage that using >> G-spot. You can actually find that.

[01:03:40][laughter] >> Mate, what are you doing in that bedroom? What are you getting up there?

[01:03:43]>> I can't the clitoris the G-spot. I couldn't even find a guy's balls if I had to. [laughter] >> Well, you don't need to do that, mate.

[01:03:50]You're not determined to on accounts of your predilictions. But you've got to know where the how their equipment works.

[01:03:55]>> Yeah, I just guess.

[01:03:56]>> I can help you out.

[01:03:57]>> How would you do that? I just give you some basic techniques, some B, >> right? And I I get the I get the mood going.

[01:04:04]>> I get I get I have four covers and a big quilt >> and [laughter] then >> Well, I'm getting hard.

[01:04:10]>> I turn >> with your big Snoopy bed. [laughter] >> Have a Snoopy bed. I have >> four covers in a quilt.

[01:04:16]>> No, I have one of those beds that go like it's actually sexy. It moves up and down.

[01:04:20]>> Woman's house. [laughter] >> What is it?

[01:04:23]>> Then I get the move.

[01:04:24]>> Who wrote your house? John Steinbeck.

[01:04:26][laughter] Then I get the mood going. I turn down the lights till it's stigy and black.

[01:04:34][clears throat] >> And then I climb underneath the covers.

[01:04:36]I lay on top of the lady for four or five minutes. [laughter] And she doesn't seem to enjoy it.

[01:04:42]>> No, it sounds like an assault. It's like >> But one time I tried this animalistic approach where, you know, the lady is on the her hands and knees. You know that?

[01:04:51]>> Yeah.

[01:04:51]>> That [clears throat] position.

[01:04:52]>> I do know it.

[01:04:53]>> Yeah. Named after a dog like rather reductive bit. It's reductive cuz anything's got four legs.

[01:05:00]>> Yes. Exactly. Exactly. Anyways, I go to put my [ __ ] in and it starts [laughter] >> it starts bending. It's like >> which direction?

[01:05:09]>> Well, I have a kind of long [ __ ] but it's not thick. [laughter] >> Turns out they they only enjoy thick ones. But so it goes like this then it pencil. So it's like a medical. You seen like a you know when an inch worm [laughter] >> it's more than an inch but you know when a when a 12 and 1/2 inch worm goes [laughter] >> I don't know this creature nor >> because your erection is banging on your belly every morning whereas when you reach my age I'm an old chunk of coal I'm 49 I'm damn near 50 I've seen more sunsets than I'm going to see let's be honest >> now you uh recently gave a speech at the University of Iowa and I'm told that 80% of the audience walked What? What did What could you possibly have said to them to make 80% of them walk out?

[01:05:56]>> It wasn't a speech. It was like some stand up.

[01:05:58]>> Yeah. What did you say to them?

[01:06:00]>> I was just talking like I don't have a my stand back. I just talk about whatever I'm thinking about.

[01:06:05]>> Mhm.

[01:06:06]>> Like at the time it was about uh having sex with animal.

[01:06:10]>> Uhhuh.

[01:06:12]>> But it wasn't like weird. It was like I'm not I'm not in favor. I'm not in favor of it. But I I was just talking about it cuz I thought it was odd like they have a word for it. beastiality >> and nobody I know has ever done it.

[01:06:23]Nobody I know, you know what I mean? I I've never known anybody that's ever known anybody that's ever had sex with animals. But a lot of people are having sex with animals and I kind of they got that word beastiality. It's in the dictionary.

[01:06:35]>> It ain't easy to get a word in the dictionary.

[01:06:37]>> So somebody's doing it.

[01:06:38]>> Somebody's got to be going, "Hey man, uh you animals. Hey, >> you got to come up with a word."

[01:06:44]Whatever. So I I can't remember what joke, but it was some joke about like I said, I feel uh sorry for the uh animal because you know they get to have sex with a super hot lady and then the next day they bring him back another pig, [laughter] you know, because the pig initially he was having sex with another pig. He didn't know he's Hey, this is a nice looking it's a nice looking thing. But then they go, you know, [laughter] and then I also said I feel sorry for imagine if you watch one of those video, you know, of a guy, a a pig having sex with a woman and then you recognize that, hey, isn't that that woman that wouldn't go out with me?

[01:07:25][laughter] You feel good. It was just harmless jokes. I >> Now you have children, right, by your previous marriage?

[01:07:37]>> I have a boy. I have a little boy. How old is he?

[01:07:39]>> He's 8 years old.

[01:07:40]>> Now, would you like him to go into stand up?

[01:07:43]>> Uh, a standup comedy.

[01:07:44]>> Yeah.

[01:07:45]>> Uh, >> it's a good job, isn't it?

[01:07:48]>> It's not It's kind of tough on uh on 8-year-olds.

[01:07:52]>> Yeah. Well, maybe when he got older.

[01:07:54]>> Maybe when he gets older, you know.

[01:07:55]>> Would you would you if you went to see him talk and he told you that joke about start telling you the joke about the pig, would you be offended or would you say, "Son, that's a great joke. I'm so proud I told you that joke." [laughter] I I would laugh at that joke because it's not as long as a joke doesn't uh promote a bad thing. You know, you can comment sort of you comment on a bad thing, you can do a joke about cigarettes, it doesn't mean you're you want people to smoke.

[01:08:21]>> You're actually discouraging women from having sex with pigs. Right.

[01:08:24]>> Exactly. I am against it. I am solid.

[01:08:26]>> Okay. Well, on that note, thank you, Norman McDonald, for being >> I like some pornography, you know. I I uh sometimes I just get so repelled by it, you know. Well, you have those friends of yours go, "Hey, man. I got a video of a guy [ __ ] a pig." Like, I [laughter] don't care. I don't Yeah, it's on my computer.

[01:08:48]I'm a computer expert.

[01:08:52]Yeah, I got I'm right into the computer.

[01:08:54]I can I got snakes coming out of lady's asses. Okay, I can show it to you. Come on, my I'm like, "No, that's all right.

[01:08:59]I don't want to see [ __ ] a I didn't even think that was real, you know? That's beastiality, right? That's what they call it. Beastiality. That's a real thing, man. I never heard of a dude doing that. Like, no. But I know a lot of people, man. None of them to my knowledge that ever [ __ ] an animal.

[01:09:21]You know what I mean? I never even heard a guy knew a guy. You know what I mean?

[01:09:28]But I I know that people [ __ ] animals on they got that word beastiality. You know what I mean? That That's not easy getting a [ __ ] word.

[01:09:38]You know what I mean? It's hard getting a word going. They had to have calls at the goddamn dictionary office going, "Hey man, what the [ __ ] am I supposed to say when I [ __ ] my hand? [laughter] I got no words. No words.

[01:09:52]You guys got to put a word there in the dictionary.

[01:09:58]I got some lobbying going there because people are [ __ ] animals. I don't understand.

[01:10:05]I feel sorry for the animal cuz that's not consenting. And [laughter] also, man, can you imagine if you're a pig, you know, and you're having sex with a beautiful lady, right? And then afterwards, you got to go home, [ __ ] a pig, [laughter] right? Before you didn't know, you were like, "Hey, this pig's all right."

[01:10:27]Right? You don't know it's a dirty pig.

[01:10:31]Then you're having sex with a beautiful lady. Then they're like, "Yeah, go [ __ ] pigs again." Like you're like, "You're dirty bastard.

[01:10:39][laughter] You burn me."

[01:10:46]What if you're watch get this, man? What if you're What if you're watching one of those movies, right? And you're saying, "Hey, man. There's a pig [ __ ] a lady." And then you're like, "Hey, wait a second. That's that lady that wouldn't dance with me last Friday.

[01:11:02]She's [ __ ] a pig, man. She lives a dancing.

[01:11:08]It's terrible. I mean, >> just dirty for no reason. But but that that computer stuff that is just all filth, you know? I never I don't see anything. Everybody say, "Ah, man.

[01:11:21]Everything's going to be different.

[01:11:23]Everything If you get a computer, then I get a computer." I go, "Well, what the [ __ ] do I do with it?" They go, "Hey, you can email people. It's amazing.

[01:11:32]You write in there and then it goes into people." And I'm like, "Well, what about a [ __ ] phone, man?"

[01:11:39]That's even more amazing to me. I hear a dude's voice in China, [laughter] right?

[01:11:46]Like a couple hundred years ago.

[01:11:56]>> Oh, Lord. love [laughter] that. But you know, no matter what your sexual proclivity, is that a word? Proclivity. I know it's [laughter] I don't know what it means.

[01:12:06]I only know nine 10 words, but I bank on other people not knowing that too.

[01:12:15]But um whatever your sexual as long as you don't, you know, have sex with uh with animals, I think that's terror.

[01:12:24]wrong thing because they're not cons maybe they're consenting but we don't know [laughter] the animals could be going hey I don't know why people are stopping this I said yes you know >> no means no I said [ __ ] oink [laughter] that's what I say when I want to get [ __ ] oink [laughter] but you There's just there's no way of telling a freaking I'm like that Harvard professor Arthur Miller, you know, to talk about law. But anyway, point is this. The whole point is this. I don't I don't know what that [laughter] I was getting one of those flashbacks.

[01:13:18]I don't think be intimidated sexually unless it's by some sort of strata of being you don't typically want to have sex with like a a cow or a camel or in my case a man.

[01:13:27]>> Yes.

[01:13:28]>> That would be intimidating for me. I don't know how all of the orififices work.

[01:13:31]>> Yeah. Yeah. I think that's exactly the same >> with a camel.

[01:13:34]>> Yeah. Well, I'm an old chug of coal. I'm near 50.

[01:13:37]>> Uhhuh. I'm on the same uh uh Viagra doses that they give to the to the donkey of the second show until you want it. [laughter] >> I've taken so many Viagra now.

[01:13:53]>> I tell you this.

[01:13:54]>> What's that, Nor?

[01:13:55]>> My doctor told me I'm on the same dose that they give to the donkey for the second show in Tijuana. Okay, now listen [applause] >> for the second show. You know, >> why do I continue to have you on >> and yet I love it.

[01:14:12]>> No, the second show.

[01:14:14]>> The [laughter] respecting it in such a responsible way.

[01:14:19]It's that terrible detrimental act of beastiality. Don't give that donkey too much Viagra. [laughter] We're not monsters, right? Go and [ __ ] that human being for the entertainment of the children of God.

[01:14:31]>> [music] [music] >> It's a while. [music] >> Do you think is wrong wronger?

[01:14:48]>> Wrong in >> more wrong. What would you think is more wrong? Having sex with a child human being or an adult pig?

[01:14:59]Like you've got to do one. That's the >> You got to do one. Yeah. You're on a deserted island.

[01:15:03]>> It's not me. It's some hypothetical person with a singleated. It's not me. It's this person called Doug. I won't have sex with a child because I think I think the pig may not be as bothered as a child. I think it could have huge psychological impact on the child. So out of compassion, I would advise Doug to do it with the pig and to leave the child alone because of the potential psychological impact. Even though the child's on a bloody island anyway, that's going to mess him up. pull out Robins and Cruso crap and the farm watching animals doing it in rural Canada being ransacked against timber >> sa a s >> sa >> they listen >> we were pig farmers >> they're they're not gracious creatures when it comes to conjugal matters I've recently had an >> worst oral sex you could imagine >> horrible gums >> sort of yellowing mers I would never engage in sex with anything porcene >> well if you're not homophobic IC. Why not whack off your friend that's a gay guy? Like, what's stopping you? Or blowing him or letting him [ __ ] in the ass.

[01:16:04]>> What's stopping you? You're not getting anything out of it, but he's having a hell of a time.

[01:16:08]>> Come on. It would be like that. It's kind of It is kind of gross, you know, if you're not into it cuz it's like like why not jerk your dog off? You know, your dog probably likes it, but that's because it's gross.

[01:16:21]>> He's a weird one, man. [laughter] >> How many people though? Seriously. No, I agree with you. It's gross. But do you think that happens a lot? Like lonely people in their dogs up their dogs.

[01:16:31]>> Oh yeah. Every time I see a woman walking down the street with a real big dog, I'm like, "Oh, they're going out."

[01:16:37]>> Women.

[01:16:37]>> No. They get their dogs to either go down on them. You know, John Abttow recently and I'm apologizing to him.

[01:16:43]>> Oh, but his dog is sexy.

[01:16:46][laughter] >> Now, as an oldtimey broadcaster, do you have other oldtimey broadcaster friends?

[01:16:53]Well, they're they're dead. And then Mike Wallace was a great friend. I love Mike. He did me on 60 Minutes and they was really great. They were very laudiatory.

[01:17:03]>> And he said to me, "We were so good to you. I'm going to kill the next three guys we do." Mike was a grand guy.

[01:17:09]>> I said he had dementia at the end.

[01:17:12][laughter] And that's funny to you. You know, McDonald, I want to tell you.

[01:17:18]>> No, it's a very odd thing to say. If you're looking If you're looking to broaden your horizons, I don't think it's wise [laughter] >> to laugh because someone who had dementia.

[01:17:29]>> I'm not laughing that. I'm laughing that you said >> uh >> he was the best. You just said >> I loved him.

[01:17:36]>> Mike, a great guy. He had dementia at the end.

[01:17:39]>> He was sad that he had Why is that funny?

[01:17:42]>> You said it as if that's what made him a great guy was his raging dementia.

[01:17:46]>> You're not hearing things. Well, >> no. So, how >> not hearing things? I made a face like it was sad. [laughter] >> Not that he was great because of dementia.

[01:17:54]>> No, but how did you know he had dementia?

[01:17:57][laughter] >> Okay, I'll tell you how I knew. I went to his apartment in New York. He took my hand and he said, "You came to see me.

[01:18:07]You came to see I can't believe that you came to see me." And then 10 minutes later, you came to see me. And the amazing thing is Carl Ran said to me, >> did you hold your hand?

[01:18:22]>> I'm gonna do Yeah. The only problem I have is short-term memory loss. The only problem I have is short-term memory.

[01:18:29][laughter] >> There must be a story about a guy who was who uh because it was such a good story.

[01:18:38]A guy who had uh who had uh a guy who had surgery and uh oh I can't remember the joke.

[01:18:52]>> I can't either. I can't either. And I did >> I remember the punch line.

[01:18:56]>> What was the punch line? Punch line is >> reverse engineer this >> and Monday morning that man walked out of the hospital Thursday he reached the parking lot. So I can't remember backup.

[01:19:08]>> Yeah, >> it's a hell of a punch line regardless.

[01:19:11]>> Yeah, it almost works by itself. We got jokes written on cards. Do you want to read them? How's your reading?

[01:19:17]>> I read well.

[01:19:18]>> You read well. We'll read this.

[01:19:19]>> Why have you got that?

[01:19:20]>> Huh? Just a fill in.

[01:19:22]>> Whenever we have No. Whenever we have great comedians on that joke now, I can't remember that.

[01:19:30]>> Say the punch line again.

[01:19:32]>> Thursday reached the parking lot.

[01:19:33]>> But Monday he left the the >> Monday morning.

[01:19:37]>> He left the building. He He Monday morning >> he was he was allowed out of the hospital.

[01:19:44]>> He walked out of the Yeah. No.

[01:19:47]>> What the hell? Is that funny not to remember the joke?

[01:19:50]>> Yeah. [snorts] >> Thank God that guy that stole it from you remembers that.

[01:19:55]>> She would [laughter] be lost to you remember the setup.

[01:19:59]>> It's funny when the you know the punch and you forget the setup.

[01:20:02]>> Yeah. Should be >> Monday morning.

[01:20:07]He [laughter] was >> thought he had a stroke for a second.

[01:20:14]>> He was in a hospital. Yeah.

[01:20:16]>> Yeah.

[01:20:18][music] [music] [music] Yeah. But I remember things from 10 years ago like that.

[01:20:35]>> Yeah. Don't you have he could remember things from a childhood? Yes. Remember the street, walking down the street, remembering my friends. You have terrible.

[01:20:42]>> Yeah. Terrible.

[01:20:42]>> I had good memory.

[01:20:43]>> He can remember like when he was a kid, but he can't remember murdering that prostitute last night. [laughter] >> You can go to jail for that. It's a whole new law. [laughter] >> How old is she?

[01:20:56]>> I don't remember.

[01:20:58]>> If you don't remember, you you're not going to convict.

[01:21:01]>> What do you This is what you never hear.

[01:21:04]Uh, he made love to me in the ass.

[01:21:06][laughter] >> That is true. You never hear that.

[01:21:13][laughter] >> God, we're building to the end of the show.

[01:21:19]You got to top that one though.

[01:21:20]>> The point is that Andy Dick was actually kicked off a porno award show for being too offensive.

[01:21:26]>> Well, they're giving away Yeah. awards for best.

[01:21:29]>> You No. Yeah, I know, right? So, what could you have possibly done that was more offensive?

[01:21:35]>> Wait, wait, wait. Are you saying anal is somehow offensive?

[01:21:39]>> No. To some pe Not to me.

[01:21:41]>> I know. No.

[01:21:42]>> I think I was being drunk and disorderly.

[01:21:46]>> I [clears throat] must see that video I was going to show you where the girl shoves her foot up that dude's [ __ ] I >> I can't get that vision out of my mind.

[01:21:54]I remember. Yeah.

[01:21:55]>> Yeah.

[01:21:55]>> Every Yeah.

[01:21:56]>> What do you got? Any symptoms? I know a lot of stuff.

[01:21:59]>> Bleeding. bleeding from my anus internally, I think. I mean, no, that's not a joke. That's That's true.

[01:22:06]>> Well, I know it's not a joke.

[01:22:08]>> I don't know. I haven't seen I haven't I haven't >> I've been around jokes my whole life, >> right? Well, I mean, I wasn't trying to be funny. That's Yeah. Um >> So, you're >> I'm bleeding internally, I think.

[01:22:18]>> So, >> you know what [laughter] I mean?

[01:22:22]You're really bleeding from your >> I really am >> because you gave up that entire lifestyle that that would make me think you were still bleeding from the anus.

[01:22:34]But you told me you'd given that all up.

[01:22:36]>> You're talking about alcohol, right?

[01:22:38]>> Yeah.

[01:22:38]>> Yeah.

[01:22:39]>> But how you love to to go to those bars and get real drunk. [laughter] >> Yeah. I'd >> And then the next day you'd wake up and you'd be bleeding from the anus. What's the color of the blood that's coming out of >> Well, the good thing is it's not dark.

[01:22:51]It's not It's brighter.

[01:22:52]>> If it's bright red, it's coming from the rectal area. Okay.

[01:22:56]>> It's not as dangerous.

[01:22:58]>> Well, that's good. I haven't had a physical since I was 16. I'm terrified.

[01:23:01]>> And you're 30 what?

[01:23:03]>> 34.

[01:23:05]It's been a while.

[01:23:06]>> Yeah.

[01:23:06]>> About 18 years. So, hopefully number six on the muscle list. We maybe the money will start coming. I'll be able to see that that uh doctor. And uh let's not talk about your ass and [ __ ] all the time.

[01:23:19]>> No, I don't want to talk about it.

[01:23:20]>> It's unsemly. It's unsettling. It's both unsettling and unseemly >> to me.

[01:23:27]>> Yeah.

[01:23:28]>> You know what I mean?

[01:23:29]>> No, I do. I do. I mean, you brought up health and you asked about my health. I was just trying to be honest, you know.

[01:23:33]>> Yeah. But you're you're as fit as a fiddle.

[01:23:36]>> Sure. Let's go with that.

[01:23:38]>> Well, you are. I think you're >> Absolutely.

[01:23:39]>> Yeah.

[01:23:41]>> A new hangover-free vodka is on the market. Now, the ads claim that the 80 proof vodka is so pure, it's virtually headache-free. But before you run out and buy it, remember it causes massive anal bleeding.

[01:24:07]Well, troubles continue for New York Senator Alons Damato. A week after offending many Japanese Americans with his impression of Judge Lanceo, the senator entered a New York hospital, complaining of mild chest pains this week, attending physician, Dr. Hikuru Akosaki, examined the senator and found nothing serious. then performed a 6-hour rectal exam just to be sure.

[01:24:33][applause] At the Davis County Jail in Utah, this in a judge has ordered that 17-year-old Wes Howard be placed in the general prison population after he complained of being unfairly segregated from the adult inmates. The judge came to this decision over the strenuous objection of Wes Howard's ass.

[01:24:59]>> [applause] >> Well, according to a new Entertainment Weekly poll, 72% of their readers say they would not be offended if a TV show lead character were gay. Though that figure shrinks to 1% when these same readers are reminded that being gay can involve anal sex.

[01:25:33]ability, you know, it's always like, "Hey, my dad, you know, anally raped me or something, you know?" I mean, who of us haven't been anally raped by their father? I mean, really.

[01:25:47][music] I've been searching [music] for what's missing.

[01:25:56]But the answer, [singing] >> you know, I don't see you that much cuz I heard you're afraid. You don't like flying. You really don't like flying.

[01:26:05]>> No, I don't care for flying.

[01:26:06]>> And you don't like one of the things and I don't know if it's true, but you don't like it because they search you at the airports now.

[01:26:11]>> Yeah. Well, I went to Canada, you know, my uh my home land, and I decided to go there, and uh they wanted to uh search me, you know, and I I said, cuz I know a lot of this involves, you know, when they search you, they, you know, they always want to search your ass.

[01:26:28]>> So, I said, [laughter] >> well, not always.

[01:26:32]>> Well, they don't always want to go down there.

[01:26:36]>> That's what this character wanted.

[01:26:38][laughter] He thought there was something suspicious looking about my ass. So he's like, so he's like I go, "Well, when we go in the back place, are you going to take me in the black place?" Any any chance you're going to search my ass?

[01:26:50]>> And [laughter] u cuz I don't even want to know what's in my ass. So he's uh he said uh he said, "Well, yes, sir. That's what we will be doing." So I said, "You know what? I don't care for Canada that much. [laughter] >> It's not worth that."

[01:27:03]>> I just went home. Canada is a nice place and everything like that, but uh >> Well, also the way you say it, and I'm just going to point this out. When you go up to someone, any chance you're going to search my ass, it almost sounds like you want them to.

[01:27:13]>> That sounds bad. Did you notice that?

[01:27:14]>> That's true.

[01:27:15]>> It sounds a little When the way you say it, it's like, hey, any chance you're going to check the old ass? That sounds like you're wanting them to do it, which might cause problems.

[01:27:23]>> Well, you know, John Glenn actually got searched. I read in the newspaper, you know, astronaut, the astronaut, they actually >> they actually uh uh he he wanted to get on a plane and they decided to search him because of his this incredible danger he poses to >> he walked on the damn moon. [laughter] >> You think you get a free pass for that?

[01:27:45]>> You know, they're fiddling around in John Glenn's ass. [laughter] >> I can't believe that. is ridiculous.